"it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

my dog of 13 years is dying and is being put to sleep in a couple weeks. sometimes when i come home at night and hear her tail wag against the carpet where she's lying, i just lay next to her and hug her and cry until my eyes dry up. i can't imagine her being gone. she's been the most loyal companion. ugh it kills me just thinking about it.

i just found out one of my best friends and my planned roommate for this fall isn't coming back to ISU because her parents won't let her. it's a total shock and neither of us saw this coming. now i'm roommate-less and wont have my best friend in my same major to be with me every day like we planned and were so excited about. i'm so upset, i haven't even begun to let it sink in completely.

my best friend here in wdm might be moving out to Colorado in the fall and living there. anybody else dear and special to me want to leave me? i mean, geez. i know this is just the kind of stuff that happens in life when you grow up and get older and friends get separated. all it means is you figure out ways to remain close even when far apart. ive had a lot of practice pretty much for the past 6 years of my life with that... doesnt make it any easier really, but, at least i know what to expect. i'm just really sad right now about everything.

not to mention i'm moving into a small apartment with my mom in a couple weeks, so my parents are actually separated pretty much and ill do the whole divorced kid thing now. even though theyre not officially divorced, it's basically the same situation.

I just don't know why God is letting all of this happen to me right now. I'm just gonna pray about it and trust in His will... i know everything will be ok... i'm just feeling all the sadness from it all, and i'm not sure how to go on like this. i have hope though.

"Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."

Learning is not for the faint of heart.

I've been thinking, a lot. Here's the kind of stuff I've been throwin' around inside my brain.

do I feel like I'm behind because I dropped out of school for the semester? yes. am i still angry and bitter about my car accident happening the first week of classes? yes, i am still angry about the timing and bitter about how up in the air my injuries were following the wreck...because that's what caused me to have to withdrawal. If I could go back and change that, yes I would. I would have continued my education and already gotten a semester of classes in my new major under my belt. But now, I have to start this fall. That's ok though. I was refunded all of my money for the semester as of this week- and I can't tell you how amazing it felt to hold that piece of official paper from ISU in my hands, telling me all of the $2500 was my parent's money again. After so much crap I went through, I hated doing it, i absolutely HATED doing it...all the running around and getting these medical documents signed and seeing this doctor to get an official letter and having to explain over and over again what happened in the accident, and it finally paid off. All my hard work finally gets rewarded. Thank you God.

I may not have been studying for exams and writing essays and papers these past 4 months, but I have been learning about life. What is more important in the long run? Education, or Life? My answer is life, although education is very far up there. I have been taking tests of my own and writing important papers and seeing what grades I get for my work. I have failed several tests. I was surprised by some of these failing grades, I was hurt, I was upset. But in school, whenever I didn't do as well as I thought I would, I went through a short "grieving" process, then moved on and just tried to do better the next time. Thus is the way I must deal with life's failures. I've realized that just because things are not the way they OUGHT to be, in some perfect world with no sin and no pain and no shame, that it does *NOT* lessen my worth and value as a member of the human race and most importantly as a child of God. People like to think how things SHOULD be. How we OUGHT to act. That 2 + 2 ALWAYS equals 4 and if it doesn't, the world has ended. That not being where we think we're supposed to be, no matter what drives us to where we think we should be, somehow means we are inadequate, that we are the opposite of good, that we are in need of being rescued. Well, my journey through life has brought me to believe these are futile thoughts, aimless roads, and vain directions. There are no equations or formulas or scientific methods to get us to where we all desire to be and need to be.

Maybe this is easier for me to understand because of the way my mind works. My brain is heavily creative, artistic and abstract in its thought-process. I don't think in charts and graphs, or numbers and analytical geometry.

I've been failing a lot of tests lately, but unlike the Iowa State students who already had their final exams, MY final exam isn't set in stone yet. I still have time. I still have time to do extra credit and get more points and get my grade up to where I want it to be. Of course, I dont have all the time in the world... it's inevitably coming for me. But, I'm not going to freak out like I used to about these things. Maybe I am actually becoming an adult. That's my biggest test, if you haven't figured it out yet. And I'm trying to prepare for my final exam the best I can.

"I may have lost my way now- haven't forgotten my way home." -lifehouse

Awesome night= good music, good fellowship, good coffee, good movie, good friends, good food, good weather, and GOOD conversation centered on GOD.

the good music was all thanks to James & James, the good fellowship came from spending quality time with Laura and all the other Salt go-ers who came to support James Squared, and the good coffee was compliments of Cafe Diem. The good movie was IRON MAN and I recommend it to anybody who likes action, comedy, and heroes. The good friends came from getting to spend the night around Zach, Aubrey, Steve and Mike. The good food came from deciding to go to Angie's Kitchen, this cute little breakfast place, at 2 a.m. and eating all the delicious breakfast foods you could think of (sausages, hash browns, eggs, omeletts, toast, french toast, etc.), and the good weather because it was a clear, pleasant evening- not too cold, not too hot, summer almost blowing into the midwest. the good conversation was the best part of the night. Zach, Aubs and I talked for what started out to be a little 10-minute thing, then turned into an hour and a half thing. The three of us have always had something special when we sit down and put our guards down and talk about what's going on and what's beneath the surface. It has been a while since all three of us had been able to do so, especially with me moving all over the place and changing locations and not being in school. But God brought us together again, and it was incredible what came from it. It pushed me to think about my goals for the next few months to come, and what I need to be working on and how I need to go about doing it. I honestly couldn't have gotten to this point of clarity amidst all the chaos in my life without the Lord speaking through Aubrey in such an encouraging, non-judgmental, loving way, and using Zach to really understand me and help me see the big picture and tell me I *CAN* do it. There's strength behind his words, and redemption behind Aubrey's. And that's all I really needed.

"I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive."

These are things I love:
Paramore, my chiropractor Kory, seeing friendships last 4 years already and continuing, the musical Wicked, smelling summer in the air, learning patience, learning how to say "No, I'm not going to do it your way just because you tell me to and expect it," designing a line of clothes inspired by Hayley Williams, and last but not least... Scrubs. yup.

I was thinking before I fell asleep last night about who of my friends are going to be where for the summer. We're getting older. Moving away and moving on with our lives is a natural part of growing up. Most of the original posse is going to be in or around the Des Moines area. But several people whom I love very much are going to be far away. We've got Jamie at Eagle Lake in Colorado, Foster in Colorado as well, Austin in Missouri for Kanakuk, my darling Bekah is in Chicago as well as Steve, Kiki and Rhonda. Bryce is also in Missouri. Mel will be moved to her dad's in Florida. Brek will be in Wisconsin. Adam is still in North Carolina. Other friends are spread around Iowa, like Laura back in her hometown, Scott and Angie in Dubuque, Austin and Noel in Muscatine, Andrew B. and Alex S. in Clarinda. My sister, Adam H., Lindsey, Josh & Steve, and Mac are all in Ames. I think that's everybody who's not in the Des Moines area for the summer.

I am definitely thankful that Aubrey, Cort, Zach, Sam, Jared, James, Mitch, Matt, Brian, Kayla, Mike & Sarah, Tim, and JR will all still be around (I believe that's correct). Maybe more, it's hard to remember everybody. I really do have a lot of friends. A lot of good, good friends.

I am ecstatic for B Barker's Westwind church to start up in June! Seriously ecstatic. I see good things coming from this church plant.

Time to go lay around and be lazy on a raindy day. Peace and love!

The world is not enough for me.

"You can take the world..... just give me You."

that's what I'm trying to live by every day. Because the world swallowed me up this semester, and let me tell you it is not the way to go. God is the only one we can count on NOT to let us down, not to hurt us, not to abandon us, not to damage us.

I didnt realize it, but I was living every day based on the acceptance of other people- even my very best friends. I wanted to be accepted and taken care of and loved, and that was it. Anything else went.

but the TRUTH is... I can still want those things- those are just universal things that all humans desire and need to live... but my ULTIMATE decision is to live every moment based on obeying, praising, glorifying, and living for the One who gave me life and has kept me alive this long, the One who loves my very inmost being and knows me more than anyone ever could.. my SAVIOR, my FATHER. Jesus Christ.

my heart will go on and on

Cool. I'm just sitting here in my bed watching Titanic as my neck is numb and immobile at the time being because I am icing it. After seeing my Chiropractor today, I now must ice my neck every day and increase water intake to flush out toxins in the body. and I have the next 3 or 4 weeks already set up with weekly appointments with my chiropractor to get my back adjusted, to get muscle stem therapy, and have them monitor my neck and back trauma i received from my car accident back in January.

I'm also sitting here with this weird little mouth splint thing in my mouth, called an Aqualizer. My dentist gave it to me to wear for a couple hours at a time every day until my jaw pain stops. I have been having major, major jaw pain on my right side, horrible soreness all the time in the joint.. whenever i open my mouth to eat or yawn it just kills. So this splint they gave me is supposed to help with the soreness, because it makes it so my teeth are resting on these two little pillow-like bubbles, which decreases the pressure in my jaw and the pain. I hope that and taking advil three times a day like he told me to will do the job.

Oh, so. I've decided, that... I am probably never going to gain weight until I am pregnant. Seriously- me trying to gain weight is like trying to unite Democrats and REpublicans- it just won't happen. I have gotten smaller in like every area you can get smaller by losing weight, and I was already a toothpick to begin with. Blahhhh. Legs, stomach, arms, hips, blah. all of it.

i had a gift card for jordan creek town center that i got over Christmas, and I finally used it up today when I was back in West Des Moines! It was SO wonderful trying on billions of things and shopping and looking around and just being able to do something I havent been able to do for a very long time.... and still won't be able to do after this. I got 2 dresses from Forever 21 and a new hippie headwrap, a denim skirt, new sunglasses, and a really cute summer shirt from Delia's, and 2 new pairs of shoes from Payless. and i LOVE everything I got. And i really do look stunning wearing the stuff. yay. fashion! <3

im about to conk out. blah. night.

tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air...

I'm just gonna throw some questions out there.


...do our scars ever go away? i mean, really?

...how do we keep trusting when doing just that leaves a person hurt over and over again?

...how do you just STOP feeling a certain way? like trying to stop a powerful waterfall from rushing down a mountain the way it naturally always has... is it even possible?

...why do we judge other people when we KNOW as Christians it says in the Bible only GOD can judge us?

...why did God make guys and girls SO different from each other?

...how do you trust men after being cheated on, lied to, and torn down? honestly.....how.

...when do you know who your soulmate is, and what if you already think you know who it is? do you keep it to yourself? do you wait? do you tell them? do you let it pass you by? do you do nothing? how do you know it won't change someday?

Ok enough questions for now.

My neck is in bad shape again from car accident trauma. It's amazing how by not dealing with the emotional pain, it physically affects you so many weeks after you think you're done dealing with it. but really, by pushing it out of your mind and not processing it completely, you're just putting off the total recovery and total healing process. So I have weekly chiropractor appointments now back in West Des Moines when I go back for my other appointments every week. I can't wait to see my chiropractor tomorrow and start working on recovering fully!

blah.

call me a little angry, whatever.

"Hi, my name is ____ _______. I like to pretend I have your best interest in mind, but really I am just covering up how messed up my own life is and don't care one bit about yours. I also like to pretend I am one of the most righteous guys you'll ever come across, but really I am just a judgmental, narrow-minded LIAR who cheats on beautiful girls in order to assure myself that I am the shiz and they can't get enough of me, therefore I am in control and I get my way- which is really all I want. Do I feel bad about ruining their ability to trust men ever again? Most people probably would, but I am different, I am above all the rest, so no, I don't feel bad. I also really love to hear myself talk and, above all, be right. If someone interrupts me, I basically go ape-crazy on them and lose my temper and all gentleness I let you believe I have inside of me. Mostly, I just like to lead you to believe all these things I really am not, so when you figure out the truth, your life will pretty much be damaged forever and you're on your own to put it back together because I will somehow spin everything around to be ALL YOUR FAULT. I am one amazing guy, that's for sure. Have a great day. Love, ____ _______.