slow motion

I got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that told me I'd get hurt again.
So I hung up the phone
and I screamed out loud
I felt so alone, I should have said the things I'm thinking now

Ohh never thought it'd be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know

Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I cant forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.

I pretend I'm ok
But it aches inside
There's got to be a way that's better then just getting by

Ohh never thought it be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know

Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I can't forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.

My heart is speeding up and slowing down to know I know it's over, it's over
And can you die of heartbreak to die for love lost young I pray to find it again, oh again

Got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that hurts again.
~I Nine

merry Christmas

"So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The Only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..."
-taylor swift

"is this everything that you've hoped for, is this everything you've dreamed..."

I can't help but think that I (mostly) failed myself this semester. It's probably something I shouldn't be thinking, but it just seems like that's what happened and if I don't say it, I'm lying to myself a little bit. I know I probably don't know very much when it comes to that idea thrown out there we quote as "the real world", and what it's like to pay a mortgage and have credit card bills and manage a household, but I have gone through more stuff this fall semester of my sophomore year of college than I could have ever imagined. I feel a little betrayed for being thrown into a grown-up world I wasn't ready for, but I guess if I were ready for it in the first place, I probably wouldn't have had the same experience that I did. I can't really put my finger on it, but there's this older feeling inside of me. I just sense it. It feels different. It's not a good different nor a bad different, just different... like if I had a weighing device inside me, it would be tipped a little more to the "adult" side rather than the "kid" side now.

But I seem to be talking like I'm out of the haze, and I'm actually not. I'm still very much in the problems that have been surrounding me all semester. I can't write some of the things that have been apart of my battle, but it's a battle with myself that is like no other battle I've ever had to endure before. It's one where there is no way I can come out of it unchanged, or indifferent. I have bad days and good days. And it's the bad days that get me into trouble. I can't keep wondering when my next trouble day will be, I just have to live today and think about today and have a victory TODAY.

I've had a hard time bringing myself to write, and I'm not exactly sure why. It could be a bunch of things, or maybe just one. Not sure, but I'm trying to write again. I found it helps to pray and meditate on God and His love for me, then something inside of me prompts me to write. I can't really explain it.

On another note entirely, I seem to be falling, and I do not mean the bad way.

xoxo, Em

of the rise and fall, i could sing songs capturing it all

i'm sending you a love letter
i hope it gets to you safely
within it are words so lovely
you will be blinded by them
they will shine through the pain
they will burst through your shell
like stars they will burn
with brilliance and magnificence
my love for you is so great
it will be like nothing you've seen before
all the stars of the galaxy
could crash down into the sea
and the only thing remaining
would be the love that you will see
when you open up my letter
you won't need anything else
your eyes will only gaze at one thing
and that one thing is me
i understand you may not see it now
i know every weight holding you down
i've been carrying you this whole time
but only when you let me does it lift you up
i've seen every demon that has torn you apart
i've been keeping you together
and i know you haven't noticed yet
but that's why i'm sending you my letter
you won't know what to look for
when you search through your mail
but i know just how to get through to you
and you'll be surprised to find
that my love letter has always been there
it has been surrounding you forever
their hands are my hands
their hearts are my hearts
i know you may not understand just yet
and that's ok, my dear one
but this letter is so urgent
you must realize it's already been sent
you haven't been listening to me, child
your heart and mind have grown wild
but i'm sending you this love letter
over and over and over again
until you finally decide to open it
until you finally decide to read it
i'm giving you all my love, daughter
for you are mine and you are loved.

"...is it a bit much to ask for the snow to come down and cover my tracks?"

hey fun girl, where did you go
did you get swept away
even though you swore
the wind would never take you
hey beautiful girl, where did you go
your heart made you so pretty
not just your temporal smile
but neither one can be found
hey joyful girl, where did you go
why are you hiding your best aspect
did you get swallowed up by your pain
until there was nothing left
hey strong girl, where did you go
your strength has wained before
but never as absent as it is now
just open your eyes and you will see
hey fearless girl, where did you go
i thought i saw you the other day
but it was just my eyes playing a trick
i'm still looking for you

you're still there, i know you are
every part of you
waiting to be put back together
what are you waiting for, amazing girl?

"every line is about who i don't want to write about anymore."

will this ever end..................? i have so much going on... and i know i can get through it all and i have hope and faith- but oh, how weary i am. how weary my heart is. every day is a battle. every day i have to walk up a hill. and it just seems to be getting bigger each time. will this ever end?

I see your heart...... it's beautiful.

heyyyyyyyyyy.

So. I have had SO much fun this weekend, it's been amazing! Both Friday and Saturday nights were spent dancing the night away (seriously!) in the official "frat house" of Friley... the one and only Niles-Foster.

It's like a frat, except no creepers, and it's not lame. I love the whole group! I've met so many people and made really good friends through spending so much time with Nick and all the guys on his floor, and the other girls that call Niles-Foster their home pretty much. We kinda feel like one big family. When you put your arms around each other and make one big circle, yelling in chorus "I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys at 2 a.m.... you kinda find yourselves closer than you were before... haha. it's friggin' awesome!

I've been trying my hardest to not dwell on the things going on with my parents, or any other stress-causer in my life that I cannot control. I'm just focusing on myself. I'm focusing on getting through finals week and that's IT. that's all I can do. then it's time to get my wisdom teeth out and I'm not gonna worry about it until December 17th comes around.

I was inspired to paint yesterday, so I painted while Nick recorded in his room, and the creative juices were allowed to flow and it was FANTASTIC! I am so satisfied with the result... I seriously love this painting.


I did all sorts of new, fun techniques, which I love about the arts... really gets me pumped up! Then today, Nick recorded a part he wrote for me to sing in this new song he's recording... it's a pretty acoustic song, not really like his other stuff. I was surprised how shy I was to sing in front of him, and I don't know how many times I had to do it.. over and over and over and over and over again, but I got it pretty perfect and it sounds super good......I can't believe it's me singing! wooo! way fun.

I'm not getting stressed about it being dead week. I love dead week, actually. Even though I have very tough tests to prepare for... being anxious and stressed about tests is not the way to be successful, I've definitely learned that. Just relax and have fun- watch movies while it's cold and snowy outside, drink tea and hot cocoa, and just make sure to study a little every day and you'll be just fine- at least, just do the best you can do, and that's all you should worry about.



P.S. Anybody else TOTALLY EXCITED to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie coming out!?!?! it looks freaking HILARIOUS!!! :)