I love when things turn out so much better than you could have ever thought they would turn out. I love that people we meet at the beginning surprise us in the middle and end up nowhere near what you thought of them at the beginning.
My college fling during my freshman year was with a boy that seemed perfect for me at first, but it didn't end up working out. I was very heartbroken over this (but in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been AS hurt). For many months I was heartbroken... but I knew God had more in store for us, I just knew in my heart I had to just endure the heartache for the time being and wait for what's next. So, we continued being friends and grew closer over the months after we decided not to be boyfriend-girlfriend, even through the 3 months of summer break when he went back to his home in Chicago and I was in West Des Moines. And when we came back to ISU in the fall, it was like we picked up right where we left off and grew even closer. Over the past 6 months, we went through that whole thing where.. some rough things are going on for one of the friends, and the other friend is there for the struggling friend.. and by doing that the two friends have an even closer bond because of what they went through together.
The thing about this guy is that he is one of my friends that doesn't really choose to follow Christ. He believes in God and grew up going to church with his family and has good foundational beliefs, but anything beyond that is non-existent. He is also one of those guys that watches ESPN all day every day and knows every football and basketball player's names and stats and everything in the sports realm. Not exactly my cup of tea. I play sports vigorously and have always been a natural athlete, but that's all. He isn't loud and dominating. He sometimes is surprised when I go in for a hug. He doesn't get upset often, he doesn't show much emotion...ever, and we can go hours of sitting on the futon together watching a movie or tv and not say a word to each other.. but that's just how we are. that's just how HE is. talking about what's going on in our lives comes in small bursts, slowly. he's very even-tempered. knows how to fix just about anything. sharp as a nail. but laughs at the silly, stupid things i say and do and sarcastically jokes back and forth with me at every chance he can get. you might say we are polar opposites with a couple things in common. and somehow, he is one of my best friends i count extremely important and would do just about anything for.
And I never would have thought one year and 6 months later, we would be how we are.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Saturday, March 22, 2008
"With my wide eyes, I've seen worlds that don't belong... Tell me why we live like this."
So Jenny helped me figure out a really big part of who I am. First off, I fall perfectly into a category that is very common to youngest children who have or have had an alcoholic parent while growing up- always feeling like I have to help, always feeling like everyone else’s burdens are MY burdens. This is held ever so true for me, all my life. I never thought about how having an alcoholic parent when I was so young actually affected who I am to this day. It’s amazing how the way I am fits EXACTLY the characteristics that studies have found to be true over and over again with kids like me.
Then we talked about molds. Jenny told me that just by hearing me speak and talk to her, she can tell I’m an intelligent person (phew! good to know), she said that’s very evident. But she then said that whenever I’ve been talking about school things, it seemed very, very… forced. And she asked me why and what I thought about that. In my head at first I was like, pshh.. forced? whatever i'm a total school nerd... and then I realized that was totally false. I answered, “because I want to please other people.” She said, “it seems you try to fit into this certain mold that you really don’t fit into at all.” I’ve always thought that I had to be the A and B college student that breezes through school and excels in mostly everything and stays on track the whole time, stays clean and organized and always has an ambitious direction in mind. But you know what? That isn’t me at all. This whole time I’ve been disappointed in myself for failing a test or having a hard time in classes, and it’s because I was trying to be somebody I’m actually not. My whole life I have tried to fit into my sister’s mold, the way she’s always been with her place in our family- she, being the oldest, was thrust into the successful, achieving, independent, moving on with her own life type of mold. While I, as the youngest, am really not like that at all, but thought I had to be like that too… I thought I SHOULD be, and if I’m not like that I’m just a disappointment and have no worth.
That ties into the biggest thing I discovered. I have certain patterns in my life that have to do with disappointment. In my relationships with people especially, but also with all other aspects of my life. When I feel someone is disappointed in me, I take it in such a way that makes me get upset and overwhelmed, maybe angry, and ultimately I take ACTION and DO something as a result of feeling the weight of that disappointment. The same goes when I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I let people down and so I have to take the responsibility of punishing myself- that’s where my extreme behavior from the past 6 months came in and took over. I also have patterns of taking ownership of things I am not meant to own. When I know that somebody is upset or angry with me, or if something is wrong between us, I completely take it as my own failure, and it’s all my fault, it’s something I did and that’s all. I take full ownership of those problems ALL on my own shoulders. But the truth is, it’s not all my fault. Relationships are two-way streets and there is never an instance where I’m supposed to own everything that’s wrong and take it in and fix it myself.
This is the most interesting part.
Jenny asked me what do I value, and she was going to write down and just make a list of what I said. So, I told her these exact things- trust, honesty, love, faithfulness, joy, laughter, truth, kindness, loyalty, humility, hope, generosity. Then she asked me to think of instances in my life where I feel that heavy disappointment, things other than just in my relationships with people. So I used an example of getting a bad grade on a test or in a class, or even… having to drop out of college for this semester. (Months ago when problems first began, Jenny asked me what would be the worst thing that would happen. I said, "having to quit school." Look what happened.) I feel like I disappointed my parents, and myself. Like… I’m such a failure. And after listing off my values, she then asked me, “ok now where in your values does a bad grade or not being in school fit in?” And I thought for a moment…. Then it hit me, and I said, “it doesn’t.” So every time I hit a speed bump in life, particularly when I go through times of being physically sick and unwell, and I am lying in bed thinking, “I can’t get out of bed today,” or when I feel depression consuming who I am- I have to remind myself what my values are. Hope. Trust. Love. And then turn them into sentences-- I’m going to LOVE myself by getting up and making breakfast. I’m going to HOPE that if I just keep going things will get better. I’m going to TRUST myself that I AM capable of taking care of myself, I’m NOT helpless and powerless and going to let other people dictate my life for me... like I have for mostly all of my teenage and young adult years so far. Get it????
Another huge part of who I am. Because of these patterns I have, this makes me prefer the “beginnings” of things in my life, not necessarily the middles or ends. Because there’s no disappointment at the start of something new for me- I feed off of the challenge and the risk and the high energy and excitement that exist in the beginnings of things in my life. That is why all my life I jump from thing to thing, whether it be a job or where I live or what I do, or whatever. When I no longer have what I had in the beginning, especially when disappointment and those associated feelings enter in, I either quit and say no I’m done with this, or I go and withdrawal and isolate myself to kind of get me prepared to go back into it, but eventually…… I will change things… eventually it makes me ACT… and this makes me constantly want to be in another place in my life, so that I can have those “starts”, those “beginnings”, the freshness that comes along with it.
With my relationships though, those are very different. Because of what I value most about myself (trust, honesty, love, joy, laughter, loyalty, etc), this makes my interactions and relationships with people around me the most prominent part of what makes me who I am. Nowhere in what I listed as my values does it say “success” or “achievements” or “money” or “career” or “education” or anything like that. But in the ways that I love, share laughter, show loyalty to friends, am honest and trustworthy with people, that’s where I find value and worth in myself and my life. I think that’s why I will pretty much do anything to stay committed to people whether a boyfriend or a friendship or whatever…. And that holds true even if they don’t deserve my commitment. Does that make sense? I’m saying, sometimes I do it at the cost of… myself. Like if I’m in a bad relationship, I will hold onto it even when it’s destructive to my own life. I was explaining to Jenny how I just hate having tension between people, like it seriously makes me physically cringe knowing that someone might be angry or upset with me. And she let me say that and then quietly stopped me and said, “Emily. Sometimes people don’t deserve you to fix the relationship.” And I didn’t get it at first. I was like, no, I want to try my hardest to make sure things are good and sustained. And she was like, “ok. But, sometimes it’s best to just cut something off for good- because that person does not deserve you.” That was eye-opening for me. I will do anything to keep the peace and harmony in my relationships with people, anything to NOT disappoint, anything to help (characteristics of children with alcoholic parent). I will do anything to keep it together (so I do not get abandoned, my biggest fear, and so I do not lose value and worth in myself from not being loving, not being loyal, not being joyful, not being faithful in my relationships).
It’s crazy to me how this is all coming together in my mind, and my heart. I thought I had myself figured out so many times prior to this, and here I am still learning so much more than I ever imagined. There will be so many times in the future I will learn more about myself too, I’m finally letting that sink in. It’s great to know yourself the way you were made to be. It isn't pretty all the time and a lot of the times it's pretty messy, but hey at least i'm not boring. To keep increasing in knowledge of who you are, it brings great peace to one’s soul.
Then we talked about molds. Jenny told me that just by hearing me speak and talk to her, she can tell I’m an intelligent person (phew! good to know), she said that’s very evident. But she then said that whenever I’ve been talking about school things, it seemed very, very… forced. And she asked me why and what I thought about that. In my head at first I was like, pshh.. forced? whatever i'm a total school nerd... and then I realized that was totally false. I answered, “because I want to please other people.” She said, “it seems you try to fit into this certain mold that you really don’t fit into at all.” I’ve always thought that I had to be the A and B college student that breezes through school and excels in mostly everything and stays on track the whole time, stays clean and organized and always has an ambitious direction in mind. But you know what? That isn’t me at all. This whole time I’ve been disappointed in myself for failing a test or having a hard time in classes, and it’s because I was trying to be somebody I’m actually not. My whole life I have tried to fit into my sister’s mold, the way she’s always been with her place in our family- she, being the oldest, was thrust into the successful, achieving, independent, moving on with her own life type of mold. While I, as the youngest, am really not like that at all, but thought I had to be like that too… I thought I SHOULD be, and if I’m not like that I’m just a disappointment and have no worth.
That ties into the biggest thing I discovered. I have certain patterns in my life that have to do with disappointment. In my relationships with people especially, but also with all other aspects of my life. When I feel someone is disappointed in me, I take it in such a way that makes me get upset and overwhelmed, maybe angry, and ultimately I take ACTION and DO something as a result of feeling the weight of that disappointment. The same goes when I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I let people down and so I have to take the responsibility of punishing myself- that’s where my extreme behavior from the past 6 months came in and took over. I also have patterns of taking ownership of things I am not meant to own. When I know that somebody is upset or angry with me, or if something is wrong between us, I completely take it as my own failure, and it’s all my fault, it’s something I did and that’s all. I take full ownership of those problems ALL on my own shoulders. But the truth is, it’s not all my fault. Relationships are two-way streets and there is never an instance where I’m supposed to own everything that’s wrong and take it in and fix it myself.
This is the most interesting part.
Jenny asked me what do I value, and she was going to write down and just make a list of what I said. So, I told her these exact things- trust, honesty, love, faithfulness, joy, laughter, truth, kindness, loyalty, humility, hope, generosity. Then she asked me to think of instances in my life where I feel that heavy disappointment, things other than just in my relationships with people. So I used an example of getting a bad grade on a test or in a class, or even… having to drop out of college for this semester. (Months ago when problems first began, Jenny asked me what would be the worst thing that would happen. I said, "having to quit school." Look what happened.) I feel like I disappointed my parents, and myself. Like… I’m such a failure. And after listing off my values, she then asked me, “ok now where in your values does a bad grade or not being in school fit in?” And I thought for a moment…. Then it hit me, and I said, “it doesn’t.” So every time I hit a speed bump in life, particularly when I go through times of being physically sick and unwell, and I am lying in bed thinking, “I can’t get out of bed today,” or when I feel depression consuming who I am- I have to remind myself what my values are. Hope. Trust. Love. And then turn them into sentences-- I’m going to LOVE myself by getting up and making breakfast. I’m going to HOPE that if I just keep going things will get better. I’m going to TRUST myself that I AM capable of taking care of myself, I’m NOT helpless and powerless and going to let other people dictate my life for me... like I have for mostly all of my teenage and young adult years so far. Get it????
Another huge part of who I am. Because of these patterns I have, this makes me prefer the “beginnings” of things in my life, not necessarily the middles or ends. Because there’s no disappointment at the start of something new for me- I feed off of the challenge and the risk and the high energy and excitement that exist in the beginnings of things in my life. That is why all my life I jump from thing to thing, whether it be a job or where I live or what I do, or whatever. When I no longer have what I had in the beginning, especially when disappointment and those associated feelings enter in, I either quit and say no I’m done with this, or I go and withdrawal and isolate myself to kind of get me prepared to go back into it, but eventually…… I will change things… eventually it makes me ACT… and this makes me constantly want to be in another place in my life, so that I can have those “starts”, those “beginnings”, the freshness that comes along with it.
With my relationships though, those are very different. Because of what I value most about myself (trust, honesty, love, joy, laughter, loyalty, etc), this makes my interactions and relationships with people around me the most prominent part of what makes me who I am. Nowhere in what I listed as my values does it say “success” or “achievements” or “money” or “career” or “education” or anything like that. But in the ways that I love, share laughter, show loyalty to friends, am honest and trustworthy with people, that’s where I find value and worth in myself and my life. I think that’s why I will pretty much do anything to stay committed to people whether a boyfriend or a friendship or whatever…. And that holds true even if they don’t deserve my commitment. Does that make sense? I’m saying, sometimes I do it at the cost of… myself. Like if I’m in a bad relationship, I will hold onto it even when it’s destructive to my own life. I was explaining to Jenny how I just hate having tension between people, like it seriously makes me physically cringe knowing that someone might be angry or upset with me. And she let me say that and then quietly stopped me and said, “Emily. Sometimes people don’t deserve you to fix the relationship.” And I didn’t get it at first. I was like, no, I want to try my hardest to make sure things are good and sustained. And she was like, “ok. But, sometimes it’s best to just cut something off for good- because that person does not deserve you.” That was eye-opening for me. I will do anything to keep the peace and harmony in my relationships with people, anything to NOT disappoint, anything to help (characteristics of children with alcoholic parent). I will do anything to keep it together (so I do not get abandoned, my biggest fear, and so I do not lose value and worth in myself from not being loving, not being loyal, not being joyful, not being faithful in my relationships).
It’s crazy to me how this is all coming together in my mind, and my heart. I thought I had myself figured out so many times prior to this, and here I am still learning so much more than I ever imagined. There will be so many times in the future I will learn more about myself too, I’m finally letting that sink in. It’s great to know yourself the way you were made to be. It isn't pretty all the time and a lot of the times it's pretty messy, but hey at least i'm not boring. To keep increasing in knowledge of who you are, it brings great peace to one’s soul.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Restoration.
Thank you Jared White for showing this to me-
Psalm 71
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.
7 I have become like a portent to many,
but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.
9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, "God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him."
12 Be not far from me, O God;
come quickly, O my God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of your salvation all day long,
though I know not its measure.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your might to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?
20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.
22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.
Psalm 71
1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.
2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.
3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.
4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel men.
5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.
6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.
7 I have become like a portent to many,
but you are my strong refuge.
8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.
9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.
10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.
11 They say, "God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him."
12 Be not far from me, O God;
come quickly, O my God, to help me.
13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.
14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.
15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of your salvation all day long,
though I know not its measure.
16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.
17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.
18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your might to all who are to come.
19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?
20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.
21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.
22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.
23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.
24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Heart.
"Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse:
"A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes
She said if we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together
I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes."
"A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes
She said if we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together
I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over
I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes."
Sunday, March 16, 2008
The crash.
"What you took"
my emotions
every day that goes by
that i don't see you
because you need space
every day that goes by
that you never call
you do nothing at all
to just see how I am
my utmost strength
every time i'm around you
my hope and my trust
you've thrown them to the wind
every time you were rude
and i held my tongue
every time you were unkind
and i turned the other cheek
every night i've prayed for you
asking God to bless your life
that is what you've taken.
my emotions
every day that goes by
that i don't see you
because you need space
every day that goes by
that you never call
you do nothing at all
to just see how I am
my utmost strength
every time i'm around you
my hope and my trust
you've thrown them to the wind
every time you were rude
and i held my tongue
every time you were unkind
and i turned the other cheek
every night i've prayed for you
asking God to bless your life
that is what you've taken.
Friday, March 14, 2008
singin' about what's real to me.
What is home anyway?
Is it where you come from? That's not really a home. More like a lion pit as I remember it. It's sturdy and provides shelter of course, and it has beautiful surroundings, but as money is lost so is the building that we only possess as our home because of money. No money, no longer home.
Is it the dorms at college? Your floor bonds by having drinking parties and beer pong tournaments in the designated "party room". Someday you will get caught, someday it will be called alcoholism and it will destroy your family and your children. Or maybe your dorm really is your home, maybe the people there really do care. But you'll be moving out eventually. Probably in a year or two at most. Temporary.
Is it the place I'm staying now? A temporary basement apartment off campus with a family of 5? It's everything a home should be. It smells like one. It sounds like one. It's filled with love and craziness and the in-between. And yet, it's just temporary too.
What is home? Why do I feel homeless? When will I have a real home?
Tell me that.
Is it where you come from? That's not really a home. More like a lion pit as I remember it. It's sturdy and provides shelter of course, and it has beautiful surroundings, but as money is lost so is the building that we only possess as our home because of money. No money, no longer home.
Is it the dorms at college? Your floor bonds by having drinking parties and beer pong tournaments in the designated "party room". Someday you will get caught, someday it will be called alcoholism and it will destroy your family and your children. Or maybe your dorm really is your home, maybe the people there really do care. But you'll be moving out eventually. Probably in a year or two at most. Temporary.
Is it the place I'm staying now? A temporary basement apartment off campus with a family of 5? It's everything a home should be. It smells like one. It sounds like one. It's filled with love and craziness and the in-between. And yet, it's just temporary too.
What is home? Why do I feel homeless? When will I have a real home?
Tell me that.
twisting my stomach into knots
So I realized something today.
I am still holding a lot of resentment towards the fact that my car accident happened the first week of the Spring semester. Not just resentment, sometimes I feel furious about it still.
I still wake up some nights seeing that truck coming at me. I still remember the sound of metal hitting metal, and the way time seemed to slow from the moment of impact to the moment I slid to a stop. I remember not remembering some moments at all, because I have blocked them out of my memory.
I'm still so angry that it happened in the first place. That it costs so much money to fix a messed up car or to buy a replacement car. That it caused so much stress on my life that I couldn't handle on top of everything else. That it made me have to leave school for the semester. That it made me have to run around getting forms signed and officiated and no one really seemed to know what they were doing. That no one seemed to understand how much it affected my life, they just figured oh well Emily is just dramatic and makes things into big deals. That 2 months later, I have to go to every place that treated me for injuries after the accident from here in Ames to Des Moines, and get them to release documentation of what happened and what tests were done so that Iowa State University refunds my mom her money for this semester. Wow.
I'm still angry that I had to move out of the dorms, that there was nothing I could do but submit to my circumstances and leave. I'm still angry that it seems like everyone around me had it WAY easier than I have had it, but no one else seemed to recognize that.
I need to let this anger out, but I don't know how. I'm just still so angry that I was driving on that stretch of the interstate at THAT minute the roads were so slick and I just HAD to switch lanes and that truck just HAD to be behind me in the lane I was sliding in and my car just HAD to make a 360 degree turn so I was facing it.
So angry.
I am still holding a lot of resentment towards the fact that my car accident happened the first week of the Spring semester. Not just resentment, sometimes I feel furious about it still.
I still wake up some nights seeing that truck coming at me. I still remember the sound of metal hitting metal, and the way time seemed to slow from the moment of impact to the moment I slid to a stop. I remember not remembering some moments at all, because I have blocked them out of my memory.
I'm still so angry that it happened in the first place. That it costs so much money to fix a messed up car or to buy a replacement car. That it caused so much stress on my life that I couldn't handle on top of everything else. That it made me have to leave school for the semester. That it made me have to run around getting forms signed and officiated and no one really seemed to know what they were doing. That no one seemed to understand how much it affected my life, they just figured oh well Emily is just dramatic and makes things into big deals. That 2 months later, I have to go to every place that treated me for injuries after the accident from here in Ames to Des Moines, and get them to release documentation of what happened and what tests were done so that Iowa State University refunds my mom her money for this semester. Wow.
I'm still angry that I had to move out of the dorms, that there was nothing I could do but submit to my circumstances and leave. I'm still angry that it seems like everyone around me had it WAY easier than I have had it, but no one else seemed to recognize that.
I need to let this anger out, but I don't know how. I'm just still so angry that I was driving on that stretch of the interstate at THAT minute the roads were so slick and I just HAD to switch lanes and that truck just HAD to be behind me in the lane I was sliding in and my car just HAD to make a 360 degree turn so I was facing it.
So angry.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
"take these broken wings and learn to fly."
Sometimes I just want to SCREAM because I feel so trapped and held down. Captive. Sometimes I just need the open road. Sometimes I need sunshine to brush my face to remind me I'm still alive. Sometimes I just need the window down to smell fresh air and remember to keep breathing. It's not about being discontent, it's about wanting MORE because you know there's MORE out there and it's there for you- waiting for you to jump into it and splash around. It's about knowing you are destined for great things, greater things than what you may be stuck doing right now. It's a thirst for life and love and joy and there's nothing wrong with it.
I need out of this place!
I need out of this place!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
a beautiful disaster
I have this overbearing feeling that because of my past, the adults and close friends who know what went on, have a heightened sense of concern and worry when it comes to me. This increases feelings of incapability, helplessness, and powerlessness. While concern is something I am grateful for from people I know who love me and just want the best for me, there comes a time when I must move forward and everyone else must also move forward, because if you don't then your worry becomes my fear. stop giving me looks that say you don't believe i am capable, because i AM capable. stop expecting me to fail, and stop expecting me NOT to fail as if it's the worst thing that could happen. Stop being so faithless. It does no help for the ones who have fallen and need to learn how to get up on their own, and it does no help for yourself because you become a doubting Thomas. Lamesauce.
These past 6 months have been the most horrific months of my 19 years of life, hands down. I have had one thing thrown at me after another after another after another- no break, no time in-between to recover and brace for the next one, just one shot after another wearing me thinner and thinner. And actually, that is not just in a metaphorical sense, but a literal sense too. Ever since my wisdom teeth removal surgery at the beginning of December, I had several things happened in a row that caused me to lose a great amount of weight (for someone as little as I already was). I tried and tried to eat enough to stop losing the weight, but it just couldn't be done. And now, here I am, and what just happened over the past 5 days?? A child passed on a lovely flu bug to me and had me hanging over my bed with my head in a wastebasket from 9:30 a.m. until 9:30 p.m. on Sunday. Fever, chills, muscle aches everywhere, chest pain, sore throat, exhaustion and fatigue. Needless to say, eating was a bit difficult when I would even puke up WATER. More weight was lost. My doctor already saw me last week and said my BMI is too low and gave me a certain amount of weight i HAVE to gain within the next 3 months. All of this has added up to a lot of frustration and stress. I hate that everywhere I look there is an advertisement for weight LOSS, when all I want and desperately need to do is GAIN.
I am one of those weird, artsy, creative souls... you know, the free-spirited kind that just wants to be free like a bird and be able to fly wherever it chooses and change its mind whenever it feels like changing its mind and just going wherever, whenever, doing whatever. I understand the reality of life is that there ARE limits. But when I start to feel like all I'm getting are limits thrown in my face, holding me down and holding me back, making me... stuck, I get so restless and just want to get free from it all. I'm open. I'm open in the way I relate to people, I'm open in the way that my emotions can be read by others, I'm open to new countries, new languages, new people, new ideas, new experiences. I love FRESH stuff. My energy comes from just having openness as an option. This doesn't mean I don't ever curl up with an old back I've read 50 times just to read it again, and this doesn't mean I don't want to keep and sustain relationships with people for the long haul- for forever. Because I do for both of those. But... give me ADVENTURE, give me FREEDOM, give me something that's not going to hold me in chains to where I'm at. The way I feel like I am right now.
That's why things have to change. I love change. I also hate it. but this time, I love it. I welcome it. I embrace it with both arms. I'm OPEN to it.
I'm finally figuring out who I really am, and who I've been all along.
These past 6 months have been the most horrific months of my 19 years of life, hands down. I have had one thing thrown at me after another after another after another- no break, no time in-between to recover and brace for the next one, just one shot after another wearing me thinner and thinner. And actually, that is not just in a metaphorical sense, but a literal sense too. Ever since my wisdom teeth removal surgery at the beginning of December, I had several things happened in a row that caused me to lose a great amount of weight (for someone as little as I already was). I tried and tried to eat enough to stop losing the weight, but it just couldn't be done. And now, here I am, and what just happened over the past 5 days?? A child passed on a lovely flu bug to me and had me hanging over my bed with my head in a wastebasket from 9:30 a.m. until 9:30 p.m. on Sunday. Fever, chills, muscle aches everywhere, chest pain, sore throat, exhaustion and fatigue. Needless to say, eating was a bit difficult when I would even puke up WATER. More weight was lost. My doctor already saw me last week and said my BMI is too low and gave me a certain amount of weight i HAVE to gain within the next 3 months. All of this has added up to a lot of frustration and stress. I hate that everywhere I look there is an advertisement for weight LOSS, when all I want and desperately need to do is GAIN.
I am one of those weird, artsy, creative souls... you know, the free-spirited kind that just wants to be free like a bird and be able to fly wherever it chooses and change its mind whenever it feels like changing its mind and just going wherever, whenever, doing whatever. I understand the reality of life is that there ARE limits. But when I start to feel like all I'm getting are limits thrown in my face, holding me down and holding me back, making me... stuck, I get so restless and just want to get free from it all. I'm open. I'm open in the way I relate to people, I'm open in the way that my emotions can be read by others, I'm open to new countries, new languages, new people, new ideas, new experiences. I love FRESH stuff. My energy comes from just having openness as an option. This doesn't mean I don't ever curl up with an old back I've read 50 times just to read it again, and this doesn't mean I don't want to keep and sustain relationships with people for the long haul- for forever. Because I do for both of those. But... give me ADVENTURE, give me FREEDOM, give me something that's not going to hold me in chains to where I'm at. The way I feel like I am right now.
That's why things have to change. I love change. I also hate it. but this time, I love it. I welcome it. I embrace it with both arms. I'm OPEN to it.
I'm finally figuring out who I really am, and who I've been all along.
10 Things I Hate About You
you know the movie 10 Things I Hate About You? classic, right. The poem Kat reads at the end to Heath Ledger's character is amazing and I re-wrote it in... my words. enjoy:
I hate the way you control my emotions
and I hate that you don't stare.
I hate the way you look right through me
as if you don't even care.
I hate the dumb noises you make
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it hurts;
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it, I hate the way you always have to be right.
I hate it when you tell me only half the truth.
I hate how loud you make me laugh,
even worse how loud you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.
I hate the way you control my emotions
and I hate that you don't stare.
I hate the way you look right through me
as if you don't even care.
I hate the dumb noises you make
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it hurts;
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it, I hate the way you always have to be right.
I hate it when you tell me only half the truth.
I hate how loud you make me laugh,
even worse how loud you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
Captivating
Captivating is a book by John & Stasi Eldredge, same author of the best-seller Wild At Heart. I am learning so much about being a woman, it's amazing. Things I never even though of before, things I have always felt but never understood before, or things I have always known and need constant assurance and affirmation. These passages have spoken to me in ways I can't even explain:
"Every woman I've ever met feels it-- something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone."
"Now, being romanced isn't all that a woman wants, and John and I are certainly not saying that a woman ought to derive the meaning of her existence from whether or not she is being or has been romanced by a man... but don't you see that you want this? To be desired, to be pursued by one who loves you, to be someone's priority? Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after. At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, watned, and pursued. We want to be romanced."
"We also developed ways of trying to get something of the love our hearts cried out for. The ache is there. Our desperate need for love and affirmation, our thirst for some taste of romance and adventure and beauty is there. So we turned to boys or to food or to romance novels; we lost ourselves in our work or at church or in some sort of service. All this adds up to the women we are today. Much of what we call our "personalities" is actually the mosaic of our choices for self-protection plus our plan to get something of the love we were created for.
The problem is our plan has nothing to do with God.
The wounds we received and the messages they brought formed a sort of unholy alliance with our fallen nature as women. From Eve we received a deep mistrust in the heart of God toward us. CLearly, he's holding out on us. We'll just have to arrange for the life we want. We will control our world. But there is also an ache deep within, an ache for intimacy and for life. We'll have to find a way to fill it. A way that does not require us to trust anyone, especially God. A way that will not require vulnerability.
In some ways, this is every little girl's story, here in this world east of Eden.
But the wounds don't stop once we are grown up. Some of the most crippling and destructive wounds we receive come much later in our lives. THe wounds that we have received over our lifetimes have not come to us in a vacuum. There is, in fact, a theme to them, a pattern. The wounds you have received have come to you for a purpose from one who knows all you are meant to be and fears you."
-------------
pretty cool.
"Every woman I've ever met feels it-- something deeper than just the sense of failing at what she does. An underlying, gut feeling of failing at who she is. I am not enough, and, I am too much at the same time. Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not kind enough, not gracious enough, not disciplined enough. But too emotional, too needy, too sensitive, too strong, too opinionated, too messy. The result is Shame, the universal companion of women. It haunts us, nipping at our heels, feeding on our deepest fear that we will end up abandoned and alone."
"Now, being romanced isn't all that a woman wants, and John and I are certainly not saying that a woman ought to derive the meaning of her existence from whether or not she is being or has been romanced by a man... but don't you see that you want this? To be desired, to be pursued by one who loves you, to be someone's priority? Most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after. At some core place, maybe deep within, perhaps hidden or buried in her heart, every woman wants to be seen, watned, and pursued. We want to be romanced."
"We also developed ways of trying to get something of the love our hearts cried out for. The ache is there. Our desperate need for love and affirmation, our thirst for some taste of romance and adventure and beauty is there. So we turned to boys or to food or to romance novels; we lost ourselves in our work or at church or in some sort of service. All this adds up to the women we are today. Much of what we call our "personalities" is actually the mosaic of our choices for self-protection plus our plan to get something of the love we were created for.
The problem is our plan has nothing to do with God.
The wounds we received and the messages they brought formed a sort of unholy alliance with our fallen nature as women. From Eve we received a deep mistrust in the heart of God toward us. CLearly, he's holding out on us. We'll just have to arrange for the life we want. We will control our world. But there is also an ache deep within, an ache for intimacy and for life. We'll have to find a way to fill it. A way that does not require us to trust anyone, especially God. A way that will not require vulnerability.
In some ways, this is every little girl's story, here in this world east of Eden.
But the wounds don't stop once we are grown up. Some of the most crippling and destructive wounds we receive come much later in our lives. THe wounds that we have received over our lifetimes have not come to us in a vacuum. There is, in fact, a theme to them, a pattern. The wounds you have received have come to you for a purpose from one who knows all you are meant to be and fears you."
-------------
pretty cool.
Be encouraged, friends
True story-
So I was driving back here last night, and some amazing stuff went on during my drive. I started to feel sad and full of sorrow as I thought about how a relationship has hurt and wounded me so much over the past few months. I started saying out loud that I miss the way he used to look at me, I miss his arms around me, I miss everything about him. Then I noticed the music playing in my car, and it was the song “Everything” by Lifehouse. Every time I listen to it, it quiets my spirit and I get into a very worshipful state of heart and mind. I started to cry, soft at first, then harder and harder, until my tears started disrupting my ability to see the road… with the darkness all around me as I continued the drive home on the gravel road. Then all the sudden I felt like everything was lit up, like it was dark out but I could see better and I felt like there was this golden spotlight shining on me in my car shooting directly up to God in the heavens above. I was moved to start speaking to Him, and so out loud I just started talking- it was just me and God, my Father, my Daddy. I felt His presence in my car with me- He was there with me. Just me and Him. We were connected and it was so intimate and it felt like for that moment in time all He cared about was me and my heart. I heard Him say, “I’m so glad you came back to me tonight, child.” I asked Him to take away whatever was inside of me, keeping me from trusting Him fully. I asked Him to rid me of all my fear, all my anger, all my bitterness, all my pain I was holding onto inside my heart. All of my sin and shame was lifted off of me. I cried out to Him that I am so frail. I told him that I know of His great power. I know of His mighty strength. I have seen it and I believe in it, I believe in an Almighty God—and so I asked Him to be my strength that keeps me walking every minute of every day, that keeps me trusting and hoping and loving. I told him I believe everything Shelli told me yesterday- that He loves me so much, that I am born again every day, that I don’t have to clean myself up in order to come to Him. That I am his darling daughter, He adopted me into His family. I told Him that I know I don’t always do the right thing, I know I have been living in sin and listening to Satan’s lies, but I said…I reject Satan’s lies- I reject this burden of sin- of hating myself and trying to hide it. I reject it all, and I told God that I wanted Him to know I accept His love. I accept what He has been offering me this whole time. I accept it. I want it. I told Him I don’t want to try filling up the emptiness in my heart and soul with the love and affections of boys or of anyone else, because nothing satisfies it but Him- my Lord, my Master. I asked Him that I would be able to wake up every day knowing I am fulfilled, knowing He is my true Romancer, my ultimate Lover, my God who is constantly pursuing me and wanting me to love Him back, and that’s all I need- that’s all I want. And so I parked. And I let the song end. And I played it again. Then I got out, came into my room, and thought about what just happened. And tomorrow I know I will wake up fulfilled by the love of Christ, the love of my Father. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that…………. <3
So I was driving back here last night, and some amazing stuff went on during my drive. I started to feel sad and full of sorrow as I thought about how a relationship has hurt and wounded me so much over the past few months. I started saying out loud that I miss the way he used to look at me, I miss his arms around me, I miss everything about him. Then I noticed the music playing in my car, and it was the song “Everything” by Lifehouse. Every time I listen to it, it quiets my spirit and I get into a very worshipful state of heart and mind. I started to cry, soft at first, then harder and harder, until my tears started disrupting my ability to see the road… with the darkness all around me as I continued the drive home on the gravel road. Then all the sudden I felt like everything was lit up, like it was dark out but I could see better and I felt like there was this golden spotlight shining on me in my car shooting directly up to God in the heavens above. I was moved to start speaking to Him, and so out loud I just started talking- it was just me and God, my Father, my Daddy. I felt His presence in my car with me- He was there with me. Just me and Him. We were connected and it was so intimate and it felt like for that moment in time all He cared about was me and my heart. I heard Him say, “I’m so glad you came back to me tonight, child.” I asked Him to take away whatever was inside of me, keeping me from trusting Him fully. I asked Him to rid me of all my fear, all my anger, all my bitterness, all my pain I was holding onto inside my heart. All of my sin and shame was lifted off of me. I cried out to Him that I am so frail. I told him that I know of His great power. I know of His mighty strength. I have seen it and I believe in it, I believe in an Almighty God—and so I asked Him to be my strength that keeps me walking every minute of every day, that keeps me trusting and hoping and loving. I told him I believe everything Shelli told me yesterday- that He loves me so much, that I am born again every day, that I don’t have to clean myself up in order to come to Him. That I am his darling daughter, He adopted me into His family. I told Him that I know I don’t always do the right thing, I know I have been living in sin and listening to Satan’s lies, but I said…I reject Satan’s lies- I reject this burden of sin- of hating myself and trying to hide it. I reject it all, and I told God that I wanted Him to know I accept His love. I accept what He has been offering me this whole time. I accept it. I want it. I told Him I don’t want to try filling up the emptiness in my heart and soul with the love and affections of boys or of anyone else, because nothing satisfies it but Him- my Lord, my Master. I asked Him that I would be able to wake up every day knowing I am fulfilled, knowing He is my true Romancer, my ultimate Lover, my God who is constantly pursuing me and wanting me to love Him back, and that’s all I need- that’s all I want. And so I parked. And I let the song end. And I played it again. Then I got out, came into my room, and thought about what just happened. And tomorrow I know I will wake up fulfilled by the love of Christ, the love of my Father. And the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the day after that…………. <3
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