Day6//2WeeksAnd1Day

I love when things turn out so much better than you could have ever thought they would turn out. I love that people we meet at the beginning surprise us in the middle and end up nowhere near what you thought of them at the beginning.

My college fling during my freshman year was with a boy that seemed perfect for me at first, but it didn't end up working out. I was very heartbroken over this (but in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been AS hurt). For many months I was heartbroken... but I knew God had more in store for us, I just knew in my heart I had to just endure the heartache for the time being and wait for what's next. So, we continued being friends and grew closer over the months after we decided not to be boyfriend-girlfriend, even through the 3 months of summer break when he went back to his home in Chicago and I was in West Des Moines. And when we came back to ISU in the fall, it was like we picked up right where we left off and grew even closer. Over the past 6 months, we went through that whole thing where.. some rough things are going on for one of the friends, and the other friend is there for the struggling friend.. and by doing that the two friends have an even closer bond because of what they went through together.

The thing about this guy is that he is one of my friends that doesn't really choose to follow Christ. He believes in God and grew up going to church with his family and has good foundational beliefs, but anything beyond that is non-existent. He is also one of those guys that watches ESPN all day every day and knows every football and basketball player's names and stats and everything in the sports realm. Not exactly my cup of tea. I play sports vigorously and have always been a natural athlete, but that's all. He isn't loud and dominating. He sometimes is surprised when I go in for a hug. He doesn't get upset often, he doesn't show much emotion...ever, and we can go hours of sitting on the futon together watching a movie or tv and not say a word to each other.. but that's just how we are. that's just how HE is. talking about what's going on in our lives comes in small bursts, slowly. he's very even-tempered. knows how to fix just about anything. sharp as a nail. but laughs at the silly, stupid things i say and do and sarcastically jokes back and forth with me at every chance he can get. you might say we are polar opposites with a couple things in common. and somehow, he is one of my best friends i count extremely important and would do just about anything for.

And I never would have thought one year and 6 months later, we would be how we are.

"I put my faith in you, so much faith, and then you just threw it away!"

This is where I'm at.

I'm on a teeter-totter. Arriving at the pretty park, I let go of mom's hand. I saw it and I ran to it. Reminiscing back to my happy childhood, I climb on and my imagination soars. I'm flying up and down, dodging clouds and pretending I'm a bird. The child in me is full of glee. I am not full of any cares whatsoever. Something changes in the air around me. It's cold. It gets dark outside. The teeter-totter is big and scary. I know I can't get off yet. I'm too scared to move. I'm in shock from such rapid change. My mom is no where to be seen. All I know is that I am not enjoying being on the teeter-totter anymore.

College has turned into a big, scary teeter-totter sitting in a pretty park I couldn't wait to arrive at and enjoy to the fullest. The playground is a canvas of bright colors and covered with shiny toys that sparkle in the sunlight, but the teeter-totter is anything but pretty to me. The up-and-down motion doesn't make me feel like I'm soaring amongst white, puffy cloud shapes that taste like cotton candy. It makes me sick. It's jerking me around and having its way with me. I have no parent to run to. And it's funny, there have been MANY (count them, many) moments throughout my freshman year alone, that I have realized this. I'm getting older, I'm a sophomore now. But I still have moments where I realize it, and it makes me lose my breath if just for that moment. I point to my place in the family growing up once again, and I will do it probably for the rest of my life, not as an excuse but as an explanation for why I am the way I am... I am the baby. My friend Zach loves to mock me and yell, "OH WAHH! you baby." And you know what I have to say to that? You're right. You got me. Yep. I am the baby. I will always be the baby. I will always look to someone else to take care of me before I just do it myself, maybe it will get easier for me later on, but I'm finding that it doesn't matter how many years I add on, I still have the tendency to look up and hope someone else is there to help- a big sister of some sort, in metaphorical sense, and sometimes, in a literal sense.

I'm sure I can think of times in my life where I wasn't the youngest child, I wasn't acting that role. But for the most part, I am the young one with wide eyes and arms reaching out for someone to catch me before I fall. I trust that someone else will always be there for me. I rely on myself for things, but right now this is just how I feel, and I can't stop thinking about how on so many things, I don't or I can't rely on myself. And it's frustrating.

On another note,

I've begun another "wait, what do I want to do with the rest of my life again?" phase. It leads to other questions like, "wait, what am I doing here?" or "wait, why am I doing this, and why am I not over there doing THAT?" Among other things of that kind. You could call it internal mind freak-out mode. Does everyone have a billion interests and things they have passion for? Or is it just me? If you just blurted out a bunch of "things someone might want to do in their life"- for like every one of them, except maybe 2, I would say YES I WANT TO DO THAT, YES THAT INTERESTS ME, YES, YES, YES!!! Well, because of this, I have one question for you "all-knowing career guidance counselors"..... WHAT KIND OF MAJOR DO YOU MAJOR IN AT A RESPECTABLE, 4-YEAR COLLEGE IF YOU LOVE TO DO LIKE A BAJILLION DIFFERENT THINGS!? I would seriously love to know the answer to that.

I want to go to New Zealand, I want to travel everywhere.... Barcelona, Florence, Ireland, Venice, London, Greece, Austria, Rome, Berlin, Sydney.... you name it, I want to travel there. I want to study art and make art. I want to sing and dance for millions of people. I want to build a house. I want to paint and be a struggling artist with no money. I want to touch my foot in every ocean. I want to do missions work in Africa or South America or China, or ALL OF THE ABOVE. I want to write for a magazine. I want to be a lawyer, maybe. I want to be a fashion model and walk the runways of Paris. I want to learn how to play the guitar, and re-learn how to play the drums. I want to take a road-trip across the United States. I want to go to Boston. I want to teach English to 3rd world countries. I want to be a Spanish translator for missionaries. I want to study poetry and all the great poets of the world, I want to be published EVERYWHERE. I want to counsel other people with sicknesses and diseases that affect their every-day life and share my story and touch someone's life. I want to be an intern at a church youth group and work with high school or junior high students. I want to write movie reviews. I want to be in a movie. I want to be a mother and wife. I want to write books. I want to own my very own coffee shop and have local musicians play at it. I want to live at sea for a couple months.

Seriously, that's just the top of the iceberg.

I'm on a teeter-totter.

"...this makes me feel that I'll never be quite normal"

so I have an announcement. Here it is...

I have completed my moleskin journal. I received it at the Valley Church Senior Banquet ONE YEAR AGO this month as a present for graduating... and my first entry was on May 11, 2006. I completed the last page of it Monday night... May 28, 2007. Every single page of that thing is filled with my ideas, stories, vents, poetry, hopes, dreams, fears, memories, feelings, and other intangible things of substance that come from my heart. My 2006-2007 moleskin documents one of the craziest, or, rather, THE craziest year of my life thus far... and it does so in my own style, which includes insane rambling, stupid unnecessary details, life altering moments, and raw emotion.

I need to go buy a new moleskin now. I plan on writing in one every year for the rest of my life. They're the greatest journals known to earth.
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New subject.

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I was just thinking... of course I was JUST thinking- I always have flashes of thoughts storm my mind right as I want to calm down and shut the lights off and go to bed. ughhh. haha... yeah....

I actually feel weird tonight going to sleep in my own bed in my own room, and by myself. I didn't feel weird last night because Aubrey was sleeping with me. But for the 3 previous nights I went to bed in Brek's room while I was visiting in Wisconsin. It's strange how it only took 3 nights for me to become habituated in arriving at his home late at night, getting a glass of juice while he had a glass of milk and a snack in the kitchen, walking down the dark staircase, then going to his room, me getting ready for bed and crashing on his huge L-shaped couch, and him doing his nightly routine then crashing in his bed about 10 feet away from me. Every night we did the same thing, and it's actually hilarious when I think about it now. It's always interesting to see people's "nightly routines" or "morning routines"... as Aubrey and I were discussing this morning when we awoke and got ready for the day together in my room. I just feel weird for some reason, being back in my own bed. Maybe because I was so comfortable staying with Brek- haha, which is kind of.. um, odd? yes, a little bit. i dont know, maybe it's the whole college thing. I spent so many late, late, late nights with Brek, Mel and Steve just laying around in Steve's room that I was used to it I guess... or something. I kinda miss hearing Brek ask me if I have enough blankets, if I need another pillow, if I'm warm enough, or bidding me goodnight by saying "well..... see you in the morning Em." haha. dang it, I'm so glad I met them at ISU. So glad.

A light inside a dark tunnel.

sigh. ok. goodnight. <3

...we'll make the best of what's around!

This past weekend made me realize how much I don't really want this year at Iowa State to end. When I wasn't eating or at church with my sister, I was pretty much with Steve, Brek and Mel. We weren't ever actually "doing" anything interesting... just sitting in Steve's room, watching movie after movie on tv, listening to Dave and our other favorites. That's just it. It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing. What matters is that I was with them. Some of my favorite memories of my freshman year at ISU are of the four of us, just laying on the futon in Steve's room. Doing nothing. But I'm gonna remember it. They're special to me.

I honestly don't want this school year to end. I mean... I want the SCHOOL part to end, for sure.. but not everything else about being up here.

I'm really, really, really going to miss being only ONE floor away from Steve, Brek, Andrew, Bryce, and all the Livingston guys. I can't believe we only have 3 or 4 weeks left here, together. Gosh, that's just killing me right now. I can't believe I'm going to be separated from all of them for 3 months this summer. It's just hard to think about at the moment... I know I'll be reunited with them next fall- we're all living in Friley.. me on the side by arches, the guys on the opposite side. But still... I just don't want this to end. And I didn't think this would happen. I thought that since I had all my great friends from Des Moines up here at ISU with me, I wouldn't find another group of people so special and dear to my heart. But it happened, I don't know how, but it did. It all started when Steve randomly showed up at my door that one night in December- I never would have met all the guys on 3rd floor without him asking me to go to that track meet with him. That's so crazy!!!!

Man, I'm just drinking it all in. All the things that happened. All the people I let into my world without even knowing it, and all the people that I slowly let into my heart. I can't even think right now about being back home, and not being able to walk down one floor and just slip into Steve and Chris's room and end up staying for hours... watching Andrew and Steve play NBA Street....yelling Hot Sauce!!! and Big Fatty!!!.... and Bryce coaching Steve on how to finish The Lion King levels on his ancient sega genesis.. hahaha. I can't imagine not seeing them in the dining center every single night at approximately 6:15 pm.... or getting a call from Brek to come down and sit in-between him and Steve on the futon and help them take out all of their "to be" verbs in their english papers. After every "break" we had this semester, I would be so eager to go down to 3rd floor and see "my bros" haha, cause I couldn't help but miss them, even if it was just for a week like Spring Break. I never would have gone to a single party this year if it hadn't been for Brek, Mel and Steve. I never would have experienced that scene, which is a part of college that I can stay away from, but still be apart of (does that make sense hopefully?).

Memories are just flowing uncontrollably right now. I guess this is just another year that must come to an end.... which, is sad, yes. But, I am happy to have made so many memories with new friends, and to have had so many new experiences because of them. I can always hold onto the fact that... everything happens for a reason. And just leave it at that. <3

"...turns out not where but WHO you're with that really matters, that really matters..."
-dave matthews band