"I don't really miss it all that much..."

I've decided to begin every train of thought with the word "As." Because I can.


As I sit here alone, with no roommate to quietly whisper a goodnight to just across the room from where I lie, I sort of wish I wasn't such a people person. Like life would be so much easier if I was totally ok with being an introvert all the time..... because I find myself alone for a large portion of my life. Or, rather, those periods of time just stick out... because I do really love being around people that much. Either way, since my roommate had to move out because of her health issues with the mold in our room, I am still upset about getting all familiar with living with another person and making a new friend, then having it all ripped away from me in a matter of 2 days. The ironic part is that I know exactly what it feels like to be her and have to choose your health over what you wish you could do. That's really why we made such a strong bond so quickly.... and it's still there, but I can't wake up with it there or go to bed knowing it's there either.

As I think about the person I'm avoiding currently, I wonder if they're starting to wonder if I'm avoiding them. It's not that I'm immature and don't want to own up to something I did. I really have not had 30 minutes to myself the past 2 days. All of my time and energy goes to my schoolwork and classes, or work these days. To be honest, I don't think a lot of people who know me pretty well actually get how busy I actually am and how demanding my major actually is.......they're probably used to me being the girl that always had time for everyone else, but that was before I got my life in order and figured out I have to stop giving away all my time to other people and other things.... and finally give myself the time of day to do what I want and what I need. And what I want and need right now is to succeed in school and get my GPA up and focus on learning everything I need to learn to practice my passion for fashion one day... and be happy with what I do and who I am. That's the ultimate goal. And the only way I'll get there is by being a little selfish. Note: I use the term selfish in a way you probably won't really understand. It's a little complicated. And I'm not going to elaborate.

As I recall going to work last night, I was very much dreading it... as usual. Sunday nights are usually so bland at the C-store. I have to be in the back cooler, stocking all the milk and drinks and frozen snacks in the 40 degree temperature. Granted, I get to look like an eskimo (eskimos are cool) with multiple big puffy coats covering my little frame as I grab more crates of Powerade and Mountain Dew and stumble into the freezing cold death chamber (I just came up with that name for it!!). Anyway, the thing is it's the people I work with on said night that usually give me no reason to look forward to it. However, last night my team was all in such good moods that everyone had a lot of fun practically the entire time. I let my charming personality and silly humor get me in with the 2 cool black dudes I work with, and made the cheese dish for the deli look so pretty my supervisor said she'd write about it and put it in the comment box. BAM!!! But the icing on the cake is that my boss (who I was full and ready to walk up to and rant for 10 minutes about how smiling is good for the soul if the opportunity came), spoke more than 2 sentences to me (first surprise), AND (second surprise), said aforementioned sentences in a kind tone of voice. BAHH!! I sensed a hint of a smile on her face too...... incredible. So I didn't get to say my awesome speech about smiling and laughter and how being a nice person in general is a good thing.....and how if she wanted to work in the food industry she probably should have realized it's about dealing with people, both employees and customers, ALL THE DANG TIME, and brushed up on her people skills and maybe gotten some counseling on how to JUST BE A NICE PERSON.... but if I would have gotten to give my whole rant, I probably would have gotten fired. so. I guess my own boss kinda saved my butt in an ironic twist. :)

As I was typing up my resume down in the good ol' Friley computer lab just about 45 minutes ago, I couldn't help but get a little down on myself. The education section that I needed to list out made me ponder my life more than I would have liked to at the moment. My instructor gave us a little outline that basically wrote our resume for ourselves, but it was supposed to be a guide, and prompted us to list academic awards, honors, art show awards, scholarships, our GPA, and other such things. After getting out the major things like what my major is and my emphasis and that I am a Hixson Scholarship Recipient........I realized that is my only pride and joy that matters to the outside world and the academic world of Iowa State University. The fact that I have yet to graduate with anything official from this lovely university, and I am a member of a scholarship group (which is very honorable, but... that's all). As far as anyone is concerned, I am about as valuable of a potential employee as a homeless man off the street........ well, you know what I mean. My GPA is sub-par after all the crappy health problems and personal situations that have interfered with my past semesters. I have never made the Dean's List. I have not won any awards in my 2 and a half years of attending, I have not even been put in any leadership positions in any clubs, groups, or activities, and my main activity within this university is a Christian Youth Group. Wow. I sound just AMAZING to an designer who needs an intern to come help design and work in their store. Note: Sarcastic tone.

As I continued sitting in the Friley computer lab thinking about how pathetic and troublesome my college years have been, I began to feel my blood temperature rise a little bit... as I questioned, 'how about in the Experience section i include that i've passed probably 10 kidney stones known to date?' or perhaps, 'for one of my many Key Skills, what about putting down- 'should have died from car accident but has great skills in not dying even though all odds are against me''.....better yet, 'activities: telling myself that i love myself and i'm worth living, every day. because if i dont, i might not believe it.' eh? do those things matter on frickin Resumes?! no. no they dont. all the life experiences I have that matter in my heart and my soul.... don't matter at ALL to the world outside of my college shelter. they dont care that i've overcome pain after pain after pain and learned how to cope with immense stress and become a strong, stable woman. But they do care that my GPA is not a 3.0 or a 4.0. And they do care that I've never been on the Dean's List and I'm a junior in college at major university. Awesome. I am just set, aren't I? :(

Resumes suck.

There are some people I never want to be like.

So I recently had an experience with some people, in particular some people of the female species. And as most people know, I shy away from hanging out with girls unless they are my very good friends or are truly great people that do not belong in the general stereotype of the female population. We all know girls like this. They are almost everywhere. You just can't seem to get away from them. I do not think of myself to be better than these girls in any way, shape, or form. However, I have very strong beliefs when it comes to how I act and how I represent my gender when I act a certain way. This being said, I just want it to be clear that I am not saying I am better than anybody, but I am saying I do not think of myself as the stereotypical girl of Generation Y. And that is very important to me.

A lot of these girls actually think of themselves the same way I think of myself. Not like "them." But I assure you, they are sadly mistaken. It is a sad thing that we even have this stereotype about being a young female that has presented itself as something girls must fight against for much of their young lives. But the reality of things is that it exists. So deal with it. You can only pretend so long.

I have been thinking a lot about this over the weekend, because of what happened a couple nights ago when I was out and about. I remember retelling the story of events that night to my lovely roommate just the other day, and she was listening to my every word as if she were watching a suspenseful movie just about to reach its climax and change the world we know forever. Dripping with drama.

I arrive at my really good guy friend's place. I found him and we hugged and said salutations, the usual. Then he told me to go set up for a game we were going to play and he'd be there in a minute to join me. So I'm waiting. Then I look over and I see this random girl walk up to him and start doing what can only be described as a desperate attempt to get a guy's attention and somehow fulfill her slutty quota for the night. Ew. The only thing is, he's not stopping it. Cool. A girl that I only assume is a friend of said desperate girl comes over to me and asks me, "hey are you and that guy together?" I look at her. I make up my mind very quickly to not be THAT GIRL that thinks she possesses something that she really doesnt. I say, "no we are not together. I don't want her dancing with him though." I felt it was a good representation of my complicated thoughts at the moment. She walks away. My guy friend finally snaps out of it and walks over to join me at our game. We're getting things ready, when all the sudden said desperate dancing girl pushes me out of the way and stands inbetween me and my guy friend so that we can't stand next to each other. I kindly say, "excuse me, this is my friend, we're playing right now." She turns to me and shoves me further away and goes, "He's MY partner. GO AWAY." She literally shoved me. I want to explode, but I try to kindly tell her to move away so we can play our game and she can play next, and she grabs my guy friend and nuzzles close to him as she forcefully tells me that she is playing with him, not me. My guy friend says and does nothing.

This does not make me feel good. I hold back tears, and walk into my friend's room and shut the door so I can be alone because I feel like I'm about to cry. A second later, all the sudden the door is flung open and in walks in another girl. She stands very close to me and yells, "HEY, what's the problem?!" I tell her very calmly, "there's no problem, a girl was not being very nice to me and shoved me and it was very rude." The girl then explains to me that that's her best friend and somehow felt the need to assure me several times that she's "NOT A SLUT" and that I need to keep my mouth shut(uhh?). This is perplexing, stupid, and annoying to me. I tell her calmly, "That's fine. But your friend shoved me out of the way and it was just really uncalled for and unnecessary." Apparently that just set her off. Apparently she doesn't respond well to calm, chill, laid-back, nice girls. Because, next thing I know, this girl GRABS my chin and pulls me close to her face (what?!), yells some garbage at me about being a b*tch, then PULLS MY PONYTAIL HAIRBAND OUT OF MY HAIR and THROWS IT ON THE GROUND. I look at her and I'm like, "excuse me?! get away from me!" and I walk out of the room and back to where everyone else is. I pull my guy friend aside and try to explain to him what just happened, and I'm holding back tears again, and he is completely belligerent and just looks at me and goes, "Emily. You need to leave. Just leave." I grab my purse and I am out of that place faster than you can say "Unbelievable."

The worst part is when I am walking out of the door, I turn back as it opens again and the mean girl who pulled my hair out is standing at the door, waving at me, and says, "Bye!!!"

I wrote about this because this is something I have never experienced before. I have never felt what I felt on this night after having these random, slutty, disrespectful, gross, b*tchy girls attack me when I did absolutely nothing to provoke them, nothing wrong, and pretty much nothing at all but come over to MY friends of 2 and a half years and hang out.

So I stand strong on what I put as the title of this blog: There are some people I never want to be like. And those girls are those people. Unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE.

"I try to be delicate... then crash right into it."

If you were the most difficult person to love in this entire world with more problems than the worst i could ever imagine- i KNOW that i would do ANYTHING to help you and NEVER stop loving you. I don't know much about life, but I do know that I would keep loving you and never run out, never run dry inside.

People hit rock bottom in many different ways. From one perspective, someone else's idea of rock bottom may seem like actually being far from the bottom, from the pit. but for them, it's rock bottom. for you, rock bottom is something else. everybody hits rock bottom sometimes. you may not even know it, or it may be totally obvious.

If I thought about it... I guess the hardest person for me to love would be someone like Hitler or Charles Manson or some other famous person that brought devastation and murder and pain to humanity to some extent. But I can sit here and say in my heart and mean it-- I love them. I still love them. They were still human beings just like you and me- they had lives, they had problems, they had goals and aspirations, they were hurt, they might have been in love- whatever... they were humans. They experienced something that me being another human being can relate to in SOME way. And in no way do I condone what they did as being right and ok and tolerable, but I still love them. So how can I find it so hard to love the people that are my friends that I have great affection for and want to see happy and enjoying their lives, how can it be so hard? Exactly- it's not hard. No matter what problems I may have or had with you, it could be the worst problem EVER, but I still love you just the same. THE END- period.

What's your philosophy on love?

Did something happen in your life that changed it? Drastically, even? Were you one way a year ago and a completely different way right now? Were you let down? Were you hurt? Were you heartbroken? Did somebody gain your trust then throw it in your face and betray you? All of the above? At least one of the above? Whatever it may be for you, it's a shame to let the happenings of life tear down the meaning of love for you. No matter how many people break my heart, no matter how many people walk out on me that I poured myself into and gave everything to- I will NEVER stop loving, caring, feeling. I want to sometimes just because I get worn down from things just like everybody else- but at the end of the day... I can't imagine living without loving the way that I do, so unconditionally and exceptionally.

Am I the only person that thinks like this? That loves like this? Cause right now I feel like I am and it's the most depressing thing to ever realize. Especially when the one person you want to love you the most, can't. because they let something in the past alter their philosophy of love so much, they think it can't ever be the same (or more, BETTER) again. Shame. Damn shame. Breaks my heart.

it could have been worse

ok...

me = on a liquid diet. 3 Boost drinks every day, as meal replacements. Until my appetite suppression due to prescription meds is lessened and more under control. ahhhhhh. not gonna lie, the Boost drink is NASTY. but I can't keep losing weight and never having any energy nor feeling good/healthy. Plus, drinking the Boost will hopefully keep me from having to be hospitalized and put on I.V. fluids.

I am now to a grand total of having to take 11 pills a day, soon it'll be down to 8 though. Yay (seriously. 8 is so much better than 11).

I know God has everything under control. Even though it's tough on me to be on so much medicine... I trust that I'll be ok someday. better than I am now.

<3

the coffee shop owner told me I have a great smile. :-)

I can feel my heart speeding up and speeding down, over and over again. I feel reality hit me in the face and I get mad at it, I want to stomp all over it, I resist it, I hate it, I let it burn my eyes with all the tears spilling out, and then... I know everything is going to be ok someday. And I spend time not thinking about what my heart wants to think about. I spend time being around people who make me smile, and cuddle with me and make me feel warm and content even when things seem icy and chaotic. Sam, Aubrey, Caely, JR, James, Tim, Foster, and Rob come over to my house... and the entire time the boys whine about the tv show we were watching- "Say Yes to the Dress"- a show about women from all over the place coming to this one wedding gown store in New York to find their perfect wedding dress and what goes on between the buyers and the sellers...haha, the girls were loving it OBVIOUSLY, and the boys just thought it was ridiculous (and it was, in some ways, I admit). I got to see my best friend and have her walk over to me and command me to hug her and tell me how much she missed me. I just love these people with all that is in me, and it meant so much to me that they came over to my house to be with me when all I really felt like doing was exactly what I shouldn't be doing- hiding in my bed with the covers over my head.

New Years Eve. Everyone makes such a big deal about it, but I've learned that it's really not. I've never gotten a big new years kiss, I've never had some amazing revelation that comes directly from the clock turning midnight and changing to a new year, and I've never gotten wasted and partied til 6 in the morning or anything like that. Though my heart was someplace else entirely, I pushed myself to make the drive back to my home- Ames, to be with my darling sister. I arrived at her apartment and we sat and watched Project Runway until deciding to go grocery shopping, since Erin was pretty much out of everything. Grocery shopping might sound boring, but not with The Sexton Sisters... haha. We started our grocery shopping adventure and went up and down the aisles, me pushing a messed up cart that only wanted to go to the right, grabbing this and that and throwing it in the cart. After a very tall man helped us get something off a very high shelf, and getting a nice bottle of red wine to have with our dinner (grilled chicken italian panini!! awesome find on my part if I do say so myself!), we headed home grooving to old-school Lifehouse tunes (so good). Back at the apartment, we got our dinner ready and had a glass of wine with it :). Then we cuddled on the couch together watching Project Runway until it was party time! We both got dressed in our gorgeous outfits, took pics, and headed over to this lady's house that Erin and Jamie know. There were tons of people there and it was a warm, happy environment that I loved immediately. I got to see JAMIE!!!!!!!!!!! which was the best ever. So Erin, Jamie and I hung out and talked for like an hour and I got to try Erin's cup of Sangria and Jamie's Blue Moon beer, haha. Then the three of us drove back to their apartment to see Austin, Bry, and Foster and hang out at Meg's part there for a bit. After the boys left, the three of us went BACK to the other party for the official turn of the new year. Arriving back at the house, we all were in a circle yelling jovially in a heated game of Catchphrase.. hahah, so awesome. People were being hilarious and it didn't even matter one bit that I knew no one except for 4 of the people in the room of like 20 or 25 people. About 10 seconds before the new year, somebody turned on mtv just as the ball dropped and hit 2008, and everyone had a cup of champagne and yelled CHEERS! and Happy New Year! haha. i must say, champagne is one of my favorites for sure. After finishing the champagne, Erin and I left for the apartment and crashed. All in all- it was great. I had moments of brokenness, but always forced my head up high and let myself enjoy the night with Jamie and Erin.


THe next day, I headed over to Zach's dorm to spend some time with him. We talked for about an hour and a half in his room, and it was just what I needed. I love Zach sooo much :). Then we went and got Randy, ate at Arby's, and the two of them left to get Randy to the airport for his flight to New York. I went back to my sis's apartment and hung out with her and showered. I ended up driving back to WDM around 8:30 that night and joined all my friends at James' house for a fun evening of hilarious-ness... haha.

First we all just sat around and talked, then we decided to play the game Pit. hahaha, it was crazy. the 9 or 10 of us sitting in a circle yelling our heads off in this game. It was mass chaos. Then we decided to play the game Spoons, which turned into everyone getting violently mad at each other to get a spoon haha. So then we decided to play a more organized game, so we pulled out the game Cranium. After discovering that people couldn't sketch things to save their lives when we kept getting blue cards, we found out that organized board games are not possible for 10 people who are talking and yelling and laughing all at the same time... lol. so THEN the people who were still remaining- Aubrey, Zach, Kate, me, Stevie, James, Sam, Emily, and Ryan.... played Charades. oh geez. That was just ridiculous. haha. Besides Zach's decision to write "poop" on one of the sheets of paper to choose from, some of them were really good and really entertaining to guess. After playing for a few rounds, everyone left except for me, Zach, James, Kate, and Ryan. Kate watched while Zach, James, Ryan and I played the game of Risk. eventually Kate left and it was just the four of us........and the game lasted THREE. AND. A. HALF. HOURS. hahahaha. It was the most intense, hilarious game of Risk that will probably ever be played. There were heated words exchanged, smack-talk up the wazoo, egos busted down, and beloved countries were raped and ravaged. My best moment was having conquered ALL of Asia and holding on to it as long as I could, then my worst moment came when Ryan completely ravaged and took over the entire continent leaving me with barely any guys left.......then when it was my turn, I promptly took the entire continent back and completely ravaged him out of MY continent. haha. SEe? very intense. But Ryan and I were no match for James and Zach's huge masses of armies.... we were both obliterated off the face of the earth :(. It came down to a huge attack between James' Northwest Territory and Zach's Alaska. Sooo intense. The dice rolling took 8 minutes but felt like forever. In the end, James beat down Zach and won the game of Risk. Ugh...... he would. It was 3:30 in the morning by this time, haha, and it was definitely worth it.


So here I am at Java G's. My heart is sore, but I feel better after writing about my fun adventures. I'm going out to dinner with my mom in a couple hours at The Olive Garden (i've never been there before). later gators.
Love. <3

I see your heart...... it's beautiful.

heyyyyyyyyyy.

So. I have had SO much fun this weekend, it's been amazing! Both Friday and Saturday nights were spent dancing the night away (seriously!) in the official "frat house" of Friley... the one and only Niles-Foster.

It's like a frat, except no creepers, and it's not lame. I love the whole group! I've met so many people and made really good friends through spending so much time with Nick and all the guys on his floor, and the other girls that call Niles-Foster their home pretty much. We kinda feel like one big family. When you put your arms around each other and make one big circle, yelling in chorus "I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys at 2 a.m.... you kinda find yourselves closer than you were before... haha. it's friggin' awesome!

I've been trying my hardest to not dwell on the things going on with my parents, or any other stress-causer in my life that I cannot control. I'm just focusing on myself. I'm focusing on getting through finals week and that's IT. that's all I can do. then it's time to get my wisdom teeth out and I'm not gonna worry about it until December 17th comes around.

I was inspired to paint yesterday, so I painted while Nick recorded in his room, and the creative juices were allowed to flow and it was FANTASTIC! I am so satisfied with the result... I seriously love this painting.


I did all sorts of new, fun techniques, which I love about the arts... really gets me pumped up! Then today, Nick recorded a part he wrote for me to sing in this new song he's recording... it's a pretty acoustic song, not really like his other stuff. I was surprised how shy I was to sing in front of him, and I don't know how many times I had to do it.. over and over and over and over and over again, but I got it pretty perfect and it sounds super good......I can't believe it's me singing! wooo! way fun.

I'm not getting stressed about it being dead week. I love dead week, actually. Even though I have very tough tests to prepare for... being anxious and stressed about tests is not the way to be successful, I've definitely learned that. Just relax and have fun- watch movies while it's cold and snowy outside, drink tea and hot cocoa, and just make sure to study a little every day and you'll be just fine- at least, just do the best you can do, and that's all you should worry about.



P.S. Anybody else TOTALLY EXCITED to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie coming out!?!?! it looks freaking HILARIOUS!!! :)

"you still my heart, and you take my breath away..."

she watches him walk away
it's the end of the day
there's nothing left to say
she's caught up in the fray

she watches him turn the corner
the threads tangle up before her
and begin to unravel just as another
forms over, and over, and over

she watches him leave her side
and she's swept away by the tide
pulled under and left to die
she's drowning under a pale sky

she watches him go
she's screaming no
oh, it hurts her so
Father, help her grow.

--------------
and yes, my sister and I got piercings today. my cartilage is pierced. it looks great. it made me feel dangerous and good, and brave... very brave. like I can do anything. look at me, i'm miss brave, i'm miss i can do anything..... yeah. i guess it worked for a little bit. I don't feel very brave at the moment. but I'm going to try to be brave tomorrow. and the day after that. and the day after that...

goodnight.

Abba!

There's really no other way to describe this past weekend besides this one word: Full.

From the visiting friends, sitting outside Stomping Grounds drinking coffee, smoking and seeing how many drunk people walking around campustown we could get to yell back the Go Hawks chant, walking everywhere and anywhere and freezing our butts off... from the early morning tailgating, the intense rivalry football game, storming the field after a victory and going absolutely insane, running into my 2 favorite boys from Bethel, relaxing by sitting around and drinking tea with friends, having amazing conversations and hearing hilarious stories... all the way to an early morning drive back to Des Moines, laffy taffy for breakfast on the road, church with Nick's family, brunch following, time spent with my wonderful mom at home, my dog bounding from the neighbor's yard all the way up to where I stood on our deck he was so excited to see me, conquering the giant big-screen tv and fitting it in my car, driving back to Ames, resettling, dinner at Clyde's, watching Robin Williams Live comedy show on the big-screen, and rocking Super Mario 64 old school nintendo.

this weekend was definitely full-throttle, and completely awesome. On the other hand, I'm now looking forward to a weekend where I can just relax and not do much of anything.

not exactly a deep-thinking blog tonight, but I promise that'll happen again soon. the thoughts are a-swirling already.

here's one deep thought that I've been thinking about today: if I believe in the God of the Bible, do I live it out or do I just say that I believe in the God of the Bible? because if God is the God of the Bible, the creator of everything, why do I come across a problem and immediately act like the God of this universe isn't bigger than my problem and hasn't already conquered everything this world throws at me? well, I DO believe in God, the God who made me, who made everything, who watches over me like a concerned, loving Father to a child.... so the second a problem comes up, just remember God our Father, and what He did- ALL that He did, and you will realize.. how can you doubt someone who did ALL of that and is doing it all still? Just read the Bible, and look around at your life right now. It's all right there. All the answers you will ever need.

k love you bye!

"I put my faith in you, so much faith, and then you just threw it away!"

This is where I'm at.

I'm on a teeter-totter. Arriving at the pretty park, I let go of mom's hand. I saw it and I ran to it. Reminiscing back to my happy childhood, I climb on and my imagination soars. I'm flying up and down, dodging clouds and pretending I'm a bird. The child in me is full of glee. I am not full of any cares whatsoever. Something changes in the air around me. It's cold. It gets dark outside. The teeter-totter is big and scary. I know I can't get off yet. I'm too scared to move. I'm in shock from such rapid change. My mom is no where to be seen. All I know is that I am not enjoying being on the teeter-totter anymore.

College has turned into a big, scary teeter-totter sitting in a pretty park I couldn't wait to arrive at and enjoy to the fullest. The playground is a canvas of bright colors and covered with shiny toys that sparkle in the sunlight, but the teeter-totter is anything but pretty to me. The up-and-down motion doesn't make me feel like I'm soaring amongst white, puffy cloud shapes that taste like cotton candy. It makes me sick. It's jerking me around and having its way with me. I have no parent to run to. And it's funny, there have been MANY (count them, many) moments throughout my freshman year alone, that I have realized this. I'm getting older, I'm a sophomore now. But I still have moments where I realize it, and it makes me lose my breath if just for that moment. I point to my place in the family growing up once again, and I will do it probably for the rest of my life, not as an excuse but as an explanation for why I am the way I am... I am the baby. My friend Zach loves to mock me and yell, "OH WAHH! you baby." And you know what I have to say to that? You're right. You got me. Yep. I am the baby. I will always be the baby. I will always look to someone else to take care of me before I just do it myself, maybe it will get easier for me later on, but I'm finding that it doesn't matter how many years I add on, I still have the tendency to look up and hope someone else is there to help- a big sister of some sort, in metaphorical sense, and sometimes, in a literal sense.

I'm sure I can think of times in my life where I wasn't the youngest child, I wasn't acting that role. But for the most part, I am the young one with wide eyes and arms reaching out for someone to catch me before I fall. I trust that someone else will always be there for me. I rely on myself for things, but right now this is just how I feel, and I can't stop thinking about how on so many things, I don't or I can't rely on myself. And it's frustrating.

On another note,

I've begun another "wait, what do I want to do with the rest of my life again?" phase. It leads to other questions like, "wait, what am I doing here?" or "wait, why am I doing this, and why am I not over there doing THAT?" Among other things of that kind. You could call it internal mind freak-out mode. Does everyone have a billion interests and things they have passion for? Or is it just me? If you just blurted out a bunch of "things someone might want to do in their life"- for like every one of them, except maybe 2, I would say YES I WANT TO DO THAT, YES THAT INTERESTS ME, YES, YES, YES!!! Well, because of this, I have one question for you "all-knowing career guidance counselors"..... WHAT KIND OF MAJOR DO YOU MAJOR IN AT A RESPECTABLE, 4-YEAR COLLEGE IF YOU LOVE TO DO LIKE A BAJILLION DIFFERENT THINGS!? I would seriously love to know the answer to that.

I want to go to New Zealand, I want to travel everywhere.... Barcelona, Florence, Ireland, Venice, London, Greece, Austria, Rome, Berlin, Sydney.... you name it, I want to travel there. I want to study art and make art. I want to sing and dance for millions of people. I want to build a house. I want to paint and be a struggling artist with no money. I want to touch my foot in every ocean. I want to do missions work in Africa or South America or China, or ALL OF THE ABOVE. I want to write for a magazine. I want to be a lawyer, maybe. I want to be a fashion model and walk the runways of Paris. I want to learn how to play the guitar, and re-learn how to play the drums. I want to take a road-trip across the United States. I want to go to Boston. I want to teach English to 3rd world countries. I want to be a Spanish translator for missionaries. I want to study poetry and all the great poets of the world, I want to be published EVERYWHERE. I want to counsel other people with sicknesses and diseases that affect their every-day life and share my story and touch someone's life. I want to be an intern at a church youth group and work with high school or junior high students. I want to write movie reviews. I want to be in a movie. I want to be a mother and wife. I want to write books. I want to own my very own coffee shop and have local musicians play at it. I want to live at sea for a couple months.

Seriously, that's just the top of the iceberg.

I'm on a teeter-totter.

"cause I'm learning to breathe"

it's finally here. The day of getting everything ready because tomorrow I move back to ISU. ahhhhh, finally.

Yesterday was a really awesome day. Nick and I spent the entire day together pretty much, and in Ames. so that's like a double whammy.

We started out our adventure eating lunch at Subway in the jordan creek mall because he had to get a new cell phone plan, his step-mom Barb joined us and then we spent a lot of time in the verizon wireless store... a lot. hah. then we drove to Ames, and the drive there was like a breath of fresh air, it felt like I was going home. Traffic was kinda crazy at times, but we made it there in one piece. We parked in the Martin/Eaton lot, went up to his room and saw it, tried to set up his internet, had an awkward encounter with his roommate and his roommate's gf, and took the last couple of his things up to his room like the tv and his ladder. Then we walked around Friley and found our way over to my side, where I'll be living, and my CA was there so I got her to let me into my room to see it! It'll be a tight squeeze, but I get it all to myself... I'm pumped. The no air-conditioning is gonna be a killer though. But I got through it last year, I can do it again. Then we drove to Erin's apartment and hung out with her for a little bit. Nick and I decided we both want to move into our own apartments after seeing Erin's... seriously sign me up! We drove back to Friley, made another stop in Nick's room to get his guitar, and then we drove downtown to find Keeper's guitar shop so he could get his guitar fixed. Whenever we drove somewhere I pointed out where all the good stuff in Ames is... you know, Cafe Diem, Hy-vee, Target, Pancheros, Jimmy Johns, etc. After getting the guitar business all figured out, I drove Nick to Stomping Grounds :). I got a rootbeer, my favorite kind of rootbeer EVER is from Stomping Grounds and it felt so great to taste it again... and to be inside Stomping Grounds cause I just LOVE it there. Then we had to make another stop back in Friley because Nick forgot his wallet. I went down to the 2nd floor and saw my friends Steve and Brek's room, and I got really excited to see them in just a few days. I also ran into 2 people from the Helser gang- Renee and Mike! After Nick got his wallet, he took me out to dinner at Hickory Park (my first time EVER) for my birthday dinner :). It was AMAZING. I got this Hickory barbecue chicken, with a salad and fries, and then we split a chocolate chip sundae and had the servers sing happy birthday to me. haha. Dinner was fabulous. Good conversation. Good food. what else is there? Afterwards we drove back to Friley, and I finally ran into Nick Howard, who is Nick's CA and a good friend of mine from Salt Co.! We chatted for a little while. It was so nice to see him! Then Nick and I watched tv, X-Men 2 was on and I had never seen it so that was pretty exciting. He has no seating in his room because there's seriously no room for anything, so we laid on the floor it was really cute haha.

That was pretty much my day! Today I'm going to be busy getting all of my crap ready to take to Ames tomorrow... woooo!! lataz. <3

"you mean more to me than I could ever tell, so sorry that I'm taken aback, but I just can't help it!"

Here are some things from this past week:

Zach and I were working the night shift at Trop Sno, and we found ourselves with some time to kill. Hmm what could we do? Well...... we could take shots of straight flavor from the bottles? yes, let's do that. Zach took a shot of cinnamon, then we decided to pick a flavor for each other to do next. Of course I picked Cantaloupe for him, and he made me do Papaya. SICK!!!!! Then we picked for each other again, so I made him do Honeydew Melon, and he made me do Pink Grapefruit. Agh, blah, ew, uggh, yechhh. He said the Honeydew Melon was the worst, and for me it was definitely Pink Grapefruit... it burned our throats and actually made me feel kind of sick, the sourness was overwhelming and lasted long after I swallowed. But NOTHING compared to the ridiculous thing that James, Zach and myself decided to partake in next....... yes, we each took a shot of the Chocolate flavor. You may be thinking to yourself- chocolate? chocolate is good! yes, my friends, NORMAL chocolate is great. this chocolate though, mixed with shaved ice, tastes much like a nasty, old, tootsie roll combined with a turd for good measure. but the straight shot? it was like death moving down my throat. UGH!!!!! it was the nastiest thing ever, for sure. But it was funny.

Aubrey and I went 3 whole days without really talking about stuff and hanging out..... worst 3 days of my life probably, haha, no but seriously. It's ridiculous because it was only 3 days, but with it being summer you have to understand that we seriously are with each other every day.. and plus I had some very important life occurrences to inform her on, and waiting 3 days to do so was murder for us both!! So Aubs, her momma Karin, my momma and myself went out to lunch yesterday at Z'Mariks and finally reconnected :).

Immersion was good. It was centered on the isolation of groups of people and how we let our fear, pride, and apathy get in the way of reaching out and fulfilling our need to be unified as a community and to have friends, which is the way God made us to be. I'm finding more and more that I really love the style of worship music they do at Lutheran Church of Hope, it just fits me.

A certain somebody and I had a Harry Potter movie night last Tuesday, and it was one of the best nights of the summer for SURE! :) I couldn't be happier.

So... people from my church have been bringing my family meals, and seriously every time the person leaves after bringing something over I cry. I'm so grateful for people who reach out to my family, especially for my mom and my dad, and help us in these troubled times. The extent of my gratitude is inexpressible. I'm literally tearing up as I type this, just thinking about it.

My friends Mitch, Zach, and Josh came over Wednesday afternoon and spent an hour in the hot sun cleaning out our disgusting, dirty, nasty hottub that has needed to be cleaned for over 2 months I think... my dad couldn't do it because of his broken arm, then the hospital thing happened and it was just always there waiting to be done but it never got done, so my mom asked the boys to come over and do it. THey worked so hard and it smelled absolutely terrible, but they made it completely spotless and gorgeous. I cried a little in the car on the way to working at Trop after they did it, because my friends are so amazing and I take them for granted all the time. I love them so much.

I've almost completed reading a really sweet book, so I'll write about it probably in my next post. Lataaaa.
<3

it all seemed so real

Do you ever listen to the words of a song, and think to yourself that you wish someone had said those words to you? Like if everything went the way you wanted it to, that person would have said exactly the words that you now hear every day in that song? Sometimes songs come along like that, and it makes me think about all of that stuff. All of the distance references in the song, "Hey There Delilah" can only make me think of a certain somebody who lives 1200 miles away and used to have my heart, but never loved me enough to do anything to be with me. Time has passed, but I'll never be able to deny how much I wish he would have found it in him to speak such lovely words of assurance and commitment (emphasis on past tense). I'm fine with everything now, because everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't be where I am today if that whole thing hadn't gone down, so I am content knowing that I'm where I'm supposed to be. God really does take care of everything, in the end. I'd rather Him hold my heart for the time being.

Also, I just re-discovered some of my old, old, old CD's that were hidden away in a drawer in my room, and I popped one of them in and I'm seriously loving it. Partly because it brings me back a little to those careless days before high school and jobs and responsibility... but partly because I really do like the particular album or song(s). For instance, I am listening to Vanessa Carlton's first album- Be Not Nobody, and I feel like I'm back in 8th grade again. I am usually pretty outspoken about my dislike for female vocalists, but lately I've widened my range because I'm finding there are definitely some female singers who can REALLY sing. Anyway, Vanessa Carlton's voice is kind of weird and so I kind of like it. I am a sucker for pretty piano songs though, so that probably has a lot to do with it too.

I went through an awkward stage where I thought I was too old and too cool to admit anymore that I still liked boy bands like Backstreet Boys and Nsync, but now that I'm a sophomore in college I think it's pretty safe to say I'll always like the catchy little tunes from good ol' Backstreet and N*sync, or N*suck as I used to call them because you couldn't be a fan of both while they had their prime reign over pre-teen girls around the world.

That's all I've got for now. Goooooooooodnight.

"hey there delilah, i've got so much left to say, if every simple song i wrote to you would take your breath away, i'd write it all..."

ok, so, last night was the coolest night of my life. Wanna know why it was so cool? Because Scott had a Tea Party, and so we sat around and watched The Office while drinking all kinds of teas for about 3 hours. I believe I had four mugs of Vanilla Almond flavored tea, and I even got Aubrey (who is not a tea drinker at all) to get addicted to it and have like 3 cups. We also watched the most random show on earth, called Stella, and I about died from how much I laughed at it. There were a ton of people who showed up too, let's see if I can get everyone... Scott, Aubrey, Zach, Sam, Michelle, Josh, Steve S., Kayla, Mitch, Bryan, Linds, JR, Rob, Pete, Sarah, Mike, Kate, Nick, aaaaand of course myself. Goodness! So anyway, it was tons of fun, and I woke up today craving some vanilla almond!

Here is something that I love: finishing my shower, walking into my room to see Aubrey asleep on my bed and listening to my Lord of the Rings soundtrack. seriously how cute is that, I just loveeee her.

I am working on my pride, and today was a great opportunity for me to do so. Aubs and I got in a little fight, and both of us sat inside Tropical Sno saying nothing to each other and sitting there awkwardly fuming, poor Zach had to be there throughout the tension-filled 15 minutes or so, and then I put my pride aside and told her I was sorry for getting so angry, and then she told me she was sorry for coming off as a jerk and explained what she really meant by her comment, and then we hugged and it was over. So it's little things like that that are helping me cut down my pride, so hopefully I can get better and better.

Tonight we are going to light off a bunch of Stevie's fireworks and go crazy, woooo!!!

So this is my favorite song at the moment... just look at these lyrics:

Hey there Delilah,
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away,
But girl tonight you look so pretty,
Yes you do,
Time Square can’t shine as bright as you,
I swear it’s true.

Hey there Delilah,
Don’t you worry about the distance,
I’m right there if you get lonely,
Give this song another listen,
Close your eyes,
Listen to my voice it’s my disguise,
I’m by your side.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
What you do to me.

Hey there Delilah,
I know times are getting hard,
But just believe me girl some day,
I'll pay the bills with this guitar,
We'll have it good,
We'll have the life we knew we would,
My word is good.

Hey there Delilah,
I’ve got so much left to say,
If every simple song I wrote to you,
Would take your breath away,
I’d write it all,
Even more in love with me you’d fall,
We’d have it all.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me.

A thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars,
I’d walk to you if I had no other way,
Our friends would all make fun of us,
And we'll just laugh along because,
We know that none of them have felt this way,
Delilah I can promise you,
That by the time that we get through,
The world will never ever be the same,
And you’re to blame.

Hey there Delilah you be good,
And don’t you miss me,
Two more years and you’ll be done with school,
And I'll be making history,
Like I do,
You’ll know it's all because of you,
We can do whatever we want to,
Hey there Delilah here's to you,
This one’s for you.
--Plain White T's
<3

"I think that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again..."

"...So take it all the way!
Whoa, whoa
and our hearts are on the everglow
deep inside we both know it
everything's hanging on this moment
whoa, whoa
and our hearts are on the everglow
every action begs a reaction
we'll figure it out, and make it happen
whoa, whoa
and our hearts are on the everglow
so just let go and fall into it!"

Life's tugging at me again. You know how things just make you feel a little crazy sometimes, like you want so much more, but you're just not getting it. I'm a pretty open person, at least I'd like to say so without being labeled as one of those crazy, psycho open people who make everyone else feel uncomfortable they're just SO open about anything and everything. I'm not afraid to be vulnerable. I'm afraid of being taken advantage of when I'm in a vulnerable state, because it's happened more than once, but, being vulnerable itself doesn't scare me. I can admit to certain things that I guess some people have a really hard time admitting. Maybe because I grew up being a weird kid who wrote all the time and one of those freaks who kept notebooks and notebooks full of stuff they wrote throughout their life..? You can't be a writer if you're a liar. Writing is so intimate, people smell bs (censored) before they get to the second paragraph. So I've been disciplined through writing to just be honest. Being honest doesn't make things easier all the time, and it doesn't take away confusion... but the truth shall set you free. duh. everyone knows that.

If I could wish for anything right now, it'd be to fall in love. Not just, I want to be with you all the time, I think about you every second of every day love, but- I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side love. The love that drives you so crazy, you write love songs and poetry and it makes you feel like you don't care what happens as long as you're with the person you're in love with. Is it obtainable? Is it unrealistic? Sometimes I think it'll never happen, I'll be completely honest. Sometimes I can't imagine having a husband and kids someday because I can't see myself ever getting to that place in my life. But, ugh, other times? I just want to sit in my room all day and sing and dance and write about love. And not think about anything else. I just want to dream about the one who's going to come into my life and change me forever. The one who will sweep me off my feet and hold me in their arms until death do us part.
Sometimes I hear a song and it makes me feel like love- does that make ANY sense? to feel like love? I mean to feel like a cloud is surrounding your body and you're embodying love itself? and I stop breathing for a moment because my heart feels so incomplete when I realize how we were not meant to be alone and by ourselves. We were meant to be unified with another counterpart, to share our lives, to share our souls together as one. I close my eyes and all I see is a silhouette somewhere far off in the distance, far enough to be out of reach, but close enough to still be in view.

I blame this insanity on my recent viewing of one of my favorite movies ever- Wicker Park, and also listening to too much Mae. If I had someone do everything to find me and finally find me and come behind me and sit there just waiting for me to turn around and meet their gaze, and then cling to me and forget the hundreds of people walking around us and only see the person holding my face and kissing me and looking at me like I'm the most beautiful person their eyes have ever seen.... I would probably die of happiness, shock, and utter joy. No, I'd just know what love really is.

If you don't have a clue where I'm getting this lovey-dovey-mushy-gushy crap from, listen to "Breakdown", "The Everglow", and "Ready and Waiting to Fall" by Mae... and then watch the movie Wicker Park and pay close attention to the last scene. I'm serious!

"...But that September sky
how it whispered "I love you"
but I couldn't take it any longer
no I couldn't stand..."

"what oh what is wrong baby, what oh what is wrong baby?"

This is the time during Summer that actually makes me think to myself- I don't want it to end. I've hit the jackpot. It took me a while to reach this point of contentedness. I'm working two jobs and loving them both. I spend every day with the people who make me happiest. I had an epiphany to get my relationship with God back on track, after months of weariness, bitterness, and distrust. I have consistency in my life, yet I have variety. I have things to look forward to with excitement and things to look back on with fondness. I'm in the middle of something good right now, and I don't want it to stop.

Last Saturday night, Aubrey and I closed up Tropical Sno and got to embrace Zach and James for the first time in 8 days (longer for Aubs). We sat in the Laugerman's house and heard the summary of their trip in Cancun. I almost cried because Zach came into the room and gave me and Aubrey gifts he bought us there. Just knowing somebody thought of you, it's a phenomenal feeling.

Sunday, The Awesome Threesome worked at Trop Sno and closed, then watched Zach's Cancun dvd with everyone at James' house. Then we laid outside in the driveway on Zach's newly purchased Mexican blanket- hahah, which smells like a Mexican garage, I'm serious, it's very distinct.

Monday, I worked with Zach at Trop until close, then 11 of us went and saw the movie Oceans Thirteen. It was a really, really, really good movie! Freaking loved it. It made me think of Steve (the Illinois Steve, not Laugerman) and Brek so much, because of all the gambling.... haha.

Tuesday was a full day! Well first off, I got to sleep in a lot so that was excellente. I worked at Trop with James until 4, then I went to the Raccoon River "beach" (the quotes are a must), where Zach, Kayla, Mitch, and Mike joined me. Zach and I just laid out and talked, but the other three swam a little. Then JR called about disc golfing, so he met us there and we all drove to this park over by South 14th St. in Des Moines- Ewing Park. JR, Mitch, Zach, Kayla, Mike, Sarah and I disc golfed (ok... I just caddied) there, and it was seriously the most beautiful park I've ever seen with a disc golf course in Iowa. It was amazing! JR did back flips for us, Zach ran around and threw sticks and looked like friggin' Mogley... Mitch kept getting beat down by discs, and Kayla showed Sarah her entire right boob pretty much. Eventful, wouldn't you say? Yeah AND fun, for sure :). Oh and I almost forgot to mention me and JR's special moment, where we stood and watched the pretty sunset over the trees together... yep... it was magical.

After that super long disc golf adventure, I was about to pass out from not eating enough all day. I needed calories and I needed them quick! So Zach, JR and I stopped at a BBop's and enjoyed some greasy, delicious, fattening burgers. It was awesome. Definitely necessary. Then we all met back at Raccoon River and hung out in the parking lot not really doing anything for a long time. We did throw a disc around for a while, when it was just me, Mitch, Kayla and Zach left.

Mitch and Kayla headed home, and Zach needed to take his fish Murdoch back to his house FINALLY.. so he came to my house with me to pick him up. It was only like 10:30, and it was Zach's first night of not having a stupid curfew... haha, so we ended up sitting at the end of my driveway for almost 3 hours, just talking. We talked about everything you can imagine. I think we covered everything going on in our lives, everything that could possibly be going through our heads, and everything that is anything. So.... it was a lot! I felt so much better about life in general afterwards. It made me think about a lot of stuff, and I got a lot off my chest, which I probably needed to do. It's beyond me why Zach and I had so many problems being around each other like throughout the past school year, but I think we actually are a lot alike and so it's good for me to talk to him about life. But of course in some ways we are different and that makes me see things in different perspectives. I seriously couldn't love the fact that we had a 3-hour talk at the end of my driveway any more. He was wrapped up in a cocoon in his Mexican blanket, I sipped my hot tea and covered up in my blanket, and then all the sudden it was 2 in the morning and I wanted to go to bed.

I told Zach something that I possibly have never really discussed with anyone else, at least not that I can remember.... and it was about my number one struggle and downfall in life, being my pride. My huge, fat pride. My pride is like an avalanche. My pride hits and it tumbles and one by one it ravages every aspect of my life and covers everything in a thick blanket of snow so that I am unable to see anything, and then it suffocates me. It is a huge chain reaction, because once I puff up with pride, I want to be in control and depend on myself. I want to fix things. Even with good intentions, pure intentions, I just want to make things better- but at the root of it all, it's because I can't stand feeling helpless, powerless.

So we decided I just have to make myself a garden brick that reads "God is in control today AND tomorrow." It's a daily struggle for me. It has to be a garden brick because a garden brick that read "the problem with problems is they are rarely seen as opportunities" changed Zach's life. haha. Ummm so, I just love Zach to death, and I love our talks for sure.

Anyway, today I worked with Zach until close at Trop. We had about 50 mood swings between the two of us inside that little shack. We had a lot of fun though too, haha. Throughout the evening, Caely, Bry, Linds, Luke and JR all showed up and hung out. Luke even helped take orders when it got super busy around 9 until close. After we closed, Zach, Luke and I threw Zach's frisbee around in the parking lot and listened to Luke's sweet rap music. Then we went to James' house to drop off the Trop stuff, and ended up throwing the frisbee in his culdesac for a really long time. Aubrey met up with us there and the four of us threw the frisbee, and then James realized we were outside his house (we didn't know where he was but apparently he was inside the whole time on facebook! geez!), haha, so he joined us outside. Aubs, Zach, James and I started watching Nacho Libre later, but Aubrey and I got kicked out by James' dad because of the 12:30 rule. uh ohhhh. So we better finish that movie sometime soon, cause it was hilarious!

So now you know why I'm content. I can only hope it lasts longer this time than before.
Love!
<3

"and it's so obvious to everyone watching us, that we have got something real good going on!"

I didn't sleep well last night. I haven't figured out why yet. I laid in bed unable to fall asleep from 12:30 until 4:30....yeah....4 hours I just laid there. I was exhausted, because I worked til close at my Express job, and yet I could not shut my darn brain off for the life of me. I hate that. It really is becoming a more frequent problem for me, and I don't like to have to take sleeping pills for it. Ugh.

My mom came down this morning before she left for church and gently told me she had breakfast waiting for me upstairs- eggs, bacon, strawberries, and hot tea. my favorite breakfast ever pretty much. And she told me she loved me. It was the best thing to wake up to. She's been hard to get along with lately because of things with my dad, but when she is like how she was this morning, I just adore her. I love her anyway, because she's my mom and everything, but I love it when she does things like that.

Working was pretty fun today. I opened for the first time all by my lonesome self and it was really lonely until 1 pm when Tim Getting came in. I had always known who he is because of his girlfriend Lauren who I went to church with growing up, but I had never really talked to him before. He's a great guy! Really funny and has that dry humor that I really find amusing in people. He's also an amazing ice-shaver and super bad at pouring flavors in the sno-cones, so that worked out well because ice-shaving is not my favorite thing. We made a good team! We switched off putting our music in the cd player and talked about tons of stuff like music, shows, UNI and ISU, football, writing, and things like that. He's an easy kid to talk to, which made work go a lot faster and made it super enjoyable too. Kayla called me right around 5:30 and asked if I wanted to go to the college ministry "Intermission" with her at Westchester E-free, so when I got off at 6 I met her there. There weren't a ton of people I knew that I thought would be there, so it was kind of disappointing, and it was just weird for me because I haven't been a regular church-attender lately. It makes me feel guilty and like I'm some kind of bad person or something. That's just how I feel. The message was amazing though, given by Dave Edwards. It was seriously an awesome talk, he had great energy and gave the message in a way that didn't make me mad or skeptical, which is how I've been lately with a lot of "God stuff"-- I'm just kind of going through a time where my faith isn't exactly as strong as it once was.... so I'm questioning a lot and I still believe everything, I'm just not at the top of my game, if that makes any sense. It's a hard time for me right now concerning God and hope and faith.

Anyway, I was glad I went. Bry, Kayla and I then met up with Foster, JR, Rob, Austin, and Logan. We rode around in Rob's pick-up truck, haha, and we actually sat in the truck bed the whole time... it was freaking awesome driving down Hickman to Dairy Queen with the wind blowing our hair back and JR and Foster yelling at every car we passed like crazy lunatics. hahahaha. We had so much fun. After Dairy Queen, we went to the park by Bry's house and hung out there. Kayla and I swung and got to talk about some stuffffff.... thennn Rob took us all back to our cars at Bry's house and we pretty much all went home because of early-morning jobs and what not. I mentioned it to Kayla, haha, that it's weird how we stayed out way later during the school year when we all had class and stuff the next day, but now that it's summer you'd think we'd stay out even later- but we've actually been going home and sleeping earlier, because we all have jobs and other stuff that we have to wake up early for. I dont know, it's just kind of weird to think about.

Anyway....... I open again tomorrow, soo I'm gonna go to bed. HOPEFULLY I can actually fall asleep. that'd be wonderful! oh and guess what? AUBREY comes home tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! :) and I work with Kayla, woooo!! sounds like a good day to me. And I'm gonna be away from home all day again. :)

<3

you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can fly, you can FLY!!

Tonight, the college kids plus Sam, Bry, and Rob, watched a classic Disney movie at Foster's house. Peter Pan!!!!!!! Sam, Kayla and I got a kick out of naming everyone in our group of friends as they would resemble the characters of the movie.. in personality or looks or both. It was stinkin hilarious! I think we got just about everyone figured out...?? Here it goes.

The Lost Boys
the bear (the resemblance is remarkable): Bryan
the two twin raccoons: Natalie and Caely
the rabbit (can't see his eyes very well, hehe): Kate
the fox (loud and obnoxious laugh): me
the skunk (so stylish in black and white): sorry Lindsey you're the last one to get named and this is the only one left hahaha

Peter Pan (based on who is most childish...): Mitch
Wendy (the mother, duhh): Sam
Tinkerbelle (the jealous b*tch...haha, but of course so very loyal and sweet to Peter too!): Kayla

The Little Bros
John (intelligent, inquisitive bro): James
Michael (silly, little boy): Rob

one of the Indians: Mike
Indian Chief w/ the really deep voice: Tim
Princess Tiger Lily (hot damsel in distress): Aubrey

The Pirates
Captain Hook (Fos should have been born into the life of a pirate): Foster (or it also could be Tim, because of his mustache...but that can be disputed)
Smee (loves to drink like a pirate): JR

The Crocodile (Zach's caveman grunts are basically equivalent to the crocodile's hunger grunts as he rubs his belly like a stupid idiot whenever Hook is near, haha): Zach


ok, so yeah.. good times. Next Disney movie we MUST watch: The Rescuers Down Under!!!

Goodnight <3

can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

soo... I was impulsive yesterday. Just like I was two years ago, when I called my friend Jamie and said, "hey! I want to dye my hair brown! I'm going to the salon right now. wanna come?" Instead this time, I went back to my roots. It's not natural [obviously], but it's dangerously close to my natural hair color of platinum blonde. It makes me happy to see myself in the mirror and feel more like myself (that sounds weird), because I grew up 16 years of my life having white blonde hair. I don't regret dyeing it dark brown at all. I loved dyeing it summer of '05! I loved changing colors so drastically and impulsively, and not telling anyone about it before doing it. I get such a rush doing things like that. I can't help myself. But, for the past couple months, I had been thinking about how much I missed my original locks of gold. I missed bein' the blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl. So, Sunday (Mother's Day), I decided at noon I wanted to change it back, and I was in the salon at 1 pm picking out the colors with my stylist Brittany- who basically became my best friend throughout the whole process.... I didn't leave the salon until 4:30, it took super long because I have so much freaking hair. Seriously you don't know how much hair you really have until someone puts every little strand in pieces of foil and brushes on the highlighting color... on EVERY little strand. ahhh! I was so restless sitting in that chair. But it was fun. I was so freaking excited the whole time. Like I said, I just get a rush doing stuff like that.

I don't really care what people think, even my friends and parents and stuff. I never care what people say about how I look, and I never really have. I just have always said to myself, it's my body, it's my face, it's my hair, it's my look, it's me- so I'm the only opinion that matters when it comes to how *I* look. When my dad saw my blonde hair yesterday, he said it looked great and then said, "you know to be truthful, I never liked it brown!" and I just thought it was funny. Self-image means your image of yourSELF, how YOU feel about yourself, not what other people say and what other people make you feel about yourself. My self-image is all about how I feel about myself, and that includes how I look everyday when I walk out the door. I love myself because God created me in His image, and to NOT love myself is really to slap God in the face if you think about it. I love how I look. I love how I look with brown hair, I love how I look with blonde hair, I love how I look with a bunch of eyeliner on, and when I have nothing on my face when I go to bed at night and wake up in the morning. It's about loving yourself even though you have imperfections. I also think that you cannot learn how to truly love others unless you love yourself, because everything you do is affected by what you think of yourself. If you understand your value and your worth because of who made you- an amazing God who calls you to be like Him- then you can appreciate and understand others' value and worth, therefore inviting love to grow. So yeah. That's why I love how I look no matter what! As a girl, it's common to feel "unpretty" at times and stuff, but those are just fleeting feelings, they don't really matter. I feel "unpretty" when I'm lying in bed in pain from my kidney disease, and when I've been in the hospital for 3 days looking like death and stuff, and after I sweat a lot playing soccer or something... but I know I'm beautiful underneath the sweat and the tiredness and the weariness. Hope this isn't coming off conceited, that's not my intended tone at all- more just trying to help others see that you shouldn't base your opinion of yourself on the opinions of others.

Hair is fun to change. I think I'll be sticking with my blonde roots for now though! :)

On another note,
Today rocked. First of all, I went on a bike ride. A 45-minute bike ride, where I biked from my house in Glen Oaks to the beginning of the Bike Trail by E.P. True Pkwy and Prairie View Dr., then biked for a good 3 or 4 miles towards Grand Av. and Hyvee, then turned around and road back the entire thing and back to my house. So all in all, I think I biked about 8 miles or so. It felt fantastic, but I was freaking exhausted at the end... especially because the entire way back on the Bike Trail I was going against the 30 mph wind gusts the whoooole time and it was mostly uphill once I got off the Bike Trail. I also had the gears on the highest resistance so I was working my legs harder, which I loved, but... my legs hurt like a mother right now. hah.

Then I got home, showered, and Aubrey called me and it turned out she didn't have to babysit! So she came over and we watched Gilmore Girls, had dinner with my mom, and then we went to Natalie's AP Art Show at Valley H.S.... ugh, her stuff was so stinkin' good, she's so talented. It was kinda weird being back at my old high school and seeing a bunch of people I knew, but, at least I didn't get recognized by my old AP Art teacher hahahah, crazy Mrs. Harris. Aubs and I left after about an hour, and we went to the Starbucks on University Av., got coffee, and sat outside at the little tables they had out there. We ended up sitting out there for a good 2 hours! and it was so great, Jared met up with us there and the three of us just sat there and talked the whole time. Aww, I always have good conversations with Jared. He's a good guy. Hah. So he left at like 9, so Aubs and I started driving back to my house.... but at the Mills Civic intersection right by Glen Oaks, we decided to just drive around for a while. We had put in her CD of Disney songs she got from Zach, and we seriously drove around for like a half an hour just bursting out all of the Disney songs... alllll the good ones! the classics... from Mulan, Lion King, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, yesssss... haha we felt SO lame. I still feel lame for doing it. But it was totally awesome at the same time.. hahaha. I freakin' love her. Oh, and we found this sweet park out by jordan creek town center that we never knew was there, and decided it is gonna be our new hang-out spot! wooo, yeah.

Well I'm waking up earlyyyy tomorrow to meet Lindsey at Java Joe's to see her perform her poem for her creative writing class! I'm pumped, because just a year ago I was doing that same thing! yay. Oh and guess what?.....

I am officially employed at EXPRESS at jordan creek mall. They gave me the call tonight. I'm ecstatic. I get paid well to talk to people and look hot and fashionable, I get to try on all the clothes in the store whenever and help crazy mall folk get their style on. I know it's retail, and I've always thought that it would suck to do retail (i've done a little previously), but when this opportunity came up I had to take it and it just seemed like I would fit in. The people make the job in my opinion, and the people there were incredibly warm and fun to me and I could immediately see myself having a really fun time working with them all. I have orientation this Thursday, then I start Sunday. BAM! I'm not a freakin' bum anymore! and I like it.

so praise God for that one. Amen? Amen.
that's all. <3