He is my light, my strength, my song

Over the past week, I have gone through an immense amount of TRAUMA.

1. Severe bodily injury, as from a gunshot wound or a motor vehicle accident.
2. Psychological or emotional injury caused by a deeply disturbing experience.
3. A serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident.
4. An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person, often leading to neurosis (neurosis: any of various mental or emotional disorders involving symptoms such as insecurity, anxiety, depression, and irrational fears).

If I were to drive past the exact sight of where my car accident took place RIGHT this instant, I would have a panic attack and hyperventilate. My body is in a state of shock, in which it completely shuts itself down to protect itself after undergoing the intense collision from the semi-truck hitting my car. This causes my limbs to go numb and leaves me temporarily paralyzed and hard to catch my breath.

The first few days after the crash were the worst, where I could hardly sleep I was having such frequent nightmares of the semi-truck coming at me and hitting me. I haven't been able to write about the crash until recently, because I couldn't get the motivation inside- the memory was still too fresh. Now I can write about it. Now I can think about it and not break down into jelly.

My initial thoughts, besides sheer unbelief that I was alive and walking, were consumed with confusion and muddied with things I probably shouldn't have been thinking, but did anyway. Not like I was wishing I would have died, not at all, but just... this huge disbelief that I made it out alive, that God still had more for me to do on earth and I'm here for a reason. It was a wake-up call to my faith for sure.

My current thoughts are now surrounded and influenced by the post-affects of the accident... the trauma and what the shock did to my body. I have physical therapy for a month now, to help rebuild the ability to use my muscles properly and for them to heal appropriately. Also, to prevent them from healing the way that they currently are now-tight, basically on lock-down, and hard to move.

I have an amazing support group to do just that-- support me. Especially in these hard times of my life. In one of my many conversations about the crash and how I was doing, my sister encouraged me to focus on a specific command in the Bible- to be joyful even amidst great pain and suffering. That has been turning the wheel in my mind constantly since we had that talk, and I've been trying my hardest to follow the Word of God. Every muscle in my body is crying out "stop! it hurts! don't move!" but my heart is telling me to keep going, that no matter how much it hurts I can overcome, and to keep moving because someday I will be healed again- all in the power of Jesus Christ.

The past week, I've been in and out of doctor's offices, getting examined and X-rayed for hours and hours, getting expensive CT-scans and MRIs of my neck, brain and spinal cord, I've been strapped down to a solid plastic board for over 2 hours, I've been temporarily paralyzed for almost 3 hours at one time, I've been wheelchaired around hospitals because I couldn't walk, I've been undressed and naked in front of nurses because my arms couldn't move, I've been carried down 5 flights of stairs by Mark and Nick, I've been carried out to Melanie's car by Brek, I've had friends slap my face to wake me up when I stopped breathing, I've been more afraid for my own life than the last 18 years I've lived put together. But NO MATTER WHAT happens, NO MATTER WHAT I have to get through, i WILL NOT stop fighting, and i WILL NOT stop hoping and trusting in JESUS CHRIST-- my sole source of strength, my identity, my purpose, my EVERYTHING. Long enough I listened to, dwelled on, believed in, and acted on lies from the Devil- LONG ENOUGH. Freedom came through listening to, dwelling on, believing in, and acting on TRUTH. This song shows exactly what I'm talking about:

"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."
-In Christ Alone

LOVE<3

friendship at its best

I get great joy from observing friendship at its best with all kinds of people. I love the variety of friends I am blessed to know. I love seeing people exemplify the kind of love that comes from friendship that makes me think of how Jesus treated people. I love knowing that I have treated my friends the way that Jesus teaches us to treat people. But lately, with all the circumstances that have come up in my life, I've been the one on the receiving end of such wonderful treatment by friends. I get such warmth in my heart when I think about the actions of the people that I have come to know as great friends, but have not known as long as other friends. They are "newer" friends, but they are just as important and special to me. I just have more memories and even MORE closeness with my older friends.

It makes me feel good inside, thinking about Mel dropping everything she was doing and walking in the snow storm all the way to Campus Ave to get her car and take me to the hospital when I couldn't move nor walk yesterday.....wheeling me around in a wheelchair all over the hospital and helping me get dressed after my MRI (i was still temporarily paralyzed).......Her text that awoke me this morning saying that she was thinking about me and she loves me and hopes I feel better.....Steve and Brek, being at my side when i became numb again and making sure i didnt pass out..... Brek carrying me out to Mel's car, Steve on his crutches holding my purse.....the two of them checking up on me later and letting me sleep in their room to make sure nothing happened to me in the middle of the night and that I wasn't alone during this scary time in my life..... Steve texting me a few hours after I woke up asking me how I was doing and if I was ok....

All these little things that friends do (those are just a few examples fresh on my mind, so many others have come to my aid and done tons for me) and so often they go unnoticed by our human eyes- but they are of heavenly worth... I see Christ in them, even if they don't know themselves that's who they are exemplifying. I love my friends so much and could not get through this stuff without them.

the status of my health, still pending.

I was in a bad car accident on Wednesday, January 16th. This is what happened:

I merged onto the interstate, hitting a speed of about 55 mph, as traffic was moving slower due to the snowy weather. I was positioned in the middle lane, and began moving over into the far left lane. As I began shifting over into the lane, I felt my tires lose all traction and felt my adrenaline pump harder as I realized I was sliding and couldn't control it nor stop it. My first thought was that I didn't want to smash into the cement guardrail separating the two sides of the interstate at 55 mph. My car was shaking and sliding every which way, and then the back end of my jeep swung me around, spinning my car in a 360 degree turn so that I was sliding backwards, facing incoming traffic head on at an almost straight angle. Next, I saw the semi-truck coming at me and the only thing going through my mind was, "No...no..." and then it smashed into me, trying to swerve, and I don't remember what my car did after the hit- but it slid to a stop just a foot shy of the cement guardrail. As I saw the truck coming at me, I thought I was going to die for sure. I don't remember much besides that. I don't remember what my body did when the semi-truck collided with my jeep- all I remember is sitting there in the car on the shoulder by the guardrail in complete shock, stunned to be alive and breathing. I sat there in silence for a minute, then the inevitable happened- and I burst into tears and wailed and screamed.

Waiting for the cops to come was the worst. And not being able to get ahold of anyone to come to me was almost just as bad. I finally got in contact with my sister and Nick, and then my mom. I remember sitting there, shivering from the frigid cold air sinking into my skin while watching the snow fall around me. I remember when my mom finally pulled up, and I got out of my car and ran into her arms and cried. Everything after that seemed to move in slow motion, like I was in an unshakable daze. My neck felt stiff and tight, but other than that I was seemingly fine. 2 and a half hours later, I was back in Ames. The entire night I just felt like somebody had stunned me. I went to sleep, but woke up only a few hours later in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and visions of the semi-truck coming at me and the crunching sound of my car when it hit. I tried to go back to sleep, but kept waking up time and time again from the same visions and I became hysterical from them. I also kept waking up with muscle pains all over my body. It was horrible. I prayed for Jesus to take away those visions. I fell asleep eventually but woke up not much later, having missed my first class already and decided I needed to rest and give myself a day to re-cooperate. I called the health center here on campus and explained I was in a bad car accident and wanted to get checked out. I was limping on my left knee and my neck and back were aching painfully, with headaches coming and going. I spent the next 3 hours getting examined by my doctor there and getting x-rays taken. No fractures were discovered after looking at the x-rays, but i was given a muscle relaxant to take at night and a soft neck brace to help support my neck and help with the pain.

I am now having other troubles with my body, as a result of the crash last Wednesday. It's scary and perplexing. All my limbs will suddenly go numb and I'm completely unable to move my arms and legs, hands and feet. I get these prickly tingles that radiate out to my fingers and down my legs to my toes until i can't feel them at all. Sunday night was the first time it occurred, and my sister and Nick took me to the ER after Nick and our friend Mark carried me down 5 flights of stairs and out to my sister's car. It was really frightening to not be able to move, and have to be in a wheelchair because I couldn't use my legs. I had to be "immobilized" which to the ER it means strap me down on this big, long board thing and have all these straps holding me snugly to it- I felt like a mummy all wrapped up, and it was extremely uncomfortable after I had been strapped to that flat, hard surface for 2 hours or so... my head felt like it was being smashed and my back hurt after they finally let me out of it. They had to make sure there wasn't something wrong with my spinal cord, and they took a CT-scan, which apparently didn't show anything was wrong. At first the neurologist wanted to admit me to the hospital and stay for a few days, but shortly after he examined me I began to get feeling back in my arms and legs. After that I was free to go since I wasn't "in danger" as he put it.

Well, today things got worse. After spending the night with my sister at her apartment, I arrived back to my dorm feeling tired, weak and overall fatigued, but otherwise I felt fine and normal. I was just doing little things in my room, I was on my laptop, got dressed for the day and everything, and made lunch plans to meet my friend Steve at the udcc at 1 pm. About 12:30 pm, I was lying down on my futon just resting before going to lunch, and all the sudden the numbness started doing the same thing it did last night, and i was completely paralyzed again. I tried with all my might to move my hand, or just a finger, ANYTHING, to reach for my phone, but I couldn't. Somehow I used my head and my mouth and pried open my cell phone with my tongue and pushed the most recent call button to get help. About 30 minutes later, I got feeling back in all my limbs and I could walk again. Weird, right? So I went to lunch and came back to my room afterwards to work on homework. Well, at about 2:30 I got a call from the hospital saying I needed to go there as soon as possible to get an MRI of my neck ordered by the neurologist. So I go down to Steve and Brek's room to borrow Steve's car since I didn't have any other way of transportation. I'm feeling kind of numb and dizzy and faint, and Steve didn't want me to drive myself if I wasn't feeling alright and he couldn't do it because he's on crutches from his leg surgery he had.... so I got ahold of our friend Mel to drive me and she just says she'll take me in her car, but she had to walk to Campus Ave to get it so it'd take about 20 mins. I sat down with Steve and Brek while I waited for Mel to pull up outside Friley. I was just SITTING there on the futon next to Steve... and all the sudden I lost all feeling again in my limbs and couldn't move for the life of me. I was just gonna wait it out, and I was able to wiggle my toes and feet after a little bit, but then my face got tingly and started to go numb as well and I felt my head roll down and I blacked out for a minute. I could hear Steve and Brek whistling and saying my name and I could lightly feel Steve touching my face trying to wake me up, but I couldn't open my eyes, and then I gasped for air and realized I hadn't been breathing and opened my eyes, but could hardly hold my head up I felt so weak and numb all over. Steve (on his crutches, mind you) got up and held all the doors so Brek could carry me out to Mel's car. Mel drove me to the hospital, I had to be wheeled in a wheelchair everywhere because I couldn't walk or move at all still, and they did the MRI of my neck. It had been like an hour, and I could walk on my legs at that point but they weren't very strong and it was extremely difficult. Mel did everything for me and she was such a good friend to me, ugh I just love her to death. She helped me back up to my room, it was 5 or something by then. Since then I've been in my room lying down mostly, just trying to not worry about anything and just focus on my body and do everything i can to be relaxed and just trust in God through this whole thing. I'm not worrying about the classes I'm going to miss (the doctor ordered me not to go anywhere tomorrow, especially not until he's called me and talked to me about the results of my MRI). I'm very, very scared... but I know this is all apart of God's plan for my life and I know He will never leave me or forsake me.

My body goes in and out of numbness. My neck hurts in the back pretty badly and my upper back has shooting pains at times too. I feel fatigued overall, and short of breath sometimes. Right now, all I can do is pray that the doctor will have answers for me tomorrow. I don't know if I will have to be hospitalized or not. At this point, I'm leaving it up to God and whatever happens I will get through it, I know I will. Please pray for the healing of my body and peace of mind. <3

"take a sad song and make it better"

I'm just going to be super honest....... I am scared out of my FRICKIN' mind for starting this spring semester. So many things I wish I could know before diving in. I wish I could know if I'm going to get hit with kidney problems and other sickness issues some point during the semester. I wish I could be prepared for whatever ends up happening. I wish I could know what my heart really needs and wants. I wish I could know if he still wants me. I wish I could know how I'm going to deal with temptation to resort back to old habits when the temptation arises. But the thing is, we are never prepared for anything really. Everything is unknown. And everything is scary. That's just human nature though, to be afraid of the unknown. The thing that sets me apart is that my fear is expelled because of God's perfect love. I can't make the reference... but it says somewhere in the Bible that "perfect love expels all fear." That's really powerful.

I'm seeing that all I can do to "prepare" for whatever may come my way, is to equip myself with the Armor of God explained in Ephesians 6, and to just have faith in my Creator.

Job said in Job 2:10, "Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?" And these past few months for me have been all about learning the truth of that in my own reality.

My mom had lunch with me today on her break at Jason's Deli, and first of all it was amazing to have real food and have an appetite for it for the first time in 3 weeks WOOO!!!! um, but second of all, my mom asked me how I was feeling about going back to school right now, and I expressed how nervous and scared I am. She cares so much about me and just started encouraging me and telling me, "Em you can do it, you know you can," and all sorts of things to lift my spirits. I appreciate my mom so much. For all her faults, she makes up for it with all her love and encouragement.

Now I end with a beautiful song:

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude refrain
don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na na na
na na na na

Hey Jude don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
then you can start to make it better."
--The Beatles
<3

it could have been worse

ok...

me = on a liquid diet. 3 Boost drinks every day, as meal replacements. Until my appetite suppression due to prescription meds is lessened and more under control. ahhhhhh. not gonna lie, the Boost drink is NASTY. but I can't keep losing weight and never having any energy nor feeling good/healthy. Plus, drinking the Boost will hopefully keep me from having to be hospitalized and put on I.V. fluids.

I am now to a grand total of having to take 11 pills a day, soon it'll be down to 8 though. Yay (seriously. 8 is so much better than 11).

I know God has everything under control. Even though it's tough on me to be on so much medicine... I trust that I'll be ok someday. better than I am now.

<3

Frustration.

Sometimes life can be really frustrating. Everyone gets frustrated. And right now, frustrated is the only word that can describe me best. My health has been very much in the spotlight of my life lately, and although some things are WAY better, other things are not. I guess it's stupid for me to hold on to some kind of fantasy that I'm just going to all the sudden never have any bit of sickness affecting my body and mind. Everybody gets sick sometimes, with colds and allergies and what not, but the things that I deal with are on top of all of those "normal" kinds of sick. My main frustration is coming from a side effect of a new medicine that I'm on, and it basically has made me have a lack of appetite. Doesn't sound so bad on its face, but as applied it is causing me lots of problems. I just got my wisdom teeth out, and I was so nauseous from the pain medicine that I threw up anything I tried to eat the first 3 or 4 days after the surgery, and then slowly began eating solid food again after that. So I already went days without eating much. Then this new medicine started to effect my appetite, and it virtually makes me never hungry for food except for maybe one time throughout the day. Day after day after day it has been like this. It isn't easy to make yourself eat food when you don't feel the need to eat at ALL. But then I miss the feeling of being full after eating, and all of it together is just really frustrating. Because of this, I have dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks and I was already a very thin girl... 10 pounds off of me is not good. I am down to 107 pounds, for a girl who is 5'6 and a quarter tall. It's bad.

It's hard to not throw up my hands and just say "I can't"
I have to fight off the weariness every day, because I don't want to let this defeat me like I have let sickness do so in the past. I'm just learning as I go how to deal with all of this stuff. God must think I can eventually handle it, so I'll trust in that.

"every line is about who i don't want to write about anymore."

will this ever end..................? i have so much going on... and i know i can get through it all and i have hope and faith- but oh, how weary i am. how weary my heart is. every day is a battle. every day i have to walk up a hill. and it just seems to be getting bigger each time. will this ever end?

if I could just breathe......

The second I got back to Ames, I felt like I could breathe again. It felt like being home, for real.

I OFFICIALLY passed that darn kidney stone that has been causing me THE WORST PAINS EVER for like the past 4 weeks.... I passed it today at about 2 oclock, precisely during my english class (the one with the biotch teacher who doesn't give a rat's behind whether i'm in pain or not). I felt like I had died. But, of course, I was alive and breathing, but in quite a lot of pain still because of the terrible muscle spasms I'm getting in my kidneys from passing the stone. Nick held me in his arms while I cried and yelled the pain out until the ibuprofen started working and i got weak and tired from the whole ordeal I had just been through.

I've been learning so much about life, and if I wasn't such an insomniac that was aware of said insomnia problem and aware of sleep being what I must do even though I am an insomniac.... then I would keep writing about what I've learned and what I am currently learning about life. however, i AM such an insomniac. so I'm taking my sleeping pill and calling it a night.

tomorrow's a big day for me. peace.

"I'm afraid you sparked a nerve in me"

I still feel like I'm in the middle of a deadly storm, but I feel like I can see the end of it now. Somewhere off in the distance. It isn't close, but it isn't out of sight.

I've gone through more trials and suffering in the past month than I think I have ever gone through the past 18 years of my life. I've had it harder than ever before. I think I can say I've had it a lot harder than a lot of people around me. In hindsight, I still believe that everything I've been dealing with has happened for a reason and God chose this path for me and so I will walk it faithfully. But it has not been without struggle. It has not been without brokenness. I dealt with it the way I always deal with things. I go through it kicking and screaming, fighting and resisting like a stubborn mule. I go through it thinking, "how will I ever overcome this? why me? this isn't fair. i can't do this." I feel hopeless, I feel low. I feel dark, lonely, and all alone. But God doesn't give up on me, and neither do my friends and the people who love me. Above all, though, God keeps calling to me to come out of my pain and the darkness and into His arms. And finally, I'm answering. There is always that moment, that day when you realize you have to respond, you can't ignore it any longer and keep living the way you are, dependent on things that won't fix you like God can.

I'm starting to feel like I'm being me again, like I'm being Emily. I'm smiling up at the cloudy sky and it isn't closing in on me making me feel small and insignificant. I'm happy. :)

Citrate is my new best, and worst, friend.

After my appointment today with a Urologist at McFarland Clinic, I am now taking 6 pills of Potassium Citrate a day (2 pills 3 times), every day, forever. and they are horse pills. they are not easy to swallow one bit. they make me gag a little. they taste bad. I have never been prescribed 500 pills before for one prescription filling, ever.

This is going to change my life.

I hope it fixes my kidney stones issue. Because Dr. Milleman said, after all, I may just be un-fixable.

I'm overwhelmed.

p.s.- I have insomnia!

"...every plan is a tiny prayer to father time"

Oh, how life has changed. Honestly... I wish I could be 9 again for the time being. I wish my parents took me to Disney World and all I had on my mind was to decide between going on Space Mountain or Splash Mountain. That's it. Nothing else. But wishing is silly.

I just feel so adult-like. Well, I feel like I've been thrusted into adult-like circumstances, forcing me to act like an older, adult-like figure rather than the still-learning-how-to-be-mature 19 year old that I truly am.

The day I had to be rushed off to the Emergency Room changed my entire life around. It was instantaneously rearranged in every aspect. I can't believe I spent 7 or 8 straight days drugged up on vicodin to get at least some pain relief from the excruciating pain I felt radiating in both sides of my abdomen area. I can't believe how fast I spiraled into depression. how exhausted I was at every moment of every day, never hoping to wake up the next morning with happiness in my heart because I couldn't see any hope. Any hope of becoming better and getting healthy and pain-free again was slashed every moment I felt a tiny, jagged stone moving through my body making me wish I were dead... causing weariness and suffering that I would never wish upon anyone else...never.

The struggle I have faced and am still facing to be a college student while dealing with this sickness almost made me just one to give up and drop out. To be completely honest, I was so close to wanting to just leave. And I still wonder if I would have been better off if I had... just for the semester... I don't know. I am currently seeking help from my Hixson scholarship program head, Debra Sanborn, to see what she can do to help me with my situation. I also contacted my Adviser, well, my old Adviser but the one that knows me personally and knows my past struggle with this sickness from last year. I'm learning that asking for help is not as easy as you think it would be. But I'm learning that it is necessary at times, especially a time like this. I am seriously so anxious to see what's going to happen these next few days, next couple weeks... I need help, and I am just praying they have mercy on me for this being such a horrible sickness I can't control, and give me some kind of break. I need something to help me out here, desperately.

In a conversation with Nick just the other day, I told him how I came to a place in my heart where I can seriously profess I wouldn't have things any other way. No matter how much physical pain I've foregone, no matter how weary I have become, no matter how much it sucks and I hate it... I cannot say I wish it were different. Not really. I know this is what God has chosen for me to go through, and I know I am not alone. I know my faith will get me through all of this, God never fails us. I know that in my heart. I trust that.

I had an ultrasound today at McFarland Clinic with a nice lady named Wendy in the Radiology department. No... I don't have a bun in the oven. My doctor ordered the ultrasound to check what is going on inside of me, see if I have anything else going on besides kidney stones, possibly gallstones or other things of that nature. She took tons of photos, it took a good half an hour, longer than any other ultrasound I've had (this was my fourth). Usually I've just gotten my kidneys and bladder looked at, but she looked at a ton of organs, some that I can't even remember. I do remember pancreas, gallbladder, and kidneys... but yeah, I don't know there were a lot. Nick came with me to the appointment and it helped calm my nerves. Being around doctors and anything medical makes me uneasy and nervous because I have a great distrust in doctors that goes very far back in my past.

I have an appointment with a Urologist tomorrow at 2:30. I am looking forward to the possibility of actually DOING something about my kidney stone problem, but I am also not looking forward to this meeting at all. I am going to it alone and I have never done that... ever. I don't know this doctor and they don't know me. So I have to tell them the ENTIRE story beginning from when I got my first stone attack at the age of 13. I am afraid I won't sufficiently explain my story or that I'll forget things or accidentally leave something out. It's hard to remember everything that has happened. I basically have no idea what's going to happen at this appointment and that makes me nervous.

All of these things just make me feel like I am much older than I really am. And I'm not sure I like that. Not yet. Alas, that is where I find myself.

"This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world..."

well I don't think I drowned the whole world, but I probably have cried a river over the past 2 weeks. I probably cried a small creek just last night at Salt Company.

The whole night overwhelmed my heart. The minute I started singing in the first set of worship songs, I started tearing up. When we sang my favorite song of all time (From the Inside Out), it made a steady flow of tears begin to fall. When the woman got up and shared a little bit of her story and that the night was going to be about trials and suffering, I couldn't believe the timing of this message. Right in the midst of my biggest trial, my most suffering, we're going to talk about it at Salt. Oh geez. I needed kleenex very badly at this point, but Erin had none in her purse. I just had to use my sleeves. Then she sang a song that made me flat out start bawling. The words about going through the fire but not going through it alone, it was like God was speaking to me and only me. I cried the entire time Mark gave the message. My eyes were absolutely burning at that point.

I'm not being persecuted for being a Christian and suffering because of that, but I am suffering and it is a kind of suffering that God chose for me to go through and live through and use as a testimony to show others my faith and show God's glory. When Mark said one of his main points was that suffering doesn't make sense without God, that one really got to me. Because these past 2 weeks, I tried to make sense of how much pain I was constantly in... but the truth was it never made sense. Feeling the kidney stone pain frequently all day long, being unable to stand at night when it hit countless times up in Nick's room, having to explain time after time again to every professor what was going on with me... it accumulated to WAY too much pain for just one person, in my head. But then last night at Salt, it forced me to look at my suffering through the cross-lense, as Mark called it. I saw it God's way, not just my human way. And I was determined to not miss this opportunity to use my suffering as a tool to strengthen my own faith and maybe even the faith of others, maybe others who don't know about Jesus yet.

I thought I was done with the tears, but they started up again during the last set of worship songs. And then when we were free to leave, I turned to Erin and I just LOST it. And she hugged me and held onto me. And then I felt someone else surround me and my sister in a hug. For a brief second I opened one blurry eye and saw a charcoal gray-colored sleeve and I knew it was Nick. And then the three of us broke apart, and Nick just pulled me in again and held me while I continued to cry and cry and cry, and Erin got me napkins to blow my nose....finally. It was like I was crying all the pain out, releasing it all.

Last night was... exhausting.

And then everything changed

Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and HEALS ALL YOUR DISEASES***,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

***thank you Erin, my amazing sister, for this Psalm, and for hope.

just waiting to drown

I am freaking out.....

I'm so sick of living this life of... sickness. I'm sick of living like this, with an inability to go out and do anything fun, having to depend on other people completely, being a damn burden to the people i depend on, always trying to remember what doses of medicine i still need to take and what i've already taken, just not being able to DO much of anything. I hate having to depend on medicine to take away physical pain, because it takes away the pain, but it leaves you completely lifeless. And being lifeless like that eats away at my spirit. My joyful, happy, bubbly, spunky, cheery, energetic, vivacious spirit. I no longer feel like I am Emily, I don't feel like myself. And I hate that there's nothing I can do about it. Because, if I don't take the drugs they prescribed me to help me, then I'm not going to get better. But while I'm on the road to "getting better," basically I'm just this blob of cells lying in the dark in a bed, alone, feeling nothing but feeling everything all at the same time. Feeling nothing, being numbed up so nothing hurts while 2 tiny little stones move down through a tiny tube inside my body, but my heart hurts, my mind hurts- these medicines give me headaches, they make me dizzy, they make me nauseous, they make me sleepy and loopy, I act retarted in front of Nick and I'm glad he's patient because honestly I would get so sick of me.

Here's the thing about strength. There are two kinds, there's inner strength, and there's outer strength. Being strong doesn't mean you have either of these during a time of great trial and hardship. Being strong doesn't mean I can be in the middle of passing a kidney stone and i'm crying and then all the sudden because I'm such a strong person I can make that kidney stone fall right out of me, or that I can sit up in the middle of all that pain and say praise God I am in all this pain right now. No. That is NOT what being strong is about. Being strong comes from after all the pain has run its course. It comes when the hardship is overcome, and it comes through when I can say I knew inside my soul that all along I would come out alive after all of this pain and suffering, and I did. It comes through when I can get myself out of bed and feel the strength in my bones and my muscles and tendons as I start doing physically active things I couldn't do when my body was passing these stones. It comes from attitude. It comes from being a survivor. It comes from my testimony after my suffering has subsided for the time being. Pain is pain. Some people tolerate more pain than others, but I guarantee any person out there, no matter if they're a body builder or a thin, little college student like myself, or a mountain climber, or whatever- this pain would bring them to their knees, crying. And that doesn't make a person not strong. It makes them a person who is in pain. And that can't be helped. There are a lot of sicknesses out there that honestly can be prevented and shouldn't be that hard to prevent and a lot of it is common sense... but then there are things like kidney stones. My ER doctor from Monday said it the best: "sometimes you just can't beat genetics." And they asked me question after question about all kinds of stone-related prevention techniques, and every one of them I could tell them yes I do that, yes I drink that, yes I tried that. But I still have 2 kidney stones inside of me. You do the math- it's genetics. Can't be helped.

Strength is not tested by pain and suffering, it comes OUT of it and FROM it. It comes after the fact. There is no question I am super weak right now. But I am a strong person- ask anyone and they'll vouch for me on that one. I am a strong person because of the way I come out of these periods of pain and suffering. I'm so weak right now, in every way possible. And it's driving me crazy. I want to jump out of bed and go walk around campustown with my friends and go out to a movie and go do this and go do that, but I can't. I can hardly walk to the bathroom right across the hall without almost falling over from dizziness and faintness. I'm angry- angry at genetics. I'm pissed off. I'm depressed I have done nothing but struggle this week to get to class, which I rarely accomplished, and to make it to meals. I'm ashamed that I have depended on Nick for almost everything this week, that he has seen me high on vicodin and helped me to the bathroom to throw up, that he has been forced to hold onto me so that I don't fall over walking me back to my room at night. I'm embarrassed, I'm upset, I'm so frustrated with this disease. I'm mad that people think that I should just stop whining already and get on with my life- anyone out there who thinks that should probably get a kidney stone and tell me how you feel, and then try having them for 6 years and realize you will have them until you die, THEN come to me and tell me to stop whining.

the end.

misery

I feel like a vegetable. Always needing to just sit or lay down and do nothing. I basically never feel good. I mostly either feel pain, sad, numb, weak, and/or miserable. If I don't feel feverish from my kidney stone infection, then it's my hacking cough that won't ever stop and causes my throat great discomfort. If my cough is suppressed for a little bit, then I get drowsy, dizzy and weak from my pain meds so if I'm walking or out somewhere I'm basically gonna collapse unless someone is with me to walk me back to my room to lie down. Thank the Lord for Nick Brannen. If I'm not having any of those problems, I am nauseous or maybe even feel more kidney stone pain as I pass my stupid stones. I AM COMPLETELY MISERABLE. I am not afraid to say that I am completely depressed right now too. I obviously am not my normal, happy self- OBVIOUSLY, I mean come on... anybody in my shoes would be depressed.

I am afraid to try to go to sleep. Because immediately when I lay down and get comfortable, I get bronchial spasms and hack my brains out and wake up all of Friley probably with how loud my cough is. Once I calm down from that, I am all nauseous and dizzy from all the movement from hacking and sitting up and doing my inhaler. So I know I'm not gonna get any good sleep. ONce again. For the past like 3 nights. Tonight isnt gonna be any different.

Basically, I am a mess. a complete mess. just shoot me now.

all we know is falling

I can't tell you how fast life can change. But at the same time, I feel like I've been building up to this moment for the past month... like I should have expected it. But I guess you can't really expect something so unpredictable, just the fact that something you can't control and can't predict is going to happen probably- eventually, at some point. There's something crazy about the moment when I realize a difference between something I can handle and something I need major help with. I honestly cannot explain it in words... all I can say is, it's very memorable. That moment I realize I'm not just crying because it hurts, but I'm screaming and wishing I were dead because it unbearably hurts. Now I will tell you why I wrote all of that. I wrote that because of this:

Over the weekend, I became progressively more and more ill with a cold. It turned into more than just a stuffy nose and a sore throat... it became a bronchial spasming cough that left my throat shredded that left me with no voice and kept me from sleeping more than a couple hours for the entire night. Last night was the worst, nothing I tried would help me stop coughing every time I began to fall asleep. Since I didn't get any sleep, I didn't wake up for my 11 oclock class, so I roused myself a little after noon and made it to lunch with Nick. THe entire lunch I just felt like crying because my throat hurt so bad and I still had no voice and coughed like a barking dog mixed with a hacking smoker of 50 years, which all is very depressing because I feel like I am just ALWAYS sick. Nick tried to help me not think about it so I wouldn't get more depressed, and tried to help me focus on one thing at a time.

I had an exam in my law class this afternoon, so after lunch, he bought me a smoothie and we walked to the book store to get me some blue books for my exam. On the way back to Friley, I felt kidney pain, and it was getting more and more painful the more we walked. He supported me and watched how I progressed into a complete mess because the pain was so bad. When we made it back to my room, I collapsed onto my futon cushion and then that moment came- that moment I was talking about before. All the sudden, I had flashes in my head back to my freshman and sophomore years of high school, the two instances I experienced excruciating kidney stone pain that I absolutely could not bear and had to be rushed to the Emergency Room by my mom. I was having that pain, and I might even say it was WORSE than the other 2 times. I was screaming (of course it was a wheezy scream because I still had barely a voice), and I was telling Nick that I just wanted to die, it hurt that bad. I frantically got ahold of my mom and through my screaming and crying, we decided Nick would drive me to the ER, and my mom would leave immediately from her job and get to Ames as fast as possible. Once at the ER, after filling out ridiculous paperwork and signing all sorts of crap while I was freaking in pain, I finally got back into a room. I gave a urine sample. It hurt. I undressed and got into the stupid hospital gown. Honestly those things are the worst invention ever- why don't they have a hook in the back!?!? Anyway... they got all sorts of information from me, took my vitals, the nurse took a blood sample and stuck me with an I.V., finally giving me pain medicine. Ahh. Pain relief at once. Then they attached the fluid bag and flushed me with 500 mL of fluid through the IV. I asked Nick to come back into the room and be with me til the doctor came. Shortly after, my mom and sister rushed into the room to be at my side. I joked with them about random things (I find that I do that in tense situations whenever I am hospitalized) until someone came to take me to the radiology room for a wonderful CAT-scan. Nick wheeled me in my wheel chair with the lady pulling my fluid bag pole attached to my IV, and I did the CAT-scan. I've done many of them before, but still I felt like I was in a space ship the whole time and it was kind of entertaining. I was very relaxed from the pain medicine they had given me, so things were pleasant. back in the room, we waited for results. I was so glad to have my mom and my sister with me, and Nick too. They helped me so much just by being there.

So the results. Cat-scan showed I have 2 stones waiting to pass. One is high up, one is at the bottom of the ureter ready to drop into the bladder. They are both very small, so no blockage problems or anything, no need for surgery (I suppose that's a good thing). But at the same time, it means I have to pass them naturally... and just deal with the pain, whenever it chooses to strike. I also have a urinary tract infection from having the stones, which is very common and I am no stranger to having trust me. But the infection is causing me to feel very nauseous and feverish all the time, it caused me quite a lot of problems last night trying to sleep. ugh. umm.. what else. Oh, they gave me an inhaler for my cough thank the LORD, so that's helping a lot. They also gave me these pearl drops that help numb my chest and hopefully help suppress the cough as well. So I have an antibiotic for my infection, which makes me very nauseous if I don't have enough food in my stomach when I take it. They also gave me Vicodin for my pain as I pass the stones hopefully sometime this week. I had to be on the Vicodin last night because I got a lot of pain again, and then all throughout the night I was nauseous... I don't think I had enough food in me when I took it, I dont know, I have a sensitive stomach to all these medications. So this morning sucked, I didn't make my 9:30 class being drugged up on Vicodin, having to use my inhaler 3 or 4 times in the middle of the night and waking up every few hours feverish and sick to my stomach. It's just not fun. Not fun at all.

I almost started crying when I opened up my e-mail this morning, and had an e-mail from my hardcore law professor, Dr. Waggoner, in response to my e-mail to her yesterday as I was screaming in pain before Nick took me to the ER... she told me her "hubby" had kidney stones so she understood how much pain I was in, and to not worry about class at all, and to just "give her a holler" when I am well again. She's awesome. Kindness from professors never goes unnoticed by me... because I've had so many experiences with them being absolutely mean and very unhelpful.

I know God is with me through all of this, I know He is my strength, I know that I can deal with this and overcome all the pain. It's just very painful and very hard on my spirit, not just my physical body. I need all the prayers I can get. I am very weary.

Love, Em

let's be more than this

What a crappy week in the life of Emily Sexton. I've probably had 10 + hours of killer kidney stone pain, I think I have an infection with it which is common but of course will be gone before my doctor sees me (that's how it always goes I swear...), I honestly couldn't go to a ton of my classes this week because I was in pain and couldn't walk, and I just feel like everything is falling to pieces. My body is weak, I can't sleep at night and in the morning I have no strength, I'm trying to stay on top of my education and it's almost virtually impossible when I have the burden of a frickin disease hurting me over and over again, never letting me catch a break or stop to relax. The only moments of relief I get have been the times I hung out at night before bed up in Nick's room, helping him write his rhetorical analysis, studying for tests, drinking tea, and him making me laugh and feel happy for once. THis week has sucked. I have a cold on top of it now, my throat hurts and my nose is plugged.

At least my Health Studies 215 instructor was extremely kind and gave me her home phone number to call this weekend and set up a time for me to make up the exam I missed one of the mornings I was writhing in pain in my bed.

At least I got to eat dinner with my favorite youth pastor ever, yes, Mr. Brandon Barker, with my sister, Jamie, and Laina at Laina's apartment before he spoke at Salt last night.

At least I got to be lifted up at Salt last night by thinking about my home waiting for me in heaven and the living hope I inherited from God that is the one thing in this world that won't fade away and die.

At least I am registered for my spring '08 classes and that's done with, and I am officially an English major concentrating in Rhetorical Studies.

At least I had Nick to come to my room and sit with me and keep me company for an hour and a half while I lied knocked out from pain medication and felt completely miserable from kidney pain.

At least I got to make it to Wednesday TV night with the girls and hang out with Zach too.

At least I was told my memoir was the best thing I've ever written. That makes me happy. Thank you.

As always, I will conclude that the positive far outweighs the negative. But the negative still hurts a lot. And the truth is, I am physically very weak and unstable. It takes everything in me to muster up strength to walk out the door and go to class.

<3

should I stumble again, I'm caught in Your grace

man oh man oh man oh man. one more, oh man. k.

oh my gosh I am dying to be creative and artsy right now, but I have academics taking over my life right now and limiting my "leisure time" to the max. Poo on that. My sadness and frustration last week suppressed my desire to draw and fill up white pages with beautiful, bright colors. As the lyric goes, "it's not the colors that matter, just that they all fade away..." and so they did fade for a little. but now I thirst for color once again. The same way I thirst for my God to fill my cup day in and day out. I need Him so much right now.

Today, I was ok. Today... I was good. I've been very strong. Last night before going to sleep, I had a very good conversation with God. It started out with me being the resistant child... as usual, but ended with me surrendering everything to Him and letting go. It was very emotional. There was some crying (some? how about buckets...), there was some singing, there was some burying of the head, and then there was freedom.

I went to the hospital after my last class today. I was nervous. I set out to accomplish the one task I told myself I needed to do first and foremost, and I did it. I found the hospital, I used the free valet parking service, I sat down with the lab registration lady and gave her my insurance card and allllll the main digits every human must have embedded in their minds to prove their identity and get medical care (social security, phone number, address, you know all that good stuff), then I sat and waited a while, then they gave me my jugs for my two 24-hour urine labs I have to do sometime this week... oh the joy..... and then I went in with the doc and actually got the bloodwork done. I looked away and it didn't hurt at all (it never does... maybe I'm just really, really used to it...), she asked me if I had any questions and I replied no I do not... and then I left. The end. Check that off the list. Next task to tackle? Changing my major.

Every time I think about him (which is so very, very often...sigh...), I start thinking about God. I start to pray. I start to recite the words of a worship song in my head. I start to not hurt as much. The sting goes away for the time being. I don't like occupying my life and my mind with the things I know I don't REALLY want to occupy my life and mind with, but... that's just natural. I know I must. I know God has this all planned out. I know He's holding me in His hands.

Do I sound strong? I am.

But I really want to see him right now, I really want to be next to him RIGHT now...

...and I'll never let this go.

Man... does anyone else feel like they need a good week-long break from school and stuff? Or is that just me? Ok maybe it's just me... but that's how I feel. And the closest break we have is Thanksgiving. It's in November. It's September now. Oh goodness.

There's so much that I have to do! Things just swirl around in my mind constantly it seems... medical tests, start my tutor job, write an essay, make appointments- doctor and teacher both, law & politics exams, make sure I'm doing everything possible to prevent more sickness, read pages of court cases, read chapters in books, finish a book by next Tuesday. And out of it all, I have to figure out what's most important, and how everything follows. I would say right now my health is priority one. Mostly because everything else can't really happen when I am bed-ridden... shocking, isn't it. Then there's the little stuff. Like, clean my room so there isn't week-old soup sitting out on the table, and actually wash my clothes every once and a while.

I'm 19 years old, and I just want everyone to know that I still have trouble taking care of myself.

My latest assignment in my Creative-Nonfiction writing class was to write a personal essay. I missed out on a week's worth of class, in which we discussed and read examples of what personal essays are and how you write one... you know, tone, style, composition, all the basics. So I lacked confidence in writing my own, but I just kept writing because I had this burst of inspiration I couldn't ignore... I ended up writing a 4,400-word story that had me in tears half the time I spent writing it because it was so personal and made me re-live a lot of painful memories in my life. But the product is something... I am really proud of. I don't even know yet if I can turn it in as my personal essay, because of its length. But I think it's one of the best things I've ever written. I threw myself into it at 110 percent, I didn't hold back. At times, I wanted to throw my laptop across the room I was so mad, because I wanted to go to bed and wanted to stop writing but I just couldn't stop. And I'm glad I didn't stop. I don't think it would have turned out the same. I'd like to put it on here... but... it has some names in it and I'm not sure if I should put it on here for anyone to read. I don't know. It's really personal. But if you want to read it and you're a friend, let me know. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

I just think it's so crazy that I look back on my life and I have all these stories. And I have some pretty action-packed, evocative, intense stories... not gonna lie. And to think, I'm going to have so many more stories in like 50 years. Gosh that's crazy.

I've been sick a lot. Understatement. I'm sick pretty much all the time. If you're standing next to me and I don't act sick, it's because I'm acting like I'm not sick. Brief moments-- I'm lucky if it turns into a few hours-- I actually feel GOOD again and healthy and whole... but goodness, they don't last long enough. The worst part about being sick all the time, is being sick all the time and not knowing WHY you're sick all the time. I have some guesses. We have some appointments that are soon going to be made with hospitals and doctors, but nothing is certain right now. All I know is that my body hurts and needs help all throughout the week, for several weeks now. Kidney pain. Shooting pains in places you don't want to hear about. Headaches. Nausea. Sedation. Fevers. Muscle spasms. Backaches. Fatigue. Faintness. Dizziness. That the-room-is-spinning-so-much-I-can't-stand-up feeling... ya know. all that good stuff.

God, I know this is supposed to make me stronger, but all I feel is weak.

I'll be ok. I just have to take it one day at a time. And I am. Tonight I had to leave a show early because I felt like I was going to fall over I was so faint and I got feverish and a splitting headache, but hey- I drove home and tried to focus and not hit another car (I didn't, yayy) and I've been lying down on my futon mattress for almost 3 and a half hours now. I'm doing alright. I can do this. I can wake up tomorrow morning and go to church with Nick. I'll be fine!

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
--James 1:12

I'm trying. <3

kidney stones, ISU football, my hero Nick, me= zombie thanks to Darvocet, and critique I just can't accept about my writing... whoaaaa!

I look back on the past few days, and I just don't know what to say about it all. I have so many things floating around in my head right now. I'm having trouble separating it all out and focusing on them one at a time. Instead, everything is just one big blur.

Saturday started out bad the MOMENT I woke up. Seriously. I'm climbing down my ladder from my loft, and the kidney pain hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm just like, are you kidding me? Come on. The rest of the day was off and on, it came in waves, but it was constant. I tried to mask it most the time, but sometimes you just can't. It's never a good day to have kidney problems, but that day was particularly annoying to have to deal with it because I just wanted to have a good time at the ISU football game with friends and have fun and laugh... halfway through the 2nd quarter, I couldn't even hold my self up without someone supporting me, my body was just giving up and I couldn't see straight I was so dizzy and nauseous. I was so desperate to catch a Cy-ride bus to get back to Friley, but none of the buses were coming for at least 15 minutes and I couldn't wait that long... pain was starting to radiate again. We couldn't get ahold of my sister to pick me up and drive me back, so there was nothing to do but just tough it out and try to walk. I walked about half of the journey from Jack Trice Stadium with Nick supporting me and making sure I didn't fall over, stopping every few minutes so I could sit down and regain a tiny bit of energy.. and the other half Nick actually carried me the rest of the way because the pain was so bad, I was crying, and I was exhausted. I don't know how he did it, but somehow we got back to my room and I took my pain medicine.

Oh, the pain medicine.... it's a love-hate relationship let me tell ya. Darvocet is your friend, and your enemy at the same time. It's a narcotic and it helps my body deal with the pain from kidney stones, but it also has the power to completely sedate me, cause extreme dizziness and vomiting, nauseousness, drowsiness, and other things... trust me the list doesn't get any better. It also makes me completely loopy and do things I seriously don't remember and lose a lot of my inhibitions. My sister came and sat with me and Nick for a couple hours, then she left and Nick just stayed with me the entire night, helping me whenever I needed something and just being an amazing support system for my weakest moments. Oh my gosh, if everyone I knew saw me the way Nick saw me Saturday night, I would flip out. I'm too vulnerable, too weak, too helpless, and too needy. I hate it.

Sunday was the after-effects of the pain medicine.... if I wasn't sleeping at my sister's apartment for 3 hours, I was confined in the quarters of Friley not doing anything at all, just kind of sitting there. existing. but not really with it. Later in the evening I felt a little more alive and hung out with Bri, Nick, Eric and Scott up on 5th floor and had some laughs, but then I took two steps back and couldn't walk back to my room without Nick holding me up and coaching me as I took each step almost fainting at times. I hate the picture these occurrences paint of myself, but I can't change them, I can't control them! And I know that I can't help the fact that the pain and the side-effects make my body act the way it does, I can only be as strong as my body lets me be.... and when I have kidney problems, that's not much strength at all. Monday was unpleasant at best, I made it to one meal at least. I slept and rested most of the time if I wasn't making it to two of my three classes (one just couldn't be achieved). I broke down in tears several times because of my frail state, and had to be pep-talked into just being able to walk to Kildee for my psych class. I was afraid of the unpredictability of my disease, and the fear drives me to tears sometimes. The kidney monster can hit whenever it chooses, and I will be helpless no matter where I am and no matter who I'm with.

Walking down the hall to go to the bathroom makes my body gasp for breath, because it feels like I just ran a marathon. Going up a flight of stairs makes me lose my sense of balance and makes the room start spinning until I can't stand up straight. Last night, I got sharp knife-life kidney pains in my OTHER flank, confirming I have problems with both kidneys and not just the left, and it hurt so bad I couldn't walk at all and Nick carried me to my room.

If I didn't have Nick here in Friley to help me do the simple things that kidney problems make so difficult for me to accomplish, like walking to the bathroom or getting up to go eat a meal at the udcc..... I seriously don't know what I would do. I suppose I could recruit Brian or Eric or even Nick Howard to help me, but they'd probably get freaked out by it and that in turn would make me freak out because I hate making people uncomfortable more than anything else. I could call my sister, but honestly with her schedule I don't know how she would ever have the TIME to help me do those simple things like walk down the hall, plus she'd have to drive 10 minutes every time and that's just not even feasible, not with how frequent the problems happened the past few days. Bottom line, Nick has been my hero, and I couldn't be more grateful for someone to take care of me when I can only do so much to take care of myself.

Guess what? I'm friggin dropping Astro.120, THAT'S WHAT!

My allergies have turned into a full-fledged cold I think.... or just really, really bad allergies. The kidney pain exits, and something else enters- that's how it always is with me, you just learn to deal with it.

I got a B on my first essay in my English 305 class, and it pissed me off more than anything because of the comments I got from my teacher.... I could go into it more in another post, but I'm seriously upset. I'm definitely going to talk to her about it, because it's kind of ridiculous. I know that piece was an A. And her comments about my writing are just unsettling, really unsettling. There's no other way to describe it. It made me think... huh... maybe I should find something else to be my NUMBER ONE PASSION IN THE ENTIRE WORLD that I can actually BE REALLY GOOD AT, gosh dang it. Don't mess with my passions. I'm unsettled.

I'll end with these impeccable lyrics from Copeland's "Love Is a Fast Song"-

You dont have to be ashamed
because youre a miracle through and through
you dont have to be ashamed
of the miracle inside of you

what has love become
its not like we used to hear in those old songs
and its not like yours
what has love become

your love is in motion
and its spinning me around
my heart is in motion
for the movement thats in you

you should not be angry
if all she wants is your money
you should not be angry
because all you want is her body

what has love become
its not like we used to hear in those old songs
and its not like yours
what has love become

your love is a fast song
and im dancing because im loved again
my heart is in motion
for the rhythm inside you
your love is a slow song
its resounding through my world again
my heart is in motion
for the song inside of you

your love is in motion
and its spinning me around again
your love is a fast song
and im dancing because im loved again
your love is a slow song
its resounding through my world again
my heart is in motion
for the song inside of you