There are some people I never want to be like.

So I recently had an experience with some people, in particular some people of the female species. And as most people know, I shy away from hanging out with girls unless they are my very good friends or are truly great people that do not belong in the general stereotype of the female population. We all know girls like this. They are almost everywhere. You just can't seem to get away from them. I do not think of myself to be better than these girls in any way, shape, or form. However, I have very strong beliefs when it comes to how I act and how I represent my gender when I act a certain way. This being said, I just want it to be clear that I am not saying I am better than anybody, but I am saying I do not think of myself as the stereotypical girl of Generation Y. And that is very important to me.

A lot of these girls actually think of themselves the same way I think of myself. Not like "them." But I assure you, they are sadly mistaken. It is a sad thing that we even have this stereotype about being a young female that has presented itself as something girls must fight against for much of their young lives. But the reality of things is that it exists. So deal with it. You can only pretend so long.

I have been thinking a lot about this over the weekend, because of what happened a couple nights ago when I was out and about. I remember retelling the story of events that night to my lovely roommate just the other day, and she was listening to my every word as if she were watching a suspenseful movie just about to reach its climax and change the world we know forever. Dripping with drama.

I arrive at my really good guy friend's place. I found him and we hugged and said salutations, the usual. Then he told me to go set up for a game we were going to play and he'd be there in a minute to join me. So I'm waiting. Then I look over and I see this random girl walk up to him and start doing what can only be described as a desperate attempt to get a guy's attention and somehow fulfill her slutty quota for the night. Ew. The only thing is, he's not stopping it. Cool. A girl that I only assume is a friend of said desperate girl comes over to me and asks me, "hey are you and that guy together?" I look at her. I make up my mind very quickly to not be THAT GIRL that thinks she possesses something that she really doesnt. I say, "no we are not together. I don't want her dancing with him though." I felt it was a good representation of my complicated thoughts at the moment. She walks away. My guy friend finally snaps out of it and walks over to join me at our game. We're getting things ready, when all the sudden said desperate dancing girl pushes me out of the way and stands inbetween me and my guy friend so that we can't stand next to each other. I kindly say, "excuse me, this is my friend, we're playing right now." She turns to me and shoves me further away and goes, "He's MY partner. GO AWAY." She literally shoved me. I want to explode, but I try to kindly tell her to move away so we can play our game and she can play next, and she grabs my guy friend and nuzzles close to him as she forcefully tells me that she is playing with him, not me. My guy friend says and does nothing.

This does not make me feel good. I hold back tears, and walk into my friend's room and shut the door so I can be alone because I feel like I'm about to cry. A second later, all the sudden the door is flung open and in walks in another girl. She stands very close to me and yells, "HEY, what's the problem?!" I tell her very calmly, "there's no problem, a girl was not being very nice to me and shoved me and it was very rude." The girl then explains to me that that's her best friend and somehow felt the need to assure me several times that she's "NOT A SLUT" and that I need to keep my mouth shut(uhh?). This is perplexing, stupid, and annoying to me. I tell her calmly, "That's fine. But your friend shoved me out of the way and it was just really uncalled for and unnecessary." Apparently that just set her off. Apparently she doesn't respond well to calm, chill, laid-back, nice girls. Because, next thing I know, this girl GRABS my chin and pulls me close to her face (what?!), yells some garbage at me about being a b*tch, then PULLS MY PONYTAIL HAIRBAND OUT OF MY HAIR and THROWS IT ON THE GROUND. I look at her and I'm like, "excuse me?! get away from me!" and I walk out of the room and back to where everyone else is. I pull my guy friend aside and try to explain to him what just happened, and I'm holding back tears again, and he is completely belligerent and just looks at me and goes, "Emily. You need to leave. Just leave." I grab my purse and I am out of that place faster than you can say "Unbelievable."

The worst part is when I am walking out of the door, I turn back as it opens again and the mean girl who pulled my hair out is standing at the door, waving at me, and says, "Bye!!!"

I wrote about this because this is something I have never experienced before. I have never felt what I felt on this night after having these random, slutty, disrespectful, gross, b*tchy girls attack me when I did absolutely nothing to provoke them, nothing wrong, and pretty much nothing at all but come over to MY friends of 2 and a half years and hang out.

So I stand strong on what I put as the title of this blog: There are some people I never want to be like. And those girls are those people. Unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE.

opinions.

i'm being a bit opinionated today. i don't care....


first of all, i really want EVERYONE to STOP talking badly about Bekah towards me. She is not a perfect person but i'd be really surprised if anyone else on this PLANET would call themselves perfect. i'm seriously sick of people bringing up past mistakes she and i have made together and not believing that i am a strong enough person to change. i am extremely protective of that girl for a lot of really good reasons, and i won't let one more person attack her name. she has been a friend to me when literally no one else would be, tried to be, or cared to be, and no matter what your opinion of her is, i love her and accept her for who she is, flaws and all. that's the picture of Christ's love for us. PERIOD.

secondly, i'm sick of girls being slutty. i'm sick of ex-girlfriends trying to get to me. i'm sick of girls named Rachel. i'm sick of Christian girls who parade their bodies around even though they claim to follow God and His Word, yet don't think the way they dress themselves is specifically targeted in the Bible even though it is. or they do know it's in the Bible, yet continue to dress with the attitude 'hey boys come and get me, but i'm a nice Christian girl". i'm sick of seeing hypocrisy and immodesty and immorality within the Church.

thirdly. i do not think it is right for others to expect recovery in any way, shape, or form from a person who can hardly manage their day-to-day life. are you that selfish, naive, or idiotic to not see when a person is truly struggling just to LIVE? and how dare anyone spend their time pointing out this struggling being's flaws when you have heard from their very mouth the pain they are in EVERY DAY. honestly how self-centered can you be.

i'm realizing that, in discovering what i truly believe as an individual, i have very different views on the things of life than a LOT of people. i'm confused because what i believe really does seem RIGHT to me, based on what I read in the Bible. and i'm confused that other Christians do not share these views with me if they are reading the same Bible as me.

i'm frustrated.

"...water's getting harder to tread, with these waves crashing over my head..." -lifehouse

The place we are at right now in our lives is exactly where we are supposed to be. Sometimes that's hard to swallow. It doesn't go down so easy. It gets stuck in your throat and tightens up. It hurts. What if the place you're at is totally awful? How can that be the way your life is meant to go? A few tears every now and then never hurt anybody, and everybody knows deep down inside that the hard stuff in life only makes you stronger and better.

The thing is, sometimes a few tears turn into a flood. A flash flood. And it's apart of an even bigger storm. With crashing waves and slicing wind and crushing hail. So once you start to let it sink in that this storm that has taken over your life is actually not a detour from "The Plan", an off-road accidental short cut that took you off the REAL road you're supposed to be driving down, but it is actually 100% right where you are supposed to be. You're supposed to fall down hard and cut your knee and cry because it hurts. You're supposed to get angry at a loving God who seems so bent on hurting you. You're supposed to feel. You're supposed to sit alone at night and hate what's happening.

But, you see, there's so much more. And we spend so much time neglecting that. I look at life and think: More. Because if you think of it any less of a way, what's the point? you're hurting and you're miserable and you hate your life- then just end it. what's the point of getting up in the morning if life is just life and you're just existing because you happen to be here and you might as well get what you can out of it while you're here.

I don't know how long I'll be in this storm. I can't see God's purpose for all of this pain being thrust upon me time and time again. I know it's there- I know He's got something in store for me... but I don't know when and I don't know what. I just know He's here with me through it all. That's faith, and that is something I have never lost and never will. Because it is a choice. And it is a practice. And no matter how close I get to death with all the mistakes I make and wrong turns I take, I choose life and freedom through the Son. I may lose my sanity at times, I may lose control of my actions, I may lose my good judgment, I may lose my zest for life, I may lose my joy..........but I will never lose faith. I believe in MORE.

Growing up is interesting when it comes to me in particular... because I am not necessarily the most independent 19-year-old you'll meet, and I am not by any means even close to being wise and mature like the people you look up to in your life, perhaps your parents, a pastor, a friend..whatever. But, for some reason, I find myself thinking and writing about "growing up" a lot. I talk about my "growing up"-ness all the time. I wonder if it's because certain people's words left me broken over their perception of my behavior, and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces by proving them all wrong. Somebody very close to me once told me I don't know anything about what it means to be an adult. And that hurt me very, very deeply for some reason. This was recent, by the way. The truth is, I was forced to grow up in certain ways before I was ready. And that left me very confused and very broken.

How does a 14-year old girl live with a disabled father? I mean...how does a *20* year old girl live with her disabled father? How?? They function like a 5 year old yet have the body of a 50 year old. Life like this forces one to grow up in ways they should not have to grow up in yet. But there's no stopping it and there's no going back. Ever.

My life for the past 6 years or so has brought me to where I am now- wondering so many things... so many questions. Important questions.

How do you not let your parents' disintegrating marriage get you down and keep you down? How do you stop it from ruling your thoughts on love and marriage and commitment and promises? How do you guard your heart from the despair of seeing your parents interact with utter hate? Love is.... my whole WORLD summed up in one word. Love is ALL that matters. Love is where peace and kindness and joy and friendship and trust and humility and hope flow from. God is love. And yet, the most sacred love of all between a married man and woman, is thrown to the wind before my very eyes. It's terrifying. It rips me apart every day and every night I live. Honestly.

How do you trust someone who lied to you and broke your heart? How do you trust men in general with your heart and your thoughts and feelings ever again, after someone you thought would never hurt you... goes and emotionally cheats on you and thinks he can get away with the lies and the deceit without getting caught?

How do I accept the shortcomings of others, while I have so many of my own, yet not let them own me and push me around?

How do I get you to listen, to really.. listen?

Growing up and becoming an adult isn't about knowing what to do when trouble erupts. Being an adult is about understanding that you may not have the answers or the ability to resolve the hard things that come our way... but striving to do the right thing, always. Being an adult doesn't mean your life appears perfect to everyone else. It doesn't mean you don't have a drinking problem, or an addiction, or broken relationships. It's about an understanding of life that only comes from living, from time, from trial and error, from our experiences, from making decisions and making choices. That's what being an adult means. I may be 20, but I've been through more than most 20-year-olds... I'd put money on that for sure. I used to not be ok with that. But I am now. Why? Because this storm is right where I'm supposed to be.

"I crossed the desert to be with you, I need you, I need you next to me."

I don't know how to describe life as of late. That's kind of saying a lot, since I am pretty good at describing things being a writer and an English major and everything......

Hm. I don't know. It's important to get out what is inside of you, because if it stays there you can never be certain what affect it will have on you. No matter what it is, I think it's better to get it out and feel free than keep it in and let it sit and stew until things just boil over everywhere. It's also important to have discretion. I find myself very uninhibited most of the time, so sometimes discretion is not my first thought... or my second... or third...you get the picture. But it is also very important to not let the fear of imposing yourself on other people keep you from doing what is best for you. Thoughts that go through your head might be- "but what will they think? what if this causes them to be angry at me? what if they think poorly of me afterwards?" but, it's very important to push those thoughts aside if it is in your best interest. I'm trying to take these three points and shake them up and somehow live a balanced, reasonable, and right way. It's not easy and it's not too hard, so somewhere I'll get it right.

Also. Isn't it funny how the things we try to control in this world really end up controlling us? Maybe not funny, to some extent... but interesting nonetheless. Maybe the solution isn't what you'd think it to be, even if it seems totally right and you've "thought it through" (like you think about something and magically end that issue in your mind as if it never comes up again..? yeah right). Sometimes what actually happens is we try to fix our problem area SO much, we end up right where we started off. Let me explain. We keep ourselves messed up the more we continue trying to UN-mess up our lives. Every problem area we have, every part of ourselves we need and try to fix, is like a box we're stuck in. And the more we try to fight out way out of the box, the longer we're going to stay stuck in that box. If I have a problem with being self-controlled maybe, to change that I would think I need to try to have more self-control... more control of myself. And what actually ends up happening, is eventually I get to a point where I'm not really controlling anything, I'm being controlled by myself without even knowing it and it leaves me exactly where I was before- out of control, lacking self-discipline, whatever you would like to call it. So maybe the solution is not really GETTING OUT, GETTING AWAY from that problem, from that box. Maybe the solution to your problem is to explore it a little, or a lot. Accept it. Accept that you have something you need to better, to work on, and that you're still ok no matter what that problem is. You're not bad. After acceptance, you feel empowered and free to fix your eyes on the positive place you want to get and not the negative place you're sitting in at the moment. Only then can problems begin to get fixed. Recovery isn't a day-long process, but I think it should be recognized that my faith in Jesus Christ is the kind of faith that believes in miracles. I believe that Jesus could take away every bad thing in my life in the matter of a second because I have faith in His great and mighty power. But you still have to understand, problems can go deeper than you think, and they will take time to recover from and to fix.

I just think it's time we start thinking about things differently than before. Or maybe, just be more aware that the way we think about things might not actually be the way things really are.

current mood: angry

Wow, I'm amazed at how many assholes there actually are here at Iowa State. And I'm referring to its professors. They may have credentials and brains and titles, but they are jerks who treat students like numbers that they are forced to shove information in our faces and give us exams for good measure that really make them delighted in their own intelligence that is far above ours, proven time and time again by all the "numbers" that walk through their door- faceless and insignificant.

I'm just going to take this opportunity to say- Screw You, Iowa State professors who fall under the asshole category, may you rot in hell someday after putting me through hell just because I want to get an education and be successful in life. THE END!

Up too late ONCE again :(

Just some points I'd like to, uhhh, point out:

-today? weirdest day I've had in a while, what a freaking roller coaster of emotions. and no it's not that time of month.

-Halo 3 came out midnight tonight. I am curious to see how many people will not be going to class tomorrow so they can huddle up in their rooms and play this much-anticipated video game all day and all night, and all day and all night, and so on and so forth.

-regarding my psych class (Social Psychology 280) today... cognitive dissonance? this whole idea just bothers the heck out of me! and perhaps I will explain why at a later time.

-Mostly I have days where I marvel at all that I possess, and how blessed I am. but sometimes I have a day or two where I focus on everything I don't have, and want very badly, and ultimately can't have because I have no money to spend on anything but necessities..... and coffee and the occasional junk food binge. you know. Today was the latter. It's stupid, but I really just want a new dress to wear that makes me look really cute, but there's no way I can just spend $50 or $60 dollars on a piece of clothing without being disowned from the family. For real.

-Last night was a turning point in a relationship, and I'm so glad I have someone who can lead me back to the right thing and not the wrong thing.

-Hey... almost 3 months. that's pretty cool. :)

-I am learning all about marijuana in my health studies drug education class, and the more I learn the more I cringe when I think about what people are doing to their brains every time they want to get high. It seriously makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I never realized the effects that drugs have on the very cells that everything we do to live depend on, and how every time you inhale marijuana you are robbing the cell of necessary nutrients that leads to a loss of cell energy and then retards the growth, maturation, and optimal function of every cellular system. I think you're pretty stupid if you choose to do that to yourself because you want to feel high for a little while.

-Overall, I am now getting less sleep on average than I used to at the beginning of the school year. This always happens, ugh!!!! I have to get back my sleep system where I'm not up past 12:30 on most nights during the week!! Sleep really does make everything better... seriouslyyyy.

-I am learning more in my Law & Politics (Pol. S. 319-TAKE IT) class than I have learned in all of my classes combined probably from the past year and 2 months or so. It's incredible!!!!! I even started looking at the possibility of going Pre-Law. Yeah... can you even imagine? Sheesh. Anyway, it's a very difficult class. Every day I am forced to learn an entire new language of terms and words and definitions and how to apply them to the law.... on top of that, we must read hundreds of pages of supreme court cases full of dissenting opinions, the majority opinion, complex discussions on original and appellate jurisdiction and substantive due process rights and procedural due process rights... and then apply Amendments of the Constitution and Legislative History and mix in the personalities of Supreme Court Justices and the times at which these cases were decided, and figure out what they're saying and analyze them down to the very last millimeter of information, and then apply all of that in ways that we can analytically discuss in multiple-essay question exams. It makes my head spin every second of every day pretty much, but I can't help but love it!!!

My benadryl is kicking in so I need to turn out the light! the end. <3

"...and I'll take the truth at any cost."

"I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this...

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole."-Paramore


Gosh, I'm saddened by some things. It just kind of hits me some moments more than others, and this is one of those head-on collision moments. How do I say this and tell you how I feel without sounding like a complete hypocrite? I am not perfect. Neither are you. I have my battles, you have yours. But one battle in particular just makes me sad, and confuses me...

I just don't get it. Aren't we supposed to set ourselves apart from the rest? Don't we believe in a God who asks us to be different than everyone else, no matter how good everyone else looks doing it, or how much fun they look like they're having? You know these things, you believe in these things, you go to church and learn about these things every week, you love our heavenly Father and want to follow Him.... and yet, you get to college, and...? You do it, you try it. Why do you drink? Why do you take the cup? Just a one time thing? We can hope, right? But chances are, you'll be doing it again sometime soon. Curiosity? Curiosity will never be satisfied. We will always be curious, so if your reason is because of your curiosity, good luck cutting that habit. Especially if you weren't one of those high school drinkers, why do you get to college and all the sudden feel like it's ok? Like you're not still underage, like you're not still under the commandment to resist temptation the way you did all throughout high school. I feel like going hey here's a high-five you made it through the high-school drinking scene, now welcome to the college drinking scene and... oh, uhhhh I take back that high five. Eh? That's my confusion with the whole matter. If you're gonna drink now, what was the big deal with not doing it throughout high school? Don't you wanna do the BEST you can for the God who loves you so? So you lasted 2 years or so, but now you're gonna throw in the towel- it's just too hard? If you're gonna take a drink now, why did you resist for 4 years or however long alcohol was apart of your social environment? Isn't it kind of all for nothing then?

The thing about morals, to me, is not just about HAVING them. Ask a bunch of people, ask a bunch of non-Christians or non-religious people and they probably have morals too. It's not just about having them, it's about KEEPING them. It's about keeping them even when it's hard, it's about not throwing them out the window for a fun weekend at college parties. Or whatever reason you come up with to justify the fact that you drank when you're not legal. Did you know that the age-limit for legal drinking is the age it's set at because the brain is still developing up til the age of 25, and in special areas that can be hurt and ravaged by alcohol? Our precious, precious brains that let us feel pleasure and pain and control everything our bodies do and feel and think! Yeah, it's not really the government just trying to make young people angry, it's actually for our own good- crazy idea, right? I like rebelling against "the man" and authority every now and then just like anyone does, but I know laws are made to protect us and they're made for the good of humanity.

Why do I get the feeling that people, CHRISTIANS, are just dropping like flies when they stand up to alcohol in the college setting? I don't know. One soul... is a SOUL. So one is enough to make my head spin, but any more than that and I'm in tears over this. I'm not even kidding... I'm really saddened by this. It breaks my heart to see lost people lose themselves even more and cover it up with vodka and beer. It breaks me to see a broken generation break themselves over and over again, weekend after weekend, until they're out of control.

Set yourselves apart.

"...well I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE!"

I'm putting my foot down on all of this nonsense. I refuse to give in to what's easy. You know what's easy? Getting mad. Firing frustration off like a gun. Taking advantage of the ones who love us the most... acting as if they'll always be there waiting for our bad moods to get better. I just don't get why we let the pettiness of life consume everything. We stare at these earthly things like it's all there is, like there's nothing more to it than this. Take your gaze heaven-bound.

People are going to let us down. This is a fact. God is the ONLY ONE who will never let us down or disappoint. For all you folks out there who think there is someone else, or several someone elses who are truly ALWAYS there for you and 100% reliable, dependable... sorry to bust your bubble, and I hope this doesn't come off in an angry way- it is more just straightforward and honest, but humans fail other humans all the time. We have to understand that no one can be held to an impossible standard. We have all fallen.

I can only give all of me. Anything else, I can't do it. I have nothing left. I'm sorry. I can share my time with you, use my energy on you, offer my words to you, and just love you in all the ways that we can love people. Anything more than that, I'm sorry, but you're going to be let down if you expect more.

I simply refuse to let the infectious disease seep into my bloodstream and take hold of me. Whatever it is, whatever is making the world off balance- MY world, my people, my hearts and souls that affect me and vice versa- whatever it is, I refuse to allow it to ail my already ailing heart, simply from it infecting people I love and hold dear to my heart.

Gosh.... do you feel it? Do you FEEL?

Let the love of God wash over your heart. If you feel nothing else, feel that. God is love. Love conquers all.

this is the end, it stops here. this nonsense is over. I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE!
<3

"then tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises that you said you didn't want to fade..."

i'm just in the mood to do this.

Favorite Songs of just a few of my favorite bands, be prepared......

Death Cab For Cutie:
1. Tiny Vessels
2. Sound of Settling
3. Transatlanticism
4. We Looked Like Giants
5. Marching Bands of Manhattan

Mae:
1. Breakdown
2. Giving It Away
3. Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

Dave Matthews Band:
1. Warehouse
2. Big Eyed Fish
3. American Baby
4. Best of What's Around
5. Stay or Leave

The Wedding:
1. This One Is For You
2. I-540
3. Fireworks

Guster:
1. Careful
2. Ramona
3. Backyard

Jimmy Eat World:
1. Work
2. Hear You Me
3. Kill

John Mayer:
1. Why Georgia
2. My Stupid Mouth
3. Your Body Is a Wonderland
4. Bigger Than My Body
5. Back To You

Relient K:
1. Be My Escape
2. Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
3. Getting Into You
4. Failure to Excommunicate
5. Must Have Done Something Right
6. For The Moments I Feel Faint
7. Pressing On
8. Life After Death & Taxes
9. I Am Understood
10. Overthinking

Sigur Ros:
1. Saeglopur
2. Andvari
3.Hoppipolla

Third Eye Blind:
1. Semi-Charmed Life
2. Jumper
3. Never Let You Go

Anberlin:
1. A Day Late
2. Paperthin Hymn
3. Time and Confusion

Coldplay:
1. In My Place
2. The Scientist
3. Clocks
4. Trouble
5. Yellow
6. Amsterdam
7. Warning Sign
8. Fix You
9.Talk
10. White Shadows

The Envy Corps:
1. Sylvia (the Beekeeper)
2. Rhinemaidens
3. Story Problem

The Faint:
1. Southern Belles In London Sing
2. Glass Danse
3. I Disappear

The Format:
1. On Your Porch
2. The First Single
3. I'm Ready, I Am
4. She Doesn't Get It (acoustic)
5. Tie The Rope

Goo Goo Dolls:
1. Slide
2. Name
3. Black Balloon
4. Iris
5. Acoustic #3
6. Big Machine
7. Here Is Gone
8. Let Love In
9. Sympathy
10. Better Days

Disney:
1. I Just Can't Wait To Be King
2. I'll Make A Man Out of You
3. Colors of the Wind
4. Whole New World
5. Part of Your World
6. Can You Feel The Love Tonight
7. Hakuna Matata
8. Kiss the Girl
9. Under the Sea
10. Circle of Life

can you paint with all the colors of the wind?

soo... I was impulsive yesterday. Just like I was two years ago, when I called my friend Jamie and said, "hey! I want to dye my hair brown! I'm going to the salon right now. wanna come?" Instead this time, I went back to my roots. It's not natural [obviously], but it's dangerously close to my natural hair color of platinum blonde. It makes me happy to see myself in the mirror and feel more like myself (that sounds weird), because I grew up 16 years of my life having white blonde hair. I don't regret dyeing it dark brown at all. I loved dyeing it summer of '05! I loved changing colors so drastically and impulsively, and not telling anyone about it before doing it. I get such a rush doing things like that. I can't help myself. But, for the past couple months, I had been thinking about how much I missed my original locks of gold. I missed bein' the blonde-haired, blue-eyed girl. So, Sunday (Mother's Day), I decided at noon I wanted to change it back, and I was in the salon at 1 pm picking out the colors with my stylist Brittany- who basically became my best friend throughout the whole process.... I didn't leave the salon until 4:30, it took super long because I have so much freaking hair. Seriously you don't know how much hair you really have until someone puts every little strand in pieces of foil and brushes on the highlighting color... on EVERY little strand. ahhh! I was so restless sitting in that chair. But it was fun. I was so freaking excited the whole time. Like I said, I just get a rush doing stuff like that.

I don't really care what people think, even my friends and parents and stuff. I never care what people say about how I look, and I never really have. I just have always said to myself, it's my body, it's my face, it's my hair, it's my look, it's me- so I'm the only opinion that matters when it comes to how *I* look. When my dad saw my blonde hair yesterday, he said it looked great and then said, "you know to be truthful, I never liked it brown!" and I just thought it was funny. Self-image means your image of yourSELF, how YOU feel about yourself, not what other people say and what other people make you feel about yourself. My self-image is all about how I feel about myself, and that includes how I look everyday when I walk out the door. I love myself because God created me in His image, and to NOT love myself is really to slap God in the face if you think about it. I love how I look. I love how I look with brown hair, I love how I look with blonde hair, I love how I look with a bunch of eyeliner on, and when I have nothing on my face when I go to bed at night and wake up in the morning. It's about loving yourself even though you have imperfections. I also think that you cannot learn how to truly love others unless you love yourself, because everything you do is affected by what you think of yourself. If you understand your value and your worth because of who made you- an amazing God who calls you to be like Him- then you can appreciate and understand others' value and worth, therefore inviting love to grow. So yeah. That's why I love how I look no matter what! As a girl, it's common to feel "unpretty" at times and stuff, but those are just fleeting feelings, they don't really matter. I feel "unpretty" when I'm lying in bed in pain from my kidney disease, and when I've been in the hospital for 3 days looking like death and stuff, and after I sweat a lot playing soccer or something... but I know I'm beautiful underneath the sweat and the tiredness and the weariness. Hope this isn't coming off conceited, that's not my intended tone at all- more just trying to help others see that you shouldn't base your opinion of yourself on the opinions of others.

Hair is fun to change. I think I'll be sticking with my blonde roots for now though! :)

On another note,
Today rocked. First of all, I went on a bike ride. A 45-minute bike ride, where I biked from my house in Glen Oaks to the beginning of the Bike Trail by E.P. True Pkwy and Prairie View Dr., then biked for a good 3 or 4 miles towards Grand Av. and Hyvee, then turned around and road back the entire thing and back to my house. So all in all, I think I biked about 8 miles or so. It felt fantastic, but I was freaking exhausted at the end... especially because the entire way back on the Bike Trail I was going against the 30 mph wind gusts the whoooole time and it was mostly uphill once I got off the Bike Trail. I also had the gears on the highest resistance so I was working my legs harder, which I loved, but... my legs hurt like a mother right now. hah.

Then I got home, showered, and Aubrey called me and it turned out she didn't have to babysit! So she came over and we watched Gilmore Girls, had dinner with my mom, and then we went to Natalie's AP Art Show at Valley H.S.... ugh, her stuff was so stinkin' good, she's so talented. It was kinda weird being back at my old high school and seeing a bunch of people I knew, but, at least I didn't get recognized by my old AP Art teacher hahahah, crazy Mrs. Harris. Aubs and I left after about an hour, and we went to the Starbucks on University Av., got coffee, and sat outside at the little tables they had out there. We ended up sitting out there for a good 2 hours! and it was so great, Jared met up with us there and the three of us just sat there and talked the whole time. Aww, I always have good conversations with Jared. He's a good guy. Hah. So he left at like 9, so Aubs and I started driving back to my house.... but at the Mills Civic intersection right by Glen Oaks, we decided to just drive around for a while. We had put in her CD of Disney songs she got from Zach, and we seriously drove around for like a half an hour just bursting out all of the Disney songs... alllll the good ones! the classics... from Mulan, Lion King, Aladdin, Little Mermaid, yesssss... haha we felt SO lame. I still feel lame for doing it. But it was totally awesome at the same time.. hahaha. I freakin' love her. Oh, and we found this sweet park out by jordan creek town center that we never knew was there, and decided it is gonna be our new hang-out spot! wooo, yeah.

Well I'm waking up earlyyyy tomorrow to meet Lindsey at Java Joe's to see her perform her poem for her creative writing class! I'm pumped, because just a year ago I was doing that same thing! yay. Oh and guess what?.....

I am officially employed at EXPRESS at jordan creek mall. They gave me the call tonight. I'm ecstatic. I get paid well to talk to people and look hot and fashionable, I get to try on all the clothes in the store whenever and help crazy mall folk get their style on. I know it's retail, and I've always thought that it would suck to do retail (i've done a little previously), but when this opportunity came up I had to take it and it just seemed like I would fit in. The people make the job in my opinion, and the people there were incredibly warm and fun to me and I could immediately see myself having a really fun time working with them all. I have orientation this Thursday, then I start Sunday. BAM! I'm not a freakin' bum anymore! and I like it.

so praise God for that one. Amen? Amen.
that's all. <3

one ring to rule them all

[free from one heartache, yet enslaved to another
i don't think it will ever end, really.]

it's just interesting how much you want something to stick around, but at the same time, you want it to go away. life is full of paradoxes like that.
---

I'm watching "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" right now.... it's at the part where Aragorn bids adieu to Frodo as Frodo realizes he can't trust anyone and must make his way to Mordor solo. Sooo good. I haven't watched LOTR in quite a while... but I can still quote almost every line of it. I know, I'm a big nerd.

I began reading a book today that was a gift from my lovely sister. It's called, "The Gospel According to Tolkien"... and it's freaking awesome so far. I've been a fan of Tolkien ever since I read the LOTR Trilogy, starting when I was in 8th grade. Then I obviously saw all of the movies multiple times (and by multiple... I mean... probably more than 50 times), and I also read The Hobbit, then The Silmarillion. Next I began reading "The Lost Books" by Tolkien, which consists of I think 6 books that he wrote all about Middle-Earth, and I'm still only on the first one. Anyway, I think Tolkien was a genius. I love his views on Christianity and learning about his friendship with C.S. Lewis (who I also love to read and read about). Anyway, this new book I started reading today is all about how Tolkien clearly centered LOTR around Christianity with all of its symbolism, yet purposefully wrote the story to be without religion and only indirectly points to Christian theology and ideas. It's fascinating. You should read it if you have an interest in Lord of the Rings and/or Tolkien (umm, how could you not...).
---

I hate knowing that I NEED to do something, yet not wanting to do that something at all.
I hate that the way I am makes it such a struggle for me to do certain things that I would consider most people perfectly capable of doing with no struggle at all.
---

I am going to change my major at ISU. I'm going to change it from Journalism & Mass Communication to a major in English with a concentration in Rhetorical Studies, and have a double minor in Psychology and Political Science. Complicated? Of course, it's me. What else would you expect? seriously.
---

Well my movie is over, so I'm going to bed now. Peace out.

stay beautiful baby, I hope you stay American baby

I'm feeling very opinionated right now. I don't know why. I've been reading lots of people's blogs lately, the world of blogging has gotten very big it seems. And of course, that makes me form my own opinions and think my own thoughts about things. I don't like arguing, so lots of times I don't take the opportunity when I'm with people to get into an argument if I disagree with them on something. I'll say what I think, but I usually don't want to take it any further and step on any toes. That's just kinda how I am. Haha, call me a hippie or whatever, but I am usually just like hey let's just get along, and hey can't we all just be friends and love each other and live in harmony... hahahaha seriously that's the most hippie thing I've ever said and I'm super embarrassed by that. But oh well! It's true.

I don't care what anyone else says, I will always love certain reality tv shows. I don't like them all.... heck, there are so many now it's impossible to even know what they are all about even. I think the Real World is freakin' hilarious and downright entertaining. Watching other people's drama makes me laugh. Of course it's ridiculous, of course it's totally edited to come off as a much bigger deal than things really are, but it's t.v.! it's supposed to be entertaining. So of course I'm going to turn on I Love New York and watch it.... it's highly amusing because it's so dang dramatized and ridiculous. Yes I love Laguna Beach and The Hills... I've pretty much spent all of my high school years plus one year of college watching those girls on tv, so it's kind of like growing up with them haha, which is super lame! But of course I'm going to keep watching those shows! if you want to watch something intelligent and meaningful, you know, things with purpose, watch the history channel or the discovery channel (two channels I also really like, in case you didn't know). But if reality tv, or most of mtv and vh1, bothers you...... I say don't get so annoyed, I say just whatever man... everybody has their way of escaping. Everybody has a way they stay sane, and relax, and just stop thinking about their own issues and problems going on..... reality tv is definitely a way I do those things.

I don't think YouTube is all it's cracked up to be. Sure, there are some incredibly hysterical videos out there, and SWEET sports cuts from some amazing games (like Detroit Pistons shooting from past the half-court line and making it right when the buzzer ended the tie-game and winning it... amazing), but I will never get over the fact that watching t.v. is something that should be done while sitting on a couch or futon or bed, and should be done watching an actual television set.... I just won't ever change my ways. It's just not going to happen.

If someone is going to complain about a church making a "performance" out of a worship service because of it's production style, music style, lights, etc.... then fine, complain all you want. But you know what I think? I think the people who make that "performance" possible spend a lot of their time and energy to make our worship experience as awesome as it can be. I honestly don't think the people singing on stage and playing the instruments are up there because they don't love Jesus and don't want to have a meaningful worship experience for our Father. I mean, unless you know the person... you don't have an absolute way of knowing, but I'm PRETTY sure we can all come to the conclusion that people who lead other people in worship are also worshipping in their leading... so maybe the way they do it comes off too production-ish and too stage-like, but, honestly who cares? As long as we're singing to our God and enjoying fellowship with one another.... I don't see why it's a big deal. I have definitely heard a lot of critiques about my church, Valley Church, saying that the service has become too much of a production and what not. But this is what I say to you who think that.... do we have a people leading us in worship that is centered on worshipping our Father in heaven? Do we have a pastor who tries to get all sorts of people with all sorts of learning styles (visual, verbal, etc) to be engaged in what he is teaching us about? With that, do we have a pastor who teaches from THE WORD and delivers a message on how you might possibly go about applying it to your own life? Then what is the problem? I think that's all that matters. I am a little biased maybe, because I am completely and 100% loyal to Valley Church, but bias or no bias- that church is a body of believers in our Lord and they all have a heart and a passion to lead us in worship and help us learn about the Bible so that we can grow in our relationship with Christ.

I think everyone should be required to work out at least once or twice a week. Everyone. Everyone in the whole wide world (who has work-out facilities available i suppose). I think it does wonders for the human body and for your health and general well-being. You always hear about how obesity is taking over America and what not, and all these diet videos and strategies and books...... I think there is nothing better than just going to a gym and working out. All body shapes and sizes should do this. I just think a regular, consistent work-out for your body is vital and crucial to well-being, and that of course affects your happiness and other things in your life. It makes you feel good. You don't have to be an athlete to work out. You don't have to be super skinny to work out. You don't have to be incredibly obese to work out. Everyone can do it, everyone can spend a little time every week just being good to their body. I definitely stand by that.

ok that's enough of sharing my opinions. Gilmore Girls is on! :)
<3