it's true I failed, but Your love covers me.

I write with love
and I write for free
this way is death
please come with me
my words are true
and my eyes are soft
this is your chance
come with and see

thy worth is great
thy heart is pure
my arms stay open
so please be sure
I wait for you always
and offer you my love
but the only love you know
left you pain to endure

this world is death
this world is black
you choose your way
and never turn back

your heart is empty
your soul is dark
you see the light
and ignore the spark.
----------------------------

A mother that loves her own
but she cannot plainly see
the death in her mouth
rotting root and tree

of sky and earth
so spreads the dark
it leaks from her face
always finding its mark

oh mother, oh mother
your love is like no other
it slaps the face of who you love
it takes and takes and takes and takes

oh mother, sweet woman
do you know what you do
your arm a fine lover
your hand waiting to smother

oh mother, my mother
it was me you were loving
it was me you were loving.

------------------------------

You are the best one, of the best ones. We all look like we feel."

he sees himself so righteously
a diamond in an emerald sea
but while he's playing power chords
true love will pass him by.

he knows exactly what he wants
his charm deceives and taunts
but while he whispers in your ear
true love will pass him by.

he has the gifts and talents
but uses them for accomplishments
while he twists and manipulates
true love will pass him by.

he weakens for the pretty girls
and plays with their fancy curls
while darkness pulls his desire
true love will pass him by.

he takes everything that they had
enjoying them just like a fad
while he feeds upon her innocence
true love will pass him by.

he knows just what you want to hear
he knows how you want him to appear
and while he lies and smiles
true love will pass him by.

how many times do you have to slam
straight into a brick wall
over and over and over again
before you make a change.....

"...could you show me dear, something i've not seen, something infinitely interesting?"

"A Boy, Part I"

sometimes i cry so hard for you
and as the tears fall, i'm angry
angry that you aren't here to catch them
confused that i still want you here now

i shouldn't wish for you to wipe away the pain
shouldn't wait for these things to change
but here i lie in bed...
here the endless cycle begins

now that it's been a while
i'm writing letters to you again
letters that will never reach you
no, never will i reach you

now that it is certainly over
i wonder how it all happened
how did i push you so far away
while you were holding me so close?

sometimes it hurts me still
how hard i fell for you...
when in the end it was nothing
in the end it was less than nothing.

----

"A Boy, Part II"

do you see the trail you've left behind
what a legacy, oh what a life
strong debut for the opening show
bright lights, fireworks, you had it all

i'm afraid the impression you made is lasting
pressing down upon me for all this time
like a drug you remained deep within my blood
long after the beautiful trip had even begun

your premiere was undoubtedly impressive
yet lost its luster in the brewing storm
like the caffeine pulsating in my vessels now
you gave it your all just to let it all crash down

do you see the way you left me behind
what an epic fall, oh what a twist
thunderous applause and i'm at the door
glancing up at the man i thought you were

as you bow for the final curtain call
you look towards the audience with a smile
but i'm already gone, i figured it out
i know i'm better off without you after all.
----

the end for now.

W.I.P. = work in progress.

gnawing at the heart on which you tread
a silent killer chains me to my bed
rigorously clawing until blood be shed
i'd rather sleep on than recall what you said

if malice were gentler and lesser in weight
it would still my blood the same at any rate
though death be not the most troubling fate
the pain in love is an overwhelming trait

words that drown out every breath i take
haunting me in my sleep and when i wake
i swallowed them numbly oh what a mistake
now they control me and deepen my heart's break.

... that's all. blah.

The crash.

"What you took"

my emotions
every day that goes by
that i don't see you
because you need space
every day that goes by
that you never call
you do nothing at all
to just see how I am

my utmost strength
every time i'm around you

my hope and my trust
you've thrown them to the wind
every time you were rude
and i held my tongue
every time you were unkind
and i turned the other cheek
every night i've prayed for you
asking God to bless your life

that is what you've taken.

10 Things I Hate About You

you know the movie 10 Things I Hate About You? classic, right. The poem Kat reads at the end to Heath Ledger's character is amazing and I re-wrote it in... my words. enjoy:


I hate the way you control my emotions
and I hate that you don't stare.
I hate the way you look right through me
as if you don't even care.
I hate the dumb noises you make
and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it hurts;
it even makes me rhyme.
I hate it, I hate the way you always have to be right.
I hate it when you tell me only half the truth.
I hate how loud you make me laugh,
even worse how loud you make me cry.
I hate it when you're not around,
and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close,
not even a little bit,
not even at all.

"it seems like I'm getting closer somehow..."

Walking, waiting
look up
stop--
awkward
pause...
flash a smile
blinking, caution
heavy breathing
heart beating
faster
do I risk it
do I dare
anticipating, dread
glance up
eyes meet
lock on target
heart drops
emotionless stare
...not like I care
hands shaking
hesitation
words flow
wish I could go
dart
dash away
my heart at my feet
tears spill to the street
stop
look back
frown
walking, wilting.
------------------

rough draft

so hard to concentrate
hard to keep holding on
if I could focus for just one moment
maybe I'd stop noticing that you're gone

so hard to catch my breath
hard to keep moving forward
if I could throw aside these thoughts of you
maybe I'd stop hearing the same sad chord

so hard to carry this weight
hard to live with a tired soul
if I could glue the pieces back together
maybe I'd stop longing to be whole

so hard to celebrate
hard to live with these scars
if I could feel your loving embrace
maybe I'd stop wishing on shooting stars

so hard to count the days
hard to be without you
if I could erase all of these if's
I'd start living a life renewed.

"for all that we knew, you were safe home"

why did he scribe his name on my heart
when he looks at me i see crystal stars
he pulls me in and i'm twirling in the clouds
weightless i'm spinning tirelessly in his arms

why did he scribe his name on my heart
he looks my way and i freeze to stop the tears
he sits across the table and i'm in another world
pained i try not to forget to keep breathing

why did he scribe his name on my heart
his eyes are dancing erupting with life
he moves with the music conducting his soul
why won't he reach out and take my hand

why did he scribe his name on my heart
my eyes scream to behold his angelic face
i find it hard to move when he walks in the room
no matter how much he tries to stay away
my heart is scribed with his precious name
and it does not want anyone but him.

of the rise and fall, i could sing songs capturing it all

i'm sending you a love letter
i hope it gets to you safely
within it are words so lovely
you will be blinded by them
they will shine through the pain
they will burst through your shell
like stars they will burn
with brilliance and magnificence
my love for you is so great
it will be like nothing you've seen before
all the stars of the galaxy
could crash down into the sea
and the only thing remaining
would be the love that you will see
when you open up my letter
you won't need anything else
your eyes will only gaze at one thing
and that one thing is me
i understand you may not see it now
i know every weight holding you down
i've been carrying you this whole time
but only when you let me does it lift you up
i've seen every demon that has torn you apart
i've been keeping you together
and i know you haven't noticed yet
but that's why i'm sending you my letter
you won't know what to look for
when you search through your mail
but i know just how to get through to you
and you'll be surprised to find
that my love letter has always been there
it has been surrounding you forever
their hands are my hands
their hearts are my hearts
i know you may not understand just yet
and that's ok, my dear one
but this letter is so urgent
you must realize it's already been sent
you haven't been listening to me, child
your heart and mind have grown wild
but i'm sending you this love letter
over and over and over again
until you finally decide to open it
until you finally decide to read it
i'm giving you all my love, daughter
for you are mine and you are loved.

"...is it a bit much to ask for the snow to come down and cover my tracks?"

hey fun girl, where did you go
did you get swept away
even though you swore
the wind would never take you
hey beautiful girl, where did you go
your heart made you so pretty
not just your temporal smile
but neither one can be found
hey joyful girl, where did you go
why are you hiding your best aspect
did you get swallowed up by your pain
until there was nothing left
hey strong girl, where did you go
your strength has wained before
but never as absent as it is now
just open your eyes and you will see
hey fearless girl, where did you go
i thought i saw you the other day
but it was just my eyes playing a trick
i'm still looking for you

you're still there, i know you are
every part of you
waiting to be put back together
what are you waiting for, amazing girl?

"take these broken wings and learn to fly"

It's been a different kind of Thanksgiving Break for me this fall. Although the circumstances around me have changed, being thankful stays the same. I'm still extremely thankful for the life I have and the people in it. I'm so thankful for my God looking out for me and never leaving me alone during a time of great need and also during times of no particular need at all. I'm so grateful for His love, always flowing down to me, always being revealed to me in the people who care about me.

I can't lie- this has been a really hard day. It's been very depressing. I have to try with every fiber in my body to not let it get me down. I feel trapped in this house, suffocating from the tension and the restraint and the suppressed emotions that just want to burst out of me. I look outside and watch the snow blow around and settle down into the thick blanket of white freezing the ground and killing the plants underneath it. And it makes me think of the reality going on around me right now. Family hasn't been my definition of family for 5 or 6 years, but this time the meaning of family really isn't from my own "nuclear family" at all. If my "nuclear family unit" or whatever you like to call it, were the only sense of family I knew, I certainly wouldn't be the warm, friendly, loving person that I am right now. The portrait of the family has changed over time for me. Family in the sense that I know and love, comes from my "family" of friends that I am so blessed to have. The people that cook fettucini alfredo or macaroni n cheese and sit around watching The Office and drinking tea, that's my family. The people that I laugh with after a good "That's what she said" joke. The people that make me warm and happy on the inside, the ones that, no matter what I may be going through, can make me smile and feel good. THAT'S my family. The ones that I know are praying for me, are thinking about me, are caring about me by just one look into their eyes or one hug into their open arms. I love my family.

You know you have it good when you can sit and literally DO nothing, but feel in your heart a happiness and a joy just to be in the presence of people who reciprocate love and friendship. I have it better than most, I'd say.

It's hard to have this sudden (it may not seem sudden, but it feels that way to me) void in my heart, where I'm just very AWARE that I don't have a real family to go home to... not the kind of family that all my other friends talk about when they are getting ready to leave college for break to go back home to and celebrate a holiday with. But that's what it is, it's a void. It's this empty, blank spot in my heart. But it gets filled up in various ways.... like, Tuesday night when I drove out to Nick's dad's house and watched random tv shows with Nick and his dad, and then when his sisters and stepmom got home they were all there too. It felt like a family. Just sitting there on the couch, watching The Office and Dancing With The Stars, sipping hot cocoa and listening to Barb try to help Nick's little sister Megan with her school project. THe fire place was on. It was warm. It made me happy to see a real family and be around it for a while. That fills my void for the time being. Last night when Nick, Sam, Michelle, Scott, Caleb and I went to Immersion... that did it too. Looking down the row we filled, I felt like I was with my family. Then afterwards, we all went back to Scott's and went on an adventure to make the perfect dinner by getting a bunch of food at Wal-mart... we made fettucini alfredo with chicken, and had apple pie and pumpkin pie with ice cream for desert. Nick and Scott played the piano and me and Michelle sang and hummed, Scott and I "broke into" the Laugerman's house (don't worry James... Stevie gave me permission) to get all of Scott's food that he left over there, and everyone laughed when they found out the cd that is stuck in my now BROKEN cd player is The Freedom Project and it's the only music I can listen to while in my car except for crappy radio stations.

I guess The Beatles got it right when they wrote, "oh I get by with a little help from my friends."
-------------------------------------------

It's uncomfortable here
frozen hearts grow mute
the lights are on but we can't see
the music plays but it's just a dream
cause nothing really works the way it should
when everything that's real is broken.

unity

I could lay with you forever
just to never live a moment
without you by my side

I could sing with all my lungs
if only you would sing with me
and our voices become one

I could fall asleep in your arms
as long as you want me to
please say you want me to

may we remain side by side
may our voices unify
may we sleep until the world ends

as long as I'm with you.

And then everything changed

Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and HEALS ALL YOUR DISEASES***,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

***thank you Erin, my amazing sister, for this Psalm, and for hope.

"you still my heart, and you take my breath away..."

she watches him walk away
it's the end of the day
there's nothing left to say
she's caught up in the fray

she watches him turn the corner
the threads tangle up before her
and begin to unravel just as another
forms over, and over, and over

she watches him leave her side
and she's swept away by the tide
pulled under and left to die
she's drowning under a pale sky

she watches him go
she's screaming no
oh, it hurts her so
Father, help her grow.

--------------
and yes, my sister and I got piercings today. my cartilage is pierced. it looks great. it made me feel dangerous and good, and brave... very brave. like I can do anything. look at me, i'm miss brave, i'm miss i can do anything..... yeah. i guess it worked for a little bit. I don't feel very brave at the moment. but I'm going to try to be brave tomorrow. and the day after that. and the day after that...

goodnight.

love.

the greatest of these is love
the most painful of these is love
dost love not trap us all
dost love not hold us captive
love's seasons change faster than autumn's leaves
love's strings strain harder than tendons to bones
love hath power to destroy us in one breath
love hath mystery to entice us in one kiss
dost love not keep us apart
dost love not push further away
thy flame burns out and will fade
thou art a spark waiting to evade
thy garden dries up and dies
thou art a weed twisting in lies
I bid thee love to be fairest of them all
I admit thee love to be scariest of them all
thou art far easiest to enthrall
thou art thy lover's worst fall.

disconnected

it hurts to see you standing there
holding on to someone other than me
i thought we were together
the closest, until the end
it hurts to feel your words
cut up my face, my hands
when all i've done is reach out
when i've done all i can
it hurts to look at you now
so unreceptive, so cold
i know you've got a lot going on
but so do i, so do i.

i've been where you are
i've done what you're doing
what will break this barrier
that's keeping you from me

it hurts to stand here without you
will you please come back
can we get through this
can we make it out alive

remember what friendship is
remember what love means
remember we both fall sometimes
remember that together we are the best

it hurts to feel shut out
i yearn for reconciliation
can you put aside the errors
and find love in this, for us?

remember.
-----------------------------------

I know some may say I'm being too hard on myself, but this is how I feel right now. I am the biggest disappointment. I cause strife and pain for the people I love the most. I constantly fail to meet your expectations. I fail to be the friend I should be. I make stupid mistakes that add up and look like one big ink blot that has bled over every centimeter of white on the page. I say too much, I don't say enough, I can't make enough time for you, but I make too much time for someone else. I do one thing right, but you have a problem with my happiness because it changed things and now we have to deal with the change. Things get difficult, and it ends up being Emily's fault and Emily's issue and Emily's mission to fix and overcome. The blame falls on me. You've disconnected yourself from me, but apparently it's my job to bridge the gap you've failed to make. It's all my fault things are falling apart. It always is. That's how I feel. Now it's time to write about my "voice" in an English paper and read my Drug Education book before falling asleep, if I can even do so with such a heavy heart. the end.

2 old poems

I wrote this in early 2006, and it became the inspiration for one of my favorite paintings from my AP Studio Art collection my senior year of high school. Lately I've been trying to take my inspiration and this whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, and put them into poetry.. but I've been having trouble getting a good rhythm, so I've been looking back at old poetry to maybe stir up something.

I'm the queen of fixing grammar errors
but I cannot speak these words
I listen with my heart
but cannot submit to the truth
I'm amazing at smiling through pain
but cannot laugh away your face
I'm great at writing out my feelings
but cannot feel great after I write them
I'm so strong when I'm around you
but cannot hide my weakness when I am not
I'm good at crying out to my Father
but cannot hear what He says back
I'm able to withstand the hard times
but cannot see light at the end of this
I'm joyful whenever you see me
but cannot be happy in my isolation
I'm alright with admitting that I've fallen
but cannot figure out how to rise up
I'm ok with change and adapting
but cannot accept that I'm losing you
I'm the biggest optimist you've ever known
but cannot convince myself you'll ever hug me again
I'm a vigorous fighter in most cases
but cannot fight off the inevitable
I'm skilled in bouncing back
but cannot go anywhere but down
I'm a lover, I'm a dreamer, I'm an artist
but I cannot find the love in this pain
I cannot dream away this nightmare
I cannot paint this hole in my heart.
-----

And this is a poem I wrote actually a little over 2 years ago, in April of 2005.... it inspired my absolute FAVORITE painting, because it made me feel so much as I wrote it, and every time I read over it again... it was easy to represent the tone in beautiful colors. There is nothing I love more than using color to demonstrate how I feel.

All the voices fade away
the colors around me turn to gray
background noises gradually drop out
no more whispers, no murmurs of doubt
Alone I lay, broken on the floor
ever-hopeful heart like an open door
lingering scent upon my soul, I pray:
please stay, oh I pray that you stay
With time on my side I am so high
above mountains of worry and rivers run dry
high I sigh while I glide along a cloud
breaking the silence I SCREAM OUT LOUD
ALIVE I scream and ALIVE I bleed
escape the cage and be free, resist the feed
take heed: the others oppose your heart
their words will wound like a poison dart
Tonight my light guides me down my path
I know not when I will next face your wrath
but somehow dark edges remain on the outside
all I see: a sunset offshore of the restless tide
With water rising ever-presently all around me
fears of drowning swim into view constantly
like millions of grains of sand in my hand
these thoughts will slip through the cracks; I will stand!
-tall! amongst the angry and ignorant crowd
with voices that pierce, I still remain proud
if fight you I must, then FIGHT YOU I WILL
I will protect my heart, MY LOVE YOU CANNOT KILL.
---
<3 the end.

a bad way to start the morning off.

and she takes it all in
one breath, one heart
in that moment
she feels stripped
all at once
and it makes her sick
as she feels everything
rushing through her veins
draining her of hope
of all goodness
how can it all be felt at once
without breaking down?
she's sickened at the thought
as she relives every second
that left her empty
as she feels
the abandonment, the rejection
the shock of not mattering
the disbelief of not being enough
the lack of kindness...
after everything she's been through!
the betrayal of a friend
the bitterness, the disloyalty
the anger swelling up inside
the pain of her past
the pain of her present
and the pain that will
remain forever.

no one deserves to be treated like that
when treatment is your job
and you do nothing
you refuse care
to the ones who need care the most
to the ones who cry out for help
no one deserves that.
----------------------------------------------

Today, life slapped me in the face. Today, my distrust of the medical professionals who claim to want to help, was confirmed and enhanced. I have always been cautious around doctors, skeptical... and now right when I think I'm actually beginning to trust, I get thrown out like I'm just some joe-schmo who doesn't matter, because I'm just another patient, I'm just another number... my life, health and well-being doesn't REALLY matter after all, I can be handed off from doctor to doctor, never getting the right treatment, always having to start over and explain the same painful story over and over and OVER again to some doctor who looks me in the eye and pretends to be all concerned and trying to help, when really, they're just going to end up like all the others who have abandoned me and given up on me. Don't you dare refuse to see me, after everything I've been through, don't you begin to "phase-out" seeing your patients without telling my family what the hell is going on, while I go weeks of feeling pain that doubles me over and leaves me depressed and exhausted.......

I feel so unimportant, and worthless. The sick shouldn't be treated like that, the sick should be encouraged and loved and feel like they're worth any kind of treatment or care that will help them have a better life, like they're valuable.

It isn't fair, it isn't right.
the end.

a poem and a prayer...

pull and pull until she breaks in half
push and push until she falls to her knees
love and love until she loves you back

summer skies reveal summer secrets
purple sunsets uncover golden sunrises
love and love until she loves you back

painful resistance transforms her heart
fearful insistence consumes her soul
love and love until she loves you back

love never felt so unlovely before.
---------------------------------------


Father, my God, You are the Magnificent Creator
You provide no matter what
You love unconditionally
You sacrificed yourself to save us
You are beautiful and amazing
can we ever fathom Your ways?
Your Holy Spirit flows everywhere
filling every empty space in our hearts
You know us completely
because You made us
You always understand
our pain is Your pain
You hold us in Your arms
like a little child in the arms of their Father
You are just and righteous
You are perfect
I love you with all of my heart. <3
---