So I recently had an experience with some people, in particular some people of the female species. And as most people know, I shy away from hanging out with girls unless they are my very good friends or are truly great people that do not belong in the general stereotype of the female population. We all know girls like this. They are almost everywhere. You just can't seem to get away from them. I do not think of myself to be better than these girls in any way, shape, or form. However, I have very strong beliefs when it comes to how I act and how I represent my gender when I act a certain way. This being said, I just want it to be clear that I am not saying I am better than anybody, but I am saying I do not think of myself as the stereotypical girl of Generation Y. And that is very important to me.
A lot of these girls actually think of themselves the same way I think of myself. Not like "them." But I assure you, they are sadly mistaken. It is a sad thing that we even have this stereotype about being a young female that has presented itself as something girls must fight against for much of their young lives. But the reality of things is that it exists. So deal with it. You can only pretend so long.
I have been thinking a lot about this over the weekend, because of what happened a couple nights ago when I was out and about. I remember retelling the story of events that night to my lovely roommate just the other day, and she was listening to my every word as if she were watching a suspenseful movie just about to reach its climax and change the world we know forever. Dripping with drama.
I arrive at my really good guy friend's place. I found him and we hugged and said salutations, the usual. Then he told me to go set up for a game we were going to play and he'd be there in a minute to join me. So I'm waiting. Then I look over and I see this random girl walk up to him and start doing what can only be described as a desperate attempt to get a guy's attention and somehow fulfill her slutty quota for the night. Ew. The only thing is, he's not stopping it. Cool. A girl that I only assume is a friend of said desperate girl comes over to me and asks me, "hey are you and that guy together?" I look at her. I make up my mind very quickly to not be THAT GIRL that thinks she possesses something that she really doesnt. I say, "no we are not together. I don't want her dancing with him though." I felt it was a good representation of my complicated thoughts at the moment. She walks away. My guy friend finally snaps out of it and walks over to join me at our game. We're getting things ready, when all the sudden said desperate dancing girl pushes me out of the way and stands inbetween me and my guy friend so that we can't stand next to each other. I kindly say, "excuse me, this is my friend, we're playing right now." She turns to me and shoves me further away and goes, "He's MY partner. GO AWAY." She literally shoved me. I want to explode, but I try to kindly tell her to move away so we can play our game and she can play next, and she grabs my guy friend and nuzzles close to him as she forcefully tells me that she is playing with him, not me. My guy friend says and does nothing.
This does not make me feel good. I hold back tears, and walk into my friend's room and shut the door so I can be alone because I feel like I'm about to cry. A second later, all the sudden the door is flung open and in walks in another girl. She stands very close to me and yells, "HEY, what's the problem?!" I tell her very calmly, "there's no problem, a girl was not being very nice to me and shoved me and it was very rude." The girl then explains to me that that's her best friend and somehow felt the need to assure me several times that she's "NOT A SLUT" and that I need to keep my mouth shut(uhh?). This is perplexing, stupid, and annoying to me. I tell her calmly, "That's fine. But your friend shoved me out of the way and it was just really uncalled for and unnecessary." Apparently that just set her off. Apparently she doesn't respond well to calm, chill, laid-back, nice girls. Because, next thing I know, this girl GRABS my chin and pulls me close to her face (what?!), yells some garbage at me about being a b*tch, then PULLS MY PONYTAIL HAIRBAND OUT OF MY HAIR and THROWS IT ON THE GROUND. I look at her and I'm like, "excuse me?! get away from me!" and I walk out of the room and back to where everyone else is. I pull my guy friend aside and try to explain to him what just happened, and I'm holding back tears again, and he is completely belligerent and just looks at me and goes, "Emily. You need to leave. Just leave." I grab my purse and I am out of that place faster than you can say "Unbelievable."
The worst part is when I am walking out of the door, I turn back as it opens again and the mean girl who pulled my hair out is standing at the door, waving at me, and says, "Bye!!!"
I wrote about this because this is something I have never experienced before. I have never felt what I felt on this night after having these random, slutty, disrespectful, gross, b*tchy girls attack me when I did absolutely nothing to provoke them, nothing wrong, and pretty much nothing at all but come over to MY friends of 2 and a half years and hang out.
So I stand strong on what I put as the title of this blog: There are some people I never want to be like. And those girls are those people. Unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
crown me nothing.
What constitutes a validated meltdown exactly?
where is my God and Savior in these dark times?
I choose not to respond to the prodding questions and condescending remarks.
this year, I have a backbone.
when did marriage become a fad?
every day I live, I gain a deeper understanding of the expensive world we live in, and every day I hate it even more than the day before.
What makes money the god of this underworld and how do we stop it?
who decided money is enough to destroy lives of beautiful people?
I say, hell no.
No, I do not want to leave my home here and go where you are and where you now are calling "home", because it is not MY home and it never will be. It will always be the place you now stay, just a place, nothing more nothing less. Never home.
bye.
where is my God and Savior in these dark times?
I choose not to respond to the prodding questions and condescending remarks.
this year, I have a backbone.
when did marriage become a fad?
every day I live, I gain a deeper understanding of the expensive world we live in, and every day I hate it even more than the day before.
What makes money the god of this underworld and how do we stop it?
who decided money is enough to destroy lives of beautiful people?
I say, hell no.
No, I do not want to leave my home here and go where you are and where you now are calling "home", because it is not MY home and it never will be. It will always be the place you now stay, just a place, nothing more nothing less. Never home.
bye.
Monday, September 15, 2008
"you caught me off guard, now i'm running and screaming."
this is the point where I have to re-group, evaluate, and re-strategize... using all the tools I became equipped with over this past summer. Life is moving very fast, and has been for a while now. The constant high speed has been manageable, but I'm running out of gas. So now I need to fill back up, before I get to empty and hit rock bottom again. I never want to hit rock bottom again! That's why I have preventative measures up my sleeves that I will now pull out and use.
I will never get used to taking all of my medicines and pills. Especially my kidney stone disease medicine. I absolutely hate having to take 6 pills every single day, knowing that if I don't, it could cost me a lot of pain and a lot of problems I definitely don't need on my already full plate right now. And it's worse, because I faithfully take my medicine, but I still already have been passing several stones over the past couple weeks. Last night was the worst... I thought I was going to have to go to the ER, but I just toughed it out for 3 hours total of constant pain. It forced me to take my prescribed pain medication, which I hate doing because it knocks me out so I am like a vegetable pretty much and can't do a thing. But I really couldn't take any more pain... it was just draining me and draining me. The pain med knocked me out so much I did have to miss my early morning class, but I tried with all my might to get out of bed and move on with my day and go to my other 3 classes. It was so hard walking to class, when I just wanted to fall over and sleep for like an entire DAY, but I reached deep inside myself and pulled out the strength that God fills me up with when I am so weak and frail. He is my everything. I couldn't get through these days without Him and without the strength he lets flow through my fragile human body.
I'm just starting to feel really weary from moving at such a fast pace for a while now.... I want things to slow down, but I can't change what happens around me. All I can do is change how I react to them and how I manage it all.
So that's exactly what I'm going to do. And no one can bring me down. I'm doing my best and I'm doing all I can to stay on top of things, and that's all I can ask of myself and all anyone else can ask of me. I'm not worried about what other people think and what other people say about me-- that's their problem. I can only control my own behavior and speech. Otherwise, you end up being controlled by everyone and everything around you.... and that is not a good thing- trust me I know this.
that's the update as of right now. Rock on.
I will never get used to taking all of my medicines and pills. Especially my kidney stone disease medicine. I absolutely hate having to take 6 pills every single day, knowing that if I don't, it could cost me a lot of pain and a lot of problems I definitely don't need on my already full plate right now. And it's worse, because I faithfully take my medicine, but I still already have been passing several stones over the past couple weeks. Last night was the worst... I thought I was going to have to go to the ER, but I just toughed it out for 3 hours total of constant pain. It forced me to take my prescribed pain medication, which I hate doing because it knocks me out so I am like a vegetable pretty much and can't do a thing. But I really couldn't take any more pain... it was just draining me and draining me. The pain med knocked me out so much I did have to miss my early morning class, but I tried with all my might to get out of bed and move on with my day and go to my other 3 classes. It was so hard walking to class, when I just wanted to fall over and sleep for like an entire DAY, but I reached deep inside myself and pulled out the strength that God fills me up with when I am so weak and frail. He is my everything. I couldn't get through these days without Him and without the strength he lets flow through my fragile human body.
I'm just starting to feel really weary from moving at such a fast pace for a while now.... I want things to slow down, but I can't change what happens around me. All I can do is change how I react to them and how I manage it all.
So that's exactly what I'm going to do. And no one can bring me down. I'm doing my best and I'm doing all I can to stay on top of things, and that's all I can ask of myself and all anyone else can ask of me. I'm not worried about what other people think and what other people say about me-- that's their problem. I can only control my own behavior and speech. Otherwise, you end up being controlled by everyone and everything around you.... and that is not a good thing- trust me I know this.
that's the update as of right now. Rock on.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
"You are the strength that keeps me walking."
things going on in my life are still just as hard and just as bad. but you know what? my life is great right now. it's great because i'm learning that the stuff that happens to us is not what defines how we live our lives. it's how we manage the bad stuff. you can have tons of crappy circumstances and situations hitting you hard all at once for year and year after year until the day you die, but the second you begin to know how to manage it, even though the situations and problems themselves do not go away or change, suddenly life is so much better!
divorced parents? check
losing the house i grew up in? check
therapy? check
depression? check
addictive tendencies? check
chronic kidney stone disease? check
broken relationships? check
best friend moving away? checkkk
co-dependency issues? check
it's all there, it's all going to be there, it all sucks and it's painful, it lasts a long time, it all happens at once, it's crushing! but the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. He has given me so much strength! I feel so, so strong. I feel strong and confident as I move back to Ames and begin a tough semester of school and work and all the stress that comes with it.
:) and most of all, I am happy.
divorced parents? check
losing the house i grew up in? check
therapy? check
depression? check
addictive tendencies? check
chronic kidney stone disease? check
broken relationships? check
best friend moving away? checkkk
co-dependency issues? check
it's all there, it's all going to be there, it all sucks and it's painful, it lasts a long time, it all happens at once, it's crushing! but the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. He has given me so much strength! I feel so, so strong. I feel strong and confident as I move back to Ames and begin a tough semester of school and work and all the stress that comes with it.
:) and most of all, I am happy.
Saturday, August 09, 2008
to live is to learn.
"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."
Sometimes the best thing to do about something is to do nothing.
"You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains."
Sometimes people will just never understand what you're going through. After all, we are a flawed human race, and if we understood EVERYTHING then we'd by just like God.
"There are certain people you just keep coming back to."
It's ok to keep caring for someone, but removing them from your life at the same time.
"I would've stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life."
We can't save the people around us. We can only influence. The rest is God's job.
Some people get to a point where they literally cannot go on caring and watching someone they love go through painful things. I think these people are people that have not experienced extremely painful things themselves. That's why there are other people to lean on that do know what it's like.
"and when it rains on this side of town, it touches everything."
some people go through storms all their lives. some people will only feel a light sprinkle their whole lives.
--just things i've found to be true.
Sometimes the best thing to do about something is to do nothing.
"You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains."
Sometimes people will just never understand what you're going through. After all, we are a flawed human race, and if we understood EVERYTHING then we'd by just like God.
"There are certain people you just keep coming back to."
It's ok to keep caring for someone, but removing them from your life at the same time.
"I would've stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life."
We can't save the people around us. We can only influence. The rest is God's job.
Some people get to a point where they literally cannot go on caring and watching someone they love go through painful things. I think these people are people that have not experienced extremely painful things themselves. That's why there are other people to lean on that do know what it's like.
"and when it rains on this side of town, it touches everything."
some people go through storms all their lives. some people will only feel a light sprinkle their whole lives.
--just things i've found to be true.
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Let Go.
lately i've found myself thinking, "why are they doing that!? why are they acting like that?!!!" and being really perplexed trying to understand why one of my friends is doing this and why another is doing that. it's frustrating when you really can't understand no matter how hard you try. i guess i try to do it because i want to be able to relate and learn more about relationships. but i must say, i think it's weird how much thought goes to wondering about other people...wondering about things i see... wondering about what goes on between people around me. it's weird because i just flipped my perspective around and realized that people do the same thing to me. they look at me acting a certain way and just go, "what??????" and don't get why i do this or why i say that. and i would tell them, hey if you don't get it, that's ok. but don't stay up at night thinking about how frustrating MY life may be in your mind. you obviously don't think the same way i do in ALL issues of life. duh. even if we're really good friends, and we have a connection, and we've been through lots of stuff together, and have a great relationship.... that doesn't mean everything is always going to be understood between each other.
for the first time ever in all my 19 (almost 20!) years of existing, i've learned how to let go of someone. i've actually been able to let go. that's... HUGE, for me. I always let the people around me control the way i think and act and speak. like with my parents, usually i let them walk all over me because i really am respectful towards them with my attitude and i really want to honor God's commandment to honor my parents. but i've had a lot of practice lately in balancing a respect and honor for my parents, with being brave and standing up for myself, and being able to be an adult and an individual. that's just been a crazy roller-coaster ride. but, back to the letting go thing. actually, i've let go of 2 people. 2 really big people. one, an ex-boyfriend that cheated on me and honestly controlled everything i did and said and felt. man i needed to break those chains off SO BAD! and they're finally broken. the other, a good friend who is always critiquing me and advising me, but never takes a dose of his own medicine. these are very important steps in my process of getting back to a healthy state of mind and successful person. all of the credit goes to my Lord, my Father in heaven, my Savior, Jesus Christ.
the nature of sin, ever since the fall of Adam and Eve, has been our sinful desire to be independent from God and do things our own way. I really let that sink in the past few weeks. How do I try to be independent from God in my own life, right now? well, for the longest time, I've tried to let go of these painful relationships with my own strength, with my human mind, my own free will. and it's great to know i have the free will to choose whether to follow myself or follow the God who made me, but i choose to give it all up to God and let Him control my life- since He's the one who knows what's best for me and knows the plan for my life, why would I take the reigns and do it myself, when me taking the reigns ALWAYS ends up in turmoil. ALWAYS. God is trying to restore my life to what He designed it to be. Why do I try to get in the way all the time? He is the ALMIGHTY GOD! ugh! it's infuriating thinking of my own crazy logic sometimes..... how I think I am just SO smart and so capable of being the god of my own life. I carry the generational sin that came to be with Adam and Eve. I know it, and this is what I'm choosing to do about it. What about you?
I've had such an awesome last couple of weeks, deepening my relationship with God. Tim spent a lot of time talking with me about a lot of stuff, many times over the past weeks, and it charged me up inside. I believe God used Tim to help spur me on in my spiritual awakening. He is such an amazing guy. Anyway, it's been awesome! I've been given such clarity in things that were so cloudy and foggy to me before. I know spiritual peace like I've never known before. With all the craziness in my life, there is no way I could ever say that with confidence without some kind of insanely magical thing helping me- aka Jesus Christ and his Holy Spirit working inside of me. blahhhhh. i cant even begin to explain it. God is just da bomb.
it's finally August........ oh my gosh. 15 days til I move back to Ames. PLEASE PRAY I CAN LAST. i'm serious.
for the first time ever in all my 19 (almost 20!) years of existing, i've learned how to let go of someone. i've actually been able to let go. that's... HUGE, for me. I always let the people around me control the way i think and act and speak. like with my parents, usually i let them walk all over me because i really am respectful towards them with my attitude and i really want to honor God's commandment to honor my parents. but i've had a lot of practice lately in balancing a respect and honor for my parents, with being brave and standing up for myself, and being able to be an adult and an individual. that's just been a crazy roller-coaster ride. but, back to the letting go thing. actually, i've let go of 2 people. 2 really big people. one, an ex-boyfriend that cheated on me and honestly controlled everything i did and said and felt. man i needed to break those chains off SO BAD! and they're finally broken. the other, a good friend who is always critiquing me and advising me, but never takes a dose of his own medicine. these are very important steps in my process of getting back to a healthy state of mind and successful person. all of the credit goes to my Lord, my Father in heaven, my Savior, Jesus Christ.
the nature of sin, ever since the fall of Adam and Eve, has been our sinful desire to be independent from God and do things our own way. I really let that sink in the past few weeks. How do I try to be independent from God in my own life, right now? well, for the longest time, I've tried to let go of these painful relationships with my own strength, with my human mind, my own free will. and it's great to know i have the free will to choose whether to follow myself or follow the God who made me, but i choose to give it all up to God and let Him control my life- since He's the one who knows what's best for me and knows the plan for my life, why would I take the reigns and do it myself, when me taking the reigns ALWAYS ends up in turmoil. ALWAYS. God is trying to restore my life to what He designed it to be. Why do I try to get in the way all the time? He is the ALMIGHTY GOD! ugh! it's infuriating thinking of my own crazy logic sometimes..... how I think I am just SO smart and so capable of being the god of my own life. I carry the generational sin that came to be with Adam and Eve. I know it, and this is what I'm choosing to do about it. What about you?
I've had such an awesome last couple of weeks, deepening my relationship with God. Tim spent a lot of time talking with me about a lot of stuff, many times over the past weeks, and it charged me up inside. I believe God used Tim to help spur me on in my spiritual awakening. He is such an amazing guy. Anyway, it's been awesome! I've been given such clarity in things that were so cloudy and foggy to me before. I know spiritual peace like I've never known before. With all the craziness in my life, there is no way I could ever say that with confidence without some kind of insanely magical thing helping me- aka Jesus Christ and his Holy Spirit working inside of me. blahhhhh. i cant even begin to explain it. God is just da bomb.
it's finally August........ oh my gosh. 15 days til I move back to Ames. PLEASE PRAY I CAN LAST. i'm serious.
Friday, August 01, 2008
Part 1 of spiritual growth.
I've been reading this book that Tim recommended, and it's called "God's Big Picture," by Vaughan Roberts. Basically, it is amazing. I am learning so much and growing deeper in my relationship with God, as I seek to know Him more and know His Word better. I wake up every day thirsting to know more about my Creator. I have read about 80ish pages so far, and this is what I've gotten from it so far:
-The Old Testament
1. the pattern of the kingdom
2. the perished kingdom
3. the promised kingdom
4. the partial kingdom
5. the prophesied kingdom
-The New Testament
6. the present kingdom
7. the proclaimed kingdom
8. the perfect kingdom
-the kingdom of God= God's people in God's place under God's rule and blessing.
-The Bible...
contains 66 books written by about 40 humans authors over nearly 2,000 years
has 2 main sections... Old and New, written in 2 main language... Hebrew and Greek
includes mixture of types of literature
39 books in Old, written 3rd century B.C.
27 books in New, written 1st century A.D.
Gospels are four accounts of the birth, life, teaching, death and resurrection of Jesus.
Acts, written by Luke, records the spread of the good news of Jesus after his ascension into heaven.
The Epistles are letters written mainly by Christ's chosen apostles.
Paul wrote Romans to Philemon.
but New Testament also contains letters from Peter, John, James, and Jude.
No one knows who wrote to the Hebrews.
Revelation is John's vision described.
-Just as the Lord Jesus was both fully human and fully divine, so the Bible is both a human and a divine book.
-it is united by ONE author= GOD.
-ONE subject= Jesus Christ and the salvation God offers through him.
-God's plan
-Old Testament: Promise
-New Testament: Fulfillment
-the way you read a book depends on the kind of book you think it is.
-the Bible is ONE book.
does not contain isolated sayings
each verse needs to be understood in the context of the chapter in which it appears
God's kingdom is the binding theme of the whole Bible
God's covenant promises ARE kingdom promises (some people think they are separate)
-There has never been a time when God, the three in one, was not.
-the Bible never allows us to rank the spiritual above the physical. Matter matters because God made it; it is 'good'.
"Human beings are animals. They are sometimes monsters, sometimes magnifcent, but always animals."
-but... WE alone, of ALL God's creation, have been made IN HIS IMAGE.
-we are made BY God and made LIKE God.
-'Rest' is the goal of creation.
-God's law is not oppressive; it is for our good.
-Man is created first, then the woman as his helper. Man is the LEADER in the relationship, but his authority is not ABUSED and the woman doesn't RESIST it. They enjoy marital bliss. They have complete intimacy WITHOUT fear or guilt.
-part of the purpose of the Sabbath law was to remind the Israelites that that is ultimately what life was designed for, rather than the concerns of the present world.
-we can experience something of that rest even in this fallen world.
-Satan is powerful, but not equal to God.
God alone is eternal
Satan is therefore a created being, but then must have rebelled against God.
-it doesn't matter whether or not we understand where evil comes from, but it is important that we know if its existence.
-Adam and Eve's FALL:
their sin is that of law-making, not just law-breaking.
they were saying, "from now on, God, we want to be the law-makers in the world, setting the standards by which we live."
usurping His authority and establishing their independence from Him
this has been the nature of sin EVER SINCE.
relationships between men and women is forever broken... the perfect trust and intimacy have now gone.
God tells the woman of sexual desire and a longing to take control over her husband
she will no longer submit willingly to his lead and he will no longer exercise it in the loving, self-sacrificial way that was God's design
the old innocence is gone... and by nature when he calls us back into fellowship with him, we always run away.
God's warning was not a mere THREAT. he carried out their spiritual death just like he said would happen to them.
once the vertical relationship with God has been broken, it is inevitable that horizontal relationships with one another will be broken as well.
so it is not a surprise that the first murder happens shortly after the fall
-Cain kills his brother Abel
-so the Lord created the great flood
it was a reversal of creation, a return to chaos
-then the Tower of Babel was built
it was a symbol of our sinful desire to exalt ourselves and be independent of God
-so God scatters people throughout earth and gives them different languages-- DIVISION among people, not just between us and God.
-God's motivation for rescuing the world was not, first and foremost, to make us happy -- although that is certainly one final result.
-rather, He is seeking to restore thing to the way they should be.
-God is in the center of the world that he has made
-but since the Fall, humans have refused to accept his right to be there and have tried to depose him.
-the results have been catastrophic
-when the King is in the middle, everything else falls into place.
SIN ---------> JUDGMENT-------------> GRACE.
-After killing Abel, Cain is driven into exile. But God does not completely abandon him. He places a protective mark on Cain and promises that anyone who kills him will himself be judged.
-Covenant= a binding agreement
-'testament' is another word for covenant
-a solemn committment
-appears 285 times in Old testament, 33 times in New.
Noah Covenant. sign= a rainbow
Abrahamic covenant. sign= circumcision
Mosaic covenant. sign= the Sabbath
New covenant. sign= baptism
-The promises Abraham received: people, land, and blessing.
people: "I will be your God, and you will be my people."
land: the promised land, Canaan.
blessing: through Abraham's descendants, "all people on earth will be blessed."
-the curse of the fall would be replaced by the blessing of salvation
-Abram ('exalted father') changed to Abraham ('father of a multitude').
-the history of Israel from Abraham until the high point of the monarchy under Solomon
-period of over 1,000 years
Genesis 12-Exodus 18
the 'people' promise
Exodus 19-end of Leviticus
the 'rule and blessing' promise
Numbers-Joshua
the 'land' promise
Judges-2 Chronicles
the 'King' promise
the patriarchs: Abraham and Sarah, then Isaac and Rebekah, sons are Esau and Jacob. Jacob has 12 sons, one being Joseph.
Ephesians 2:8-9
"it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast."
'Isaac'= "he laughs"
-God tells Abraham to sacrifice Isaac
-Abraham, full of grief, but obeys and has faith.
-God provides him with a ram at last minute to sacrifice instead of Isaac.
*Trust in the gospel promises EVEN WHEN we cannot understand what God is doing in our lives.
-Jacob tricks father Isaac into giving HIM his blessing instead of older son Esau
-God does not choose people on merit.
-Jacob has 12 sons
Joseph is his favorite, and all other brothers are jealous
brothers sell Joseph as a slave and tell Jacob that he is dead
Joseph ends up in Egypt and in prison for something he did not do
-Is God really in control????????? YES!
Joseph interprets the Pharoah's dreams and he is released and made Prime Minister of Egypt
Canaan is threatened by famine and so Joseph's brothers go to Egypt for help... and run into Joseph!
Joseph helps them, and it results in the preservation of God's people
***God always overrules to ensure that his gospel promises are protected.
-we may not always understand how he does that.
-The Old Testament
1. the pattern of the kingdom
2. the perished kingdom
3. the promised kingdom
4. the partial kingdom
5. the prophesied kingdom
-The New Testament
6. the present kingdom
7. the proclaimed kingdom
8. the perfect kingdom
-the kingdom of God= God's people in God's place under God's rule and blessing.
-The Bible...
contains 66 books written by about 40 humans authors over nearly 2,000 years
has 2 main sections... Old and New, written in 2 main language... Hebrew and Greek
includes mixture of types of literature
39 books in Old, written 3rd century B.C.
27 books in New, written 1st century A.D.
Gospels are four accounts of the birth, life, teaching, death and resurrection of Jesus.
Acts, written by Luke, records the spread of the good news of Jesus after his ascension into heaven.
The Epistles are letters written mainly by Christ's chosen apostles.
Paul wrote Romans to Philemon.
but New Testament also contains letters from Peter, John, James, and Jude.
No one knows who wrote to the Hebrews.
Revelation is John's vision described.
-Just as the Lord Jesus was both fully human and fully divine, so the Bible is both a human and a divine book.
-it is united by ONE author= GOD.
-ONE subject= Jesus Christ and the salvation God offers through him.
-God's plan
-Old Testament: Promise
-New Testament: Fulfillment
-the way you read a book depends on the kind of book you think it is.
-the Bible is ONE book.
does not contain isolated sayings
each verse needs to be understood in the context of the chapter in which it appears
God's kingdom is the binding theme of the whole Bible
God's covenant promises ARE kingdom promises (some people think they are separate)
-There has never been a time when God, the three in one, was not.
-the Bible never allows us to rank the spiritual above the physical. Matter matters because God made it; it is 'good'.
"Human beings are animals. They are sometimes monsters, sometimes magnifcent, but always animals."
-but... WE alone, of ALL God's creation, have been made IN HIS IMAGE.
-we are made BY God and made LIKE God.
-'Rest' is the goal of creation.
-God's law is not oppressive; it is for our good.
-Man is created first, then the woman as his helper. Man is the LEADER in the relationship, but his authority is not ABUSED and the woman doesn't RESIST it. They enjoy marital bliss. They have complete intimacy WITHOUT fear or guilt.
-part of the purpose of the Sabbath law was to remind the Israelites that that is ultimately what life was designed for, rather than the concerns of the present world.
-we can experience something of that rest even in this fallen world.
-Satan is powerful, but not equal to God.
God alone is eternal
Satan is therefore a created being, but then must have rebelled against God.
-it doesn't matter whether or not we understand where evil comes from, but it is important that we know if its existence.
-Adam and Eve's FALL:
their sin is that of law-making, not just law-breaking.
they were saying, "from now on, God, we want to be the law-makers in the world, setting the standards by which we live."
usurping His authority and establishing their independence from Him
this has been the nature of sin EVER SINCE.
relationships between men and women is forever broken... the perfect trust and intimacy have now gone.
God tells the woman of sexual desire and a longing to take control over her husband
she will no longer submit willingly to his lead and he will no longer exercise it in the loving, self-sacrificial way that was God's design
the old innocence is gone... and by nature when he calls us back into fellowship with him, we always run away.
God's warning was not a mere THREAT. he carried out their spiritual death just like he said would happen to them.
once the vertical relationship with God has been broken, it is inevitable that horizontal relationships with one another will be broken as well.
so it is not a surprise that the first murder happens shortly after the fall
-Cain kills his brother Abel
-so the Lord created the great flood
it was a reversal of creation, a return to chaos
-then the Tower of Babel was built
it was a symbol of our sinful desire to exalt ourselves and be independent of God
-so God scatters people throughout earth and gives them different languages-- DIVISION among people, not just between us and God.
-God's motivation for rescuing the world was not, first and foremost, to make us happy -- although that is certainly one final result.
-rather, He is seeking to restore thing to the way they should be.
-God is in the center of the world that he has made
-but since the Fall, humans have refused to accept his right to be there and have tried to depose him.
-the results have been catastrophic
-when the King is in the middle, everything else falls into place.
SIN ---------> JUDGMENT-------------> GRACE.
-After killing Abel, Cain is driven into exile. But God does not completely abandon him. He places a protective mark on Cain and promises that anyone who kills him will himself be judged.
-Covenant= a binding agreement
-'testament' is another word for covenant
-a solemn committment
-appears 285 times in Old testament, 33 times in New.
Noah Covenant. sign= a rainbow
Abrahamic covenant. sign= circumcision
Mosaic covenant. sign= the Sabbath
New covenant. sign= baptism
-The promises Abraham received: people, land, and blessing.
people: "I will be your God, and you will be my people."
land: the promised land, Canaan.
blessing: through Abraham's descendants, "all people on earth will be blessed."
-the curse of the fall would be replaced by the blessing of salvation
-Abram ('exalted father') changed to Abraham ('father of a multitude').
-the history of Israel from Abraham until the high point of the monarchy under Solomon
-period of over 1,000 years
Genesis 12-Exodus 18
the 'people' promise
Exodus 19-end of Leviticus
the 'rule and blessing' promise
Numbers-Joshua
the 'land' promise
Judges-2 Chronicles
the 'King' promise
the patriarchs: Abraham and Sarah, then Isaac and Rebekah, sons are Esau and Jacob. Jacob has 12 sons, one being Joseph.
Ephesians 2:8-9
"it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast."
'Isaac'= "he laughs"
-God tells Abraham to sacrifice Isaac
-Abraham, full of grief, but obeys and has faith.
-God provides him with a ram at last minute to sacrifice instead of Isaac.
*Trust in the gospel promises EVEN WHEN we cannot understand what God is doing in our lives.
-Jacob tricks father Isaac into giving HIM his blessing instead of older son Esau
-God does not choose people on merit.
-Jacob has 12 sons
Joseph is his favorite, and all other brothers are jealous
brothers sell Joseph as a slave and tell Jacob that he is dead
Joseph ends up in Egypt and in prison for something he did not do
-Is God really in control????????? YES!
Joseph interprets the Pharoah's dreams and he is released and made Prime Minister of Egypt
Canaan is threatened by famine and so Joseph's brothers go to Egypt for help... and run into Joseph!
Joseph helps them, and it results in the preservation of God's people
***God always overrules to ensure that his gospel promises are protected.
-we may not always understand how he does that.
Monday, July 28, 2008
I love listening to Explosions in the Sky ALL THE TIME. :)
It is amazing how much you can learn in just a few short days. I actually credit most of my enlightenment to the books I have been reading and am reading currently. Which, of course, is driven by my desire to seek God. Because anything else would, in the end, be worthless and meaningless. But seeking God...and seeking Him first, well that's just everything in this life. I love the gift of literature to this world. I love that it can be used as a tool to deepen our understanding, appreciation, and knowledge of God and His Word.
In opening my eyes to see what God wants to reveal to me, I'm finding I ask the question, "why?" less and less. Why me, Why did this happen, Why is this person doing this to me, Why did you let this continue, Why? Instead, more and more, I say, "ok this is happening or this happened, and that is ok. This is how I am going to choose to respond and react."
If you are an alcoholic or a cocaine addict or a sex addict or a cutter or WHATEVER......When asked who you are, do not answer "I am an alcoholic." Because you are not an alcoholic. That is not who you are. That does not define you. Who you are, is who GOD SAYS you are. God says you are His chosen ones, His child, His son or daughter, His beloved. God's truth says who I am and who you are. Not your best friend, not your enemy, not your parents, not your professor, not your roommmate, not your boss, not your boyfriend or girlfriend or latest crush. GOD'S WORD says who you are.
Sometimes I don't even realize that I have begun to let the world around me TELL ME who I am. I listen to the world, and the world says, "if you mess up, you are bad, you are a failure." my dysfunctional family legacy has taught me, "if you disappoint someone, then you are a disappointment, and you must punish yourself for that." And I don't even think about the millions of times I have read the same verses in the Bible OVER and OVER again that tell me, "You are the daughter of the King," and, "you are a child of Light," and, "you are not an orphan because God has adopted you into His family and You are loved, every part of you, all of you, He loves you." Because if I really believe what I believe, then I will not do the things I have been doing whenever something hard in my life hits me, even when something not so hard happens.
So many times.....scratch that- almost EVERY time the opportunity arises for me to choose how to react to something that happens in my life (anything, just anything), I go from the activating event straight to my reaction. Sure, I think about things. Some more than others, some less. But my emotions override my thoughts almost 100% of the time. I think I'm thinking, but I'm really just feeling and thinking about how I feel. I never stop to think about WHAT I BELIEVE, and how that is what I should base my reaction off of.
We act the way we act because of how we believe what we believe.
Faith is how I live, it is what I do. I live by faith because I believe in God's truth, I trust in His promises, I hope for an intimate relationship with Him to keep growing and to continue deepening. I love the people around me the way that I love them because God loves me and I believe that. I truly, truly believe that. I believe that God has given me the gift of joy. So why have I let Satan stifle my amazing gift of laughter and smiling and zeal for life and people? Maybe because I really haven't believed it all this time. Maybe I'm starting right now.
Romans 12:1-2 says to not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. For the past year, I have had horrible, disgusting, painful lies swarming around in my mind, and they have tried to overcome my faith in Jesus Christ. Satan has been twisting the truth in my head for far too long. It has caused so much destruction and devastation in my life, and I've had enough. It is time to change the lies in my mind from the world and from Satan to God's truths. And there is no better place to look for God's truths than in His Word, the Bible. And thus, the renewing of my mind journey begins.
So far, it's going great.
In opening my eyes to see what God wants to reveal to me, I'm finding I ask the question, "why?" less and less. Why me, Why did this happen, Why is this person doing this to me, Why did you let this continue, Why? Instead, more and more, I say, "ok this is happening or this happened, and that is ok. This is how I am going to choose to respond and react."
If you are an alcoholic or a cocaine addict or a sex addict or a cutter or WHATEVER......When asked who you are, do not answer "I am an alcoholic." Because you are not an alcoholic. That is not who you are. That does not define you. Who you are, is who GOD SAYS you are. God says you are His chosen ones, His child, His son or daughter, His beloved. God's truth says who I am and who you are. Not your best friend, not your enemy, not your parents, not your professor, not your roommmate, not your boss, not your boyfriend or girlfriend or latest crush. GOD'S WORD says who you are.
Sometimes I don't even realize that I have begun to let the world around me TELL ME who I am. I listen to the world, and the world says, "if you mess up, you are bad, you are a failure." my dysfunctional family legacy has taught me, "if you disappoint someone, then you are a disappointment, and you must punish yourself for that." And I don't even think about the millions of times I have read the same verses in the Bible OVER and OVER again that tell me, "You are the daughter of the King," and, "you are a child of Light," and, "you are not an orphan because God has adopted you into His family and You are loved, every part of you, all of you, He loves you." Because if I really believe what I believe, then I will not do the things I have been doing whenever something hard in my life hits me, even when something not so hard happens.
So many times.....scratch that- almost EVERY time the opportunity arises for me to choose how to react to something that happens in my life (anything, just anything), I go from the activating event straight to my reaction. Sure, I think about things. Some more than others, some less. But my emotions override my thoughts almost 100% of the time. I think I'm thinking, but I'm really just feeling and thinking about how I feel. I never stop to think about WHAT I BELIEVE, and how that is what I should base my reaction off of.
We act the way we act because of how we believe what we believe.
Faith is how I live, it is what I do. I live by faith because I believe in God's truth, I trust in His promises, I hope for an intimate relationship with Him to keep growing and to continue deepening. I love the people around me the way that I love them because God loves me and I believe that. I truly, truly believe that. I believe that God has given me the gift of joy. So why have I let Satan stifle my amazing gift of laughter and smiling and zeal for life and people? Maybe because I really haven't believed it all this time. Maybe I'm starting right now.
Romans 12:1-2 says to not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. For the past year, I have had horrible, disgusting, painful lies swarming around in my mind, and they have tried to overcome my faith in Jesus Christ. Satan has been twisting the truth in my head for far too long. It has caused so much destruction and devastation in my life, and I've had enough. It is time to change the lies in my mind from the world and from Satan to God's truths. And there is no better place to look for God's truths than in His Word, the Bible. And thus, the renewing of my mind journey begins.
So far, it's going great.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
injury update.
Collisions that occur during sporting events, slips, falls or automobile crashes can all have a damaging effect on your neck and back. These types of collision-related injuries are often called a "whiplash."
The resulting instability of the spine and soft tissues can contribute to headaches, dizziness, blurred vision, pain in the shoulders, arms and hands, reduced ability to turn and bend, and low back problems. As the body attempts to adapt, symptoms may not appear until weeks or even months later.
A common result of acceleration/deceleration injuries is the loss of the normal forward curve, causing chiropractic, orthopedic or neurological examination findings.
When the head is suddenly jerked back and forth beyond its normal limits, the muscles and ligaments supporting the head and spine can be stretched or torn. The soft, pulpy discs between spinal bones can bulge, tear, or rupture. Vertebrae can be forced out of their normal position, reducing range of motion. Even though the car may have received little damage, occupants can suffer serious spinal injuries.
-------------------
My neck injury from my car accident is getting increasingly worse. I hope it can be fixed.
The resulting instability of the spine and soft tissues can contribute to headaches, dizziness, blurred vision, pain in the shoulders, arms and hands, reduced ability to turn and bend, and low back problems. As the body attempts to adapt, symptoms may not appear until weeks or even months later.
A common result of acceleration/deceleration injuries is the loss of the normal forward curve, causing chiropractic, orthopedic or neurological examination findings.
When the head is suddenly jerked back and forth beyond its normal limits, the muscles and ligaments supporting the head and spine can be stretched or torn. The soft, pulpy discs between spinal bones can bulge, tear, or rupture. Vertebrae can be forced out of their normal position, reducing range of motion. Even though the car may have received little damage, occupants can suffer serious spinal injuries.
-------------------
My neck injury from my car accident is getting increasingly worse. I hope it can be fixed.
Friday, July 25, 2008
You are the best one, of the best ones. We all look like we feel."
he sees himself so righteously
a diamond in an emerald sea
but while he's playing power chords
true love will pass him by.
he knows exactly what he wants
his charm deceives and taunts
but while he whispers in your ear
true love will pass him by.
he has the gifts and talents
but uses them for accomplishments
while he twists and manipulates
true love will pass him by.
he weakens for the pretty girls
and plays with their fancy curls
while darkness pulls his desire
true love will pass him by.
he takes everything that they had
enjoying them just like a fad
while he feeds upon her innocence
true love will pass him by.
he knows just what you want to hear
he knows how you want him to appear
and while he lies and smiles
true love will pass him by.
how many times do you have to slam
straight into a brick wall
over and over and over again
before you make a change.....
a diamond in an emerald sea
but while he's playing power chords
true love will pass him by.
he knows exactly what he wants
his charm deceives and taunts
but while he whispers in your ear
true love will pass him by.
he has the gifts and talents
but uses them for accomplishments
while he twists and manipulates
true love will pass him by.
he weakens for the pretty girls
and plays with their fancy curls
while darkness pulls his desire
true love will pass him by.
he takes everything that they had
enjoying them just like a fad
while he feeds upon her innocence
true love will pass him by.
he knows just what you want to hear
he knows how you want him to appear
and while he lies and smiles
true love will pass him by.
how many times do you have to slam
straight into a brick wall
over and over and over again
before you make a change.....
Thursday, July 24, 2008
yeah, this really happened.
This is my Scrubs moment of the day. You know how J.D. ends every episode with some kind of inner monologue reflection, usually with flashbacks or showing the scene while his voice continues... hahahaah, yeah this is mine.
the chasm that is great disappointment opens up and grabs me. is it over? is that it? and you're supposed to be the one i can count on? but then my friend showed me exactly why we have held onto each other all these years. in one moment, i knew why i loved her so much and cared so intricately for her.
I'm SO sorry. -Apology.
You didn't deserve that at all. -Compassion.
I am so, so, so sorry I didn't say anything. -Affirmation.
I hated every second of it, sitting in the back that whole time I just wanted to vomit. -Mutual Pain
I b*tched her out when we got in my car. I seriously yelled at her, you NEVER talk to my friend like that. Never. -Justice
I am so, so, so, so sorry. -Reaffirmation.
---
A picture of standing up for what's right. That's why I love her.
the chasm that is great disappointment opens up and grabs me. is it over? is that it? and you're supposed to be the one i can count on? but then my friend showed me exactly why we have held onto each other all these years. in one moment, i knew why i loved her so much and cared so intricately for her.
I'm SO sorry. -Apology.
You didn't deserve that at all. -Compassion.
I am so, so, so sorry I didn't say anything. -Affirmation.
I hated every second of it, sitting in the back that whole time I just wanted to vomit. -Mutual Pain
I b*tched her out when we got in my car. I seriously yelled at her, you NEVER talk to my friend like that. Never. -Justice
I am so, so, so, so sorry. -Reaffirmation.
---
A picture of standing up for what's right. That's why I love her.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
more.
aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
is it all just about making plans and having a fun time? is life just what you DO? and how much FUN it was? It that what makes it all worthwhile. Huh.
maybe i'm a little tired of "making plans". maybe it all seems so superficial and empty and disgusting.
i'm a hermit sometimes.
life is more.
is it all just about making plans and having a fun time? is life just what you DO? and how much FUN it was? It that what makes it all worthwhile. Huh.
maybe i'm a little tired of "making plans". maybe it all seems so superficial and empty and disgusting.
i'm a hermit sometimes.
life is more.
Monday, July 21, 2008
"...could you show me dear, something i've not seen, something infinitely interesting?"
"A Boy, Part I"
sometimes i cry so hard for you
and as the tears fall, i'm angry
angry that you aren't here to catch them
confused that i still want you here now
i shouldn't wish for you to wipe away the pain
shouldn't wait for these things to change
but here i lie in bed...
here the endless cycle begins
now that it's been a while
i'm writing letters to you again
letters that will never reach you
no, never will i reach you
now that it is certainly over
i wonder how it all happened
how did i push you so far away
while you were holding me so close?
sometimes it hurts me still
how hard i fell for you...
when in the end it was nothing
in the end it was less than nothing.
----
"A Boy, Part II"
do you see the trail you've left behind
what a legacy, oh what a life
strong debut for the opening show
bright lights, fireworks, you had it all
i'm afraid the impression you made is lasting
pressing down upon me for all this time
like a drug you remained deep within my blood
long after the beautiful trip had even begun
your premiere was undoubtedly impressive
yet lost its luster in the brewing storm
like the caffeine pulsating in my vessels now
you gave it your all just to let it all crash down
do you see the way you left me behind
what an epic fall, oh what a twist
thunderous applause and i'm at the door
glancing up at the man i thought you were
as you bow for the final curtain call
you look towards the audience with a smile
but i'm already gone, i figured it out
i know i'm better off without you after all.
----
the end for now.
sometimes i cry so hard for you
and as the tears fall, i'm angry
angry that you aren't here to catch them
confused that i still want you here now
i shouldn't wish for you to wipe away the pain
shouldn't wait for these things to change
but here i lie in bed...
here the endless cycle begins
now that it's been a while
i'm writing letters to you again
letters that will never reach you
no, never will i reach you
now that it is certainly over
i wonder how it all happened
how did i push you so far away
while you were holding me so close?
sometimes it hurts me still
how hard i fell for you...
when in the end it was nothing
in the end it was less than nothing.
----
"A Boy, Part II"
do you see the trail you've left behind
what a legacy, oh what a life
strong debut for the opening show
bright lights, fireworks, you had it all
i'm afraid the impression you made is lasting
pressing down upon me for all this time
like a drug you remained deep within my blood
long after the beautiful trip had even begun
your premiere was undoubtedly impressive
yet lost its luster in the brewing storm
like the caffeine pulsating in my vessels now
you gave it your all just to let it all crash down
do you see the way you left me behind
what an epic fall, oh what a twist
thunderous applause and i'm at the door
glancing up at the man i thought you were
as you bow for the final curtain call
you look towards the audience with a smile
but i'm already gone, i figured it out
i know i'm better off without you after all.
----
the end for now.
Friday, July 11, 2008
opinions.
i'm being a bit opinionated today. i don't care....
first of all, i really want EVERYONE to STOP talking badly about Bekah towards me. She is not a perfect person but i'd be really surprised if anyone else on this PLANET would call themselves perfect. i'm seriously sick of people bringing up past mistakes she and i have made together and not believing that i am a strong enough person to change. i am extremely protective of that girl for a lot of really good reasons, and i won't let one more person attack her name. she has been a friend to me when literally no one else would be, tried to be, or cared to be, and no matter what your opinion of her is, i love her and accept her for who she is, flaws and all. that's the picture of Christ's love for us. PERIOD.
secondly, i'm sick of girls being slutty. i'm sick of ex-girlfriends trying to get to me. i'm sick of girls named Rachel. i'm sick of Christian girls who parade their bodies around even though they claim to follow God and His Word, yet don't think the way they dress themselves is specifically targeted in the Bible even though it is. or they do know it's in the Bible, yet continue to dress with the attitude 'hey boys come and get me, but i'm a nice Christian girl". i'm sick of seeing hypocrisy and immodesty and immorality within the Church.
thirdly. i do not think it is right for others to expect recovery in any way, shape, or form from a person who can hardly manage their day-to-day life. are you that selfish, naive, or idiotic to not see when a person is truly struggling just to LIVE? and how dare anyone spend their time pointing out this struggling being's flaws when you have heard from their very mouth the pain they are in EVERY DAY. honestly how self-centered can you be.
i'm realizing that, in discovering what i truly believe as an individual, i have very different views on the things of life than a LOT of people. i'm confused because what i believe really does seem RIGHT to me, based on what I read in the Bible. and i'm confused that other Christians do not share these views with me if they are reading the same Bible as me.
i'm frustrated.
first of all, i really want EVERYONE to STOP talking badly about Bekah towards me. She is not a perfect person but i'd be really surprised if anyone else on this PLANET would call themselves perfect. i'm seriously sick of people bringing up past mistakes she and i have made together and not believing that i am a strong enough person to change. i am extremely protective of that girl for a lot of really good reasons, and i won't let one more person attack her name. she has been a friend to me when literally no one else would be, tried to be, or cared to be, and no matter what your opinion of her is, i love her and accept her for who she is, flaws and all. that's the picture of Christ's love for us. PERIOD.
secondly, i'm sick of girls being slutty. i'm sick of ex-girlfriends trying to get to me. i'm sick of girls named Rachel. i'm sick of Christian girls who parade their bodies around even though they claim to follow God and His Word, yet don't think the way they dress themselves is specifically targeted in the Bible even though it is. or they do know it's in the Bible, yet continue to dress with the attitude 'hey boys come and get me, but i'm a nice Christian girl". i'm sick of seeing hypocrisy and immodesty and immorality within the Church.
thirdly. i do not think it is right for others to expect recovery in any way, shape, or form from a person who can hardly manage their day-to-day life. are you that selfish, naive, or idiotic to not see when a person is truly struggling just to LIVE? and how dare anyone spend their time pointing out this struggling being's flaws when you have heard from their very mouth the pain they are in EVERY DAY. honestly how self-centered can you be.
i'm realizing that, in discovering what i truly believe as an individual, i have very different views on the things of life than a LOT of people. i'm confused because what i believe really does seem RIGHT to me, based on what I read in the Bible. and i'm confused that other Christians do not share these views with me if they are reading the same Bible as me.
i'm frustrated.
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
W.I.P. = work in progress.
gnawing at the heart on which you tread
a silent killer chains me to my bed
rigorously clawing until blood be shed
i'd rather sleep on than recall what you said
if malice were gentler and lesser in weight
it would still my blood the same at any rate
though death be not the most troubling fate
the pain in love is an overwhelming trait
words that drown out every breath i take
haunting me in my sleep and when i wake
i swallowed them numbly oh what a mistake
now they control me and deepen my heart's break.
... that's all. blah.
a silent killer chains me to my bed
rigorously clawing until blood be shed
i'd rather sleep on than recall what you said
if malice were gentler and lesser in weight
it would still my blood the same at any rate
though death be not the most troubling fate
the pain in love is an overwhelming trait
words that drown out every breath i take
haunting me in my sleep and when i wake
i swallowed them numbly oh what a mistake
now they control me and deepen my heart's break.
... that's all. blah.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
"...water's getting harder to tread, with these waves crashing over my head..." -lifehouse
The place we are at right now in our lives is exactly where we are supposed to be. Sometimes that's hard to swallow. It doesn't go down so easy. It gets stuck in your throat and tightens up. It hurts. What if the place you're at is totally awful? How can that be the way your life is meant to go? A few tears every now and then never hurt anybody, and everybody knows deep down inside that the hard stuff in life only makes you stronger and better.
The thing is, sometimes a few tears turn into a flood. A flash flood. And it's apart of an even bigger storm. With crashing waves and slicing wind and crushing hail. So once you start to let it sink in that this storm that has taken over your life is actually not a detour from "The Plan", an off-road accidental short cut that took you off the REAL road you're supposed to be driving down, but it is actually 100% right where you are supposed to be. You're supposed to fall down hard and cut your knee and cry because it hurts. You're supposed to get angry at a loving God who seems so bent on hurting you. You're supposed to feel. You're supposed to sit alone at night and hate what's happening.
But, you see, there's so much more. And we spend so much time neglecting that. I look at life and think: More. Because if you think of it any less of a way, what's the point? you're hurting and you're miserable and you hate your life- then just end it. what's the point of getting up in the morning if life is just life and you're just existing because you happen to be here and you might as well get what you can out of it while you're here.
I don't know how long I'll be in this storm. I can't see God's purpose for all of this pain being thrust upon me time and time again. I know it's there- I know He's got something in store for me... but I don't know when and I don't know what. I just know He's here with me through it all. That's faith, and that is something I have never lost and never will. Because it is a choice. And it is a practice. And no matter how close I get to death with all the mistakes I make and wrong turns I take, I choose life and freedom through the Son. I may lose my sanity at times, I may lose control of my actions, I may lose my good judgment, I may lose my zest for life, I may lose my joy..........but I will never lose faith. I believe in MORE.
Growing up is interesting when it comes to me in particular... because I am not necessarily the most independent 19-year-old you'll meet, and I am not by any means even close to being wise and mature like the people you look up to in your life, perhaps your parents, a pastor, a friend..whatever. But, for some reason, I find myself thinking and writing about "growing up" a lot. I talk about my "growing up"-ness all the time. I wonder if it's because certain people's words left me broken over their perception of my behavior, and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces by proving them all wrong. Somebody very close to me once told me I don't know anything about what it means to be an adult. And that hurt me very, very deeply for some reason. This was recent, by the way. The truth is, I was forced to grow up in certain ways before I was ready. And that left me very confused and very broken.
How does a 14-year old girl live with a disabled father? I mean...how does a *20* year old girl live with her disabled father? How?? They function like a 5 year old yet have the body of a 50 year old. Life like this forces one to grow up in ways they should not have to grow up in yet. But there's no stopping it and there's no going back. Ever.
My life for the past 6 years or so has brought me to where I am now- wondering so many things... so many questions. Important questions.
How do you not let your parents' disintegrating marriage get you down and keep you down? How do you stop it from ruling your thoughts on love and marriage and commitment and promises? How do you guard your heart from the despair of seeing your parents interact with utter hate? Love is.... my whole WORLD summed up in one word. Love is ALL that matters. Love is where peace and kindness and joy and friendship and trust and humility and hope flow from. God is love. And yet, the most sacred love of all between a married man and woman, is thrown to the wind before my very eyes. It's terrifying. It rips me apart every day and every night I live. Honestly.
How do you trust someone who lied to you and broke your heart? How do you trust men in general with your heart and your thoughts and feelings ever again, after someone you thought would never hurt you... goes and emotionally cheats on you and thinks he can get away with the lies and the deceit without getting caught?
How do I accept the shortcomings of others, while I have so many of my own, yet not let them own me and push me around?
How do I get you to listen, to really.. listen?
Growing up and becoming an adult isn't about knowing what to do when trouble erupts. Being an adult is about understanding that you may not have the answers or the ability to resolve the hard things that come our way... but striving to do the right thing, always. Being an adult doesn't mean your life appears perfect to everyone else. It doesn't mean you don't have a drinking problem, or an addiction, or broken relationships. It's about an understanding of life that only comes from living, from time, from trial and error, from our experiences, from making decisions and making choices. That's what being an adult means. I may be 20, but I've been through more than most 20-year-olds... I'd put money on that for sure. I used to not be ok with that. But I am now. Why? Because this storm is right where I'm supposed to be.
The thing is, sometimes a few tears turn into a flood. A flash flood. And it's apart of an even bigger storm. With crashing waves and slicing wind and crushing hail. So once you start to let it sink in that this storm that has taken over your life is actually not a detour from "The Plan", an off-road accidental short cut that took you off the REAL road you're supposed to be driving down, but it is actually 100% right where you are supposed to be. You're supposed to fall down hard and cut your knee and cry because it hurts. You're supposed to get angry at a loving God who seems so bent on hurting you. You're supposed to feel. You're supposed to sit alone at night and hate what's happening.
But, you see, there's so much more. And we spend so much time neglecting that. I look at life and think: More. Because if you think of it any less of a way, what's the point? you're hurting and you're miserable and you hate your life- then just end it. what's the point of getting up in the morning if life is just life and you're just existing because you happen to be here and you might as well get what you can out of it while you're here.
I don't know how long I'll be in this storm. I can't see God's purpose for all of this pain being thrust upon me time and time again. I know it's there- I know He's got something in store for me... but I don't know when and I don't know what. I just know He's here with me through it all. That's faith, and that is something I have never lost and never will. Because it is a choice. And it is a practice. And no matter how close I get to death with all the mistakes I make and wrong turns I take, I choose life and freedom through the Son. I may lose my sanity at times, I may lose control of my actions, I may lose my good judgment, I may lose my zest for life, I may lose my joy..........but I will never lose faith. I believe in MORE.
Growing up is interesting when it comes to me in particular... because I am not necessarily the most independent 19-year-old you'll meet, and I am not by any means even close to being wise and mature like the people you look up to in your life, perhaps your parents, a pastor, a friend..whatever. But, for some reason, I find myself thinking and writing about "growing up" a lot. I talk about my "growing up"-ness all the time. I wonder if it's because certain people's words left me broken over their perception of my behavior, and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces by proving them all wrong. Somebody very close to me once told me I don't know anything about what it means to be an adult. And that hurt me very, very deeply for some reason. This was recent, by the way. The truth is, I was forced to grow up in certain ways before I was ready. And that left me very confused and very broken.
How does a 14-year old girl live with a disabled father? I mean...how does a *20* year old girl live with her disabled father? How?? They function like a 5 year old yet have the body of a 50 year old. Life like this forces one to grow up in ways they should not have to grow up in yet. But there's no stopping it and there's no going back. Ever.
My life for the past 6 years or so has brought me to where I am now- wondering so many things... so many questions. Important questions.
How do you not let your parents' disintegrating marriage get you down and keep you down? How do you stop it from ruling your thoughts on love and marriage and commitment and promises? How do you guard your heart from the despair of seeing your parents interact with utter hate? Love is.... my whole WORLD summed up in one word. Love is ALL that matters. Love is where peace and kindness and joy and friendship and trust and humility and hope flow from. God is love. And yet, the most sacred love of all between a married man and woman, is thrown to the wind before my very eyes. It's terrifying. It rips me apart every day and every night I live. Honestly.
How do you trust someone who lied to you and broke your heart? How do you trust men in general with your heart and your thoughts and feelings ever again, after someone you thought would never hurt you... goes and emotionally cheats on you and thinks he can get away with the lies and the deceit without getting caught?
How do I accept the shortcomings of others, while I have so many of my own, yet not let them own me and push me around?
How do I get you to listen, to really.. listen?
Growing up and becoming an adult isn't about knowing what to do when trouble erupts. Being an adult is about understanding that you may not have the answers or the ability to resolve the hard things that come our way... but striving to do the right thing, always. Being an adult doesn't mean your life appears perfect to everyone else. It doesn't mean you don't have a drinking problem, or an addiction, or broken relationships. It's about an understanding of life that only comes from living, from time, from trial and error, from our experiences, from making decisions and making choices. That's what being an adult means. I may be 20, but I've been through more than most 20-year-olds... I'd put money on that for sure. I used to not be ok with that. But I am now. Why? Because this storm is right where I'm supposed to be.
Saturday, May 17, 2008
"it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"
my dog of 13 years is dying and is being put to sleep in a couple weeks. sometimes when i come home at night and hear her tail wag against the carpet where she's lying, i just lay next to her and hug her and cry until my eyes dry up. i can't imagine her being gone. she's been the most loyal companion. ugh it kills me just thinking about it.
i just found out one of my best friends and my planned roommate for this fall isn't coming back to ISU because her parents won't let her. it's a total shock and neither of us saw this coming. now i'm roommate-less and wont have my best friend in my same major to be with me every day like we planned and were so excited about. i'm so upset, i haven't even begun to let it sink in completely.
my best friend here in wdm might be moving out to Colorado in the fall and living there. anybody else dear and special to me want to leave me? i mean, geez. i know this is just the kind of stuff that happens in life when you grow up and get older and friends get separated. all it means is you figure out ways to remain close even when far apart. ive had a lot of practice pretty much for the past 6 years of my life with that... doesnt make it any easier really, but, at least i know what to expect. i'm just really sad right now about everything.
not to mention i'm moving into a small apartment with my mom in a couple weeks, so my parents are actually separated pretty much and ill do the whole divorced kid thing now. even though theyre not officially divorced, it's basically the same situation.
I just don't know why God is letting all of this happen to me right now. I'm just gonna pray about it and trust in His will... i know everything will be ok... i'm just feeling all the sadness from it all, and i'm not sure how to go on like this. i have hope though.
"Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."
i just found out one of my best friends and my planned roommate for this fall isn't coming back to ISU because her parents won't let her. it's a total shock and neither of us saw this coming. now i'm roommate-less and wont have my best friend in my same major to be with me every day like we planned and were so excited about. i'm so upset, i haven't even begun to let it sink in completely.
my best friend here in wdm might be moving out to Colorado in the fall and living there. anybody else dear and special to me want to leave me? i mean, geez. i know this is just the kind of stuff that happens in life when you grow up and get older and friends get separated. all it means is you figure out ways to remain close even when far apart. ive had a lot of practice pretty much for the past 6 years of my life with that... doesnt make it any easier really, but, at least i know what to expect. i'm just really sad right now about everything.
not to mention i'm moving into a small apartment with my mom in a couple weeks, so my parents are actually separated pretty much and ill do the whole divorced kid thing now. even though theyre not officially divorced, it's basically the same situation.
I just don't know why God is letting all of this happen to me right now. I'm just gonna pray about it and trust in His will... i know everything will be ok... i'm just feeling all the sadness from it all, and i'm not sure how to go on like this. i have hope though.
"Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Learning is not for the faint of heart.
I've been thinking, a lot. Here's the kind of stuff I've been throwin' around inside my brain.
do I feel like I'm behind because I dropped out of school for the semester? yes. am i still angry and bitter about my car accident happening the first week of classes? yes, i am still angry about the timing and bitter about how up in the air my injuries were following the wreck...because that's what caused me to have to withdrawal. If I could go back and change that, yes I would. I would have continued my education and already gotten a semester of classes in my new major under my belt. But now, I have to start this fall. That's ok though. I was refunded all of my money for the semester as of this week- and I can't tell you how amazing it felt to hold that piece of official paper from ISU in my hands, telling me all of the $2500 was my parent's money again. After so much crap I went through, I hated doing it, i absolutely HATED doing it...all the running around and getting these medical documents signed and seeing this doctor to get an official letter and having to explain over and over again what happened in the accident, and it finally paid off. All my hard work finally gets rewarded. Thank you God.
I may not have been studying for exams and writing essays and papers these past 4 months, but I have been learning about life. What is more important in the long run? Education, or Life? My answer is life, although education is very far up there. I have been taking tests of my own and writing important papers and seeing what grades I get for my work. I have failed several tests. I was surprised by some of these failing grades, I was hurt, I was upset. But in school, whenever I didn't do as well as I thought I would, I went through a short "grieving" process, then moved on and just tried to do better the next time. Thus is the way I must deal with life's failures. I've realized that just because things are not the way they OUGHT to be, in some perfect world with no sin and no pain and no shame, that it does *NOT* lessen my worth and value as a member of the human race and most importantly as a child of God. People like to think how things SHOULD be. How we OUGHT to act. That 2 + 2 ALWAYS equals 4 and if it doesn't, the world has ended. That not being where we think we're supposed to be, no matter what drives us to where we think we should be, somehow means we are inadequate, that we are the opposite of good, that we are in need of being rescued. Well, my journey through life has brought me to believe these are futile thoughts, aimless roads, and vain directions. There are no equations or formulas or scientific methods to get us to where we all desire to be and need to be.
Maybe this is easier for me to understand because of the way my mind works. My brain is heavily creative, artistic and abstract in its thought-process. I don't think in charts and graphs, or numbers and analytical geometry.
I've been failing a lot of tests lately, but unlike the Iowa State students who already had their final exams, MY final exam isn't set in stone yet. I still have time. I still have time to do extra credit and get more points and get my grade up to where I want it to be. Of course, I dont have all the time in the world... it's inevitably coming for me. But, I'm not going to freak out like I used to about these things. Maybe I am actually becoming an adult. That's my biggest test, if you haven't figured it out yet. And I'm trying to prepare for my final exam the best I can.
do I feel like I'm behind because I dropped out of school for the semester? yes. am i still angry and bitter about my car accident happening the first week of classes? yes, i am still angry about the timing and bitter about how up in the air my injuries were following the wreck...because that's what caused me to have to withdrawal. If I could go back and change that, yes I would. I would have continued my education and already gotten a semester of classes in my new major under my belt. But now, I have to start this fall. That's ok though. I was refunded all of my money for the semester as of this week- and I can't tell you how amazing it felt to hold that piece of official paper from ISU in my hands, telling me all of the $2500 was my parent's money again. After so much crap I went through, I hated doing it, i absolutely HATED doing it...all the running around and getting these medical documents signed and seeing this doctor to get an official letter and having to explain over and over again what happened in the accident, and it finally paid off. All my hard work finally gets rewarded. Thank you God.
I may not have been studying for exams and writing essays and papers these past 4 months, but I have been learning about life. What is more important in the long run? Education, or Life? My answer is life, although education is very far up there. I have been taking tests of my own and writing important papers and seeing what grades I get for my work. I have failed several tests. I was surprised by some of these failing grades, I was hurt, I was upset. But in school, whenever I didn't do as well as I thought I would, I went through a short "grieving" process, then moved on and just tried to do better the next time. Thus is the way I must deal with life's failures. I've realized that just because things are not the way they OUGHT to be, in some perfect world with no sin and no pain and no shame, that it does *NOT* lessen my worth and value as a member of the human race and most importantly as a child of God. People like to think how things SHOULD be. How we OUGHT to act. That 2 + 2 ALWAYS equals 4 and if it doesn't, the world has ended. That not being where we think we're supposed to be, no matter what drives us to where we think we should be, somehow means we are inadequate, that we are the opposite of good, that we are in need of being rescued. Well, my journey through life has brought me to believe these are futile thoughts, aimless roads, and vain directions. There are no equations or formulas or scientific methods to get us to where we all desire to be and need to be.
Maybe this is easier for me to understand because of the way my mind works. My brain is heavily creative, artistic and abstract in its thought-process. I don't think in charts and graphs, or numbers and analytical geometry.
I've been failing a lot of tests lately, but unlike the Iowa State students who already had their final exams, MY final exam isn't set in stone yet. I still have time. I still have time to do extra credit and get more points and get my grade up to where I want it to be. Of course, I dont have all the time in the world... it's inevitably coming for me. But, I'm not going to freak out like I used to about these things. Maybe I am actually becoming an adult. That's my biggest test, if you haven't figured it out yet. And I'm trying to prepare for my final exam the best I can.
Sunday, May 04, 2008
"I may have lost my way now- haven't forgotten my way home." -lifehouse
Awesome night= good music, good fellowship, good coffee, good movie, good friends, good food, good weather, and GOOD conversation centered on GOD.
the good music was all thanks to James & James, the good fellowship came from spending quality time with Laura and all the other Salt go-ers who came to support James Squared, and the good coffee was compliments of Cafe Diem. The good movie was IRON MAN and I recommend it to anybody who likes action, comedy, and heroes. The good friends came from getting to spend the night around Zach, Aubrey, Steve and Mike. The good food came from deciding to go to Angie's Kitchen, this cute little breakfast place, at 2 a.m. and eating all the delicious breakfast foods you could think of (sausages, hash browns, eggs, omeletts, toast, french toast, etc.), and the good weather because it was a clear, pleasant evening- not too cold, not too hot, summer almost blowing into the midwest. the good conversation was the best part of the night. Zach, Aubs and I talked for what started out to be a little 10-minute thing, then turned into an hour and a half thing. The three of us have always had something special when we sit down and put our guards down and talk about what's going on and what's beneath the surface. It has been a while since all three of us had been able to do so, especially with me moving all over the place and changing locations and not being in school. But God brought us together again, and it was incredible what came from it. It pushed me to think about my goals for the next few months to come, and what I need to be working on and how I need to go about doing it. I honestly couldn't have gotten to this point of clarity amidst all the chaos in my life without the Lord speaking through Aubrey in such an encouraging, non-judgmental, loving way, and using Zach to really understand me and help me see the big picture and tell me I *CAN* do it. There's strength behind his words, and redemption behind Aubrey's. And that's all I really needed.
the good music was all thanks to James & James, the good fellowship came from spending quality time with Laura and all the other Salt go-ers who came to support James Squared, and the good coffee was compliments of Cafe Diem. The good movie was IRON MAN and I recommend it to anybody who likes action, comedy, and heroes. The good friends came from getting to spend the night around Zach, Aubrey, Steve and Mike. The good food came from deciding to go to Angie's Kitchen, this cute little breakfast place, at 2 a.m. and eating all the delicious breakfast foods you could think of (sausages, hash browns, eggs, omeletts, toast, french toast, etc.), and the good weather because it was a clear, pleasant evening- not too cold, not too hot, summer almost blowing into the midwest. the good conversation was the best part of the night. Zach, Aubs and I talked for what started out to be a little 10-minute thing, then turned into an hour and a half thing. The three of us have always had something special when we sit down and put our guards down and talk about what's going on and what's beneath the surface. It has been a while since all three of us had been able to do so, especially with me moving all over the place and changing locations and not being in school. But God brought us together again, and it was incredible what came from it. It pushed me to think about my goals for the next few months to come, and what I need to be working on and how I need to go about doing it. I honestly couldn't have gotten to this point of clarity amidst all the chaos in my life without the Lord speaking through Aubrey in such an encouraging, non-judgmental, loving way, and using Zach to really understand me and help me see the big picture and tell me I *CAN* do it. There's strength behind his words, and redemption behind Aubrey's. And that's all I really needed.
Friday, May 02, 2008
"I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive."
These are things I love:
Paramore, my chiropractor Kory, seeing friendships last 4 years already and continuing, the musical Wicked, smelling summer in the air, learning patience, learning how to say "No, I'm not going to do it your way just because you tell me to and expect it," designing a line of clothes inspired by Hayley Williams, and last but not least... Scrubs. yup.
I was thinking before I fell asleep last night about who of my friends are going to be where for the summer. We're getting older. Moving away and moving on with our lives is a natural part of growing up. Most of the original posse is going to be in or around the Des Moines area. But several people whom I love very much are going to be far away. We've got Jamie at Eagle Lake in Colorado, Foster in Colorado as well, Austin in Missouri for Kanakuk, my darling Bekah is in Chicago as well as Steve, Kiki and Rhonda. Bryce is also in Missouri. Mel will be moved to her dad's in Florida. Brek will be in Wisconsin. Adam is still in North Carolina. Other friends are spread around Iowa, like Laura back in her hometown, Scott and Angie in Dubuque, Austin and Noel in Muscatine, Andrew B. and Alex S. in Clarinda. My sister, Adam H., Lindsey, Josh & Steve, and Mac are all in Ames. I think that's everybody who's not in the Des Moines area for the summer.
I am definitely thankful that Aubrey, Cort, Zach, Sam, Jared, James, Mitch, Matt, Brian, Kayla, Mike & Sarah, Tim, and JR will all still be around (I believe that's correct). Maybe more, it's hard to remember everybody. I really do have a lot of friends. A lot of good, good friends.
I am ecstatic for B Barker's Westwind church to start up in June! Seriously ecstatic. I see good things coming from this church plant.
Time to go lay around and be lazy on a raindy day. Peace and love!
Paramore, my chiropractor Kory, seeing friendships last 4 years already and continuing, the musical Wicked, smelling summer in the air, learning patience, learning how to say "No, I'm not going to do it your way just because you tell me to and expect it," designing a line of clothes inspired by Hayley Williams, and last but not least... Scrubs. yup.
I was thinking before I fell asleep last night about who of my friends are going to be where for the summer. We're getting older. Moving away and moving on with our lives is a natural part of growing up. Most of the original posse is going to be in or around the Des Moines area. But several people whom I love very much are going to be far away. We've got Jamie at Eagle Lake in Colorado, Foster in Colorado as well, Austin in Missouri for Kanakuk, my darling Bekah is in Chicago as well as Steve, Kiki and Rhonda. Bryce is also in Missouri. Mel will be moved to her dad's in Florida. Brek will be in Wisconsin. Adam is still in North Carolina. Other friends are spread around Iowa, like Laura back in her hometown, Scott and Angie in Dubuque, Austin and Noel in Muscatine, Andrew B. and Alex S. in Clarinda. My sister, Adam H., Lindsey, Josh & Steve, and Mac are all in Ames. I think that's everybody who's not in the Des Moines area for the summer.
I am definitely thankful that Aubrey, Cort, Zach, Sam, Jared, James, Mitch, Matt, Brian, Kayla, Mike & Sarah, Tim, and JR will all still be around (I believe that's correct). Maybe more, it's hard to remember everybody. I really do have a lot of friends. A lot of good, good friends.
I am ecstatic for B Barker's Westwind church to start up in June! Seriously ecstatic. I see good things coming from this church plant.
Time to go lay around and be lazy on a raindy day. Peace and love!
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