the rawness of my heart.

Life just doesn't seem to be getting any easier for me right now. I need a break, but instead, I keep getting more and more on my plate. So, I wrote a poem. Mostly it is just a crappy attempt to formulate my feelings into coherent sentences, and sometimes the stanzas rhyme. yep that's about it. sometimes i wonder why i even bother to post my poems when I almost always think they suck (I'll admit I've written a couple good ones. a couple), especially RIGHT after writing them. and... I guess, i do it because i like things when they're raw. you know... that's when they seem most real to me. and i like real.

(so far no title)

all i do is dream about you
about us - being together
i know they're just dreams
but, i thought, maybe...
they would turn into reality.

but now my heart is cold
seems like my life is about to fold
because i love you SO much
yet, cannot feel your touch
(it just makes me empty)

your words break me in two
honey, i fell so hard for you
and now, you choose another
when i could've been your lover
(nothing seems right here)

i should have been prepared
for something like this to happen
but my dreams got in the way
i was hoping for the better
(guess it just didn't work out)

this morning i came to find
i died a little more inside...
when you slammed the door
that bridged us together before
(it used to swing wide open)

have i lost you now for good?
even though i did all i could
to make you mine...
and choose water over wine
(i just cannot accept this)

you'd think true love would conquer all
but, somehow, it became my fall
although i will keep on loving you the same
you'll bring me to my knees every time you say her name
i can't help the way i feel.
---

~Emily Joann Sexton, 9/8/06, approx. 3:30 pm
------

I'd also like to include some quotes from one of my favorite authors, Sarah Dessen... from her book Someone Like You--

"There are some things in this world you rely on, like a sure bet. And when they let you down, shifting from where you've carefully placed them, it shakes your faith, right where you stand."

"You can't just turn your heart off like a faucet; you have to go to the source and dry it out, drop by drop."

And from another great author, Dandi Daley Mackall, from her book Love Rules...

"I can't shut him out. I can't keep his words from sinking into me. They cut into my chest, my heart, until I think I'm going to be sick and never feel right again."

And, lastly, this:

"It was hard love, every step of the way,
Hard to be so close to you, so hard to turn away,
And when all the stars & sentimental songs dissolved today,
There was nothing left to sing about but hard love.

So I loved you for your courage and your gentle
sense of shame,
And I loved you for your laughter and your language
and your name,
And I knew it was impossible but I loved you just the same,
Though the only love I gave to you was hard love.

It was hard love, it was hard on you I know,
When the only love I gave to you was love I couldn't show.
You forgave the heart that loved you as your lover
turned to go,
Leaving nothing but the memory of hard love.

So I'm standing in this phone booth with a dollar & a dime,
Wondering what to say to you to ease your troubled mind,
For the Lord's cross might redeem us, but our own just
wastes our time,
And to tell the two apart is always hard, love.

So I'll tell you that I love you even though I'm far away,
And I'll tell you how you change me as I live from day to day,
How you help me to accept myself and I won't forget to say,
Love is never wasted, even when it's hard love.

Yes it's hard love, but it's love all the same,
Not the stuff of fantasy but more than just a game.
And the only kind of miracle that's worthy of then name,
For the love that heals our lives is mostly hard love."
--Bob Franke.