bring back the sun

I can't even explain it. I'm fighting something, but it's not what I normally would be fighting against. Usually I'm fighting against some bad situation and the things it makes me feel, some uncontrollable force outside of me that is hurting me and trying to bring me down, but this time on top of that I am fighting against myself. I don't know if anyone can relate, but you have some inner desire to do something that your logic and reason tells you is actually harmful and destructive, yet you want to do it anyway because you are so far down it's the only thing you care about doing- despite all the warnings, despite the tears of loved ones, despite the pleading of a mother, a sister, a friend.

I want to hide it, but it's not really possible. Not when your eyes are staring into mine knowingly, looking through me as if you see through the facade I wear. It's weird to know of something from the outside perspective for so long, like you've always stood so far away from actually being in the situation you've seen other people on tv and movies find themselves in... but all the sudden, I found myself in the situation and I got lost in the spiral just like everyone else seemed to do.

I'm trying to fight it. I'm not winning and I'm not losing, I'm just struggling somewhere in the middle. Your prayers and your hugs and your caring eyes are all that keep me from running away.

I'm not ready to give up on myself. Please don't give up on me yet.

Aubrey is right. the only pain medicine I need right now is God.