"is this everything that you've hoped for, is this everything you've dreamed..."

I can't help but think that I (mostly) failed myself this semester. It's probably something I shouldn't be thinking, but it just seems like that's what happened and if I don't say it, I'm lying to myself a little bit. I know I probably don't know very much when it comes to that idea thrown out there we quote as "the real world", and what it's like to pay a mortgage and have credit card bills and manage a household, but I have gone through more stuff this fall semester of my sophomore year of college than I could have ever imagined. I feel a little betrayed for being thrown into a grown-up world I wasn't ready for, but I guess if I were ready for it in the first place, I probably wouldn't have had the same experience that I did. I can't really put my finger on it, but there's this older feeling inside of me. I just sense it. It feels different. It's not a good different nor a bad different, just different... like if I had a weighing device inside me, it would be tipped a little more to the "adult" side rather than the "kid" side now.

But I seem to be talking like I'm out of the haze, and I'm actually not. I'm still very much in the problems that have been surrounding me all semester. I can't write some of the things that have been apart of my battle, but it's a battle with myself that is like no other battle I've ever had to endure before. It's one where there is no way I can come out of it unchanged, or indifferent. I have bad days and good days. And it's the bad days that get me into trouble. I can't keep wondering when my next trouble day will be, I just have to live today and think about today and have a victory TODAY.

I've had a hard time bringing myself to write, and I'm not exactly sure why. It could be a bunch of things, or maybe just one. Not sure, but I'm trying to write again. I found it helps to pray and meditate on God and His love for me, then something inside of me prompts me to write. I can't really explain it.

On another note entirely, I seem to be falling, and I do not mean the bad way.

xoxo, Em