I love listening to Explosions in the Sky ALL THE TIME. :)

It is amazing how much you can learn in just a few short days. I actually credit most of my enlightenment to the books I have been reading and am reading currently. Which, of course, is driven by my desire to seek God. Because anything else would, in the end, be worthless and meaningless. But seeking God...and seeking Him first, well that's just everything in this life. I love the gift of literature to this world. I love that it can be used as a tool to deepen our understanding, appreciation, and knowledge of God and His Word.

In opening my eyes to see what God wants to reveal to me, I'm finding I ask the question, "why?" less and less. Why me, Why did this happen, Why is this person doing this to me, Why did you let this continue, Why? Instead, more and more, I say, "ok this is happening or this happened, and that is ok. This is how I am going to choose to respond and react."

If you are an alcoholic or a cocaine addict or a sex addict or a cutter or WHATEVER......When asked who you are, do not answer "I am an alcoholic." Because you are not an alcoholic. That is not who you are. That does not define you. Who you are, is who GOD SAYS you are. God says you are His chosen ones, His child, His son or daughter, His beloved. God's truth says who I am and who you are. Not your best friend, not your enemy, not your parents, not your professor, not your roommmate, not your boss, not your boyfriend or girlfriend or latest crush. GOD'S WORD says who you are.

Sometimes I don't even realize that I have begun to let the world around me TELL ME who I am. I listen to the world, and the world says, "if you mess up, you are bad, you are a failure." my dysfunctional family legacy has taught me, "if you disappoint someone, then you are a disappointment, and you must punish yourself for that." And I don't even think about the millions of times I have read the same verses in the Bible OVER and OVER again that tell me, "You are the daughter of the King," and, "you are a child of Light," and, "you are not an orphan because God has adopted you into His family and You are loved, every part of you, all of you, He loves you." Because if I really believe what I believe, then I will not do the things I have been doing whenever something hard in my life hits me, even when something not so hard happens.

So many times.....scratch that- almost EVERY time the opportunity arises for me to choose how to react to something that happens in my life (anything, just anything), I go from the activating event straight to my reaction. Sure, I think about things. Some more than others, some less. But my emotions override my thoughts almost 100% of the time. I think I'm thinking, but I'm really just feeling and thinking about how I feel. I never stop to think about WHAT I BELIEVE, and how that is what I should base my reaction off of.

We act the way we act because of how we believe what we believe.

Faith is how I live, it is what I do. I live by faith because I believe in God's truth, I trust in His promises, I hope for an intimate relationship with Him to keep growing and to continue deepening. I love the people around me the way that I love them because God loves me and I believe that. I truly, truly believe that. I believe that God has given me the gift of joy. So why have I let Satan stifle my amazing gift of laughter and smiling and zeal for life and people? Maybe because I really haven't believed it all this time. Maybe I'm starting right now.

Romans 12:1-2 says to not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. For the past year, I have had horrible, disgusting, painful lies swarming around in my mind, and they have tried to overcome my faith in Jesus Christ. Satan has been twisting the truth in my head for far too long. It has caused so much destruction and devastation in my life, and I've had enough. It is time to change the lies in my mind from the world and from Satan to God's truths. And there is no better place to look for God's truths than in His Word, the Bible. And thus, the renewing of my mind journey begins.

So far, it's going great.

injury update.

Collisions that occur during sporting events, slips, falls or automobile crashes can all have a damaging effect on your neck and back. These types of collision-related injuries are often called a "whiplash."

The resulting instability of the spine and soft tissues can contribute to headaches, dizziness, blurred vision, pain in the shoulders, arms and hands, reduced ability to turn and bend, and low back problems. As the body attempts to adapt, symptoms may not appear until weeks or even months later.

A common result of acceleration/deceleration injuries is the loss of the normal forward curve, causing chiropractic, orthopedic or neurological examination findings.

When the head is suddenly jerked back and forth beyond its normal limits, the muscles and ligaments supporting the head and spine can be stretched or torn. The soft, pulpy discs between spinal bones can bulge, tear, or rupture. Vertebrae can be forced out of their normal position, reducing range of motion. Even though the car may have received little damage, occupants can suffer serious spinal injuries.
-------------------

My neck injury from my car accident is getting increasingly worse. I hope it can be fixed.

You are the best one, of the best ones. We all look like we feel."

he sees himself so righteously
a diamond in an emerald sea
but while he's playing power chords
true love will pass him by.

he knows exactly what he wants
his charm deceives and taunts
but while he whispers in your ear
true love will pass him by.

he has the gifts and talents
but uses them for accomplishments
while he twists and manipulates
true love will pass him by.

he weakens for the pretty girls
and plays with their fancy curls
while darkness pulls his desire
true love will pass him by.

he takes everything that they had
enjoying them just like a fad
while he feeds upon her innocence
true love will pass him by.

he knows just what you want to hear
he knows how you want him to appear
and while he lies and smiles
true love will pass him by.

how many times do you have to slam
straight into a brick wall
over and over and over again
before you make a change.....

yeah, this really happened.

This is my Scrubs moment of the day. You know how J.D. ends every episode with some kind of inner monologue reflection, usually with flashbacks or showing the scene while his voice continues... hahahaah, yeah this is mine.


the chasm that is great disappointment opens up and grabs me. is it over? is that it? and you're supposed to be the one i can count on? but then my friend showed me exactly why we have held onto each other all these years. in one moment, i knew why i loved her so much and cared so intricately for her.

I'm SO sorry. -Apology.

You didn't deserve that at all. -Compassion.

I am so, so, so sorry I didn't say anything. -Affirmation.

I hated every second of it, sitting in the back that whole time I just wanted to vomit. -Mutual Pain

I b*tched her out when we got in my car. I seriously yelled at her, you NEVER talk to my friend like that. Never. -Justice

I am so, so, so, so sorry. -Reaffirmation.
---

A picture of standing up for what's right. That's why I love her.

more.

aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


is it all just about making plans and having a fun time? is life just what you DO? and how much FUN it was? It that what makes it all worthwhile. Huh.

maybe i'm a little tired of "making plans". maybe it all seems so superficial and empty and disgusting.

i'm a hermit sometimes.

life is more.

"...could you show me dear, something i've not seen, something infinitely interesting?"

"A Boy, Part I"

sometimes i cry so hard for you
and as the tears fall, i'm angry
angry that you aren't here to catch them
confused that i still want you here now

i shouldn't wish for you to wipe away the pain
shouldn't wait for these things to change
but here i lie in bed...
here the endless cycle begins

now that it's been a while
i'm writing letters to you again
letters that will never reach you
no, never will i reach you

now that it is certainly over
i wonder how it all happened
how did i push you so far away
while you were holding me so close?

sometimes it hurts me still
how hard i fell for you...
when in the end it was nothing
in the end it was less than nothing.

----

"A Boy, Part II"

do you see the trail you've left behind
what a legacy, oh what a life
strong debut for the opening show
bright lights, fireworks, you had it all

i'm afraid the impression you made is lasting
pressing down upon me for all this time
like a drug you remained deep within my blood
long after the beautiful trip had even begun

your premiere was undoubtedly impressive
yet lost its luster in the brewing storm
like the caffeine pulsating in my vessels now
you gave it your all just to let it all crash down

do you see the way you left me behind
what an epic fall, oh what a twist
thunderous applause and i'm at the door
glancing up at the man i thought you were

as you bow for the final curtain call
you look towards the audience with a smile
but i'm already gone, i figured it out
i know i'm better off without you after all.
----

the end for now.

opinions.

i'm being a bit opinionated today. i don't care....


first of all, i really want EVERYONE to STOP talking badly about Bekah towards me. She is not a perfect person but i'd be really surprised if anyone else on this PLANET would call themselves perfect. i'm seriously sick of people bringing up past mistakes she and i have made together and not believing that i am a strong enough person to change. i am extremely protective of that girl for a lot of really good reasons, and i won't let one more person attack her name. she has been a friend to me when literally no one else would be, tried to be, or cared to be, and no matter what your opinion of her is, i love her and accept her for who she is, flaws and all. that's the picture of Christ's love for us. PERIOD.

secondly, i'm sick of girls being slutty. i'm sick of ex-girlfriends trying to get to me. i'm sick of girls named Rachel. i'm sick of Christian girls who parade their bodies around even though they claim to follow God and His Word, yet don't think the way they dress themselves is specifically targeted in the Bible even though it is. or they do know it's in the Bible, yet continue to dress with the attitude 'hey boys come and get me, but i'm a nice Christian girl". i'm sick of seeing hypocrisy and immodesty and immorality within the Church.

thirdly. i do not think it is right for others to expect recovery in any way, shape, or form from a person who can hardly manage their day-to-day life. are you that selfish, naive, or idiotic to not see when a person is truly struggling just to LIVE? and how dare anyone spend their time pointing out this struggling being's flaws when you have heard from their very mouth the pain they are in EVERY DAY. honestly how self-centered can you be.

i'm realizing that, in discovering what i truly believe as an individual, i have very different views on the things of life than a LOT of people. i'm confused because what i believe really does seem RIGHT to me, based on what I read in the Bible. and i'm confused that other Christians do not share these views with me if they are reading the same Bible as me.

i'm frustrated.

W.I.P. = work in progress.

gnawing at the heart on which you tread
a silent killer chains me to my bed
rigorously clawing until blood be shed
i'd rather sleep on than recall what you said

if malice were gentler and lesser in weight
it would still my blood the same at any rate
though death be not the most troubling fate
the pain in love is an overwhelming trait

words that drown out every breath i take
haunting me in my sleep and when i wake
i swallowed them numbly oh what a mistake
now they control me and deepen my heart's break.

... that's all. blah.

"...water's getting harder to tread, with these waves crashing over my head..." -lifehouse

The place we are at right now in our lives is exactly where we are supposed to be. Sometimes that's hard to swallow. It doesn't go down so easy. It gets stuck in your throat and tightens up. It hurts. What if the place you're at is totally awful? How can that be the way your life is meant to go? A few tears every now and then never hurt anybody, and everybody knows deep down inside that the hard stuff in life only makes you stronger and better.

The thing is, sometimes a few tears turn into a flood. A flash flood. And it's apart of an even bigger storm. With crashing waves and slicing wind and crushing hail. So once you start to let it sink in that this storm that has taken over your life is actually not a detour from "The Plan", an off-road accidental short cut that took you off the REAL road you're supposed to be driving down, but it is actually 100% right where you are supposed to be. You're supposed to fall down hard and cut your knee and cry because it hurts. You're supposed to get angry at a loving God who seems so bent on hurting you. You're supposed to feel. You're supposed to sit alone at night and hate what's happening.

But, you see, there's so much more. And we spend so much time neglecting that. I look at life and think: More. Because if you think of it any less of a way, what's the point? you're hurting and you're miserable and you hate your life- then just end it. what's the point of getting up in the morning if life is just life and you're just existing because you happen to be here and you might as well get what you can out of it while you're here.

I don't know how long I'll be in this storm. I can't see God's purpose for all of this pain being thrust upon me time and time again. I know it's there- I know He's got something in store for me... but I don't know when and I don't know what. I just know He's here with me through it all. That's faith, and that is something I have never lost and never will. Because it is a choice. And it is a practice. And no matter how close I get to death with all the mistakes I make and wrong turns I take, I choose life and freedom through the Son. I may lose my sanity at times, I may lose control of my actions, I may lose my good judgment, I may lose my zest for life, I may lose my joy..........but I will never lose faith. I believe in MORE.

Growing up is interesting when it comes to me in particular... because I am not necessarily the most independent 19-year-old you'll meet, and I am not by any means even close to being wise and mature like the people you look up to in your life, perhaps your parents, a pastor, a friend..whatever. But, for some reason, I find myself thinking and writing about "growing up" a lot. I talk about my "growing up"-ness all the time. I wonder if it's because certain people's words left me broken over their perception of my behavior, and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces by proving them all wrong. Somebody very close to me once told me I don't know anything about what it means to be an adult. And that hurt me very, very deeply for some reason. This was recent, by the way. The truth is, I was forced to grow up in certain ways before I was ready. And that left me very confused and very broken.

How does a 14-year old girl live with a disabled father? I mean...how does a *20* year old girl live with her disabled father? How?? They function like a 5 year old yet have the body of a 50 year old. Life like this forces one to grow up in ways they should not have to grow up in yet. But there's no stopping it and there's no going back. Ever.

My life for the past 6 years or so has brought me to where I am now- wondering so many things... so many questions. Important questions.

How do you not let your parents' disintegrating marriage get you down and keep you down? How do you stop it from ruling your thoughts on love and marriage and commitment and promises? How do you guard your heart from the despair of seeing your parents interact with utter hate? Love is.... my whole WORLD summed up in one word. Love is ALL that matters. Love is where peace and kindness and joy and friendship and trust and humility and hope flow from. God is love. And yet, the most sacred love of all between a married man and woman, is thrown to the wind before my very eyes. It's terrifying. It rips me apart every day and every night I live. Honestly.

How do you trust someone who lied to you and broke your heart? How do you trust men in general with your heart and your thoughts and feelings ever again, after someone you thought would never hurt you... goes and emotionally cheats on you and thinks he can get away with the lies and the deceit without getting caught?

How do I accept the shortcomings of others, while I have so many of my own, yet not let them own me and push me around?

How do I get you to listen, to really.. listen?

Growing up and becoming an adult isn't about knowing what to do when trouble erupts. Being an adult is about understanding that you may not have the answers or the ability to resolve the hard things that come our way... but striving to do the right thing, always. Being an adult doesn't mean your life appears perfect to everyone else. It doesn't mean you don't have a drinking problem, or an addiction, or broken relationships. It's about an understanding of life that only comes from living, from time, from trial and error, from our experiences, from making decisions and making choices. That's what being an adult means. I may be 20, but I've been through more than most 20-year-olds... I'd put money on that for sure. I used to not be ok with that. But I am now. Why? Because this storm is right where I'm supposed to be.

"it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

my dog of 13 years is dying and is being put to sleep in a couple weeks. sometimes when i come home at night and hear her tail wag against the carpet where she's lying, i just lay next to her and hug her and cry until my eyes dry up. i can't imagine her being gone. she's been the most loyal companion. ugh it kills me just thinking about it.

i just found out one of my best friends and my planned roommate for this fall isn't coming back to ISU because her parents won't let her. it's a total shock and neither of us saw this coming. now i'm roommate-less and wont have my best friend in my same major to be with me every day like we planned and were so excited about. i'm so upset, i haven't even begun to let it sink in completely.

my best friend here in wdm might be moving out to Colorado in the fall and living there. anybody else dear and special to me want to leave me? i mean, geez. i know this is just the kind of stuff that happens in life when you grow up and get older and friends get separated. all it means is you figure out ways to remain close even when far apart. ive had a lot of practice pretty much for the past 6 years of my life with that... doesnt make it any easier really, but, at least i know what to expect. i'm just really sad right now about everything.

not to mention i'm moving into a small apartment with my mom in a couple weeks, so my parents are actually separated pretty much and ill do the whole divorced kid thing now. even though theyre not officially divorced, it's basically the same situation.

I just don't know why God is letting all of this happen to me right now. I'm just gonna pray about it and trust in His will... i know everything will be ok... i'm just feeling all the sadness from it all, and i'm not sure how to go on like this. i have hope though.

"Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."

Learning is not for the faint of heart.

I've been thinking, a lot. Here's the kind of stuff I've been throwin' around inside my brain.

do I feel like I'm behind because I dropped out of school for the semester? yes. am i still angry and bitter about my car accident happening the first week of classes? yes, i am still angry about the timing and bitter about how up in the air my injuries were following the wreck...because that's what caused me to have to withdrawal. If I could go back and change that, yes I would. I would have continued my education and already gotten a semester of classes in my new major under my belt. But now, I have to start this fall. That's ok though. I was refunded all of my money for the semester as of this week- and I can't tell you how amazing it felt to hold that piece of official paper from ISU in my hands, telling me all of the $2500 was my parent's money again. After so much crap I went through, I hated doing it, i absolutely HATED doing it...all the running around and getting these medical documents signed and seeing this doctor to get an official letter and having to explain over and over again what happened in the accident, and it finally paid off. All my hard work finally gets rewarded. Thank you God.

I may not have been studying for exams and writing essays and papers these past 4 months, but I have been learning about life. What is more important in the long run? Education, or Life? My answer is life, although education is very far up there. I have been taking tests of my own and writing important papers and seeing what grades I get for my work. I have failed several tests. I was surprised by some of these failing grades, I was hurt, I was upset. But in school, whenever I didn't do as well as I thought I would, I went through a short "grieving" process, then moved on and just tried to do better the next time. Thus is the way I must deal with life's failures. I've realized that just because things are not the way they OUGHT to be, in some perfect world with no sin and no pain and no shame, that it does *NOT* lessen my worth and value as a member of the human race and most importantly as a child of God. People like to think how things SHOULD be. How we OUGHT to act. That 2 + 2 ALWAYS equals 4 and if it doesn't, the world has ended. That not being where we think we're supposed to be, no matter what drives us to where we think we should be, somehow means we are inadequate, that we are the opposite of good, that we are in need of being rescued. Well, my journey through life has brought me to believe these are futile thoughts, aimless roads, and vain directions. There are no equations or formulas or scientific methods to get us to where we all desire to be and need to be.

Maybe this is easier for me to understand because of the way my mind works. My brain is heavily creative, artistic and abstract in its thought-process. I don't think in charts and graphs, or numbers and analytical geometry.

I've been failing a lot of tests lately, but unlike the Iowa State students who already had their final exams, MY final exam isn't set in stone yet. I still have time. I still have time to do extra credit and get more points and get my grade up to where I want it to be. Of course, I dont have all the time in the world... it's inevitably coming for me. But, I'm not going to freak out like I used to about these things. Maybe I am actually becoming an adult. That's my biggest test, if you haven't figured it out yet. And I'm trying to prepare for my final exam the best I can.

"I may have lost my way now- haven't forgotten my way home." -lifehouse

Awesome night= good music, good fellowship, good coffee, good movie, good friends, good food, good weather, and GOOD conversation centered on GOD.

the good music was all thanks to James & James, the good fellowship came from spending quality time with Laura and all the other Salt go-ers who came to support James Squared, and the good coffee was compliments of Cafe Diem. The good movie was IRON MAN and I recommend it to anybody who likes action, comedy, and heroes. The good friends came from getting to spend the night around Zach, Aubrey, Steve and Mike. The good food came from deciding to go to Angie's Kitchen, this cute little breakfast place, at 2 a.m. and eating all the delicious breakfast foods you could think of (sausages, hash browns, eggs, omeletts, toast, french toast, etc.), and the good weather because it was a clear, pleasant evening- not too cold, not too hot, summer almost blowing into the midwest. the good conversation was the best part of the night. Zach, Aubs and I talked for what started out to be a little 10-minute thing, then turned into an hour and a half thing. The three of us have always had something special when we sit down and put our guards down and talk about what's going on and what's beneath the surface. It has been a while since all three of us had been able to do so, especially with me moving all over the place and changing locations and not being in school. But God brought us together again, and it was incredible what came from it. It pushed me to think about my goals for the next few months to come, and what I need to be working on and how I need to go about doing it. I honestly couldn't have gotten to this point of clarity amidst all the chaos in my life without the Lord speaking through Aubrey in such an encouraging, non-judgmental, loving way, and using Zach to really understand me and help me see the big picture and tell me I *CAN* do it. There's strength behind his words, and redemption behind Aubrey's. And that's all I really needed.

"I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive."

These are things I love:
Paramore, my chiropractor Kory, seeing friendships last 4 years already and continuing, the musical Wicked, smelling summer in the air, learning patience, learning how to say "No, I'm not going to do it your way just because you tell me to and expect it," designing a line of clothes inspired by Hayley Williams, and last but not least... Scrubs. yup.

I was thinking before I fell asleep last night about who of my friends are going to be where for the summer. We're getting older. Moving away and moving on with our lives is a natural part of growing up. Most of the original posse is going to be in or around the Des Moines area. But several people whom I love very much are going to be far away. We've got Jamie at Eagle Lake in Colorado, Foster in Colorado as well, Austin in Missouri for Kanakuk, my darling Bekah is in Chicago as well as Steve, Kiki and Rhonda. Bryce is also in Missouri. Mel will be moved to her dad's in Florida. Brek will be in Wisconsin. Adam is still in North Carolina. Other friends are spread around Iowa, like Laura back in her hometown, Scott and Angie in Dubuque, Austin and Noel in Muscatine, Andrew B. and Alex S. in Clarinda. My sister, Adam H., Lindsey, Josh & Steve, and Mac are all in Ames. I think that's everybody who's not in the Des Moines area for the summer.

I am definitely thankful that Aubrey, Cort, Zach, Sam, Jared, James, Mitch, Matt, Brian, Kayla, Mike & Sarah, Tim, and JR will all still be around (I believe that's correct). Maybe more, it's hard to remember everybody. I really do have a lot of friends. A lot of good, good friends.

I am ecstatic for B Barker's Westwind church to start up in June! Seriously ecstatic. I see good things coming from this church plant.

Time to go lay around and be lazy on a raindy day. Peace and love!

The world is not enough for me.

"You can take the world..... just give me You."

that's what I'm trying to live by every day. Because the world swallowed me up this semester, and let me tell you it is not the way to go. God is the only one we can count on NOT to let us down, not to hurt us, not to abandon us, not to damage us.

I didnt realize it, but I was living every day based on the acceptance of other people- even my very best friends. I wanted to be accepted and taken care of and loved, and that was it. Anything else went.

but the TRUTH is... I can still want those things- those are just universal things that all humans desire and need to live... but my ULTIMATE decision is to live every moment based on obeying, praising, glorifying, and living for the One who gave me life and has kept me alive this long, the One who loves my very inmost being and knows me more than anyone ever could.. my SAVIOR, my FATHER. Jesus Christ.

my heart will go on and on

Cool. I'm just sitting here in my bed watching Titanic as my neck is numb and immobile at the time being because I am icing it. After seeing my Chiropractor today, I now must ice my neck every day and increase water intake to flush out toxins in the body. and I have the next 3 or 4 weeks already set up with weekly appointments with my chiropractor to get my back adjusted, to get muscle stem therapy, and have them monitor my neck and back trauma i received from my car accident back in January.

I'm also sitting here with this weird little mouth splint thing in my mouth, called an Aqualizer. My dentist gave it to me to wear for a couple hours at a time every day until my jaw pain stops. I have been having major, major jaw pain on my right side, horrible soreness all the time in the joint.. whenever i open my mouth to eat or yawn it just kills. So this splint they gave me is supposed to help with the soreness, because it makes it so my teeth are resting on these two little pillow-like bubbles, which decreases the pressure in my jaw and the pain. I hope that and taking advil three times a day like he told me to will do the job.

Oh, so. I've decided, that... I am probably never going to gain weight until I am pregnant. Seriously- me trying to gain weight is like trying to unite Democrats and REpublicans- it just won't happen. I have gotten smaller in like every area you can get smaller by losing weight, and I was already a toothpick to begin with. Blahhhh. Legs, stomach, arms, hips, blah. all of it.

i had a gift card for jordan creek town center that i got over Christmas, and I finally used it up today when I was back in West Des Moines! It was SO wonderful trying on billions of things and shopping and looking around and just being able to do something I havent been able to do for a very long time.... and still won't be able to do after this. I got 2 dresses from Forever 21 and a new hippie headwrap, a denim skirt, new sunglasses, and a really cute summer shirt from Delia's, and 2 new pairs of shoes from Payless. and i LOVE everything I got. And i really do look stunning wearing the stuff. yay. fashion! <3

im about to conk out. blah. night.

tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air...

I'm just gonna throw some questions out there.


...do our scars ever go away? i mean, really?

...how do we keep trusting when doing just that leaves a person hurt over and over again?

...how do you just STOP feeling a certain way? like trying to stop a powerful waterfall from rushing down a mountain the way it naturally always has... is it even possible?

...why do we judge other people when we KNOW as Christians it says in the Bible only GOD can judge us?

...why did God make guys and girls SO different from each other?

...how do you trust men after being cheated on, lied to, and torn down? honestly.....how.

...when do you know who your soulmate is, and what if you already think you know who it is? do you keep it to yourself? do you wait? do you tell them? do you let it pass you by? do you do nothing? how do you know it won't change someday?

Ok enough questions for now.

My neck is in bad shape again from car accident trauma. It's amazing how by not dealing with the emotional pain, it physically affects you so many weeks after you think you're done dealing with it. but really, by pushing it out of your mind and not processing it completely, you're just putting off the total recovery and total healing process. So I have weekly chiropractor appointments now back in West Des Moines when I go back for my other appointments every week. I can't wait to see my chiropractor tomorrow and start working on recovering fully!

blah.

call me a little angry, whatever.

"Hi, my name is ____ _______. I like to pretend I have your best interest in mind, but really I am just covering up how messed up my own life is and don't care one bit about yours. I also like to pretend I am one of the most righteous guys you'll ever come across, but really I am just a judgmental, narrow-minded LIAR who cheats on beautiful girls in order to assure myself that I am the shiz and they can't get enough of me, therefore I am in control and I get my way- which is really all I want. Do I feel bad about ruining their ability to trust men ever again? Most people probably would, but I am different, I am above all the rest, so no, I don't feel bad. I also really love to hear myself talk and, above all, be right. If someone interrupts me, I basically go ape-crazy on them and lose my temper and all gentleness I let you believe I have inside of me. Mostly, I just like to lead you to believe all these things I really am not, so when you figure out the truth, your life will pretty much be damaged forever and you're on your own to put it back together because I will somehow spin everything around to be ALL YOUR FAULT. I am one amazing guy, that's for sure. Have a great day. Love, ____ _______.

I'm alive

Random thoughts:

I've never loved a job or group of people at a job more than I do at the Ames Express. and I also never thought I would ever truly get to this point, but I find myself increasing in my love and passion for fashion and being an associate with Limited Brands. It's so awesome!!!

I always enjoy getting my haircut, and not just like trimmed or barely cut.. but like going from really long to a lot shorter and what not, just to change things up! So that's what I did a couple weeks ago w/ Bekah, butttttt I already want my hair to be the long length it was before.. I miss it and can't wait for it to grow out again!

I'm kind of becoming a hippie with my style. Basically all of Veishea week, I was dressed all hippie-ish, it was awesome haha.. I love the vibe and people come up to me and ask me about it- it's sweet.

I had an Associate Observation Assessment today at work and it went super great, and I'm learning even more about managing a business like Express. It's amazing to me how much goes on and how awesome it feels to be apart of something so special.

I'm really stressed out about things back in West Des Moines. Our glen oaks home is in foreclosure and we'll lose it in a few months, but we need to be out as soon as possible pretty much. It's not so much a sentimental attachment to the physical being of the house itself, more so just the fact that I will once again be living in a new place and the instability is kind of getting to me. I've pretty much given up on "living comfortably" as I used to know it.. I mean I wouldn't say I'm living UNcomfortably, but I'm definitely not living like I used to. I just wish I could know right NOW where I will actually be living come May. I pray my mom finds an afforadable appartment... ugh.

I've decided that after slipping on some responsible and good decisions this past week, I'm going to change that immediately and not go back to it again. I just came to this point, driving back to my house at like 5 am, exhausted, where I literally asked out loud- "what am I... doing?!" I believe that's what you call conviction from the Holy Spirit, and I'm glad that my God cares for me enough to get through to us in those ways. Anyway, the partying life is STRESSFUL and EXHAUSTING. My life is stressful and exhausting enough already- I can have fun without drinking, I did it for 19 years of my life and proved it.

I had a really helpful talk with Shelli tonight after I got home from work. She really, really, really helped me put something into perspective that has been hurting me a ton lately. It still hurts a lot, but at least I know I will be ok someday.

Withdrawing from this semester at ISU was the best choice I've ever made. I've really been learning how faithful God is in taking care of His children, and taking care of me. Broken, messed up, disastrous ME. I've seen how obeying His will and trusting in Him really does make everything fall into place just how it's meant to. Like how withdrawing allowed me to focus on recovering from my car accident, and learning how to spend time taking care of myself and grow, and how to be free from the chains of lies that were holding me down in darkness. Withdrawing also led to freedom from a destructive relationship, as well as finding an amazing new friend and sister and future roommate. Withdrawing ALSO led to me discovering a new career direction and educational path- the fashion design industry.

basically, i love life.

fourweeks.

And here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back
These words and hold our breath
Forget the things we swore we meant

I'll write you just to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

And here we go again
With all the things we did
And now I'm wondering
Just who would I have been
To be the one attached at all time to your hip
Forget the things we swore we meant

I'll write you just to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

I'll write you to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

Here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back...
-Paramore




Yeah.

threeweeksandoneday

I usually remember dreams and nightmares in vivid detail, ever since I was just a wee little Emily. I wouldn't say any of my nightmares were "night terrors" or anything of that sort. I know I went through a phase growing up in which I was deathly afraid of our basement downstairs (in our old house) and I thought there were monsters whenever the lights were turned off in my room. However, I would conquer those fears by changing which bunk I slept on. Yeah. I had a sweet red bunk bed when I was little. And I geniously thought, that if I slept on the top bunk the monsters wouldn't be able to reach me- so I was in the clear and could sleep soundly. When I got a little older, I reasoned that monsters are actually very tall creatures and therefore would not see me if I were to sleep on the BOTTOM bunk, so I switched and eventually got over the fear of the dark and pretend monsters.

I've never really had that dream where you're falling. I've never had the dream when all your family members die. I've never had violent, bloody nightmares really.

But the past two nights, I have experienced the most terrifying nightmares I've ever had. Wednesday night, I actually woke up several times from the nightmares- one time I had tears flowing down my face. Another time I actually YELLED "no!!!!!!" really loud and then quickly realized it wasn't just in my sleep, but I had actually yelled out loud in terror, then I tried to fall back asleep. Then another time I awoke in a cold sweat. Over and over again, I dreamt of my car accident that occurred on January 16th this year.

Starting with the initial realization and feelings of your motor vehicle sliding out of control and fishtailing back and forth on a snowy interstate going 55 m.p.h. Then the wave of momentum that spun my car in a 360 degree turn, staring out my windshield at the semi-truck coming straight at me. 2 seconds later, the crunch, the deafening sound of metal on metal and seeing car parts flying off the front of my car. My car sliding to a hault right before smashing into the concrete guardrail in the middle of the interstate. Not being able to move for a minute, because I thought I had died. Then screaming and crying at the same time, becoming totally aware I was all alone. Somebody running over to my car. Not being able to open my driver's side door more than an inch because of the damage. This guy asking me over and over again if I was ok. Me looking at him and not really being aware that I kept saying, yeah, yeah i'm fine, i'm ok. Looking at this person and realizing he was not my sister or a friend or my mom and then immediately reaching for my cell phone to call them. My heat didnt work. The snow was falling outside and I began to shiver and didn't have anything for extra heat. I saw the semi-truck about a fourth of a mile down the interstate on the shoulder. I thought, did that thing just hit me? Traffic had slowed and cars were moving past me on the interstate, staring in at me as they passed, and I thought back to all the times I've driven by a car wreck and been the slowly moving car peering at the car wreck victims wondering what happened and if they were going to be ok.

The semi-truck moving fast. Trying to slow down. the hit. the sound. the silence and blur of what happened exactly after the collision. I have no idea what my body did or any memory whatsoever of the moment after it happened. I don't remember how my car slid from point A in the far left lane to point B on the median shoulder 30 feet ahead. Somewhere in there, my muscles tightened and didnt release until 1 month of physical therapy went by.

The past two nights I've been suffering in my sleep from these visions of terror. I woke up last night actually gasping out of fear of thinking a truck was actually going to smash into me in my sleep. I've been having pounding, migraine-like headaches and neckaches that might make me have to get more physical therapy. I guess trauma can come back to the body after it's "gone away" for a while.

I want my nightmares to stop. :(