"i'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears..."

i'm in over my head.

for once, i'd like to just be able to decide something and think about something without tapping into my feelings. anyone who knows me at all, knows that i'm a feeler. i feel a lot, and thats just how i am. i feel things deeper than others, i feel things longer than others. my feelings affect what i think to a great extent. and for once, i wish i didnt feel so easily. i wish i could just decide something based on logic, and facts, and concrete things. not abstract things, not optomistic, unrealistic dreams based on emotions and feelings.

what if i'm sick of playing it safe all the time? maybe i need to seriously consider changing around my life so that i'm not so safe and comfortable all the time. maybe it's time for me to really grow up, to be catapulted somewhere where i'm not constantly surrounded by known and familiar things and people. but i'm so scared of the unknown, and i'm so scared of letting go. i'm scared of giving up my comfort to gain something else, no matter how great the gain. i cant decipher my path, my brain cant wrap itself around the mysteries of life. i need God, my Father in heaven to guide me and show me the way. if nothing else, i pray He would make my path straight and clear, and that He would make it known to me. because I'm just wandering around aimlessly, confused, when I try to decide myself what i'm supposed to do and where i'm supposed to go and which path is my own.

maybe right now, all i'm doing is doing what everyone else thinks i'm supposed to do. and honestly, i couldnt tell you what *I* think about what I should do and where I should go. *I* dont even know where to begin. I follow my heart and my head follows, trying to come up with reasonable excuses and explanations for my actions. I need direction and I need affirmation, I need a committment before I completely change the course of my path... i need a promise. will it be given to me?

i cant put blind trust in someone if i'm making such big changes in my life, that affect my entire future. but what if thats the problem? i cant, but, maybe i can? or maybe im just supposed to try.

i'm lost.