I hate this.

I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes, just staring at the screen in front of me. I can’t think of words to use for this situation. All I can think of is how I feel. And I don’t feel good. I feel pain, deep inside my heart. I feel pain for their family. The pain stretches throughout my entire body it seems like. I can’t really feel my legs or my arms right now, they’re kind of numb. Everything around me is still and quiet, even with Guster blaring from my laptop as I type this. My eyes are heavy, and they burn every now and then as tears brim over at random times. I feel trance-like. My brain seems to be processing at a slower pace than normal. I’m breathing steadily, but my breaths feel shallow.

At dinner tonight, I felt like everyone was moving in slow motion around me. I was just sitting there, but I didn’t feel like I was actually there. I watched people walk by my table and walk through the lines in the UDCC, gathering food for their meals. I watched them sit at their tables and talk to their friends. Every time I saw a person walk by, I wondered if they would someday decide to end their lives like he did. I wondered if they were depressed right now. I wondered if they felt hopeless enough to bring death upon themselves, to bring pain upon their bodies, unnecessary and terrible pain. With each person who passed by, I wondered if their smiles were hiding something, or if their smiles were just smiles. I wondered if their eyes always looked so empty, so lifeless. I felt better when I saw eyes full of life and hope every now and then. But some people made me wonder. I wondered if their eyes were true reflections of their hearts, or if they were misleading. Suicide is just another statistic now that we have to grow up being aware of, and it’s another statistic we have to stand up to and beat down. I just couldn’t stop thinking if the person I just watched walk away would wake up tomorrow and decide life wasn’t worth living. I couldn’t stop thinking if the person I just watched get ketchup for their fries would be a wife to her husband and a mother to her kids one day, and then wake up one day at the age of 55 and just end it all. I wondered if she would shoot her brain stem out, and die from suffocation, or hang herself, or overdose on pain medications, or (insert way of killing yourself here).

Suicide makes me sad. I am overcome with sadness right now. You could almost call it sorrow. I feel so much pain for them. I’m mad. I’m mad that people give up when there's still hope but they just can't see it. I’m sad. I’m so sad it happened. I’m frustrated no one prevented this from happening. I hate suicide. I hate it. I'm so, so sad.