...and I'll never let this go.

Man... does anyone else feel like they need a good week-long break from school and stuff? Or is that just me? Ok maybe it's just me... but that's how I feel. And the closest break we have is Thanksgiving. It's in November. It's September now. Oh goodness.

There's so much that I have to do! Things just swirl around in my mind constantly it seems... medical tests, start my tutor job, write an essay, make appointments- doctor and teacher both, law & politics exams, make sure I'm doing everything possible to prevent more sickness, read pages of court cases, read chapters in books, finish a book by next Tuesday. And out of it all, I have to figure out what's most important, and how everything follows. I would say right now my health is priority one. Mostly because everything else can't really happen when I am bed-ridden... shocking, isn't it. Then there's the little stuff. Like, clean my room so there isn't week-old soup sitting out on the table, and actually wash my clothes every once and a while.

I'm 19 years old, and I just want everyone to know that I still have trouble taking care of myself.

My latest assignment in my Creative-Nonfiction writing class was to write a personal essay. I missed out on a week's worth of class, in which we discussed and read examples of what personal essays are and how you write one... you know, tone, style, composition, all the basics. So I lacked confidence in writing my own, but I just kept writing because I had this burst of inspiration I couldn't ignore... I ended up writing a 4,400-word story that had me in tears half the time I spent writing it because it was so personal and made me re-live a lot of painful memories in my life. But the product is something... I am really proud of. I don't even know yet if I can turn it in as my personal essay, because of its length. But I think it's one of the best things I've ever written. I threw myself into it at 110 percent, I didn't hold back. At times, I wanted to throw my laptop across the room I was so mad, because I wanted to go to bed and wanted to stop writing but I just couldn't stop. And I'm glad I didn't stop. I don't think it would have turned out the same. I'd like to put it on here... but... it has some names in it and I'm not sure if I should put it on here for anyone to read. I don't know. It's really personal. But if you want to read it and you're a friend, let me know. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

I just think it's so crazy that I look back on my life and I have all these stories. And I have some pretty action-packed, evocative, intense stories... not gonna lie. And to think, I'm going to have so many more stories in like 50 years. Gosh that's crazy.

I've been sick a lot. Understatement. I'm sick pretty much all the time. If you're standing next to me and I don't act sick, it's because I'm acting like I'm not sick. Brief moments-- I'm lucky if it turns into a few hours-- I actually feel GOOD again and healthy and whole... but goodness, they don't last long enough. The worst part about being sick all the time, is being sick all the time and not knowing WHY you're sick all the time. I have some guesses. We have some appointments that are soon going to be made with hospitals and doctors, but nothing is certain right now. All I know is that my body hurts and needs help all throughout the week, for several weeks now. Kidney pain. Shooting pains in places you don't want to hear about. Headaches. Nausea. Sedation. Fevers. Muscle spasms. Backaches. Fatigue. Faintness. Dizziness. That the-room-is-spinning-so-much-I-can't-stand-up feeling... ya know. all that good stuff.

God, I know this is supposed to make me stronger, but all I feel is weak.

I'll be ok. I just have to take it one day at a time. And I am. Tonight I had to leave a show early because I felt like I was going to fall over I was so faint and I got feverish and a splitting headache, but hey- I drove home and tried to focus and not hit another car (I didn't, yayy) and I've been lying down on my futon mattress for almost 3 and a half hours now. I'm doing alright. I can do this. I can wake up tomorrow morning and go to church with Nick. I'll be fine!

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
--James 1:12

I'm trying. <3