"I'm afraid you sparked a nerve in me"

I still feel like I'm in the middle of a deadly storm, but I feel like I can see the end of it now. Somewhere off in the distance. It isn't close, but it isn't out of sight.

I've gone through more trials and suffering in the past month than I think I have ever gone through the past 18 years of my life. I've had it harder than ever before. I think I can say I've had it a lot harder than a lot of people around me. In hindsight, I still believe that everything I've been dealing with has happened for a reason and God chose this path for me and so I will walk it faithfully. But it has not been without struggle. It has not been without brokenness. I dealt with it the way I always deal with things. I go through it kicking and screaming, fighting and resisting like a stubborn mule. I go through it thinking, "how will I ever overcome this? why me? this isn't fair. i can't do this." I feel hopeless, I feel low. I feel dark, lonely, and all alone. But God doesn't give up on me, and neither do my friends and the people who love me. Above all, though, God keeps calling to me to come out of my pain and the darkness and into His arms. And finally, I'm answering. There is always that moment, that day when you realize you have to respond, you can't ignore it any longer and keep living the way you are, dependent on things that won't fix you like God can.

I'm starting to feel like I'm being me again, like I'm being Emily. I'm smiling up at the cloudy sky and it isn't closing in on me making me feel small and insignificant. I'm happy. :)