a beautiful disaster

I have this overbearing feeling that because of my past, the adults and close friends who know what went on, have a heightened sense of concern and worry when it comes to me. This increases feelings of incapability, helplessness, and powerlessness. While concern is something I am grateful for from people I know who love me and just want the best for me, there comes a time when I must move forward and everyone else must also move forward, because if you don't then your worry becomes my fear. stop giving me looks that say you don't believe i am capable, because i AM capable. stop expecting me to fail, and stop expecting me NOT to fail as if it's the worst thing that could happen. Stop being so faithless. It does no help for the ones who have fallen and need to learn how to get up on their own, and it does no help for yourself because you become a doubting Thomas. Lamesauce.

These past 6 months have been the most horrific months of my 19 years of life, hands down. I have had one thing thrown at me after another after another after another- no break, no time in-between to recover and brace for the next one, just one shot after another wearing me thinner and thinner. And actually, that is not just in a metaphorical sense, but a literal sense too. Ever since my wisdom teeth removal surgery at the beginning of December, I had several things happened in a row that caused me to lose a great amount of weight (for someone as little as I already was). I tried and tried to eat enough to stop losing the weight, but it just couldn't be done. And now, here I am, and what just happened over the past 5 days?? A child passed on a lovely flu bug to me and had me hanging over my bed with my head in a wastebasket from 9:30 a.m. until 9:30 p.m. on Sunday. Fever, chills, muscle aches everywhere, chest pain, sore throat, exhaustion and fatigue. Needless to say, eating was a bit difficult when I would even puke up WATER. More weight was lost. My doctor already saw me last week and said my BMI is too low and gave me a certain amount of weight i HAVE to gain within the next 3 months. All of this has added up to a lot of frustration and stress. I hate that everywhere I look there is an advertisement for weight LOSS, when all I want and desperately need to do is GAIN.

I am one of those weird, artsy, creative souls... you know, the free-spirited kind that just wants to be free like a bird and be able to fly wherever it chooses and change its mind whenever it feels like changing its mind and just going wherever, whenever, doing whatever. I understand the reality of life is that there ARE limits. But when I start to feel like all I'm getting are limits thrown in my face, holding me down and holding me back, making me... stuck, I get so restless and just want to get free from it all. I'm open. I'm open in the way I relate to people, I'm open in the way that my emotions can be read by others, I'm open to new countries, new languages, new people, new ideas, new experiences. I love FRESH stuff. My energy comes from just having openness as an option. This doesn't mean I don't ever curl up with an old back I've read 50 times just to read it again, and this doesn't mean I don't want to keep and sustain relationships with people for the long haul- for forever. Because I do for both of those. But... give me ADVENTURE, give me FREEDOM, give me something that's not going to hold me in chains to where I'm at. The way I feel like I am right now.

That's why things have to change. I love change. I also hate it. but this time, I love it. I welcome it. I embrace it with both arms. I'm OPEN to it.

I'm finally figuring out who I really am, and who I've been all along.