march madness indeed

Well, I think an update is in order. I've been terrible at writing in this thing lately... oops.

In the health category, the past month has not been my favorite, to say the least. I had "early-on insomnia" (what my doctor called it) for about 3 weeks. When I finally began to get that under control, my kidney stone problems decided to act up quite a bit and have been going on for 2 weeks now or so. I went to the doctor over my spring break (last week), and ended up getting 2 shots- meningitis (should have gotten this last summer), and gardisil (for cervical cancer prevention.. gotta love being a girl). I also had blood drawn and, my favorite, gave a nice little urine sample. I was sort of hoping one of those results would explain my constant pain from kidney problems and such, but, that all came back COMPLETELY normal (whatever...). However, I get back to ISU and my first day back I get a call from my doctor with my lab results, saying that I might have something called "Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome"-- which made my day for sure. No.. on the contrary, I almost had a meltdown when I found out. Like I really need some other medical condition on my plate right now- it's already full as it is, do I really need another disorder dealing with "down there", which is oh so pleasant let me tell you, and do I really need another reason to get more tests... which means more doctors... more uncomfortable prodding and poking... more ultrasounds... more pills... more decisions that will affect the rest of my life and my well-being!

it's all too much. certainly too much for me to handle right now. but this is the reality of life for me right now, i have to deal with this stuff. so i'm going to, and i'll try to do it with a perspective that when this is all done and over- all the pain and the stress will be forgotten and i will be better because of the strength it took me to get through it all. There's only thing that REALLY bothers me about the possibility of having PCOS. How can I explain this... ok.. I'm young and I'm one of the few young adults out there who is not sexually active and will remain that way until i'm married, which means there really is NO need for me to get a "pap smear" (seriously... why) , or go see a gynecologist, have doctors "all up in my grill" (if you know what i'm sayin) and make sure i'm "OK" down there. Of course I'll understand when I need to do these necessary things when I'm ready to have kids- but right now? freshman in college? i don't think so. And why I'm bothered, is because the only way to know if I have PCOS is to do exactly what I just told you I don't want to do. Lame. At the end of this phone call from my doctor, she was kind of like- so what do you want to do?..... haha, I was like "well i'm still kind of taking this all in, so.. uh, I'm gonna talk to my mom and figure this out."

I'm trying to stay light-hearted about it. I use humor as a defense mechanism whenever I feel like there's a possibility I might be "attacked" about any of my "health problems"... and attacked can be used loosely- meaning, questioned about it in any way, or even worse- when i'm talking to someone and they DON'T ask me about it. I feel uncomfortable, so, in defense, I humorously mention something regarding my disease, disorder, condition- whatever. It's weird. I've recently realized that I do this, even though I've been doing it now for 5 years or so.. ever since the kidney stone disease was first diagnosed. So i'm trying to stay light-hearted about this new syndrome, as well as with the others, but, I can't say right now that I'm content. I'm just not. And... that's just me being honest. I'm not in a place right now where I can say that amidst all these health problems that affect me emotionally and psychologically, as well as physically, I'm ok with everything. because... darn it, I'm just not. But i'm trying to not complain. I'm trying soooooooooo hard. Usually it just ends up in me not saying ANYTHING. which, in the end, just doesn't work for me, because then I feel like I can't express myself, and I get all in a tizzy about that because i'm all about expressing myself, especially through using words whether in speaking or writing. In conclusion, I don't know, I guess I just need to talk to God about all this because I haven't lately and so I don't have much clarity about the situation and I feel all messed up inside because of it. So, that's where I'm at right now.

I got a job yesterday. WOOO! Seriously- big answer to prayer for my family. I am a tutor for America Reads/America Counts, so I will help elementary kids learn how to read and do math :-). I basically walked into the interview feeling very prepared and confident, and answered all her questions perfectly and with ease. It was great, really. It's because this job is seriously the most perfect job in the world for a person like me. I absolutely LOVE kids, I love to help them and I have a huge heart for them. I have a great passion for being a good role model to younger kids, I love to read, I'm patient with kids, and I have a huge desire to help kids learn how to believe in themselves- so they think they CAN achieve something, and so they WILL achieve it. I definitely believe that's a huge part of learning. Having someone believe in you and help you along the way is a great way to help secure a better future for someone who may not think they can get there.

I'm gonna go play soccer with Erin outside for a little.... it's so nice out, i just have to get out and enjoy it. I'll write more later. Lots to catch up on.