"i'm afraid we've lost the way..."

it's funny... you don't really know what it feels like to be financially insecure and desperate for money until it actually happens to you. until your main provider of the family really is unemployed for a year and a half. until every situation in your life somehow ends up being connected to your money problem. It's like, somehow, the financial issue consumes every part of your life... because you can't "conquer" money - money conquers us. we NEED it to survive, literally. and I hate that. I finally understand what it's like to be on "the other side" of the wealth fence. It's truly affecting my life.

I will keep it in perspective though, that I am still far from being as financially insecure as some people I know, and, many people I don't know. All I know is that money is running out in my family. And because of it, I am now constantly fearful of what's going to happen next. I don't know if we can keep our house in Glen Oaks. I don't know how much longer we can pay the mortgage to be in such a nice house when everything else is so tight. I don't know how much longer my mom's 2 paychecks coming in can keep us able to pay all the bills. I'm always fearful of spending the tiniest amount of money. I won't go see a movie. Movies are out. Being raised the way I was makes this change in spending money a huge deal. I was never afraid of running out, but suddenly I'm always scared and aware of the risk of buying that cup of coffee putting me $4 less than if I didn't buy it at all.

I grew up having lots of "material" things in my life. I grew up having "nice" things. I don't care about having nice things now, I don't care about material things of life. There are certain things I cannot live without that I suppose are luxury items for lots of people, like a digital camera and a cell phone.. but for America those things are average. But honestly I get kind of mad when I hear people getting all concerned about having the nicest of this item, and the nicest of that. I don't know, I'm just sensitive I guess. I don't expect anyone to understand what I've written here unless they have experienced what I've experienced, so don't try to understand because it will probably just make me upset. Because there are just some things certain people can never truly understand.

Life goes on.