when I'm with you there's no point in breathing!

[Scene: in the laundry room]
[Music: "What Would You Say" --Dave Matthews Band]


I'm sitting here
just killing time
listening to the hum and buzz
of life around me, oh life
it grabs and pulls
at the threads of my heart
so delicate

I'm killing time
but time may kill me first
'cause I'm so out of breath
I need a rest
while time has this uncanny ability
to keep going on forever
no stopping or resting
so cruel to my heart.
---------------------------------
[Scene: laying out in the grass, central campus Sunday afternoon]
[Music: "Big Eyed Fish"-Dave, "Give It Up"-The Format, "Tie The Rope"-TF]

Here's what's frustrating to me right now. When it comes to liking someone of the opposite sex... there are so many dimensions of how two people connect, and so many different levels of those dimensions. And so many intensities of each. You start with the three broadest dimensions of course-- Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual. You need all three to work. Then those three each branch off into other dimensions and levels, like with Emotional... you've then got aspects of...

Intellect- do your minds think alike? do they think differently? do you connect in intelligent conversation with one another? is one of you much smarter than the other? do you each have a willingness to learn, problem solve, etc?
Common interests/likes & dislikes- do you share some? what are they? do your interests contradict one another, or provide opportunity to grow closer? can you have fun together?
Personality- do your personalities mesh with each other? is one dominant, one submissive, or both of the same? do your personalities compliment the other? do you bring out the positive or negative in the other?

See what I mean? Those are just a few sub-dimensions of the Emotional dimension that I could think of. Then, with all of those sub-dimensions, there are different levels of intensity with each. Like, do you have so much in common that you can share together that you connect at an incredibly deep level, so much that it turns into romance and not just platonic relations? With different levels of these dimensions, it plays a part in deciphering friend vs. more than friend, especially with, say, the Physical dimension.

My frustrations come from a situation where "the big 3" aren't ALL there... but I really, really WANT them to be there. No matter what I do, they're just not. And I'm left here kind of thinking... I'm hopeless. Like no matter what, I'll never have that one guy that connects with me in all 3 dimensions and to the fullest extent. I feel like I can keep meeting new guys and maybe have more relationships with them, but I'll never find that one guy that loves me in all 3 ways and a guy that I love in all 3 ways. One guy will have the physical and the emotional aspect, but no spiritual- and that just kills it for me completely. One guy may have the emotional and the spiritual- but no physical attraction or chemistry WHATSOEVER. One guy may have the physical and the spiritual- but can't connect with me on an emotional level at all. Do you see what I mean...?? So many possibilities, but it seems so impossible to find a complete combination. So you see.... I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated to a point where I am contemplating how freaking impossible it seems to find a person you have a connection with in all the necessary dimensions, sub-dimensions, and with enough intensity to stay... as well as enough intensity to have the capacity to love forever.

Sometimes I think about how much I really just want to skip the whole "dating" part and go straight to freakin' marriage. Not even kidding. But right now, I'm honestly scared out of my damn mind that I might never find true love, and never even get to marriage. It all just seems so impossible, and that overwhelms the crap out of me!