I don't know what to title this.

lost in the brokenness
despair in my heart
if these walls could talk
only screams you would hear

anguished flames upon my tongue
hopeless and without refuge am I
piercing words break through my skin
relentless dysfunction woes my soul
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Yeah. I knew this time would come. Upon my arrival back home for the summer, I prepared myself for one thing that I was certain would happen eventually, if not the day I arrived back home or weeks later or what. That one thing was the continuing dissolution of my parent's marriage. It is the one thing my sister and I have fought for 4 or maybe even 5 years now. It has its good days and bad days. Sometimes the days turn into weeks, sometimes months. Sometimes things... are good for a while. Sometimes they go sour. And stay that way for quite some time. It is something that will always haunt my soul, and I'm being blatantly honest here. The instability and constant shifting of how their relationship was doing has worked hard against my sister and I, since we were just starting out as teenagers, to break our entire family into pieces. It has ravaged my heart for 5 long years and I am tired of it. I am tired of a problem never getting resolved with concrete solutions that are possible, probable, and hopeful. I am tired of the unnecessary hate and the strife that has embedded itself into my home and my life. I can't take anymore depressing holidays, where we are supposed to be celebrating life with family members who love each other and treat each other with love, but instead it turns into a father's screaming fit of rage and a mother's bitter tears, and their children's hearts torn in two.

I ask my Heavenly Father for help, but this war is still going on without hope for any help at all. I have asked Him to save my parents' marriage for 5 years now, and it has only worsened. Honestly, how am I supposed to trust God now? I ask you, HOW do I keep believing that this poisonous environment I live in for the next 3 months is somehow apart of God's plan- a plan that is supposed to not HARM me (Jeremiah, anyone?). It's too far. It's too deep. I've been harmed enough already. There's no way I can trust God right now. none.