I am one of the unlucky people who have been cursed with "the middle syndrome", as I lovingly like to call it. In almost every big situation that comes up in my life, things never seem to go one way or the other. I am always left in the middle. If it's a bad situation, it's never to the one extreme or the other, it's always just- eh, sort of. Typical things that come from having the middle syndrome might go like this:
Example 1: So there's this guy. You could say I have him, but then again I wouldn't say I have him... completely. He's mine, but....... he's kinda not.
Example 2: Things are bad enough with my parents to make me have to sleep somewhere else every now and then if one night is particularly bad, but not bad enough to make me find a permanent new home/real help, and not good enough to go at least a few months without having a bad night of verbal abuse where I find myself crying on my friend's doorstep needing a place to sleep for the night.
Example 3: I finally find myself in a relationship with a significant other, someone I can really see myself staying with for a long time, someone I can really see myself falling in love with maybe someday... but did I mention we can't really do that whole "dating" thing? 1200 miles of space in between us kind of restricts that.
Example 4: I used to dream about being a professional soccer player for my career someday. I was on the road to potentially making it happen. I was so passionate about my dream of someday becoming it, but, turns out I was only good at soccer. Not amazing. I'm not bad or fair, but I'm not freaking awesome either. Just good. Just in the middle of two extremes.
When the middle syndrome strikes, life becomes stagnant. It also loses some of its color, to be honest. When I can't move left or right, all I can do is remain in-between. When I can't move, I get restless. When I'm restless, I need growth or change or progression. To grow, change or progress, I need to move (I mean this in the metaphorical sense). Vicious cycle, perhaps?
I miss being up at college and the people I only get to see when I'm at ISU, but I am loving the summer fun I get to experience being home for 3 months while I'm not at college. So I'm just kind of in the middle of feeling one way or the other. That's not a very strong example, but, it works. I'm not very focused today, so my writing will reflect my lack of focus accordingly.
Take my kidney disease, for example. It's a life-long medical disorder, yes. But it only happens here and there, every now and then. It's a health issue that may force me to be bed-ridden for a few days, but it's not like something that forces me to be in the hospital for months on end. And obviously it's not a health issue that happened once and will never happen again. So, two extremes... but mine is just somewhere in-between. It's bad. But there's worse out there. It causes excruciating pain for a certain period of time, it causes depression and instability in my life, but it doesn't like paralyze me or cause me pain every day of my life. Eh, it's just kinda there- sometimes it acts up, sometimes it's fine.
Maybe once you become aware of the middle syndrome in your life, it makes you see the "middle" of every aspect. Because it seems to me right now that everything I think of can now somehow come back to this idea of being in an immobile state, being in the middle... moving neither this way nor that way. One of the side-effects maybe...?
Maybe this is of my own doing, or un-doing. Maybe this is all really about the part inside of me that is being pulled two different ways, and I am unable to satisfy both pulls so I just sit still and do neither. What I mean is, maybe it's a conflict inside of me that occurs when I try to be logical, rational, and realistic about an issue, and at the same time try to be optimistic, hopeful, and unrealistic... which results in a stalemate. an ugly stalemate. So that's the middle syndrome, for those of you who maybe have not experienced it [yet].
---
This is what I want to be able to say:
"Drowning
Just as fast as I can
But don't throw me a line
Don't reach out your hand, cause
I'm on the brink of something BEAUTIFUL
And I WANT TO SING ABOUT IT
But I don't know where to begin
Writing a letter
But the words don't
Come out right
Trying to explain how
Nobody can do me like
You don't understand
How helpless I can get
SINCE THE DAY THAT WE MET
OH, CAN YOU FEEL IT YET?
It's never been more perfect being alive.
I've never been so satisfied, oh, oh, oh
I can feel something
Different from the first time
HEAVEN MADE SENSE
AND ALL THE WORDS RHYME
No chance of stopping now
I'm taking it all
And now I'm caught in the air
It's a good life
Pass it up, wouldn't dare
oh what a wild ride
I remember being
Ready and waiting to fall
Just like I did tonight
Spinning
Around and around
Until my left was my right
And up became down
JUST ONE LOOK CAN
KNOCK ME OFF OF MY FEET
SO UNABLE TO SPEAK
OH, HOW YOU MAKE ME WEAK
Though it was a while ago
I still can recall
That moment's all ready
And waiting to fall
Keep thinking back in time
Remembering when
YOU CAPTURED MY HEART
OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's never been more perfect being alive.
I've never been so satisfied, oh, oh, oh
I can feel something
Different from the first time
Heaven made sense
When all the words rhyme
No chance of stopping now
I'm taking it all
And now I'm caught in the air
It's a good life
Pass it up, I wouldn't dare
oh what a wild ride
I remember being
Ready and waiting to fall
Just like I did tonight." --MAE
I'm just going to be honest and frank...
I don't like being single right now. I don't like it at all.
Ha. Some people I know for sure would choose this time to laugh at me
and shake their head and say...
"you're never really content, Emily."
It's true.
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