"We made plans to be UNBREAKABLE..."

[Beginning Music: “We're So Far Away” –Mae]

This is a “first” for me… the whole moving back home from college for the summer. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know how I would feel. I didn’t know how I would cope with the change. No matter what kind of change it is, I pretty much know that I’m going to be in extreme emotional shock for a little while, then do a lot of writing and mulling things over in my head, and eventually return to “normal.”

Wednesday, May 2^nd, was my last night to spend with the “Helser gang.” It was nothing special. We did what we always did. We moved from room to room, sitting for a while, watching tv, drinking mountain dew, talking, playing video games... we got crazy for a little while, ran in the hallway, played soccer in the hallway… no big deal. Melanie and I ran around being loud and took pictures with the guys, Brek mooned everyone a couple times, Luke had a good laugh out of me tasting straight vodka from his mountain dew bottle (if it makes you feel any better, it tasted NASTY…), and Chris was of course lame and went to bed early forcing Steve to shut off all the lights in their room and be silent… like I said, no big deal ;) . The next day I would wake up to say goodbye to the one person I didn’t want to say goodbye to. Thursday morning arrived, and I pulled myself out of bed around 9:30. At 9:55, I transported myself one floor down, turned the corner, and walked to the end of the hallway and into Steve’s room for the last time. He was getting some of his last things together to pack up before checking out and leaving for his home in Illinois. I sat there on the dirty Helser mattress while he did this, and we talked a little and joked around… I’m not very chatty right after I wake up, so I was trying my hardest to not just sit there and sulk. Then his mom and little brother came up, the CA Bryan officially checked Steve out of his room that is so full of memories, and... it was time to say goodbye. I wish I could have said something amazing, like some great departing words for him to think about on his drive home that would make him think about me. Instead, I just kind of smiled and said “goodbye,” as he walked over and pulled me into his arms and hugged me. I’ve tried to explain the way this hug was played out to others, but I don’t think any explanation can adequately describe the way it made me feel deep inside. First off, let it be known that the best hugs are hugs between a girl and a guy whose bodies just FIT together. Like my head fitting in the crook between his face and his shoulder, and his being able to lightly squeeze the side and top of mine. It just fits, like we are two puzzle pieces and our pieces just go together. So anyway, the initial squeeze phase began, and I never wanted it to end. Even though I didn’t want it to end, I knew it had to. Plus, I was afraid of holding on too long and making it awkward so at that point I realized, “oh I should let go probably…” and I faintly decreased the amount of hugging pressure being applied (hah, so scientific sounding.. I know), but… he kept holding on. He kept holding on! Later I would realize that phenomenal hugging experience to equal horrible pain in my heart. But right at that moment, it was more like bliss. So I remained where I was, and waited for him to decide when the right time was to let go… which was fine by me. When it did end, that was it. He walked a few steps to grab his backpack and a couple other things and join his mom and little brother, and we exchanged what I like to call “offerings of sweet condolence”… where I said something along the lines of, “hey if you’re ever in Des Moines… you better give me a call!” with a little laugh (which really meant, hey please come to Des Moines and see me, please!!!!!), and him and his mom assured that if I was ever in Chicago I should of course give them a call (which really meant, it’s probably not going to happen, but the offer is always there!). They turned towards the door to the stairway. I turned the opposite direction to start the walk back to my room on 4^th floor. The door shut and they were gone. I looked back once to see the back of Steve’s head go completely out of my view, and then I walked away at a quickened pace, trying not to let my emotions show to the entire 3^rd and 4^th floor population. When I got back to my room, I shut the door, the lights were off and the curtains were only half open, and I sat down on my bed and released the tears I had held back when I was saying goodbye. I cried because I was sad, because I hate saying goodbye, because I hate it when people leave, because Steve is not someone I want to go 3 months without seeing, because I got used to him being around, and because he isn’t around anymore. Simple as that, kids.

I laid on my bed for another half an hour listening to the silence until I met Jamie for lunch at the UDCC. I had cried out all the junk I was feeling inside of me, so at that point I was feeling a little numb, and spent from the whole ordeal. Jamie and I ate lunch, then I headed back to Helser to say goodbye to the rest of the crew. Andrew was next. Andrew, Luke, and Pitz (and possibly Chris?) made me freaking cry! they are guys and guys don’t show emotions when they say goodbye, so to make fun of how girls get all emotional, they all came together and held on to each other and pretended to be crying as Andrew yelled, “goodbye guys!!!”… seriously, it made me cry a little. Then Andrew came over to me and Renee- “ok, now the girls”- so we hugged, then that was it. He walked out, down the hall, and was gone.

I went back to Brek’s room because him and Melanie were next. Brek was still packing up and kept exclaiming how he didn’t realize he had so much sh*t and honestly didn’t know he had half of it in his room the entire year. Haha. Mel came over after a little while, and the next hour I spent helping Brek organize and pack his stuff, take it down to his truck, and somehow squeeze it all in there (it was super cramped…). Brek is one of those guys who surprises you, because he’s really loud, vulgar, crude, says what he wants when he wants and doesn’t really seem to care, but then he has these moments where he’s totally serious, somber, quiet, and shows “forbidden” emotions for guys, like sadness and vulnerability. He illustrated this several times throughout finals week whenever him, Steve, Mel and I would be hanging out.. like at dinner one night when he said, “seriously… I don’t want to leave. I almost want to just stay here an extra two weeks...after finals are over, and just hang out. I don’t want to leave.” And he did it when I walked into his doorway that Thursday to help him pack, “Emily.. this is the worst day. Packing all my sh*t up and leaving, uh this is seriously the worst day ever.” Hah, which basically explained exactly how I was feeling about that day too, just worded differently. After lots of lifting and cleaning with Mel and Brek, I got a call from my mom saying she had arrived, so...it was my turn to move out. Mel and I hugged goodbye. She invited me to stay the weekend at her house in Wisconsin over the last weekend in May for her grad party :). Then Brek and I hugged. After Steve, Andrew, Mel, and Brek… I just wanted to break down and die, I HAAAATE saying goodbye to people…ahhhh. Brek even said in his ‘I’m being serious but keeping it light’ tone- “Bye Em… love youu.” And to all you people who think, ‘seriously… it’s only 3 months… big deal’- you just don't get it… 3 months is a long time to not see people you’re used to seeing every day. That’s what I think. So then I went and said goodbye to Mike and Chris, then Luke who gave me the cutest hug ever, and then Pitz. That was basically the gang. One last “goodbye” to Mel and Brek as I walked by, then it was off to pack all of MY crap up and get out of there. Before saying goodbye to everyone, I never wanted to leave ISU. After saying goodbye, I wanted to get out of there as FAST as I possibly could because it was so dang depressing the more I stuck around. I felt like part of my heart was empty or missing. And that’s kind of how I feel, now that I’m back home for the summer. I’m thrilled to be back with Aubrey and our crew here in west des moines, but my heart feels incomplete from missing my new friends I made at ISU.

You get used to seeing the same faces every day

New faces become more familiar very quickly when you spend so much time together

Old faces remain old, and grow older still.

But the fact is… old and new affect me both.

In different ways perhaps, but they mean a lot to me in their own ways nonetheless.

Thursday, May 3^rd, 2007 was best labeled by my friend Brek…….. “The Worst Day.” Moving Out Day. Ugh. In simple terms, I cannot WAIT for Moving Back In Day.

I wasn’t prepared for the intense connection I made with a whole new group of people. They’re a lot different than my homies from des moines (I feel really lame and white for putting it that way.. sorry). I guess you can’t really ever be prepared for that though. People come and go in life. They remain, they leave. Some will stay forever. Some may leave suddenly. Some never come back. Some come very suddenly. Some slowly make their way into your life, and others come in with a bang. All I know is that… my heart is forever changed the more people I come to know and love.

Well…

Considering I have wrapped up my first year of college, I know that the next few weeks are going to be filled with lots of thinking, contemplating, evaluating, analyzing, questioning, digging, confirming, wondering, and of course feeling. I am and will be feeling many emotions over the next month, as I adjust from moving back home for the summer.

This means, that I will be a writing FREAK.

Therefore, this means that overall I will be very happy.

…Just a general warning. <3

[Ending Music: "Mistakes We Knew We Were Making" -Mae]