you are the only one that knows exactly what I mean....

:(

I wish I could just be strong right now. I wish I could feel the strength that has always gotten me through these times before. But instead, all I feel is down and out. The threads of my body are screeching at me, "stop we can't take anymore pain, stop!" but I just have to bear it and act like everything's fine. Because once you stop and let yourself dive into the pool of wallowing, you never accomplish anything. I hope so much that tomorrow does not bring another day of pain, nausea, dizziness and fatigue. I know God's in control, but physical ailing strikes me hard and it strikes me often, and it's just super hard to get on with everything else at the same time. Every time my stones do this crap to me, I think about the future and how many other times I will have to endure this stuff. I remember a year ago thinking about how in the world I was gonna deal with it all on my own when I'm in college and away from my parents, who usually dealt with me when I experienced kidney problems. Then college came and all the sudden it was the end of my freshman year, and I had somehow dealt with major kidney pain like three or four times. But now I sit here a year later, and I'm thinking about the exact same thing. I know I have the strength because my God gives me the strength when I need it, but it's these moments where everything just gets to me and strips away my armor... I don't know if I have it in me to keep dealing with this.

And I mostly think that because I am so driven by my emotions. Sickness and pain and suffering make me feel terrible, therefore I think negative things. So somehow I must overcome it..... again.

I'm just overwhelmed with life right now. I feel hints of discontent itching at me once again.

To be honest, I kind of just want to be back in Ames right now. Back in the dorms, back to campustown, back at the UDCC eating meals, back to learning and walking to class, back to shared bathrooms, back to pick-up soccer games on central campus, back to weekly fellowship at Salt. Back to the college life. At first I thought that it was because summer is routine-free and school months are spent in routine, but I thought about it more and I don't think you can say one is this and one is that. I think I have phases of routine and phases of non-routine every now and then, and it's not necessarily a routine absolutely just because when school starts I have a schedule to follow when it comes to going to classes and doing homework. It's a routine when you don't change things up every now and then. So I'm definitely looking forward to August and being back at Iowa State.

I had a big let-down occur the other day. My North-Carolinian friend Adam promised me last summer when I flew to NC to visit, that he would see me either in 8 months for spring break, or a year for a week during the summer- this summer. Well spring break didnt work out, so this summer was the last option. After discussing all possible dates, basically there's no way he can fly out here. THe only window of opportunity is right before I go back to ISU, literally like days before, and I just don't want to have to host a guest in my house and in my town when I'm getting ready to move out again and get ready for school. He has summer school, and gets his wisdom teeth out the only other week that would work, so there's no time left. Basically, he's not coming, and that promise he made me isn't going to be fulfilled. It's just a huge let down. We've had a rocky relationship, but Adam isn't someone I'm going to just stop being friends with because of things that have happened in the past. I know my friends would advise me to stay away from him (that's funny b/c he's 1200 miles away), but it kind of frustrates me that they never understand how he will always be apart of my life no matter what. So anyway, he's not coming. I'm sad, because I miss him a ton. He has a new girlfriend and he's been taking summer classes so he can get into NC State next Spring and is doing really well, and then I'm working all the time or with my friends every night, so we don't get to talk on the phone that much anymore. Basically he thinks I don't care about him at all because I never call him anymore, but in reality I care about him so freaking much and think about him all the time. I don't call because I always gets home late, and if I call earlier in te day he has classes, so our schedules never really mesh enough to meet halfway it seems. I wish I could fly to NC right now and see him!

My heart is dizzy and overwhelmed right now. I think about someone and dream and imagine things, then the next minute I'm doing the same thing about someone else, then it changes again, then it goes back to the first one, then I just want to throw up.

Well I open Tropical Sno tomorrow morning, so I think I'll go to bed now. I pray that I can have a day of no kidney stone problems that make me feel weak and drained and make me want to curl up in a ball in my bed and leave the shades down. :(

<3