the art of losing myself

I'm not ok with being ok with the way things are. Understand? It makes perfect sense to me.

I cannot just... SETTLE, for the lackluster conversation and the lack of eye contact that makes me feel like he just doesn't care. I know he does. I just have to keep telling myself he cares. Even though he doesn't look at me the way he used to, the way I want him to. I hate not feeling his hand close in to mine. I hate walking next to him but feeling 20 feet away from him. I hate holding my heart at a distance because I have to. I hate that he is acting like everything's fine and dandy, even though that's what he should be doing, I hate that he's doing what he should be doing- because it makes it more obvious that I'm not doing what I should be doing... acting the same way. It's all just an act though, isn't it. It's all for him though. I wouldn't be doing it if I just cared about myself, or cared about myself more. I don't. I care about him more. I'll do anything to help him. If that means being frustrated every second of the day and hurting every time I hug him goodnight and that's all it is- a goodnight, then it will be done.

I'm not ok with being OK. I'm not ok with sitting down and having a conversation about life with him, the same way we would converse before this all happened, but it's completely different. Furthermore, I'm not ok with getting up to leave and realizing that just happened, and I couldn't feel more desperate to just be held by him again. The feeling sets in of "this is the new routine" - and I know I must get used to this change, but why? Why get used to something I can't stand? Simply to cope... that's all. Not because that's what I really want, not because that's how I truly feel. Just because I have to, to get on with life, to move on with the day. Nothing more. So really, I will never be used to this "new routine" - this heartless, seemingly empty act of solely friendship. whatever that means. I don't even know.

I'm not ok with being ok, because if I am being ok with everything- I'm afraid that's all it will ever be between us. It will never go back to what we once were. My biggest fear. I see it flying around us, and I just want to grab it and stomp on it and kill it so it can never be a possibility. If it flies over to him and his heart is open enough, and it flies in, honestly I don't know what I'd do if it became a reality. I don't want to think about it, but it's hard not to.

I don't want to be "ok". Right now, I hate "ok". I choose being true to my heart and true to myself. I will never choose the other. So I guess I choose to hurt then. What a fantastic week this is going to be..... oh goodness.