so strong...

And yet, I feel my heart being pulled apart. Right now I just want to be held in his arms. I've been so strong this past week, I don't feel bad for breaking down a couple times when I want to feel what I've been missing so much. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. It doesn't mean Satan's winning, I'm still doing what is right. I don't break down anymore when I'm actually around him. but when I sit here at my desk before I turn off the lights, I feel my heartstrings tense up. When I am with him, I'll glance down at his hands every now and then and I just want to feel them enclose in mine. So I think about moments like that hours later in my solitude, because that's the only time I can. When I'm actually around him I remain strong and don't cry when someone awkwardly finds out we aren't together anymore, I don't fall apart when we watch a movie and he doesn't sit close to me, I don't stall at the door for a goodnight kiss when we part, I let the 5 or 10 second hug suffice and pray to God I can keep this up. Everything changed during a tense moment between us last week, when I got extremely mad at him for being so strong whenever he was around me... I never saw him struggling like I was, I was always falling apart when I was around him it seemed. Every night ended in me crying. But when he said these words- "Emily, if I'm not gonna be strong, then who will? obviously not you, and that's ok. so I have to be strong." It changed everything, because I knew he was right, and I knew I had to be that way too. So I tried, and I kept trying, and then it got easier, and now I am strong every time I'm around him. I still don't like it. But I'm doing it.

It's just hard right now. Really hard.