my memoir:

Emily Sexton
Engl. 305
10/22/07
Word count: 3,732

Looking Good, Feeling Pain

It’s a lot like knives. It’s like a bunch of knives piercing your most delicate skin. It’s like the stabbing of a wound over and over again in the same spot. These knives move as one element, like a wave of sea water crashing upon edgy rocks. But it’s all going on inside of you, in the tiniest parts of you. You wonder how such a small thing could cause such devastating consequences. But there was no questioning once it hit. Once it hit, I was down for the count. Once it hit, I was uncomfortably aware that my body was under attack, and like a best friend I would do anything to fight for and protect, I would do anything I could to get rid of the pain, to rid my poor, defenseless body of such horrible affliction. My body became so much more precious to me than ever before. So I wiggled and twisted and inhaled and exhaled and squeezed and yelled. Still losing the fight. Pain still unbearable. And so I took my first trip to the emergency room, and so I began walking the path to discovering the cause of all this sudden pain… I was diagnosed with Renal Stone Disease. I was in the 8th grade.

It’s not fair, really. “Isn’t this an old-person’s disease, mom?” I was only thirteen. I started going to see a kidney specialist to figure out the course of action we were going to take to deal with my disorder. There are pills. There are surgeries. There are metal objects that poke and prod and go places I would never say out loud. There are lasers. There are shock waves. There are special diets. There are more tests, more ultrasounds, more x-rays, more radiation. A few days before Christmas, I had another stone episode and ended up in the emergency room for the third time in two weeks. My mom carried me down the three flights of snowy stairs from our apartment to get to the car. “How bad is it, honey?” “Oh Mom… please, make it stop, mom! Just let me die.” Christmas goodies didn’t seem so great, they began to lose their glitter when my immature mind was cluttered with fear and paranoia of the next kidney stone attack.

“A kidney stone is a hard mass that occurs when calcium oxalate or other chemicals in the urine form crystals that stick together. These crystals may grow into stones ranging in size from a grain of sand to a golf ball… Some one million Americans--the majority between the ages of 20 and 40--are treated each year for kidney stones. Kidney stones are more common in men, who account for about four out of five cases.” –The National Kidney Foundation

Over the winter months and into spring, the paranoia consumed me completely. I was always wondering if I would feel that first little pang… if I got a hunger pain or a cramp or anything that might turn into the hours of excruciating kidney stone pain, I was always conscious. Always aware. It might happen at ANY TIME… and there’s nothing I could do to know when. I get dropped off at soccer practice and hear, “drink, drink, drink, Em! Gotta flood out those kidneys!” None of the other kids are thinking about their kidneys as they get out of the car to go play soccer. I end up crying and writhing around in the nurse’s office at school one afternoon. It was the big mile-run day at Indian Hills Jr. High School. The intense heat dehydrated me, as I’m sure it did my classmates also, but my body reacts a little differently than most. I have been a runner all my life, an excellent sprinter. My long legs give me an advantage, and I always ran a successful mile time just a little above average compared to my classmates… until this. I couldn’t finish the mile-run. The knives were back and worse than ever… and I had to explain to the nurse that I had kidney stones. “Really, now that’s interesting… kidney stones in a young thing like you? That’s almost unheard of, isn’t it?” None of the other kids were unable to finish the mile-run in gym that day due to their kidneys. So I spent the rest of the day knocked out from pain medication.

“Stones form twice as often in men as women. The peak age in men is 30 years; women have a bimodal age distribution, with peaks at 35 and 55 years. Once a kidney stone forms, the probability that a second stone will form within five to seven years is approximately 50%.” -Parmar

I entered high school like any other 14-year-old girl. I didn’t know who I was, but I was excited to start a new chapter in my youth. I had a new best friend every month, crushes on all the popular boys, I found out I thrived in my English class and dived in my algebra class. I was a healthy, skinny, athletic blonde with a new haircut and a summer tan. Things change fast though, and they appear differently than they really are. It was a Sunday night in early October, and I fell asleep at 11 o’clock, thinking the next thing I was going to be doing was getting up to go to school. That’s not what happened at all. An hour after falling asleep, I felt my world crash down around me as I realized the pain in my lower-abdomen was not going away and only getting stronger. More knives piercing me over and over again. More waves crushing me. Bricks were piling on top of the knives pushing them harder and harder into my little body. It’s hard to even put the pain into words. After lying in my bed trying to suppress my screams for half an hour, I crawled on my hands and knees in the dark up the stairs to get to my parents’ bedroom. My tears were enough to clue them in on what was going on, so they pulled me into bed with them and tried everything in their power to make me feel better, even though nothing could. I vomited my pain medication back up not even five minutes after I swallowed it, I couldn’t stand nor sit up, I was crying, and all my mom could do was lay next to me and let me squeeze her hand. It was now 4 a.m. and I had had no relief. I had never been in that much pain for that long EVER… I had never imagined it either. It was completely surreal.

“…Usually, the symptom of a kidney stone is extreme pain that has been described as being worse than child labor pains. The pain often begins suddenly as the stone moves in the urinary tract, causing irritation and blockage. Typically, a person feels a sharp, cramping pain in the back and in the side of the area of the kidney or in the lower abdomen, which may spread to the groin.” –The Urology Center of Florida

I had also never been on morphine before. But then again, you would assume most 14-year-olds hadn’t experienced a major narcotic like that. It’s too bad my experience with it almost killed me. I think if I ever did drugs, the way I felt as the nurse stabbed the I.V. into my hand would probably have the same effect. That’s because they mistakenly overdosed me, a lot. We’re talking three milligrams they were supposed to inject versus the ten milligrams they actually gave me. On the bright side, the six hours of straight pain I had gone through by the time I was lying in the emergency room, completely subsided in a matter of seconds. In fact, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. People were swooping in and out of and around the room in blurs, my mom’s words of worry were muffled and slurred, everyone was on edge and their faces were tense, but I was in another world in my mind. I closed my eyes and thought opening them again might be a little too hard to manage. My body tingled slightly and then it was like a soft darkness veiled over it, like I was covered in a black shroud floating in the sky in some far-off galaxy.

After that, I don’t remember much. I awoke in another room, a real hospital room, the room I would remain for the next three days. I didn’t know why I was awake, it was still very early in the morning… then I found my answer. This is when the vomiting began. If anyone gives you morphine, just remember that it takes away the pain, but it will make your stomach very upset. Don’t ask me why, but I counted… and the official count stopped at twenty-five. Once you vomit twenty-five times, there is obviously no food left in your stomach, so you start to throw up a disgusting substance I learned was called “bile”, a bitter alkaline fluid that comes from your gallbladder. If the hours of leaning over bedpans weren’t bad enough… I got no sleep, I was lonely, I hated the cheery nurses that came in to take my blood pressure and check my I.V., the stench I associate with hospitals made me feel sicker than I already was, I couldn’t hold my head up longer than two seconds, and every now and then I felt waves of kidney pain start and stop like a big tease.

Serious side effects of morphine:
• shallow breathing, slow heartbeat;
• seizure (convulsions);
• cold, clammy skin;
• confusion;
• severe weakness or dizziness; or
• feeling light-headed, fainting.
Less serious side effects are more likely to occur, such as:
• constipation;
• warmth, tingling, or redness under your skin;
• nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, diarrhea, loss of appetite;
• dizziness, headache, anxiety;
• memory problems; or
• sleep problems (insomnia).

It was the longest and cruelest day of my life. I felt like I had the body of an 80-year-old. And when I was finally freed from the cage that hospital had become to me, I NEVER wanted to smell that hospital stench EVER again. Back at home, all I did was lay around. That’s all I really could do. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or walk further than the bathroom without needing someone to help me. My body was going to take a while to adjust back to normal after such a painful experience… and especially because of the heavy use of narcotics I had been exposed to. “Give it a couple weeks, Em… you’ll gain your strength back, just give it time.” But it was too much. I was too young to feel like this, too weak to want to try to get better, and I slipped into a three-fold state of depression: physically, psychologically, and spiritually. I couldn’t look at my dad because I was mad at him for giving me bad genes and looking at him made me want to yell and punch him for the pain he caused me. I couldn’t walk up the stairs without a wave of exhaustion washing over my body, forcing me to grasp the railing like a feeble, old grandmother. I hated God and turned away from Him because He let it happen to me. I stopped praying, I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped going to youth group and church, I stopped everything. I hated anyone I passed by that wasn’t breathing heavily from just walking and moving around. Anyone who was happy and healthy. I looked at them and thought how I used to be just like them before December of my 8th grade year.

The worst was people’s reactions when they found out why I hadn’t been in school for a week. They couldn’t believe I was ailed by such a serious thing. They had no idea what the pain was like. And you could see it on their faces, like when you reveal something really significant to someone and they just sort of take it like they would the weekend gossip. And then after about a week, everyone around you starts to treat you like you’re just fine. Because you’re walking, you’re sitting in class, you’re talking by the lockers with your friends. But inside… inside you’re weak and dead. You have so much healing left to do. So much strength left to gain back. But to the human eye, you look completely normal. I wanted people to understand, I wanted them to know. And I also didn’t want them to know… I wanted to hide it. I struggled with that for a very long time, long after I had gained back most of my physical strength… which took a good two months. When the spring soccer season rolled around, it was time for me to try out for our high school’s team… my first real tryout for a competitive high school sport. After my hospital stay, my visits with my kidney specialist left me with an order to try to “treat” my kidney problems by making sure I was always staying hydrated. Once soccer season arrived, this got much harder. Every time I had to stop and grab an extra drink, I wished I could go back to the careless days at soccer practice when I didn’t once think about preventing such a thing as kidney stones. I performed to my best ability, but sometimes my best wasn’t as good as everyone else because of kidney stones. Sometimes I had to sit on the side lines. Sometimes I had to leave early. Sometimes I couldn’t finish the drills. All because of something inside of me that no one could see. Soccer coaches are accustomed to seeing twisted ankles and torn ACL’s, not kidney stones. They only knew by my facial expression that I was in pain.

“A number of risk factors play major roles in stone formation. The first is loss of body fluids (dehydration). When one does not consume enough fluids during the day, the urine often becomes quite concentrated and darker. This increases the chance that crystals can form from materials within the urine, because there is less fluid available to dissolve them.”

On a steaming day later in the summer, I found myself sitting in the familiar small office of my kidney specialist. I walked through the familiar hospital filled with familiar faces all from sad, tired, weak, old men and women hobbling into the elevators and sitting in their wheelchairs in the waiting rooms. Their silver hair and wrinkled hands looked nothing like my long, blonde hair pulled back in a sporty pony-tail and my athletic little legs in my white soccer shorts, no wrinkles to date. Test results had revealed my fatal flaw. I cocked my head and narrowed my eyes at this peculiar discovery. My body doesn’t produce as much citrate as it should be producing. Therefore, I have the tendency to form kidney stones from the lack of kidney stone inhibitors, which comes from citrate. I have a “metabolic abnormality”.

I glanced back and forth between my doctor and my mom for answers to questions I haven’t formed just yet. I figured out that what he was saying was that this isn’t just a momentary problem. My doctor looked at me when he spoke to me, which was weird because I usually had very little understanding of anything he said… I was just a kid; I kind of wished he would just look at my mom instead. This was all very foreign to me. My mind was probably distracted thinking about when my next soccer game was. But when the words ‘citrate’ and ‘metabolic abnormality’ kept flying out of his mouth, I was hooked. Then I looked to my mom for some kind of assurance that everything was going to be ok no matter what words were coming out of his mouth. “There is a medication we could put you on. It has a good success rate. I hesitate though… you’re extremely young to be worrying about taking a pill twice a day for the rest of your life. Discuss it with your mom, don’t feel rushed, we’ve got plenty of time. I’ll see you guys in a few months.” I listened to my mom tell me she agrees that I am too young to start taking such a long-lasting medication. She didn’t promise a solution, because there really isn’t one. But she always hugged me the right way that told me, “I don’t know what’s going to happen, sweetie, but I’m always going to be right here with you to help you through it.”

“…Potassium citrate attaches to calcium in the urine, preventing the formation of mineral crystals that can develop into kidney stones.”

“…About half of children with stones have an identifiable metabolic disorder, which increases their risk of stone recurrence five-fold.”

When the one-year anniversary for my hospitalization came around, I cheered a little inside. I got on with my sophomore year of high school, feeling older, cooler, and healthy again. And I wish with all of my heart I could end the story here and conclude that I lived happily ever after, but I went down the other path, the path to inexplicable pain. I began making weekly trips to the nurse’s office. They saw me so much that year they told me I was kind of like a daughter to them. They got used to my half-bent over posture walking weakly through the wooden door, continuing on to the back room where the lights remain off and I can lie down for one class period or however long it took. They provided me with a heating pad to hold on my back to help with the frequent muscle spasms I was now getting from my disorder… they didn’t hurt as bad as kidney stones themselves, but felt very similar.

One night in February, I awoke to a horrifying sense of deja-vu. “No, no, no… this cannot be happening again. No, please, not again.” I started begging and pleading with God. I wanted Him to reach out and just suck the stone or stones right out of my body with His own two hands. When I made it upstairs and woke my mom up, it was like I was experiencing the October stone attack all over again, but somehow it was worse, somehow it was even more painful. My mom was so cautious to drive me to the hospital. But I knew what was going on inside of me. I knew it wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. And it didn’t. It went on for three more hours… and I threatened to drive myself to the hospital if she wouldn’t do it, I was so desperate for pain relief, I felt like I could just die from the pressure of the knives. I lay crumpled in the passenger seat as my mom drove at the speed of light to get me to that emergency room. I was wailing and screaming my head off. When they got me into a bed, my body started to convulse uncontrollably from all the pain. They rolled me into the x-ray room as fast as they could, promising pain relief in just a couple more minutes… those minutes felt like hours. At last, they covered me with a heated blanket to help with my convulsions, and they gave me an I.V., carefully checking my wristband the emergency room attendant had attached specifically warning NO MORPHINE, so I didn’t find out until later what narcotic they put me on that time. When I was roused sometime in the afternoon from my sleep, my mom mentioned it was some narcotic called Newbane that doctors said they give to women who are in labor. I was just glad it didn’t make me throw up twenty-five times. I lied in that hospital bed for three days, barely moving, speaking, or existing really. It was depressing.

“Some people are more susceptible to forming kidney stones, and heredity certainly plays a role. The majority of kidney stones are made of calcium, and hypercalciuria (high levels of calcium in the urine), is a risk factor. The predisposition to high levels of calcium in the urine may be passed on from generation to generation. Some rare hereditary diseases also predispose some people to form kidney stones. Examples include people with renal tubular acidosis and people with problems metabolizing a variety of chemicals including cystine (an amino acid), oxalate, (a type of salt), and uric acid (as in gout).”
--eMedicineHealth

One year following my February hospitalization, my mom and sister presented me with a single yellow rose. That rose represented so much to me. In its petals, I saw the pain of my past woven into the pain of my present, and inevitably the pain of my future. But it was yellow, like the sunshine. It was hope. Smelling its sweet fragrance made me calm. I think with every long-lasting problem you are forced to deal with in your life, you have to accept it as being a part of who you are. I don’t like having a kidney stone disease. I don’t wish it upon anyone else. I don’t like that it stained all four years of my high school career with tears and sweat and anger. But it also made me stronger, and without that strength, I wouldn’t be the girl I am today. My friends look at me and envy my slender body and my toned stomach. But there’s so much more to me than that. And people recognize that too, which is all that really matters. They recognize my strength and perseverance that comes from my struggle with renal stone disease. They witness my exuberant joy that results from taking full advantage of healthy, happy times after years of suffering and pain. I may appear to have a great body, but my confidence comes more from overcoming time after time after time of painful kidney stone episodes than people complimenting how good I look in my skinny jeans and fitted t-shirt. I live a life of pain, and out of it I am blessed. I will continue a life of pain until the day I die, and I will still try to wiggle and twist and inhale and exhale and squeeze and yell… but I will also smile, because I will overcome.

All you need is love, love is all you need

I loved my weekend. It entailed celebrating a friend's birthday, seeing a visiting friend I rarely get to see and miss dearly, viewing an incredible movie with a bunch of my friends back in the WDM, and working on writing my memoir.

Sometimes there are movies that come along and inevitably rock my world. Across The Universe is one of those movies. It had all the components of a good movie, in my opinion, at least for the kind of movie you would categorize it as. The music was fabulous, obtaining the soundtrack for it was essential. It was artistic, and it blew me away. It was weird. It was about a different culture, it was about a time in our history when our country was at war in Vietnam and young people everywhere wanted to be radical and revolutionary. They wanted love and peace in true hippie fashion. One of the main characters was burdened with getting drafted and having to go to war, one was an artist who falls in love with another main character, and then there are all these other characters that make up this odd yet unified group of people all on their own journeys to find love, try to make a difference in the world, and bring peace to a troubled nation. The character portraits are fascinating. Jude and Max's voices are absolutely amazing in every song, I just want to listen to them all day and all night. The trippy-ness (trippiness?) is apparent throughout, and it brings comedy to an otherwise dark era filled with student protests ending in beatings and other violent measures by the police. There's a lesbian, there's a jimi hendrix guitarist representation, there's Bono playing a doctor with some weird trippy bus that drives around the country looking for hippies to join the movement for whatever his teaching was, there's the horror of discovering your son died at war and won't be coming home.

My absolute favorite scene (I have several...), was one in which Jude is in his "studio" office whatever you want to call it in the apartment, and Strawberry Fields plays while the movie flashes back and forth between his stabbing of strawberries and sticking them to the wall and watching the red juice run down the wall, to pictures of Vietnam and war devastation. It's outstanding. Then I also love one of the beginning scenes when Jojo is walking through the subway and the streets of New York with his guitar and you see all the people and the representation of the culture back then, and the pimp old man is singing "Come Together"... it's awesome. Then of course I loved the very climactic scene when Jude sings "Across the Universe" while he runs to find Lucy at a war protest after they had an argument, and the police come and start beating people and they get ahold of Lucy and Jude both and they try to grab for each other's hands, all the while flashes of Max in Vietnam come up, and then Jude ends up in jail.

Ugh and I LOVEEEE the scene where Jude sings "I've Just Seen a Face"... Lucy, Max, and him are bowling one night having fun before Max and Jude leave for New York, and Jude sings the song about falling for Lucy and the shots of people sliding down the alleys are just awesome... and I love scenes in movies where you see two people and realize they are going to end up together, so yeah, it made me happy. and I LOVED also the scene towards the end when Max is in a bar in New York and Jude is in a bar in Liverpool, and the mirror makes them appear to be sitting right next to each other and Max starts to sing "Hey Jude" and it's as if Jude hears Max singing to him, and so he gets up and leaves the bar and travels back to New York through the immigration center so he can find Lucy, the love of his life. AHHH, it's so great.

The only scene I really hated was the awkward water scene with all the naked yet not completely appearing naked asian women swimming around. It was very artistic, but very awkward. and I just really hate boobs in the movies!!!!!!! cause they're everywhere these days.

It's controversial, it's an important time of our history, it's an artist's dream come true. I loved it!

Run to you

when I read these lyrics, I thought of them as words in a letter from me to God, maybe you will too...

"turn look, look out and see
do you see me cause i think i see you
i've been some other place
the wind that i chase
it all just leads back to you
oh how i'm still, so still
its sobering, but still i ran
i knew you when i was young
but where am i now that i'm a man

run to you, i will run, i will run
i will move right on through all these things that i have done
and you'll take me back, i don't know why
i wanna say i'll never do it again
but i can't, but i will try

turn look, look and see
do you see me cause i think i see you
i've been some other place
the wind that i chase
it all just leads back to you
oh how i miss what you miss
but i will fall time and again
and i will say that i'm true to you
but i'm a cheat, i don't understand

so i'll run to you, i will run, i will run
i will move right on through all these things that i have done
and you'll take me back, i don't know why
i wanna say i'll never do it again but i can't
i wanna say i'll never do it again but i can't
i wanna say i'll never do it again but i can't
but i will try."
-the rocket summer

<3

I will run to Him. I am running to Him.

are you listening?

I miss the summer sunshine shining down on me and my friends. I miss bike rides with Aubrey. I miss my Trop Sno family. I miss spending every night with all the people I love. I miss sitting at the end of the Laugerman's driveway on humid nights. I miss the deep talks. I miss the Harry Potter excitement. I miss listening to The Rocket Summer's newest album every day because it sounds like summer and made driving with my windows open that much more exciting. I miss beaching it up. I miss bible study with the girls. I miss having full days that aren't bogged down with sickness. I miss making money. I miss Thursday nights at Immersion, and mac 'n tea fun times that followed. I miss sleepovers. I miss sitting outside of the Starbucks on University Ave. and taking a hundred stupid pictures. I miss the time when making lists wasn't a necessity. I miss hanging out in Kate's tent on a lazy summer day. I miss summer storms that don't leave you freezing and grumpy, but warm and happy inside. I miss having a window that keeps cold air out. I miss being able to go buy a new outfit just to give myself a little boost. I miss the bonfires.

But right now, I would go without all of those things ever again if I could just have you back in my arms, because I miss you most of all.

so strong...

And yet, I feel my heart being pulled apart. Right now I just want to be held in his arms. I've been so strong this past week, I don't feel bad for breaking down a couple times when I want to feel what I've been missing so much. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. It doesn't mean Satan's winning, I'm still doing what is right. I don't break down anymore when I'm actually around him. but when I sit here at my desk before I turn off the lights, I feel my heartstrings tense up. When I am with him, I'll glance down at his hands every now and then and I just want to feel them enclose in mine. So I think about moments like that hours later in my solitude, because that's the only time I can. When I'm actually around him I remain strong and don't cry when someone awkwardly finds out we aren't together anymore, I don't fall apart when we watch a movie and he doesn't sit close to me, I don't stall at the door for a goodnight kiss when we part, I let the 5 or 10 second hug suffice and pray to God I can keep this up. Everything changed during a tense moment between us last week, when I got extremely mad at him for being so strong whenever he was around me... I never saw him struggling like I was, I was always falling apart when I was around him it seemed. Every night ended in me crying. But when he said these words- "Emily, if I'm not gonna be strong, then who will? obviously not you, and that's ok. so I have to be strong." It changed everything, because I knew he was right, and I knew I had to be that way too. So I tried, and I kept trying, and then it got easier, and now I am strong every time I'm around him. I still don't like it. But I'm doing it.

It's just hard right now. Really hard.

Trust.

There's nothing more to ask of you. That's why it's so awesome and so hard at the same time. I ask myself at the end of the day what could have made things better, and the answer is nothing. You are giving all that you can, and it's exactly what you need to give. Everything is exactly how it ought to be. I wouldn't have it any other way. Yes I can dream and hope and imagine when I go to sleep at night and slip into my unconscious, but the truth is I trust my God. He does not fail us nor disappoint. I wouldn't have it any other way because God chose things to be this way, and I'm sticking with God. How else have I sustained these past two weeks? How did I get to this point, where I can say with confidence He is my God who loves me and the One I trust. At the end of the day, I know there's nothing more to say and nothing more to be asked of you. Our God is faithful to those who believe. You're believing, and I am believing, and together that's enough... that's enough for me to keep going. That's enough for me to keep trusting.

But don't believe for one second that I don't wish to wrap my arms around you longer and harder every time we hug goodbye.

"and in the time it took to write you this song..."

I couldn't sleep last night. I had things swirling around in my head that wouldn't stop swirling. Eventually they did, but I think I laid in bed for 2 hours in the dark trying to will them out of my head so I could sleep for a few hours. To compensate, I slept until noon today.

This is a story I will call, "Not Anymore."

The pairing of the words 'not' and 'anymore' together do not seem very threatening or bad. I can think of many examples of the pairing that come in response to questions that are very harmless. Such as, "hey are you still hungry?" -"Not anymore, I ate a huge flying burrito for dinner." Or, "do you still want to go to the party?" -"not anymore, I feel like watching a movie instead." Or even, "do you go to valley high school?" -"not anymore, I am a sophomore at Iowa State now."

But my experience with those two words was much more unpleasant. It left a bad taste in my mouth. Let me show you why. Instead of questions that deal with how you feel, or what you want to do, or location or the like, he was asked the question that dealt with my precious heart. I saw the whole thing come together, and finally he asked, "wait, are you guys still dating?" -"not anymore," he responded. But the way it felt was more like, "NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!" It was like someone turned on a florescent light above us when he said it. It was like the questioner might as well have asked the question into a megaphone. And then I watched the respondent struggle for a quick second before relaying said response. His lips parted and I swear I saw the words in all caps scream out for the whole world to hear. So then I just hated everything and everyone for a moment as the feeling seeped in and spread throughout my vessels. Then, everything was awkward. Like all the sudden I was aware that my legs are too long and too skinny and pointing out in strange angles. Then I was aware that my arms were crossed and maybe that said to everyone in the circle that I was mad or, the truth be told, I might be uncomfortable... gasp! And then I was aware that I didn't know where to place my gaze. Don't look down Emily, everyone might think you look sad or forlorn, don't look up Emily, everyone might think you're trying not to cry, don't look at him too long Emily, he's not going to look back.

That is why I do not like the words 'not' and 'anymore' paired together any longer. I'm done with that coupling.

On another note,

THE ENVY CORPS played an AMAZING show last night at House of Bricks!!!!!!!
Every song was just so good, I can remember most of the set, but not completely and not the exact order...
Wires and Wool
You Look Good In Wings pt. II
Sylvia (the Beekeeper)
Rooftop
Ninety-Nine One-Hundred
Pip Pip
an 80's cover
Baby Teeth
Party Dress
Rhinemaidens
Story Problem

... ahh, so good. They're so fun on-stage and I just love every one of them. Rhinemaidens and Story Problem were definitely the most energetic, and that's expected since they were the last 2 songs and obvious crowd favorites. I loved the contrast between playing Sylvia which I was moving and dancing to and then slowing things down with Rooftop to a little sway. I loved it every time Brandon the guitarist grabbed his mic and held it out for the audience to sing into. I loved watching Nick obsess over their top-notch equipment the whole time. I loved watching the drummer Scott... I always get a kick out of watching drummers at shows :) he was hilarious, and what a look he has, goodness. When they started Party Dress I went crazy and the entire front part of the crowd that I was apart of was just dancing like crazy, and when they got to my favorite part of the song with the line about saying off with your head and Luke just belted it, oh man that was awesome for me. Baby Teeth was definitely one of my favorites, I love the build-up and the huge sound at the end and it's just so beautiful. The end of Story Problem when they had the crowd sing the 'ohs' and everything was incredible. Ugh, it was just so good. Definitely awaiting their next album.

I love going to good shows.
--------------------------------------------
I just noticed this very large woman sitting at the table over from me in the Barnes & Noble cafe has been looking at the screen of my laptop like she's trying to see what I'm typing. Ha. See if she can see me write this about her! HA. thought that was kinda funny.

well I wanted to get a lot of work done on my Law & Politics class and possibly construct my proposal for my english class on a memoir topic, but... not much has been done. Instead, I wrote this blog and I've been watching the Envy Corps videos and listening to their stuff. I have no idea when Nick's going to want to go back to Ames, but, oh well. I'm pretty much done here anyway. I've gotten out what needed to be said. :)
<3

sometimes I spend my time just trying to escape

this is all I have to say right now.

"sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
to hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
this version of myself
i try to hide behind
i'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

and sometimes i'm so thankful for your loyalty
your love regardless of the mistakes i make will spoil me
my confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
and i'm satisfied to realize you're all i'll ever need

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

and sometimes i spend my time
just trying to escape
i work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to create space
cause i want distance from the utmost important thing i know
i see your love, then turn my back, and beg for you to go

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

you're the only one who understands
completely
you're the only one who knows me yet still loves completely

and sometimes the place i'm at is at a loss for words
if i think of something worthy, i know that it's already yours
and through the times i've faded and you've outlined me again
you've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
let me embrace
let me embrace salvation." -Relient K "I Am Understood"

I cannot guess what we'll discover...

With all the stuff going on in my life, I don't want to forget to "smell the roses" as the old saying goes. On my way to class this afternoon, I walked through central campus and it was just absolutely beautiful. My eyes beheld startling colors of red and gold amongst the trees, the sky a perfect deep blue with soft, white clouds. Everything was just lovely. And God made it all for us to enjoy. I love all of our human senses, but sight is special isn't it? Colors warm my soul. They please my eyes when I see them. The air was crisp, but not unpleasantly cold. I appreciated the nature all around me. I love this campus. When I first came to Iowa State, I recognized it for its beauty immediately. I just love it. God really cares about us to give us such beauty to be surrounded by all the time, even beauty in the changing of the seasons. Thinking about it just makes me sigh and get into a dreamy state where nothing can really go wrong, everything is just sort of in its rightful place.

this I promise you

I'll be the first one in a room full of people to admit I don't do the right thing all the time. I'll also be the first one to say, but I try... I try my hardest. I think it's impossible to not pay attention to my feelings and emotions, but I think it is possible to not let them win over the intention to do what is right. God doesn't look at us without looking at our hearts. Our hearts matter. The whole issue is that we are human, limiting our understanding of the heavenly realm, of God. But we strive always to not let our humanity pull us downward and further away from God. Because... let's be honest, the fact is that humanity is full of a bunch of people who sin day in and day out, so that sin is going to ultimately widen the gap between us and God. I think the biggest thing that makes humans human is our ability to feel, because it is unlike any other creature on this planet. The center of our brain is the limbic system, which is all about emotions, and also in the very center of our brain is the thalamus, which is all about pain and pleasure. That's my point. God made it that way. But he also made us so that our heart is in our chest and it is separated from the brain that is in our head.

I have to make an effort to go with my head and not JUST my heart. Zach, we've had this conversation many times over I feel. I struggle with it. I just do. I'm a human AND I'm a girl, that's two strikes against me already. I have to separate the two. I can feel and be emotional and also be rational and think clearly, and remember all the wonderful things I know to be true that I learned so that when these situations come up that test me, I can use that knowledge and fight off the attack on my heart... because that is my weak point. I know God's promises are true. I know my worth. I know my strength. I know my faith is going to get me through this. Now all I have to do is choose to believe these things and incorporate them into my heart so that I don't remain a complete emotional mess. the END.

psych test now. bye.

insecure.

I don't trust him right now
some kind of sixth sense inside of me is sounding an alarm
I can't trust him now
I TRUSTED him to be someone I could count on
someone I could take a risk with
because relationships are always risks
giving time, alone, is enough to raise the stakes
not to mention everything else you give
and I trusted him through it all
I could count on him in what he said and did
but he busted up my trust
when he busted up our relationship
now I have thoughts of insecurities
now I wonder if he thinks about someone else
now I don't know if he misses me at all
will he go back to her
if he gets the chance
I'm forgetting everything he used to say
about how I'm so much better
if I'm so much better
why was it still not enough
to keep you?

I can't explain it
something just stirred inside of me.
I don't trust him.

"If I ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you..." -Sufjan

I think a part of the reason why I have the internal conflicts and struggles that I have in my life, is because I suck at Pulling Back. I'm a really bad puller-backer. It's a root in the very depths of my soul, it's intertwined in my personality, just who I am. I am great at taking it to the next level though. So that works in positive ways for me when the opportunity comes around for such an act... but pulling back? Not so much my forte. Giving slack. Letting some things slide. Taking it DOWN a notch.

Of course everyone knows I'm loud. I laugh loud, I talk loud, I'm too loud most the time. I like when dramatic things happen that seem like they only happen in movies. I've always been a very good actress because of my facial expressions and animations which are LOUD in non-verbal ways. But there are other times in one's life that one must pull back. This is when I go, oh darn. Crap. Frick. Dang it. Because I know I have a hard time doing this. I'm like.. oh here we go again. How do you pull back exactly? My difficulty with such a thing comes from my abundant desire to please people and my huge heart that I have that makes me care SO much... about everything! I just care. I couldn't try to NOT care, it's basically impossible. If it's not the person that I care about, it's the situation, the ideas and principles behind the person and the situation, the underlying form, the analysis of what is at stake, the value, the root of my cares is love. I just have so much love... I feel like sometimes I have too much love and I have nothing to do with it! That's why I treat people the way I do. Which, hopefully, makes people think of me in a positive way. I know I obviously have treated people badly, but I would also like to think that I realize my way of error and correct it showing that I really do love after all, even if I was being stupid for a while.

Anyway, commitment and loyalty are two big issues I have with "pulling back". I think the two go hand in hand, so I can't really say the other without putting an 'and' and the other with it. Once I am grounded in strong commitment for something, or someone, I am flat-out loyal to it, or them. It never really goes away. But then the situation changes and I am forced to cut back a little. I was used to the level of commitment I was at. I was used to the loyalty that makes me do other things that also increase that commitment... like doing nice things for a person, serving them, making them feel good, cheering them up, treating them like a treasure.

Um... so anyway, I just have a hard time lessening that sense of commitment and loyalty. How do you pull back? I suck at it. And my writing reflects this! Yeah! My english prof here wrote all these comments on my first essay for her class saying that I was "overwriting", that sometimes if I just pulled back a little it would actually make it better writing. And I was just like ugh, you've got to be kidding me! It's just not me, pulling back and all. It's not me. And when I did pull back in my writing for our latest paper, I felt like it was terrible because I knew I would have much rather taken it to a higher intensity... I dunno... I wouldn't have "pulled back" so much.

I really do suck at pulling back. This is kind of a problem at times! like now.

should I stumble again, I'm caught in Your grace

man oh man oh man oh man. one more, oh man. k.

oh my gosh I am dying to be creative and artsy right now, but I have academics taking over my life right now and limiting my "leisure time" to the max. Poo on that. My sadness and frustration last week suppressed my desire to draw and fill up white pages with beautiful, bright colors. As the lyric goes, "it's not the colors that matter, just that they all fade away..." and so they did fade for a little. but now I thirst for color once again. The same way I thirst for my God to fill my cup day in and day out. I need Him so much right now.

Today, I was ok. Today... I was good. I've been very strong. Last night before going to sleep, I had a very good conversation with God. It started out with me being the resistant child... as usual, but ended with me surrendering everything to Him and letting go. It was very emotional. There was some crying (some? how about buckets...), there was some singing, there was some burying of the head, and then there was freedom.

I went to the hospital after my last class today. I was nervous. I set out to accomplish the one task I told myself I needed to do first and foremost, and I did it. I found the hospital, I used the free valet parking service, I sat down with the lab registration lady and gave her my insurance card and allllll the main digits every human must have embedded in their minds to prove their identity and get medical care (social security, phone number, address, you know all that good stuff), then I sat and waited a while, then they gave me my jugs for my two 24-hour urine labs I have to do sometime this week... oh the joy..... and then I went in with the doc and actually got the bloodwork done. I looked away and it didn't hurt at all (it never does... maybe I'm just really, really used to it...), she asked me if I had any questions and I replied no I do not... and then I left. The end. Check that off the list. Next task to tackle? Changing my major.

Every time I think about him (which is so very, very often...sigh...), I start thinking about God. I start to pray. I start to recite the words of a worship song in my head. I start to not hurt as much. The sting goes away for the time being. I don't like occupying my life and my mind with the things I know I don't REALLY want to occupy my life and mind with, but... that's just natural. I know I must. I know God has this all planned out. I know He's holding me in His hands.

Do I sound strong? I am.

But I really want to see him right now, I really want to be next to him RIGHT now...

I give you control...

forget everything I said
I'm lost inside my head
the key to this is clear
my Father draws near

surround me, surround me
like flames in a garden
burn me down and watch me grow
it's all for you, it's all for you

forget everything I wanted
you're all I want now
I fell for him, I'm sorry
pick me up and hold me close

remember my cries Father
the darkness makes me unsure
take him from me, take him
he's all yours, I know now

I'm losing myself
to gain it all
this loss will flourish
into everlasting gain.
---

ouch.

the art of losing myself

I'm not ok with being ok with the way things are. Understand? It makes perfect sense to me.

I cannot just... SETTLE, for the lackluster conversation and the lack of eye contact that makes me feel like he just doesn't care. I know he does. I just have to keep telling myself he cares. Even though he doesn't look at me the way he used to, the way I want him to. I hate not feeling his hand close in to mine. I hate walking next to him but feeling 20 feet away from him. I hate holding my heart at a distance because I have to. I hate that he is acting like everything's fine and dandy, even though that's what he should be doing, I hate that he's doing what he should be doing- because it makes it more obvious that I'm not doing what I should be doing... acting the same way. It's all just an act though, isn't it. It's all for him though. I wouldn't be doing it if I just cared about myself, or cared about myself more. I don't. I care about him more. I'll do anything to help him. If that means being frustrated every second of the day and hurting every time I hug him goodnight and that's all it is- a goodnight, then it will be done.

I'm not ok with being OK. I'm not ok with sitting down and having a conversation about life with him, the same way we would converse before this all happened, but it's completely different. Furthermore, I'm not ok with getting up to leave and realizing that just happened, and I couldn't feel more desperate to just be held by him again. The feeling sets in of "this is the new routine" - and I know I must get used to this change, but why? Why get used to something I can't stand? Simply to cope... that's all. Not because that's what I really want, not because that's how I truly feel. Just because I have to, to get on with life, to move on with the day. Nothing more. So really, I will never be used to this "new routine" - this heartless, seemingly empty act of solely friendship. whatever that means. I don't even know.

I'm not ok with being ok, because if I am being ok with everything- I'm afraid that's all it will ever be between us. It will never go back to what we once were. My biggest fear. I see it flying around us, and I just want to grab it and stomp on it and kill it so it can never be a possibility. If it flies over to him and his heart is open enough, and it flies in, honestly I don't know what I'd do if it became a reality. I don't want to think about it, but it's hard not to.

I don't want to be "ok". Right now, I hate "ok". I choose being true to my heart and true to myself. I will never choose the other. So I guess I choose to hurt then. What a fantastic week this is going to be..... oh goodness.

*for in You do I trust*

All that matters:

Answer me speedily, O Lord;
My spirit fails!
Do not hide Your face from me.
Lest I be like those who go down into the pit.
Cause me to hear Your lovingkindness in the morning.
For in You do I trust;
Cause me to know the way in which I should walk,
For I lift up my soul to You.
-Psalm 143:7-8

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
Try me, and know my anxieties;
And see if there is any wicked way in me,
And lead me in the way everlasting.
-Psalm 139: 23-34

SAVE me, O God!
For the waters have come up to my neck.
I sink in deep mire,
Where there is no standing;
I have come into deep waters,
Where the floods overflow me.
I am weary with my crying;
My throat is dry;
My eyes fail while I wait for my God.
-Psalm 69:1-3

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears,
And delivers them out of all their troubles.
The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart,
And saves such as have a contrite spirit.
Many are the afflictions of the righteous,
But the LORD delivers him out of them all.
He guards all his bones;
Not one of them is broken.
-Psalm 34:17-20

Music and leaves.

It's so weird how music affects your mood, and your mood affects your music, and how they collide into one. When things happen, you change what you listen to. When you listen to something, sometimes you feel something and something happens because of it. Music for me right now is the only thing besides God that fills the silence in my room and in my heart, whether in-between classes, in the morning when I wake up to another sad day, or at night when the walls shrink in around me as I get ready to sleep after long hours and tense moments. For whatever reasons, all I can listen to from my music collection are certain songs from Lifehouse and certain songs from Acceptance. Nothing else. Any other song is either too depressing, too happy, too upbeat, too angry, or too sad. I can't expand what I listen to right now- I want to keep it a small list of songs that I listen to over and over again... a playlist that's consistent, when nothing in my life is consistent right now. I can count on the music to be there for me. I turn up the volume of the music and the screams from inside my heart subside for a while.

If I were able to write a song, I would write a song right now. It would embody all of my emotion better than anything else could, because I seem to find that my words even fail me at times in expressing what's inside of me... but a melody? a pitch? a note? a song? put together, it's sufficient. If I could write a song today, it would be a sad song. The key would be in the minor key and the notes strung together would become a sad repetition... the sound would be beautiful, but terrible. There would be no build-up, no climax, no sight of an end. It would just keep playing on in the same sad pattern. Nobody would like my song because anyone who listens to it would immediately feel sad. But it's my song.

I couldn't help but empathize with the leaves lying dead and scattered on the ground as I walked to and from class this morning. They used to be so green and fresh and alive up in their strong, sturdy trees. Then the seasons changed. Something happened to make their colors turn into something else, and they dried out, and the wind came along and one blow is all it takes- they fall slowly but surely to the ground. Some land in the pathway of many bustling college students walking to and fro. And as I walked one of those sidewalks today, I looked down and saw all the brown, crumpled, torn, broken up leaves just lying there, after being stepped on by people who are just doing what they have to do. It made me sad for the leaves. I felt like one of them. I feel like it was just a week ago I was a beautiful, green leaf up in my tree where I belonged and thrived. Things change fast. Too fast.

"you still my heart, and you take my breath away..."

she watches him walk away
it's the end of the day
there's nothing left to say
she's caught up in the fray

she watches him turn the corner
the threads tangle up before her
and begin to unravel just as another
forms over, and over, and over

she watches him leave her side
and she's swept away by the tide
pulled under and left to die
she's drowning under a pale sky

she watches him go
she's screaming no
oh, it hurts her so
Father, help her grow.

--------------
and yes, my sister and I got piercings today. my cartilage is pierced. it looks great. it made me feel dangerous and good, and brave... very brave. like I can do anything. look at me, i'm miss brave, i'm miss i can do anything..... yeah. i guess it worked for a little bit. I don't feel very brave at the moment. but I'm going to try to be brave tomorrow. and the day after that. and the day after that...

goodnight.

you're all I want, you're all I need, you are everything.

Enter anger.

What is up with my english teacher telling me my grade is going to be lowered on my paper because i missed classes due to a health disorder I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER. what a biotch. once again, i am proven right in my theory that people cannot understand my health problems and treat me unfairly because of it. jerks. all of them.

I don't think I've ever cried this much in the time period of ONE day. it's amazing. you think your tear ducts HAVE to be empty at some point right? but no, they just keep producing salty, burning drops of everything i feel right now.

i'm mad right now. i wasn't, but in the past 20 minutes, that has since changed.

i'm sure i will experience the full color wheel of emotions for a while... i wonder what color is next.

and how can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?

You know it's not going to be an enjoyable day when you wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is realize last night really did happen, and before your day has even began really... you just cry.

right now I'm the girl on her knees. I'm realizing there is nothing left in me, so I bury my head in the carpet and scream up at the God who loves me so and pains me so... what do you want from me, I'm yours. Take me. Break me. Make me. Not my plans- YOUR plans. Hear my cries. They're all for you. How can you do this to me when you love me? I don't understand. I can't understand. I can't turn away from you, but I don't want to look at you right now.

I hate this day already, I hate it.

"someday, everything's gonna fall"

'Trust in the Lord with all your heart;
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.'
-Proverbs 3:5-6

'God heals the heartbroken
and bandages their wounds.'
-Psalm 147:3

I need these two right now, more than anything.

...and I'll never let this go.

Man... does anyone else feel like they need a good week-long break from school and stuff? Or is that just me? Ok maybe it's just me... but that's how I feel. And the closest break we have is Thanksgiving. It's in November. It's September now. Oh goodness.

There's so much that I have to do! Things just swirl around in my mind constantly it seems... medical tests, start my tutor job, write an essay, make appointments- doctor and teacher both, law & politics exams, make sure I'm doing everything possible to prevent more sickness, read pages of court cases, read chapters in books, finish a book by next Tuesday. And out of it all, I have to figure out what's most important, and how everything follows. I would say right now my health is priority one. Mostly because everything else can't really happen when I am bed-ridden... shocking, isn't it. Then there's the little stuff. Like, clean my room so there isn't week-old soup sitting out on the table, and actually wash my clothes every once and a while.

I'm 19 years old, and I just want everyone to know that I still have trouble taking care of myself.

My latest assignment in my Creative-Nonfiction writing class was to write a personal essay. I missed out on a week's worth of class, in which we discussed and read examples of what personal essays are and how you write one... you know, tone, style, composition, all the basics. So I lacked confidence in writing my own, but I just kept writing because I had this burst of inspiration I couldn't ignore... I ended up writing a 4,400-word story that had me in tears half the time I spent writing it because it was so personal and made me re-live a lot of painful memories in my life. But the product is something... I am really proud of. I don't even know yet if I can turn it in as my personal essay, because of its length. But I think it's one of the best things I've ever written. I threw myself into it at 110 percent, I didn't hold back. At times, I wanted to throw my laptop across the room I was so mad, because I wanted to go to bed and wanted to stop writing but I just couldn't stop. And I'm glad I didn't stop. I don't think it would have turned out the same. I'd like to put it on here... but... it has some names in it and I'm not sure if I should put it on here for anyone to read. I don't know. It's really personal. But if you want to read it and you're a friend, let me know. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

I just think it's so crazy that I look back on my life and I have all these stories. And I have some pretty action-packed, evocative, intense stories... not gonna lie. And to think, I'm going to have so many more stories in like 50 years. Gosh that's crazy.

I've been sick a lot. Understatement. I'm sick pretty much all the time. If you're standing next to me and I don't act sick, it's because I'm acting like I'm not sick. Brief moments-- I'm lucky if it turns into a few hours-- I actually feel GOOD again and healthy and whole... but goodness, they don't last long enough. The worst part about being sick all the time, is being sick all the time and not knowing WHY you're sick all the time. I have some guesses. We have some appointments that are soon going to be made with hospitals and doctors, but nothing is certain right now. All I know is that my body hurts and needs help all throughout the week, for several weeks now. Kidney pain. Shooting pains in places you don't want to hear about. Headaches. Nausea. Sedation. Fevers. Muscle spasms. Backaches. Fatigue. Faintness. Dizziness. That the-room-is-spinning-so-much-I-can't-stand-up feeling... ya know. all that good stuff.

God, I know this is supposed to make me stronger, but all I feel is weak.

I'll be ok. I just have to take it one day at a time. And I am. Tonight I had to leave a show early because I felt like I was going to fall over I was so faint and I got feverish and a splitting headache, but hey- I drove home and tried to focus and not hit another car (I didn't, yayy) and I've been lying down on my futon mattress for almost 3 and a half hours now. I'm doing alright. I can do this. I can wake up tomorrow morning and go to church with Nick. I'll be fine!

"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."
--James 1:12

I'm trying. <3

"Nick is never ready..." - James. "Shut up!" -Nick

Wow. The Freedom Project played an amazing show last night at the Bali Satay. I was excited so many of our friends came to support them. Of COURSE the best song of the night was "Tell The Ones You Love"... but that was obvious. And I'm super excited to hear Josh and Steve play tonight with their band Adelynne. The last time I saw them was earlier in the summer down in Des Moines, and this'll be their first show back in Ames since they recorded in Chicago this summer. Last night, I was happy to be back in "the music scene" like the days of all the ATA shows. I looked at Kayla though and told her I felt like it should be ATA playing :( cause we miss going to their shows. Nick melted everyone's faces off with his guitar playing, and I knew every girl in the audience wanted to be his girlfriend after seeing him like that... haha. But that's too bad, he's mine :). haha come on I get to do that sometimes, just let me. I can be proud of my babe.

Nick asked me why I gave the show a 9 instead of a 10, and I said because Scott wasn't there. True story. I can't wait til he gets back from Ohio! And Pete! Aw, Pete. But Danny and Isaiah did a great job, and it was so awesome of them to learn all the music so quickly for the guys.

Well I'm heading to Des Moines right now... goodbye!

Up too late ONCE again :(

Just some points I'd like to, uhhh, point out:

-today? weirdest day I've had in a while, what a freaking roller coaster of emotions. and no it's not that time of month.

-Halo 3 came out midnight tonight. I am curious to see how many people will not be going to class tomorrow so they can huddle up in their rooms and play this much-anticipated video game all day and all night, and all day and all night, and so on and so forth.

-regarding my psych class (Social Psychology 280) today... cognitive dissonance? this whole idea just bothers the heck out of me! and perhaps I will explain why at a later time.

-Mostly I have days where I marvel at all that I possess, and how blessed I am. but sometimes I have a day or two where I focus on everything I don't have, and want very badly, and ultimately can't have because I have no money to spend on anything but necessities..... and coffee and the occasional junk food binge. you know. Today was the latter. It's stupid, but I really just want a new dress to wear that makes me look really cute, but there's no way I can just spend $50 or $60 dollars on a piece of clothing without being disowned from the family. For real.

-Last night was a turning point in a relationship, and I'm so glad I have someone who can lead me back to the right thing and not the wrong thing.

-Hey... almost 3 months. that's pretty cool. :)

-I am learning all about marijuana in my health studies drug education class, and the more I learn the more I cringe when I think about what people are doing to their brains every time they want to get high. It seriously makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I never realized the effects that drugs have on the very cells that everything we do to live depend on, and how every time you inhale marijuana you are robbing the cell of necessary nutrients that leads to a loss of cell energy and then retards the growth, maturation, and optimal function of every cellular system. I think you're pretty stupid if you choose to do that to yourself because you want to feel high for a little while.

-Overall, I am now getting less sleep on average than I used to at the beginning of the school year. This always happens, ugh!!!! I have to get back my sleep system where I'm not up past 12:30 on most nights during the week!! Sleep really does make everything better... seriouslyyyy.

-I am learning more in my Law & Politics (Pol. S. 319-TAKE IT) class than I have learned in all of my classes combined probably from the past year and 2 months or so. It's incredible!!!!! I even started looking at the possibility of going Pre-Law. Yeah... can you even imagine? Sheesh. Anyway, it's a very difficult class. Every day I am forced to learn an entire new language of terms and words and definitions and how to apply them to the law.... on top of that, we must read hundreds of pages of supreme court cases full of dissenting opinions, the majority opinion, complex discussions on original and appellate jurisdiction and substantive due process rights and procedural due process rights... and then apply Amendments of the Constitution and Legislative History and mix in the personalities of Supreme Court Justices and the times at which these cases were decided, and figure out what they're saying and analyze them down to the very last millimeter of information, and then apply all of that in ways that we can analytically discuss in multiple-essay question exams. It makes my head spin every second of every day pretty much, but I can't help but love it!!!

My benadryl is kicking in so I need to turn out the light! the end. <3

"...and I'll take the truth at any cost."

"I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this...

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole."-Paramore


Gosh, I'm saddened by some things. It just kind of hits me some moments more than others, and this is one of those head-on collision moments. How do I say this and tell you how I feel without sounding like a complete hypocrite? I am not perfect. Neither are you. I have my battles, you have yours. But one battle in particular just makes me sad, and confuses me...

I just don't get it. Aren't we supposed to set ourselves apart from the rest? Don't we believe in a God who asks us to be different than everyone else, no matter how good everyone else looks doing it, or how much fun they look like they're having? You know these things, you believe in these things, you go to church and learn about these things every week, you love our heavenly Father and want to follow Him.... and yet, you get to college, and...? You do it, you try it. Why do you drink? Why do you take the cup? Just a one time thing? We can hope, right? But chances are, you'll be doing it again sometime soon. Curiosity? Curiosity will never be satisfied. We will always be curious, so if your reason is because of your curiosity, good luck cutting that habit. Especially if you weren't one of those high school drinkers, why do you get to college and all the sudden feel like it's ok? Like you're not still underage, like you're not still under the commandment to resist temptation the way you did all throughout high school. I feel like going hey here's a high-five you made it through the high-school drinking scene, now welcome to the college drinking scene and... oh, uhhhh I take back that high five. Eh? That's my confusion with the whole matter. If you're gonna drink now, what was the big deal with not doing it throughout high school? Don't you wanna do the BEST you can for the God who loves you so? So you lasted 2 years or so, but now you're gonna throw in the towel- it's just too hard? If you're gonna take a drink now, why did you resist for 4 years or however long alcohol was apart of your social environment? Isn't it kind of all for nothing then?

The thing about morals, to me, is not just about HAVING them. Ask a bunch of people, ask a bunch of non-Christians or non-religious people and they probably have morals too. It's not just about having them, it's about KEEPING them. It's about keeping them even when it's hard, it's about not throwing them out the window for a fun weekend at college parties. Or whatever reason you come up with to justify the fact that you drank when you're not legal. Did you know that the age-limit for legal drinking is the age it's set at because the brain is still developing up til the age of 25, and in special areas that can be hurt and ravaged by alcohol? Our precious, precious brains that let us feel pleasure and pain and control everything our bodies do and feel and think! Yeah, it's not really the government just trying to make young people angry, it's actually for our own good- crazy idea, right? I like rebelling against "the man" and authority every now and then just like anyone does, but I know laws are made to protect us and they're made for the good of humanity.

Why do I get the feeling that people, CHRISTIANS, are just dropping like flies when they stand up to alcohol in the college setting? I don't know. One soul... is a SOUL. So one is enough to make my head spin, but any more than that and I'm in tears over this. I'm not even kidding... I'm really saddened by this. It breaks my heart to see lost people lose themselves even more and cover it up with vodka and beer. It breaks me to see a broken generation break themselves over and over again, weekend after weekend, until they're out of control.

Set yourselves apart.

Something to believe in

My favorite song, hands down, from the "Memory Man" album by Aqualung. Don't these lyrics give you chills? Because I think it captures the essence of lost people. Especially my generation. Check these out-

"You talk too much
Maybe that's your way
Of breaking up the silence
That fills you up
But it doesn't sound the same
When no one's really listening

We stumble into our lives
Reach for a hand to hold
Any wonder we need to find
A certain something certain

Turn out the light
And what are you left with
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty
Press my face to the ground
I've got to find a reason
Just scratching around
For something to believe in

You have too much
And spending all your time
Collecting and discovering
It's not enough
And no matter how you try
You never find the one you want

We stumble into our lives
Without a hand to hold
Any wonder we need to find
A certain something certain

Turn out the light
And what are you left with
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty
Press my face to the ground
I've got to find a reason
Still scratching around
For something to believe in
Something to believe in."

"they taped over your mouth, scribbled out the truth with their lies"

Oh goodness. I could not be more stressed than I already am.

the truth is, I feel like a prisoner. I'm chained to all these obligations that come from my responsibilities and my duties, and I know they have to be done, but they are just consuming my free-spirit, happy little self. Honestly. It's sad.

I thought last year was tough, being a freshman and all. Ha. Sophomore year is even better...... I mean, busier. Maybe it's a different kind of busy, but call it what you want- it still leaves me wanting to run away to some far-away country and never come back. K, a little dramatic I know, but seriously... the feelings are strong here. I'm in the middle of the storm, it's expected.

Class. laaaaame. bye.

Abba!

There's really no other way to describe this past weekend besides this one word: Full.

From the visiting friends, sitting outside Stomping Grounds drinking coffee, smoking and seeing how many drunk people walking around campustown we could get to yell back the Go Hawks chant, walking everywhere and anywhere and freezing our butts off... from the early morning tailgating, the intense rivalry football game, storming the field after a victory and going absolutely insane, running into my 2 favorite boys from Bethel, relaxing by sitting around and drinking tea with friends, having amazing conversations and hearing hilarious stories... all the way to an early morning drive back to Des Moines, laffy taffy for breakfast on the road, church with Nick's family, brunch following, time spent with my wonderful mom at home, my dog bounding from the neighbor's yard all the way up to where I stood on our deck he was so excited to see me, conquering the giant big-screen tv and fitting it in my car, driving back to Ames, resettling, dinner at Clyde's, watching Robin Williams Live comedy show on the big-screen, and rocking Super Mario 64 old school nintendo.

this weekend was definitely full-throttle, and completely awesome. On the other hand, I'm now looking forward to a weekend where I can just relax and not do much of anything.

not exactly a deep-thinking blog tonight, but I promise that'll happen again soon. the thoughts are a-swirling already.

here's one deep thought that I've been thinking about today: if I believe in the God of the Bible, do I live it out or do I just say that I believe in the God of the Bible? because if God is the God of the Bible, the creator of everything, why do I come across a problem and immediately act like the God of this universe isn't bigger than my problem and hasn't already conquered everything this world throws at me? well, I DO believe in God, the God who made me, who made everything, who watches over me like a concerned, loving Father to a child.... so the second a problem comes up, just remember God our Father, and what He did- ALL that He did, and you will realize.. how can you doubt someone who did ALL of that and is doing it all still? Just read the Bible, and look around at your life right now. It's all right there. All the answers you will ever need.

k love you bye!

"I put my faith in you, so much faith, and then you just threw it away!"

This is where I'm at.

I'm on a teeter-totter. Arriving at the pretty park, I let go of mom's hand. I saw it and I ran to it. Reminiscing back to my happy childhood, I climb on and my imagination soars. I'm flying up and down, dodging clouds and pretending I'm a bird. The child in me is full of glee. I am not full of any cares whatsoever. Something changes in the air around me. It's cold. It gets dark outside. The teeter-totter is big and scary. I know I can't get off yet. I'm too scared to move. I'm in shock from such rapid change. My mom is no where to be seen. All I know is that I am not enjoying being on the teeter-totter anymore.

College has turned into a big, scary teeter-totter sitting in a pretty park I couldn't wait to arrive at and enjoy to the fullest. The playground is a canvas of bright colors and covered with shiny toys that sparkle in the sunlight, but the teeter-totter is anything but pretty to me. The up-and-down motion doesn't make me feel like I'm soaring amongst white, puffy cloud shapes that taste like cotton candy. It makes me sick. It's jerking me around and having its way with me. I have no parent to run to. And it's funny, there have been MANY (count them, many) moments throughout my freshman year alone, that I have realized this. I'm getting older, I'm a sophomore now. But I still have moments where I realize it, and it makes me lose my breath if just for that moment. I point to my place in the family growing up once again, and I will do it probably for the rest of my life, not as an excuse but as an explanation for why I am the way I am... I am the baby. My friend Zach loves to mock me and yell, "OH WAHH! you baby." And you know what I have to say to that? You're right. You got me. Yep. I am the baby. I will always be the baby. I will always look to someone else to take care of me before I just do it myself, maybe it will get easier for me later on, but I'm finding that it doesn't matter how many years I add on, I still have the tendency to look up and hope someone else is there to help- a big sister of some sort, in metaphorical sense, and sometimes, in a literal sense.

I'm sure I can think of times in my life where I wasn't the youngest child, I wasn't acting that role. But for the most part, I am the young one with wide eyes and arms reaching out for someone to catch me before I fall. I trust that someone else will always be there for me. I rely on myself for things, but right now this is just how I feel, and I can't stop thinking about how on so many things, I don't or I can't rely on myself. And it's frustrating.

On another note,

I've begun another "wait, what do I want to do with the rest of my life again?" phase. It leads to other questions like, "wait, what am I doing here?" or "wait, why am I doing this, and why am I not over there doing THAT?" Among other things of that kind. You could call it internal mind freak-out mode. Does everyone have a billion interests and things they have passion for? Or is it just me? If you just blurted out a bunch of "things someone might want to do in their life"- for like every one of them, except maybe 2, I would say YES I WANT TO DO THAT, YES THAT INTERESTS ME, YES, YES, YES!!! Well, because of this, I have one question for you "all-knowing career guidance counselors"..... WHAT KIND OF MAJOR DO YOU MAJOR IN AT A RESPECTABLE, 4-YEAR COLLEGE IF YOU LOVE TO DO LIKE A BAJILLION DIFFERENT THINGS!? I would seriously love to know the answer to that.

I want to go to New Zealand, I want to travel everywhere.... Barcelona, Florence, Ireland, Venice, London, Greece, Austria, Rome, Berlin, Sydney.... you name it, I want to travel there. I want to study art and make art. I want to sing and dance for millions of people. I want to build a house. I want to paint and be a struggling artist with no money. I want to touch my foot in every ocean. I want to do missions work in Africa or South America or China, or ALL OF THE ABOVE. I want to write for a magazine. I want to be a lawyer, maybe. I want to be a fashion model and walk the runways of Paris. I want to learn how to play the guitar, and re-learn how to play the drums. I want to take a road-trip across the United States. I want to go to Boston. I want to teach English to 3rd world countries. I want to be a Spanish translator for missionaries. I want to study poetry and all the great poets of the world, I want to be published EVERYWHERE. I want to counsel other people with sicknesses and diseases that affect their every-day life and share my story and touch someone's life. I want to be an intern at a church youth group and work with high school or junior high students. I want to write movie reviews. I want to be in a movie. I want to be a mother and wife. I want to write books. I want to own my very own coffee shop and have local musicians play at it. I want to live at sea for a couple months.

Seriously, that's just the top of the iceberg.

I'm on a teeter-totter.

kidney stones, ISU football, my hero Nick, me= zombie thanks to Darvocet, and critique I just can't accept about my writing... whoaaaa!

I look back on the past few days, and I just don't know what to say about it all. I have so many things floating around in my head right now. I'm having trouble separating it all out and focusing on them one at a time. Instead, everything is just one big blur.

Saturday started out bad the MOMENT I woke up. Seriously. I'm climbing down my ladder from my loft, and the kidney pain hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm just like, are you kidding me? Come on. The rest of the day was off and on, it came in waves, but it was constant. I tried to mask it most the time, but sometimes you just can't. It's never a good day to have kidney problems, but that day was particularly annoying to have to deal with it because I just wanted to have a good time at the ISU football game with friends and have fun and laugh... halfway through the 2nd quarter, I couldn't even hold my self up without someone supporting me, my body was just giving up and I couldn't see straight I was so dizzy and nauseous. I was so desperate to catch a Cy-ride bus to get back to Friley, but none of the buses were coming for at least 15 minutes and I couldn't wait that long... pain was starting to radiate again. We couldn't get ahold of my sister to pick me up and drive me back, so there was nothing to do but just tough it out and try to walk. I walked about half of the journey from Jack Trice Stadium with Nick supporting me and making sure I didn't fall over, stopping every few minutes so I could sit down and regain a tiny bit of energy.. and the other half Nick actually carried me the rest of the way because the pain was so bad, I was crying, and I was exhausted. I don't know how he did it, but somehow we got back to my room and I took my pain medicine.

Oh, the pain medicine.... it's a love-hate relationship let me tell ya. Darvocet is your friend, and your enemy at the same time. It's a narcotic and it helps my body deal with the pain from kidney stones, but it also has the power to completely sedate me, cause extreme dizziness and vomiting, nauseousness, drowsiness, and other things... trust me the list doesn't get any better. It also makes me completely loopy and do things I seriously don't remember and lose a lot of my inhibitions. My sister came and sat with me and Nick for a couple hours, then she left and Nick just stayed with me the entire night, helping me whenever I needed something and just being an amazing support system for my weakest moments. Oh my gosh, if everyone I knew saw me the way Nick saw me Saturday night, I would flip out. I'm too vulnerable, too weak, too helpless, and too needy. I hate it.

Sunday was the after-effects of the pain medicine.... if I wasn't sleeping at my sister's apartment for 3 hours, I was confined in the quarters of Friley not doing anything at all, just kind of sitting there. existing. but not really with it. Later in the evening I felt a little more alive and hung out with Bri, Nick, Eric and Scott up on 5th floor and had some laughs, but then I took two steps back and couldn't walk back to my room without Nick holding me up and coaching me as I took each step almost fainting at times. I hate the picture these occurrences paint of myself, but I can't change them, I can't control them! And I know that I can't help the fact that the pain and the side-effects make my body act the way it does, I can only be as strong as my body lets me be.... and when I have kidney problems, that's not much strength at all. Monday was unpleasant at best, I made it to one meal at least. I slept and rested most of the time if I wasn't making it to two of my three classes (one just couldn't be achieved). I broke down in tears several times because of my frail state, and had to be pep-talked into just being able to walk to Kildee for my psych class. I was afraid of the unpredictability of my disease, and the fear drives me to tears sometimes. The kidney monster can hit whenever it chooses, and I will be helpless no matter where I am and no matter who I'm with.

Walking down the hall to go to the bathroom makes my body gasp for breath, because it feels like I just ran a marathon. Going up a flight of stairs makes me lose my sense of balance and makes the room start spinning until I can't stand up straight. Last night, I got sharp knife-life kidney pains in my OTHER flank, confirming I have problems with both kidneys and not just the left, and it hurt so bad I couldn't walk at all and Nick carried me to my room.

If I didn't have Nick here in Friley to help me do the simple things that kidney problems make so difficult for me to accomplish, like walking to the bathroom or getting up to go eat a meal at the udcc..... I seriously don't know what I would do. I suppose I could recruit Brian or Eric or even Nick Howard to help me, but they'd probably get freaked out by it and that in turn would make me freak out because I hate making people uncomfortable more than anything else. I could call my sister, but honestly with her schedule I don't know how she would ever have the TIME to help me do those simple things like walk down the hall, plus she'd have to drive 10 minutes every time and that's just not even feasible, not with how frequent the problems happened the past few days. Bottom line, Nick has been my hero, and I couldn't be more grateful for someone to take care of me when I can only do so much to take care of myself.

Guess what? I'm friggin dropping Astro.120, THAT'S WHAT!

My allergies have turned into a full-fledged cold I think.... or just really, really bad allergies. The kidney pain exits, and something else enters- that's how it always is with me, you just learn to deal with it.

I got a B on my first essay in my English 305 class, and it pissed me off more than anything because of the comments I got from my teacher.... I could go into it more in another post, but I'm seriously upset. I'm definitely going to talk to her about it, because it's kind of ridiculous. I know that piece was an A. And her comments about my writing are just unsettling, really unsettling. There's no other way to describe it. It made me think... huh... maybe I should find something else to be my NUMBER ONE PASSION IN THE ENTIRE WORLD that I can actually BE REALLY GOOD AT, gosh dang it. Don't mess with my passions. I'm unsettled.

I'll end with these impeccable lyrics from Copeland's "Love Is a Fast Song"-

You dont have to be ashamed
because youre a miracle through and through
you dont have to be ashamed
of the miracle inside of you

what has love become
its not like we used to hear in those old songs
and its not like yours
what has love become

your love is in motion
and its spinning me around
my heart is in motion
for the movement thats in you

you should not be angry
if all she wants is your money
you should not be angry
because all you want is her body

what has love become
its not like we used to hear in those old songs
and its not like yours
what has love become

your love is a fast song
and im dancing because im loved again
my heart is in motion
for the rhythm inside you
your love is a slow song
its resounding through my world again
my heart is in motion
for the song inside of you

your love is in motion
and its spinning me around again
your love is a fast song
and im dancing because im loved again
your love is a slow song
its resounding through my world again
my heart is in motion
for the song inside of you

hate.

i'm sick of feeling so sick.

i wish this would just go away.

i can't keep feeling this way.

i can hardly move

i just need to do my astronomy hmwrk....

i hate kidney stones.

"You can get all the love that you need once you give it away." -Mae

Well. I'm sitting here in my room, on my futon cushion on my floor (because the actual futon broke), listening to the amazing voice of Hayley Williams from Paramore and the sounds of the rain outside. I just finished my last sip of hot tea in my favorite mug- yellow and white, from Starbucks, with a cute little stamp picture of a brew. My throat started hurting today, and tonight it is just hurting worse and worse... I'm hoping the tea shall remedy temporarily. I've gotten really lucky with my allergies and being back here at ISU this year, because last year... oh man... it was absolute misery. But, still. When allergies hit at all, they hit all the same.

I went over to Aubrey's this afternoon, and we finally talked about what's been going on for the past two weeks. Oh my gosh it was so good to just TALK. Ugh. Everything is ok now, everything turned out to be just misconstrued and it got dragged out into this big thing that wasn't a big thing at all. I needed to hear her side, I needed my best friend to tell me things that I can't see about myself sometimes. After we talked, everything seemed so clear and obvious, like it all made sense and of course things got messed up for a while there. I'm just so glad that burden is off my shoulders now!

I just feel like pieces of my life that were sharp and detached are now coming back together with a new smoothness to them. It makes me feel so good inside, like all the pain and strife is worth it to get to this point.

In my Creative-Nonfiction writing class today, we were put into small groups and given an exercise that had to do with writing metaphors. Each group was given a sort of common abstract idea, and we had to come up with metaphors for what that abstraction smells like, how it looks, and how it sounds. Out of all of the words, my group was assigned 'love'. Oh, goodness. Here we go. I began thinking wow, this is so easy for me, I write about love all the time and think about it all the time too- all of the different kinds of love, not just romantic. But we had to do it collectively with the other members of our group. So we started talking about what to put, and that's when it got messy. It was so strange to me for some reason. My group had SUCH a difficult time coming up with the sounds, smells, and sights for love. And, I realized it towards the end of class, that it was so difficult because love means so many different things to every person. People base it off of experience, or lack of experience so maybe from what they have seen in movies, or read about, or dreamed about. People personalize the word love by how it has affected them, their definition comes from their stories, their home-life, the way they were raised, the people they have experienced in their lives. It was actually frustrating, kind of. The guy in my group, Nate, kept trying to get us to use "Love sounds like the thunder of an approaching storm"... and that just didn't make sense to me, because love doesn't give me that sound when I think about it... at all. The best I came up with was that it sounds like glass shattering because of the pain that comes from love, or maybe it sounds like rain falling- soft, beautiful and unstoppable. The only thing we all agreed on was that love smells like a hot cup of coffee on a cold winter's night. Because love brings warmth to to the soul, and it can comfort. The other girl in my group, Heather, kept saying that all of her metaphors have to do with bad relationships because of her past experiences, so nothing she said really connected with me. Love is so sacred to me, I understand that pain and heartache comes from love and there is an ugly side to the beautiful side of love, but overall love is amazing and should be considered to be dream-like, surreal, and the best thing to ever happen to a person. I dunno, it's just how I think of it. For the "looks like", I did- Love looks like sunshine streaming through your bedroom window, gently waking you for a new, precious day. I dunno. There are so many dynamics of love, maybe my perspective right now is just very happy and cozy and positive and that's why I had a hard time with this exercise. The whole thing was just very weird to me the entire time, and I had to restrain myself at times from exclaiming- What are you people saying!? this is LOVE we're talking about!!

well, I think I'm going to try to fall asleep soon here.... <3

"...well I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE!"

I'm putting my foot down on all of this nonsense. I refuse to give in to what's easy. You know what's easy? Getting mad. Firing frustration off like a gun. Taking advantage of the ones who love us the most... acting as if they'll always be there waiting for our bad moods to get better. I just don't get why we let the pettiness of life consume everything. We stare at these earthly things like it's all there is, like there's nothing more to it than this. Take your gaze heaven-bound.

People are going to let us down. This is a fact. God is the ONLY ONE who will never let us down or disappoint. For all you folks out there who think there is someone else, or several someone elses who are truly ALWAYS there for you and 100% reliable, dependable... sorry to bust your bubble, and I hope this doesn't come off in an angry way- it is more just straightforward and honest, but humans fail other humans all the time. We have to understand that no one can be held to an impossible standard. We have all fallen.

I can only give all of me. Anything else, I can't do it. I have nothing left. I'm sorry. I can share my time with you, use my energy on you, offer my words to you, and just love you in all the ways that we can love people. Anything more than that, I'm sorry, but you're going to be let down if you expect more.

I simply refuse to let the infectious disease seep into my bloodstream and take hold of me. Whatever it is, whatever is making the world off balance- MY world, my people, my hearts and souls that affect me and vice versa- whatever it is, I refuse to allow it to ail my already ailing heart, simply from it infecting people I love and hold dear to my heart.

Gosh.... do you feel it? Do you FEEL?

Let the love of God wash over your heart. If you feel nothing else, feel that. God is love. Love conquers all.

this is the end, it stops here. this nonsense is over. I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE!
<3

"Or, storyless, it may spiral in on itself, circling hte core of a single image or idea, without climax, without a paraphrasable theme."

My lyric essay assignment. It took me 2 and a half hours of solid, focused writing. I think I'm pretty satisfied. Lyric essays are nice because they are in closest form to poetry, and poetry is my favorite because of the language and imagery encompassed into it. This is what the Seneca Review published on lyric essays:

"they forsake narrative line, discursive logic, and the art of persuasion in favor of idiosyncratic meditation."
"The lyric essay partakes of the poem in its density and shapeliness, its distillation of ideas and musicality of language."
"...often accretes by fragments, taking shape mosaically..."
"While it is ruminative, it leaves pieces of interpretation. Its voice, spoken from a privacy that we overhear and enter, has the intimacy we have come to expect in the person essay."
"We turn to the lyric essay-- with its malleability, ingenuity, immediacy, complexity, and use of poetic language-- to give us a fresh way to make music of the world."


Emily Sexton
Engl. 305
9/3/07


"Diseased"


It’s happening again. I am lying in a cold sweat, helpless and writhing in pain. Doctors and nurses swarm around me. Their voices all blend together into one sound. The white walls are silently screaming at my frailty. Wrinkled faces above me speak as if I understand. The truth is I have no idea what is going on. Hands are prodding me, needles are poking me. I just want to know what’s going on, but I cannot voice these thoughts and I cannot move out of fear. I am being rolled into another room, and somebody pulls my convulsing body onto a metal table. X-rays seem so cool when you’re a little kid, but lying underneath dangerous waves of radiation is not all that it’s cracked up to be. My mind is lost in my body’s pain; all I can do is feel. And everything feels bad. Everything hurts. I am too young for this type of thing. I thought grown-ups deal with this stuff. Sickness shouldn’t burden my life yet. I have not even entered high school.

The hospital bed is comfortable, but the narcotics seeping into my bloodstream may or may not have a heavy influence over that observation. However, the room is anything but comfortable. The emptiness and lack of color laugh at me, mocking my inability to move or smile. I feel very alone and very numb. The air smells like that hospital food smell, as if the food is sick and in need of some healing also. Unfamiliar faces walk in and out of my frosted vision every now and then. There is a tube running from a needle in my hand to a bag of clear liquid hanging from a pole on wheels. I feel like ripping it out and letting the blood squirt onto the clean, white sheets just to spite this hospital and all the hurt it reminds me of. I swim back and forth between consciousness and a clouded reality. Pain ebbs at my side, teasing me, as I wonder if it will peak again or remain dull. It never really goes away. It’s always enough just to remind me that it’s there.

I’m missing another day of academia, another day of my youth wasted on woe. My sister leaves for school. Hours and hours later she arrives home, telling my mom about her day and the A she got on a test. My body screams at me, desiring to be out running around like my sister, learning about Shakespeare in English class and going to soccer practice. I tell it to stop whining, weakness has chained us to this bed. It wishes for death sometimes, but my mother’s kind words and loving touch push those futile thoughts far away. I am motionless. I am lying in the exact same place I have been all morning and afternoon, in my room and under my covers. If I get up and try to walk around, I drown in dizziness and it overtakes me. Nausea is like an annoying fly that just won’t leave me alone. It has become my only company. This ongoing battle strains every muscle inside of me and tests every ounce of strength I can muster. I keep on fighting.

I could have died, they told me. Six years ago, my life could have ended. I never would have made it to college. I never would have fallen in love. I never would have seen the east coast. I never would have traveled to another country… I wouldn’t be living right now, period. If that isn’t a scary thought, I don’t know what is. People wonder why I live with such joy, why I laugh so loud. They wonder why even someone hinting at the idea of a hospital fills me up with so much emotion, I might explode. If only they knew the whole story. Maybe if they knew a nurse’s error could have eradicated my existence in the blink of an eye, they would understand a little better. An accidental overdose on morphine could have taken my life, but I am still here. Lungs still breathing. Heart still pumping. I am still alive.

My friends are crowded around; they’re holding my hands and rubbing my back. Everyone’s eyes are on me. They begin to pray over me as I cry and cry and cry. The pain exhausts every inch of me, but I can hear their words float through the air and fly straight up to heaven. My tears stop pouring over and the pain subsides in a matter of seconds. How do you explain something like this? Even in life’s cruelest moments, miracles can be found. Hope can never be destroyed, even in our lowest of times. This is the light that shines through the darkness of a diseased life.

The darkness has overcome me this time. I have lost count now. How many days have dripped with this sorrow that comes from defeat? How many times have I been forced to not participate and have fun with the other kids? How many times have I been unable to contribute, unable to function like everyone else? I am so low. No one is here to hold my hand this time and whisper in my ear, “you can get through this, everything will be ok.” I think about the past five years with weariness in my heart. I wonder about the next fifty with fear at the forefront of a mingled mixture of feelings. I’m old enough now though, to know I must go on. Tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps pain will hinder me, perhaps it will not. That’s just the way it is. For the rest of my life, kidney stone disease will ravage my body. And every time it happens, I will be 13 years old again, lying in the hospital, having no idea what is going on, just feeling… hurting. But I will be living. And that’s all that really matters.

question.

what is going on? no. I mean it. what... is... going... on? with everyone? with everything?

when did we stop being sisters and brothers to each other? since when do we proclaim messages of hate rather than love and forgiveness, and mercy? when did mistakes become permanent marks that can never be washed away from our dirty lives? I'm not sure that's in the Bible anywhere. I am sure that Jesus tells us to forgive one another as He forgives us, and to love our neighbors. Did the whole world just forget these fundamental truths all in one day, and consequently one by one corrupted every pure and holy soul out there with anger, death, and hate?

when did friends become beginners of dissent? when did sisters and brothers of the same Father decide to forsake friendship based on petty differences? do we write each other off because we have a bad day? since when do people who love each other treat one another as if love isn't the center of every relationship? do we go on offering no explanation, no possible solution? do we treat each other as if we don't exist, as if the problems just float away somewhere in the universe away from us and therefore must not need to get the attention they do indeed require for the good of all, for the good of mankind? we don't do what we do and live the way we do solely for the good of one person, we do it for everyone, because we're all interconnected and we all affect one another- in both good and bad ways. do we give our hearts over to our selfishness? do we give into the hate and forsake the love offered freely to us?

tell me when this all happened, because i must have missed the memo. please tell me when everyone decided to attack and ignore and exploit rather than support, respect and lift up. i feel out of the loop. i feel lost inside the pain that surrounds cold hearts and stony eyes. i'm lost in this.