Abba!

There's really no other way to describe this past weekend besides this one word: Full.

From the visiting friends, sitting outside Stomping Grounds drinking coffee, smoking and seeing how many drunk people walking around campustown we could get to yell back the Go Hawks chant, walking everywhere and anywhere and freezing our butts off... from the early morning tailgating, the intense rivalry football game, storming the field after a victory and going absolutely insane, running into my 2 favorite boys from Bethel, relaxing by sitting around and drinking tea with friends, having amazing conversations and hearing hilarious stories... all the way to an early morning drive back to Des Moines, laffy taffy for breakfast on the road, church with Nick's family, brunch following, time spent with my wonderful mom at home, my dog bounding from the neighbor's yard all the way up to where I stood on our deck he was so excited to see me, conquering the giant big-screen tv and fitting it in my car, driving back to Ames, resettling, dinner at Clyde's, watching Robin Williams Live comedy show on the big-screen, and rocking Super Mario 64 old school nintendo.

this weekend was definitely full-throttle, and completely awesome. On the other hand, I'm now looking forward to a weekend where I can just relax and not do much of anything.

not exactly a deep-thinking blog tonight, but I promise that'll happen again soon. the thoughts are a-swirling already.

here's one deep thought that I've been thinking about today: if I believe in the God of the Bible, do I live it out or do I just say that I believe in the God of the Bible? because if God is the God of the Bible, the creator of everything, why do I come across a problem and immediately act like the God of this universe isn't bigger than my problem and hasn't already conquered everything this world throws at me? well, I DO believe in God, the God who made me, who made everything, who watches over me like a concerned, loving Father to a child.... so the second a problem comes up, just remember God our Father, and what He did- ALL that He did, and you will realize.. how can you doubt someone who did ALL of that and is doing it all still? Just read the Bible, and look around at your life right now. It's all right there. All the answers you will ever need.

k love you bye!

"I put my faith in you, so much faith, and then you just threw it away!"

This is where I'm at.

I'm on a teeter-totter. Arriving at the pretty park, I let go of mom's hand. I saw it and I ran to it. Reminiscing back to my happy childhood, I climb on and my imagination soars. I'm flying up and down, dodging clouds and pretending I'm a bird. The child in me is full of glee. I am not full of any cares whatsoever. Something changes in the air around me. It's cold. It gets dark outside. The teeter-totter is big and scary. I know I can't get off yet. I'm too scared to move. I'm in shock from such rapid change. My mom is no where to be seen. All I know is that I am not enjoying being on the teeter-totter anymore.

College has turned into a big, scary teeter-totter sitting in a pretty park I couldn't wait to arrive at and enjoy to the fullest. The playground is a canvas of bright colors and covered with shiny toys that sparkle in the sunlight, but the teeter-totter is anything but pretty to me. The up-and-down motion doesn't make me feel like I'm soaring amongst white, puffy cloud shapes that taste like cotton candy. It makes me sick. It's jerking me around and having its way with me. I have no parent to run to. And it's funny, there have been MANY (count them, many) moments throughout my freshman year alone, that I have realized this. I'm getting older, I'm a sophomore now. But I still have moments where I realize it, and it makes me lose my breath if just for that moment. I point to my place in the family growing up once again, and I will do it probably for the rest of my life, not as an excuse but as an explanation for why I am the way I am... I am the baby. My friend Zach loves to mock me and yell, "OH WAHH! you baby." And you know what I have to say to that? You're right. You got me. Yep. I am the baby. I will always be the baby. I will always look to someone else to take care of me before I just do it myself, maybe it will get easier for me later on, but I'm finding that it doesn't matter how many years I add on, I still have the tendency to look up and hope someone else is there to help- a big sister of some sort, in metaphorical sense, and sometimes, in a literal sense.

I'm sure I can think of times in my life where I wasn't the youngest child, I wasn't acting that role. But for the most part, I am the young one with wide eyes and arms reaching out for someone to catch me before I fall. I trust that someone else will always be there for me. I rely on myself for things, but right now this is just how I feel, and I can't stop thinking about how on so many things, I don't or I can't rely on myself. And it's frustrating.

On another note,

I've begun another "wait, what do I want to do with the rest of my life again?" phase. It leads to other questions like, "wait, what am I doing here?" or "wait, why am I doing this, and why am I not over there doing THAT?" Among other things of that kind. You could call it internal mind freak-out mode. Does everyone have a billion interests and things they have passion for? Or is it just me? If you just blurted out a bunch of "things someone might want to do in their life"- for like every one of them, except maybe 2, I would say YES I WANT TO DO THAT, YES THAT INTERESTS ME, YES, YES, YES!!! Well, because of this, I have one question for you "all-knowing career guidance counselors"..... WHAT KIND OF MAJOR DO YOU MAJOR IN AT A RESPECTABLE, 4-YEAR COLLEGE IF YOU LOVE TO DO LIKE A BAJILLION DIFFERENT THINGS!? I would seriously love to know the answer to that.

I want to go to New Zealand, I want to travel everywhere.... Barcelona, Florence, Ireland, Venice, London, Greece, Austria, Rome, Berlin, Sydney.... you name it, I want to travel there. I want to study art and make art. I want to sing and dance for millions of people. I want to build a house. I want to paint and be a struggling artist with no money. I want to touch my foot in every ocean. I want to do missions work in Africa or South America or China, or ALL OF THE ABOVE. I want to write for a magazine. I want to be a lawyer, maybe. I want to be a fashion model and walk the runways of Paris. I want to learn how to play the guitar, and re-learn how to play the drums. I want to take a road-trip across the United States. I want to go to Boston. I want to teach English to 3rd world countries. I want to be a Spanish translator for missionaries. I want to study poetry and all the great poets of the world, I want to be published EVERYWHERE. I want to counsel other people with sicknesses and diseases that affect their every-day life and share my story and touch someone's life. I want to be an intern at a church youth group and work with high school or junior high students. I want to write movie reviews. I want to be in a movie. I want to be a mother and wife. I want to write books. I want to own my very own coffee shop and have local musicians play at it. I want to live at sea for a couple months.

Seriously, that's just the top of the iceberg.

I'm on a teeter-totter.

kidney stones, ISU football, my hero Nick, me= zombie thanks to Darvocet, and critique I just can't accept about my writing... whoaaaa!

I look back on the past few days, and I just don't know what to say about it all. I have so many things floating around in my head right now. I'm having trouble separating it all out and focusing on them one at a time. Instead, everything is just one big blur.

Saturday started out bad the MOMENT I woke up. Seriously. I'm climbing down my ladder from my loft, and the kidney pain hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm just like, are you kidding me? Come on. The rest of the day was off and on, it came in waves, but it was constant. I tried to mask it most the time, but sometimes you just can't. It's never a good day to have kidney problems, but that day was particularly annoying to have to deal with it because I just wanted to have a good time at the ISU football game with friends and have fun and laugh... halfway through the 2nd quarter, I couldn't even hold my self up without someone supporting me, my body was just giving up and I couldn't see straight I was so dizzy and nauseous. I was so desperate to catch a Cy-ride bus to get back to Friley, but none of the buses were coming for at least 15 minutes and I couldn't wait that long... pain was starting to radiate again. We couldn't get ahold of my sister to pick me up and drive me back, so there was nothing to do but just tough it out and try to walk. I walked about half of the journey from Jack Trice Stadium with Nick supporting me and making sure I didn't fall over, stopping every few minutes so I could sit down and regain a tiny bit of energy.. and the other half Nick actually carried me the rest of the way because the pain was so bad, I was crying, and I was exhausted. I don't know how he did it, but somehow we got back to my room and I took my pain medicine.

Oh, the pain medicine.... it's a love-hate relationship let me tell ya. Darvocet is your friend, and your enemy at the same time. It's a narcotic and it helps my body deal with the pain from kidney stones, but it also has the power to completely sedate me, cause extreme dizziness and vomiting, nauseousness, drowsiness, and other things... trust me the list doesn't get any better. It also makes me completely loopy and do things I seriously don't remember and lose a lot of my inhibitions. My sister came and sat with me and Nick for a couple hours, then she left and Nick just stayed with me the entire night, helping me whenever I needed something and just being an amazing support system for my weakest moments. Oh my gosh, if everyone I knew saw me the way Nick saw me Saturday night, I would flip out. I'm too vulnerable, too weak, too helpless, and too needy. I hate it.

Sunday was the after-effects of the pain medicine.... if I wasn't sleeping at my sister's apartment for 3 hours, I was confined in the quarters of Friley not doing anything at all, just kind of sitting there. existing. but not really with it. Later in the evening I felt a little more alive and hung out with Bri, Nick, Eric and Scott up on 5th floor and had some laughs, but then I took two steps back and couldn't walk back to my room without Nick holding me up and coaching me as I took each step almost fainting at times. I hate the picture these occurrences paint of myself, but I can't change them, I can't control them! And I know that I can't help the fact that the pain and the side-effects make my body act the way it does, I can only be as strong as my body lets me be.... and when I have kidney problems, that's not much strength at all. Monday was unpleasant at best, I made it to one meal at least. I slept and rested most of the time if I wasn't making it to two of my three classes (one just couldn't be achieved). I broke down in tears several times because of my frail state, and had to be pep-talked into just being able to walk to Kildee for my psych class. I was afraid of the unpredictability of my disease, and the fear drives me to tears sometimes. The kidney monster can hit whenever it chooses, and I will be helpless no matter where I am and no matter who I'm with.

Walking down the hall to go to the bathroom makes my body gasp for breath, because it feels like I just ran a marathon. Going up a flight of stairs makes me lose my sense of balance and makes the room start spinning until I can't stand up straight. Last night, I got sharp knife-life kidney pains in my OTHER flank, confirming I have problems with both kidneys and not just the left, and it hurt so bad I couldn't walk at all and Nick carried me to my room.

If I didn't have Nick here in Friley to help me do the simple things that kidney problems make so difficult for me to accomplish, like walking to the bathroom or getting up to go eat a meal at the udcc..... I seriously don't know what I would do. I suppose I could recruit Brian or Eric or even Nick Howard to help me, but they'd probably get freaked out by it and that in turn would make me freak out because I hate making people uncomfortable more than anything else. I could call my sister, but honestly with her schedule I don't know how she would ever have the TIME to help me do those simple things like walk down the hall, plus she'd have to drive 10 minutes every time and that's just not even feasible, not with how frequent the problems happened the past few days. Bottom line, Nick has been my hero, and I couldn't be more grateful for someone to take care of me when I can only do so much to take care of myself.

Guess what? I'm friggin dropping Astro.120, THAT'S WHAT!

My allergies have turned into a full-fledged cold I think.... or just really, really bad allergies. The kidney pain exits, and something else enters- that's how it always is with me, you just learn to deal with it.

I got a B on my first essay in my English 305 class, and it pissed me off more than anything because of the comments I got from my teacher.... I could go into it more in another post, but I'm seriously upset. I'm definitely going to talk to her about it, because it's kind of ridiculous. I know that piece was an A. And her comments about my writing are just unsettling, really unsettling. There's no other way to describe it. It made me think... huh... maybe I should find something else to be my NUMBER ONE PASSION IN THE ENTIRE WORLD that I can actually BE REALLY GOOD AT, gosh dang it. Don't mess with my passions. I'm unsettled.

I'll end with these impeccable lyrics from Copeland's "Love Is a Fast Song"-

You dont have to be ashamed
because youre a miracle through and through
you dont have to be ashamed
of the miracle inside of you

what has love become
its not like we used to hear in those old songs
and its not like yours
what has love become

your love is in motion
and its spinning me around
my heart is in motion
for the movement thats in you

you should not be angry
if all she wants is your money
you should not be angry
because all you want is her body

what has love become
its not like we used to hear in those old songs
and its not like yours
what has love become

your love is a fast song
and im dancing because im loved again
my heart is in motion
for the rhythm inside you
your love is a slow song
its resounding through my world again
my heart is in motion
for the song inside of you

your love is in motion
and its spinning me around again
your love is a fast song
and im dancing because im loved again
your love is a slow song
its resounding through my world again
my heart is in motion
for the song inside of you

hate.

i'm sick of feeling so sick.

i wish this would just go away.

i can't keep feeling this way.

i can hardly move

i just need to do my astronomy hmwrk....

i hate kidney stones.

"You can get all the love that you need once you give it away." -Mae

Well. I'm sitting here in my room, on my futon cushion on my floor (because the actual futon broke), listening to the amazing voice of Hayley Williams from Paramore and the sounds of the rain outside. I just finished my last sip of hot tea in my favorite mug- yellow and white, from Starbucks, with a cute little stamp picture of a brew. My throat started hurting today, and tonight it is just hurting worse and worse... I'm hoping the tea shall remedy temporarily. I've gotten really lucky with my allergies and being back here at ISU this year, because last year... oh man... it was absolute misery. But, still. When allergies hit at all, they hit all the same.

I went over to Aubrey's this afternoon, and we finally talked about what's been going on for the past two weeks. Oh my gosh it was so good to just TALK. Ugh. Everything is ok now, everything turned out to be just misconstrued and it got dragged out into this big thing that wasn't a big thing at all. I needed to hear her side, I needed my best friend to tell me things that I can't see about myself sometimes. After we talked, everything seemed so clear and obvious, like it all made sense and of course things got messed up for a while there. I'm just so glad that burden is off my shoulders now!

I just feel like pieces of my life that were sharp and detached are now coming back together with a new smoothness to them. It makes me feel so good inside, like all the pain and strife is worth it to get to this point.

In my Creative-Nonfiction writing class today, we were put into small groups and given an exercise that had to do with writing metaphors. Each group was given a sort of common abstract idea, and we had to come up with metaphors for what that abstraction smells like, how it looks, and how it sounds. Out of all of the words, my group was assigned 'love'. Oh, goodness. Here we go. I began thinking wow, this is so easy for me, I write about love all the time and think about it all the time too- all of the different kinds of love, not just romantic. But we had to do it collectively with the other members of our group. So we started talking about what to put, and that's when it got messy. It was so strange to me for some reason. My group had SUCH a difficult time coming up with the sounds, smells, and sights for love. And, I realized it towards the end of class, that it was so difficult because love means so many different things to every person. People base it off of experience, or lack of experience so maybe from what they have seen in movies, or read about, or dreamed about. People personalize the word love by how it has affected them, their definition comes from their stories, their home-life, the way they were raised, the people they have experienced in their lives. It was actually frustrating, kind of. The guy in my group, Nate, kept trying to get us to use "Love sounds like the thunder of an approaching storm"... and that just didn't make sense to me, because love doesn't give me that sound when I think about it... at all. The best I came up with was that it sounds like glass shattering because of the pain that comes from love, or maybe it sounds like rain falling- soft, beautiful and unstoppable. The only thing we all agreed on was that love smells like a hot cup of coffee on a cold winter's night. Because love brings warmth to to the soul, and it can comfort. The other girl in my group, Heather, kept saying that all of her metaphors have to do with bad relationships because of her past experiences, so nothing she said really connected with me. Love is so sacred to me, I understand that pain and heartache comes from love and there is an ugly side to the beautiful side of love, but overall love is amazing and should be considered to be dream-like, surreal, and the best thing to ever happen to a person. I dunno, it's just how I think of it. For the "looks like", I did- Love looks like sunshine streaming through your bedroom window, gently waking you for a new, precious day. I dunno. There are so many dynamics of love, maybe my perspective right now is just very happy and cozy and positive and that's why I had a hard time with this exercise. The whole thing was just very weird to me the entire time, and I had to restrain myself at times from exclaiming- What are you people saying!? this is LOVE we're talking about!!

well, I think I'm going to try to fall asleep soon here.... <3

"...well I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE!"

I'm putting my foot down on all of this nonsense. I refuse to give in to what's easy. You know what's easy? Getting mad. Firing frustration off like a gun. Taking advantage of the ones who love us the most... acting as if they'll always be there waiting for our bad moods to get better. I just don't get why we let the pettiness of life consume everything. We stare at these earthly things like it's all there is, like there's nothing more to it than this. Take your gaze heaven-bound.

People are going to let us down. This is a fact. God is the ONLY ONE who will never let us down or disappoint. For all you folks out there who think there is someone else, or several someone elses who are truly ALWAYS there for you and 100% reliable, dependable... sorry to bust your bubble, and I hope this doesn't come off in an angry way- it is more just straightforward and honest, but humans fail other humans all the time. We have to understand that no one can be held to an impossible standard. We have all fallen.

I can only give all of me. Anything else, I can't do it. I have nothing left. I'm sorry. I can share my time with you, use my energy on you, offer my words to you, and just love you in all the ways that we can love people. Anything more than that, I'm sorry, but you're going to be let down if you expect more.

I simply refuse to let the infectious disease seep into my bloodstream and take hold of me. Whatever it is, whatever is making the world off balance- MY world, my people, my hearts and souls that affect me and vice versa- whatever it is, I refuse to allow it to ail my already ailing heart, simply from it infecting people I love and hold dear to my heart.

Gosh.... do you feel it? Do you FEEL?

Let the love of God wash over your heart. If you feel nothing else, feel that. God is love. Love conquers all.

this is the end, it stops here. this nonsense is over. I refuse, I refuse, I REFUSE!
<3

"Or, storyless, it may spiral in on itself, circling hte core of a single image or idea, without climax, without a paraphrasable theme."

My lyric essay assignment. It took me 2 and a half hours of solid, focused writing. I think I'm pretty satisfied. Lyric essays are nice because they are in closest form to poetry, and poetry is my favorite because of the language and imagery encompassed into it. This is what the Seneca Review published on lyric essays:

"they forsake narrative line, discursive logic, and the art of persuasion in favor of idiosyncratic meditation."
"The lyric essay partakes of the poem in its density and shapeliness, its distillation of ideas and musicality of language."
"...often accretes by fragments, taking shape mosaically..."
"While it is ruminative, it leaves pieces of interpretation. Its voice, spoken from a privacy that we overhear and enter, has the intimacy we have come to expect in the person essay."
"We turn to the lyric essay-- with its malleability, ingenuity, immediacy, complexity, and use of poetic language-- to give us a fresh way to make music of the world."


Emily Sexton
Engl. 305
9/3/07


"Diseased"


It’s happening again. I am lying in a cold sweat, helpless and writhing in pain. Doctors and nurses swarm around me. Their voices all blend together into one sound. The white walls are silently screaming at my frailty. Wrinkled faces above me speak as if I understand. The truth is I have no idea what is going on. Hands are prodding me, needles are poking me. I just want to know what’s going on, but I cannot voice these thoughts and I cannot move out of fear. I am being rolled into another room, and somebody pulls my convulsing body onto a metal table. X-rays seem so cool when you’re a little kid, but lying underneath dangerous waves of radiation is not all that it’s cracked up to be. My mind is lost in my body’s pain; all I can do is feel. And everything feels bad. Everything hurts. I am too young for this type of thing. I thought grown-ups deal with this stuff. Sickness shouldn’t burden my life yet. I have not even entered high school.

The hospital bed is comfortable, but the narcotics seeping into my bloodstream may or may not have a heavy influence over that observation. However, the room is anything but comfortable. The emptiness and lack of color laugh at me, mocking my inability to move or smile. I feel very alone and very numb. The air smells like that hospital food smell, as if the food is sick and in need of some healing also. Unfamiliar faces walk in and out of my frosted vision every now and then. There is a tube running from a needle in my hand to a bag of clear liquid hanging from a pole on wheels. I feel like ripping it out and letting the blood squirt onto the clean, white sheets just to spite this hospital and all the hurt it reminds me of. I swim back and forth between consciousness and a clouded reality. Pain ebbs at my side, teasing me, as I wonder if it will peak again or remain dull. It never really goes away. It’s always enough just to remind me that it’s there.

I’m missing another day of academia, another day of my youth wasted on woe. My sister leaves for school. Hours and hours later she arrives home, telling my mom about her day and the A she got on a test. My body screams at me, desiring to be out running around like my sister, learning about Shakespeare in English class and going to soccer practice. I tell it to stop whining, weakness has chained us to this bed. It wishes for death sometimes, but my mother’s kind words and loving touch push those futile thoughts far away. I am motionless. I am lying in the exact same place I have been all morning and afternoon, in my room and under my covers. If I get up and try to walk around, I drown in dizziness and it overtakes me. Nausea is like an annoying fly that just won’t leave me alone. It has become my only company. This ongoing battle strains every muscle inside of me and tests every ounce of strength I can muster. I keep on fighting.

I could have died, they told me. Six years ago, my life could have ended. I never would have made it to college. I never would have fallen in love. I never would have seen the east coast. I never would have traveled to another country… I wouldn’t be living right now, period. If that isn’t a scary thought, I don’t know what is. People wonder why I live with such joy, why I laugh so loud. They wonder why even someone hinting at the idea of a hospital fills me up with so much emotion, I might explode. If only they knew the whole story. Maybe if they knew a nurse’s error could have eradicated my existence in the blink of an eye, they would understand a little better. An accidental overdose on morphine could have taken my life, but I am still here. Lungs still breathing. Heart still pumping. I am still alive.

My friends are crowded around; they’re holding my hands and rubbing my back. Everyone’s eyes are on me. They begin to pray over me as I cry and cry and cry. The pain exhausts every inch of me, but I can hear their words float through the air and fly straight up to heaven. My tears stop pouring over and the pain subsides in a matter of seconds. How do you explain something like this? Even in life’s cruelest moments, miracles can be found. Hope can never be destroyed, even in our lowest of times. This is the light that shines through the darkness of a diseased life.

The darkness has overcome me this time. I have lost count now. How many days have dripped with this sorrow that comes from defeat? How many times have I been forced to not participate and have fun with the other kids? How many times have I been unable to contribute, unable to function like everyone else? I am so low. No one is here to hold my hand this time and whisper in my ear, “you can get through this, everything will be ok.” I think about the past five years with weariness in my heart. I wonder about the next fifty with fear at the forefront of a mingled mixture of feelings. I’m old enough now though, to know I must go on. Tomorrow is a new day. Perhaps pain will hinder me, perhaps it will not. That’s just the way it is. For the rest of my life, kidney stone disease will ravage my body. And every time it happens, I will be 13 years old again, lying in the hospital, having no idea what is going on, just feeling… hurting. But I will be living. And that’s all that really matters.

question.

what is going on? no. I mean it. what... is... going... on? with everyone? with everything?

when did we stop being sisters and brothers to each other? since when do we proclaim messages of hate rather than love and forgiveness, and mercy? when did mistakes become permanent marks that can never be washed away from our dirty lives? I'm not sure that's in the Bible anywhere. I am sure that Jesus tells us to forgive one another as He forgives us, and to love our neighbors. Did the whole world just forget these fundamental truths all in one day, and consequently one by one corrupted every pure and holy soul out there with anger, death, and hate?

when did friends become beginners of dissent? when did sisters and brothers of the same Father decide to forsake friendship based on petty differences? do we write each other off because we have a bad day? since when do people who love each other treat one another as if love isn't the center of every relationship? do we go on offering no explanation, no possible solution? do we treat each other as if we don't exist, as if the problems just float away somewhere in the universe away from us and therefore must not need to get the attention they do indeed require for the good of all, for the good of mankind? we don't do what we do and live the way we do solely for the good of one person, we do it for everyone, because we're all interconnected and we all affect one another- in both good and bad ways. do we give our hearts over to our selfishness? do we give into the hate and forsake the love offered freely to us?

tell me when this all happened, because i must have missed the memo. please tell me when everyone decided to attack and ignore and exploit rather than support, respect and lift up. i feel out of the loop. i feel lost inside the pain that surrounds cold hearts and stony eyes. i'm lost in this.

you make this all worthwhile... you get better by the mile.

yeah and the truth is, I would do anything for you. I would go through the worst pain. I would hurt and hurt and hurt. I would suffer. I would do it all. You're more important than my own life, because you're my friend, and I mean that in the deepest way you can mean it. And you can say what you want to me, you can push me around, beat my heart up a little. I love you the same if you do it and if you don't. That's why it's so hard right now. Maybe other people just don't understand the depth of love in my heart for you. It can outlast the pettiest of fights, the longest freeze-outs, the most painful exchange of words. If there was only one drink of water left and we were both dehydrated, you get the drink. No matter what circumstances surround us, all I think about is how much I love you and how I would do anything for us to be ok again. Right and wrong aren't in the issue. Let me explain that. You can be wrong, but I'm still going to be by your side and I'm still going to jump in front of bullets for you. I know you're going through stuff. I know what you're going through. I know you're slipping a little. I know you're not being yourself because you're learning how to deal with all of this change, and it affects how you treat the people closest to you, like me. I know these things. I know. I was angry at first. Now I'm just tired of being separated from you, even though I've cried at least 3 times on your account this week. You've hurt my heart so much, but I know things are going to be ok. I just love you and love your friendship. No questions asked.

love.

the greatest of these is love
the most painful of these is love
dost love not trap us all
dost love not hold us captive
love's seasons change faster than autumn's leaves
love's strings strain harder than tendons to bones
love hath power to destroy us in one breath
love hath mystery to entice us in one kiss
dost love not keep us apart
dost love not push further away
thy flame burns out and will fade
thou art a spark waiting to evade
thy garden dries up and dies
thou art a weed twisting in lies
I bid thee love to be fairest of them all
I admit thee love to be scariest of them all
thou art far easiest to enthrall
thou art thy lover's worst fall.

speak up, I want to hear your voice

My first assignment for my English 305-Creative Nonfiction class. We had to write a paragraph about our voice, and where it came from.

Emily Sexton
Engl. 305
8/27/07


My voice has been performing ever since I can remember. If there are people present, I have an audience, and my voice wants to be heard. My older sister has always been ambitious, smart, and, well, older… so I grew up in her shadow. My voice learned how to compensate for being number two in the family by being loud, funny, and animated. If I wasn’t singing, I was laughing, if I wasn’t laughing, I was retelling a dramatic event, if I wasn’t doing that, I was using my voice to entertain or receive a reaction one way or another. My voice can never be boring, so it must be exciting, passionate, and vivacious. My voice cannot be lost in someone else’s wake, so it always screams, always responds, always makes noise of some sort… and always finds ways to please whoever may be listening. I am the energetic one, with the ever-changing voice.

disconnected

it hurts to see you standing there
holding on to someone other than me
i thought we were together
the closest, until the end
it hurts to feel your words
cut up my face, my hands
when all i've done is reach out
when i've done all i can
it hurts to look at you now
so unreceptive, so cold
i know you've got a lot going on
but so do i, so do i.

i've been where you are
i've done what you're doing
what will break this barrier
that's keeping you from me

it hurts to stand here without you
will you please come back
can we get through this
can we make it out alive

remember what friendship is
remember what love means
remember we both fall sometimes
remember that together we are the best

it hurts to feel shut out
i yearn for reconciliation
can you put aside the errors
and find love in this, for us?

remember.
-----------------------------------

I know some may say I'm being too hard on myself, but this is how I feel right now. I am the biggest disappointment. I cause strife and pain for the people I love the most. I constantly fail to meet your expectations. I fail to be the friend I should be. I make stupid mistakes that add up and look like one big ink blot that has bled over every centimeter of white on the page. I say too much, I don't say enough, I can't make enough time for you, but I make too much time for someone else. I do one thing right, but you have a problem with my happiness because it changed things and now we have to deal with the change. Things get difficult, and it ends up being Emily's fault and Emily's issue and Emily's mission to fix and overcome. The blame falls on me. You've disconnected yourself from me, but apparently it's my job to bridge the gap you've failed to make. It's all my fault things are falling apart. It always is. That's how I feel. Now it's time to write about my "voice" in an English paper and read my Drug Education book before falling asleep, if I can even do so with such a heavy heart. the end.

this doesn't even feel like a weekend

"Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the life
To my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
(Ahh Yeahhh)

You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
And you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Would you take me deeper, now

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything, everything..."--Lifehouse

Thank you, Lifehouse, for putting it beautifully and simply.

I've definitely renewed my love for their music, it even made it into my playlist to go to sleep to because their songs calm my soul.

After sitting in training early this morning for 4 hours, I have come to a joyful realization. I think my purpose this semester, though consisting of many things, will be found in my job as a tutor for America Reads/America Counts. Like Troy's message last Sunday morning at Cornerstone church, I am where I am because I'm going to be used to influence others for the Gospel, for the Kingdom of God. What better influence do I have on young, impressionable people than being a teacher, helper, listener, and supporter to them and to their education? The second I walk in that classroom, I'm going to be their hero probably just because they hear the word "college" and think WOW she's in COLLEGE.... and from there, I've got these little souls under my influence. I can really make a difference in somebody's life. Maybe this will be the time. Maybe this will be it!

<3

Did you know how you would move me? well, I don't really think so

It's amazing to me to step outside of myself now and see what a difference there is between living for God and living for yourself. Selfishness is a choice and it's always a struggle for me. But it's freeing to give yourself up completely to someone who won't ever disappoint or let you down, who won't ever stop loving you, who offers promises of hope and strength, who is with you at all times and knows you deeper than any human could possibly dig, and who made you and created you bearing their beautiful and perfect image. not bad, I guess.

I've re-entered a very dangerous world this week. It's dangerous for so many reasons. You could say it's dangerous because of its many temptations and lusts, or because of its potential abuse of freedom, its pressures and stresses, its filthiness. Because of its invincible attitude, its reckless behavior, its ever-increasing responsibility looming overhead, its financial burden, its false teachings, its endless escapes from reality, and its harsh reality.

But I think Jesus Christ is on this campus, and I think He's at work in every inch of it.

I'm so excited for Salt this year. I'm so excited to cook dinner at my sis's apartment this Sunday night.

I'm so not excited for training tomorrow (Friday) night and Saturday morning. I'm so scared to be a tutor to kindergarten-aged kids, or 3rd graders, or 5th graders- all looking at me and waiting to see how I act and what I say. I don't know how I'm going to balance my time, energy, and resources this semester. I'm being challenged already to fail like I did last semester, and I'm scared to fail again, because I know I'm better than that. I'm worried my illness will kick-start a fall, because it always does it seems. Every phone call, text or e-mail from my mom pleads with me to be taking care of myself, to do all that I can to stay healthy. and I am, but it's when things get out of my control that cause so many problems. I just trust that whatever happens, I can have enough strength to rise above it. I feel so much pressure, mostly from my own standards, to score high and impress and succeed and achieve.

All of these things fell so heavily on my heart last night, that tears just started pouring down my face and I sat face-down at my desk just feeling like a train wreck waiting to happen. Aubrey reminded me to listen to my own advice that I gave her just the other day, and to read the verses I gave her as well, which are encouraging and comforting. Nick came over and held me til I stopped crying, looked me in the eyes and told me I can do anything, and that he believes in me and why don't I? Eventually, everything started to not feel so heavy, and it got better from there. All I can do is take everything one by one, step by step down the road. And when I need a rest, I know I can cast my cares upon the Lord and renew my strength for a new day.

My English 305 class (Creative Non-Fiction Writing) is incredible already.
My Pol. S. 319 class (Law & Politics) is kicking my butt already.
aaaaaaand The End.
<3

Sophomore year at ISU begins

So many things to write about! So many!

I've been back in Ames for almost a week now, and today was the official first day of classes. Being a sophomore is different than being a freshman (imagine that). The second time around is different. And it's good, because I have some knowledge that helps me in adjusting back to the school routine and living here on my own once again. But I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed, just like last year. It's still a change. It's still an adjustment period. And this time I'm in my own room without a roommate, so I really am by myself, and this time my sister isn't living in the dorms with me, she's in her own apartment. It's just different. This time I have a boyfriend, and that's just a whole different category in and of itself, which I could discuss in length how good of an influence it is in my life right now.... but anyway, college.

I only had two classes today. Usually I will have 3 on Mondays, but I didn't have my Astronomy 120 recitation this week. Instead, I just had Psych 280- Social Psychology, and Poli Sci 319- Law & Politics. I have Psych with my friend Ben, which is very exciting, and I have a good feeling about the class overall. I think it will be very challenging though. I had an awesome lunch with Nick, Charles, Eric, Brian Smith, and his roommate, and 2 girls I met from Nick. We just laughed a lot and it was a nice break in my day from the heat and the humidity, and walking and sweating, and focusing on syllabuses. I can definitely say my Law and Politics class is going to be absolutely AMAZING. I could not be more excited to start learning about and reading the court cases and talking about them. My professor is this old, frail-looking woman with gray hair and a broken arm... but she is a freakin TOUGH cookie...umm, she's just very strong in her speech. She is very articulate and easy to listen to, even though what she says is very harsh and honest and intelligent. She had a nice schpiel (sp anyone?) on how none of us should give the slightest care as to what her politics are and whether she's liberal, conservative, whatever, that it doesn't matter and she plans it so that at the end of the semester we still will have no idea what her personal opinions are. I liked that. I hate when professors push their beliefs on their students just because they are in a position of authority. So anyway, I am WAY beyond excited for this class. And way scared, haha... it's gonna be my hardest class I think. I'll do my best, and that's all I can do!

Oh my gosh, Aubs and I had some time together tonight that I needed for SURE. It was so great being with her. I just needed my best friend. :)

THere's an awesome storm going on outside.

This is my focus right now:

"There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the LORD'S counsel-- that will stand." -Proverbs 19:21

In my next post, I'll write more about what God's doing in my life and my thoughts on this past Sunday morning's sermon at Cornerstone Church (which was absolutely incredible!). Just incredible.

ok love you bye! <3

"cause I'm learning to breathe"

it's finally here. The day of getting everything ready because tomorrow I move back to ISU. ahhhhh, finally.

Yesterday was a really awesome day. Nick and I spent the entire day together pretty much, and in Ames. so that's like a double whammy.

We started out our adventure eating lunch at Subway in the jordan creek mall because he had to get a new cell phone plan, his step-mom Barb joined us and then we spent a lot of time in the verizon wireless store... a lot. hah. then we drove to Ames, and the drive there was like a breath of fresh air, it felt like I was going home. Traffic was kinda crazy at times, but we made it there in one piece. We parked in the Martin/Eaton lot, went up to his room and saw it, tried to set up his internet, had an awkward encounter with his roommate and his roommate's gf, and took the last couple of his things up to his room like the tv and his ladder. Then we walked around Friley and found our way over to my side, where I'll be living, and my CA was there so I got her to let me into my room to see it! It'll be a tight squeeze, but I get it all to myself... I'm pumped. The no air-conditioning is gonna be a killer though. But I got through it last year, I can do it again. Then we drove to Erin's apartment and hung out with her for a little bit. Nick and I decided we both want to move into our own apartments after seeing Erin's... seriously sign me up! We drove back to Friley, made another stop in Nick's room to get his guitar, and then we drove downtown to find Keeper's guitar shop so he could get his guitar fixed. Whenever we drove somewhere I pointed out where all the good stuff in Ames is... you know, Cafe Diem, Hy-vee, Target, Pancheros, Jimmy Johns, etc. After getting the guitar business all figured out, I drove Nick to Stomping Grounds :). I got a rootbeer, my favorite kind of rootbeer EVER is from Stomping Grounds and it felt so great to taste it again... and to be inside Stomping Grounds cause I just LOVE it there. Then we had to make another stop back in Friley because Nick forgot his wallet. I went down to the 2nd floor and saw my friends Steve and Brek's room, and I got really excited to see them in just a few days. I also ran into 2 people from the Helser gang- Renee and Mike! After Nick got his wallet, he took me out to dinner at Hickory Park (my first time EVER) for my birthday dinner :). It was AMAZING. I got this Hickory barbecue chicken, with a salad and fries, and then we split a chocolate chip sundae and had the servers sing happy birthday to me. haha. Dinner was fabulous. Good conversation. Good food. what else is there? Afterwards we drove back to Friley, and I finally ran into Nick Howard, who is Nick's CA and a good friend of mine from Salt Co.! We chatted for a little while. It was so nice to see him! Then Nick and I watched tv, X-Men 2 was on and I had never seen it so that was pretty exciting. He has no seating in his room because there's seriously no room for anything, so we laid on the floor it was really cute haha.

That was pretty much my day! Today I'm going to be busy getting all of my crap ready to take to Ames tomorrow... woooo!! lataz. <3

it's my birthday!!!!!!!!

so far today....

Nick was the first person to wish me a happy birthday, he kept checking his phone for the time and right when it turned midnight he came over to me, gave me a hug and said happy birthday.

Michelle, Caleb, Bobby and Kathleen were among the first to wish me happy birthday as well, as I was with them all at Michelle's house right when midnight struck.

I got a birthday text from Kayla

Every time I check my facebook, I have more birthday wishes

I woke up and walked upstairs to behold a brand new, beautiful, black and silver bike that my parents got me! I've wanted a bike for so long and especially to have one in Ames, I'm so excited.

Tommy Ogden just called me personally to wish me happy birthday

Aubrey texted me happy birthday and is getting home tonight :)

and it's only 2 oclock in the afternoon.
I feel so special <3<3<3

"From the inside out, Lord my soul cries out..."

If anybody would ask, I'd tell them that I had an amazing day today. I really did. It started out being a lot less than amazing, but then it turned out to be amazing.

Almost immediately after thinking and writing about how much I want to just sit and talk about important things, things that matter in life and are worth talking about, I received a phone call from my friend Lindsey to join her at Panera for food and good conversation. I was amazed. We talked about so many things... all of the stuff going on in our lives that is truly affecting us and truly important right now. I love those one-on-one talks, and I loved this one because I could see Lindsey's heart through all that she was saying. And there's something special about not just connecting on an intellectual level, or an emotional level, or just any kind of relational level in general- but a spiritual connection in conversation. It makes God that much more real to me, when I get to see His work through the communications that go on between me and my friends. I'm going to be a sophomore in college, and Lindsey will be a senior in high school, but her maturity really shone through when I was sitting there with her. And it made me feel good, because growth is good and change is good... and when I see people I love dearly growing in their walk with the Lord, it makes me feel unified with them and whole inside.

After driving to Trop Sno with her, briefly saying hi to Zach and James, I drove to Barnes & Noble and bought 5 amazing books that I cannot wait to read this year:
1. Mere Christianity -C.S. Lewis
2. Sex God -Rob Bell
3. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance -Robert M. Pirsig
4. The Bell Jar -Sylvia Plath
5. Brand New World -Aldous Huxley
6. and, the 3rd Harry Potter movie soundtrack (i'm pushing up my glasses as I type this...)

so that was amazing for me. Ugh, I love books.

Then Immersion tonight..... was awesome. I can't remember the last time I prayed that much, and for so many people, and so thoroughly, and deeply. And when we sang, "From The Inside Out," I totally forgot that I was in a room full of other people- it was just me and God, child and Father. I released so much, and gave, and took, and received... I haven't felt this whole in a long, long time. So one with the One who made me. It's amazing.

It was our last after-party at Scott's house. Our Thursday night ritual has come to an end as we all go our own ways for the school year, some of us clustered at Iowa State and U of Iowa, some at UNI, some in Missouri, some in Ohio... we're all heading off somewhere. I'm so glad I got to know everyone I didn't know until this summer, like Nick and Scott and Michelle. It's amazing how God brings such great people into your life. I love thinking about that. I, for one, will surely miss our Mac 'n Tea nights at Scott's after Immersion. :(

It's just been an amazing day after all of that. Nothing to complain about. Not even Zach slapping me in the eye numerous times.

Hey. I turn 19 in one day! :)
<3 the end

"...then ask me what it's like to have my self so figured out. wish I knew."

This is one of those days, or, rather... one of those WEEKS, where all I want to do is sit somewhere and drink coffee, or tea, all day long (forget food!). And watch the weather, and think about life, and talk about the things that really matter. I feel like I'm spinning.

I wish I were in Paris, or Rome, or Florence... sitting in a quaint cafe, discussing the beauty of the city and art and favorite poets and authors. I could sit on a dock overlooking the sea and write about people as they walk by and somehow write an amazing piece that links humanity with beautiful metaphors like gardens and the ocean, just from my observations, and learn about life and teach others about it.

If I were moved back into my dorm at ISU, I would have my room dimly lit with soft background music playing (Brand New, "Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't"). I'd be bumming around in my blue wangsta (gangsta + wigger) warm-up pants, a large valley soccer sweatshirt from many years ago, big fluffy slippers, and I'd be typing this from my spot on my futon as a storm brews and blows against my window facing Lincoln Way, making me feel safe and warm.

I'm spinning. There's an orbit in my head, and I'm riding the line in-between planet carefree fun and planet responsible reality. The latter is much bigger, scarier, and closer. But I'm excited, oh so excited for what is to come. I have no fear. Just promises of living for something real, something more than just this world.

Does anyone really know what they want to be? Am I not already who I am going to be, because I am being right now? Am I not this person that lives every day out- will I not be this person someday later on because I attended a 4-year university and have accreditation to my name that I don't have just yet? I know not my course, but Somebody does. That's all I care about.

And to end this entirely strange collection of thoughts...

"Oh we're so c-c-c-controversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth.
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down,
This is the way you wish your voice sounds,
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue’s the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
And it’s all from watching TV,
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn’t stop if I could.
Oh, it hurts to be this good.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh, it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
Oh, so let it go."
--Brand New

Lots of Love <3>

"...my soul has never had this feeling, and it feels like gold"

I'm just EXCITED to get back to school!
To give you a picture of what I mean...
When I'm just sitting at home, I probably walk downstairs to my basement at the least 5 times a day just to walk by and get a glimpse of all my bins and things that will finally be transferred to my new room in Friley in just a little over one week. I can't wait to get out of here. Here. It's abstract. I can't wait to get out of this place- not a specific place, just this place that I'm in right here, right now. I can't wait to be somewhere new again, to change. I can't wait to pack up the last few things in my room here in my parent's house, and just fly the coop. I get a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about it, about all the anxiety and all the feelings swirling around because I'm looking forward to it so much and I don't think the move can come soon enough! Some moments I'm overwhelmed because it seems like there's so much more I have to do and things I have to accomplish and tasks I must finish before I move back in to college next Wednesday, but other moments I'm just dying to be there RIGHT this second and it seems like time is moving so slowly ughhhhh. You know? To be honest, I'm not eating that much. and I think it's because I'm SO eager and SO anxious and SOOO looking forward to next week that I can't find the appetite inside of me to eat food.... seriously. I eat maybe one and a half meals per day. ahh.

I'm excited for so many different reasons:

-seeing and reuniting with friends I made last year, all of the Helser gang, eating meals with Mel, Brek and Steve, tennis with Andrew, mountain dew drinking aplenty with Pitz and Andrew, Mario Party/Mario Kart with everyone, Disney movies with Bryce.
-being a sophomore, having some experience (some).
-being up in Ames with Aubrey (together again!), Caely, Natalie, James, and Nick :)
-having my sister's apartment to go to
-having my own room, hopefully being able to deal with my disease and sickness more easily
-changing my major
-being involved in the Salt Co., Thursday nights!!!
-weekends out at parties, still not drinking.
-Fat Night!!!!
-more new people I will meet, from my new House and dorm and stuff
-being away from mom and dad's problems
-the freedom, of course
-just being back in a place that is now a real home to me!
---------------------------------------------------
I was doing a devotional yesterday afternoon after I opened at Trop Sno, and I read from this book called Promises, Promises, Promises. It takes verses from The Message version of the Bible and has them categorized in every life situation you can imagine being in, and all it does is encourage and fill you up with the promises of God's Word. It's all so simple and easy to understand too, just black and white, and I like that. Anywayyyy, so these are kind of some main things I was pondering and praying about and writing about:

~Colossians 3:16-17... 'Let the Word of Christ - the Message - have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives - words, actions, whatever - be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.'

~on ANGER... 'A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.' --Proverbs 15:1

~'Don't hang out with angry people; don't keep company with hotheads. Bad temper is contagious- don't get infected.' --Proverbs 22:24-25

~on BELIEF... 'Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute.' --1 Corinthians 16:13

~relating to Justin's talk last Thursday at Immersion... James 2:14-17... essentially: 'God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense!' (like the shell of a locust...... get the connection?)

~Dimensions of good character:
Spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, generous love..... develop and build on these.
----------------------------------------------------

I'm learning how to be content with what God gives me. The end! <3