there's so much more than this
there's so much more than pain
there's so much more than worry
there's so much more than pressure
there's so much more than scars
there's so much more than having a good day
there's so much more than having a bad day
there's so much more than having fun
there's so much more than fear
there's so much more than tears
there's so much more than hurting
there's so much more than breathing
there's so much more to life than this.
we were meant for so much more.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
"for all that we knew, you were safe home"
why did he scribe his name on my heart
when he looks at me i see crystal stars
he pulls me in and i'm twirling in the clouds
weightless i'm spinning tirelessly in his arms
why did he scribe his name on my heart
he looks my way and i freeze to stop the tears
he sits across the table and i'm in another world
pained i try not to forget to keep breathing
why did he scribe his name on my heart
his eyes are dancing erupting with life
he moves with the music conducting his soul
why won't he reach out and take my hand
why did he scribe his name on my heart
my eyes scream to behold his angelic face
i find it hard to move when he walks in the room
no matter how much he tries to stay away
my heart is scribed with his precious name
and it does not want anyone but him.
when he looks at me i see crystal stars
he pulls me in and i'm twirling in the clouds
weightless i'm spinning tirelessly in his arms
why did he scribe his name on my heart
he looks my way and i freeze to stop the tears
he sits across the table and i'm in another world
pained i try not to forget to keep breathing
why did he scribe his name on my heart
his eyes are dancing erupting with life
he moves with the music conducting his soul
why won't he reach out and take my hand
why did he scribe his name on my heart
my eyes scream to behold his angelic face
i find it hard to move when he walks in the room
no matter how much he tries to stay away
my heart is scribed with his precious name
and it does not want anyone but him.
Friday, January 25, 2008
He is my light, my strength, my song
Over the past week, I have gone through an immense amount of TRAUMA.
1. Severe bodily injury, as from a gunshot wound or a motor vehicle accident.
2. Psychological or emotional injury caused by a deeply disturbing experience.
3. A serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident.
4. An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person, often leading to neurosis (neurosis: any of various mental or emotional disorders involving symptoms such as insecurity, anxiety, depression, and irrational fears).
If I were to drive past the exact sight of where my car accident took place RIGHT this instant, I would have a panic attack and hyperventilate. My body is in a state of shock, in which it completely shuts itself down to protect itself after undergoing the intense collision from the semi-truck hitting my car. This causes my limbs to go numb and leaves me temporarily paralyzed and hard to catch my breath.
The first few days after the crash were the worst, where I could hardly sleep I was having such frequent nightmares of the semi-truck coming at me and hitting me. I haven't been able to write about the crash until recently, because I couldn't get the motivation inside- the memory was still too fresh. Now I can write about it. Now I can think about it and not break down into jelly.
My initial thoughts, besides sheer unbelief that I was alive and walking, were consumed with confusion and muddied with things I probably shouldn't have been thinking, but did anyway. Not like I was wishing I would have died, not at all, but just... this huge disbelief that I made it out alive, that God still had more for me to do on earth and I'm here for a reason. It was a wake-up call to my faith for sure.
My current thoughts are now surrounded and influenced by the post-affects of the accident... the trauma and what the shock did to my body. I have physical therapy for a month now, to help rebuild the ability to use my muscles properly and for them to heal appropriately. Also, to prevent them from healing the way that they currently are now-tight, basically on lock-down, and hard to move.
I have an amazing support group to do just that-- support me. Especially in these hard times of my life. In one of my many conversations about the crash and how I was doing, my sister encouraged me to focus on a specific command in the Bible- to be joyful even amidst great pain and suffering. That has been turning the wheel in my mind constantly since we had that talk, and I've been trying my hardest to follow the Word of God. Every muscle in my body is crying out "stop! it hurts! don't move!" but my heart is telling me to keep going, that no matter how much it hurts I can overcome, and to keep moving because someday I will be healed again- all in the power of Jesus Christ.
The past week, I've been in and out of doctor's offices, getting examined and X-rayed for hours and hours, getting expensive CT-scans and MRIs of my neck, brain and spinal cord, I've been strapped down to a solid plastic board for over 2 hours, I've been temporarily paralyzed for almost 3 hours at one time, I've been wheelchaired around hospitals because I couldn't walk, I've been undressed and naked in front of nurses because my arms couldn't move, I've been carried down 5 flights of stairs by Mark and Nick, I've been carried out to Melanie's car by Brek, I've had friends slap my face to wake me up when I stopped breathing, I've been more afraid for my own life than the last 18 years I've lived put together. But NO MATTER WHAT happens, NO MATTER WHAT I have to get through, i WILL NOT stop fighting, and i WILL NOT stop hoping and trusting in JESUS CHRIST-- my sole source of strength, my identity, my purpose, my EVERYTHING. Long enough I listened to, dwelled on, believed in, and acted on lies from the Devil- LONG ENOUGH. Freedom came through listening to, dwelling on, believing in, and acting on TRUTH. This song shows exactly what I'm talking about:
"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."
-In Christ Alone
LOVE<3
1. Severe bodily injury, as from a gunshot wound or a motor vehicle accident.
2. Psychological or emotional injury caused by a deeply disturbing experience.
3. A serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident.
4. An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person, often leading to neurosis (neurosis: any of various mental or emotional disorders involving symptoms such as insecurity, anxiety, depression, and irrational fears).
If I were to drive past the exact sight of where my car accident took place RIGHT this instant, I would have a panic attack and hyperventilate. My body is in a state of shock, in which it completely shuts itself down to protect itself after undergoing the intense collision from the semi-truck hitting my car. This causes my limbs to go numb and leaves me temporarily paralyzed and hard to catch my breath.
The first few days after the crash were the worst, where I could hardly sleep I was having such frequent nightmares of the semi-truck coming at me and hitting me. I haven't been able to write about the crash until recently, because I couldn't get the motivation inside- the memory was still too fresh. Now I can write about it. Now I can think about it and not break down into jelly.
My initial thoughts, besides sheer unbelief that I was alive and walking, were consumed with confusion and muddied with things I probably shouldn't have been thinking, but did anyway. Not like I was wishing I would have died, not at all, but just... this huge disbelief that I made it out alive, that God still had more for me to do on earth and I'm here for a reason. It was a wake-up call to my faith for sure.
My current thoughts are now surrounded and influenced by the post-affects of the accident... the trauma and what the shock did to my body. I have physical therapy for a month now, to help rebuild the ability to use my muscles properly and for them to heal appropriately. Also, to prevent them from healing the way that they currently are now-tight, basically on lock-down, and hard to move.
I have an amazing support group to do just that-- support me. Especially in these hard times of my life. In one of my many conversations about the crash and how I was doing, my sister encouraged me to focus on a specific command in the Bible- to be joyful even amidst great pain and suffering. That has been turning the wheel in my mind constantly since we had that talk, and I've been trying my hardest to follow the Word of God. Every muscle in my body is crying out "stop! it hurts! don't move!" but my heart is telling me to keep going, that no matter how much it hurts I can overcome, and to keep moving because someday I will be healed again- all in the power of Jesus Christ.
The past week, I've been in and out of doctor's offices, getting examined and X-rayed for hours and hours, getting expensive CT-scans and MRIs of my neck, brain and spinal cord, I've been strapped down to a solid plastic board for over 2 hours, I've been temporarily paralyzed for almost 3 hours at one time, I've been wheelchaired around hospitals because I couldn't walk, I've been undressed and naked in front of nurses because my arms couldn't move, I've been carried down 5 flights of stairs by Mark and Nick, I've been carried out to Melanie's car by Brek, I've had friends slap my face to wake me up when I stopped breathing, I've been more afraid for my own life than the last 18 years I've lived put together. But NO MATTER WHAT happens, NO MATTER WHAT I have to get through, i WILL NOT stop fighting, and i WILL NOT stop hoping and trusting in JESUS CHRIST-- my sole source of strength, my identity, my purpose, my EVERYTHING. Long enough I listened to, dwelled on, believed in, and acted on lies from the Devil- LONG ENOUGH. Freedom came through listening to, dwelling on, believing in, and acting on TRUTH. This song shows exactly what I'm talking about:
"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."
-In Christ Alone
LOVE<3
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
friendship at its best
I get great joy from observing friendship at its best with all kinds of people. I love the variety of friends I am blessed to know. I love seeing people exemplify the kind of love that comes from friendship that makes me think of how Jesus treated people. I love knowing that I have treated my friends the way that Jesus teaches us to treat people. But lately, with all the circumstances that have come up in my life, I've been the one on the receiving end of such wonderful treatment by friends. I get such warmth in my heart when I think about the actions of the people that I have come to know as great friends, but have not known as long as other friends. They are "newer" friends, but they are just as important and special to me. I just have more memories and even MORE closeness with my older friends.
It makes me feel good inside, thinking about Mel dropping everything she was doing and walking in the snow storm all the way to Campus Ave to get her car and take me to the hospital when I couldn't move nor walk yesterday.....wheeling me around in a wheelchair all over the hospital and helping me get dressed after my MRI (i was still temporarily paralyzed).......Her text that awoke me this morning saying that she was thinking about me and she loves me and hopes I feel better.....Steve and Brek, being at my side when i became numb again and making sure i didnt pass out..... Brek carrying me out to Mel's car, Steve on his crutches holding my purse.....the two of them checking up on me later and letting me sleep in their room to make sure nothing happened to me in the middle of the night and that I wasn't alone during this scary time in my life..... Steve texting me a few hours after I woke up asking me how I was doing and if I was ok....
All these little things that friends do (those are just a few examples fresh on my mind, so many others have come to my aid and done tons for me) and so often they go unnoticed by our human eyes- but they are of heavenly worth... I see Christ in them, even if they don't know themselves that's who they are exemplifying. I love my friends so much and could not get through this stuff without them.
It makes me feel good inside, thinking about Mel dropping everything she was doing and walking in the snow storm all the way to Campus Ave to get her car and take me to the hospital when I couldn't move nor walk yesterday.....wheeling me around in a wheelchair all over the hospital and helping me get dressed after my MRI (i was still temporarily paralyzed).......Her text that awoke me this morning saying that she was thinking about me and she loves me and hopes I feel better.....Steve and Brek, being at my side when i became numb again and making sure i didnt pass out..... Brek carrying me out to Mel's car, Steve on his crutches holding my purse.....the two of them checking up on me later and letting me sleep in their room to make sure nothing happened to me in the middle of the night and that I wasn't alone during this scary time in my life..... Steve texting me a few hours after I woke up asking me how I was doing and if I was ok....
All these little things that friends do (those are just a few examples fresh on my mind, so many others have come to my aid and done tons for me) and so often they go unnoticed by our human eyes- but they are of heavenly worth... I see Christ in them, even if they don't know themselves that's who they are exemplifying. I love my friends so much and could not get through this stuff without them.
Monday, January 21, 2008
the status of my health, still pending.
I was in a bad car accident on Wednesday, January 16th. This is what happened:
I merged onto the interstate, hitting a speed of about 55 mph, as traffic was moving slower due to the snowy weather. I was positioned in the middle lane, and began moving over into the far left lane. As I began shifting over into the lane, I felt my tires lose all traction and felt my adrenaline pump harder as I realized I was sliding and couldn't control it nor stop it. My first thought was that I didn't want to smash into the cement guardrail separating the two sides of the interstate at 55 mph. My car was shaking and sliding every which way, and then the back end of my jeep swung me around, spinning my car in a 360 degree turn so that I was sliding backwards, facing incoming traffic head on at an almost straight angle. Next, I saw the semi-truck coming at me and the only thing going through my mind was, "No...no..." and then it smashed into me, trying to swerve, and I don't remember what my car did after the hit- but it slid to a stop just a foot shy of the cement guardrail. As I saw the truck coming at me, I thought I was going to die for sure. I don't remember much besides that. I don't remember what my body did when the semi-truck collided with my jeep- all I remember is sitting there in the car on the shoulder by the guardrail in complete shock, stunned to be alive and breathing. I sat there in silence for a minute, then the inevitable happened- and I burst into tears and wailed and screamed.
Waiting for the cops to come was the worst. And not being able to get ahold of anyone to come to me was almost just as bad. I finally got in contact with my sister and Nick, and then my mom. I remember sitting there, shivering from the frigid cold air sinking into my skin while watching the snow fall around me. I remember when my mom finally pulled up, and I got out of my car and ran into her arms and cried. Everything after that seemed to move in slow motion, like I was in an unshakable daze. My neck felt stiff and tight, but other than that I was seemingly fine. 2 and a half hours later, I was back in Ames. The entire night I just felt like somebody had stunned me. I went to sleep, but woke up only a few hours later in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and visions of the semi-truck coming at me and the crunching sound of my car when it hit. I tried to go back to sleep, but kept waking up time and time again from the same visions and I became hysterical from them. I also kept waking up with muscle pains all over my body. It was horrible. I prayed for Jesus to take away those visions. I fell asleep eventually but woke up not much later, having missed my first class already and decided I needed to rest and give myself a day to re-cooperate. I called the health center here on campus and explained I was in a bad car accident and wanted to get checked out. I was limping on my left knee and my neck and back were aching painfully, with headaches coming and going. I spent the next 3 hours getting examined by my doctor there and getting x-rays taken. No fractures were discovered after looking at the x-rays, but i was given a muscle relaxant to take at night and a soft neck brace to help support my neck and help with the pain.
I am now having other troubles with my body, as a result of the crash last Wednesday. It's scary and perplexing. All my limbs will suddenly go numb and I'm completely unable to move my arms and legs, hands and feet. I get these prickly tingles that radiate out to my fingers and down my legs to my toes until i can't feel them at all. Sunday night was the first time it occurred, and my sister and Nick took me to the ER after Nick and our friend Mark carried me down 5 flights of stairs and out to my sister's car. It was really frightening to not be able to move, and have to be in a wheelchair because I couldn't use my legs. I had to be "immobilized" which to the ER it means strap me down on this big, long board thing and have all these straps holding me snugly to it- I felt like a mummy all wrapped up, and it was extremely uncomfortable after I had been strapped to that flat, hard surface for 2 hours or so... my head felt like it was being smashed and my back hurt after they finally let me out of it. They had to make sure there wasn't something wrong with my spinal cord, and they took a CT-scan, which apparently didn't show anything was wrong. At first the neurologist wanted to admit me to the hospital and stay for a few days, but shortly after he examined me I began to get feeling back in my arms and legs. After that I was free to go since I wasn't "in danger" as he put it.
Well, today things got worse. After spending the night with my sister at her apartment, I arrived back to my dorm feeling tired, weak and overall fatigued, but otherwise I felt fine and normal. I was just doing little things in my room, I was on my laptop, got dressed for the day and everything, and made lunch plans to meet my friend Steve at the udcc at 1 pm. About 12:30 pm, I was lying down on my futon just resting before going to lunch, and all the sudden the numbness started doing the same thing it did last night, and i was completely paralyzed again. I tried with all my might to move my hand, or just a finger, ANYTHING, to reach for my phone, but I couldn't. Somehow I used my head and my mouth and pried open my cell phone with my tongue and pushed the most recent call button to get help. About 30 minutes later, I got feeling back in all my limbs and I could walk again. Weird, right? So I went to lunch and came back to my room afterwards to work on homework. Well, at about 2:30 I got a call from the hospital saying I needed to go there as soon as possible to get an MRI of my neck ordered by the neurologist. So I go down to Steve and Brek's room to borrow Steve's car since I didn't have any other way of transportation. I'm feeling kind of numb and dizzy and faint, and Steve didn't want me to drive myself if I wasn't feeling alright and he couldn't do it because he's on crutches from his leg surgery he had.... so I got ahold of our friend Mel to drive me and she just says she'll take me in her car, but she had to walk to Campus Ave to get it so it'd take about 20 mins. I sat down with Steve and Brek while I waited for Mel to pull up outside Friley. I was just SITTING there on the futon next to Steve... and all the sudden I lost all feeling again in my limbs and couldn't move for the life of me. I was just gonna wait it out, and I was able to wiggle my toes and feet after a little bit, but then my face got tingly and started to go numb as well and I felt my head roll down and I blacked out for a minute. I could hear Steve and Brek whistling and saying my name and I could lightly feel Steve touching my face trying to wake me up, but I couldn't open my eyes, and then I gasped for air and realized I hadn't been breathing and opened my eyes, but could hardly hold my head up I felt so weak and numb all over. Steve (on his crutches, mind you) got up and held all the doors so Brek could carry me out to Mel's car. Mel drove me to the hospital, I had to be wheeled in a wheelchair everywhere because I couldn't walk or move at all still, and they did the MRI of my neck. It had been like an hour, and I could walk on my legs at that point but they weren't very strong and it was extremely difficult. Mel did everything for me and she was such a good friend to me, ugh I just love her to death. She helped me back up to my room, it was 5 or something by then. Since then I've been in my room lying down mostly, just trying to not worry about anything and just focus on my body and do everything i can to be relaxed and just trust in God through this whole thing. I'm not worrying about the classes I'm going to miss (the doctor ordered me not to go anywhere tomorrow, especially not until he's called me and talked to me about the results of my MRI). I'm very, very scared... but I know this is all apart of God's plan for my life and I know He will never leave me or forsake me.
My body goes in and out of numbness. My neck hurts in the back pretty badly and my upper back has shooting pains at times too. I feel fatigued overall, and short of breath sometimes. Right now, all I can do is pray that the doctor will have answers for me tomorrow. I don't know if I will have to be hospitalized or not. At this point, I'm leaving it up to God and whatever happens I will get through it, I know I will. Please pray for the healing of my body and peace of mind. <3
I merged onto the interstate, hitting a speed of about 55 mph, as traffic was moving slower due to the snowy weather. I was positioned in the middle lane, and began moving over into the far left lane. As I began shifting over into the lane, I felt my tires lose all traction and felt my adrenaline pump harder as I realized I was sliding and couldn't control it nor stop it. My first thought was that I didn't want to smash into the cement guardrail separating the two sides of the interstate at 55 mph. My car was shaking and sliding every which way, and then the back end of my jeep swung me around, spinning my car in a 360 degree turn so that I was sliding backwards, facing incoming traffic head on at an almost straight angle. Next, I saw the semi-truck coming at me and the only thing going through my mind was, "No...no..." and then it smashed into me, trying to swerve, and I don't remember what my car did after the hit- but it slid to a stop just a foot shy of the cement guardrail. As I saw the truck coming at me, I thought I was going to die for sure. I don't remember much besides that. I don't remember what my body did when the semi-truck collided with my jeep- all I remember is sitting there in the car on the shoulder by the guardrail in complete shock, stunned to be alive and breathing. I sat there in silence for a minute, then the inevitable happened- and I burst into tears and wailed and screamed.
Waiting for the cops to come was the worst. And not being able to get ahold of anyone to come to me was almost just as bad. I finally got in contact with my sister and Nick, and then my mom. I remember sitting there, shivering from the frigid cold air sinking into my skin while watching the snow fall around me. I remember when my mom finally pulled up, and I got out of my car and ran into her arms and cried. Everything after that seemed to move in slow motion, like I was in an unshakable daze. My neck felt stiff and tight, but other than that I was seemingly fine. 2 and a half hours later, I was back in Ames. The entire night I just felt like somebody had stunned me. I went to sleep, but woke up only a few hours later in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and visions of the semi-truck coming at me and the crunching sound of my car when it hit. I tried to go back to sleep, but kept waking up time and time again from the same visions and I became hysterical from them. I also kept waking up with muscle pains all over my body. It was horrible. I prayed for Jesus to take away those visions. I fell asleep eventually but woke up not much later, having missed my first class already and decided I needed to rest and give myself a day to re-cooperate. I called the health center here on campus and explained I was in a bad car accident and wanted to get checked out. I was limping on my left knee and my neck and back were aching painfully, with headaches coming and going. I spent the next 3 hours getting examined by my doctor there and getting x-rays taken. No fractures were discovered after looking at the x-rays, but i was given a muscle relaxant to take at night and a soft neck brace to help support my neck and help with the pain.
I am now having other troubles with my body, as a result of the crash last Wednesday. It's scary and perplexing. All my limbs will suddenly go numb and I'm completely unable to move my arms and legs, hands and feet. I get these prickly tingles that radiate out to my fingers and down my legs to my toes until i can't feel them at all. Sunday night was the first time it occurred, and my sister and Nick took me to the ER after Nick and our friend Mark carried me down 5 flights of stairs and out to my sister's car. It was really frightening to not be able to move, and have to be in a wheelchair because I couldn't use my legs. I had to be "immobilized" which to the ER it means strap me down on this big, long board thing and have all these straps holding me snugly to it- I felt like a mummy all wrapped up, and it was extremely uncomfortable after I had been strapped to that flat, hard surface for 2 hours or so... my head felt like it was being smashed and my back hurt after they finally let me out of it. They had to make sure there wasn't something wrong with my spinal cord, and they took a CT-scan, which apparently didn't show anything was wrong. At first the neurologist wanted to admit me to the hospital and stay for a few days, but shortly after he examined me I began to get feeling back in my arms and legs. After that I was free to go since I wasn't "in danger" as he put it.
Well, today things got worse. After spending the night with my sister at her apartment, I arrived back to my dorm feeling tired, weak and overall fatigued, but otherwise I felt fine and normal. I was just doing little things in my room, I was on my laptop, got dressed for the day and everything, and made lunch plans to meet my friend Steve at the udcc at 1 pm. About 12:30 pm, I was lying down on my futon just resting before going to lunch, and all the sudden the numbness started doing the same thing it did last night, and i was completely paralyzed again. I tried with all my might to move my hand, or just a finger, ANYTHING, to reach for my phone, but I couldn't. Somehow I used my head and my mouth and pried open my cell phone with my tongue and pushed the most recent call button to get help. About 30 minutes later, I got feeling back in all my limbs and I could walk again. Weird, right? So I went to lunch and came back to my room afterwards to work on homework. Well, at about 2:30 I got a call from the hospital saying I needed to go there as soon as possible to get an MRI of my neck ordered by the neurologist. So I go down to Steve and Brek's room to borrow Steve's car since I didn't have any other way of transportation. I'm feeling kind of numb and dizzy and faint, and Steve didn't want me to drive myself if I wasn't feeling alright and he couldn't do it because he's on crutches from his leg surgery he had.... so I got ahold of our friend Mel to drive me and she just says she'll take me in her car, but she had to walk to Campus Ave to get it so it'd take about 20 mins. I sat down with Steve and Brek while I waited for Mel to pull up outside Friley. I was just SITTING there on the futon next to Steve... and all the sudden I lost all feeling again in my limbs and couldn't move for the life of me. I was just gonna wait it out, and I was able to wiggle my toes and feet after a little bit, but then my face got tingly and started to go numb as well and I felt my head roll down and I blacked out for a minute. I could hear Steve and Brek whistling and saying my name and I could lightly feel Steve touching my face trying to wake me up, but I couldn't open my eyes, and then I gasped for air and realized I hadn't been breathing and opened my eyes, but could hardly hold my head up I felt so weak and numb all over. Steve (on his crutches, mind you) got up and held all the doors so Brek could carry me out to Mel's car. Mel drove me to the hospital, I had to be wheeled in a wheelchair everywhere because I couldn't walk or move at all still, and they did the MRI of my neck. It had been like an hour, and I could walk on my legs at that point but they weren't very strong and it was extremely difficult. Mel did everything for me and she was such a good friend to me, ugh I just love her to death. She helped me back up to my room, it was 5 or something by then. Since then I've been in my room lying down mostly, just trying to not worry about anything and just focus on my body and do everything i can to be relaxed and just trust in God through this whole thing. I'm not worrying about the classes I'm going to miss (the doctor ordered me not to go anywhere tomorrow, especially not until he's called me and talked to me about the results of my MRI). I'm very, very scared... but I know this is all apart of God's plan for my life and I know He will never leave me or forsake me.
My body goes in and out of numbness. My neck hurts in the back pretty badly and my upper back has shooting pains at times too. I feel fatigued overall, and short of breath sometimes. Right now, all I can do is pray that the doctor will have answers for me tomorrow. I don't know if I will have to be hospitalized or not. At this point, I'm leaving it up to God and whatever happens I will get through it, I know I will. Please pray for the healing of my body and peace of mind. <3
Thursday, January 10, 2008
"take a sad song and make it better"
I'm just going to be super honest....... I am scared out of my FRICKIN' mind for starting this spring semester. So many things I wish I could know before diving in. I wish I could know if I'm going to get hit with kidney problems and other sickness issues some point during the semester. I wish I could be prepared for whatever ends up happening. I wish I could know what my heart really needs and wants. I wish I could know if he still wants me. I wish I could know how I'm going to deal with temptation to resort back to old habits when the temptation arises. But the thing is, we are never prepared for anything really. Everything is unknown. And everything is scary. That's just human nature though, to be afraid of the unknown. The thing that sets me apart is that my fear is expelled because of God's perfect love. I can't make the reference... but it says somewhere in the Bible that "perfect love expels all fear." That's really powerful.
I'm seeing that all I can do to "prepare" for whatever may come my way, is to equip myself with the Armor of God explained in Ephesians 6, and to just have faith in my Creator.
Job said in Job 2:10, "Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?" And these past few months for me have been all about learning the truth of that in my own reality.
My mom had lunch with me today on her break at Jason's Deli, and first of all it was amazing to have real food and have an appetite for it for the first time in 3 weeks WOOO!!!! um, but second of all, my mom asked me how I was feeling about going back to school right now, and I expressed how nervous and scared I am. She cares so much about me and just started encouraging me and telling me, "Em you can do it, you know you can," and all sorts of things to lift my spirits. I appreciate my mom so much. For all her faults, she makes up for it with all her love and encouragement.
Now I end with a beautiful song:
"Hey Jude, don't make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Hey Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
And anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude refrain
don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na na na
na na na na
Hey Jude don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
then you can start to make it better."
--The Beatles
<3
I'm seeing that all I can do to "prepare" for whatever may come my way, is to equip myself with the Armor of God explained in Ephesians 6, and to just have faith in my Creator.
Job said in Job 2:10, "Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?" And these past few months for me have been all about learning the truth of that in my own reality.
My mom had lunch with me today on her break at Jason's Deli, and first of all it was amazing to have real food and have an appetite for it for the first time in 3 weeks WOOO!!!! um, but second of all, my mom asked me how I was feeling about going back to school right now, and I expressed how nervous and scared I am. She cares so much about me and just started encouraging me and telling me, "Em you can do it, you know you can," and all sorts of things to lift my spirits. I appreciate my mom so much. For all her faults, she makes up for it with all her love and encouragement.
Now I end with a beautiful song:
"Hey Jude, don't make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better
Hey Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better
And anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude refrain
don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na na na
na na na na
Hey Jude don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
then you can start to make it better."
--The Beatles
<3
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
it could have been worse
ok...
me = on a liquid diet. 3 Boost drinks every day, as meal replacements. Until my appetite suppression due to prescription meds is lessened and more under control. ahhhhhh. not gonna lie, the Boost drink is NASTY. but I can't keep losing weight and never having any energy nor feeling good/healthy. Plus, drinking the Boost will hopefully keep me from having to be hospitalized and put on I.V. fluids.
I am now to a grand total of having to take 11 pills a day, soon it'll be down to 8 though. Yay (seriously. 8 is so much better than 11).
I know God has everything under control. Even though it's tough on me to be on so much medicine... I trust that I'll be ok someday. better than I am now.
<3
me = on a liquid diet. 3 Boost drinks every day, as meal replacements. Until my appetite suppression due to prescription meds is lessened and more under control. ahhhhhh. not gonna lie, the Boost drink is NASTY. but I can't keep losing weight and never having any energy nor feeling good/healthy. Plus, drinking the Boost will hopefully keep me from having to be hospitalized and put on I.V. fluids.
I am now to a grand total of having to take 11 pills a day, soon it'll be down to 8 though. Yay (seriously. 8 is so much better than 11).
I know God has everything under control. Even though it's tough on me to be on so much medicine... I trust that I'll be ok someday. better than I am now.
<3
Monday, January 07, 2008
freedom.
Awesome. The last few days I've been trying to gain weight to be at a more healthy weight, and I just discovered that I've LOST 3 more pounds. You've got to be kidding me. This is ridiculous. I'm seriously considering going to a nutritionist or dietician but not to lose weight, to gain weight and be healthy. I can't risk being unhealthy this semester. If I don't have a successful semester, I can't see myself continuing at ISU. I don't know. This is so frustrating.
I miss Nick and it sucks not being able to see or talk to him. The past 8 days, I've dealt and been alright, but these next 7 days I just hope I can keep it together. Ugh.
Last week I envisioned myself standing with a big sign over my head saying "Accepted"... now for this week I am supposed to envision myself with the sign reading "Trust". Trust is hard. Trusting God, trusting myself, and trusting others... it's really hard.
Saturday night I was in Ames, and I went to the Saturday evening church service at Cornerstone with my sister and Jamie. The message basically saved my life. It was seriously as if Tom Nesbitt was speaking directly to me, with words straight from God. The path to bondage starts with listening to lies, dwelling on lies, believing in lies, and then acting on lies. The path to freedom is listening to TRUTH, dwelling on TRUTH, believing in TRUTH, and acting on TRUTH. I was reminded of the spiritual war that goes on every day. The devil attacks the mind first by giving you a thought. In Ephesians, we are told to take our thoughts captive and run them to JESUS. It also lists all the strongholds in our lives, like guilt, stubbornness, and bitternness, that fight against us every day in that spiritual war.
I'm not ready to start the semester just yet.... I need a little more time. But time is running out. :(
I miss Nick and it sucks not being able to see or talk to him. The past 8 days, I've dealt and been alright, but these next 7 days I just hope I can keep it together. Ugh.
Last week I envisioned myself standing with a big sign over my head saying "Accepted"... now for this week I am supposed to envision myself with the sign reading "Trust". Trust is hard. Trusting God, trusting myself, and trusting others... it's really hard.
Saturday night I was in Ames, and I went to the Saturday evening church service at Cornerstone with my sister and Jamie. The message basically saved my life. It was seriously as if Tom Nesbitt was speaking directly to me, with words straight from God. The path to bondage starts with listening to lies, dwelling on lies, believing in lies, and then acting on lies. The path to freedom is listening to TRUTH, dwelling on TRUTH, believing in TRUTH, and acting on TRUTH. I was reminded of the spiritual war that goes on every day. The devil attacks the mind first by giving you a thought. In Ephesians, we are told to take our thoughts captive and run them to JESUS. It also lists all the strongholds in our lives, like guilt, stubbornness, and bitternness, that fight against us every day in that spiritual war.
I'm not ready to start the semester just yet.... I need a little more time. But time is running out. :(
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Frustration.
Sometimes life can be really frustrating. Everyone gets frustrated. And right now, frustrated is the only word that can describe me best. My health has been very much in the spotlight of my life lately, and although some things are WAY better, other things are not. I guess it's stupid for me to hold on to some kind of fantasy that I'm just going to all the sudden never have any bit of sickness affecting my body and mind. Everybody gets sick sometimes, with colds and allergies and what not, but the things that I deal with are on top of all of those "normal" kinds of sick. My main frustration is coming from a side effect of a new medicine that I'm on, and it basically has made me have a lack of appetite. Doesn't sound so bad on its face, but as applied it is causing me lots of problems. I just got my wisdom teeth out, and I was so nauseous from the pain medicine that I threw up anything I tried to eat the first 3 or 4 days after the surgery, and then slowly began eating solid food again after that. So I already went days without eating much. Then this new medicine started to effect my appetite, and it virtually makes me never hungry for food except for maybe one time throughout the day. Day after day after day it has been like this. It isn't easy to make yourself eat food when you don't feel the need to eat at ALL. But then I miss the feeling of being full after eating, and all of it together is just really frustrating. Because of this, I have dropped 10 pounds in 2 weeks and I was already a very thin girl... 10 pounds off of me is not good. I am down to 107 pounds, for a girl who is 5'6 and a quarter tall. It's bad.
It's hard to not throw up my hands and just say "I can't"
I have to fight off the weariness every day, because I don't want to let this defeat me like I have let sickness do so in the past. I'm just learning as I go how to deal with all of this stuff. God must think I can eventually handle it, so I'll trust in that.
It's hard to not throw up my hands and just say "I can't"
I have to fight off the weariness every day, because I don't want to let this defeat me like I have let sickness do so in the past. I'm just learning as I go how to deal with all of this stuff. God must think I can eventually handle it, so I'll trust in that.
the coffee shop owner told me I have a great smile. :-)
I can feel my heart speeding up and speeding down, over and over again. I feel reality hit me in the face and I get mad at it, I want to stomp all over it, I resist it, I hate it, I let it burn my eyes with all the tears spilling out, and then... I know everything is going to be ok someday. And I spend time not thinking about what my heart wants to think about. I spend time being around people who make me smile, and cuddle with me and make me feel warm and content even when things seem icy and chaotic. Sam, Aubrey, Caely, JR, James, Tim, Foster, and Rob come over to my house... and the entire time the boys whine about the tv show we were watching- "Say Yes to the Dress"- a show about women from all over the place coming to this one wedding gown store in New York to find their perfect wedding dress and what goes on between the buyers and the sellers...haha, the girls were loving it OBVIOUSLY, and the boys just thought it was ridiculous (and it was, in some ways, I admit). I got to see my best friend and have her walk over to me and command me to hug her and tell me how much she missed me. I just love these people with all that is in me, and it meant so much to me that they came over to my house to be with me when all I really felt like doing was exactly what I shouldn't be doing- hiding in my bed with the covers over my head.
New Years Eve. Everyone makes such a big deal about it, but I've learned that it's really not. I've never gotten a big new years kiss, I've never had some amazing revelation that comes directly from the clock turning midnight and changing to a new year, and I've never gotten wasted and partied til 6 in the morning or anything like that. Though my heart was someplace else entirely, I pushed myself to make the drive back to my home- Ames, to be with my darling sister. I arrived at her apartment and we sat and watched Project Runway until deciding to go grocery shopping, since Erin was pretty much out of everything. Grocery shopping might sound boring, but not with The Sexton Sisters... haha. We started our grocery shopping adventure and went up and down the aisles, me pushing a messed up cart that only wanted to go to the right, grabbing this and that and throwing it in the cart. After a very tall man helped us get something off a very high shelf, and getting a nice bottle of red wine to have with our dinner (grilled chicken italian panini!! awesome find on my part if I do say so myself!), we headed home grooving to old-school Lifehouse tunes (so good). Back at the apartment, we got our dinner ready and had a glass of wine with it :). Then we cuddled on the couch together watching Project Runway until it was party time! We both got dressed in our gorgeous outfits, took pics, and headed over to this lady's house that Erin and Jamie know. There were tons of people there and it was a warm, happy environment that I loved immediately. I got to see JAMIE!!!!!!!!!!! which was the best ever. So Erin, Jamie and I hung out and talked for like an hour and I got to try Erin's cup of Sangria and Jamie's Blue Moon beer, haha. Then the three of us drove back to their apartment to see Austin, Bry, and Foster and hang out at Meg's part there for a bit. After the boys left, the three of us went BACK to the other party for the official turn of the new year. Arriving back at the house, we all were in a circle yelling jovially in a heated game of Catchphrase.. hahah, so awesome. People were being hilarious and it didn't even matter one bit that I knew no one except for 4 of the people in the room of like 20 or 25 people. About 10 seconds before the new year, somebody turned on mtv just as the ball dropped and hit 2008, and everyone had a cup of champagne and yelled CHEERS! and Happy New Year! haha. i must say, champagne is one of my favorites for sure. After finishing the champagne, Erin and I left for the apartment and crashed. All in all- it was great. I had moments of brokenness, but always forced my head up high and let myself enjoy the night with Jamie and Erin.
THe next day, I headed over to Zach's dorm to spend some time with him. We talked for about an hour and a half in his room, and it was just what I needed. I love Zach sooo much :). Then we went and got Randy, ate at Arby's, and the two of them left to get Randy to the airport for his flight to New York. I went back to my sis's apartment and hung out with her and showered. I ended up driving back to WDM around 8:30 that night and joined all my friends at James' house for a fun evening of hilarious-ness... haha.
First we all just sat around and talked, then we decided to play the game Pit. hahaha, it was crazy. the 9 or 10 of us sitting in a circle yelling our heads off in this game. It was mass chaos. Then we decided to play the game Spoons, which turned into everyone getting violently mad at each other to get a spoon haha. So then we decided to play a more organized game, so we pulled out the game Cranium. After discovering that people couldn't sketch things to save their lives when we kept getting blue cards, we found out that organized board games are not possible for 10 people who are talking and yelling and laughing all at the same time... lol. so THEN the people who were still remaining- Aubrey, Zach, Kate, me, Stevie, James, Sam, Emily, and Ryan.... played Charades. oh geez. That was just ridiculous. haha. Besides Zach's decision to write "poop" on one of the sheets of paper to choose from, some of them were really good and really entertaining to guess. After playing for a few rounds, everyone left except for me, Zach, James, Kate, and Ryan. Kate watched while Zach, James, Ryan and I played the game of Risk. eventually Kate left and it was just the four of us........and the game lasted THREE. AND. A. HALF. HOURS. hahahaha. It was the most intense, hilarious game of Risk that will probably ever be played. There were heated words exchanged, smack-talk up the wazoo, egos busted down, and beloved countries were raped and ravaged. My best moment was having conquered ALL of Asia and holding on to it as long as I could, then my worst moment came when Ryan completely ravaged and took over the entire continent leaving me with barely any guys left.......then when it was my turn, I promptly took the entire continent back and completely ravaged him out of MY continent. haha. SEe? very intense. But Ryan and I were no match for James and Zach's huge masses of armies.... we were both obliterated off the face of the earth :(. It came down to a huge attack between James' Northwest Territory and Zach's Alaska. Sooo intense. The dice rolling took 8 minutes but felt like forever. In the end, James beat down Zach and won the game of Risk. Ugh...... he would. It was 3:30 in the morning by this time, haha, and it was definitely worth it.
So here I am at Java G's. My heart is sore, but I feel better after writing about my fun adventures. I'm going out to dinner with my mom in a couple hours at The Olive Garden (i've never been there before). later gators.
Love. <3
New Years Eve. Everyone makes such a big deal about it, but I've learned that it's really not. I've never gotten a big new years kiss, I've never had some amazing revelation that comes directly from the clock turning midnight and changing to a new year, and I've never gotten wasted and partied til 6 in the morning or anything like that. Though my heart was someplace else entirely, I pushed myself to make the drive back to my home- Ames, to be with my darling sister. I arrived at her apartment and we sat and watched Project Runway until deciding to go grocery shopping, since Erin was pretty much out of everything. Grocery shopping might sound boring, but not with The Sexton Sisters... haha. We started our grocery shopping adventure and went up and down the aisles, me pushing a messed up cart that only wanted to go to the right, grabbing this and that and throwing it in the cart. After a very tall man helped us get something off a very high shelf, and getting a nice bottle of red wine to have with our dinner (grilled chicken italian panini!! awesome find on my part if I do say so myself!), we headed home grooving to old-school Lifehouse tunes (so good). Back at the apartment, we got our dinner ready and had a glass of wine with it :). Then we cuddled on the couch together watching Project Runway until it was party time! We both got dressed in our gorgeous outfits, took pics, and headed over to this lady's house that Erin and Jamie know. There were tons of people there and it was a warm, happy environment that I loved immediately. I got to see JAMIE!!!!!!!!!!! which was the best ever. So Erin, Jamie and I hung out and talked for like an hour and I got to try Erin's cup of Sangria and Jamie's Blue Moon beer, haha. Then the three of us drove back to their apartment to see Austin, Bry, and Foster and hang out at Meg's part there for a bit. After the boys left, the three of us went BACK to the other party for the official turn of the new year. Arriving back at the house, we all were in a circle yelling jovially in a heated game of Catchphrase.. hahah, so awesome. People were being hilarious and it didn't even matter one bit that I knew no one except for 4 of the people in the room of like 20 or 25 people. About 10 seconds before the new year, somebody turned on mtv just as the ball dropped and hit 2008, and everyone had a cup of champagne and yelled CHEERS! and Happy New Year! haha. i must say, champagne is one of my favorites for sure. After finishing the champagne, Erin and I left for the apartment and crashed. All in all- it was great. I had moments of brokenness, but always forced my head up high and let myself enjoy the night with Jamie and Erin.
THe next day, I headed over to Zach's dorm to spend some time with him. We talked for about an hour and a half in his room, and it was just what I needed. I love Zach sooo much :). Then we went and got Randy, ate at Arby's, and the two of them left to get Randy to the airport for his flight to New York. I went back to my sis's apartment and hung out with her and showered. I ended up driving back to WDM around 8:30 that night and joined all my friends at James' house for a fun evening of hilarious-ness... haha.
First we all just sat around and talked, then we decided to play the game Pit. hahaha, it was crazy. the 9 or 10 of us sitting in a circle yelling our heads off in this game. It was mass chaos. Then we decided to play the game Spoons, which turned into everyone getting violently mad at each other to get a spoon haha. So then we decided to play a more organized game, so we pulled out the game Cranium. After discovering that people couldn't sketch things to save their lives when we kept getting blue cards, we found out that organized board games are not possible for 10 people who are talking and yelling and laughing all at the same time... lol. so THEN the people who were still remaining- Aubrey, Zach, Kate, me, Stevie, James, Sam, Emily, and Ryan.... played Charades. oh geez. That was just ridiculous. haha. Besides Zach's decision to write "poop" on one of the sheets of paper to choose from, some of them were really good and really entertaining to guess. After playing for a few rounds, everyone left except for me, Zach, James, Kate, and Ryan. Kate watched while Zach, James, Ryan and I played the game of Risk. eventually Kate left and it was just the four of us........and the game lasted THREE. AND. A. HALF. HOURS. hahahaha. It was the most intense, hilarious game of Risk that will probably ever be played. There were heated words exchanged, smack-talk up the wazoo, egos busted down, and beloved countries were raped and ravaged. My best moment was having conquered ALL of Asia and holding on to it as long as I could, then my worst moment came when Ryan completely ravaged and took over the entire continent leaving me with barely any guys left.......then when it was my turn, I promptly took the entire continent back and completely ravaged him out of MY continent. haha. SEe? very intense. But Ryan and I were no match for James and Zach's huge masses of armies.... we were both obliterated off the face of the earth :(. It came down to a huge attack between James' Northwest Territory and Zach's Alaska. Sooo intense. The dice rolling took 8 minutes but felt like forever. In the end, James beat down Zach and won the game of Risk. Ugh...... he would. It was 3:30 in the morning by this time, haha, and it was definitely worth it.
So here I am at Java G's. My heart is sore, but I feel better after writing about my fun adventures. I'm going out to dinner with my mom in a couple hours at The Olive Garden (i've never been there before). later gators.
Love. <3
Sunday, December 30, 2007
slow motion
I got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that told me I'd get hurt again.
So I hung up the phone
and I screamed out loud
I felt so alone, I should have said the things I'm thinking now
Ohh never thought it'd be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know
Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I cant forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.
I pretend I'm ok
But it aches inside
There's got to be a way that's better then just getting by
Ohh never thought it be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know
Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I can't forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.
My heart is speeding up and slowing down to know I know it's over, it's over
And can you die of heartbreak to die for love lost young I pray to find it again, oh again
Got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that hurts again.
~I Nine
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that told me I'd get hurt again.
So I hung up the phone
and I screamed out loud
I felt so alone, I should have said the things I'm thinking now
Ohh never thought it'd be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know
Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I cant forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.
I pretend I'm ok
But it aches inside
There's got to be a way that's better then just getting by
Ohh never thought it be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know
Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I can't forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.
My heart is speeding up and slowing down to know I know it's over, it's over
And can you die of heartbreak to die for love lost young I pray to find it again, oh again
Got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that hurts again.
~I Nine
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
merry Christmas
"So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The Only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..."
-taylor swift
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The Only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..."
-taylor swift
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
"is this everything that you've hoped for, is this everything you've dreamed..."
I can't help but think that I (mostly) failed myself this semester. It's probably something I shouldn't be thinking, but it just seems like that's what happened and if I don't say it, I'm lying to myself a little bit. I know I probably don't know very much when it comes to that idea thrown out there we quote as "the real world", and what it's like to pay a mortgage and have credit card bills and manage a household, but I have gone through more stuff this fall semester of my sophomore year of college than I could have ever imagined. I feel a little betrayed for being thrown into a grown-up world I wasn't ready for, but I guess if I were ready for it in the first place, I probably wouldn't have had the same experience that I did. I can't really put my finger on it, but there's this older feeling inside of me. I just sense it. It feels different. It's not a good different nor a bad different, just different... like if I had a weighing device inside me, it would be tipped a little more to the "adult" side rather than the "kid" side now.
But I seem to be talking like I'm out of the haze, and I'm actually not. I'm still very much in the problems that have been surrounding me all semester. I can't write some of the things that have been apart of my battle, but it's a battle with myself that is like no other battle I've ever had to endure before. It's one where there is no way I can come out of it unchanged, or indifferent. I have bad days and good days. And it's the bad days that get me into trouble. I can't keep wondering when my next trouble day will be, I just have to live today and think about today and have a victory TODAY.
I've had a hard time bringing myself to write, and I'm not exactly sure why. It could be a bunch of things, or maybe just one. Not sure, but I'm trying to write again. I found it helps to pray and meditate on God and His love for me, then something inside of me prompts me to write. I can't really explain it.
On another note entirely, I seem to be falling, and I do not mean the bad way.
xoxo, Em
But I seem to be talking like I'm out of the haze, and I'm actually not. I'm still very much in the problems that have been surrounding me all semester. I can't write some of the things that have been apart of my battle, but it's a battle with myself that is like no other battle I've ever had to endure before. It's one where there is no way I can come out of it unchanged, or indifferent. I have bad days and good days. And it's the bad days that get me into trouble. I can't keep wondering when my next trouble day will be, I just have to live today and think about today and have a victory TODAY.
I've had a hard time bringing myself to write, and I'm not exactly sure why. It could be a bunch of things, or maybe just one. Not sure, but I'm trying to write again. I found it helps to pray and meditate on God and His love for me, then something inside of me prompts me to write. I can't really explain it.
On another note entirely, I seem to be falling, and I do not mean the bad way.
xoxo, Em
Monday, December 10, 2007
of the rise and fall, i could sing songs capturing it all
i'm sending you a love letter
i hope it gets to you safely
within it are words so lovely
you will be blinded by them
they will shine through the pain
they will burst through your shell
like stars they will burn
with brilliance and magnificence
my love for you is so great
it will be like nothing you've seen before
all the stars of the galaxy
could crash down into the sea
and the only thing remaining
would be the love that you will see
when you open up my letter
you won't need anything else
your eyes will only gaze at one thing
and that one thing is me
i understand you may not see it now
i know every weight holding you down
i've been carrying you this whole time
but only when you let me does it lift you up
i've seen every demon that has torn you apart
i've been keeping you together
and i know you haven't noticed yet
but that's why i'm sending you my letter
you won't know what to look for
when you search through your mail
but i know just how to get through to you
and you'll be surprised to find
that my love letter has always been there
it has been surrounding you forever
their hands are my hands
their hearts are my hearts
i know you may not understand just yet
and that's ok, my dear one
but this letter is so urgent
you must realize it's already been sent
you haven't been listening to me, child
your heart and mind have grown wild
but i'm sending you this love letter
over and over and over again
until you finally decide to open it
until you finally decide to read it
i'm giving you all my love, daughter
for you are mine and you are loved.
i hope it gets to you safely
within it are words so lovely
you will be blinded by them
they will shine through the pain
they will burst through your shell
like stars they will burn
with brilliance and magnificence
my love for you is so great
it will be like nothing you've seen before
all the stars of the galaxy
could crash down into the sea
and the only thing remaining
would be the love that you will see
when you open up my letter
you won't need anything else
your eyes will only gaze at one thing
and that one thing is me
i understand you may not see it now
i know every weight holding you down
i've been carrying you this whole time
but only when you let me does it lift you up
i've seen every demon that has torn you apart
i've been keeping you together
and i know you haven't noticed yet
but that's why i'm sending you my letter
you won't know what to look for
when you search through your mail
but i know just how to get through to you
and you'll be surprised to find
that my love letter has always been there
it has been surrounding you forever
their hands are my hands
their hearts are my hearts
i know you may not understand just yet
and that's ok, my dear one
but this letter is so urgent
you must realize it's already been sent
you haven't been listening to me, child
your heart and mind have grown wild
but i'm sending you this love letter
over and over and over again
until you finally decide to open it
until you finally decide to read it
i'm giving you all my love, daughter
for you are mine and you are loved.
"...is it a bit much to ask for the snow to come down and cover my tracks?"
hey fun girl, where did you go
did you get swept away
even though you swore
the wind would never take you
hey beautiful girl, where did you go
your heart made you so pretty
not just your temporal smile
but neither one can be found
hey joyful girl, where did you go
why are you hiding your best aspect
did you get swallowed up by your pain
until there was nothing left
hey strong girl, where did you go
your strength has wained before
but never as absent as it is now
just open your eyes and you will see
hey fearless girl, where did you go
i thought i saw you the other day
but it was just my eyes playing a trick
i'm still looking for you
you're still there, i know you are
every part of you
waiting to be put back together
what are you waiting for, amazing girl?
did you get swept away
even though you swore
the wind would never take you
hey beautiful girl, where did you go
your heart made you so pretty
not just your temporal smile
but neither one can be found
hey joyful girl, where did you go
why are you hiding your best aspect
did you get swallowed up by your pain
until there was nothing left
hey strong girl, where did you go
your strength has wained before
but never as absent as it is now
just open your eyes and you will see
hey fearless girl, where did you go
i thought i saw you the other day
but it was just my eyes playing a trick
i'm still looking for you
you're still there, i know you are
every part of you
waiting to be put back together
what are you waiting for, amazing girl?
Friday, December 07, 2007
"every line is about who i don't want to write about anymore."
will this ever end..................? i have so much going on... and i know i can get through it all and i have hope and faith- but oh, how weary i am. how weary my heart is. every day is a battle. every day i have to walk up a hill. and it just seems to be getting bigger each time. will this ever end?
Sunday, December 02, 2007
I see your heart...... it's beautiful.
heyyyyyyyyyy.
So. I have had SO much fun this weekend, it's been amazing! Both Friday and Saturday nights were spent dancing the night away (seriously!) in the official "frat house" of Friley... the one and only Niles-Foster.
It's like a frat, except no creepers, and it's not lame. I love the whole group! I've met so many people and made really good friends through spending so much time with Nick and all the guys on his floor, and the other girls that call Niles-Foster their home pretty much. We kinda feel like one big family. When you put your arms around each other and make one big circle, yelling in chorus "I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys at 2 a.m.... you kinda find yourselves closer than you were before... haha. it's friggin' awesome!
I've been trying my hardest to not dwell on the things going on with my parents, or any other stress-causer in my life that I cannot control. I'm just focusing on myself. I'm focusing on getting through finals week and that's IT. that's all I can do. then it's time to get my wisdom teeth out and I'm not gonna worry about it until December 17th comes around.
I was inspired to paint yesterday, so I painted while Nick recorded in his room, and the creative juices were allowed to flow and it was FANTASTIC! I am so satisfied with the result... I seriously love this painting.
I did all sorts of new, fun techniques, which I love about the arts... really gets me pumped up! Then today, Nick recorded a part he wrote for me to sing in this new song he's recording... it's a pretty acoustic song, not really like his other stuff. I was surprised how shy I was to sing in front of him, and I don't know how many times I had to do it.. over and over and over and over and over again, but I got it pretty perfect and it sounds super good......I can't believe it's me singing! wooo! way fun.
I'm not getting stressed about it being dead week. I love dead week, actually. Even though I have very tough tests to prepare for... being anxious and stressed about tests is not the way to be successful, I've definitely learned that. Just relax and have fun- watch movies while it's cold and snowy outside, drink tea and hot cocoa, and just make sure to study a little every day and you'll be just fine- at least, just do the best you can do, and that's all you should worry about.
P.S. Anybody else TOTALLY EXCITED to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie coming out!?!?! it looks freaking HILARIOUS!!! :)
So. I have had SO much fun this weekend, it's been amazing! Both Friday and Saturday nights were spent dancing the night away (seriously!) in the official "frat house" of Friley... the one and only Niles-Foster.
It's like a frat, except no creepers, and it's not lame. I love the whole group! I've met so many people and made really good friends through spending so much time with Nick and all the guys on his floor, and the other girls that call Niles-Foster their home pretty much. We kinda feel like one big family. When you put your arms around each other and make one big circle, yelling in chorus "I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys at 2 a.m.... you kinda find yourselves closer than you were before... haha. it's friggin' awesome!
I've been trying my hardest to not dwell on the things going on with my parents, or any other stress-causer in my life that I cannot control. I'm just focusing on myself. I'm focusing on getting through finals week and that's IT. that's all I can do. then it's time to get my wisdom teeth out and I'm not gonna worry about it until December 17th comes around.
I was inspired to paint yesterday, so I painted while Nick recorded in his room, and the creative juices were allowed to flow and it was FANTASTIC! I am so satisfied with the result... I seriously love this painting.
I did all sorts of new, fun techniques, which I love about the arts... really gets me pumped up! Then today, Nick recorded a part he wrote for me to sing in this new song he's recording... it's a pretty acoustic song, not really like his other stuff. I was surprised how shy I was to sing in front of him, and I don't know how many times I had to do it.. over and over and over and over and over again, but I got it pretty perfect and it sounds super good......I can't believe it's me singing! wooo! way fun.
I'm not getting stressed about it being dead week. I love dead week, actually. Even though I have very tough tests to prepare for... being anxious and stressed about tests is not the way to be successful, I've definitely learned that. Just relax and have fun- watch movies while it's cold and snowy outside, drink tea and hot cocoa, and just make sure to study a little every day and you'll be just fine- at least, just do the best you can do, and that's all you should worry about.
P.S. Anybody else TOTALLY EXCITED to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie coming out!?!?! it looks freaking HILARIOUS!!! :)
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
if I could just breathe......
The second I got back to Ames, I felt like I could breathe again. It felt like being home, for real.
I OFFICIALLY passed that darn kidney stone that has been causing me THE WORST PAINS EVER for like the past 4 weeks.... I passed it today at about 2 oclock, precisely during my english class (the one with the biotch teacher who doesn't give a rat's behind whether i'm in pain or not). I felt like I had died. But, of course, I was alive and breathing, but in quite a lot of pain still because of the terrible muscle spasms I'm getting in my kidneys from passing the stone. Nick held me in his arms while I cried and yelled the pain out until the ibuprofen started working and i got weak and tired from the whole ordeal I had just been through.
I've been learning so much about life, and if I wasn't such an insomniac that was aware of said insomnia problem and aware of sleep being what I must do even though I am an insomniac.... then I would keep writing about what I've learned and what I am currently learning about life. however, i AM such an insomniac. so I'm taking my sleeping pill and calling it a night.
tomorrow's a big day for me. peace.
I OFFICIALLY passed that darn kidney stone that has been causing me THE WORST PAINS EVER for like the past 4 weeks.... I passed it today at about 2 oclock, precisely during my english class (the one with the biotch teacher who doesn't give a rat's behind whether i'm in pain or not). I felt like I had died. But, of course, I was alive and breathing, but in quite a lot of pain still because of the terrible muscle spasms I'm getting in my kidneys from passing the stone. Nick held me in his arms while I cried and yelled the pain out until the ibuprofen started working and i got weak and tired from the whole ordeal I had just been through.
I've been learning so much about life, and if I wasn't such an insomniac that was aware of said insomnia problem and aware of sleep being what I must do even though I am an insomniac.... then I would keep writing about what I've learned and what I am currently learning about life. however, i AM such an insomniac. so I'm taking my sleeping pill and calling it a night.
tomorrow's a big day for me. peace.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
"take these broken wings and learn to fly"
It's been a different kind of Thanksgiving Break for me this fall. Although the circumstances around me have changed, being thankful stays the same. I'm still extremely thankful for the life I have and the people in it. I'm so thankful for my God looking out for me and never leaving me alone during a time of great need and also during times of no particular need at all. I'm so grateful for His love, always flowing down to me, always being revealed to me in the people who care about me.
I can't lie- this has been a really hard day. It's been very depressing. I have to try with every fiber in my body to not let it get me down. I feel trapped in this house, suffocating from the tension and the restraint and the suppressed emotions that just want to burst out of me. I look outside and watch the snow blow around and settle down into the thick blanket of white freezing the ground and killing the plants underneath it. And it makes me think of the reality going on around me right now. Family hasn't been my definition of family for 5 or 6 years, but this time the meaning of family really isn't from my own "nuclear family" at all. If my "nuclear family unit" or whatever you like to call it, were the only sense of family I knew, I certainly wouldn't be the warm, friendly, loving person that I am right now. The portrait of the family has changed over time for me. Family in the sense that I know and love, comes from my "family" of friends that I am so blessed to have. The people that cook fettucini alfredo or macaroni n cheese and sit around watching The Office and drinking tea, that's my family. The people that I laugh with after a good "That's what she said" joke. The people that make me warm and happy on the inside, the ones that, no matter what I may be going through, can make me smile and feel good. THAT'S my family. The ones that I know are praying for me, are thinking about me, are caring about me by just one look into their eyes or one hug into their open arms. I love my family.
You know you have it good when you can sit and literally DO nothing, but feel in your heart a happiness and a joy just to be in the presence of people who reciprocate love and friendship. I have it better than most, I'd say.
It's hard to have this sudden (it may not seem sudden, but it feels that way to me) void in my heart, where I'm just very AWARE that I don't have a real family to go home to... not the kind of family that all my other friends talk about when they are getting ready to leave college for break to go back home to and celebrate a holiday with. But that's what it is, it's a void. It's this empty, blank spot in my heart. But it gets filled up in various ways.... like, Tuesday night when I drove out to Nick's dad's house and watched random tv shows with Nick and his dad, and then when his sisters and stepmom got home they were all there too. It felt like a family. Just sitting there on the couch, watching The Office and Dancing With The Stars, sipping hot cocoa and listening to Barb try to help Nick's little sister Megan with her school project. THe fire place was on. It was warm. It made me happy to see a real family and be around it for a while. That fills my void for the time being. Last night when Nick, Sam, Michelle, Scott, Caleb and I went to Immersion... that did it too. Looking down the row we filled, I felt like I was with my family. Then afterwards, we all went back to Scott's and went on an adventure to make the perfect dinner by getting a bunch of food at Wal-mart... we made fettucini alfredo with chicken, and had apple pie and pumpkin pie with ice cream for desert. Nick and Scott played the piano and me and Michelle sang and hummed, Scott and I "broke into" the Laugerman's house (don't worry James... Stevie gave me permission) to get all of Scott's food that he left over there, and everyone laughed when they found out the cd that is stuck in my now BROKEN cd player is The Freedom Project and it's the only music I can listen to while in my car except for crappy radio stations.
I guess The Beatles got it right when they wrote, "oh I get by with a little help from my friends."
-------------------------------------------
It's uncomfortable here
frozen hearts grow mute
the lights are on but we can't see
the music plays but it's just a dream
cause nothing really works the way it should
when everything that's real is broken.
I can't lie- this has been a really hard day. It's been very depressing. I have to try with every fiber in my body to not let it get me down. I feel trapped in this house, suffocating from the tension and the restraint and the suppressed emotions that just want to burst out of me. I look outside and watch the snow blow around and settle down into the thick blanket of white freezing the ground and killing the plants underneath it. And it makes me think of the reality going on around me right now. Family hasn't been my definition of family for 5 or 6 years, but this time the meaning of family really isn't from my own "nuclear family" at all. If my "nuclear family unit" or whatever you like to call it, were the only sense of family I knew, I certainly wouldn't be the warm, friendly, loving person that I am right now. The portrait of the family has changed over time for me. Family in the sense that I know and love, comes from my "family" of friends that I am so blessed to have. The people that cook fettucini alfredo or macaroni n cheese and sit around watching The Office and drinking tea, that's my family. The people that I laugh with after a good "That's what she said" joke. The people that make me warm and happy on the inside, the ones that, no matter what I may be going through, can make me smile and feel good. THAT'S my family. The ones that I know are praying for me, are thinking about me, are caring about me by just one look into their eyes or one hug into their open arms. I love my family.
You know you have it good when you can sit and literally DO nothing, but feel in your heart a happiness and a joy just to be in the presence of people who reciprocate love and friendship. I have it better than most, I'd say.
It's hard to have this sudden (it may not seem sudden, but it feels that way to me) void in my heart, where I'm just very AWARE that I don't have a real family to go home to... not the kind of family that all my other friends talk about when they are getting ready to leave college for break to go back home to and celebrate a holiday with. But that's what it is, it's a void. It's this empty, blank spot in my heart. But it gets filled up in various ways.... like, Tuesday night when I drove out to Nick's dad's house and watched random tv shows with Nick and his dad, and then when his sisters and stepmom got home they were all there too. It felt like a family. Just sitting there on the couch, watching The Office and Dancing With The Stars, sipping hot cocoa and listening to Barb try to help Nick's little sister Megan with her school project. THe fire place was on. It was warm. It made me happy to see a real family and be around it for a while. That fills my void for the time being. Last night when Nick, Sam, Michelle, Scott, Caleb and I went to Immersion... that did it too. Looking down the row we filled, I felt like I was with my family. Then afterwards, we all went back to Scott's and went on an adventure to make the perfect dinner by getting a bunch of food at Wal-mart... we made fettucini alfredo with chicken, and had apple pie and pumpkin pie with ice cream for desert. Nick and Scott played the piano and me and Michelle sang and hummed, Scott and I "broke into" the Laugerman's house (don't worry James... Stevie gave me permission) to get all of Scott's food that he left over there, and everyone laughed when they found out the cd that is stuck in my now BROKEN cd player is The Freedom Project and it's the only music I can listen to while in my car except for crappy radio stations.
I guess The Beatles got it right when they wrote, "oh I get by with a little help from my friends."
-------------------------------------------
It's uncomfortable here
frozen hearts grow mute
the lights are on but we can't see
the music plays but it's just a dream
cause nothing really works the way it should
when everything that's real is broken.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
"I'm afraid you sparked a nerve in me"
I still feel like I'm in the middle of a deadly storm, but I feel like I can see the end of it now. Somewhere off in the distance. It isn't close, but it isn't out of sight.
I've gone through more trials and suffering in the past month than I think I have ever gone through the past 18 years of my life. I've had it harder than ever before. I think I can say I've had it a lot harder than a lot of people around me. In hindsight, I still believe that everything I've been dealing with has happened for a reason and God chose this path for me and so I will walk it faithfully. But it has not been without struggle. It has not been without brokenness. I dealt with it the way I always deal with things. I go through it kicking and screaming, fighting and resisting like a stubborn mule. I go through it thinking, "how will I ever overcome this? why me? this isn't fair. i can't do this." I feel hopeless, I feel low. I feel dark, lonely, and all alone. But God doesn't give up on me, and neither do my friends and the people who love me. Above all, though, God keeps calling to me to come out of my pain and the darkness and into His arms. And finally, I'm answering. There is always that moment, that day when you realize you have to respond, you can't ignore it any longer and keep living the way you are, dependent on things that won't fix you like God can.
I'm starting to feel like I'm being me again, like I'm being Emily. I'm smiling up at the cloudy sky and it isn't closing in on me making me feel small and insignificant. I'm happy. :)
I've gone through more trials and suffering in the past month than I think I have ever gone through the past 18 years of my life. I've had it harder than ever before. I think I can say I've had it a lot harder than a lot of people around me. In hindsight, I still believe that everything I've been dealing with has happened for a reason and God chose this path for me and so I will walk it faithfully. But it has not been without struggle. It has not been without brokenness. I dealt with it the way I always deal with things. I go through it kicking and screaming, fighting and resisting like a stubborn mule. I go through it thinking, "how will I ever overcome this? why me? this isn't fair. i can't do this." I feel hopeless, I feel low. I feel dark, lonely, and all alone. But God doesn't give up on me, and neither do my friends and the people who love me. Above all, though, God keeps calling to me to come out of my pain and the darkness and into His arms. And finally, I'm answering. There is always that moment, that day when you realize you have to respond, you can't ignore it any longer and keep living the way you are, dependent on things that won't fix you like God can.
I'm starting to feel like I'm being me again, like I'm being Emily. I'm smiling up at the cloudy sky and it isn't closing in on me making me feel small and insignificant. I'm happy. :)
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