"you mean more to me than I could ever tell, so sorry that I'm taken aback, but I just can't help it!"

Here are some things from this past week:

Zach and I were working the night shift at Trop Sno, and we found ourselves with some time to kill. Hmm what could we do? Well...... we could take shots of straight flavor from the bottles? yes, let's do that. Zach took a shot of cinnamon, then we decided to pick a flavor for each other to do next. Of course I picked Cantaloupe for him, and he made me do Papaya. SICK!!!!! Then we picked for each other again, so I made him do Honeydew Melon, and he made me do Pink Grapefruit. Agh, blah, ew, uggh, yechhh. He said the Honeydew Melon was the worst, and for me it was definitely Pink Grapefruit... it burned our throats and actually made me feel kind of sick, the sourness was overwhelming and lasted long after I swallowed. But NOTHING compared to the ridiculous thing that James, Zach and myself decided to partake in next....... yes, we each took a shot of the Chocolate flavor. You may be thinking to yourself- chocolate? chocolate is good! yes, my friends, NORMAL chocolate is great. this chocolate though, mixed with shaved ice, tastes much like a nasty, old, tootsie roll combined with a turd for good measure. but the straight shot? it was like death moving down my throat. UGH!!!!! it was the nastiest thing ever, for sure. But it was funny.

Aubrey and I went 3 whole days without really talking about stuff and hanging out..... worst 3 days of my life probably, haha, no but seriously. It's ridiculous because it was only 3 days, but with it being summer you have to understand that we seriously are with each other every day.. and plus I had some very important life occurrences to inform her on, and waiting 3 days to do so was murder for us both!! So Aubs, her momma Karin, my momma and myself went out to lunch yesterday at Z'Mariks and finally reconnected :).

Immersion was good. It was centered on the isolation of groups of people and how we let our fear, pride, and apathy get in the way of reaching out and fulfilling our need to be unified as a community and to have friends, which is the way God made us to be. I'm finding more and more that I really love the style of worship music they do at Lutheran Church of Hope, it just fits me.

A certain somebody and I had a Harry Potter movie night last Tuesday, and it was one of the best nights of the summer for SURE! :) I couldn't be happier.

So... people from my church have been bringing my family meals, and seriously every time the person leaves after bringing something over I cry. I'm so grateful for people who reach out to my family, especially for my mom and my dad, and help us in these troubled times. The extent of my gratitude is inexpressible. I'm literally tearing up as I type this, just thinking about it.

My friends Mitch, Zach, and Josh came over Wednesday afternoon and spent an hour in the hot sun cleaning out our disgusting, dirty, nasty hottub that has needed to be cleaned for over 2 months I think... my dad couldn't do it because of his broken arm, then the hospital thing happened and it was just always there waiting to be done but it never got done, so my mom asked the boys to come over and do it. THey worked so hard and it smelled absolutely terrible, but they made it completely spotless and gorgeous. I cried a little in the car on the way to working at Trop after they did it, because my friends are so amazing and I take them for granted all the time. I love them so much.

I've almost completed reading a really sweet book, so I'll write about it probably in my next post. Lataaaa.
<3

2 old poems

I wrote this in early 2006, and it became the inspiration for one of my favorite paintings from my AP Studio Art collection my senior year of high school. Lately I've been trying to take my inspiration and this whirlwind of thoughts and emotions, and put them into poetry.. but I've been having trouble getting a good rhythm, so I've been looking back at old poetry to maybe stir up something.

I'm the queen of fixing grammar errors
but I cannot speak these words
I listen with my heart
but cannot submit to the truth
I'm amazing at smiling through pain
but cannot laugh away your face
I'm great at writing out my feelings
but cannot feel great after I write them
I'm so strong when I'm around you
but cannot hide my weakness when I am not
I'm good at crying out to my Father
but cannot hear what He says back
I'm able to withstand the hard times
but cannot see light at the end of this
I'm joyful whenever you see me
but cannot be happy in my isolation
I'm alright with admitting that I've fallen
but cannot figure out how to rise up
I'm ok with change and adapting
but cannot accept that I'm losing you
I'm the biggest optimist you've ever known
but cannot convince myself you'll ever hug me again
I'm a vigorous fighter in most cases
but cannot fight off the inevitable
I'm skilled in bouncing back
but cannot go anywhere but down
I'm a lover, I'm a dreamer, I'm an artist
but I cannot find the love in this pain
I cannot dream away this nightmare
I cannot paint this hole in my heart.
-----

And this is a poem I wrote actually a little over 2 years ago, in April of 2005.... it inspired my absolute FAVORITE painting, because it made me feel so much as I wrote it, and every time I read over it again... it was easy to represent the tone in beautiful colors. There is nothing I love more than using color to demonstrate how I feel.

All the voices fade away
the colors around me turn to gray
background noises gradually drop out
no more whispers, no murmurs of doubt
Alone I lay, broken on the floor
ever-hopeful heart like an open door
lingering scent upon my soul, I pray:
please stay, oh I pray that you stay
With time on my side I am so high
above mountains of worry and rivers run dry
high I sigh while I glide along a cloud
breaking the silence I SCREAM OUT LOUD
ALIVE I scream and ALIVE I bleed
escape the cage and be free, resist the feed
take heed: the others oppose your heart
their words will wound like a poison dart
Tonight my light guides me down my path
I know not when I will next face your wrath
but somehow dark edges remain on the outside
all I see: a sunset offshore of the restless tide
With water rising ever-presently all around me
fears of drowning swim into view constantly
like millions of grains of sand in my hand
these thoughts will slip through the cracks; I will stand!
-tall! amongst the angry and ignorant crowd
with voices that pierce, I still remain proud
if fight you I must, then FIGHT YOU I WILL
I will protect my heart, MY LOVE YOU CANNOT KILL.
---
<3 the end.

a bad way to start the morning off.

and she takes it all in
one breath, one heart
in that moment
she feels stripped
all at once
and it makes her sick
as she feels everything
rushing through her veins
draining her of hope
of all goodness
how can it all be felt at once
without breaking down?
she's sickened at the thought
as she relives every second
that left her empty
as she feels
the abandonment, the rejection
the shock of not mattering
the disbelief of not being enough
the lack of kindness...
after everything she's been through!
the betrayal of a friend
the bitterness, the disloyalty
the anger swelling up inside
the pain of her past
the pain of her present
and the pain that will
remain forever.

no one deserves to be treated like that
when treatment is your job
and you do nothing
you refuse care
to the ones who need care the most
to the ones who cry out for help
no one deserves that.
----------------------------------------------

Today, life slapped me in the face. Today, my distrust of the medical professionals who claim to want to help, was confirmed and enhanced. I have always been cautious around doctors, skeptical... and now right when I think I'm actually beginning to trust, I get thrown out like I'm just some joe-schmo who doesn't matter, because I'm just another patient, I'm just another number... my life, health and well-being doesn't REALLY matter after all, I can be handed off from doctor to doctor, never getting the right treatment, always having to start over and explain the same painful story over and over and OVER again to some doctor who looks me in the eye and pretends to be all concerned and trying to help, when really, they're just going to end up like all the others who have abandoned me and given up on me. Don't you dare refuse to see me, after everything I've been through, don't you begin to "phase-out" seeing your patients without telling my family what the hell is going on, while I go weeks of feeling pain that doubles me over and leaves me depressed and exhausted.......

I feel so unimportant, and worthless. The sick shouldn't be treated like that, the sick should be encouraged and loved and feel like they're worth any kind of treatment or care that will help them have a better life, like they're valuable.

It isn't fair, it isn't right.
the end.

it all seemed so real

Do you ever listen to the words of a song, and think to yourself that you wish someone had said those words to you? Like if everything went the way you wanted it to, that person would have said exactly the words that you now hear every day in that song? Sometimes songs come along like that, and it makes me think about all of that stuff. All of the distance references in the song, "Hey There Delilah" can only make me think of a certain somebody who lives 1200 miles away and used to have my heart, but never loved me enough to do anything to be with me. Time has passed, but I'll never be able to deny how much I wish he would have found it in him to speak such lovely words of assurance and commitment (emphasis on past tense). I'm fine with everything now, because everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't be where I am today if that whole thing hadn't gone down, so I am content knowing that I'm where I'm supposed to be. God really does take care of everything, in the end. I'd rather Him hold my heart for the time being.

Also, I just re-discovered some of my old, old, old CD's that were hidden away in a drawer in my room, and I popped one of them in and I'm seriously loving it. Partly because it brings me back a little to those careless days before high school and jobs and responsibility... but partly because I really do like the particular album or song(s). For instance, I am listening to Vanessa Carlton's first album- Be Not Nobody, and I feel like I'm back in 8th grade again. I am usually pretty outspoken about my dislike for female vocalists, but lately I've widened my range because I'm finding there are definitely some female singers who can REALLY sing. Anyway, Vanessa Carlton's voice is kind of weird and so I kind of like it. I am a sucker for pretty piano songs though, so that probably has a lot to do with it too.

I went through an awkward stage where I thought I was too old and too cool to admit anymore that I still liked boy bands like Backstreet Boys and Nsync, but now that I'm a sophomore in college I think it's pretty safe to say I'll always like the catchy little tunes from good ol' Backstreet and N*sync, or N*suck as I used to call them because you couldn't be a fan of both while they had their prime reign over pre-teen girls around the world.

That's all I've got for now. Goooooooooodnight.

"then tiny vessels oozed into your neck and formed the bruises that you said you didn't want to fade..."

i'm just in the mood to do this.

Favorite Songs of just a few of my favorite bands, be prepared......

Death Cab For Cutie:
1. Tiny Vessels
2. Sound of Settling
3. Transatlanticism
4. We Looked Like Giants
5. Marching Bands of Manhattan

Mae:
1. Breakdown
2. Giving It Away
3. Mistakes We Knew We Were Making

Dave Matthews Band:
1. Warehouse
2. Big Eyed Fish
3. American Baby
4. Best of What's Around
5. Stay or Leave

The Wedding:
1. This One Is For You
2. I-540
3. Fireworks

Guster:
1. Careful
2. Ramona
3. Backyard

Jimmy Eat World:
1. Work
2. Hear You Me
3. Kill

John Mayer:
1. Why Georgia
2. My Stupid Mouth
3. Your Body Is a Wonderland
4. Bigger Than My Body
5. Back To You

Relient K:
1. Be My Escape
2. Who I Am Hates Who I've Been
3. Getting Into You
4. Failure to Excommunicate
5. Must Have Done Something Right
6. For The Moments I Feel Faint
7. Pressing On
8. Life After Death & Taxes
9. I Am Understood
10. Overthinking

Sigur Ros:
1. Saeglopur
2. Andvari
3.Hoppipolla

Third Eye Blind:
1. Semi-Charmed Life
2. Jumper
3. Never Let You Go

Anberlin:
1. A Day Late
2. Paperthin Hymn
3. Time and Confusion

Coldplay:
1. In My Place
2. The Scientist
3. Clocks
4. Trouble
5. Yellow
6. Amsterdam
7. Warning Sign
8. Fix You
9.Talk
10. White Shadows

The Envy Corps:
1. Sylvia (the Beekeeper)
2. Rhinemaidens
3. Story Problem

The Faint:
1. Southern Belles In London Sing
2. Glass Danse
3. I Disappear

The Format:
1. On Your Porch
2. The First Single
3. I'm Ready, I Am
4. She Doesn't Get It (acoustic)
5. Tie The Rope

Goo Goo Dolls:
1. Slide
2. Name
3. Black Balloon
4. Iris
5. Acoustic #3
6. Big Machine
7. Here Is Gone
8. Let Love In
9. Sympathy
10. Better Days

Disney:
1. I Just Can't Wait To Be King
2. I'll Make A Man Out of You
3. Colors of the Wind
4. Whole New World
5. Part of Your World
6. Can You Feel The Love Tonight
7. Hakuna Matata
8. Kiss the Girl
9. Under the Sea
10. Circle of Life

"Jesus, Jesus, there's something about Your name... Master, Savior, Jesus."

"Does not wisdom cry out,
And understanding lift up her voice?
She takes her stand on the top of the high hill,
Beside the way, where the paths meet.
She cries out by the gates, at the entry of the city,
At the entrance of the doors:
'To you, O men, I call,
And my voice is to the sons of men.
O you simple ones, understand prudence.
And you fools, be of an understanding heart.
Listen, for I will speak of excellent things,
And from the opening of my lips will come right things;
For my mouth will speak truth;
Wickedness is an abomination to my lips.
All the words of my mouth are with righteousness;
Nothing crooked or perverse is in them.
They are all plain to him who understands,
And right to those wo find knowledge.
Receive my instruction, and not silver,
And knowledge rather than choice gold;
For wisdom is better than rubies,
And all the things one may desire cannot be compared with her.'"
-Proverbs 8:1-11

"It's true I failed, but Your love covers me."

Today I awoke to a surge of creativity inside of me. The artistic vibe flourished and I found myself painting on my deck, listening to The Almost.

This lyric: "It's true I failed, but Your love covers me"
was the inspiration for my painting. This is how I would explain it more...

dirtiness of sin in our lives
we fail all the time
we're constantly sinning
but that is not the end
no, God gives us
new beginnings
hope for life
His sacrificial love
covers every mistake
wiping us clean of all the
dirt, grime, and ugliness
making us white as snow
His blood covers us
His love saves us

He LOVES us!
<3

So I felt those words and I turned them into colors. It's a more simple, abstract piece. Not much technique nor compositon considered, but emotion and color dominate the overall look... and a little bit of movement. I have limited supplies too, so, that kind of stinks. It took many layers to finally feel right to me, and I kept adding washes on top to polish it off. It's nothing amazing, but I like it. It'll do for now. I've been walking around my empty house singing worship songs out loud to God, well at least I hope no one was around because I'd be a little embarrassed... but uhh, I'm really focused on God today, and I feel good about that.

Love, Emily.

"hey there delilah, i've got so much left to say, if every simple song i wrote to you would take your breath away, i'd write it all..."

ok, so, last night was the coolest night of my life. Wanna know why it was so cool? Because Scott had a Tea Party, and so we sat around and watched The Office while drinking all kinds of teas for about 3 hours. I believe I had four mugs of Vanilla Almond flavored tea, and I even got Aubrey (who is not a tea drinker at all) to get addicted to it and have like 3 cups. We also watched the most random show on earth, called Stella, and I about died from how much I laughed at it. There were a ton of people who showed up too, let's see if I can get everyone... Scott, Aubrey, Zach, Sam, Michelle, Josh, Steve S., Kayla, Mitch, Bryan, Linds, JR, Rob, Pete, Sarah, Mike, Kate, Nick, aaaaand of course myself. Goodness! So anyway, it was tons of fun, and I woke up today craving some vanilla almond!

Here is something that I love: finishing my shower, walking into my room to see Aubrey asleep on my bed and listening to my Lord of the Rings soundtrack. seriously how cute is that, I just loveeee her.

I am working on my pride, and today was a great opportunity for me to do so. Aubs and I got in a little fight, and both of us sat inside Tropical Sno saying nothing to each other and sitting there awkwardly fuming, poor Zach had to be there throughout the tension-filled 15 minutes or so, and then I put my pride aside and told her I was sorry for getting so angry, and then she told me she was sorry for coming off as a jerk and explained what she really meant by her comment, and then we hugged and it was over. So it's little things like that that are helping me cut down my pride, so hopefully I can get better and better.

Tonight we are going to light off a bunch of Stevie's fireworks and go crazy, woooo!!!

So this is my favorite song at the moment... just look at these lyrics:

Hey there Delilah,
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away,
But girl tonight you look so pretty,
Yes you do,
Time Square can’t shine as bright as you,
I swear it’s true.

Hey there Delilah,
Don’t you worry about the distance,
I’m right there if you get lonely,
Give this song another listen,
Close your eyes,
Listen to my voice it’s my disguise,
I’m by your side.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
What you do to me.

Hey there Delilah,
I know times are getting hard,
But just believe me girl some day,
I'll pay the bills with this guitar,
We'll have it good,
We'll have the life we knew we would,
My word is good.

Hey there Delilah,
I’ve got so much left to say,
If every simple song I wrote to you,
Would take your breath away,
I’d write it all,
Even more in love with me you’d fall,
We’d have it all.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me.

A thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars,
I’d walk to you if I had no other way,
Our friends would all make fun of us,
And we'll just laugh along because,
We know that none of them have felt this way,
Delilah I can promise you,
That by the time that we get through,
The world will never ever be the same,
And you’re to blame.

Hey there Delilah you be good,
And don’t you miss me,
Two more years and you’ll be done with school,
And I'll be making history,
Like I do,
You’ll know it's all because of you,
We can do whatever we want to,
Hey there Delilah here's to you,
This one’s for you.
--Plain White T's
<3

"without you there is no doubt, I would break under the burden..."

I've had to deal with a lot of pain this week, but at the same time I've had more fun this week than I can sufficiently express. Sometimes I wonder how a person can enjoy life amidst so much pain and misery and weariness, but then I hit myself in the forehead and go "uh-duh!" because it's so clear: God. He provides the strength, He provides the rest, He provides everything I need when I depend on Him and trust Him. I can't believe I went so many months with my back turned to the only One who can make everything better for me. I'm so thirsty for the Word. My thoughts are more focused on what's important, being Christ-like and being a light in a dark world. I am able to withstand the pain of kidney stones time and time again, without sorrow or bitterness in my heart.

This week I have.........
worked lots, watched 4th of July fireworks with a huge group of awesome people, comforted a crying friend, been to a friend's battle of the bands, cheered The Freedom Project until my voice grew hoarse, thrown the frisbee around on multiple occasions, started hanging out with new and exciting people, had Zach sleep over at my house (on the couch, duh), watched fireworks at the Capitol downtown, had a sleepover with Aubs, partied at the Laugerman's and listened to musicians play beautiful music, sang along to every song while driving down Highway 5 with Aubrey and Zach, went to Immersion for the first time in a REALLY long time, had good conversation and good fellowship at The Wel after Immersion, tried my first Jones' Soda, worshiped my amazing God, chilled at a bonfire, went to the beach, been to an I-Cubs game at Principal Park, seen another fireworks display after the game, played frisbee in the dark with a sweet light-up frisbee, hung out with everyone at Foster's which made it feel like I was back at Iowa State, read my Bible when I was feeling down, had meaningful conversations, went out to dinner with my mom, and probably more but I can't even remember everything since there's so much! ahh!

Oh, and the not-fun stuff.... well two days in a row I had to leave work because I got kidney pain, and everything that comes with that... umm, and was bed-ridden for a few hours. One of the days, Ben and Sam came and visited me :), and today Zach and Aubs came over and kept me company for a little bit :). Uhhhhh, earlier in the week I had an episode where I couldn't even drive myself home I was in so much pain and so dizzy and nauseous. ugh. yuck. blah. yyyyeah. But you know what? I'll be ok.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." -Matthew 11:28-30 *my life verse*

that's all<3

you are the only one that knows exactly what I mean....

:(

I wish I could just be strong right now. I wish I could feel the strength that has always gotten me through these times before. But instead, all I feel is down and out. The threads of my body are screeching at me, "stop we can't take anymore pain, stop!" but I just have to bear it and act like everything's fine. Because once you stop and let yourself dive into the pool of wallowing, you never accomplish anything. I hope so much that tomorrow does not bring another day of pain, nausea, dizziness and fatigue. I know God's in control, but physical ailing strikes me hard and it strikes me often, and it's just super hard to get on with everything else at the same time. Every time my stones do this crap to me, I think about the future and how many other times I will have to endure this stuff. I remember a year ago thinking about how in the world I was gonna deal with it all on my own when I'm in college and away from my parents, who usually dealt with me when I experienced kidney problems. Then college came and all the sudden it was the end of my freshman year, and I had somehow dealt with major kidney pain like three or four times. But now I sit here a year later, and I'm thinking about the exact same thing. I know I have the strength because my God gives me the strength when I need it, but it's these moments where everything just gets to me and strips away my armor... I don't know if I have it in me to keep dealing with this.

And I mostly think that because I am so driven by my emotions. Sickness and pain and suffering make me feel terrible, therefore I think negative things. So somehow I must overcome it..... again.

I'm just overwhelmed with life right now. I feel hints of discontent itching at me once again.

To be honest, I kind of just want to be back in Ames right now. Back in the dorms, back to campustown, back at the UDCC eating meals, back to learning and walking to class, back to shared bathrooms, back to pick-up soccer games on central campus, back to weekly fellowship at Salt. Back to the college life. At first I thought that it was because summer is routine-free and school months are spent in routine, but I thought about it more and I don't think you can say one is this and one is that. I think I have phases of routine and phases of non-routine every now and then, and it's not necessarily a routine absolutely just because when school starts I have a schedule to follow when it comes to going to classes and doing homework. It's a routine when you don't change things up every now and then. So I'm definitely looking forward to August and being back at Iowa State.

I had a big let-down occur the other day. My North-Carolinian friend Adam promised me last summer when I flew to NC to visit, that he would see me either in 8 months for spring break, or a year for a week during the summer- this summer. Well spring break didnt work out, so this summer was the last option. After discussing all possible dates, basically there's no way he can fly out here. THe only window of opportunity is right before I go back to ISU, literally like days before, and I just don't want to have to host a guest in my house and in my town when I'm getting ready to move out again and get ready for school. He has summer school, and gets his wisdom teeth out the only other week that would work, so there's no time left. Basically, he's not coming, and that promise he made me isn't going to be fulfilled. It's just a huge let down. We've had a rocky relationship, but Adam isn't someone I'm going to just stop being friends with because of things that have happened in the past. I know my friends would advise me to stay away from him (that's funny b/c he's 1200 miles away), but it kind of frustrates me that they never understand how he will always be apart of my life no matter what. So anyway, he's not coming. I'm sad, because I miss him a ton. He has a new girlfriend and he's been taking summer classes so he can get into NC State next Spring and is doing really well, and then I'm working all the time or with my friends every night, so we don't get to talk on the phone that much anymore. Basically he thinks I don't care about him at all because I never call him anymore, but in reality I care about him so freaking much and think about him all the time. I don't call because I always gets home late, and if I call earlier in te day he has classes, so our schedules never really mesh enough to meet halfway it seems. I wish I could fly to NC right now and see him!

My heart is dizzy and overwhelmed right now. I think about someone and dream and imagine things, then the next minute I'm doing the same thing about someone else, then it changes again, then it goes back to the first one, then I just want to throw up.

Well I open Tropical Sno tomorrow morning, so I think I'll go to bed now. I pray that I can have a day of no kidney stone problems that make me feel weak and drained and make me want to curl up in a ball in my bed and leave the shades down. :(

<3

I wrote these words cause I love you!

AHHHHHH! new favorite song!!!! get ready for a long post.

"This One Is For You" by The Wedding.

you got to get, get over yourself a little
to see the grass is green
you got to get, get over yourself a little
to see the grass is green

you make this all worthwhile
you get better by the mile
even when it tears you apart
you do your best not to show it

it's me that you can do without
but you choose to stick it out
and without you there is no doubt
i would break under the burden

just try love

and i am so self-involved
yeah i am so typical
you could call my every move now baby

but you're a mid summer's dream
yeah you are so pristine
and in the end everything you do
is just for me

just try love
why do you even bother with me
please, tell me what it is you see
just try love
why do you even bother with me

and it's the least I could do
after what we've been through
I wrote these words CAUSE I LOVE YOU
only you!

just try love.

----------------------------------

The art of music can have my affects. Typically, when I find myself playing a song over and over again driving in my car, getting ready in my room after I wake up, or before I go to bed at night... it has consistent components. First, it makes me feel something when I listen to it. The way this affects me is dependent upon my mood at the time I hear it. Second, it makes me think about how I relate to the lyrics of the song. Not only am I emotionally tied to the music now, but I am psychologically tied as well. Once that happens, I usually begin thinking about lots of other things that branch off of that main scope of thoughts. It's kinda crazy. Third, it makes me want to write out what the lyrics say. This is kind of unique to me because of my love for writing. I love writing things that are important to me so that they are documented. It makes me feel like they are more set in stone, more real almost, permanent. Usually this action of writing leads to other artistic intentions, I start drawing and doodling and coloring... writing out the words in funky letters, moving on from there until I am satisfied. Lastly, I write about them. and that's kind of where I'm at right now. I definitely don't fulfill all of these parts every time I discover how much I love a certain song... sometimes I can't get to the third or fourth parts, maybe because of time restraints, or other hindrances, or sometimes I just can't put into words what I want to say- very typical. hate it. but, it happens. what can you do.

This song makes me think of all my friends who surround themselves around me and associate with me time and time again, after all that I've put them through just being who I am- a person who makes mistakes ALL the time, a person who doesn't always think with her head and with logic, a person who can explode sometimes, a person who falls, a sinner.

I'm so prideful, I have to be reminded over and over again to GET OVER MYSELF, like the lyrics say. I grew up being the baby of the family, always being spoiled and given special treatments for being the youngest. I have taken leaps and bounds to overcome the effects of being a spoiled person, but I feel there are so many more leaps to go. I love attention, I love having the spotlight on me. For most of my life I just wanted to be famous- my dream was to be a famous singer and dancer, like Selena. I wanted to perform and I wanted people to watch me and love my performance and look at me and go, wow she is so talented. I have let go of that performer dream, long ago it seems, but I am still a performer in my daily life. I am still that girl who loves the spotlight. I wouldn't say I live for it, but I sure do love it.

I'm selfish. We're all pretty selfish. I found that when I stop reading my Bible and being fed by the Word of God consistently, I grow more and more selfish. This is not good for anyone. I am trying so hard to think of others before myself, on everything. I love my friends and family and because I care for them so much I have always tried to think of them above myself, but lately I felt like I fell away from that. I'm reading my Bible again now, and I can already see change. I just hope I can keep growing and changing so that others see it too. I want to be that selfless woman of God that I grew up always wanting to be, before I strayed so much.

I could probably assume that many people who know me very well.. could very easily predict my every move when it comes to my pride and situations that arise from it. I'm very competitive, very, very, VERY competitive. I want to blame playing competitive soccer at Valley High School for that mostly, but, of course for REAL the blame lies with me and me alone. All Zach had to do was look at me and quietly say, "Emily... pride..." when I was playing mario kart to get me to realize what I was doing and that I needed to calm down. Ughhh. I need my friends to do that, as much as I hate it- I need it.

So when the lyrics say, "why do you even bother with me, please tell me what it is you see"- it's basically what I feel like saying to my friends, the ones who put up with me. And then I want to say this to let them know I love them so much for being by my side amidst my crazy antics, prideful heart, and selfish desires.

This part:
it's me that you can do without
but you choose to stick it out
and without you there is no doubt
i would break under the burden

...is humbling to me. it's so true...

so basically, the end sums up how I feel ultimately...
"it's the least I could do, after what we've been through
I wrote these words cause I love you, only you."

See, that's the best thing about ART. Art causes things to happen inside of you, it makes you face yourself, it makes you feel. Life is nothing without feelings. Life needs art, I need art in my life. Music, sculptures, paintings, carvings, prints, photographs, dance... it's all apart of an endless circle of creativity, growth, and emotion. I LOVE IT.

a poem and a prayer...

pull and pull until she breaks in half
push and push until she falls to her knees
love and love until she loves you back

summer skies reveal summer secrets
purple sunsets uncover golden sunrises
love and love until she loves you back

painful resistance transforms her heart
fearful insistence consumes her soul
love and love until she loves you back

love never felt so unlovely before.
---------------------------------------


Father, my God, You are the Magnificent Creator
You provide no matter what
You love unconditionally
You sacrificed yourself to save us
You are beautiful and amazing
can we ever fathom Your ways?
Your Holy Spirit flows everywhere
filling every empty space in our hearts
You know us completely
because You made us
You always understand
our pain is Your pain
You hold us in Your arms
like a little child in the arms of their Father
You are just and righteous
You are perfect
I love you with all of my heart. <3
---

"I think that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again..."

"...So take it all the way!
Whoa, whoa
and our hearts are on the everglow
deep inside we both know it
everything's hanging on this moment
whoa, whoa
and our hearts are on the everglow
every action begs a reaction
we'll figure it out, and make it happen
whoa, whoa
and our hearts are on the everglow
so just let go and fall into it!"

Life's tugging at me again. You know how things just make you feel a little crazy sometimes, like you want so much more, but you're just not getting it. I'm a pretty open person, at least I'd like to say so without being labeled as one of those crazy, psycho open people who make everyone else feel uncomfortable they're just SO open about anything and everything. I'm not afraid to be vulnerable. I'm afraid of being taken advantage of when I'm in a vulnerable state, because it's happened more than once, but, being vulnerable itself doesn't scare me. I can admit to certain things that I guess some people have a really hard time admitting. Maybe because I grew up being a weird kid who wrote all the time and one of those freaks who kept notebooks and notebooks full of stuff they wrote throughout their life..? You can't be a writer if you're a liar. Writing is so intimate, people smell bs (censored) before they get to the second paragraph. So I've been disciplined through writing to just be honest. Being honest doesn't make things easier all the time, and it doesn't take away confusion... but the truth shall set you free. duh. everyone knows that.

If I could wish for anything right now, it'd be to fall in love. Not just, I want to be with you all the time, I think about you every second of every day love, but- I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side love. The love that drives you so crazy, you write love songs and poetry and it makes you feel like you don't care what happens as long as you're with the person you're in love with. Is it obtainable? Is it unrealistic? Sometimes I think it'll never happen, I'll be completely honest. Sometimes I can't imagine having a husband and kids someday because I can't see myself ever getting to that place in my life. But, ugh, other times? I just want to sit in my room all day and sing and dance and write about love. And not think about anything else. I just want to dream about the one who's going to come into my life and change me forever. The one who will sweep me off my feet and hold me in their arms until death do us part.
Sometimes I hear a song and it makes me feel like love- does that make ANY sense? to feel like love? I mean to feel like a cloud is surrounding your body and you're embodying love itself? and I stop breathing for a moment because my heart feels so incomplete when I realize how we were not meant to be alone and by ourselves. We were meant to be unified with another counterpart, to share our lives, to share our souls together as one. I close my eyes and all I see is a silhouette somewhere far off in the distance, far enough to be out of reach, but close enough to still be in view.

I blame this insanity on my recent viewing of one of my favorite movies ever- Wicker Park, and also listening to too much Mae. If I had someone do everything to find me and finally find me and come behind me and sit there just waiting for me to turn around and meet their gaze, and then cling to me and forget the hundreds of people walking around us and only see the person holding my face and kissing me and looking at me like I'm the most beautiful person their eyes have ever seen.... I would probably die of happiness, shock, and utter joy. No, I'd just know what love really is.

If you don't have a clue where I'm getting this lovey-dovey-mushy-gushy crap from, listen to "Breakdown", "The Everglow", and "Ready and Waiting to Fall" by Mae... and then watch the movie Wicker Park and pay close attention to the last scene. I'm serious!

"...But that September sky
how it whispered "I love you"
but I couldn't take it any longer
no I couldn't stand..."

Thoughts at Tropical Sno One Morning

As I was opening Tropical Sno this morning, I had a bunch of thoughts run through my mind and I was frustrated for a minute because they all came so fast and so suddenly... that I can’t remember all of them now that I am sitting with my laptop in front of me ready to type. Uh… figures. It’s ok, they’ll come to me again if they’re really something I need to get out (here's hoping). This is one thing I can delve into though (it is seriously dead at Trop right now, and has been for the past hour or something, it’s so boring).

I’ve found thus far in life that people have common bonds. These common bonds can be very simple and very small, seemingly insignificant things. Or, they can be the opposite. I have both, depending on the person I’m relating to. If you sit down and have a conversation with someone for 10 minutes, you can probably take the content of that conversation and take so many things from it that you relate to, either because you’ve had similar experiences, you’ve known other people who have explained similar experiences to you, or both, or whatever. And that’s just having a brief conversation with another human being. I sit down with people and talk for hours sometimes. Even when the conversations aren’t heavy and deep, even when they’re funny and humorous and silly- it still happens. And to think about it even more, I’m only 18 years old! I have so many more years to experience, it’s overwhelming to think of the life experiences that are to come later on. With age, we collect even more potential to relate to others. This makes me wonder why so many people in the world have so much hate for other people. We’ve all heard somebody say, “ugh… I HATE that person.” I don’t think it counts when one jokingly uses the word hate and when the people you’re telling it to know that it’s not real too. But when it is said and is truly meant, that’s what I’m referring to. So I wonder why there is so much hate. If we can all admit to the ability to relate to other people, does it just stop there- do we choose not to understand, not to feel, not to think about it? Once you relate to someone, something inside of you gives you that “wow, I know exactly what she’s talking about” sense. Once that has been done, you think about what that person must be feeling, and maybe how you felt when you experienced something similar, and so you can then put yourself in that person’s shoes for a minute and realize what’s going on inside of them. After that, an understanding comes. You think about how that person has been affected by whatever experience and the feelings and emotions that they go through. Maybe you think about how they were changed, if they were changed, if they were resilient, if they behave a certain way now because of something in their past. People have different ideas and different ways of thinking, but we all feel the same things and experience change from the choices we make and the things that happen to us in life. How do we not have that figured out yet? I know it’s more complicated than that. But if everyone figured out the basics of understanding, maybe that’s a start.

Is it because people are so quick to write someone off their list? If you foul once, you’re out. They’ll never forgive, they’ll never forget. The Bible tells us love does not keep record of wrongs, but it kind of seems like nobody listens to the Word of God. Is it pride, is it your dignity? “I won’t ever forget what Nancy did to me, she’ll never be a friend of mine ever again, she’s dead to me. She hurt me so much, I can’t believe she betrayed me, she doesn’t deserve my friendship!”--I’m sure. I’ve heard about people saying things like that, and believing them down to their cores. I've never said anything like that or thought that, but I have definitely used the word hate before when talking about a person... fortunately when I was a lot younger and a lot more stupid. Not that I'm not stupid with things now, but..... I'd say there's a definite shift in amount of stupidity going on, and with different kinds of situations. Aaaanyway. Yeah and I don't really mean "stupid" like unintelligent, but more like "stupid" meaning- oh man why did I ever act like that...

I would write more, but business is starting to pick up at good ole Trop. Finally!

"pull it together boy- you don't look so well..."

"i close my eyes and pretend you're sitting here with me
while i try to put my finger on exactly what it was that made you leave
and it took some time to walk away from that
and it took some time to walk away from that
and time is all that i have." -the wedding



I don't think there is anything worse than a writer who cannot seem to come up with anything great to write. Especially when they're thirsting for something great, not just something ok, not just something to fill up space, not just something good... something great. Whenever I post lyrics and nothing but lyrics, it means that I essentially could not come up with anything of my own creation to write. I have to turn to the inspirations of others. Others far more creative, far more successful, far more talented, far more anything that I would hope to be.

But that is an interesting verse up above.

I just watched Nacho Libre with James and Aubrey, and I thought it was hilarious.

I'm going to 8:30 church in the morning and I'm going to make Aubrey poop her pants probably for doing so. If that really happened, I don't know what I'd do. But wow that would be a funny sight..... for sure.

<3

and the truth of it is, we are still just kids

i fall at Your feet
my spirit is weak
renew me Father
hold me in Your arms
my tears release this pain inside of me
i can't express it any other way
i cry out to You, Father
i cry out to Your Holy Name
i'm angry and downtrodden
and can't live like this anymore
You're the only One
You're all I need
when I'm all alone at night
Your mercy is all I think about
Your grace and love
covers my sin
I love you, Father
please give me a new song to sing
I love you
I love you.

"what oh what is wrong baby, what oh what is wrong baby?"

This is the time during Summer that actually makes me think to myself- I don't want it to end. I've hit the jackpot. It took me a while to reach this point of contentedness. I'm working two jobs and loving them both. I spend every day with the people who make me happiest. I had an epiphany to get my relationship with God back on track, after months of weariness, bitterness, and distrust. I have consistency in my life, yet I have variety. I have things to look forward to with excitement and things to look back on with fondness. I'm in the middle of something good right now, and I don't want it to stop.

Last Saturday night, Aubrey and I closed up Tropical Sno and got to embrace Zach and James for the first time in 8 days (longer for Aubs). We sat in the Laugerman's house and heard the summary of their trip in Cancun. I almost cried because Zach came into the room and gave me and Aubrey gifts he bought us there. Just knowing somebody thought of you, it's a phenomenal feeling.

Sunday, The Awesome Threesome worked at Trop Sno and closed, then watched Zach's Cancun dvd with everyone at James' house. Then we laid outside in the driveway on Zach's newly purchased Mexican blanket- hahah, which smells like a Mexican garage, I'm serious, it's very distinct.

Monday, I worked with Zach at Trop until close, then 11 of us went and saw the movie Oceans Thirteen. It was a really, really, really good movie! Freaking loved it. It made me think of Steve (the Illinois Steve, not Laugerman) and Brek so much, because of all the gambling.... haha.

Tuesday was a full day! Well first off, I got to sleep in a lot so that was excellente. I worked at Trop with James until 4, then I went to the Raccoon River "beach" (the quotes are a must), where Zach, Kayla, Mitch, and Mike joined me. Zach and I just laid out and talked, but the other three swam a little. Then JR called about disc golfing, so he met us there and we all drove to this park over by South 14th St. in Des Moines- Ewing Park. JR, Mitch, Zach, Kayla, Mike, Sarah and I disc golfed (ok... I just caddied) there, and it was seriously the most beautiful park I've ever seen with a disc golf course in Iowa. It was amazing! JR did back flips for us, Zach ran around and threw sticks and looked like friggin' Mogley... Mitch kept getting beat down by discs, and Kayla showed Sarah her entire right boob pretty much. Eventful, wouldn't you say? Yeah AND fun, for sure :). Oh and I almost forgot to mention me and JR's special moment, where we stood and watched the pretty sunset over the trees together... yep... it was magical.

After that super long disc golf adventure, I was about to pass out from not eating enough all day. I needed calories and I needed them quick! So Zach, JR and I stopped at a BBop's and enjoyed some greasy, delicious, fattening burgers. It was awesome. Definitely necessary. Then we all met back at Raccoon River and hung out in the parking lot not really doing anything for a long time. We did throw a disc around for a while, when it was just me, Mitch, Kayla and Zach left.

Mitch and Kayla headed home, and Zach needed to take his fish Murdoch back to his house FINALLY.. so he came to my house with me to pick him up. It was only like 10:30, and it was Zach's first night of not having a stupid curfew... haha, so we ended up sitting at the end of my driveway for almost 3 hours, just talking. We talked about everything you can imagine. I think we covered everything going on in our lives, everything that could possibly be going through our heads, and everything that is anything. So.... it was a lot! I felt so much better about life in general afterwards. It made me think about a lot of stuff, and I got a lot off my chest, which I probably needed to do. It's beyond me why Zach and I had so many problems being around each other like throughout the past school year, but I think we actually are a lot alike and so it's good for me to talk to him about life. But of course in some ways we are different and that makes me see things in different perspectives. I seriously couldn't love the fact that we had a 3-hour talk at the end of my driveway any more. He was wrapped up in a cocoon in his Mexican blanket, I sipped my hot tea and covered up in my blanket, and then all the sudden it was 2 in the morning and I wanted to go to bed.

I told Zach something that I possibly have never really discussed with anyone else, at least not that I can remember.... and it was about my number one struggle and downfall in life, being my pride. My huge, fat pride. My pride is like an avalanche. My pride hits and it tumbles and one by one it ravages every aspect of my life and covers everything in a thick blanket of snow so that I am unable to see anything, and then it suffocates me. It is a huge chain reaction, because once I puff up with pride, I want to be in control and depend on myself. I want to fix things. Even with good intentions, pure intentions, I just want to make things better- but at the root of it all, it's because I can't stand feeling helpless, powerless.

So we decided I just have to make myself a garden brick that reads "God is in control today AND tomorrow." It's a daily struggle for me. It has to be a garden brick because a garden brick that read "the problem with problems is they are rarely seen as opportunities" changed Zach's life. haha. Ummm so, I just love Zach to death, and I love our talks for sure.

Anyway, today I worked with Zach until close at Trop. We had about 50 mood swings between the two of us inside that little shack. We had a lot of fun though too, haha. Throughout the evening, Caely, Bry, Linds, Luke and JR all showed up and hung out. Luke even helped take orders when it got super busy around 9 until close. After we closed, Zach, Luke and I threw Zach's frisbee around in the parking lot and listened to Luke's sweet rap music. Then we went to James' house to drop off the Trop stuff, and ended up throwing the frisbee in his culdesac for a really long time. Aubrey met up with us there and the four of us threw the frisbee, and then James realized we were outside his house (we didn't know where he was but apparently he was inside the whole time on facebook! geez!), haha, so he joined us outside. Aubs, Zach, James and I started watching Nacho Libre later, but Aubrey and I got kicked out by James' dad because of the 12:30 rule. uh ohhhh. So we better finish that movie sometime soon, cause it was hilarious!

So now you know why I'm content. I can only hope it lasts longer this time than before.
Love!
<3

"Well if you love me then just love me, don’t you give me pretty words."

Another long day of work is over :)

I freaking love opening in the morning for Tropical Sno. Let me explain why. First of all, when I wake up in the morning, I don't like to talk very much... because I'm waking up and I enjoy quiet until I'm fully awake. I like to peacefully wake up. And when I open, it's just me, I'm all by myself and I just do what I have to do. When I get to the Trop Sno shack, I put in my favorite CD either by The Almost or Haste The Day, and it pumps me up for the day. After I've done all the opening duties and such and change the "closed" sign to "open"- then it's time to sit down and draw in my sketchbook and listen to music. I don't feel very inspired when I'm just at home, so it's hard for me to sit down and draw and let the artsy part of me flow out. But when I'm sitting inside Tropical Sno ready for a long day's work, waiting for the first customer, I am inspired. I get inspired whenever I go somewhere, it's weird but that's a fact. It's so nice. Some days I even get to sit outside on one of the picnic tables and let the sun warm me up and it makes me feel so great because it makes me realize over and over again that it's summer, which makes me so happy. I sit there and wait for someone to show up, and I draw and think.. sometimes I just sit there not doing anything at all. It is wonderful.

Then, the best part is, right when I start to feel a little lonely and want to be busy doing something, somebody shows up, maybe even the regulars that I see every day. So then I get to make people's day by making them a refreshing, tasty sno cone. I love all the people I see every day. I love people asking me what flavors are in a Lover's Delight or a Rock N' Roll, and having them all completely memorized like I'm some kind of Tropical Sno Guru. haha.

Then right when I can't handle making the list of sno cones that have been ordered, either Tim or Aubrey or Kayla shows up and then we team-up and it's awesome. Every time I worked with Tim I had so much fun because we talked about shows and music the whole time and he is just super funny. And then of course working with Kay and Aubs was amazing. Aubrey and I were so freaking goofy for the first half, then we both got really crabby because it was stressful and things got crazy haha, but then we cheered each other up and it was great. Kayla and I are basically Tropical Sno CHAMPIANS.... honestly, dealing with the 20 thousand kids from Kids West that showed up today right during a huge rush, YEAH, we rocked that and although we kind of wanted to break down and cry afterwards, we didn't, we just kept going because we had to... people never stopped coming. Which is great for Steve. He's gotten SOOO much business this week because of how hot it's been. Seriously, Tropical Sno is *the* place to be at any time of day when it's 85 degrees and humid.

Tomorrow is going to be a pretty crappy day, not gonna lie. but I'll be making a lot of money, so it is worth it. I work open to 3 pm at Tropical Sno, which isn't bad- 5 hours compared to 8 hours all the other days I've worked there... but then at 5 I got to my job at Express and work til close- 10:30. so that's 10 and a half hours total. I'm gonna want to die.. for sure. But i'll make it I suppose.

I'm absolutely crazy about The Wedding's new album- Polarity. It is AMAZING. Every song is my favorite song. "Say Your Prayers" is pretty great.

"Look at this broken world; look at my children.
Look at this broken world; look at my children.

Get ready go; sing to me the right song.
Look up say your prayers on the steps of the capitol.
Look up say your prayers, on your knees.
Look up say your prayers.
Look up say your prayers.
You wanted it to be like you always thought it would
but all you seem to accomplish is the opposite.

You wanna walk with me, do ya?
You wanna walk with me.
Well if you love me then just love me,
don’t you give me pretty words.
Lay your life down at the altar.
Let me see how serious you are."
--The Wedding

Well I'm gonna shower now, then hopefully I'll be meeting up with Bry, Aubrey, and whoever else can hang out.
Lata. <3

"what are you afraid of?"

this is the only time I can really be on my computer, and it happens to be the time I desperately just want to spend sleeping so that I can awake in the morning refreshed and ready to work another long day. So this isn't gonna be thorough.

I think language is an amazing thing. Just thinking about life without language and the spoken word and communicating gives me terrible chills. I think meaningful conversations should be thought of as an art, something that brings color, expression, feeling, and passion to boring everyday life. I've had several great conversations with several great friends in the past week or so, and I am so glad.

Working everyday for 8 hours is wearing me out. Since last Friday I've been working nonstop, and I've amazed myself by waking up every morning and being completely responsible for opening a business, lasting the entire day working, and then moving straight to another activity until it's midnight or 1 in the morning and I come home to go to sleep. It's crazy. It has many pros as well as many cons. I could go into the intricate details, but like I said.... I'm seriously tired.

I've been listening to Haste The Day a TON lately, and it makes me feel really good inside. My favorite part in one of their songs is a part that goes a little something like this:

"I never should have let you go
I never should have let you slip through my arms
I never should have let you go
I never should have let you slip through my arms
As the sun sets tonight
I'll hold you with all that I am
As the sun sets tonight
I'll hold you with all that I am
As the sun sets tonight
I'll hold you with all that I am
I never should have let you go
promise me, you'll stay with me forever
forever
I never should have let you go
promise me, you'll stay with me forever
forever
I never should have let you go
promise me, you'll stay with me forever
forever."
--HTD

ok I'm seriously exhausted. so that's all for tonight.
<3

"and it's so obvious to everyone watching us, that we have got something real good going on!"

I didn't sleep well last night. I haven't figured out why yet. I laid in bed unable to fall asleep from 12:30 until 4:30....yeah....4 hours I just laid there. I was exhausted, because I worked til close at my Express job, and yet I could not shut my darn brain off for the life of me. I hate that. It really is becoming a more frequent problem for me, and I don't like to have to take sleeping pills for it. Ugh.

My mom came down this morning before she left for church and gently told me she had breakfast waiting for me upstairs- eggs, bacon, strawberries, and hot tea. my favorite breakfast ever pretty much. And she told me she loved me. It was the best thing to wake up to. She's been hard to get along with lately because of things with my dad, but when she is like how she was this morning, I just adore her. I love her anyway, because she's my mom and everything, but I love it when she does things like that.

Working was pretty fun today. I opened for the first time all by my lonesome self and it was really lonely until 1 pm when Tim Getting came in. I had always known who he is because of his girlfriend Lauren who I went to church with growing up, but I had never really talked to him before. He's a great guy! Really funny and has that dry humor that I really find amusing in people. He's also an amazing ice-shaver and super bad at pouring flavors in the sno-cones, so that worked out well because ice-shaving is not my favorite thing. We made a good team! We switched off putting our music in the cd player and talked about tons of stuff like music, shows, UNI and ISU, football, writing, and things like that. He's an easy kid to talk to, which made work go a lot faster and made it super enjoyable too. Kayla called me right around 5:30 and asked if I wanted to go to the college ministry "Intermission" with her at Westchester E-free, so when I got off at 6 I met her there. There weren't a ton of people I knew that I thought would be there, so it was kind of disappointing, and it was just weird for me because I haven't been a regular church-attender lately. It makes me feel guilty and like I'm some kind of bad person or something. That's just how I feel. The message was amazing though, given by Dave Edwards. It was seriously an awesome talk, he had great energy and gave the message in a way that didn't make me mad or skeptical, which is how I've been lately with a lot of "God stuff"-- I'm just kind of going through a time where my faith isn't exactly as strong as it once was.... so I'm questioning a lot and I still believe everything, I'm just not at the top of my game, if that makes any sense. It's a hard time for me right now concerning God and hope and faith.

Anyway, I was glad I went. Bry, Kayla and I then met up with Foster, JR, Rob, Austin, and Logan. We rode around in Rob's pick-up truck, haha, and we actually sat in the truck bed the whole time... it was freaking awesome driving down Hickman to Dairy Queen with the wind blowing our hair back and JR and Foster yelling at every car we passed like crazy lunatics. hahahaha. We had so much fun. After Dairy Queen, we went to the park by Bry's house and hung out there. Kayla and I swung and got to talk about some stuffffff.... thennn Rob took us all back to our cars at Bry's house and we pretty much all went home because of early-morning jobs and what not. I mentioned it to Kayla, haha, that it's weird how we stayed out way later during the school year when we all had class and stuff the next day, but now that it's summer you'd think we'd stay out even later- but we've actually been going home and sleeping earlier, because we all have jobs and other stuff that we have to wake up early for. I dont know, it's just kind of weird to think about.

Anyway....... I open again tomorrow, soo I'm gonna go to bed. HOPEFULLY I can actually fall asleep. that'd be wonderful! oh and guess what? AUBREY comes home tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! :) and I work with Kayla, woooo!! sounds like a good day to me. And I'm gonna be away from home all day again. :)

<3