i guess, i remember every glance you shot me

sometimes when i listen to a certain song, i just go crazy. my blood pumps faster, my heart beats harder. it's as if something is twirling around inside of me and messing up all my nerves. it's like each note in the song actually hits me and sets me in motion- my thoughts, my feelings, everything. when i hear that familiar chord, or that anticipated key change in a certain song, it's like it pushes a button inside of my brain and all the sudden i feel chills moving all throughout my body, through my vessels, my muscles, my bones. Like pouring a glass of ice-cold water on the top of my head, and feeling it move down my body. It makes me twinge and cringe. i just feel so much from music sometimes. maybe it's because i listened to a song during a certain time in my life that evokes a lot of emotion when i remember it now. or maybe it's because the words in the song are the same words going through my own heart and mind at the moment. maybe the melody of the song reminds me of a scene in a movie that is during a particularly strong emotional part. maybe the chord progression makes me think of a memory where that same chord progression could have been the soundtrack to my life back then.

if it's not any of the possibilities i have just suggested, why do some songs, or some melodies of songs, or certain verses or choruses of songs cause me to think of a particular person? and when i think of that person, why does it seem like i'm all the sudden back to the time that i'm reminded of in connection to the song and to the person? will it ever go away? will there always be more songs that cause me to think of someone automatically, without even consciously doing it? why am i soothed by the fact that a certain song i listen to brings me back to another time entirely, and brings me back to a person just by mere memory? why do i put the song on repeat a million times? do i just need to get my fill, and then go another few years without hearing the song, then maybe play it randomly one day and fall back into that time once again with that person?

now for something completely different. -

i've thought for a while that i'm weak and vulnerable when it comes to certain... situations, with certain people. or, rather, a certain person and a certain situation- no plurality needed. and i was. or, i am. right? ...

it was hard enough for me to let go. it was hard enough for me to stop, to drop, to be so cautious. but i needed to be like that. i had to do it. because i WAS weak and unable to control my feelings. i hated time because it meant more letting go and less holding on. but then i found myself loving all the time that passed. because it helped. i was growing stronger. then, there were moments where i lost my strength. it was like taking one step forward and two steps back, over and over again it seemed. i've had so many people on my side, cheering me on in my separation from this situation. they've held me accountable and been there for me when i broke down. but something has changed inside of me.

it's like, all the sudden, i'm ready for something more. i'm ready to move on. i'm ready for the next challenge-- i thrive on challenges, i need them. i think the next challenge for me is to put myself out there... to throw myself into the middle of the situation and see what happens, see if i sink or swim. you wanna know why i feel this way all the sudden? no, it's not because i'm being stupid and i'm not "ready". it's because i need you to believe in me. i need to know that you think i can be stronger than this situation. sometimes i just need to hold onto the belief in myself that i won't break in two when i'm being tested or pressured... but i need you to believe it too. my confidence doesn't come from myself or the people around me, it comes from my Father in heaven. its not that i dont have confidence, but sometimes i just wish you could believe in me, and believe that i'm stronger than the situation that used to bring me down so much and so hard before. i dont know if i'm really "READY", i dont know if this is a good idea, i dont even know if i've put myself in danger here-- but i do know that everything happens for a reason. everything i go through makes me stronger than before. every test, every trial, every success and failure- they happen to teach me something, they happen because they're supposed to and i can live better because of them.

i know i may not make much sense. but the important thing is that i have this off my chest, because it's been killing me this week.

on the bottom of all of this, there is happiness. i am so happy right now. my heart is jumping for joy. and whether or not it's going to fall later on doesn't matter to me much right now, because if we live in fear we aren't really living. you cant let fear control your life. there are times that call for cautiousness, prudence, patience, and the like, but then there are times where all you can do is dive head first into the pool and hope for jello and not hot lava. (ive always wanted to jump into a pool of jello... that would be absolutely amazing). the point is, life is for living and dreaming and hoping, not for fearing. that's all.
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i dont have my 9:00 music listening class tomorrow!!!!! i dont have it tomorrow OR monday. YAY!!! so i only have my 10 oclock Sociology class. boo yah! hahah.

Steve leaves early-ish tomorrow to go back to Illinois for the weekend... :-(

and i'm heading home with Zach probably early afternoon for WDM.

sigh.
goodnight.