man now look at you, your heart is big enough for two

so I spent another night last night not being able to fall asleep for a good hour or so once I got in bed. I started thinking about all the people that I know, that I've met, the people in my "network" if you will. I went through as many people as I could, starting with the people I'm closest with and such, and thought about the one word or phrase I could associate with each person if I could only choose one word or phrase to describe them. Or, maybe not really to describe them, but it's like you think of that person and what word or phrase comes to mind right away. It's weird how everyone kind of has their role in the group, and it's different from everyone else's roles. And like, yeah there are a ton of similarities between people, I mean just because you associate one person with this word doesn't mean no one else fits that word either... it's just not the FIRST thing you think of when you think of that individual. so, I guess this is what I came up with:

myself- the laughter
Aubrey- the beauty
Natalie- the loyal one
Caely- the halfboy brain
Sam- the mom
Cort- the grandpa
Zach- the critical one
Austin- the heart
Erin- the smart one
Jamie- the artist
Mitch- the quiet one
Bryan- the brother
JR- the social one
Andy- the rebellious one
Lindsey- the style
Kayla- the listener
Adam- the realist
Jared- the cynical one
Matt- the poet
Tommy- the family guy
Tim- the thinker
James- the music critic
Foster- the frat boy
Curtis- the athlete
Alex B.- the singer
Luke- the gentle one
Ben B.- the rational one
Heidi- the independent one
Steve- the sarcasm
Brek- the shocker
Chris- the disgruntled one
Laina- the witty one
Catherine- the southern one
Josh- the storyteller


Well that's all I've got for now. weird.

grades are irritating

sometimes.... i hate grades. i hate that they make me feel so bad if they aren't the grade that i thought i should get, or the grade i hoped for. maybe i should stop "hoping" when it comes to grades. grades are grades, they're numbers and letters that tell what your testing performance is in a certain subject area. usually i'm all for grades, like, i would hate not having grades at all in school. but, i don't think school should be ALL about grades and what your GPA is, i don't think that at all. i think it's more about the learning and the experiencing that actually matters, to put it simply, but reality is you have to take exams and quizzes, and therefore you have to deal with grades. for me, grades make me want to do better in school because i have a competitive spirit that drives me to want to "outplay" my opponents (everyone else in the class). this makes school very appealing to me, and it's why i like school. but the main reason i like school is because of the experiences i get from it, and because i learn new things. my learning is hindered when i'm being taught something that i've already learned... even if it's in a new or different approach to it, i just get bored. my poli sci 215 class is a perfect example of that. i can't stand it, even though i freaking LOVE the subject- american government. it's so hard for me to make myself get up and go to that class, because i can basically teach the book to myself and get a better grade on the exam than i do trying to learn from the class and the professor teaching me the book and such. i have proof of that too. ugh, it's just irritating. anyway, the whole point of me writing right now is to rant about how i hate grades sometimes.

i hate getting on webCT and checking my grades for an exam i just took, just to come to find that i didn't do as well as i thought i did. then i go through the motions-- i think to myself, wait... but i really thought i understood the material, this grade does not reflect my actual performance in this subject.... i think, well i've never been a very "good" test-taker... i get all nervous and anxious and can't think very clearly. blah blah blah. same thing every time.

all in all, grades just suck sometimes. like, the fact that they exist. and the fact that i really do take them to heart sometimes.

the impossible is possible tonight

I don't know if my recent surge of thoughts has occurred because of circumstances surrounding my life lately, or not. Regardless of the answer to that, it has happened. Something inside of me has caused me to feel really strongly about the power and influence of having someone believe in you. Especially from the people within your "inner circle", or in sociology-talk, your "primary group." I've always been one to believe in self-sufficiency and one's personal responsibility, and how important it is to develop a strong sense of both of those as you grow up and take on more responsibilities. Dictionary.com's definition of 'self-sufficient' was, "having extreme confidence in one's own resources, power, etc." Personal responsibility is regarding your own responsibility to yourself... your initiative, your obligation, or duty that you have to yourself. So I have a strong sense of those things, a strong desire to be self-sufficient in my life and to be responsible for myself, for my actions, for my words, for everything that I do. Because, after all, I am an individual and I am 18, which means I am legally old enough to live on my own and be completely on my own. But I have had that desire influenced upon me, and you can also say I learned from seeing it around me... which goes along with a psychologist by the name of Bandura, whose Social Cognitive Theory was based upon the fact that we can learn everything from observation. Anyway, though I still find these two values to be extremely valuable and important, I've been thinking a lot about something else.

Lately, if I hear someone say, "oh you won't be able to do that, no way..." in response to someone who wants to try something new, I get really upset about it. Let's call the person saying "you won't be able to do that" Person A. Person B is the person that wants to try to do something, the thing that Person A doesn't think they'll be able to do. Person A and Person B are very, very close friends, practically brother and sister. So they have a very honest relationship, no doubt about that. Person A is a realist for the most part, and in this situation is definitely thinking realistically, rationally, and logically... because in all honesty, Person B's chances of achieving their goal are slim if you think about it logically and rationally. BUT.. by Person A responding like that, how does that affect Person B? Does it make them decide not to even try at all, because, after all, Person A does know them very well and is just being honest with them when he said he doesn't think she'll be able to do the thing she wants to try. Does it make Person A feel good, though? Does it build Person A up, or down? Knowing that someone extremely close to you doesn't believe you can do something difficult and maybe near impossible (but not impossible alltogether), doesn't really affect you positively, does it? Especially if Person B is not a person of great self-esteem, that's important. Or, is Person A just saving Person B from failure? But don't people learn from failure? Isn't failure necessary to succeed later on, sometimes? Does not determination come from failure, sometimes? The point is that success CAN happen from a past failure. But if you don't even try, and you don't experience that failure, does that mean the success from reaching a desired goal was cut off before it even began?

I just think that believing in someone who is within your close group of relationships in your life is more important sometimes than shooting them down without giving them a chance to see what happens. Go ahead and be bluntly honest and upfront about the situation at hand, please, but maybe the best thing isn't looking at the huge chance of Person B failing, but looking at the fact that there's a chance they won't.

I choose to believe in people, and believe in their potential.

just stuff that's been on my mind lately.

I end this blog with lyrics from The Smashing Pumpkins:

"We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight.
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as i believe in you..."
<3

Who am I according to Professor Dan, the Sociologist?

ok, so in my Sociology class today, we talked about social control in everyday life and things surrounding that topic. My prof had us write down 20 things really quickly, literally he gave us like a minute to write them down, answering the prompt, "Who Am I?" Just words or phrases that came to our minds in that short amount of time... I only got about 14 done when he told us to stop and we discussed our answers. This is what I ended up writing, and in this order:
1. Lover of God
2. follower of Christ
3. friend
4. daughter
5. sister
6. student
7. artist
8. athlete
9. sinner
10. enthusiastic
11. funny
12. disease-stricken
13. competitive
14. prideful

According to my prof, this is a common test that sociologists use, and the results show us the difference between traditional society and modern society (or, postmodern some say) that we live in today. The number one thing we wrote down is what is called our "Master Status." In modern society, it is common for women to have something associated with their family role as their master status, and for men it was common to have something associated with their job or school role as their master status. Whereas, in traditional society, it was simply the family clan for both genders as their master status. Out of the 20 (or so) things we wrote down, we were supposed to categorize them in these four ways-- Roles (daughter, friend), Biological (disease-stricken), Psychological (enthusiastic, funny), and something he called Oceanic (which I don't have any of). I thought this was an interesting little test thing.

Anyway, my prof went on to finish talking about social control in everyday life... and he brought up this slide he had titled, "The Modern 'Divided Self'," and went on to explain that in modernity, there is no way one person can be a completely "good student" and at the same time be a "good religious/moral person." We have so many different social roles that we play, that it pulls us apart. Modern society creates its own set of moral rules, and they're so distinct that you cannot live in modernity with traditional moral rules. That was the claim he made (he always makes a claim that is the main concept of that day's lesson). Moving on to other slides, he showed us a slide on William Isaac Thomas, who wrote a book with his wife that took a whole new view on morality in traditional vs. modern societies. The two things that came from the book were- 1.) things defined as real are real in their consequences, and 2.) it was the first systematic thorough theory of the "social construction of reality". So, basically, something isn't real unless you think it is? You construct your own reality, your own truth? You make true something, it isn't just true? Why does it seem like we just throw around the word "truth" like it's of the same value of saying a word like "cool"?? Why does it make me mad?

I'll probably come back to this post and add more... or just make another one tonight. Probably. I'd like to.

But now I have to go walk to Lebaron Hall and take my first Soc. 134 exam, and get an A on it. Then I have to come back and study for my third test this week, which is tomorrow morning. As well as... do my homework for both of my classes tomorrow. Sweet action..
:-(

yeah, you know that I adore you

I have not been productive, motivated, or responsible this week. Today was probably a low point. But, I can honestly say it's going uphill from here... and I could not have gotten to this realization without the help from my friends I got today. I don't know what I would've done without them. So this is basically in dedication to the ones who got me through today so that I can start being motivated, productive, and responsible...

Zach, you talked to me on the phone for a half an hour this afternoon, and mostly you just listened to me vent and explain and release. That took a lot of patience and a lot of kindness. I was being impossible and negative, but you stayed on the phone long enough for me to come to the decision that I did. You pushed me to get outside and take a run, even if it was just for 15 minutes, and that changed my entire outlook. You didn't really even push me, you just were there for me and that made me want to push myself. I can't really explain it. You didn't give me any magic words, any profound advice, but you gave me support I guess. And that was enough. It made me want to DO something... which has been an amazing struggle for me for weeks. It made me want to do something that I liked, that would make me happy, something that was good for my body.

So after I jogged, I went to dinner with Kayla, Zach, JR, and Mike. After dinner, I checked my friend Andrew's english paper while I sat in Steve's room, and watched the movie Behind Enemy Lines while he rested. Andrew even gave me a mountain dew for checking his paper. Then Steve and I played Guitar Hero II for a while. At 10, I walked over to Birch for Snack Time. AKA.......FAT TIME!!! haha. Snack Time consisted of Kayla, Josh, Josh's roommate Steve, JR, Mike, Zach, Zach and Mike's friend Liz, and myself hanging out in Zach & Mike's room and eating lots and lots of food... triscuits, oreos, brownies that JR's grandma made, and LOTS of chocolate. For two and a half hours, I was with my friends, and those two and a half hours were enough to change something inside of me. When I wake up tomorrow, things are going to be different. For the better. I promise.

I end this with lyrics from one of my favorite bands in the whole world....The Rocket Summer!

Cause I'm doing everything for you
Cause I love to be near you
Something just takes me away to a place where I'm happy
Cause I'm doing everything for you
Yeah you know that I adore you
And I just can't take it anymore.
--"I'm Doing Everything (For You)"

Man, I just saw something. I'm glad that you are here.
I got to start to thinking, and seeing things so clear.
'Cus now how could i forget what she left?
What happened in November is what i needed.
And i'm sorry that it shows, but life ain't so bad you know?

And now the sky is such a sweet blue,
and you made this come true,
and my heart feels so new.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)
It's now wonderful to see beautiful views
like skies that are so blue.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)

I'll never leave this you know.

I'd turn it off for this.
It looks like we got what we wished.
It snowed in Texas but you missed (first time since '86)
and i can't stop thinking how wonderful this is.
And i'm sorry i sound glad, but why always be so sad?

And now the sky is such a sweet blue,
and you made this come true,
and my heart feels so new.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)
It's now wonderful to see beautiful views
like skies that are so blue.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)

And i know that sometimes oh i might feel alone, so broke, and cold.
But now i'll show that i know
that the sky is such a sweet blue,
and you made this come true,
and my heart feels so new.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)
It's now wonderful to see beautiful views
like skies that are so blue.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)

I'll never leave this you know.
 --"Skies So Blue"

I know we never get things right, and it gets so old just saying we'll keep trying...

Well, it was a pretty eventful weekend. As my mom called it, "well that's life." Let downs, unexpected changes, personal failures, friendly conversations, instability, stupid girl moods & emotions, patient & supporting friends, chances and decisions... they all made their way into my weekend somehow, and more.

I found out several things about myself. Like, it is possible for me to be mean to Zach and really upset him. Didn't know that prior to this weekend. Zach is always the one upsetting me and having to set things right- until this weekend. I also found out that large doses of responsibility and heavy decision-making generally do not sit well with me at all... mixed with my lack of motivation, easily-overwhelmed current state of mind, and tendency to procrastinate at everything, it's a recipe for failure and disappointment. I have known for many years now the extent to which I put pressure on myself, enough to make anyone break and buckle with the weight pressing in on them at all sides. That was nothing new, but, still significant. Last Friday I was the epitomy of the unstable, stupid girl who can't control her emotions. Then, upon waking Saturday morning, it was as if someone should have been singing "she can see clearly now, the rain is gone," because all the sudden everything that was a mess the day before, was clear as day in my mind. I was thinking rationally and logically, with a confident sense of clarity. Sometimes I wish I could do that everyday- but life wouldn't be nearly as exciting without all the ups and downs, would it? And how would we ever grow?

Anyway, i don't feel good today. don't know why. i'm just nauseous and stuff. i don't like it.

i need to get better in the next 5 hours, because I have the Matt Wertz show at the M-shop to go to tonight.

I bought a bunch of movies to add to my dvd collection this weekend with a Best Buy gift card from Christmas:
1. Crash (amazing)
2. William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet (the modern version... it's sweet)
3. X-Men 3: The Last Stand (YEAH BABY!!!)
4. Just Friends (i love ryan reynolds)
5. Fight Club (classic)
6. The Notebook (what can i say... i love the love stories)
7. Big Fish (aww i just love it..)
8. She's The Man (ahahaha)

I also bought 2 books from Barnes & Noble with yet another gift card from Christmas:
1. A Year with C.S. Lewis- Daily Readings from His Classic Works (dahhh!! so good)
2. Sifting Through The Madness For The Word, The Line, The Way-- New Poems by Charles Bukowski. (thanks Lindsey!)

the end.

knock me out and let me go back to sleep...

this has quickly just turned into one of the crappiest days i've had in the past 6 months- easy.

but everyone else will be ecstatic to know i will not be going on a cruise now.

i guess, i remember every glance you shot me

sometimes when i listen to a certain song, i just go crazy. my blood pumps faster, my heart beats harder. it's as if something is twirling around inside of me and messing up all my nerves. it's like each note in the song actually hits me and sets me in motion- my thoughts, my feelings, everything. when i hear that familiar chord, or that anticipated key change in a certain song, it's like it pushes a button inside of my brain and all the sudden i feel chills moving all throughout my body, through my vessels, my muscles, my bones. Like pouring a glass of ice-cold water on the top of my head, and feeling it move down my body. It makes me twinge and cringe. i just feel so much from music sometimes. maybe it's because i listened to a song during a certain time in my life that evokes a lot of emotion when i remember it now. or maybe it's because the words in the song are the same words going through my own heart and mind at the moment. maybe the melody of the song reminds me of a scene in a movie that is during a particularly strong emotional part. maybe the chord progression makes me think of a memory where that same chord progression could have been the soundtrack to my life back then.

if it's not any of the possibilities i have just suggested, why do some songs, or some melodies of songs, or certain verses or choruses of songs cause me to think of a particular person? and when i think of that person, why does it seem like i'm all the sudden back to the time that i'm reminded of in connection to the song and to the person? will it ever go away? will there always be more songs that cause me to think of someone automatically, without even consciously doing it? why am i soothed by the fact that a certain song i listen to brings me back to another time entirely, and brings me back to a person just by mere memory? why do i put the song on repeat a million times? do i just need to get my fill, and then go another few years without hearing the song, then maybe play it randomly one day and fall back into that time once again with that person?

now for something completely different. -

i've thought for a while that i'm weak and vulnerable when it comes to certain... situations, with certain people. or, rather, a certain person and a certain situation- no plurality needed. and i was. or, i am. right? ...

it was hard enough for me to let go. it was hard enough for me to stop, to drop, to be so cautious. but i needed to be like that. i had to do it. because i WAS weak and unable to control my feelings. i hated time because it meant more letting go and less holding on. but then i found myself loving all the time that passed. because it helped. i was growing stronger. then, there were moments where i lost my strength. it was like taking one step forward and two steps back, over and over again it seemed. i've had so many people on my side, cheering me on in my separation from this situation. they've held me accountable and been there for me when i broke down. but something has changed inside of me.

it's like, all the sudden, i'm ready for something more. i'm ready to move on. i'm ready for the next challenge-- i thrive on challenges, i need them. i think the next challenge for me is to put myself out there... to throw myself into the middle of the situation and see what happens, see if i sink or swim. you wanna know why i feel this way all the sudden? no, it's not because i'm being stupid and i'm not "ready". it's because i need you to believe in me. i need to know that you think i can be stronger than this situation. sometimes i just need to hold onto the belief in myself that i won't break in two when i'm being tested or pressured... but i need you to believe it too. my confidence doesn't come from myself or the people around me, it comes from my Father in heaven. its not that i dont have confidence, but sometimes i just wish you could believe in me, and believe that i'm stronger than the situation that used to bring me down so much and so hard before. i dont know if i'm really "READY", i dont know if this is a good idea, i dont even know if i've put myself in danger here-- but i do know that everything happens for a reason. everything i go through makes me stronger than before. every test, every trial, every success and failure- they happen to teach me something, they happen because they're supposed to and i can live better because of them.

i know i may not make much sense. but the important thing is that i have this off my chest, because it's been killing me this week.

on the bottom of all of this, there is happiness. i am so happy right now. my heart is jumping for joy. and whether or not it's going to fall later on doesn't matter to me much right now, because if we live in fear we aren't really living. you cant let fear control your life. there are times that call for cautiousness, prudence, patience, and the like, but then there are times where all you can do is dive head first into the pool and hope for jello and not hot lava. (ive always wanted to jump into a pool of jello... that would be absolutely amazing). the point is, life is for living and dreaming and hoping, not for fearing. that's all.
---

i dont have my 9:00 music listening class tomorrow!!!!! i dont have it tomorrow OR monday. YAY!!! so i only have my 10 oclock Sociology class. boo yah! hahah.

Steve leaves early-ish tomorrow to go back to Illinois for the weekend... :-(

and i'm heading home with Zach probably early afternoon for WDM.

sigh.
goodnight.

THE BEST NEWS EVER...

Today has turned out to be one of the best days of my life!

But before I get to the super good part... let me share with you some highlights of my day thus far. In my Developmental Psych class, the lecture was on childbirth. It was actually very interesting, and fun to hear my professor tell us the story of his wife giving birth to their son. But then... we had to watch a video. Oh yes. A video. And this video was a video of the stages of childbirth, to go along with what we talked about in class of course. To go a little further though, we actually saw a baby come out of this woman, Sally. It was grotesque. Now, on the one hand, when they had the baby actually cleaned up and looking cute and everything- after the whole giving birth thing- I got a warm fuzzy feeling inside of me, and thought about how amazing it will be to give birth to a real human being and see the creation of a new life come into this world. I was amazed at all the little movements of the baby and the little things it would do that just made me melt, because I could see God's handiwork right there in that little baby that just came out of a freaking person! geez! Ok... so, yeah, on the OTHER hand... when they showed the part of the baby actually coming out... my friend Kate and I almost puked a little I think. It was disgusting. I'm being completely mature when I say this by the way. It was absolutely gross. We saw EVERYTHING. And that means.... the placenta. Oh yeah. We saw the "birth of the placenta." It looked like a disgusting, slimy, octopus or squid of some sort. SICK!!!!!! yuck yuck yuck.
Basically... after class, Kate and I were in a solemn state of complete disgustedness. I couldnt help it. Like, thank goodness for no premarital sex and morals, because I just could NOT pop a baby out right now. I'm so glad I'm not going to have to deal with that until I'm older. Seriously... I'm SUPER glad that God decided we should be married first. Because, lets be honest, I'm not gonna be getting married for a while, and when I do (if I do) get married, I'll be ready for a baby and all the gross, disgusting, sick, nasty stuff that comes with giving birth. Until then... I'm going to enjoy my virginity and the fact that I dont have a freaking placenta squid inside of my womb right now.
---

Ok, now that I got that part of my day out of the way......... I'm going to explain why this is the best day of my life! ha.

I AM GOING ON A CRUISE FOR SPRING BREAK WITH ADAM AND HIS FAMILY.

nobody needs to worry about anything... you know what I mean by that.

I am SOOOOOOOOOO excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's actually the week before Iowa State's actual Spring Break... so I will miss a week a classes, but it's ok, I've checked my syllabi's and I'm going to be working super hard to prepare for missing that week. It's from March 4th to the 10th, and we're cruising the Eastern Caribbean... somewhere I have not been for many years now, and cant wait to go back to! I called my mom today and presented the opportunity to her the best I could, she talked it over with my dad, and they've decided it's ok for me to go, as long as I work really hard at school and get a job. I just have to work really, really hard and I can go and have this amazing, wonderful, beautiful, relaxing vacation with the Rhyne Family in my most FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, aka PARADISE. I cant believe this is actually going to happen. I'm so, so, so blown away. But this is an opportunity I will not pass up just because it won't be easy.

:-)
CANT stop smiling!

granny pants

So according to my friends, I am a grandma. I am G-ma Emily. They have decided this for a few reasons, some of which are that I say words like 'whipper snappers' and 'hooligans', I love soup and tea, and I guess my behavior in general sometimes.

Oh, and Lindsey has decided that I am...
a baby-eating, dog-knapping, kitty-sedating freak.. pretty much. hahahahahha.

I had so much fun at the show last night!

Pin Your Wings Down

Last night turned out to be really good! For a couple reasons...

Zach and I met at the MU around 7:45 and had a really good 2-hour chat! It made me feel super good afterwards, just having such a good talk and stuff. yayy Zach.

Steve called me at 10:30 and asked me if I wanted to go to Walmart with him... heck yes! So we drove Froby to the rec center, took Steve's friend Alex to Buchanan, and then headed to Walmart so Steve could buy Guitar Hero 2......hahahahha. We played one song at Walmart before he bought it, and basically... it only took one song, and I was completely addicted. Seriously. It's the coolest game in the world. I'm hooked. The ride to Walmart and the ride back were super enjoyable. He is sooooo cute. We were just laughing the whole time cause I don't know, I was being really goofy and so was he. I love when we're both in our goofy moods, haha. Anyway....we definitely wasted the rest of the night away playing Guitar Hero in his room with Renee, Erika, and Brek. What a good time. :-)

p.s. I am LOVING Copeland right now. I can't stop listening to 'em. It's just the perfect music for my mood lately. Looooove it!

Tonight I am (well hopefully, if I can get ahold of Zach here soon), going to Kayla & Blake Lewis' house for a show. My ATA boys are playing of course, and then 3 other apparantly pretty good bands. I was gonna go, then I thought I wasn't gonna go, but now I think I really want to go. I'll just do laundry tomorrow I suppose! (i seriously dont have ANY clean clothes....) haha.

Jeremiah was a good snowman.

Oh goodness. So, I've been pretty sick all week. Ugh. But... guess what? I woke up today, and I'm not sick anymore! My throat barely hurts at all. It's so nice... considering yesterday I basically wanted to cry every time I swallowed. I felt like I was dying! Now, I feel pretty darn great. I'm sooooo happy. I think that's the fastest I have ever gotten over a cold... ever. :-)

Yesterday (Thursday)--
I had dinner with Erin and Jamie. I ran into Steve on our way out of the udcc, and then Erin & Jamie proceeded to slap me with newspapers and basically molest me for like five minutes. They were upset because I had not let them in on a secret, haha. but whatever. It was pretty hilarious running around the udcc getting slapped with newspapers by Erin and Jamie... but you probably had to be there to really appreciate the humor. They left to go to the 7:00 Salt, and I headed back to my room. A little later, Steve came up and educated me on who Steve Nash is and then we went down to Livingston and hung out with Brek and the other guys. Bryce played Steve's sega genesis (the best game ever-- the lion king!), and then Steve and I ran into Renee- so the three of us walked over to the MU for 9:00 Salt. The first person I saw as I walked into the main entrance.... was Austin Herman!!!!!!!!! I ran over to him and gave him a gigantic hug. I hadn't seen him in quite some time. He told me he decided to come to Ames for the evening and go to Salt so he could see everyone, because he leaves for BETHEL this Sunday... :-( aww, Austin. Oh how you will be missed. Then, we finally met up with the rest of the crew- Kayla, Mitch, Zach, Josh, and Mike! So we all sat together at Salt and it was a really good time :-).

When Steve and I walked back to Helser, we hung out the rest of the night in his room. I watched him play some more lion king on sega, which is very exhilirating let me tell you (no sarcasm, i seriously love it). Then we chilled on the futon and watched CONAN. i definitely love the Conan O'Brien show... it is so funny. Steve likes it too. we laughed a lot. i love laughing. We popped some popcorn because I had the munchies, haha, and I ate the entire bag pretty much. We almost watched the movie Clerks 2, but it was getting kind of late so we decided against it. Brek came back so the three of us watched some more tv together and that was basically it.

Today (Friday)--
Steve came by my room and wanted to play in the snow, so we went outside between Helser & Eaton/Martin and played in the snow for a little bit. haha. it was really fun. I love the snow, and it was the BEST kind of snow because you could pack it super well! Steve was dominating me on the target hitting at the beginning... but I got him back with some really good snowball hits in the end. He started rolling a snowman, haha, and constructed the whole thing all by himself. I helped sculpt him a little. We gave him arms, eyes, and a mouth, but didnt have a carrot for the nose.... kind of sad. but oh well. he was an amazing snowman. We named him Jeremiah. Brek called, and then was yelling at us from Steve's room, and before you know it.... Brek and Chris were sprinting towards Jeremiah and.........yep, they demolished him. hahaha. Goodbye, Jeremiah :-(. He was a good snowman while it lasted! I was a little upset that they destroyed Jeremiah... so I hit Brek with a snowball, and he didnt like that so he pushed me into a big snow drift. hehe. I kind of knew that was coming. Anyway, then we all headed back in because Steve and Brek were gonna go run. So I came back to my room and decided to get a yummy smoothie-- number 19 babyyyy orange shooter! it's the best. I love all the vitamin C! ive been getting lots this week to help with my cold.

I showered and stuff... and ive basically just been hanging out the rest of the afternoon. I'm gonna have dinner with Kayla, Mitch, Mike, Zach and JR pretty soon here... then later tonight I'm watching a movie with Steve! YAY!! then TOMORROW... AUBREY is coming uppppp and i'm soooo excited the whole crew is gonna party all niiiiight. :-) i love my friends.

and i'm so glad i don't feel super sick anymore. yay! :-)

not ready to sleep yet.

Hot Tamales

Starfox

Slippers

Snow

Hot Tea

Typing

Scarfs

Blankets

my Psych book

picture of me and Cort from Valentines Dance '06

Texting

Ice Cream with Sprinkles

my Bible

Being alone

Reflecting

Card tricks

Cereal (code name)

Lindsey's Blog

Taste Buds

Water

This is a list of things I like right now. Neat, huh? :-)

Welcome to my Velvet Elvis

Lately my mind has been stirred up a lot. Just things that have happened around me, they've been messing with my head. I feel very stretched and strained inside, because I have so many things pulling my interest all at the same time. That's hard for me. I would rather focus on one thing and analyze every side of it, pick apart every little detail until I've exhausted it. Instead, I find myself thinking about one thing, then 5 minutes later I think about this other thing, and then I'm jumping to something else and thinking about that, then.... yeah, it just keeps going, and I can't fully think ONE thing over. I'm all jumbled up!

First off, I've been thinking about psychology vs. sociology, and why I am drawn more to psychology and find myself agreeing with psychologist's views more than sociologist's views. I am in a Developmental Psych class, and it's fascinating. I am also in an Intro to Sociology class, and my professor is fascinating. Here are some things from my Sociology class that have really stirred me up lately. Ok. My prof was saying that many of us have been raised and taught to believe that what was true 2,000 years ago is still true today. Then he went on to say that Sociology is a different way of thinking about that, because Sociologists believe that truth is dependent on social circumstances. If truth is dependent on anything, doesn't that mean you're saying that one truth to someone doesn't necessarily mean truth to another? So, basically, there is no absolute truth? Whether that's what he meant or not, I'm finding more and more that people my age are buying into the same theory where there is no real truth, because what's true for you may not be true for someone else- and that's ok, because, the only thing that matters is if it's true for you. Like, I seriously hear it all the time it seems... with anything, someone will throw in-- "that's fine if it's what you believe is right, but i dont think thats right for me." so like, if youre talking about, say, having sex before you're married... the statement is: "having sex before you're married is ok as long as its with someone you really love." and a relativist would say, "that's not right for me, but if it's right for you go ahead and do it." because everything's relative. i dont buy it. i dont know, that just really bothered me thinking about it... because it's so flawed. so if youre talking to someone who thinks that way, and you see their wallet sitting on the table, just take their wallet and start walking off. theyre gonna say something to you immediately like hey give me back my wallet. all you have to say is, well... taking this wallet is right for me. because, see, i get your money and everything thats in it and that will definitely help me out and make my life better. i mean, it may not be right for you... but hey its right for me, its good for me, so, tough luck. and so this person who was just using the same logic of relativism for something else, is obviously going to threaten to get the police involved.. he's not just gonna let you walk off with his wallet. but... he JUST said, "hey that's not right for me, but if its ok for you... then thats fine." but the minute someone else uses the same logic for THEIR own benefit and not yours, of course you go to a higher authority like the police. right?--of course you cant really do that. but its just an example of how relativism is completely bogus. because.. you can literally use it for like anything, and it just doesnt work like that.

i dont know, it kind of makes my head spin when i try to grasp the concept. i dont know, ive just been thinking about it.

I've been reading the book Velvet Elvis, by Rob Bell, the guy who did the Nooma videos I watched in high school youth group so many wonderful times. hehe. I really do like Rob Bell. I like what he has to say about Christianity. It's not like everything he has to say in the book is amazing and profound and just what I need to hear, or anything like that at all. but, it's just enjoyable and interesting to read someone else's views about the Christian faith because it gets me thinking. It gets me questioning. It stirs me to dig a little deeper into my own beliefs and connect with God on another level. It helps me grow. I like this one excerpt about some of the common faith discussions people have these days...

'Think about some of the words that are used in these kinds of discussions, one of the most common being the phrase "open-minded". Often the person with spirtual convictions is seen as close-minded and others are seen as open-minded. What is fascinating to me is that at the center of the Christian faith is the assumption that this life isn't all there is. THat there is more to life than the material. That existence is not limited to what we can see, touch, measure, taste, hear, and observe. One of the central assertions of the Christian world-view is that there is "more". Those who oppose this insist that this is all there is, that only what we can measure and observe and see with our eyes is real. There is nothing else. Which perspective is more "close-minded"? Which perspective is more "open"?'

Then another excerpt I liked:

'Jesus at one point claimed to be "the way, the truth, and the life". Jesus was not making claims about one religion being better than all other religions. That completely misses the point, the depth, and the truth. Rather, he was telling those who were following him that his way is the way to the depth of reality. This kind of life Jesus was living, perfectly and completely in connection and cooperation with God, is the best possible way for a person to live. It is how things are.

Jesus exposes us to reality at its rawest.

So the way of Jesus is not about religion; it's about reality.

It's about lining yourself up with how things are.

Perhaps a better question than who's right, is who's living rightly?'

Those two parts really got me thinking.
Unfortunately, I have to end this blog and do "important" things like... study for my poli. sci. exam tomorrow, and shower. and sleep. yeah, sleep. <3

Brad Pitt, you've got me hooked.

I love a good weekend with familiar faces. and new faces. all kinds of faces, really.

Friday night I had a movie date with Steve. The movie Snatch, with Brad Pitt and a bunch of other sweet actors, was a VERY good movie. Watching that movie and loving it so much continues to confirm my theory that I pretty much end up loving every movie I see that Brad Pitt stars in..... mostly because he is an amazing actor in my opinion, and a liiiiittle bit because he is smokin' HOT!

Saturday I arrived back home in West Des Moines around 3:30 pm, and scarfed down some McDonalds before heading downtown to the House of Bricks to see my ATA boys play a show. They were fantastic- duh. The band before Killpact was freaking amazing... I can't remember the name of the band... but Killpact, some metal band... mehhh... I guess I'm not much of a metal fan. yeah. actually I know I'm not. hehe. It was a good time though. Lindsey and I sat at the merch table and talked the whole time as the other bands played. After doing so, I decided I need and want to buy a Bukowski poetry book ASAP, and I also decided that I love Lindsey. But... that's really nothing new because I've always loved her. I think I just love her more maybe? haha, or maybe that's not even possible. Anyway- she's just great!!!!! :-)
Later that night after we were kicked out of HOB for being under 21... it had started to snow, so I was really happy. I love snow. Love love love it! The boys plus Kayla and Linds went to Luke's to unload and stuff, but I took a detour and visited Aubs at Starbucks. Right when I walked in the mall doors, I ran into Blake (Blewis, Kayla's bro) and Scotty. Blake gave me an amazing hug! I loooove amazing hugs! Yay. So I talked a little to Aubs and got my delicious white chocolate mocha... duh, what else would I get. Then I headed back to my house and most of the crew came over (Kay, Linds, Bry, Mitch, Zach, Sam, Emily C., James, Aubs). Kayla, Lindsey, Zach, Mitch, Bryan and I hottubbed (who cares that it was still snowing out?), which felt amazing! but.... I got really sick. Then, after about 20 minutes of pure nauseousness and almost throwing up the only meal I had eaten all day... I had a very awkward encounter with my dad, involving Zach and I going upstairs to get some food. Not gonna rehash that- it would probably just get me into a really bad mood. Because, after the encounter, I was in a crappy mood. My dad had been a jerk all night to me and my friends... so I wasn't very happy. But, my friends, being the amazing, wonderful human beings that they are, made me feel good again. Their words and hugs mean the world to me. I just love them. Plain and simple. They really are the best people in the whole world. I would know... because... I've met every single person in the universe. yup. it's true. hehe.

Aubrey and Kayla spent the niiiiiight! We watched Night at the Roxbury and laughed our heads off... had some good talks... then went to bed around 2. All the while, beautiful snow flakes fell to the earth and I couldn't wait to wake up the next morning and see a fresh blanket of snow and bigger snow drifts on curbs. Today, I picked up Aubrey for lunch at Panera, and Caely and Natalie met us there. It was sooo good to get to see Nat and Cae finally. I was beginning to think I wouldn't get to see them, which would be very sad indeed, because I do not think I will be coming home to wdm probably for a couple weeks or so. Yay! So lunch was wonderful. We ran into a bunch of people we knew. Then, Cae and Nat left, and Zach, Aubs and I saw the movie Night At the Museum! Two things to say about that... 1- THE AWESOME THREESOME BACK TOGETHER AGAIN! YEAHHH!! 2- such a great movie! it was hilarious and actually GOOD! yayyy!

Zach and I drove back to Ames around 5, and so here I am. I don't have any homework due to preoccupy myself with until Tuesday... so... I'm a little bored. Hence, the blog. Well, and it was a good weekend I wanted to write about. so yeah. I wanted to see Steve at some point, but he's pretty busy tonight so I don't think I'll be able to do that. sad! I like him :-)

Two things I am pretty excited about that are coming up in the life of Emily...
1- MATT WERTZ is coming to the M-shop here in Ames. FREAKIn' yeah!
2- my Theology of the Bible class, through Cornerstone Church here in Ames, starts the first week of February on Mondays... Erin, Jamie and I are all going to take it, and i am pretty pumped about it. I've always wanted to learn more about theological stuff and what not, so here's my chance.

I think I'm going to just do some homework anyway... and go to bed early... because I feel like I'm getting sick. I had a fever, but I took something for it, so that helped a little.. I still feel crappy though, and crappier with every passing minute! dah!! i dont need to be sick this week.. i need to be healthy so i can go to class and not be a bum. haha. ok, whatever we'll see what happens I guess. <3

it's snowing...

I have to get these thoughts written down immediately or i might lose them! I JUST arrived home in good ol' Helser, and lots and lots of things happened. So now I am going to retell exactly what I saw...

As I began my walk back home from my friends' dorm on the other side of campus, I wasn't exactly eager to freeze my butt off from the winter air around me. Instead, something fell over me, calming me and warming me. I realized, it was snow. Snow was falling all around me, it was falling and landing on my face and my hair, my coat and my jeans. It was faintly crunching beneath my shoes with each step I took. I started ascending the small hill before I reached my halfway point, between their dorm and mine, and my head was filled with thoughts of the weather surrounding me. I had already passed two strangers at this point, one a man and another a woman. They neither smiled nor made any notice at me or the phenomenon floating down to the ground before us. It bothered me. Passing my halfway point, I thought about the cliches that are often connected with snow. Like, snow is the ultimate symbol of purity in the world. It falls from the sky, the purest white you've ever seen, and covers the land with a blanket of white. I've heard that all my life, or thought it myself many times over the years. Another cliche might be that snow is the symbol for new beginnings. Snow is the visual proof that the season has changed once again. With that change, a new season is here to stay for a while. Fall is no longer and Spring is the future. With a snow fall, the land is covered and everything under that fresh layer of snow can no longer be seen. So start fresh. You have a clean plate, a clean plate of snow that you can now start filling again with new mistakes, new experiences, new relationships, whatever you want. New beginnings come from the snowfall, perhaps the snow is forgiveness in tangible form. I thought about how I had heard those metaphorical statements before, and then formed something new. New to myself, at least. I can't recall ever thinking this before: sure, the snow could symbolize purity, change, new beginnings, hope, forgiveness... but you know what I think it symbolizes the most? Picture someone who means the world to you. This person pretty much IS the world to you. But then, this person starts to live their life without you, without caring about you, without wanting to know you all the sudden- they live on their own, away from you. They do all things that all people around us do now- build, walk, destroy, eat, drink, grow, speak, etc. Before you know it, this person who used to be this wonderful, beautiful, pure person... is messy, and dirty, and full of unclean things. But something inside of you stops you from hating this person, instead, you have a neverending amount of love for them. No matter how much they hurt you by separating themselves from you, no matter how much they spited you for dirtying up something meant to be clean and so pure-- you just love them more than anything. What happens next? You show them your love, by sending something pure and beautiful down to them, to cover all their uncleanliness with your love, and give them new chances, time and time again, to live pure and clean like they were meant to live. Snow is like love. That's what I decided on my walk tonight, and nobody can tell me any different, i'm sticking with love. And i know someone somewhere is going to think how cliche that is, and how unoriginal I am. but I think snow is like love.

I had about 6 or 7 minutes to go til I arrived home to my dorm. My steps had led me past two more people, who behaved exactly the same as the last two people I had encountered walking up the hill. And right after I thought how sad it was that no one walking by me seemed to be enjoying the snow flakes floating around us as much as me... another person was walking in the opposite direction of me. And as we passed, she made eye contact with me and spoke as if she was bursting to tell me, "isn't it pretty...?!" and gave me this huge smile, to match my own! oh wow! I was smiling and responded, "oh I know! I love it!!" ...and we both continued on our ways. Not a second later, the path split into two paths ahead of me, and I saw to the left path a man and a woman, kissing under brown trees with white tips. I thought for a moment I had wandered into a dream world, where couples embraced and kissed as snow fell gently all around them and wrapped them up in bliss-- then, I realized it was real, it was happening right there... and so I kept walking. I crossed the street and I was still taking in what had just occurred. First the girl who shared my joy, and second the kissing couple in dream world. It was then I noticed something. My body temperature had dropped tremendously since I first walked into the cold, frosty air. But it was weird, really weird... because I didn't feel cold at all. I knew I was, but I couldn't really tell. I wasn't numb. I could feel everything else, so I know it wasn't numbness. No. I had snow flakes all over me. The direction I was walking in at that time made it so the snow was floating right at my face, into my eyes. I could feel every soft, cold flake hit my face, but I wasn't feeling cold at all. My body wasn't cold, because my heart was warm. My soul was warm. There's no other explanation. I was very close to my destination at this point in my walk. But it wasn't over yet. I looked up towards the black sky, and saw every white flake falling with grace to the ground. Slowly, very slowly. It almost seemed as if time could have been stopped, and each flake would have just stayed in mid-air... it was falling with that much grace.

It occurred to me then, that snow was unique. Every kind of substance, or kind of weather (at least that I can think of right now) that comes from the sky and the clouds above us... makes noise as it floats and falls. You can hear wind. You can hear it blowing past your ears, and blowing leaves around the concrete. You can hear rain when it hits the ground, when it hits your roof, your car. You can hear it splash into puddles in the parking lot, into rain gutters around your house. You can obviously hear hail. Clearly, thunder and lightning make quite a racket as well. But... what about snow? Nope. Snow is silent. The action of snow falling to the ground is completely quiet. That's why it's so peaceful, and so calming to me. It's unique that way, isn't it? The way it doesn't create any noise as it falls to the earth, but it just falls. I love that.

I was about to place my hand on the door to my dorm and open it, but... I turned back. I stood there. I wasn't cold. So I just stood there a while, and looked out at the world around me. Not wanting to leave the beauty of snow and its comfort, I walked some more. I walked around my dorm and closed my eyes a few times as the snow hit my face. I felt the soft little crystals chill my face and never wanted it to stop for some reason. I was back to the door, once again, and I couldn't bring myself to opening it. I wasn't done yet. So I walked up some steps to the building I spend so many of my mealtimes at, and I leaned against the railing and watched the snow falling to the ground around campus. A few minutes later, I returned to the door, opened it, and climbed four flights to my domain. I left the winter wonderland outside, in hope that when I return to it in the morning, the land will still be covered in beautiful snow... new, fresh snow. I rapidly unlocked the door to my room, pulled off my damp coat and shoes, and sat down here so that I could write everything that just happened and every detail I could remember from my walk home. So that is what I just did.

Sorry for any mechanical errors you may have found. I'll come back later and check over my grammar and what not- of course. But you must not get angry, because it is 3 in the morning and I am tired. Goodnight!!!

"she's got blisters on the soles of her feet, she can't walk- but she's trying..."

Isn't it crazy sometimes how much certain people affect your life? I'm a firm believer of EVERY person being capable of influencing and affecting someone else's life in some way-- sometimes it's a HUGE influence. Sometimes very little. And other times... somewhere in between. And of course, these people who influence our lives can influence our lives two ways- positively, or negatively. But, I think it's important to note that no matter what happens, no matter how bad it hurts you, no matter how deeply you are wounded- everything you go through only makes you stronger and better than before. So maybe someone does influence your life in a negative way. But later on, you will realize how much you grew because of it. And that's life, baby. It's also so crazy how different people affect your life at very different times-- that also goes along with that whole, "people come and people go" thing. Of course, some people's influence in your life lasts longer than others-- muuuuch longer than some. Some people's ways of affecting your life stay forever apart of who you are. For a lot of us, it's your parents whose influence stays with us the longest. But, I think, also it's not always so much the length of influence that creates lasting impressions, but more so the depth. You probably can think of someone in your life now, or someone who used to be perhaps, that, in the grand scheme of life, doesn't really add up to that much time spent with their influence. And yet, when you really think about it, that person affected you the most-- more than ANYONE else ever could. Maybe the explanation for such a deep affection has to do with what you were going through personally when you knew this person. Maybe it's just because of who you are, and who that person really is-- the connection is just there. That makes me think about something else that's kind of crazy about relationships. Isn't it weird how much you have to work to keep a relationship with one person good, and how LITTLE you must work at another relationship with someone else? Maybe the two of you are just so polar opposite that it makes it hard sometimes-- or, maybe the two of you are so similar that it causes problems in certain situations. Who knows. Those are just two basic ways I can think of off the top of my head, but there are so many others-- people are just so complex, it's impossible to predict every situation outcome with every relationship throughout your life. Simply impossible.

People are fascinating. Aren't they??

"that unspoken feeling.. of knowing that right now is all that matters."

i love my friends.

i love their personalities. and that they have them.

i love how funny they are.

i love that no matter how mad i get at some of them, at the end of the day, i love 'em just the same.

i love their hugs.

i love seeing them all the time.

i love when my phone goes off and i know it's one of them from the ring tone.

i love that they love me even though i annoy them a lot, especially after i drink a lot of mountain dew.

i love their company.

i love helping them with their homework, and studying with them.

i love the adventures we have together.

i love that i learn from them.

i love that i'm better when i'm with them.

i love that they've seen me at my worst, and probably my best too.

i love how much we eat when we're together.

i love that they introduce me to new music, especially music i never thought i'd listen to and like.

i love that they pray for me in my times of trouble.

i love their smiles.

i love knowing that it doesnt matter what we do when we're together, just that we're together.

basically, i feel really special knowing that God looks after me by giving me wonderful friends.

Minnesoooooota!

Sooo. I am in MINNESOTA right now.

My friends' band, Amidst the Affliction, had a show booked for tonight- New Years Eve - in a town called Alexandria, MN. and... Kayla, Lindsey and myself decided we wanted to come along for the ride! Then the 7 of us decided to make it a little more of a weekend getaway! So we drove up yesterday, Saturday, and stayed in Minneapolis in a hotel. Today we drove further away to the lovely town of Alexandria and are staying at the place the boys play at, it's a nice place called Club 1. The guys played a great show. They're just amazing, with all their talent and passion for playing music. I just love being able to see them do it! Anyway, I cant wait to celebrate the New Year in couple hours... but unfortunately, i won't be able to ring in the new year like Kayla and Lindsey can. haha. it's actually a bit sad, but.. i won't go into the story. lets just say, in one week, i will be happier than ever! :-)

i'll write more lata. i want to go find the boys!

End of something, beginning of another.

First semester of college: check!

I...
struggled
doubted
fell
hurt
cried
frowned
lost
stumbled
wandered
hated
questioned
dwindled
and...

overcame
strengthened
triumphed
smiled
opened up
laughed
won
sustained
answered
gained
listened
and grew.

sounds pretty good to me.
------------------------------------
my first night of Christmas Break kicked off Saturday night with an amazing worship experience and message on Immanuel ("God with us") at The Dwelling, with some wonderful, VERY missed friends... including two of my favorite people ever- Brandon Barker and Jennifer Van Der Molen. Can't get better than that! Next on the agenda was to head downtown... Mitch & Kayla picked me up, and we headed downtown to ice skate with the rest of the gang- Zach, Blake, Caely, Austin, Lindsey, and Bryan. Unfortunately... the ice skating place ran out of skate sizes larger than 5... hmmmm, not so good for us! Instead, we walked around downtown in the nice and chilly night air. Next stop- Java Joe's. Coffee. gooooooooood. A special little text message :-). Then more walking with the crew, back towards our cars. We ended up standing around the ice arena place and watching all the skaters for quite a while. We pretended to push some of them over as they skated by, and chuckled at some funny people who couldn't skate very well, or couples who looked really awkward. Then we drove back towards WDM and met Luke, Cole, and JR at the lovely Wal-Mart (a nice meeting place we've found). After walking around for a bit and buying some cookie dough to eat as we walked... we decided it was a good night to go deer mounting. Oh, what a funny time. It was a competition between two groups- two cars. My car: Cole, Austin, Luke, Blake, Chris and I. The other car: Zach, Bry, JR, Linds, and Cae. We met at Hy-vee about 45 minutes later... the total count for my car: 31. the total count for the other car: 6. HA! beat 'em! :-)

It was a nice of adventures and lots of laughter, that's for sure...

Aubs met up with us, and Cae and Linds left to make their curfews. So we all headed over to JR's domain and ended up taking a walk... for like a freaking hour!!!!!!!!! it was the longest walk of our lives... our legs started to hurt... we wanted to kill JR because he couldnt figure out how to get back to his house. oh, JR... but yes, eventually, we did arrive back at his house. Phew. Aubs and I left around 1:30 a.m., and the boys stayed to have a little sleepover at JR's. Cute.

Today was wonderful because I slept in very late. The only reason I actually got out of bed was because Samantha Carlson called and told me she was on her way over to my house! oh goodness! haha. So we talked a little with my momma as i slowly woke up, then the two of us headed to jordan creek mall for some lunch. we talked for a bit and caught up on some things, which i needed to do! i love Sam soo much, i missed talking with her about life. she's my sista. well, miss Sam had to get back to work, so we parted and I basically spent the rest of the day on the couch in our living room watching movie after movie after movie. What can I say? There were a TON of great movies playing on tv! Lord of the Rings 2... then Lord of the Rings 3... The Grinch... How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days!!! goodness gracious! good times. Tomorrow I have plans to actually be productive and contribute to society in some way. so that shall be good.

that's all i've got for now. Love. <3 :-)

mario party PARTY

so... I worked my butt off for a bajillion hours last night to finish my darn english project, that i turned in this morning. *whew*-- GLAD THAT'S DONE! :-)

it only seemed natural that today i just relaxed all afternoon and had some fun too. after lunch with zach, tyler, and a very grumpy JR, i got cozy on the futon and read Harry Potter 6 for a good 2 and a half hours. Yep, that's right, I read for FUN. and for 2 and a half hours! I cannot tell you how long it has been since I have done that... let me put it this way- TOO, too long. So that was wonderful!

wednesday nights are my favorite TV nights. i watch That 70s Show at 5, then Friends at 6 and 6:30, then AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL (it was the FINALE tonight... my favorite girl wonnnn) at 7, then One Tree Hill at 8! After my fantastic relaxation time and lots of snacking, Brian came over to play some Mario Kart. We ended up going down to the 3rd floor den and watched the "Win a Date With Aidan Auction" thingy... very amusing to say the least. After that, Aidan, Brian and I played some Mario Kart and like a solid hour of Mario Party (the original)! We basically played mini-games the entire time and had a blast. haha, we even got shushed by my CA and had to close the door to my room for being too loud and excited about playing all the mini-games! all i have to say is... I will forever be the "Shy Guy Says" QUEEN- no matter what Brian thinks. And Aidan is unbeatable in Skateboard Skamper. Oh, AND... Brian gets props for blowing his Bowser up faster than anyone pretty much every time. yep. nintendo 64 nerd allllll the way!!

very fun night! very fun night indeed :-)

now i am going to go to bed early and get some much-needed sleep. i love it when i get past Wednesday during my school week, because I only have one class on Thursday. soo it's smooth sailing til the weekend for me! oh and i have SALT to look forward to tomorrow! i'm soo excited because it's the Christmas Salt night, so we get to sing all the amazing Christmas tuneskies and worship our Savior allllll together at one service, at 8 oclock instead of either 7 or 9. yayyy.

well goodnight. Love to all <3

Prone To Wander, this heart of mine.

"You've found hope, you've found faith,
Found how fast she could take it away.
Found true love, lost your heart.
Now you don't know who you are.
She made it easy, made it free,
Made you hurt till you couldn't see.
Sometimes it stops, sometimes it flows,
But baby that is how love goes.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

It's a secret no one tells;
One day it's heaven, one day it's hell.
It's no fairy tale; take it from me,
That's the way it's supposed to be.

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

You laugh, you cry, no one knows why
But OH the thrill of it all...
You're on the ride, you might as well
Open your eyes

You will fly and you will crawl;
God knows even angels fall.
No such thing as you lost it all.
God knows even angels fall.

Even angels fall
Even angels fall."
--Jessica Riddle, 10 Things I Hate About You movie soundtrack.
---------------------

This is my absolute favorite old hymn of ALL time.

"Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Praise the mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of Thy redeeming love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I'm come
And I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home
Jesus sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
Let Thy goodness like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee
Prone to wander Lord I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it,
seal it for Thy courts above.

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise
Teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it,
seal it for Thy courts above
O Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it,
seal it for Thy courts above."

<3<3<3
that's all.

Friendship is beautiful.

tuesday lunch bunch met today. as usual, it was lovely. then cort and i walked back to birch in the beautiful, mild weather, talking about life. duh, what else. i pretty much can't explain how much that kid means to me and how much our friendship has impacted my life. he's one of those friends that you feel like you've known your entire life, even if it's only been a few years. we rented the movie Good Will Hunting, and watched it in his room with Andy and JR. Andy left mid-way through, and Foster arrived a little bit afterwards to join us. When the movie was over, the four of us walked over to Maple-Willow-Larch to get junk food at the C-store. haha. my goodness, the weather was stunningly beautiful! the sun was shining brighter than before, and as we walked i just took in the fresh air that wasn't bitter cold and miserable- like it probably will be tomorrow walking to class! we stocked up on food and drinks, then went back to Cort and JR's room. Cort went down to work on something in the computer lab, so i watched Alex and JR play super mario. Later, JR left, so it was just me and Alex for a little bit. Fos was in such a good mood today, I was very happy to spend some time with him. He seemed to be acting the way he used to when we hung out like every day in the summer of '05. Cort returned and then him and I were alone for a little while because Fos ran back to his frat house to get more food/drinks and a movie! When he got back, we started watching the movie Green Street Hooligans... i think.. yeah i think thats the right title. haha. it has Elijah Wood in it!!!!!!!!! YAY! I was excited!!! but I only got to watch like... 20 mins or so of it, because my momma arrived outside Birch!

yep... she had to make a trip because I (being the incredibly smart woman that I am), left BOTH of my winter coats in the closet back home... yup. So she gave them to me, I got to see my dog Paddy for a few minutes and talk to my mom, as she gave me a ride to the udcc. I met Jamie and Catherine for din din. Then, some friendly faces walked in and ended up sitting at the table right next to us! Brian (erin's boyyyfriend), Brett, and Alex (not Foster) ! Jamie and I ended up staying extra long to talk to them... funny things were said, lets just say that. lots of cracking up was done! haha. Jamie left, then Brian walked me up to my room just to be nice. We ended up getting in a deep discussion on some issues, like about Bible studies and things in Scripture about community...then that turned into being safe and comfortable, needing to step out of that comfort zone...what i want to do, what he wants to do later on in life...it was intense! So... it turned into me and Bro sitting in the hallway down by the Helser 4th floor den and talking for quite a long time. It was a great talk. At the end, Brian just started praying, so we prayed right there as we sat in the hallway. It was really cool. He is a great encourager!

I actually did homework tonight. I also watched the new episode of Gilmore Girls, and That 70s Show after I took my shower.

Sigh. I should go to bed.

Hey, you know what? God is in control, my friends. and He is worthy of our praise, at all times. <3 so with that I bid you goodnight!

You are HOLY, HOLY...

Today was an INCREDIBLE day.
An incredibly GOD-FILLED day!

After my two classes, Erin and I went to lunch. Cort joined, and we caught up with each other and stayed there talking long after Erin had left. Then, we picked a movie to watch. You see, for the past 3 or 4 weeks now, Cort and I have eaten lunch, picked out a movie, and watched it in his room. The 2nd week, if I recall correctly, I began to remininsce on things that were happening exactly one year ago- so at the end of October, beginning of November. I remembered... falling in love with Starbucks, keeping Cort company at Starbucks while he worked, which also made me remember how much Cort and I's friendship grew during those days one year ago, and then... we both came to it-- MOVIE MONDAYS!! Every Monday, a group of us would head over to Bryan Wentworth's wonderful abode and watch a movie after school, right around 5:30/6:00. We would also eat lots and lots, as Mrs. Wentworth was always so generous to cook us up something wonderful or even order us pizza. A couple of us would even bring our homework (mostly me, Sam, and Tim... haha). We watched the sweetest movies ever, usually seasonal ones now that I think of it! Such as... Jingle All The Way, The Santa Clause, and we even watched The Princess Bride as the first official "Movie Monday".

So... as it dawned on me and Cort, we decided that we have created "Movie Tuesday". of course, it will never replace Movie Monday... but, as we are both up here at Iowa State, and we both usually hang out on Tuesdays anyway... why not enjoy a movie and dub it something sweet like Movie Tuesday! exactly. Today we watched Narnia. Sheesh, I loooove that movie! Anyway, when it ended, Cort and I had a great conversation centered around the One thing we love most in life, our Lord Almighty! It is so exciting to sit down with a brother in Christ and talk about the Bible and our lives together, and to watch the other's growth as they walk with the Lord. It's amazing! Well, we got hungry and went to eat dinner at the udcc, as time had passed faster than we both expected I suppose. Afterwards, Cort left and I went upstairs to say hi to mr. Brian Scott. I ended up hanging out with him, Bret, Alex, Saul (sp?), and another kid named Eric for quite a long time as they ate a plethora of strawberry jello cake! It was a very fun time indeed!

Tonight, I studied and did homework in Brian's room, then did some in Jamie's room when Brian went to a meeting, then returned back to Brian's room. Brian asked me a question I had not been asked in quite sometime- "so what's your story? you know, your God story?"... uhh, you mean, my testimony?? "yeah, your God story!" So I ended up talking for what felt like a very long time, one-on-one with Brian, and told him my testimony. It was the most refreshing thing I've felt in a while! Not to mention, the whole time pretty much I was studying in there with him, we were listening to our favorite worship songs, and I was doing my daily devotional by reading through some chapters in Romans and writing prayers to God in my journal. Sometimes we were both just singing the words to "Holy Is The Lord" and "Blessed Be Your Name" and smiling big goofy smiles, because we were both so full of the Spirit. Oh man, it was incredible. And it was a great time for me to get to know Brian, especially now as he is dating my sis. The whole time was just blessed. And then, when it was time for me to come home and get to bed, we prayed together. :-)

I end with this-

"I cry holy, holy begotten Son of God
Ancient of Days...
we cry holy, holy begotten Son of God!"

"Holy, holy is the Lord Almighty... Holy, HOLY!"

Intramural CHAMPS!

(written Friday, November 10th, 2006):

I just had one of the greatest nights ever!

Erin, Jamie, Emily E., Maggie, Natalie K., and I played indoor soccer tonight at the lied rec center and beat all our opponents to become..... THE 2006 INTRAMURAL INDOOR SOCCER CHAMPS!!!!!! we get to go pick up our SWEET intramural shirts sometime next week... i'm wayyy excited!

Jamie was the most amazing goalie ever and stopped the other team's goal from going in during a sudden death shoot out, Erin hussled her butt off (even scored herself a little injury on her knee!), Natalie ran faster than ive ever seen anyone run and defended our precious goal, Emily Eggleston was a defending MACHINE all night, Maggie played with such intensity never missing a chance to win the ball, and I... scored all of our goals :-)...I guess in the second game, I had what you call a hat trick, haha. It was the best team effort I think I've ever been apart of, I love those girls SOOOO much... and wow, there's nothing I love more than soccer... ok besides God but you should already know that haha. so, pretty much, it was a DYNAMITE night!!! oh, AND, two wonderful boys stayed the entire time from 7:30 to 11 and watched all of our games and helped coach us-- mr. Brian Scott and mr. Aidan Rinehart. Two of the bestttt boys i know!

I twisted my knee in the second half of the second game, it hurts a LOT. i dont know, it's messed up a little... ummm, i basically have not even one ounce of energy left in my body, my feet are in pain and feel like theyre on fire.... but i dont care! i had more fun tonight than ive ever had here in Ames with my college friends. :-) oh, and, the "refs"- two of the guys from the boys club soccer team, were super cute and we even got a pic with them at the end of the night. they were cuuuuute.

Other than that, I would just like to end this exciting little blog with one more thing... God is SO great, it amazes me how much strength I have every day because of Him. It's all because of Him. my wonderful Savior. :-)

love you all, i'm about to COLLAPSE. goodnight :-)

Some pictures:

1. after we won the semi-round.
2. after becoming the 2006 indoor soccer champssss, with our beautiful refs :-)

Beautiful Days

Despite the fact that two or three days in a row now, I have awoken early in the morning (before my alarm is even set to go off), with a burning fever that makes me nauseous and has caused me to throw up 3 times...... I'm having a pretty sweet week. haha. That sounds really bad, and... I guess it is, yeah. It is. BUT. I'm having a good week otherwise...

Tuesday I had lunch with Erin, Jamie and Cort which is something I always look forward to. Afterwards, Cort came up to my room and we picked out a movie, then walked back to Birch to watch it in his room. Haha- we watched Harry Potter 4. We also talked a lot about stuff and that was good. That evening, I returned to my room with a pleasant surprise there- Austin! So Catherine and I hung out with him for about an hour before meeting Erin and Jamie for din din, it was a fun din din 'cause I love those kids, especially Austin whom I do not get to see a ton :-).

Wednesday was great because...
1. Caely and her parents were up here on an official isu visit, so they came up to my room and hung out for a little bit. Caely just makes me smile, she's a wonderful girl. If she does come to isu, I will just rejoice.
2. I had lunch with Brandon Gill!!!! and Erin, Jamie, Alex F., and my Helser neighbor Erin D. I hadn't seen Brandon in FOREV, so it was exciting to eat with him.
3. IT WAS GORGEOUS OUTSIDE... absolutely GORGEOUS.
4. I laid/sat on a blanket out on central campus from 1:45 until 3:30... writing, drawing/doodling, reading my Bible (i read through parts of Matthew!), listening to music, and just laying out under the warm sun! Being outside made me soo happy!!
5. My Hixson recitation leader, Jesse, was walking around with some other leaders and the head of the Hixson program, Debra, for their leader's class i guess, and so i yelled and said 'hey', and... he came over... and we talked for like 20 minutes!!!!!!!!!!!!! did i mention ive had a crush on this guy since, like, the first day of class!?!? haha it was the first time we had talked outside of the classroom... and it was amazing, the conversation flowed so nicely :-) heh. we talked about a ton of stuff. it was FAN-TAS-TIC.
6. Erin and Brian joined me at my spot on central campus, and climbed the tree which I was sitting next to (I named it Huckabee!), then at 3:30 we started kicking the soccer ball around... then! a ton of people showed up to play soccer with us! so we started a game around 4... Brandon Gill, Nick (well he left early, but he did come!), Erin, Brian, Aidan (guy on my bro floor in helser), John, this guy I nicknamed Crazy Feet, Glen (also from helser), Alex, my friend Kim from Club Soccer, and Immanuel... i think i named everyone. yeah. it was SWEET! we played until like 5:30! it was amazing. Then we ate dinner. yay. then i showered. it felt great.

ok yes, so Wednesday was great because of all those things.

Tuesday and Wednesdays seem to always end up being great days for me. I like that. I like being able to look forward to Tuesdays and Wednesdays every week! Keeps me going even when I feel like crapppp.. which, i definitely have this week. yep.

I am at Santa Fe right now, it's kind of a regular Thursday-night thing for me now.. haha. I love it. But yes, i need to finish my english 105 assignment now. I was dreading it, but now it's not so bad because i changed my topic kind of, and i'm REALLY passionate about it... so that makes it a lot easier for me to write about. My topic is now on Generation Y (my generation) and Politics, like voting trends and views on political parties, the differences of our generation compared to previous generations (Gen. X, Baby Boom Gen., the Silent Gen., and GI Gen.). It's pretty freaking awesome and interesting! so... byeeee. <3

a professional napper's thoughts...

and here are words of comfort.

"You are so good to me
You heal my broken heart
You are my Father in Heaven...
You ride upon the clouds
You lead me to the truth
You are the Spirit inside me...
You poured out all Your blood
You died up on the cross
YOU ARE MY JESUS WHO LOVES ME."

this is my prayer:

"give me one pure and holy passion
give me one magnificent obsession
give me one glorious ambition for my life-
to know and follow hard after You...
to know and follow hard after You
to grow as Your disciple in the TRUTH,
this world is empty, pale, and poor
compared to knowing You my Lord...
so LEAD ME ON
and i will RUN AFTER YOU
lead me on and i will run after You."

this is what's on my mind right now:

"My soul yearns and even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and flesh cry out for the Living God." --Psalms 84:2

A funny story from Belize, summer 2005 missions trip w/ valley church-- (documented in the unofficial yet official Belize notebook):

"Bryan stepped on the kitten, which made the kitten ferociously mad so it hissed evilly at him. Bryan then apoligized to the kitten."

another [short] story:

"there is a gecko who lives on the wall above me and Sam's bed, and also in the window right by our bed. He lovingly calls out to us every night (oh how lovely the noise is), so we have decided he is our pet. And his name is Lloyd."

a famous quote:

"I would seriously pay for anti-heat rash....." --Cort Brown.

And to end this amazing blog, the relationship of Caely and Natalie in its true form:

Natalie: "Frizzball!"
Caely: "well at least my face doesnt look like a pepperoni pizza!"
-----------------------------the end--------------------------------
<3

oh and dont worry... i only napped 3 hours today. not 5. pretty good, eh!?

Bleh.

So I am sitting here, in my newly moved around room (as of yesterday). Does change ever just make you feel good? Just by having my room moved around and all the furniture and the set-up of everything... it just makes me feel good having it change. :-)

I don't really feel well today. It's not like I would say... I feel... "sick"... it's more like, I just feel weak. I don't know. After my Journalism & Mass Communication 101 midterm (the second), I zipped back here and slept..................... for five hours. Apparantly it's an amazing feat, to nap for 5 hours, from noon until 5 pm. but, for me, it seemed completely... not amazing. It felt just like a normal hour, or hour and a half nap. After that, you'd think I would feel incredibly well-rested, but I actually have felt crappy all night since then. It was super hard to get up and walk across campus to my 9 oclock english 105 class, but i pushed myself. When i had breakfast in my room, all the sudden my gag reflux thing went off and I just threw up my entire breakfast, which contained a piece of lemon poppyseed bread and a cinnamon poptart, my normal breakfast. Gross, huh? Well it didn't make me feel especially cheerful to start my day I can tell you that... yuck.

I didn't even eat lunch, I just slept alllllll afternoon, for freaking five hours. After dinner, I put in Harry Potter 3 and watched that while doing my Pol. S. 251 notes and JLMC 101 notes as well. I made some tea, tried to relax. One thing I have learned is when I feel like stress is coming on, when I can tell, the best thing to do is help myself relax the best way I can. My stomach still felt queasy (did I spell that correctly?) though. I also watched some episodes of season 2 Laguna Beach, mostly because I felt super weak and my head hurt and I had no motivation in my body to go anywhere or do anything. So i spent my evening pretty much on my futon... wait, AND my afternoon. sweet. i feel really good about that. lol, NOT!

I dont know if there's something WRONG with me or what... but, I just don't want to sleep 5 hours again tomorrow. and it didnt even phase my body clock, like I'm still exhausted right now, with it being 12 a.m.... this is kind of my usual bedtime that i prefer, so, yeah.. i dont know... im super tired, like i said my body just feels weak. like i cant DO anything. im trying not to get down on myself about it, i tend to do that when i physically dont feel well, so, yeah im trying to stay cheerful. i think i'm gonna go read my Bible and then climb up into my bed and sleep the night away.

after I enjoy some tasty teddy grahams.
<3

Santa Fe, mmm.

Yesterday was a good day.

Cort and I had lunch together, and Catherine joined us a little later. I finished my online geology homework in my room afterwards, briefly talked to Erin on the phone, then walked over to Birch. I hung out with Cort most of the afternoon. I worked a little on my library homework, then Cort had this brownie thing w/ hot fudge and we cooked it and i had half and he had the other... it was one amazing brownie, even though it was mostly just a glob of barely-hardened chocolate. haha. whatever, i enjoyed it! chocolate is just amazing like that. Then we had a really good talk for, i dont know, like 45 minutes or so, and it was wonderful. It is always wonderful to connect with a brother on a deep spiritual level, Cort has always been a great encouragement to me in my walk with Christ. well, JR walked in, so we popped in Batman Begins. what a grrreat movie! i had seen it 2 or 3 times before, but i had never seen the ending, haha. soo i finally watched it all the way through, and it was fantastic! Then i met Erin at the udcc for dinner. Lots of people working at the udcc were dressed in sweet halloween costumes, and just people in general that were there eating, haha it was kinda fun seeing people get into halloween like that. They also handed out candy when they swiped our cards... soo... hey, candy is ALWAYS good in my book!

Later on, I walked over to Sante Fe, the coffee shop along Lincoln Way, to do homework/study. I can't really drive to Barnes & Noble like I used to ALL the TIME last year, haha, so i'm finding that Santa Fe is a nice substitute. I got all my library 160 work done and out of the way, since I'm doing the accelerated option my assignments are all due tomorrow when i take the final exam and am done w/ library foreverrrr! woo hoo. I started studying for my Pol. S. 251 exam, which is also tomorrow, but got sidetracked and ended up talking to my lovely friend Kayla online for a pretty long time! turns out, Kayla is in need of some quality friend time and is quite lonely over at Elmhurst. Her and Mitch are driving home this weekend, and so I decided I will do the same so I can spend some time with them. I know what it feels like to not be happy where you're at and how desperately you just need to be around people who love you and support you... so I want to be there for her.

I know I go home almost every weekend, but, honestly, I don't care what people have to say about that. If I want to go home almost every weekend, so what? I love being here in Ames during the week and when I'm going to classes, but when I dont have anything going on here, and I have the opportunity to go home to West Des Moines and spend time with my family and friends there, I'm gonna go back, no questions asked. My friends back home are pretty much family to me anyway, and they're the kind of friends I plan on having for the rest of my life, so I dont think there's anything wrong with it.

I enjoyed a grande almond latte while I relaxed and worked at Santa Fe. I actually didnt even plan it, but I studied my Bible for a good 45 minutes while I was there. Right now I am in the Word basically every day. I really dont usually do this, but I am finding that depending on God is the most important thing in the whole world, and the only way I can depend on Him fully is to read my Bible literally every single day. I love it! I went home right about at 10 pm, then i finished up some things and cleaned my room a little, and laid around watching 1st and 2nd season episodes of Laguna Beach.... it was fabulous. :-) I had chips and salsa, and some cheetos duhhhh. I couldnt sleep again though, bummer! so I didnt fall asleep i think until 1:30 or something... i dont know, it sucked. :-(

but anyway, Tuesday was a good day!

Today, I plan on having some God time, going to my Painter's Anonymous club meeting, studying for my Pol. S. 251 test HARDCORE, and watching the new season 3 episode of Laguna Beach (of course). Sounds goooood to me! oh and tonight is sister-dinner night with miss Erin, so cant wait. That's the low-down of yesterday and today so far. Love you all! :-)