"Hey my friend, it seems your eyes are troubled
care to share your time with me?
would you say you're feeling low and so
a good idea would be to get it off of your mind?
see you and me have a better time than most can dream
have it better than the best
so can pull on through
whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down
and if nothing can be done
we'll make the best of what's around.
turns out not where but who you're with that really matters, that really matters
and hurts not much when you're around, when you're around
and if you hold on tight to what you think is your thing
you may find you're missing all the rest.
She ran up into the light. Her mind's eye is
seeing things from a better side than most can dream
on a clearer road I feel, oh you could say she's safe.
hold on..... we'll make the best of what's around."
--Dave Matthews Band
Friday, March 30, 2007
I hate this.
I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes, just staring at the screen in front of me. I can’t think of words to use for this situation. All I can think of is how I feel. And I don’t feel good. I feel pain, deep inside my heart. I feel pain for their family. The pain stretches throughout my entire body it seems like. I can’t really feel my legs or my arms right now, they’re kind of numb. Everything around me is still and quiet, even with Guster blaring from my laptop as I type this. My eyes are heavy, and they burn every now and then as tears brim over at random times. I feel trance-like. My brain seems to be processing at a slower pace than normal. I’m breathing steadily, but my breaths feel shallow.
At dinner tonight, I felt like everyone was moving in slow motion around me. I was just sitting there, but I didn’t feel like I was actually there. I watched people walk by my table and walk through the lines in the UDCC, gathering food for their meals. I watched them sit at their tables and talk to their friends. Every time I saw a person walk by, I wondered if they would someday decide to end their lives like he did. I wondered if they were depressed right now. I wondered if they felt hopeless enough to bring death upon themselves, to bring pain upon their bodies, unnecessary and terrible pain. With each person who passed by, I wondered if their smiles were hiding something, or if their smiles were just smiles. I wondered if their eyes always looked so empty, so lifeless. I felt better when I saw eyes full of life and hope every now and then. But some people made me wonder. I wondered if their eyes were true reflections of their hearts, or if they were misleading. Suicide is just another statistic now that we have to grow up being aware of, and it’s another statistic we have to stand up to and beat down. I just couldn’t stop thinking if the person I just watched walk away would wake up tomorrow and decide life wasn’t worth living. I couldn’t stop thinking if the person I just watched get ketchup for their fries would be a wife to her husband and a mother to her kids one day, and then wake up one day at the age of 55 and just end it all. I wondered if she would shoot her brain stem out, and die from suffocation, or hang herself, or overdose on pain medications, or (insert way of killing yourself here).
Suicide makes me sad. I am overcome with sadness right now. You could almost call it sorrow. I feel so much pain for them. I’m mad. I’m mad that people give up when there's still hope but they just can't see it. I’m sad. I’m so sad it happened. I’m frustrated no one prevented this from happening. I hate suicide. I hate it. I'm so, so sad.
At dinner tonight, I felt like everyone was moving in slow motion around me. I was just sitting there, but I didn’t feel like I was actually there. I watched people walk by my table and walk through the lines in the UDCC, gathering food for their meals. I watched them sit at their tables and talk to their friends. Every time I saw a person walk by, I wondered if they would someday decide to end their lives like he did. I wondered if they were depressed right now. I wondered if they felt hopeless enough to bring death upon themselves, to bring pain upon their bodies, unnecessary and terrible pain. With each person who passed by, I wondered if their smiles were hiding something, or if their smiles were just smiles. I wondered if their eyes always looked so empty, so lifeless. I felt better when I saw eyes full of life and hope every now and then. But some people made me wonder. I wondered if their eyes were true reflections of their hearts, or if they were misleading. Suicide is just another statistic now that we have to grow up being aware of, and it’s another statistic we have to stand up to and beat down. I just couldn’t stop thinking if the person I just watched walk away would wake up tomorrow and decide life wasn’t worth living. I couldn’t stop thinking if the person I just watched get ketchup for their fries would be a wife to her husband and a mother to her kids one day, and then wake up one day at the age of 55 and just end it all. I wondered if she would shoot her brain stem out, and die from suffocation, or hang herself, or overdose on pain medications, or (insert way of killing yourself here).
Suicide makes me sad. I am overcome with sadness right now. You could almost call it sorrow. I feel so much pain for them. I’m mad. I’m mad that people give up when there's still hope but they just can't see it. I’m sad. I’m so sad it happened. I’m frustrated no one prevented this from happening. I hate suicide. I hate it. I'm so, so sad.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Mama said think before speaking...
So let me tell you something else that I'm "finding."
I have a big mouth. I do. And a lot of times it's even a big, stupid mouth. Everyone who would call themselves a friend of mine, or, anyone who knows me, can all agree that I'm a generally loud person. Well.. let me clarify. I'm loud in social situations. Like when I'm with a big group of people and/or participating in a social activity, or whatever you'd like to call it. But not only am I just loud. I was walking up the stairs to get back to my room tonight, and the entire climb I was thinking about how much of a big mouth I have. A big, loud, stupid mouth. I don't think before I say things. I just say it. I don't think at all, I just want to get the sentence out of my mouth and out of my head the second it enters, without any processing. And it's not like I say mean things when I blurt things out without thinking. No, that's not my problem. I KNOW some people who have a problem with that and that's not me. I am totally aware of people's feelings when I say something, but, I always seem to say something at the wrong time or to the wrong person or whatever, and it's always because I don't think about it before I say it. OR, I think way, way, WAY too much about something before I say it, and then it all comes out totally not the way I originally intended it to come out because my original thoughts get all skewed and messed up when I over-think things. So, I either don't think at all, or I think way too much, therefore I end up saying something completely stupid, ridiculous, or just something that I don't really mean at all. It's vicious. Gets me every time it seems..
One of my favorite oldies of John Mayer's Room For Squares album can pretty much explain my thoughts right now.
I have a big mouth. I do. And a lot of times it's even a big, stupid mouth. Everyone who would call themselves a friend of mine, or, anyone who knows me, can all agree that I'm a generally loud person. Well.. let me clarify. I'm loud in social situations. Like when I'm with a big group of people and/or participating in a social activity, or whatever you'd like to call it. But not only am I just loud. I was walking up the stairs to get back to my room tonight, and the entire climb I was thinking about how much of a big mouth I have. A big, loud, stupid mouth. I don't think before I say things. I just say it. I don't think at all, I just want to get the sentence out of my mouth and out of my head the second it enters, without any processing. And it's not like I say mean things when I blurt things out without thinking. No, that's not my problem. I KNOW some people who have a problem with that and that's not me. I am totally aware of people's feelings when I say something, but, I always seem to say something at the wrong time or to the wrong person or whatever, and it's always because I don't think about it before I say it. OR, I think way, way, WAY too much about something before I say it, and then it all comes out totally not the way I originally intended it to come out because my original thoughts get all skewed and messed up when I over-think things. So, I either don't think at all, or I think way too much, therefore I end up saying something completely stupid, ridiculous, or just something that I don't really mean at all. It's vicious. Gets me every time it seems..
One of my favorite oldies of John Mayer's Room For Squares album can pretty much explain my thoughts right now.
My stupid mouth has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see she was offended
She said well anyway..
just dying for a subject change.
Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said think before speaking
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do?
I guess he better find one soon
We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess
with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good,
what just slipped out,
and what went wrong
Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again
How could I forget?
Mama said think before speaking
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do?
I guess he better find one
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
Starting now
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked, just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me Captain Backfire
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
Starting now
---
pick me up, love
3/24/07
I am finding that it doesn’t matter where you are when it comes to dealing with life and people and things. It doesn’t matter what city you’re in, what state you’re in, or even what country you’re in. The thing that does matter is that you’re the one who is living in that city, or residing in that state, or within that country’s borders. Where you are doesn’t change what’s going on in your life. It doesn’t change the fact that there are difficult people you’re going to have to deal with, or the fact that there are going to be hard issues that come up, forcing you to make big decisions and think much more than you’d really like to. Your location is temporary, really. Just like most relationships and friendships, jobs, and other things of this world that all people have, naturally. Locations change, people change, your situation changes- but you’re always going to have relationship problems, and hopefully, resolutions that come after the problems. You’re always going to have hard situations come up. Maybe it’s a health disorder, maybe it’s a career decision, or maybe it’s a moral issue. Whatever it is, it will stay with you no matter how many places you move, no matter how many cities you leave, and no matter how many new cities you arrive in. It doesn’t matter how many “vacations” you take, whether it be a cruise out of the country, or just a couple hundred miles away from your place of residence at that time. You can try to escape your problems, you can try to get away from certain people, you can try to move on from reputations you want to leave in the past… but you can never really escape, you can never really get away for good, and you can never truly move on and leave things in the past. Unless… YOU make a change, on the inside. It’s not the places you go to solve an issue, it’s not where you are when problems arise, it’s what goes on inside of your head and inside your heart that matter. Because, the fact is, you can never really escape yourself. You are you, and you’re always going to be you. Things about you can change, of course, but at the end of the day you’re still you. You are the one that’s in one city today and you’re also the one in the next city tomorrow- the common factor in all of these is the “you.” It’s not what goes on around you that matters in the end, it’s you. It’s what is going on inside of you. Your surroundings have significant affects on your life, as well as the people you surround yourself with, and what you do with your surroundings. They all affect you somehow. But I’m finding that, in the end, none of those things truly change you without something inside of you changing first. Maybe changing your location is something that gives you a fresh perspective. Maybe you spend most of your life in the
Thursday, March 22, 2007
i will stand, i will stand, when everything falls away
Yesterday was wonderful, for these reasons:
1. lunch with Ben, and smoothie time before class
2. class with Kate and Ben
3. soccer with my sista outside by college of design
4. gilmore girls and white cheddar cheese popcorn
5. dinner with Jamie
6. running into Mel, Steve and Brek
7. Sam spontaneously driving up to Ames and visiting me
8. working out at the rec for an hour and a half with Kayla!
9. haha, the steam roooooom
10. running into JR, Ben, Carl, and Derek all at the rec
11. Kayla and I's attempt to throw stuff at Zach's window and run away...
12. getting caught
13. hanging out with Zach in his room, listening to Haste the Day
14. Sam came by, JR cooked a pizza, and we all enjoyed Duncan's brownies.. freakin delicious.
15. checking out JR's piranhas in his room- Giovanni, Gumby, and Bryan (hahahaha)
16. Zach made me give him a piggyback ride... I only made it 10 feet down the hallway.
17. then he gave me a piggyback ride, down the four flights of stairs all the way back to his room haha.
18. the walk home, vanilla cloves- my asian friend giving me his last one. aww.
and good news, Kayla and I are working out again tonight. CAN'T wait! :-)
1. lunch with Ben, and smoothie time before class
2. class with Kate and Ben
3. soccer with my sista outside by college of design
4. gilmore girls and white cheddar cheese popcorn
5. dinner with Jamie
6. running into Mel, Steve and Brek
7. Sam spontaneously driving up to Ames and visiting me
8. working out at the rec for an hour and a half with Kayla!
9. haha, the steam roooooom
10. running into JR, Ben, Carl, and Derek all at the rec
11. Kayla and I's attempt to throw stuff at Zach's window and run away...
12. getting caught
13. hanging out with Zach in his room, listening to Haste the Day
14. Sam came by, JR cooked a pizza, and we all enjoyed Duncan's brownies.. freakin delicious.
15. checking out JR's piranhas in his room- Giovanni, Gumby, and Bryan (hahahaha)
16. Zach made me give him a piggyback ride... I only made it 10 feet down the hallway.
17. then he gave me a piggyback ride, down the four flights of stairs all the way back to his room haha.
18. the walk home, vanilla cloves- my asian friend giving me his last one. aww.
and good news, Kayla and I are working out again tonight. CAN'T wait! :-)
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
march madness indeed
Well, I think an update is in order. I've been terrible at writing in this thing lately... oops.
In the health category, the past month has not been my favorite, to say the least. I had "early-on insomnia" (what my doctor called it) for about 3 weeks. When I finally began to get that under control, my kidney stone problems decided to act up quite a bit and have been going on for 2 weeks now or so. I went to the doctor over my spring break (last week), and ended up getting 2 shots- meningitis (should have gotten this last summer), and gardisil (for cervical cancer prevention.. gotta love being a girl). I also had blood drawn and, my favorite, gave a nice little urine sample. I was sort of hoping one of those results would explain my constant pain from kidney problems and such, but, that all came back COMPLETELY normal (whatever...). However, I get back to ISU and my first day back I get a call from my doctor with my lab results, saying that I might have something called "Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome"-- which made my day for sure. No.. on the contrary, I almost had a meltdown when I found out. Like I really need some other medical condition on my plate right now- it's already full as it is, do I really need another disorder dealing with "down there", which is oh so pleasant let me tell you, and do I really need another reason to get more tests... which means more doctors... more uncomfortable prodding and poking... more ultrasounds... more pills... more decisions that will affect the rest of my life and my well-being!
it's all too much. certainly too much for me to handle right now. but this is the reality of life for me right now, i have to deal with this stuff. so i'm going to, and i'll try to do it with a perspective that when this is all done and over- all the pain and the stress will be forgotten and i will be better because of the strength it took me to get through it all. There's only thing that REALLY bothers me about the possibility of having PCOS. How can I explain this... ok.. I'm young and I'm one of the few young adults out there who is not sexually active and will remain that way until i'm married, which means there really is NO need for me to get a "pap smear" (seriously... why) , or go see a gynecologist, have doctors "all up in my grill" (if you know what i'm sayin) and make sure i'm "OK" down there. Of course I'll understand when I need to do these necessary things when I'm ready to have kids- but right now? freshman in college? i don't think so. And why I'm bothered, is because the only way to know if I have PCOS is to do exactly what I just told you I don't want to do. Lame. At the end of this phone call from my doctor, she was kind of like- so what do you want to do?..... haha, I was like "well i'm still kind of taking this all in, so.. uh, I'm gonna talk to my mom and figure this out."
I'm trying to stay light-hearted about it. I use humor as a defense mechanism whenever I feel like there's a possibility I might be "attacked" about any of my "health problems"... and attacked can be used loosely- meaning, questioned about it in any way, or even worse- when i'm talking to someone and they DON'T ask me about it. I feel uncomfortable, so, in defense, I humorously mention something regarding my disease, disorder, condition- whatever. It's weird. I've recently realized that I do this, even though I've been doing it now for 5 years or so.. ever since the kidney stone disease was first diagnosed. So i'm trying to stay light-hearted about this new syndrome, as well as with the others, but, I can't say right now that I'm content. I'm just not. And... that's just me being honest. I'm not in a place right now where I can say that amidst all these health problems that affect me emotionally and psychologically, as well as physically, I'm ok with everything. because... darn it, I'm just not. But i'm trying to not complain. I'm trying soooooooooo hard. Usually it just ends up in me not saying ANYTHING. which, in the end, just doesn't work for me, because then I feel like I can't express myself, and I get all in a tizzy about that because i'm all about expressing myself, especially through using words whether in speaking or writing. In conclusion, I don't know, I guess I just need to talk to God about all this because I haven't lately and so I don't have much clarity about the situation and I feel all messed up inside because of it. So, that's where I'm at right now.
I got a job yesterday. WOOO! Seriously- big answer to prayer for my family. I am a tutor for America Reads/America Counts, so I will help elementary kids learn how to read and do math :-). I basically walked into the interview feeling very prepared and confident, and answered all her questions perfectly and with ease. It was great, really. It's because this job is seriously the most perfect job in the world for a person like me. I absolutely LOVE kids, I love to help them and I have a huge heart for them. I have a great passion for being a good role model to younger kids, I love to read, I'm patient with kids, and I have a huge desire to help kids learn how to believe in themselves- so they think they CAN achieve something, and so they WILL achieve it. I definitely believe that's a huge part of learning. Having someone believe in you and help you along the way is a great way to help secure a better future for someone who may not think they can get there.
I'm gonna go play soccer with Erin outside for a little.... it's so nice out, i just have to get out and enjoy it. I'll write more later. Lots to catch up on.
In the health category, the past month has not been my favorite, to say the least. I had "early-on insomnia" (what my doctor called it) for about 3 weeks. When I finally began to get that under control, my kidney stone problems decided to act up quite a bit and have been going on for 2 weeks now or so. I went to the doctor over my spring break (last week), and ended up getting 2 shots- meningitis (should have gotten this last summer), and gardisil (for cervical cancer prevention.. gotta love being a girl). I also had blood drawn and, my favorite, gave a nice little urine sample. I was sort of hoping one of those results would explain my constant pain from kidney problems and such, but, that all came back COMPLETELY normal (whatever...). However, I get back to ISU and my first day back I get a call from my doctor with my lab results, saying that I might have something called "Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome"-- which made my day for sure. No.. on the contrary, I almost had a meltdown when I found out. Like I really need some other medical condition on my plate right now- it's already full as it is, do I really need another disorder dealing with "down there", which is oh so pleasant let me tell you, and do I really need another reason to get more tests... which means more doctors... more uncomfortable prodding and poking... more ultrasounds... more pills... more decisions that will affect the rest of my life and my well-being!
it's all too much. certainly too much for me to handle right now. but this is the reality of life for me right now, i have to deal with this stuff. so i'm going to, and i'll try to do it with a perspective that when this is all done and over- all the pain and the stress will be forgotten and i will be better because of the strength it took me to get through it all. There's only thing that REALLY bothers me about the possibility of having PCOS. How can I explain this... ok.. I'm young and I'm one of the few young adults out there who is not sexually active and will remain that way until i'm married, which means there really is NO need for me to get a "pap smear" (seriously... why) , or go see a gynecologist, have doctors "all up in my grill" (if you know what i'm sayin) and make sure i'm "OK" down there. Of course I'll understand when I need to do these necessary things when I'm ready to have kids- but right now? freshman in college? i don't think so. And why I'm bothered, is because the only way to know if I have PCOS is to do exactly what I just told you I don't want to do. Lame. At the end of this phone call from my doctor, she was kind of like- so what do you want to do?..... haha, I was like "well i'm still kind of taking this all in, so.. uh, I'm gonna talk to my mom and figure this out."
I'm trying to stay light-hearted about it. I use humor as a defense mechanism whenever I feel like there's a possibility I might be "attacked" about any of my "health problems"... and attacked can be used loosely- meaning, questioned about it in any way, or even worse- when i'm talking to someone and they DON'T ask me about it. I feel uncomfortable, so, in defense, I humorously mention something regarding my disease, disorder, condition- whatever. It's weird. I've recently realized that I do this, even though I've been doing it now for 5 years or so.. ever since the kidney stone disease was first diagnosed. So i'm trying to stay light-hearted about this new syndrome, as well as with the others, but, I can't say right now that I'm content. I'm just not. And... that's just me being honest. I'm not in a place right now where I can say that amidst all these health problems that affect me emotionally and psychologically, as well as physically, I'm ok with everything. because... darn it, I'm just not. But i'm trying to not complain. I'm trying soooooooooo hard. Usually it just ends up in me not saying ANYTHING. which, in the end, just doesn't work for me, because then I feel like I can't express myself, and I get all in a tizzy about that because i'm all about expressing myself, especially through using words whether in speaking or writing. In conclusion, I don't know, I guess I just need to talk to God about all this because I haven't lately and so I don't have much clarity about the situation and I feel all messed up inside because of it. So, that's where I'm at right now.
I got a job yesterday. WOOO! Seriously- big answer to prayer for my family. I am a tutor for America Reads/America Counts, so I will help elementary kids learn how to read and do math :-). I basically walked into the interview feeling very prepared and confident, and answered all her questions perfectly and with ease. It was great, really. It's because this job is seriously the most perfect job in the world for a person like me. I absolutely LOVE kids, I love to help them and I have a huge heart for them. I have a great passion for being a good role model to younger kids, I love to read, I'm patient with kids, and I have a huge desire to help kids learn how to believe in themselves- so they think they CAN achieve something, and so they WILL achieve it. I definitely believe that's a huge part of learning. Having someone believe in you and help you along the way is a great way to help secure a better future for someone who may not think they can get there.
I'm gonna go play soccer with Erin outside for a little.... it's so nice out, i just have to get out and enjoy it. I'll write more later. Lots to catch up on.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
kiss the ones you love goodnight...
The past 2 or 3 weeks have been a bit of a mess for me. Lots of uncertainty. Lots of setbacks.
I've had a problem with falling asleep at night for the past 2 weeks or so. Almost every night, I laid in bed and tried to fall asleep and...... failed miserably. I just can't fall asleep. I would lay there, and think about EVERYTHING going on in my life. I would think about things I normally don't even think about, but I couldn't stop my brain from thinking and churning and reeling. I couldn't settle my body down, so that it could relax enough to shut down for sleep. I was always turning from side to side, never able to stop and just relax. That moment where your body relaxes and your brain kind of "stops", that moment right before you fall asleep, NEVER CAME. So I would end up laying in bed for hours, then I think I would just sort of doze off for a couple hours until my phone alarm would go off to "wake me up" for class. In turn, I wouldn't get up to go to classes because I had gotten no sleep, so then I would fall asleep til 12:30 or 1 pm during the day, not only missing class but missing lunch. So, not only was I missing class but I was not feeding my body because I would sleep instead of eat during the day. It's like I've turned nocturnal-ish. It's been horrible. Finally, when I realized it wasn't just a problem I was having for a couple days, but a whole week, I asked my sister and my mom and friends what I could do. I was pretty desperate. My sleeping pattern was getting soooo messed up after just a week or so of the abnormal sleeping. I tried taking benodryll before going to bed after talking to my mom and sis, to see if that would help since it is an anti-histamine and relaxes your body and makes you sleepy. It wasn't doing the job. I still couldn't shut my brain off at night. My body was relaxed, but I would just go into full-think-mode for hours just lying there, long enough so that the benodryll would literally wear off and I wouldn't be tired anymore, or "sleepy." So I went right back to the way things were. About 2 weeks had passed at this point, so I was even more desperate to try to do something else so that I could properly rest and get back to going to class again. Jamie suggested listening to really soothing music like without words and stuff, like one of our favorite bands- Sigur Ros. So, I now go to bed at night with my ipod playing the Sigur Ros cd, which, does help I think. It definitely helps me relax faster than if I were to not be listening to anything. The major problem was not being able to control my brain. So, last night was the first time I tried another sleeping pill that has successfully helped me fall asleep in the past, like my parents let me take it the night before we were leaving for a vacation I remember, because it was impossible for me to fall asleep being so anxious and eager and such. The problem was, I took it too late at night, and it is pretty powerful, so I slept through my classes this morning completely. BUT, it successful helped me FALL ASLEEP. Like for the first time, I lied there and listened to Sigur Ros for a little bit, then shut it off, felt my body slipping into that sleepy-dreamy mode, found a comfortable position, and... woke up and all the sudden it was the next morning! I didn't even remember Catherine coming back into the room and getting into bed at all, because I had ACTUALLY fallen asleep. Oh my gosh it was the greatest feeling in the world. The only thing I have to do is start taking it earlier, so I'm gonna take it at 11 pm, so, very shortly.
The only sucky thing was, I was super nauseous and dizzy all day today. I felt like this on Sunday night too. BUt... today, my stomachache lasted ALL day long. It was awful. I still don't feel very great. I was feverish for a little bit even. I dunno, my stomachache just did not get better. I tried eating things that were good for stomachaches and drinking liquids that calm your stomach down like Sprite and stuff. Didn't work. Ugh. Then tonight I just was suuper dizzy. I hope it doesn't happen again for a long time. I might be making an appointment with the health center tomorrow, I dont know. Two times in one week, it's just kind of weird. I'd like to get my blood work done, just to kind of see if my bloodcounts and stuff are all normal and ok. Cause... I dont seem ok. BUt, maybe this sleeping thing will help make everything better. That's what I'm hoping! Oh yeah, I also have made a MAJOR change in my diet! I'm not drinking ANY mountain dew, or redbull (or any other energy drink), or coffee AT ALL. I'm also making sure to not drink any tea unless it's before dinner time. I have at least one smoothie a day from the C-store. The reason that's important is because the one I get is filled w/ calories and vitamins, especially vitamin C. I have them put in a booster, called the immune booster, which adds 500 mg of vitamin C. I'm really trying to give my body vitamins and healthy things like that. SO..... I'm hoping all of these things will help. I just can't go on living like I have been. It's not good for me. It affects me so much, I really need to keep up what I'm doing with these diet changes and not give in.
Well time to take my pill and try to settle down. I pray, pray, pray I can have a good rest tonight and that I can wake up for classes tomorrow. I'm really scared that my grades are going to suffer after so many missed classes. But, my health is first. That's for sure.
Goodnight<3
I've had a problem with falling asleep at night for the past 2 weeks or so. Almost every night, I laid in bed and tried to fall asleep and...... failed miserably. I just can't fall asleep. I would lay there, and think about EVERYTHING going on in my life. I would think about things I normally don't even think about, but I couldn't stop my brain from thinking and churning and reeling. I couldn't settle my body down, so that it could relax enough to shut down for sleep. I was always turning from side to side, never able to stop and just relax. That moment where your body relaxes and your brain kind of "stops", that moment right before you fall asleep, NEVER CAME. So I would end up laying in bed for hours, then I think I would just sort of doze off for a couple hours until my phone alarm would go off to "wake me up" for class. In turn, I wouldn't get up to go to classes because I had gotten no sleep, so then I would fall asleep til 12:30 or 1 pm during the day, not only missing class but missing lunch. So, not only was I missing class but I was not feeding my body because I would sleep instead of eat during the day. It's like I've turned nocturnal-ish. It's been horrible. Finally, when I realized it wasn't just a problem I was having for a couple days, but a whole week, I asked my sister and my mom and friends what I could do. I was pretty desperate. My sleeping pattern was getting soooo messed up after just a week or so of the abnormal sleeping. I tried taking benodryll before going to bed after talking to my mom and sis, to see if that would help since it is an anti-histamine and relaxes your body and makes you sleepy. It wasn't doing the job. I still couldn't shut my brain off at night. My body was relaxed, but I would just go into full-think-mode for hours just lying there, long enough so that the benodryll would literally wear off and I wouldn't be tired anymore, or "sleepy." So I went right back to the way things were. About 2 weeks had passed at this point, so I was even more desperate to try to do something else so that I could properly rest and get back to going to class again. Jamie suggested listening to really soothing music like without words and stuff, like one of our favorite bands- Sigur Ros. So, I now go to bed at night with my ipod playing the Sigur Ros cd, which, does help I think. It definitely helps me relax faster than if I were to not be listening to anything. The major problem was not being able to control my brain. So, last night was the first time I tried another sleeping pill that has successfully helped me fall asleep in the past, like my parents let me take it the night before we were leaving for a vacation I remember, because it was impossible for me to fall asleep being so anxious and eager and such. The problem was, I took it too late at night, and it is pretty powerful, so I slept through my classes this morning completely. BUT, it successful helped me FALL ASLEEP. Like for the first time, I lied there and listened to Sigur Ros for a little bit, then shut it off, felt my body slipping into that sleepy-dreamy mode, found a comfortable position, and... woke up and all the sudden it was the next morning! I didn't even remember Catherine coming back into the room and getting into bed at all, because I had ACTUALLY fallen asleep. Oh my gosh it was the greatest feeling in the world. The only thing I have to do is start taking it earlier, so I'm gonna take it at 11 pm, so, very shortly.
The only sucky thing was, I was super nauseous and dizzy all day today. I felt like this on Sunday night too. BUt... today, my stomachache lasted ALL day long. It was awful. I still don't feel very great. I was feverish for a little bit even. I dunno, my stomachache just did not get better. I tried eating things that were good for stomachaches and drinking liquids that calm your stomach down like Sprite and stuff. Didn't work. Ugh. Then tonight I just was suuper dizzy. I hope it doesn't happen again for a long time. I might be making an appointment with the health center tomorrow, I dont know. Two times in one week, it's just kind of weird. I'd like to get my blood work done, just to kind of see if my bloodcounts and stuff are all normal and ok. Cause... I dont seem ok. BUt, maybe this sleeping thing will help make everything better. That's what I'm hoping! Oh yeah, I also have made a MAJOR change in my diet! I'm not drinking ANY mountain dew, or redbull (or any other energy drink), or coffee AT ALL. I'm also making sure to not drink any tea unless it's before dinner time. I have at least one smoothie a day from the C-store. The reason that's important is because the one I get is filled w/ calories and vitamins, especially vitamin C. I have them put in a booster, called the immune booster, which adds 500 mg of vitamin C. I'm really trying to give my body vitamins and healthy things like that. SO..... I'm hoping all of these things will help. I just can't go on living like I have been. It's not good for me. It affects me so much, I really need to keep up what I'm doing with these diet changes and not give in.
Well time to take my pill and try to settle down. I pray, pray, pray I can have a good rest tonight and that I can wake up for classes tomorrow. I'm really scared that my grades are going to suffer after so many missed classes. But, my health is first. That's for sure.
Goodnight<3
Sunday, February 25, 2007
can we climb this mountain? i know we can make it if we take this slow...
i'm confused
i dont really know what i want
i want you
but i don't want someone
who might not want me back
it seems like i'm asking
for a sure thing
but i assure you
i just want a something
or rather, a someone
i enjoy mystery
i enjoy surprise
i enjoy the unpredictable!
but honey, not the doubtful
life is full of unexpected things
i'm finding that out
day after day
week after week
but you have to understand
i am in need of something solid
give me firm ground
to stand on
once i have that
i can look you in the eyes
and be sure
that you're looking back at me
all the while knowing
the unknown is ahead of us
the uncertain around us
and something special between us.
i dont really know what i want
i want you
but i don't want someone
who might not want me back
it seems like i'm asking
for a sure thing
but i assure you
i just want a something
or rather, a someone
i enjoy mystery
i enjoy surprise
i enjoy the unpredictable!
but honey, not the doubtful
life is full of unexpected things
i'm finding that out
day after day
week after week
but you have to understand
i am in need of something solid
give me firm ground
to stand on
once i have that
i can look you in the eyes
and be sure
that you're looking back at me
all the while knowing
the unknown is ahead of us
the uncertain around us
and something special between us.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
and whispers, "hello I miss you quite terribly."
tonight, my pen
moves fluidly across this page
marking what is clinging
to my overflowing brain.
with each line
I digress furthermore
down an unpaved road
of uncertain things,
like you.
I'm writing to you again
words you will never hear
not from me at least
I write letters to you
that you will never receive
in envelopes that don't exist
I'm writing my thoughts
strung sloppily into sentences
and they just float in the air
circling around my head at first
then flying softly around the room
before settling somewhere
near my lips
not on them, but nearby
just in case I see you one day
and my sloppily-strung sentences
all spill out for your ears to hear.
but chances are,
that won't ever happen
so my words curl up
and get comfortable around my lips
keeping one eye open
just in case
and the other eye closed
...just another poem about you,
uncertain you.
moves fluidly across this page
marking what is clinging
to my overflowing brain.
with each line
I digress furthermore
down an unpaved road
of uncertain things,
like you.
I'm writing to you again
words you will never hear
not from me at least
I write letters to you
that you will never receive
in envelopes that don't exist
I'm writing my thoughts
strung sloppily into sentences
and they just float in the air
circling around my head at first
then flying softly around the room
before settling somewhere
near my lips
not on them, but nearby
just in case I see you one day
and my sloppily-strung sentences
all spill out for your ears to hear.
but chances are,
that won't ever happen
so my words curl up
and get comfortable around my lips
keeping one eye open
just in case
and the other eye closed
...just another poem about you,
uncertain you.
Friday, February 23, 2007
my thoughts on premarital sex.
my opinion on why people should not have premarital sex...
Sex is a sacred, intimate act that is meant to be shared between a man and woman under a covenant of marriage. God MADE us to do it that way. We are made to share it with our spouse and only our spouse. Having sex with someone who is just your girlfriend or just your boyfriend has deep, impacting consequences. By having premarital sex, people who aren't meant to be together end up thinking they should be together and stay together BECAUSE they shared something SO intimate and SACRED with each other. So here the two of you are. You are terrible for one another and shouldn't be together, not now- maybe not ever, but most certainly not NOW. But here you are, not able to let each other go. You both know why, you don't need anyone else to TELL you. You know it's because of having premarital sex and losing your virginity to each other. Now you can't let each other go, when everything else has fallen apart between the two of you... you think you have some kind of special love together because you guys shared sex. So you did share an intimate, sacred thing together... understandable. But you can both start anew, fresh, clean. You can start new if you would just let each other go. Because sex doesn't hold a relationship together- LOVE does. And true love comes from God. God meant for sex to come only under a covenant-- a PROMISE-- of marriage between a man and a woman. You did not have sex the way God made us to have it, so you won't find any true love and you don't share true love- you just shared a sexual experience. Nothing more, nothing less. It was meant to be SO much more. So much more. That's what I think at least...
El Fin!
Sex is a sacred, intimate act that is meant to be shared between a man and woman under a covenant of marriage. God MADE us to do it that way. We are made to share it with our spouse and only our spouse. Having sex with someone who is just your girlfriend or just your boyfriend has deep, impacting consequences. By having premarital sex, people who aren't meant to be together end up thinking they should be together and stay together BECAUSE they shared something SO intimate and SACRED with each other. So here the two of you are. You are terrible for one another and shouldn't be together, not now- maybe not ever, but most certainly not NOW. But here you are, not able to let each other go. You both know why, you don't need anyone else to TELL you. You know it's because of having premarital sex and losing your virginity to each other. Now you can't let each other go, when everything else has fallen apart between the two of you... you think you have some kind of special love together because you guys shared sex. So you did share an intimate, sacred thing together... understandable. But you can both start anew, fresh, clean. You can start new if you would just let each other go. Because sex doesn't hold a relationship together- LOVE does. And true love comes from God. God meant for sex to come only under a covenant-- a PROMISE-- of marriage between a man and a woman. You did not have sex the way God made us to have it, so you won't find any true love and you don't share true love- you just shared a sexual experience. Nothing more, nothing less. It was meant to be SO much more. So much more. That's what I think at least...
El Fin!
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
man now look at you, your heart is big enough for two
so I spent another night last night not being able to fall asleep for a good hour or so once I got in bed. I started thinking about all the people that I know, that I've met, the people in my "network" if you will. I went through as many people as I could, starting with the people I'm closest with and such, and thought about the one word or phrase I could associate with each person if I could only choose one word or phrase to describe them. Or, maybe not really to describe them, but it's like you think of that person and what word or phrase comes to mind right away. It's weird how everyone kind of has their role in the group, and it's different from everyone else's roles. And like, yeah there are a ton of similarities between people, I mean just because you associate one person with this word doesn't mean no one else fits that word either... it's just not the FIRST thing you think of when you think of that individual. so, I guess this is what I came up with:
myself- the laughter
Aubrey- the beauty
Natalie- the loyal one
Caely- the halfboy brain
Sam- the mom
Cort- the grandpa
Zach- the critical one
Austin- the heart
Erin- the smart one
Jamie- the artist
Mitch- the quiet one
Bryan- the brother
JR- the social one
Andy- the rebellious one
Lindsey- the style
Kayla- the listener
Adam- the realist
Jared- the cynical one
Matt- the poet
Tommy- the family guy
Tim- the thinker
James- the music critic
Foster- the frat boy
Curtis- the athlete
Alex B.- the singer
Luke- the gentle one
Ben B.- the rational one
Heidi- the independent one
Steve- the sarcasm
Brek- the shocker
Chris- the disgruntled one
Laina- the witty one
Catherine- the southern one
Josh- the storyteller
Well that's all I've got for now. weird.
myself- the laughter
Aubrey- the beauty
Natalie- the loyal one
Caely- the halfboy brain
Sam- the mom
Cort- the grandpa
Zach- the critical one
Austin- the heart
Erin- the smart one
Jamie- the artist
Mitch- the quiet one
Bryan- the brother
JR- the social one
Andy- the rebellious one
Lindsey- the style
Kayla- the listener
Adam- the realist
Jared- the cynical one
Matt- the poet
Tommy- the family guy
Tim- the thinker
James- the music critic
Foster- the frat boy
Curtis- the athlete
Alex B.- the singer
Luke- the gentle one
Ben B.- the rational one
Heidi- the independent one
Steve- the sarcasm
Brek- the shocker
Chris- the disgruntled one
Laina- the witty one
Catherine- the southern one
Josh- the storyteller
Well that's all I've got for now. weird.
Monday, February 19, 2007
grades are irritating
sometimes.... i hate grades. i hate that they make me feel so bad if they aren't the grade that i thought i should get, or the grade i hoped for. maybe i should stop "hoping" when it comes to grades. grades are grades, they're numbers and letters that tell what your testing performance is in a certain subject area. usually i'm all for grades, like, i would hate not having grades at all in school. but, i don't think school should be ALL about grades and what your GPA is, i don't think that at all. i think it's more about the learning and the experiencing that actually matters, to put it simply, but reality is you have to take exams and quizzes, and therefore you have to deal with grades. for me, grades make me want to do better in school because i have a competitive spirit that drives me to want to "outplay" my opponents (everyone else in the class). this makes school very appealing to me, and it's why i like school. but the main reason i like school is because of the experiences i get from it, and because i learn new things. my learning is hindered when i'm being taught something that i've already learned... even if it's in a new or different approach to it, i just get bored. my poli sci 215 class is a perfect example of that. i can't stand it, even though i freaking LOVE the subject- american government. it's so hard for me to make myself get up and go to that class, because i can basically teach the book to myself and get a better grade on the exam than i do trying to learn from the class and the professor teaching me the book and such. i have proof of that too. ugh, it's just irritating. anyway, the whole point of me writing right now is to rant about how i hate grades sometimes.
i hate getting on webCT and checking my grades for an exam i just took, just to come to find that i didn't do as well as i thought i did. then i go through the motions-- i think to myself, wait... but i really thought i understood the material, this grade does not reflect my actual performance in this subject.... i think, well i've never been a very "good" test-taker... i get all nervous and anxious and can't think very clearly. blah blah blah. same thing every time.
all in all, grades just suck sometimes. like, the fact that they exist. and the fact that i really do take them to heart sometimes.
i hate getting on webCT and checking my grades for an exam i just took, just to come to find that i didn't do as well as i thought i did. then i go through the motions-- i think to myself, wait... but i really thought i understood the material, this grade does not reflect my actual performance in this subject.... i think, well i've never been a very "good" test-taker... i get all nervous and anxious and can't think very clearly. blah blah blah. same thing every time.
all in all, grades just suck sometimes. like, the fact that they exist. and the fact that i really do take them to heart sometimes.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
the impossible is possible tonight
I don't know if my recent surge of thoughts has occurred because of circumstances surrounding my life lately, or not. Regardless of the answer to that, it has happened. Something inside of me has caused me to feel really strongly about the power and influence of having someone believe in you. Especially from the people within your "inner circle", or in sociology-talk, your "primary group." I've always been one to believe in self-sufficiency and one's personal responsibility, and how important it is to develop a strong sense of both of those as you grow up and take on more responsibilities. Dictionary.com's definition of 'self-sufficient' was, "having extreme confidence in one's own resources, power, etc." Personal responsibility is regarding your own responsibility to yourself... your initiative, your obligation, or duty that you have to yourself. So I have a strong sense of those things, a strong desire to be self-sufficient in my life and to be responsible for myself, for my actions, for my words, for everything that I do. Because, after all, I am an individual and I am 18, which means I am legally old enough to live on my own and be completely on my own. But I have had that desire influenced upon me, and you can also say I learned from seeing it around me... which goes along with a psychologist by the name of Bandura, whose Social Cognitive Theory was based upon the fact that we can learn everything from observation. Anyway, though I still find these two values to be extremely valuable and important, I've been thinking a lot about something else.
Lately, if I hear someone say, "oh you won't be able to do that, no way..." in response to someone who wants to try something new, I get really upset about it. Let's call the person saying "you won't be able to do that" Person A. Person B is the person that wants to try to do something, the thing that Person A doesn't think they'll be able to do. Person A and Person B are very, very close friends, practically brother and sister. So they have a very honest relationship, no doubt about that. Person A is a realist for the most part, and in this situation is definitely thinking realistically, rationally, and logically... because in all honesty, Person B's chances of achieving their goal are slim if you think about it logically and rationally. BUT.. by Person A responding like that, how does that affect Person B? Does it make them decide not to even try at all, because, after all, Person A does know them very well and is just being honest with them when he said he doesn't think she'll be able to do the thing she wants to try. Does it make Person A feel good, though? Does it build Person A up, or down? Knowing that someone extremely close to you doesn't believe you can do something difficult and maybe near impossible (but not impossible alltogether), doesn't really affect you positively, does it? Especially if Person B is not a person of great self-esteem, that's important. Or, is Person A just saving Person B from failure? But don't people learn from failure? Isn't failure necessary to succeed later on, sometimes? Does not determination come from failure, sometimes? The point is that success CAN happen from a past failure. But if you don't even try, and you don't experience that failure, does that mean the success from reaching a desired goal was cut off before it even began?
I just think that believing in someone who is within your close group of relationships in your life is more important sometimes than shooting them down without giving them a chance to see what happens. Go ahead and be bluntly honest and upfront about the situation at hand, please, but maybe the best thing isn't looking at the huge chance of Person B failing, but looking at the fact that there's a chance they won't.
I choose to believe in people, and believe in their potential.
just stuff that's been on my mind lately.
I end this blog with lyrics from The Smashing Pumpkins:
Lately, if I hear someone say, "oh you won't be able to do that, no way..." in response to someone who wants to try something new, I get really upset about it. Let's call the person saying "you won't be able to do that" Person A. Person B is the person that wants to try to do something, the thing that Person A doesn't think they'll be able to do. Person A and Person B are very, very close friends, practically brother and sister. So they have a very honest relationship, no doubt about that. Person A is a realist for the most part, and in this situation is definitely thinking realistically, rationally, and logically... because in all honesty, Person B's chances of achieving their goal are slim if you think about it logically and rationally. BUT.. by Person A responding like that, how does that affect Person B? Does it make them decide not to even try at all, because, after all, Person A does know them very well and is just being honest with them when he said he doesn't think she'll be able to do the thing she wants to try. Does it make Person A feel good, though? Does it build Person A up, or down? Knowing that someone extremely close to you doesn't believe you can do something difficult and maybe near impossible (but not impossible alltogether), doesn't really affect you positively, does it? Especially if Person B is not a person of great self-esteem, that's important. Or, is Person A just saving Person B from failure? But don't people learn from failure? Isn't failure necessary to succeed later on, sometimes? Does not determination come from failure, sometimes? The point is that success CAN happen from a past failure. But if you don't even try, and you don't experience that failure, does that mean the success from reaching a desired goal was cut off before it even began?
I just think that believing in someone who is within your close group of relationships in your life is more important sometimes than shooting them down without giving them a chance to see what happens. Go ahead and be bluntly honest and upfront about the situation at hand, please, but maybe the best thing isn't looking at the huge chance of Person B failing, but looking at the fact that there's a chance they won't.
I choose to believe in people, and believe in their potential.
just stuff that's been on my mind lately.
I end this blog with lyrics from The Smashing Pumpkins:
"We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight.
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as i believe in you..."
<3
Who am I according to Professor Dan, the Sociologist?
ok, so in my Sociology class today, we talked about social control in everyday life and things surrounding that topic. My prof had us write down 20 things really quickly, literally he gave us like a minute to write them down, answering the prompt, "Who Am I?" Just words or phrases that came to our minds in that short amount of time... I only got about 14 done when he told us to stop and we discussed our answers. This is what I ended up writing, and in this order:
1. Lover of God
2. follower of Christ
3. friend
4. daughter
5. sister
6. student
7. artist
8. athlete
9. sinner
10. enthusiastic
11. funny
12. disease-stricken
13. competitive
14. prideful
According to my prof, this is a common test that sociologists use, and the results show us the difference between traditional society and modern society (or, postmodern some say) that we live in today. The number one thing we wrote down is what is called our "Master Status." In modern society, it is common for women to have something associated with their family role as their master status, and for men it was common to have something associated with their job or school role as their master status. Whereas, in traditional society, it was simply the family clan for both genders as their master status. Out of the 20 (or so) things we wrote down, we were supposed to categorize them in these four ways-- Roles (daughter, friend), Biological (disease-stricken), Psychological (enthusiastic, funny), and something he called Oceanic (which I don't have any of). I thought this was an interesting little test thing.
Anyway, my prof went on to finish talking about social control in everyday life... and he brought up this slide he had titled, "The Modern 'Divided Self'," and went on to explain that in modernity, there is no way one person can be a completely "good student" and at the same time be a "good religious/moral person." We have so many different social roles that we play, that it pulls us apart. Modern society creates its own set of moral rules, and they're so distinct that you cannot live in modernity with traditional moral rules. That was the claim he made (he always makes a claim that is the main concept of that day's lesson). Moving on to other slides, he showed us a slide on William Isaac Thomas, who wrote a book with his wife that took a whole new view on morality in traditional vs. modern societies. The two things that came from the book were- 1.) things defined as real are real in their consequences, and 2.) it was the first systematic thorough theory of the "social construction of reality". So, basically, something isn't real unless you think it is? You construct your own reality, your own truth? You make true something, it isn't just true? Why does it seem like we just throw around the word "truth" like it's of the same value of saying a word like "cool"?? Why does it make me mad?
I'll probably come back to this post and add more... or just make another one tonight. Probably. I'd like to.
But now I have to go walk to Lebaron Hall and take my first Soc. 134 exam, and get an A on it. Then I have to come back and study for my third test this week, which is tomorrow morning. As well as... do my homework for both of my classes tomorrow. Sweet action..
:-(
1. Lover of God
2. follower of Christ
3. friend
4. daughter
5. sister
6. student
7. artist
8. athlete
9. sinner
10. enthusiastic
11. funny
12. disease-stricken
13. competitive
14. prideful
According to my prof, this is a common test that sociologists use, and the results show us the difference between traditional society and modern society (or, postmodern some say) that we live in today. The number one thing we wrote down is what is called our "Master Status." In modern society, it is common for women to have something associated with their family role as their master status, and for men it was common to have something associated with their job or school role as their master status. Whereas, in traditional society, it was simply the family clan for both genders as their master status. Out of the 20 (or so) things we wrote down, we were supposed to categorize them in these four ways-- Roles (daughter, friend), Biological (disease-stricken), Psychological (enthusiastic, funny), and something he called Oceanic (which I don't have any of). I thought this was an interesting little test thing.
Anyway, my prof went on to finish talking about social control in everyday life... and he brought up this slide he had titled, "The Modern 'Divided Self'," and went on to explain that in modernity, there is no way one person can be a completely "good student" and at the same time be a "good religious/moral person." We have so many different social roles that we play, that it pulls us apart. Modern society creates its own set of moral rules, and they're so distinct that you cannot live in modernity with traditional moral rules. That was the claim he made (he always makes a claim that is the main concept of that day's lesson). Moving on to other slides, he showed us a slide on William Isaac Thomas, who wrote a book with his wife that took a whole new view on morality in traditional vs. modern societies. The two things that came from the book were- 1.) things defined as real are real in their consequences, and 2.) it was the first systematic thorough theory of the "social construction of reality". So, basically, something isn't real unless you think it is? You construct your own reality, your own truth? You make true something, it isn't just true? Why does it seem like we just throw around the word "truth" like it's of the same value of saying a word like "cool"?? Why does it make me mad?
I'll probably come back to this post and add more... or just make another one tonight. Probably. I'd like to.
But now I have to go walk to Lebaron Hall and take my first Soc. 134 exam, and get an A on it. Then I have to come back and study for my third test this week, which is tomorrow morning. As well as... do my homework for both of my classes tomorrow. Sweet action..
:-(
Thursday, February 08, 2007
yeah, you know that I adore you
I have not been productive, motivated, or responsible this week. Today was probably a low point. But, I can honestly say it's going uphill from here... and I could not have gotten to this realization without the help from my friends I got today. I don't know what I would've done without them. So this is basically in dedication to the ones who got me through today so that I can start being motivated, productive, and responsible...
Zach, you talked to me on the phone for a half an hour this afternoon, and mostly you just listened to me vent and explain and release. That took a lot of patience and a lot of kindness. I was being impossible and negative, but you stayed on the phone long enough for me to come to the decision that I did. You pushed me to get outside and take a run, even if it was just for 15 minutes, and that changed my entire outlook. You didn't really even push me, you just were there for me and that made me want to push myself. I can't really explain it. You didn't give me any magic words, any profound advice, but you gave me support I guess. And that was enough. It made me want to DO something... which has been an amazing struggle for me for weeks. It made me want to do something that I liked, that would make me happy, something that was good for my body.
So after I jogged, I went to dinner with Kayla, Zach, JR, and Mike. After dinner, I checked my friend Andrew's english paper while I sat in Steve's room, and watched the movie Behind Enemy Lines while he rested. Andrew even gave me a mountain dew for checking his paper. Then Steve and I played Guitar Hero II for a while. At 10, I walked over to Birch for Snack Time. AKA.......FAT TIME!!! haha. Snack Time consisted of Kayla, Josh, Josh's roommate Steve, JR, Mike, Zach, Zach and Mike's friend Liz, and myself hanging out in Zach & Mike's room and eating lots and lots of food... triscuits, oreos, brownies that JR's grandma made, and LOTS of chocolate. For two and a half hours, I was with my friends, and those two and a half hours were enough to change something inside of me. When I wake up tomorrow, things are going to be different. For the better. I promise.
I end this with lyrics from one of my favorite bands in the whole world....The Rocket Summer!
Cause I'm doing everything for you
Cause I love to be near you
Something just takes me away to a place where I'm happy
Cause I'm doing everything for you
Yeah you know that I adore you
And I just can't take it anymore.
--"I'm Doing Everything (For You)"
Zach, you talked to me on the phone for a half an hour this afternoon, and mostly you just listened to me vent and explain and release. That took a lot of patience and a lot of kindness. I was being impossible and negative, but you stayed on the phone long enough for me to come to the decision that I did. You pushed me to get outside and take a run, even if it was just for 15 minutes, and that changed my entire outlook. You didn't really even push me, you just were there for me and that made me want to push myself. I can't really explain it. You didn't give me any magic words, any profound advice, but you gave me support I guess. And that was enough. It made me want to DO something... which has been an amazing struggle for me for weeks. It made me want to do something that I liked, that would make me happy, something that was good for my body.
So after I jogged, I went to dinner with Kayla, Zach, JR, and Mike. After dinner, I checked my friend Andrew's english paper while I sat in Steve's room, and watched the movie Behind Enemy Lines while he rested. Andrew even gave me a mountain dew for checking his paper. Then Steve and I played Guitar Hero II for a while. At 10, I walked over to Birch for Snack Time. AKA.......FAT TIME!!! haha. Snack Time consisted of Kayla, Josh, Josh's roommate Steve, JR, Mike, Zach, Zach and Mike's friend Liz, and myself hanging out in Zach & Mike's room and eating lots and lots of food... triscuits, oreos, brownies that JR's grandma made, and LOTS of chocolate. For two and a half hours, I was with my friends, and those two and a half hours were enough to change something inside of me. When I wake up tomorrow, things are going to be different. For the better. I promise.
I end this with lyrics from one of my favorite bands in the whole world....The Rocket Summer!
Cause I'm doing everything for you
Cause I love to be near you
Something just takes me away to a place where I'm happy
Cause I'm doing everything for you
Yeah you know that I adore you
And I just can't take it anymore.
--"I'm Doing Everything (For You)"
Man, I just saw something. I'm glad that you are here.
I got to start to thinking, and seeing things so clear.
'Cus now how could i forget what she left?
What happened in November is what i needed.
And i'm sorry that it shows, but life ain't so bad you know?
And now the sky is such a sweet blue,
and you made this come true,
and my heart feels so new.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)
It's now wonderful to see beautiful views
like skies that are so blue.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)
I'll never leave this you know.
I'd turn it off for this.
It looks like we got what we wished.
It snowed in Texas but you missed (first time since '86)
and i can't stop thinking how wonderful this is.
And i'm sorry i sound glad, but why always be so sad?
And now the sky is such a sweet blue,
and you made this come true,
and my heart feels so new.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)
It's now wonderful to see beautiful views
like skies that are so blue.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)
And i know that sometimes oh i might feel alone, so broke, and cold.
But now i'll show that i know
that the sky is such a sweet blue,
and you made this come true,
and my heart feels so new.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)
It's now wonderful to see beautiful views
like skies that are so blue.
(woah-oh, woah-oh, woah, woah, woah-oh)
I'll never leave this you know.
--"Skies So Blue"
Monday, February 05, 2007
I know we never get things right, and it gets so old just saying we'll keep trying...
Well, it was a pretty eventful weekend. As my mom called it, "well that's life." Let downs, unexpected changes, personal failures, friendly conversations, instability, stupid girl moods & emotions, patient & supporting friends, chances and decisions... they all made their way into my weekend somehow, and more.
I found out several things about myself. Like, it is possible for me to be mean to Zach and really upset him. Didn't know that prior to this weekend. Zach is always the one upsetting me and having to set things right- until this weekend. I also found out that large doses of responsibility and heavy decision-making generally do not sit well with me at all... mixed with my lack of motivation, easily-overwhelmed current state of mind, and tendency to procrastinate at everything, it's a recipe for failure and disappointment. I have known for many years now the extent to which I put pressure on myself, enough to make anyone break and buckle with the weight pressing in on them at all sides. That was nothing new, but, still significant. Last Friday I was the epitomy of the unstable, stupid girl who can't control her emotions. Then, upon waking Saturday morning, it was as if someone should have been singing "she can see clearly now, the rain is gone," because all the sudden everything that was a mess the day before, was clear as day in my mind. I was thinking rationally and logically, with a confident sense of clarity. Sometimes I wish I could do that everyday- but life wouldn't be nearly as exciting without all the ups and downs, would it? And how would we ever grow?
Anyway, i don't feel good today. don't know why. i'm just nauseous and stuff. i don't like it.
i need to get better in the next 5 hours, because I have the Matt Wertz show at the M-shop to go to tonight.
I bought a bunch of movies to add to my dvd collection this weekend with a Best Buy gift card from Christmas:
1. Crash (amazing)
2. William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet (the modern version... it's sweet)
3. X-Men 3: The Last Stand (YEAH BABY!!!)
4. Just Friends (i love ryan reynolds)
5. Fight Club (classic)
6. The Notebook (what can i say... i love the love stories)
7. Big Fish (aww i just love it..)
8. She's The Man (ahahaha)
I also bought 2 books from Barnes & Noble with yet another gift card from Christmas:
1. A Year with C.S. Lewis- Daily Readings from His Classic Works (dahhh!! so good)
2. Sifting Through The Madness For The Word, The Line, The Way-- New Poems by Charles Bukowski. (thanks Lindsey!)
the end.
I found out several things about myself. Like, it is possible for me to be mean to Zach and really upset him. Didn't know that prior to this weekend. Zach is always the one upsetting me and having to set things right- until this weekend. I also found out that large doses of responsibility and heavy decision-making generally do not sit well with me at all... mixed with my lack of motivation, easily-overwhelmed current state of mind, and tendency to procrastinate at everything, it's a recipe for failure and disappointment. I have known for many years now the extent to which I put pressure on myself, enough to make anyone break and buckle with the weight pressing in on them at all sides. That was nothing new, but, still significant. Last Friday I was the epitomy of the unstable, stupid girl who can't control her emotions. Then, upon waking Saturday morning, it was as if someone should have been singing "she can see clearly now, the rain is gone," because all the sudden everything that was a mess the day before, was clear as day in my mind. I was thinking rationally and logically, with a confident sense of clarity. Sometimes I wish I could do that everyday- but life wouldn't be nearly as exciting without all the ups and downs, would it? And how would we ever grow?
Anyway, i don't feel good today. don't know why. i'm just nauseous and stuff. i don't like it.
i need to get better in the next 5 hours, because I have the Matt Wertz show at the M-shop to go to tonight.
I bought a bunch of movies to add to my dvd collection this weekend with a Best Buy gift card from Christmas:
1. Crash (amazing)
2. William Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet (the modern version... it's sweet)
3. X-Men 3: The Last Stand (YEAH BABY!!!)
4. Just Friends (i love ryan reynolds)
5. Fight Club (classic)
6. The Notebook (what can i say... i love the love stories)
7. Big Fish (aww i just love it..)
8. She's The Man (ahahaha)
I also bought 2 books from Barnes & Noble with yet another gift card from Christmas:
1. A Year with C.S. Lewis- Daily Readings from His Classic Works (dahhh!! so good)
2. Sifting Through The Madness For The Word, The Line, The Way-- New Poems by Charles Bukowski. (thanks Lindsey!)
the end.
Friday, February 02, 2007
knock me out and let me go back to sleep...
this has quickly just turned into one of the crappiest days i've had in the past 6 months- easy.
but everyone else will be ecstatic to know i will not be going on a cruise now.
but everyone else will be ecstatic to know i will not be going on a cruise now.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
i guess, i remember every glance you shot me
sometimes when i listen to a certain song, i just go crazy. my blood pumps faster, my heart beats harder. it's as if something is twirling around inside of me and messing up all my nerves. it's like each note in the song actually hits me and sets me in motion- my thoughts, my feelings, everything. when i hear that familiar chord, or that anticipated key change in a certain song, it's like it pushes a button inside of my brain and all the sudden i feel chills moving all throughout my body, through my vessels, my muscles, my bones. Like pouring a glass of ice-cold water on the top of my head, and feeling it move down my body. It makes me twinge and cringe. i just feel so much from music sometimes. maybe it's because i listened to a song during a certain time in my life that evokes a lot of emotion when i remember it now. or maybe it's because the words in the song are the same words going through my own heart and mind at the moment. maybe the melody of the song reminds me of a scene in a movie that is during a particularly strong emotional part. maybe the chord progression makes me think of a memory where that same chord progression could have been the soundtrack to my life back then.
if it's not any of the possibilities i have just suggested, why do some songs, or some melodies of songs, or certain verses or choruses of songs cause me to think of a particular person? and when i think of that person, why does it seem like i'm all the sudden back to the time that i'm reminded of in connection to the song and to the person? will it ever go away? will there always be more songs that cause me to think of someone automatically, without even consciously doing it? why am i soothed by the fact that a certain song i listen to brings me back to another time entirely, and brings me back to a person just by mere memory? why do i put the song on repeat a million times? do i just need to get my fill, and then go another few years without hearing the song, then maybe play it randomly one day and fall back into that time once again with that person?
now for something completely different. -
i've thought for a while that i'm weak and vulnerable when it comes to certain... situations, with certain people. or, rather, a certain person and a certain situation- no plurality needed. and i was. or, i am. right? ...
it was hard enough for me to let go. it was hard enough for me to stop, to drop, to be so cautious. but i needed to be like that. i had to do it. because i WAS weak and unable to control my feelings. i hated time because it meant more letting go and less holding on. but then i found myself loving all the time that passed. because it helped. i was growing stronger. then, there were moments where i lost my strength. it was like taking one step forward and two steps back, over and over again it seemed. i've had so many people on my side, cheering me on in my separation from this situation. they've held me accountable and been there for me when i broke down. but something has changed inside of me.
it's like, all the sudden, i'm ready for something more. i'm ready to move on. i'm ready for the next challenge-- i thrive on challenges, i need them. i think the next challenge for me is to put myself out there... to throw myself into the middle of the situation and see what happens, see if i sink or swim. you wanna know why i feel this way all the sudden? no, it's not because i'm being stupid and i'm not "ready". it's because i need you to believe in me. i need to know that you think i can be stronger than this situation. sometimes i just need to hold onto the belief in myself that i won't break in two when i'm being tested or pressured... but i need you to believe it too. my confidence doesn't come from myself or the people around me, it comes from my Father in heaven. its not that i dont have confidence, but sometimes i just wish you could believe in me, and believe that i'm stronger than the situation that used to bring me down so much and so hard before. i dont know if i'm really "READY", i dont know if this is a good idea, i dont even know if i've put myself in danger here-- but i do know that everything happens for a reason. everything i go through makes me stronger than before. every test, every trial, every success and failure- they happen to teach me something, they happen because they're supposed to and i can live better because of them.
i know i may not make much sense. but the important thing is that i have this off my chest, because it's been killing me this week.
on the bottom of all of this, there is happiness. i am so happy right now. my heart is jumping for joy. and whether or not it's going to fall later on doesn't matter to me much right now, because if we live in fear we aren't really living. you cant let fear control your life. there are times that call for cautiousness, prudence, patience, and the like, but then there are times where all you can do is dive head first into the pool and hope for jello and not hot lava. (ive always wanted to jump into a pool of jello... that would be absolutely amazing). the point is, life is for living and dreaming and hoping, not for fearing. that's all.
---
i dont have my 9:00 music listening class tomorrow!!!!! i dont have it tomorrow OR monday. YAY!!! so i only have my 10 oclock Sociology class. boo yah! hahah.
Steve leaves early-ish tomorrow to go back to Illinois for the weekend... :-(
and i'm heading home with Zach probably early afternoon for WDM.
sigh.
goodnight.
if it's not any of the possibilities i have just suggested, why do some songs, or some melodies of songs, or certain verses or choruses of songs cause me to think of a particular person? and when i think of that person, why does it seem like i'm all the sudden back to the time that i'm reminded of in connection to the song and to the person? will it ever go away? will there always be more songs that cause me to think of someone automatically, without even consciously doing it? why am i soothed by the fact that a certain song i listen to brings me back to another time entirely, and brings me back to a person just by mere memory? why do i put the song on repeat a million times? do i just need to get my fill, and then go another few years without hearing the song, then maybe play it randomly one day and fall back into that time once again with that person?
now for something completely different. -
i've thought for a while that i'm weak and vulnerable when it comes to certain... situations, with certain people. or, rather, a certain person and a certain situation- no plurality needed. and i was. or, i am. right? ...
it was hard enough for me to let go. it was hard enough for me to stop, to drop, to be so cautious. but i needed to be like that. i had to do it. because i WAS weak and unable to control my feelings. i hated time because it meant more letting go and less holding on. but then i found myself loving all the time that passed. because it helped. i was growing stronger. then, there were moments where i lost my strength. it was like taking one step forward and two steps back, over and over again it seemed. i've had so many people on my side, cheering me on in my separation from this situation. they've held me accountable and been there for me when i broke down. but something has changed inside of me.
it's like, all the sudden, i'm ready for something more. i'm ready to move on. i'm ready for the next challenge-- i thrive on challenges, i need them. i think the next challenge for me is to put myself out there... to throw myself into the middle of the situation and see what happens, see if i sink or swim. you wanna know why i feel this way all the sudden? no, it's not because i'm being stupid and i'm not "ready". it's because i need you to believe in me. i need to know that you think i can be stronger than this situation. sometimes i just need to hold onto the belief in myself that i won't break in two when i'm being tested or pressured... but i need you to believe it too. my confidence doesn't come from myself or the people around me, it comes from my Father in heaven. its not that i dont have confidence, but sometimes i just wish you could believe in me, and believe that i'm stronger than the situation that used to bring me down so much and so hard before. i dont know if i'm really "READY", i dont know if this is a good idea, i dont even know if i've put myself in danger here-- but i do know that everything happens for a reason. everything i go through makes me stronger than before. every test, every trial, every success and failure- they happen to teach me something, they happen because they're supposed to and i can live better because of them.
i know i may not make much sense. but the important thing is that i have this off my chest, because it's been killing me this week.
on the bottom of all of this, there is happiness. i am so happy right now. my heart is jumping for joy. and whether or not it's going to fall later on doesn't matter to me much right now, because if we live in fear we aren't really living. you cant let fear control your life. there are times that call for cautiousness, prudence, patience, and the like, but then there are times where all you can do is dive head first into the pool and hope for jello and not hot lava. (ive always wanted to jump into a pool of jello... that would be absolutely amazing). the point is, life is for living and dreaming and hoping, not for fearing. that's all.
---
i dont have my 9:00 music listening class tomorrow!!!!! i dont have it tomorrow OR monday. YAY!!! so i only have my 10 oclock Sociology class. boo yah! hahah.
Steve leaves early-ish tomorrow to go back to Illinois for the weekend... :-(
and i'm heading home with Zach probably early afternoon for WDM.
sigh.
goodnight.
THE BEST NEWS EVER...
Today has turned out to be one of the best days of my life!
But before I get to the super good part... let me share with you some highlights of my day thus far. In my Developmental Psych class, the lecture was on childbirth. It was actually very interesting, and fun to hear my professor tell us the story of his wife giving birth to their son. But then... we had to watch a video. Oh yes. A video. And this video was a video of the stages of childbirth, to go along with what we talked about in class of course. To go a little further though, we actually saw a baby come out of this woman, Sally. It was grotesque. Now, on the one hand, when they had the baby actually cleaned up and looking cute and everything- after the whole giving birth thing- I got a warm fuzzy feeling inside of me, and thought about how amazing it will be to give birth to a real human being and see the creation of a new life come into this world. I was amazed at all the little movements of the baby and the little things it would do that just made me melt, because I could see God's handiwork right there in that little baby that just came out of a freaking person! geez! Ok... so, yeah, on the OTHER hand... when they showed the part of the baby actually coming out... my friend Kate and I almost puked a little I think. It was disgusting. I'm being completely mature when I say this by the way. It was absolutely gross. We saw EVERYTHING. And that means.... the placenta. Oh yeah. We saw the "birth of the placenta." It looked like a disgusting, slimy, octopus or squid of some sort. SICK!!!!!! yuck yuck yuck.
Basically... after class, Kate and I were in a solemn state of complete disgustedness. I couldnt help it. Like, thank goodness for no premarital sex and morals, because I just could NOT pop a baby out right now. I'm so glad I'm not going to have to deal with that until I'm older. Seriously... I'm SUPER glad that God decided we should be married first. Because, lets be honest, I'm not gonna be getting married for a while, and when I do (if I do) get married, I'll be ready for a baby and all the gross, disgusting, sick, nasty stuff that comes with giving birth. Until then... I'm going to enjoy my virginity and the fact that I dont have a freaking placenta squid inside of my womb right now.
---
Ok, now that I got that part of my day out of the way......... I'm going to explain why this is the best day of my life! ha.
I AM GOING ON A CRUISE FOR SPRING BREAK WITH ADAM AND HIS FAMILY.
nobody needs to worry about anything... you know what I mean by that.
I am SOOOOOOOOOO excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's actually the week before Iowa State's actual Spring Break... so I will miss a week a classes, but it's ok, I've checked my syllabi's and I'm going to be working super hard to prepare for missing that week. It's from March 4th to the 10th, and we're cruising the Eastern Caribbean... somewhere I have not been for many years now, and cant wait to go back to! I called my mom today and presented the opportunity to her the best I could, she talked it over with my dad, and they've decided it's ok for me to go, as long as I work really hard at school and get a job. I just have to work really, really hard and I can go and have this amazing, wonderful, beautiful, relaxing vacation with the Rhyne Family in my most FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, aka PARADISE. I cant believe this is actually going to happen. I'm so, so, so blown away. But this is an opportunity I will not pass up just because it won't be easy.
:-)
CANT stop smiling!
But before I get to the super good part... let me share with you some highlights of my day thus far. In my Developmental Psych class, the lecture was on childbirth. It was actually very interesting, and fun to hear my professor tell us the story of his wife giving birth to their son. But then... we had to watch a video. Oh yes. A video. And this video was a video of the stages of childbirth, to go along with what we talked about in class of course. To go a little further though, we actually saw a baby come out of this woman, Sally. It was grotesque. Now, on the one hand, when they had the baby actually cleaned up and looking cute and everything- after the whole giving birth thing- I got a warm fuzzy feeling inside of me, and thought about how amazing it will be to give birth to a real human being and see the creation of a new life come into this world. I was amazed at all the little movements of the baby and the little things it would do that just made me melt, because I could see God's handiwork right there in that little baby that just came out of a freaking person! geez! Ok... so, yeah, on the OTHER hand... when they showed the part of the baby actually coming out... my friend Kate and I almost puked a little I think. It was disgusting. I'm being completely mature when I say this by the way. It was absolutely gross. We saw EVERYTHING. And that means.... the placenta. Oh yeah. We saw the "birth of the placenta." It looked like a disgusting, slimy, octopus or squid of some sort. SICK!!!!!! yuck yuck yuck.
Basically... after class, Kate and I were in a solemn state of complete disgustedness. I couldnt help it. Like, thank goodness for no premarital sex and morals, because I just could NOT pop a baby out right now. I'm so glad I'm not going to have to deal with that until I'm older. Seriously... I'm SUPER glad that God decided we should be married first. Because, lets be honest, I'm not gonna be getting married for a while, and when I do (if I do) get married, I'll be ready for a baby and all the gross, disgusting, sick, nasty stuff that comes with giving birth. Until then... I'm going to enjoy my virginity and the fact that I dont have a freaking placenta squid inside of my womb right now.
---
Ok, now that I got that part of my day out of the way......... I'm going to explain why this is the best day of my life! ha.
I AM GOING ON A CRUISE FOR SPRING BREAK WITH ADAM AND HIS FAMILY.
nobody needs to worry about anything... you know what I mean by that.
I am SOOOOOOOOOO excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's actually the week before Iowa State's actual Spring Break... so I will miss a week a classes, but it's ok, I've checked my syllabi's and I'm going to be working super hard to prepare for missing that week. It's from March 4th to the 10th, and we're cruising the Eastern Caribbean... somewhere I have not been for many years now, and cant wait to go back to! I called my mom today and presented the opportunity to her the best I could, she talked it over with my dad, and they've decided it's ok for me to go, as long as I work really hard at school and get a job. I just have to work really, really hard and I can go and have this amazing, wonderful, beautiful, relaxing vacation with the Rhyne Family in my most FAVORITE PLACE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD, aka PARADISE. I cant believe this is actually going to happen. I'm so, so, so blown away. But this is an opportunity I will not pass up just because it won't be easy.
:-)
CANT stop smiling!
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
granny pants
So according to my friends, I am a grandma. I am G-ma Emily. They have decided this for a few reasons, some of which are that I say words like 'whipper snappers' and 'hooligans', I love soup and tea, and I guess my behavior in general sometimes.
Oh, and Lindsey has decided that I am...
a baby-eating, dog-knapping, kitty-sedating freak.. pretty much. hahahahahha.
I had so much fun at the show last night!
Oh, and Lindsey has decided that I am...
a baby-eating, dog-knapping, kitty-sedating freak.. pretty much. hahahahahha.
I had so much fun at the show last night!
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