Wednesday, November 28, 2007

if I could just breathe......

The second I got back to Ames, I felt like I could breathe again. It felt like being home, for real.

I OFFICIALLY passed that darn kidney stone that has been causing me THE WORST PAINS EVER for like the past 4 weeks.... I passed it today at about 2 oclock, precisely during my english class (the one with the biotch teacher who doesn't give a rat's behind whether i'm in pain or not). I felt like I had died. But, of course, I was alive and breathing, but in quite a lot of pain still because of the terrible muscle spasms I'm getting in my kidneys from passing the stone. Nick held me in his arms while I cried and yelled the pain out until the ibuprofen started working and i got weak and tired from the whole ordeal I had just been through.

I've been learning so much about life, and if I wasn't such an insomniac that was aware of said insomnia problem and aware of sleep being what I must do even though I am an insomniac.... then I would keep writing about what I've learned and what I am currently learning about life. however, i AM such an insomniac. so I'm taking my sleeping pill and calling it a night.

tomorrow's a big day for me. peace.

Thursday, November 22, 2007

"take these broken wings and learn to fly"

It's been a different kind of Thanksgiving Break for me this fall. Although the circumstances around me have changed, being thankful stays the same. I'm still extremely thankful for the life I have and the people in it. I'm so thankful for my God looking out for me and never leaving me alone during a time of great need and also during times of no particular need at all. I'm so grateful for His love, always flowing down to me, always being revealed to me in the people who care about me.

I can't lie- this has been a really hard day. It's been very depressing. I have to try with every fiber in my body to not let it get me down. I feel trapped in this house, suffocating from the tension and the restraint and the suppressed emotions that just want to burst out of me. I look outside and watch the snow blow around and settle down into the thick blanket of white freezing the ground and killing the plants underneath it. And it makes me think of the reality going on around me right now. Family hasn't been my definition of family for 5 or 6 years, but this time the meaning of family really isn't from my own "nuclear family" at all. If my "nuclear family unit" or whatever you like to call it, were the only sense of family I knew, I certainly wouldn't be the warm, friendly, loving person that I am right now. The portrait of the family has changed over time for me. Family in the sense that I know and love, comes from my "family" of friends that I am so blessed to have. The people that cook fettucini alfredo or macaroni n cheese and sit around watching The Office and drinking tea, that's my family. The people that I laugh with after a good "That's what she said" joke. The people that make me warm and happy on the inside, the ones that, no matter what I may be going through, can make me smile and feel good. THAT'S my family. The ones that I know are praying for me, are thinking about me, are caring about me by just one look into their eyes or one hug into their open arms. I love my family.

You know you have it good when you can sit and literally DO nothing, but feel in your heart a happiness and a joy just to be in the presence of people who reciprocate love and friendship. I have it better than most, I'd say.

It's hard to have this sudden (it may not seem sudden, but it feels that way to me) void in my heart, where I'm just very AWARE that I don't have a real family to go home to... not the kind of family that all my other friends talk about when they are getting ready to leave college for break to go back home to and celebrate a holiday with. But that's what it is, it's a void. It's this empty, blank spot in my heart. But it gets filled up in various ways.... like, Tuesday night when I drove out to Nick's dad's house and watched random tv shows with Nick and his dad, and then when his sisters and stepmom got home they were all there too. It felt like a family. Just sitting there on the couch, watching The Office and Dancing With The Stars, sipping hot cocoa and listening to Barb try to help Nick's little sister Megan with her school project. THe fire place was on. It was warm. It made me happy to see a real family and be around it for a while. That fills my void for the time being. Last night when Nick, Sam, Michelle, Scott, Caleb and I went to Immersion... that did it too. Looking down the row we filled, I felt like I was with my family. Then afterwards, we all went back to Scott's and went on an adventure to make the perfect dinner by getting a bunch of food at Wal-mart... we made fettucini alfredo with chicken, and had apple pie and pumpkin pie with ice cream for desert. Nick and Scott played the piano and me and Michelle sang and hummed, Scott and I "broke into" the Laugerman's house (don't worry James... Stevie gave me permission) to get all of Scott's food that he left over there, and everyone laughed when they found out the cd that is stuck in my now BROKEN cd player is The Freedom Project and it's the only music I can listen to while in my car except for crappy radio stations.

I guess The Beatles got it right when they wrote, "oh I get by with a little help from my friends."
-------------------------------------------

It's uncomfortable here
frozen hearts grow mute
the lights are on but we can't see
the music plays but it's just a dream
cause nothing really works the way it should
when everything that's real is broken.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

"I'm afraid you sparked a nerve in me"

I still feel like I'm in the middle of a deadly storm, but I feel like I can see the end of it now. Somewhere off in the distance. It isn't close, but it isn't out of sight.

I've gone through more trials and suffering in the past month than I think I have ever gone through the past 18 years of my life. I've had it harder than ever before. I think I can say I've had it a lot harder than a lot of people around me. In hindsight, I still believe that everything I've been dealing with has happened for a reason and God chose this path for me and so I will walk it faithfully. But it has not been without struggle. It has not been without brokenness. I dealt with it the way I always deal with things. I go through it kicking and screaming, fighting and resisting like a stubborn mule. I go through it thinking, "how will I ever overcome this? why me? this isn't fair. i can't do this." I feel hopeless, I feel low. I feel dark, lonely, and all alone. But God doesn't give up on me, and neither do my friends and the people who love me. Above all, though, God keeps calling to me to come out of my pain and the darkness and into His arms. And finally, I'm answering. There is always that moment, that day when you realize you have to respond, you can't ignore it any longer and keep living the way you are, dependent on things that won't fix you like God can.

I'm starting to feel like I'm being me again, like I'm being Emily. I'm smiling up at the cloudy sky and it isn't closing in on me making me feel small and insignificant. I'm happy. :)

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Citrate is my new best, and worst, friend.

After my appointment today with a Urologist at McFarland Clinic, I am now taking 6 pills of Potassium Citrate a day (2 pills 3 times), every day, forever. and they are horse pills. they are not easy to swallow one bit. they make me gag a little. they taste bad. I have never been prescribed 500 pills before for one prescription filling, ever.

This is going to change my life.

I hope it fixes my kidney stones issue. Because Dr. Milleman said, after all, I may just be un-fixable.

I'm overwhelmed.

p.s.- I have insomnia!

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

"...every plan is a tiny prayer to father time"

Oh, how life has changed. Honestly... I wish I could be 9 again for the time being. I wish my parents took me to Disney World and all I had on my mind was to decide between going on Space Mountain or Splash Mountain. That's it. Nothing else. But wishing is silly.

I just feel so adult-like. Well, I feel like I've been thrusted into adult-like circumstances, forcing me to act like an older, adult-like figure rather than the still-learning-how-to-be-mature 19 year old that I truly am.

The day I had to be rushed off to the Emergency Room changed my entire life around. It was instantaneously rearranged in every aspect. I can't believe I spent 7 or 8 straight days drugged up on vicodin to get at least some pain relief from the excruciating pain I felt radiating in both sides of my abdomen area. I can't believe how fast I spiraled into depression. how exhausted I was at every moment of every day, never hoping to wake up the next morning with happiness in my heart because I couldn't see any hope. Any hope of becoming better and getting healthy and pain-free again was slashed every moment I felt a tiny, jagged stone moving through my body making me wish I were dead... causing weariness and suffering that I would never wish upon anyone else...never.

The struggle I have faced and am still facing to be a college student while dealing with this sickness almost made me just one to give up and drop out. To be completely honest, I was so close to wanting to just leave. And I still wonder if I would have been better off if I had... just for the semester... I don't know. I am currently seeking help from my Hixson scholarship program head, Debra Sanborn, to see what she can do to help me with my situation. I also contacted my Adviser, well, my old Adviser but the one that knows me personally and knows my past struggle with this sickness from last year. I'm learning that asking for help is not as easy as you think it would be. But I'm learning that it is necessary at times, especially a time like this. I am seriously so anxious to see what's going to happen these next few days, next couple weeks... I need help, and I am just praying they have mercy on me for this being such a horrible sickness I can't control, and give me some kind of break. I need something to help me out here, desperately.

In a conversation with Nick just the other day, I told him how I came to a place in my heart where I can seriously profess I wouldn't have things any other way. No matter how much physical pain I've foregone, no matter how weary I have become, no matter how much it sucks and I hate it... I cannot say I wish it were different. Not really. I know this is what God has chosen for me to go through, and I know I am not alone. I know my faith will get me through all of this, God never fails us. I know that in my heart. I trust that.

I had an ultrasound today at McFarland Clinic with a nice lady named Wendy in the Radiology department. No... I don't have a bun in the oven. My doctor ordered the ultrasound to check what is going on inside of me, see if I have anything else going on besides kidney stones, possibly gallstones or other things of that nature. She took tons of photos, it took a good half an hour, longer than any other ultrasound I've had (this was my fourth). Usually I've just gotten my kidneys and bladder looked at, but she looked at a ton of organs, some that I can't even remember. I do remember pancreas, gallbladder, and kidneys... but yeah, I don't know there were a lot. Nick came with me to the appointment and it helped calm my nerves. Being around doctors and anything medical makes me uneasy and nervous because I have a great distrust in doctors that goes very far back in my past.

I have an appointment with a Urologist tomorrow at 2:30. I am looking forward to the possibility of actually DOING something about my kidney stone problem, but I am also not looking forward to this meeting at all. I am going to it alone and I have never done that... ever. I don't know this doctor and they don't know me. So I have to tell them the ENTIRE story beginning from when I got my first stone attack at the age of 13. I am afraid I won't sufficiently explain my story or that I'll forget things or accidentally leave something out. It's hard to remember everything that has happened. I basically have no idea what's going to happen at this appointment and that makes me nervous.

All of these things just make me feel like I am much older than I really am. And I'm not sure I like that. Not yet. Alas, that is where I find myself.

Sunday, November 11, 2007

unity

I could lay with you forever
just to never live a moment
without you by my side

I could sing with all my lungs
if only you would sing with me
and our voices become one

I could fall asleep in your arms
as long as you want me to
please say you want me to

may we remain side by side
may our voices unify
may we sleep until the world ends

as long as I'm with you.

Friday, November 09, 2007

"This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world..."

well I don't think I drowned the whole world, but I probably have cried a river over the past 2 weeks. I probably cried a small creek just last night at Salt Company.

The whole night overwhelmed my heart. The minute I started singing in the first set of worship songs, I started tearing up. When we sang my favorite song of all time (From the Inside Out), it made a steady flow of tears begin to fall. When the woman got up and shared a little bit of her story and that the night was going to be about trials and suffering, I couldn't believe the timing of this message. Right in the midst of my biggest trial, my most suffering, we're going to talk about it at Salt. Oh geez. I needed kleenex very badly at this point, but Erin had none in her purse. I just had to use my sleeves. Then she sang a song that made me flat out start bawling. The words about going through the fire but not going through it alone, it was like God was speaking to me and only me. I cried the entire time Mark gave the message. My eyes were absolutely burning at that point.

I'm not being persecuted for being a Christian and suffering because of that, but I am suffering and it is a kind of suffering that God chose for me to go through and live through and use as a testimony to show others my faith and show God's glory. When Mark said one of his main points was that suffering doesn't make sense without God, that one really got to me. Because these past 2 weeks, I tried to make sense of how much pain I was constantly in... but the truth was it never made sense. Feeling the kidney stone pain frequently all day long, being unable to stand at night when it hit countless times up in Nick's room, having to explain time after time again to every professor what was going on with me... it accumulated to WAY too much pain for just one person, in my head. But then last night at Salt, it forced me to look at my suffering through the cross-lense, as Mark called it. I saw it God's way, not just my human way. And I was determined to not miss this opportunity to use my suffering as a tool to strengthen my own faith and maybe even the faith of others, maybe others who don't know about Jesus yet.

I thought I was done with the tears, but they started up again during the last set of worship songs. And then when we were free to leave, I turned to Erin and I just LOST it. And she hugged me and held onto me. And then I felt someone else surround me and my sister in a hug. For a brief second I opened one blurry eye and saw a charcoal gray-colored sleeve and I knew it was Nick. And then the three of us broke apart, and Nick just pulled me in again and held me while I continued to cry and cry and cry, and Erin got me napkins to blow my nose....finally. It was like I was crying all the pain out, releasing it all.

Last night was... exhausting.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007

bring back the sun

I can't even explain it. I'm fighting something, but it's not what I normally would be fighting against. Usually I'm fighting against some bad situation and the things it makes me feel, some uncontrollable force outside of me that is hurting me and trying to bring me down, but this time on top of that I am fighting against myself. I don't know if anyone can relate, but you have some inner desire to do something that your logic and reason tells you is actually harmful and destructive, yet you want to do it anyway because you are so far down it's the only thing you care about doing- despite all the warnings, despite the tears of loved ones, despite the pleading of a mother, a sister, a friend.

I want to hide it, but it's not really possible. Not when your eyes are staring into mine knowingly, looking through me as if you see through the facade I wear. It's weird to know of something from the outside perspective for so long, like you've always stood so far away from actually being in the situation you've seen other people on tv and movies find themselves in... but all the sudden, I found myself in the situation and I got lost in the spiral just like everyone else seemed to do.

I'm trying to fight it. I'm not winning and I'm not losing, I'm just struggling somewhere in the middle. Your prayers and your hugs and your caring eyes are all that keep me from running away.

I'm not ready to give up on myself. Please don't give up on me yet.

Aubrey is right. the only pain medicine I need right now is God.

Monday, November 05, 2007

scream until the microphones are gone...

I am loved.

I am taking this one day at a time.

God is in the people who take care of me.

He has not abandoned me.

I am not alone.

I am loved.

Sunday, November 04, 2007

And then everything changed

Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and HEALS ALL YOUR DISEASES***,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

***thank you Erin, my amazing sister, for this Psalm, and for hope.

Friday, November 02, 2007

just waiting to drown

I am freaking out.....

I'm so sick of living this life of... sickness. I'm sick of living like this, with an inability to go out and do anything fun, having to depend on other people completely, being a damn burden to the people i depend on, always trying to remember what doses of medicine i still need to take and what i've already taken, just not being able to DO much of anything. I hate having to depend on medicine to take away physical pain, because it takes away the pain, but it leaves you completely lifeless. And being lifeless like that eats away at my spirit. My joyful, happy, bubbly, spunky, cheery, energetic, vivacious spirit. I no longer feel like I am Emily, I don't feel like myself. And I hate that there's nothing I can do about it. Because, if I don't take the drugs they prescribed me to help me, then I'm not going to get better. But while I'm on the road to "getting better," basically I'm just this blob of cells lying in the dark in a bed, alone, feeling nothing but feeling everything all at the same time. Feeling nothing, being numbed up so nothing hurts while 2 tiny little stones move down through a tiny tube inside my body, but my heart hurts, my mind hurts- these medicines give me headaches, they make me dizzy, they make me nauseous, they make me sleepy and loopy, I act retarted in front of Nick and I'm glad he's patient because honestly I would get so sick of me.

Here's the thing about strength. There are two kinds, there's inner strength, and there's outer strength. Being strong doesn't mean you have either of these during a time of great trial and hardship. Being strong doesn't mean I can be in the middle of passing a kidney stone and i'm crying and then all the sudden because I'm such a strong person I can make that kidney stone fall right out of me, or that I can sit up in the middle of all that pain and say praise God I am in all this pain right now. No. That is NOT what being strong is about. Being strong comes from after all the pain has run its course. It comes when the hardship is overcome, and it comes through when I can say I knew inside my soul that all along I would come out alive after all of this pain and suffering, and I did. It comes through when I can get myself out of bed and feel the strength in my bones and my muscles and tendons as I start doing physically active things I couldn't do when my body was passing these stones. It comes from attitude. It comes from being a survivor. It comes from my testimony after my suffering has subsided for the time being. Pain is pain. Some people tolerate more pain than others, but I guarantee any person out there, no matter if they're a body builder or a thin, little college student like myself, or a mountain climber, or whatever- this pain would bring them to their knees, crying. And that doesn't make a person not strong. It makes them a person who is in pain. And that can't be helped. There are a lot of sicknesses out there that honestly can be prevented and shouldn't be that hard to prevent and a lot of it is common sense... but then there are things like kidney stones. My ER doctor from Monday said it the best: "sometimes you just can't beat genetics." And they asked me question after question about all kinds of stone-related prevention techniques, and every one of them I could tell them yes I do that, yes I drink that, yes I tried that. But I still have 2 kidney stones inside of me. You do the math- it's genetics. Can't be helped.

Strength is not tested by pain and suffering, it comes OUT of it and FROM it. It comes after the fact. There is no question I am super weak right now. But I am a strong person- ask anyone and they'll vouch for me on that one. I am a strong person because of the way I come out of these periods of pain and suffering. I'm so weak right now, in every way possible. And it's driving me crazy. I want to jump out of bed and go walk around campustown with my friends and go out to a movie and go do this and go do that, but I can't. I can hardly walk to the bathroom right across the hall without almost falling over from dizziness and faintness. I'm angry- angry at genetics. I'm pissed off. I'm depressed I have done nothing but struggle this week to get to class, which I rarely accomplished, and to make it to meals. I'm ashamed that I have depended on Nick for almost everything this week, that he has seen me high on vicodin and helped me to the bathroom to throw up, that he has been forced to hold onto me so that I don't fall over walking me back to my room at night. I'm embarrassed, I'm upset, I'm so frustrated with this disease. I'm mad that people think that I should just stop whining already and get on with my life- anyone out there who thinks that should probably get a kidney stone and tell me how you feel, and then try having them for 6 years and realize you will have them until you die, THEN come to me and tell me to stop whining.

the end.