I wrote these words cause I love you!

AHHHHHH! new favorite song!!!! get ready for a long post.

"This One Is For You" by The Wedding.

you got to get, get over yourself a little
to see the grass is green
you got to get, get over yourself a little
to see the grass is green

you make this all worthwhile
you get better by the mile
even when it tears you apart
you do your best not to show it

it's me that you can do without
but you choose to stick it out
and without you there is no doubt
i would break under the burden

just try love

and i am so self-involved
yeah i am so typical
you could call my every move now baby

but you're a mid summer's dream
yeah you are so pristine
and in the end everything you do
is just for me

just try love
why do you even bother with me
please, tell me what it is you see
just try love
why do you even bother with me

and it's the least I could do
after what we've been through
I wrote these words CAUSE I LOVE YOU
only you!

just try love.

----------------------------------

The art of music can have my affects. Typically, when I find myself playing a song over and over again driving in my car, getting ready in my room after I wake up, or before I go to bed at night... it has consistent components. First, it makes me feel something when I listen to it. The way this affects me is dependent upon my mood at the time I hear it. Second, it makes me think about how I relate to the lyrics of the song. Not only am I emotionally tied to the music now, but I am psychologically tied as well. Once that happens, I usually begin thinking about lots of other things that branch off of that main scope of thoughts. It's kinda crazy. Third, it makes me want to write out what the lyrics say. This is kind of unique to me because of my love for writing. I love writing things that are important to me so that they are documented. It makes me feel like they are more set in stone, more real almost, permanent. Usually this action of writing leads to other artistic intentions, I start drawing and doodling and coloring... writing out the words in funky letters, moving on from there until I am satisfied. Lastly, I write about them. and that's kind of where I'm at right now. I definitely don't fulfill all of these parts every time I discover how much I love a certain song... sometimes I can't get to the third or fourth parts, maybe because of time restraints, or other hindrances, or sometimes I just can't put into words what I want to say- very typical. hate it. but, it happens. what can you do.

This song makes me think of all my friends who surround themselves around me and associate with me time and time again, after all that I've put them through just being who I am- a person who makes mistakes ALL the time, a person who doesn't always think with her head and with logic, a person who can explode sometimes, a person who falls, a sinner.

I'm so prideful, I have to be reminded over and over again to GET OVER MYSELF, like the lyrics say. I grew up being the baby of the family, always being spoiled and given special treatments for being the youngest. I have taken leaps and bounds to overcome the effects of being a spoiled person, but I feel there are so many more leaps to go. I love attention, I love having the spotlight on me. For most of my life I just wanted to be famous- my dream was to be a famous singer and dancer, like Selena. I wanted to perform and I wanted people to watch me and love my performance and look at me and go, wow she is so talented. I have let go of that performer dream, long ago it seems, but I am still a performer in my daily life. I am still that girl who loves the spotlight. I wouldn't say I live for it, but I sure do love it.

I'm selfish. We're all pretty selfish. I found that when I stop reading my Bible and being fed by the Word of God consistently, I grow more and more selfish. This is not good for anyone. I am trying so hard to think of others before myself, on everything. I love my friends and family and because I care for them so much I have always tried to think of them above myself, but lately I felt like I fell away from that. I'm reading my Bible again now, and I can already see change. I just hope I can keep growing and changing so that others see it too. I want to be that selfless woman of God that I grew up always wanting to be, before I strayed so much.

I could probably assume that many people who know me very well.. could very easily predict my every move when it comes to my pride and situations that arise from it. I'm very competitive, very, very, VERY competitive. I want to blame playing competitive soccer at Valley High School for that mostly, but, of course for REAL the blame lies with me and me alone. All Zach had to do was look at me and quietly say, "Emily... pride..." when I was playing mario kart to get me to realize what I was doing and that I needed to calm down. Ughhh. I need my friends to do that, as much as I hate it- I need it.

So when the lyrics say, "why do you even bother with me, please tell me what it is you see"- it's basically what I feel like saying to my friends, the ones who put up with me. And then I want to say this to let them know I love them so much for being by my side amidst my crazy antics, prideful heart, and selfish desires.

This part:
it's me that you can do without
but you choose to stick it out
and without you there is no doubt
i would break under the burden

...is humbling to me. it's so true...

so basically, the end sums up how I feel ultimately...
"it's the least I could do, after what we've been through
I wrote these words cause I love you, only you."

See, that's the best thing about ART. Art causes things to happen inside of you, it makes you face yourself, it makes you feel. Life is nothing without feelings. Life needs art, I need art in my life. Music, sculptures, paintings, carvings, prints, photographs, dance... it's all apart of an endless circle of creativity, growth, and emotion. I LOVE IT.

a poem and a prayer...

pull and pull until she breaks in half
push and push until she falls to her knees
love and love until she loves you back

summer skies reveal summer secrets
purple sunsets uncover golden sunrises
love and love until she loves you back

painful resistance transforms her heart
fearful insistence consumes her soul
love and love until she loves you back

love never felt so unlovely before.
---------------------------------------


Father, my God, You are the Magnificent Creator
You provide no matter what
You love unconditionally
You sacrificed yourself to save us
You are beautiful and amazing
can we ever fathom Your ways?
Your Holy Spirit flows everywhere
filling every empty space in our hearts
You know us completely
because You made us
You always understand
our pain is Your pain
You hold us in Your arms
like a little child in the arms of their Father
You are just and righteous
You are perfect
I love you with all of my heart. <3
---

"I think that we've got what it takes to get this heart start beating again..."

"...So take it all the way!
Whoa, whoa
and our hearts are on the everglow
deep inside we both know it
everything's hanging on this moment
whoa, whoa
and our hearts are on the everglow
every action begs a reaction
we'll figure it out, and make it happen
whoa, whoa
and our hearts are on the everglow
so just let go and fall into it!"

Life's tugging at me again. You know how things just make you feel a little crazy sometimes, like you want so much more, but you're just not getting it. I'm a pretty open person, at least I'd like to say so without being labeled as one of those crazy, psycho open people who make everyone else feel uncomfortable they're just SO open about anything and everything. I'm not afraid to be vulnerable. I'm afraid of being taken advantage of when I'm in a vulnerable state, because it's happened more than once, but, being vulnerable itself doesn't scare me. I can admit to certain things that I guess some people have a really hard time admitting. Maybe because I grew up being a weird kid who wrote all the time and one of those freaks who kept notebooks and notebooks full of stuff they wrote throughout their life..? You can't be a writer if you're a liar. Writing is so intimate, people smell bs (censored) before they get to the second paragraph. So I've been disciplined through writing to just be honest. Being honest doesn't make things easier all the time, and it doesn't take away confusion... but the truth shall set you free. duh. everyone knows that.

If I could wish for anything right now, it'd be to fall in love. Not just, I want to be with you all the time, I think about you every second of every day love, but- I want to spend the rest of my life with you by my side love. The love that drives you so crazy, you write love songs and poetry and it makes you feel like you don't care what happens as long as you're with the person you're in love with. Is it obtainable? Is it unrealistic? Sometimes I think it'll never happen, I'll be completely honest. Sometimes I can't imagine having a husband and kids someday because I can't see myself ever getting to that place in my life. But, ugh, other times? I just want to sit in my room all day and sing and dance and write about love. And not think about anything else. I just want to dream about the one who's going to come into my life and change me forever. The one who will sweep me off my feet and hold me in their arms until death do us part.
Sometimes I hear a song and it makes me feel like love- does that make ANY sense? to feel like love? I mean to feel like a cloud is surrounding your body and you're embodying love itself? and I stop breathing for a moment because my heart feels so incomplete when I realize how we were not meant to be alone and by ourselves. We were meant to be unified with another counterpart, to share our lives, to share our souls together as one. I close my eyes and all I see is a silhouette somewhere far off in the distance, far enough to be out of reach, but close enough to still be in view.

I blame this insanity on my recent viewing of one of my favorite movies ever- Wicker Park, and also listening to too much Mae. If I had someone do everything to find me and finally find me and come behind me and sit there just waiting for me to turn around and meet their gaze, and then cling to me and forget the hundreds of people walking around us and only see the person holding my face and kissing me and looking at me like I'm the most beautiful person their eyes have ever seen.... I would probably die of happiness, shock, and utter joy. No, I'd just know what love really is.

If you don't have a clue where I'm getting this lovey-dovey-mushy-gushy crap from, listen to "Breakdown", "The Everglow", and "Ready and Waiting to Fall" by Mae... and then watch the movie Wicker Park and pay close attention to the last scene. I'm serious!

"...But that September sky
how it whispered "I love you"
but I couldn't take it any longer
no I couldn't stand..."

Thoughts at Tropical Sno One Morning

As I was opening Tropical Sno this morning, I had a bunch of thoughts run through my mind and I was frustrated for a minute because they all came so fast and so suddenly... that I can’t remember all of them now that I am sitting with my laptop in front of me ready to type. Uh… figures. It’s ok, they’ll come to me again if they’re really something I need to get out (here's hoping). This is one thing I can delve into though (it is seriously dead at Trop right now, and has been for the past hour or something, it’s so boring).

I’ve found thus far in life that people have common bonds. These common bonds can be very simple and very small, seemingly insignificant things. Or, they can be the opposite. I have both, depending on the person I’m relating to. If you sit down and have a conversation with someone for 10 minutes, you can probably take the content of that conversation and take so many things from it that you relate to, either because you’ve had similar experiences, you’ve known other people who have explained similar experiences to you, or both, or whatever. And that’s just having a brief conversation with another human being. I sit down with people and talk for hours sometimes. Even when the conversations aren’t heavy and deep, even when they’re funny and humorous and silly- it still happens. And to think about it even more, I’m only 18 years old! I have so many more years to experience, it’s overwhelming to think of the life experiences that are to come later on. With age, we collect even more potential to relate to others. This makes me wonder why so many people in the world have so much hate for other people. We’ve all heard somebody say, “ugh… I HATE that person.” I don’t think it counts when one jokingly uses the word hate and when the people you’re telling it to know that it’s not real too. But when it is said and is truly meant, that’s what I’m referring to. So I wonder why there is so much hate. If we can all admit to the ability to relate to other people, does it just stop there- do we choose not to understand, not to feel, not to think about it? Once you relate to someone, something inside of you gives you that “wow, I know exactly what she’s talking about” sense. Once that has been done, you think about what that person must be feeling, and maybe how you felt when you experienced something similar, and so you can then put yourself in that person’s shoes for a minute and realize what’s going on inside of them. After that, an understanding comes. You think about how that person has been affected by whatever experience and the feelings and emotions that they go through. Maybe you think about how they were changed, if they were changed, if they were resilient, if they behave a certain way now because of something in their past. People have different ideas and different ways of thinking, but we all feel the same things and experience change from the choices we make and the things that happen to us in life. How do we not have that figured out yet? I know it’s more complicated than that. But if everyone figured out the basics of understanding, maybe that’s a start.

Is it because people are so quick to write someone off their list? If you foul once, you’re out. They’ll never forgive, they’ll never forget. The Bible tells us love does not keep record of wrongs, but it kind of seems like nobody listens to the Word of God. Is it pride, is it your dignity? “I won’t ever forget what Nancy did to me, she’ll never be a friend of mine ever again, she’s dead to me. She hurt me so much, I can’t believe she betrayed me, she doesn’t deserve my friendship!”--I’m sure. I’ve heard about people saying things like that, and believing them down to their cores. I've never said anything like that or thought that, but I have definitely used the word hate before when talking about a person... fortunately when I was a lot younger and a lot more stupid. Not that I'm not stupid with things now, but..... I'd say there's a definite shift in amount of stupidity going on, and with different kinds of situations. Aaaanyway. Yeah and I don't really mean "stupid" like unintelligent, but more like "stupid" meaning- oh man why did I ever act like that...

I would write more, but business is starting to pick up at good ole Trop. Finally!

"pull it together boy- you don't look so well..."

"i close my eyes and pretend you're sitting here with me
while i try to put my finger on exactly what it was that made you leave
and it took some time to walk away from that
and it took some time to walk away from that
and time is all that i have." -the wedding



I don't think there is anything worse than a writer who cannot seem to come up with anything great to write. Especially when they're thirsting for something great, not just something ok, not just something to fill up space, not just something good... something great. Whenever I post lyrics and nothing but lyrics, it means that I essentially could not come up with anything of my own creation to write. I have to turn to the inspirations of others. Others far more creative, far more successful, far more talented, far more anything that I would hope to be.

But that is an interesting verse up above.

I just watched Nacho Libre with James and Aubrey, and I thought it was hilarious.

I'm going to 8:30 church in the morning and I'm going to make Aubrey poop her pants probably for doing so. If that really happened, I don't know what I'd do. But wow that would be a funny sight..... for sure.

<3

and the truth of it is, we are still just kids

i fall at Your feet
my spirit is weak
renew me Father
hold me in Your arms
my tears release this pain inside of me
i can't express it any other way
i cry out to You, Father
i cry out to Your Holy Name
i'm angry and downtrodden
and can't live like this anymore
You're the only One
You're all I need
when I'm all alone at night
Your mercy is all I think about
Your grace and love
covers my sin
I love you, Father
please give me a new song to sing
I love you
I love you.

"what oh what is wrong baby, what oh what is wrong baby?"

This is the time during Summer that actually makes me think to myself- I don't want it to end. I've hit the jackpot. It took me a while to reach this point of contentedness. I'm working two jobs and loving them both. I spend every day with the people who make me happiest. I had an epiphany to get my relationship with God back on track, after months of weariness, bitterness, and distrust. I have consistency in my life, yet I have variety. I have things to look forward to with excitement and things to look back on with fondness. I'm in the middle of something good right now, and I don't want it to stop.

Last Saturday night, Aubrey and I closed up Tropical Sno and got to embrace Zach and James for the first time in 8 days (longer for Aubs). We sat in the Laugerman's house and heard the summary of their trip in Cancun. I almost cried because Zach came into the room and gave me and Aubrey gifts he bought us there. Just knowing somebody thought of you, it's a phenomenal feeling.

Sunday, The Awesome Threesome worked at Trop Sno and closed, then watched Zach's Cancun dvd with everyone at James' house. Then we laid outside in the driveway on Zach's newly purchased Mexican blanket- hahah, which smells like a Mexican garage, I'm serious, it's very distinct.

Monday, I worked with Zach at Trop until close, then 11 of us went and saw the movie Oceans Thirteen. It was a really, really, really good movie! Freaking loved it. It made me think of Steve (the Illinois Steve, not Laugerman) and Brek so much, because of all the gambling.... haha.

Tuesday was a full day! Well first off, I got to sleep in a lot so that was excellente. I worked at Trop with James until 4, then I went to the Raccoon River "beach" (the quotes are a must), where Zach, Kayla, Mitch, and Mike joined me. Zach and I just laid out and talked, but the other three swam a little. Then JR called about disc golfing, so he met us there and we all drove to this park over by South 14th St. in Des Moines- Ewing Park. JR, Mitch, Zach, Kayla, Mike, Sarah and I disc golfed (ok... I just caddied) there, and it was seriously the most beautiful park I've ever seen with a disc golf course in Iowa. It was amazing! JR did back flips for us, Zach ran around and threw sticks and looked like friggin' Mogley... Mitch kept getting beat down by discs, and Kayla showed Sarah her entire right boob pretty much. Eventful, wouldn't you say? Yeah AND fun, for sure :). Oh and I almost forgot to mention me and JR's special moment, where we stood and watched the pretty sunset over the trees together... yep... it was magical.

After that super long disc golf adventure, I was about to pass out from not eating enough all day. I needed calories and I needed them quick! So Zach, JR and I stopped at a BBop's and enjoyed some greasy, delicious, fattening burgers. It was awesome. Definitely necessary. Then we all met back at Raccoon River and hung out in the parking lot not really doing anything for a long time. We did throw a disc around for a while, when it was just me, Mitch, Kayla and Zach left.

Mitch and Kayla headed home, and Zach needed to take his fish Murdoch back to his house FINALLY.. so he came to my house with me to pick him up. It was only like 10:30, and it was Zach's first night of not having a stupid curfew... haha, so we ended up sitting at the end of my driveway for almost 3 hours, just talking. We talked about everything you can imagine. I think we covered everything going on in our lives, everything that could possibly be going through our heads, and everything that is anything. So.... it was a lot! I felt so much better about life in general afterwards. It made me think about a lot of stuff, and I got a lot off my chest, which I probably needed to do. It's beyond me why Zach and I had so many problems being around each other like throughout the past school year, but I think we actually are a lot alike and so it's good for me to talk to him about life. But of course in some ways we are different and that makes me see things in different perspectives. I seriously couldn't love the fact that we had a 3-hour talk at the end of my driveway any more. He was wrapped up in a cocoon in his Mexican blanket, I sipped my hot tea and covered up in my blanket, and then all the sudden it was 2 in the morning and I wanted to go to bed.

I told Zach something that I possibly have never really discussed with anyone else, at least not that I can remember.... and it was about my number one struggle and downfall in life, being my pride. My huge, fat pride. My pride is like an avalanche. My pride hits and it tumbles and one by one it ravages every aspect of my life and covers everything in a thick blanket of snow so that I am unable to see anything, and then it suffocates me. It is a huge chain reaction, because once I puff up with pride, I want to be in control and depend on myself. I want to fix things. Even with good intentions, pure intentions, I just want to make things better- but at the root of it all, it's because I can't stand feeling helpless, powerless.

So we decided I just have to make myself a garden brick that reads "God is in control today AND tomorrow." It's a daily struggle for me. It has to be a garden brick because a garden brick that read "the problem with problems is they are rarely seen as opportunities" changed Zach's life. haha. Ummm so, I just love Zach to death, and I love our talks for sure.

Anyway, today I worked with Zach until close at Trop. We had about 50 mood swings between the two of us inside that little shack. We had a lot of fun though too, haha. Throughout the evening, Caely, Bry, Linds, Luke and JR all showed up and hung out. Luke even helped take orders when it got super busy around 9 until close. After we closed, Zach, Luke and I threw Zach's frisbee around in the parking lot and listened to Luke's sweet rap music. Then we went to James' house to drop off the Trop stuff, and ended up throwing the frisbee in his culdesac for a really long time. Aubrey met up with us there and the four of us threw the frisbee, and then James realized we were outside his house (we didn't know where he was but apparently he was inside the whole time on facebook! geez!), haha, so he joined us outside. Aubs, Zach, James and I started watching Nacho Libre later, but Aubrey and I got kicked out by James' dad because of the 12:30 rule. uh ohhhh. So we better finish that movie sometime soon, cause it was hilarious!

So now you know why I'm content. I can only hope it lasts longer this time than before.
Love!
<3

"Well if you love me then just love me, don’t you give me pretty words."

Another long day of work is over :)

I freaking love opening in the morning for Tropical Sno. Let me explain why. First of all, when I wake up in the morning, I don't like to talk very much... because I'm waking up and I enjoy quiet until I'm fully awake. I like to peacefully wake up. And when I open, it's just me, I'm all by myself and I just do what I have to do. When I get to the Trop Sno shack, I put in my favorite CD either by The Almost or Haste The Day, and it pumps me up for the day. After I've done all the opening duties and such and change the "closed" sign to "open"- then it's time to sit down and draw in my sketchbook and listen to music. I don't feel very inspired when I'm just at home, so it's hard for me to sit down and draw and let the artsy part of me flow out. But when I'm sitting inside Tropical Sno ready for a long day's work, waiting for the first customer, I am inspired. I get inspired whenever I go somewhere, it's weird but that's a fact. It's so nice. Some days I even get to sit outside on one of the picnic tables and let the sun warm me up and it makes me feel so great because it makes me realize over and over again that it's summer, which makes me so happy. I sit there and wait for someone to show up, and I draw and think.. sometimes I just sit there not doing anything at all. It is wonderful.

Then, the best part is, right when I start to feel a little lonely and want to be busy doing something, somebody shows up, maybe even the regulars that I see every day. So then I get to make people's day by making them a refreshing, tasty sno cone. I love all the people I see every day. I love people asking me what flavors are in a Lover's Delight or a Rock N' Roll, and having them all completely memorized like I'm some kind of Tropical Sno Guru. haha.

Then right when I can't handle making the list of sno cones that have been ordered, either Tim or Aubrey or Kayla shows up and then we team-up and it's awesome. Every time I worked with Tim I had so much fun because we talked about shows and music the whole time and he is just super funny. And then of course working with Kay and Aubs was amazing. Aubrey and I were so freaking goofy for the first half, then we both got really crabby because it was stressful and things got crazy haha, but then we cheered each other up and it was great. Kayla and I are basically Tropical Sno CHAMPIANS.... honestly, dealing with the 20 thousand kids from Kids West that showed up today right during a huge rush, YEAH, we rocked that and although we kind of wanted to break down and cry afterwards, we didn't, we just kept going because we had to... people never stopped coming. Which is great for Steve. He's gotten SOOO much business this week because of how hot it's been. Seriously, Tropical Sno is *the* place to be at any time of day when it's 85 degrees and humid.

Tomorrow is going to be a pretty crappy day, not gonna lie. but I'll be making a lot of money, so it is worth it. I work open to 3 pm at Tropical Sno, which isn't bad- 5 hours compared to 8 hours all the other days I've worked there... but then at 5 I got to my job at Express and work til close- 10:30. so that's 10 and a half hours total. I'm gonna want to die.. for sure. But i'll make it I suppose.

I'm absolutely crazy about The Wedding's new album- Polarity. It is AMAZING. Every song is my favorite song. "Say Your Prayers" is pretty great.

"Look at this broken world; look at my children.
Look at this broken world; look at my children.

Get ready go; sing to me the right song.
Look up say your prayers on the steps of the capitol.
Look up say your prayers, on your knees.
Look up say your prayers.
Look up say your prayers.
You wanted it to be like you always thought it would
but all you seem to accomplish is the opposite.

You wanna walk with me, do ya?
You wanna walk with me.
Well if you love me then just love me,
don’t you give me pretty words.
Lay your life down at the altar.
Let me see how serious you are."
--The Wedding

Well I'm gonna shower now, then hopefully I'll be meeting up with Bry, Aubrey, and whoever else can hang out.
Lata. <3

"what are you afraid of?"

this is the only time I can really be on my computer, and it happens to be the time I desperately just want to spend sleeping so that I can awake in the morning refreshed and ready to work another long day. So this isn't gonna be thorough.

I think language is an amazing thing. Just thinking about life without language and the spoken word and communicating gives me terrible chills. I think meaningful conversations should be thought of as an art, something that brings color, expression, feeling, and passion to boring everyday life. I've had several great conversations with several great friends in the past week or so, and I am so glad.

Working everyday for 8 hours is wearing me out. Since last Friday I've been working nonstop, and I've amazed myself by waking up every morning and being completely responsible for opening a business, lasting the entire day working, and then moving straight to another activity until it's midnight or 1 in the morning and I come home to go to sleep. It's crazy. It has many pros as well as many cons. I could go into the intricate details, but like I said.... I'm seriously tired.

I've been listening to Haste The Day a TON lately, and it makes me feel really good inside. My favorite part in one of their songs is a part that goes a little something like this:

"I never should have let you go
I never should have let you slip through my arms
I never should have let you go
I never should have let you slip through my arms
As the sun sets tonight
I'll hold you with all that I am
As the sun sets tonight
I'll hold you with all that I am
As the sun sets tonight
I'll hold you with all that I am
I never should have let you go
promise me, you'll stay with me forever
forever
I never should have let you go
promise me, you'll stay with me forever
forever
I never should have let you go
promise me, you'll stay with me forever
forever."
--HTD

ok I'm seriously exhausted. so that's all for tonight.
<3

"and it's so obvious to everyone watching us, that we have got something real good going on!"

I didn't sleep well last night. I haven't figured out why yet. I laid in bed unable to fall asleep from 12:30 until 4:30....yeah....4 hours I just laid there. I was exhausted, because I worked til close at my Express job, and yet I could not shut my darn brain off for the life of me. I hate that. It really is becoming a more frequent problem for me, and I don't like to have to take sleeping pills for it. Ugh.

My mom came down this morning before she left for church and gently told me she had breakfast waiting for me upstairs- eggs, bacon, strawberries, and hot tea. my favorite breakfast ever pretty much. And she told me she loved me. It was the best thing to wake up to. She's been hard to get along with lately because of things with my dad, but when she is like how she was this morning, I just adore her. I love her anyway, because she's my mom and everything, but I love it when she does things like that.

Working was pretty fun today. I opened for the first time all by my lonesome self and it was really lonely until 1 pm when Tim Getting came in. I had always known who he is because of his girlfriend Lauren who I went to church with growing up, but I had never really talked to him before. He's a great guy! Really funny and has that dry humor that I really find amusing in people. He's also an amazing ice-shaver and super bad at pouring flavors in the sno-cones, so that worked out well because ice-shaving is not my favorite thing. We made a good team! We switched off putting our music in the cd player and talked about tons of stuff like music, shows, UNI and ISU, football, writing, and things like that. He's an easy kid to talk to, which made work go a lot faster and made it super enjoyable too. Kayla called me right around 5:30 and asked if I wanted to go to the college ministry "Intermission" with her at Westchester E-free, so when I got off at 6 I met her there. There weren't a ton of people I knew that I thought would be there, so it was kind of disappointing, and it was just weird for me because I haven't been a regular church-attender lately. It makes me feel guilty and like I'm some kind of bad person or something. That's just how I feel. The message was amazing though, given by Dave Edwards. It was seriously an awesome talk, he had great energy and gave the message in a way that didn't make me mad or skeptical, which is how I've been lately with a lot of "God stuff"-- I'm just kind of going through a time where my faith isn't exactly as strong as it once was.... so I'm questioning a lot and I still believe everything, I'm just not at the top of my game, if that makes any sense. It's a hard time for me right now concerning God and hope and faith.

Anyway, I was glad I went. Bry, Kayla and I then met up with Foster, JR, Rob, Austin, and Logan. We rode around in Rob's pick-up truck, haha, and we actually sat in the truck bed the whole time... it was freaking awesome driving down Hickman to Dairy Queen with the wind blowing our hair back and JR and Foster yelling at every car we passed like crazy lunatics. hahahaha. We had so much fun. After Dairy Queen, we went to the park by Bry's house and hung out there. Kayla and I swung and got to talk about some stuffffff.... thennn Rob took us all back to our cars at Bry's house and we pretty much all went home because of early-morning jobs and what not. I mentioned it to Kayla, haha, that it's weird how we stayed out way later during the school year when we all had class and stuff the next day, but now that it's summer you'd think we'd stay out even later- but we've actually been going home and sleeping earlier, because we all have jobs and other stuff that we have to wake up early for. I dont know, it's just kind of weird to think about.

Anyway....... I open again tomorrow, soo I'm gonna go to bed. HOPEFULLY I can actually fall asleep. that'd be wonderful! oh and guess what? AUBREY comes home tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! :) and I work with Kayla, woooo!! sounds like a good day to me. And I'm gonna be away from home all day again. :)

<3

"...and I know that it's so cliche to tell you that everyday I spend with you is the new best day of my life"

ok... 4th day without Aubs. I can last 2 more! I have to! but I miss her. She turns 18 today, so everyone should wish her a happy birthday even though she's in Colorado right now.

1st day without the Cancun boys- Mitch, Zach and James. I overreacted earlier about them being gone for a week, but it still stinks because Zach and Mitch are kind of the two guys that I probably call the most to find out what's going on and make plans. They're reliable friends to me.

I worked my first time alone (like without James or Zach or Steven) at Trop Sno yesterday. 8 hours! I thought it would be really awkward when Adam came in to work at 6 (I had been there since 2:30), and it actually was at first, but then things got better. I like to joke around and he didn't really seem to respond like I know my friends would respond, but oh well, not everyone is like me and my friends I guess. I was really tired after closing. Then when I got home at like 10:45, I realized that TODAY.. I work at Express 6 to close, so another 10:30/10:45 night... then tomorrow I open at Trop Sno and work until 6. oh boy! Then I just realized the next 4 days I do the exact same thing every day. I'm also taking care of Aubrey's dog still, and she is a handful. It gives me a lot of joy to be around cute Anja, but she takes a lot of my energy in a very small amount of time haha. Then I've had to do a few other "house tasks" for the Johnsons, like buy dogfood, which was way heavier than I expected and gave me some problems.. haha, water the house plants, feed the cat and the hampster, and stuff like that. I actually have been a very busy, working girl this week. Haha, and, well.. it's not much "work" but I'm taking care of Zach's fish Murdoch this week too! So yeah, things are pretty awesome! But I'm a little tired. And this next week is a week I need to have a lot of energy because I'm going to be working even more.

I've noticed that, even though I am tired and my feet hurt, I have been overall much happier this week.... and I realize that it's because I've been extremely busy and away from the house pretty much all the time except morning time when I wake up and when I go to bed here at night. I haven't been as moody, I haven't been as irritable, I've slept amazingly better at night, and I just feel good about my life. Like I must be doing something right. It's incredible.

How cute are these lyrics, honestly, just look at them:

"We should get jerseys, 'cause we make a great team
but yours would look better than mine, 'cause you're out of my league
and I know that it's so cliche
to tell you that everyday
I spend with you
is the new best day of my life." --Relient K

awwwwwwwwwww!!!! <3

"We should get jerseys 'cause we make a great team, but yours would look better than mine 'cause you're out of my league"

I took a college creative writing class my senior year of high school, and one of our assignments was to write ourselves a letter of encouragement to keep writing. My teacher said she would send them to us at a random time after we graduated. I had totally forgotten about the whole thing! But yesterday, I got a letter in the mail, and it was in my handwriting..... and it was that letter! I read it and it seriously almost made me cry. Actually, I couldn't even believe I had written those words. But... obviously, I did. Soooo... I thought if there were any other writers out there (which, I know there are), I would show you what my letter said... it actually was a HUGE encouragement about writing, so, here it is if you want to read it:

Dearest Emily (or, insert your name here),

You're still writing poetry, right? You're still keeping notebooks and notebooks and notebooks full of your thoughts, memories, and feelings on your daily life? Don't ever forget how much you LOVE doing that, and how much JOY it brings to your heart. Keep writing! Remember this quote from the sweet movie Finding Forrester: "The first key to writing... is to write. Not think." Sit down at your computer and just start typing! You don't need to think about what you're going to type- just do it. No matter where you are in your life right now, take a moment and remember how passionately you feel about writing. Just because you read over what you've written and you realize that it is possibly the worst thing you've ever written... no worries! "You write the first draft with your heart. You rewrite it with your head." Your heart is sometimes going to produce one big mess of stuff on the paper or on the screen because at times your heart will feel like one big mess, but don't fret about it- because that's natural and it doesn't mean you're a bad writer. You can always go back and polish something off and make it better. You learn as you go what worked great and what did not work at all. You make mistakes as a writer, but just like anything else in your life- you learn from them and move on. The world is not always going to praise you for what you write- no matter if it's your best friend, or a complete stranger, or some prestigious professor critiquing your pieces, never forget: "What we write for ourselves is always better than what we write for others." Ultimately, you write for yourself, Em. You write because you love writing, and strangely you somehow understand your life better when you put things down on paper or on a screen. It is a special thing that makes you the person that you are and the person that you always will be. Remember that you can write about ANYTHING! Write letters to God, write your prayers and your worries and your fears to Him. THe possibilities are endless. You can write about hysterical things that happened during your day, you can writer about your crazy antics with your friends, love, and music. You can evenwrite about a bad time you hadt that you now understand had to happen in order to bring you to where you are right this second. All of these things (and SO much more) are significant in your life and deserve to be documented because you have a gift, Em- a gift of writing! Not only are you good at it, but you enjoy finishing a poem and looking back at it years later and remembering how you felt when you wrote it. Don't even try to deny it! Don't lose that joy. If you have been neglecting to write lately, don't even worry- start again today! The important thing... is just to WRITE. And remember... Jesus loves you no matter HOW crappy your first draft is. :-)

Love, yourself :-)

"so unable to speak... oh, how you make me weak"

Ok so here's a quick update on my life......and random stuff.

working at Express is great. I have had so much fun getting to know the people I work with, and they are all older than me and somehow I've always gotten along with people who are older than me very easily, so it's awesome. It kind of stinks though that they hired too many new people, because now I don't get very many hours in a week... and I want lots of hours because I need money and I need to be busy.

Life is pretty stressful right now, despite all the good things that have happened lately and despite how many amazing people are by my side. I'm still quite stressed. I try not to be as much as possible though.

I work at Tropical Sno now with Zach and Steve and James. It's pretty awesome, not gonna lie. Aubrey and Kayla are working there too. I enjoy being able to work, make money, and be with my friends all at the same time. I'm working 48 hours or something this next week while James, Zach, and Steve are all in Cancun with their families. I'm kind of nervous, but I think everything will be fine. I'll definitely enjoy being out of this house pretty much all the time, which is my main objective this summer, to be honest.

I've been dealing with the weight of my choices lately. It's hard for me to make good decisions for some reason. I'm trying to get back on the right track though. It's a struggle though for sure. And it's not like I'm turning agnostic and gonna become a massive drinker (no and no), haha, I'm just not making the best choices I could when situations arise that require a decision with semi-serious consequences... so don't get the wrong idea or anything. My heart is still the same heart it's always been, living and loving for the same reason and purpose, no matter how many mistakes I make.

I miss hanging out with some of my friends like Sam, Caely and Natalie a ton!..... and even my sister, who (and I told her this the other day) I don't even feel like she's my sister these days. It's hard with her being gone all the time in other states and countries! But on the other hand, I've really been enjoying the summer with the rest of my friends. I'm with Aubrey practically every day, and it's one of those things where you think you're incredibly close with someone already, but every time you're with that person you somehow just keep growing closer. She's the Sonny to my Cher, or the ying to my yang, orrrr the peanut butter to my bread. you know what I mean? We just go together. And, even more so a cool thing, Zach and I have been getting along super well, and that has just made my life incredibly better.. honestly. Spending so much time at Tropical Sno while he worked has definitely helped I think, but... yeah, I don't even know what happened! but it's like all the sudden he is just nice to me all the time and so I am nice to him in return, and.... everything is great. Like now, I feel like I can finally be the friend to him that I've always wanted to be, but before there was always something that stopped it from reaching that level- either my hypersensitivity or his insensitivity, or something like that. So I'm really glad about all of that. We worked til close tonight at Trop Sno, then I bought us cigars and we sat outside the Laugerman's house and had a really good talk for about an hour.

My eyes have been opened to how much God's hands are working and molding everything around me. Everything that happens somehow leads to the point we're at right now in our lives. Everything is interconnected, everything touches everything else, everything that happens leads to other things happening and so on and so forth until you stop and realize that the pieces are all apart of one big whole thing. It's crazy, and it's beautiful, and rather confusing.... but it shows me that God is a big God and it shows me that all of this- being my life and everyone's lives around me- are apart of God's plan.. therefore.... why worry so much all the time?

Music-wise, I'm really into Maroon 5's new album, Mae, Stallions vs. Unicorns, Disney songs (well I'm always into those), popular songs on the radio like Justin Timberlake's "Summer Love", Pink's new song, Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry", aaanndddd stuff like that, as well as Carrie Underwood's AMAZING song "Before He Cheats". hehe. I just really love to sing along to songs I know, especially driving in my car, or like working at Trop Sno haha... good times, so yeah those are all songs I can sing along to so I'm really into them right now.

I bought my new moleskin journal today at Barnes & Noble... I'm really excited to start writing in it again. I also bought this really cool sketchbook so I can sit down sometimes and draw and doodle and let my creativity out... because I really haven't been doing that much lately, and it's really bothering me.

I really want all my friends to know that I love them very much. I would do anything for them. I care so much about their lives and I want to just love on them and be a good friend all the time. I know I fall short a lot of times, because I'm only human, but really I just want to do all that I can to make sure every person I care about KNOWS how deeply and how unconditionally I love them- every part of them, down to the very last detail. I love them to death and would take a bullet for any of them. That was just on my heart, so I wanted to get it out.

I'll end this long blog with this-

"I dug my key into the side of his pretty little souped-up four wheel drive, carved my name into his leather seeeeeats... took a louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires.. maybe next time he'll think before he cheeeats." -Carrie Underwood :)

<3 love.

"remember we used to dance and everyone wanted to be you and me"

there's so much going on in my life right now. it's hard to organize my mind. I go through phases where all I do is reflect and think and deal with what's going on inside my heart and head, and I'm beginning to have one of those phases. A bunch of my friends will be leaving in this next week for their own adventures in other states and countries, so I will have lots of time to bury myself in self-reflection.

I plan on starting everything off by going to Barnes & Noble and buying a new moleskin journal, because it is essential to my self-reflection and internal evaluation process. Then I plan on journeying from coffee shop to coffee shop, in hopes of finding inspiration to write about life and enjoy new discoveries, all the while drinking delicious coffee that warms my soul.

I work 6-11 tonight, possibly later, depending on how fast we get the floor set done at the lovely Express. seriously I'm excited, I can't wait to have fun with my sweet co-workers.