to live is to learn.

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

Sometimes the best thing to do about something is to do nothing.

"You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains."

Sometimes people will just never understand what you're going through. After all, we are a flawed human race, and if we understood EVERYTHING then we'd by just like God.

"There are certain people you just keep coming back to."

It's ok to keep caring for someone, but removing them from your life at the same time.

"I would've stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life."

We can't save the people around us. We can only influence. The rest is God's job.

Some people get to a point where they literally cannot go on caring and watching someone they love go through painful things. I think these people are people that have not experienced extremely painful things themselves. That's why there are other people to lean on that do know what it's like.

"and when it rains on this side of town, it touches everything."

some people go through storms all their lives. some people will only feel a light sprinkle their whole lives.



--just things i've found to be true.

Let Go.

lately i've found myself thinking, "why are they doing that!? why are they acting like that?!!!" and being really perplexed trying to understand why one of my friends is doing this and why another is doing that. it's frustrating when you really can't understand no matter how hard you try. i guess i try to do it because i want to be able to relate and learn more about relationships. but i must say, i think it's weird how much thought goes to wondering about other people...wondering about things i see... wondering about what goes on between people around me. it's weird because i just flipped my perspective around and realized that people do the same thing to me. they look at me acting a certain way and just go, "what??????" and don't get why i do this or why i say that. and i would tell them, hey if you don't get it, that's ok. but don't stay up at night thinking about how frustrating MY life may be in your mind. you obviously don't think the same way i do in ALL issues of life. duh. even if we're really good friends, and we have a connection, and we've been through lots of stuff together, and have a great relationship.... that doesn't mean everything is always going to be understood between each other.

for the first time ever in all my 19 (almost 20!) years of existing, i've learned how to let go of someone. i've actually been able to let go. that's... HUGE, for me. I always let the people around me control the way i think and act and speak. like with my parents, usually i let them walk all over me because i really am respectful towards them with my attitude and i really want to honor God's commandment to honor my parents. but i've had a lot of practice lately in balancing a respect and honor for my parents, with being brave and standing up for myself, and being able to be an adult and an individual. that's just been a crazy roller-coaster ride. but, back to the letting go thing. actually, i've let go of 2 people. 2 really big people. one, an ex-boyfriend that cheated on me and honestly controlled everything i did and said and felt. man i needed to break those chains off SO BAD! and they're finally broken. the other, a good friend who is always critiquing me and advising me, but never takes a dose of his own medicine. these are very important steps in my process of getting back to a healthy state of mind and successful person. all of the credit goes to my Lord, my Father in heaven, my Savior, Jesus Christ.

the nature of sin, ever since the fall of Adam and Eve, has been our sinful desire to be independent from God and do things our own way. I really let that sink in the past few weeks. How do I try to be independent from God in my own life, right now? well, for the longest time, I've tried to let go of these painful relationships with my own strength, with my human mind, my own free will. and it's great to know i have the free will to choose whether to follow myself or follow the God who made me, but i choose to give it all up to God and let Him control my life- since He's the one who knows what's best for me and knows the plan for my life, why would I take the reigns and do it myself, when me taking the reigns ALWAYS ends up in turmoil. ALWAYS. God is trying to restore my life to what He designed it to be. Why do I try to get in the way all the time? He is the ALMIGHTY GOD! ugh! it's infuriating thinking of my own crazy logic sometimes..... how I think I am just SO smart and so capable of being the god of my own life. I carry the generational sin that came to be with Adam and Eve. I know it, and this is what I'm choosing to do about it. What about you?

I've had such an awesome last couple of weeks, deepening my relationship with God. Tim spent a lot of time talking with me about a lot of stuff, many times over the past weeks, and it charged me up inside. I believe God used Tim to help spur me on in my spiritual awakening. He is such an amazing guy. Anyway, it's been awesome! I've been given such clarity in things that were so cloudy and foggy to me before. I know spiritual peace like I've never known before. With all the craziness in my life, there is no way I could ever say that with confidence without some kind of insanely magical thing helping me- aka Jesus Christ and his Holy Spirit working inside of me. blahhhhh. i cant even begin to explain it. God is just da bomb.

it's finally August........ oh my gosh. 15 days til I move back to Ames. PLEASE PRAY I CAN LAST. i'm serious.

yeah, this really happened.

This is my Scrubs moment of the day. You know how J.D. ends every episode with some kind of inner monologue reflection, usually with flashbacks or showing the scene while his voice continues... hahahaah, yeah this is mine.


the chasm that is great disappointment opens up and grabs me. is it over? is that it? and you're supposed to be the one i can count on? but then my friend showed me exactly why we have held onto each other all these years. in one moment, i knew why i loved her so much and cared so intricately for her.

I'm SO sorry. -Apology.

You didn't deserve that at all. -Compassion.

I am so, so, so sorry I didn't say anything. -Affirmation.

I hated every second of it, sitting in the back that whole time I just wanted to vomit. -Mutual Pain

I b*tched her out when we got in my car. I seriously yelled at her, you NEVER talk to my friend like that. Never. -Justice

I am so, so, so, so sorry. -Reaffirmation.
---

A picture of standing up for what's right. That's why I love her.

"it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

my dog of 13 years is dying and is being put to sleep in a couple weeks. sometimes when i come home at night and hear her tail wag against the carpet where she's lying, i just lay next to her and hug her and cry until my eyes dry up. i can't imagine her being gone. she's been the most loyal companion. ugh it kills me just thinking about it.

i just found out one of my best friends and my planned roommate for this fall isn't coming back to ISU because her parents won't let her. it's a total shock and neither of us saw this coming. now i'm roommate-less and wont have my best friend in my same major to be with me every day like we planned and were so excited about. i'm so upset, i haven't even begun to let it sink in completely.

my best friend here in wdm might be moving out to Colorado in the fall and living there. anybody else dear and special to me want to leave me? i mean, geez. i know this is just the kind of stuff that happens in life when you grow up and get older and friends get separated. all it means is you figure out ways to remain close even when far apart. ive had a lot of practice pretty much for the past 6 years of my life with that... doesnt make it any easier really, but, at least i know what to expect. i'm just really sad right now about everything.

not to mention i'm moving into a small apartment with my mom in a couple weeks, so my parents are actually separated pretty much and ill do the whole divorced kid thing now. even though theyre not officially divorced, it's basically the same situation.

I just don't know why God is letting all of this happen to me right now. I'm just gonna pray about it and trust in His will... i know everything will be ok... i'm just feeling all the sadness from it all, and i'm not sure how to go on like this. i have hope though.

"Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."

"I may have lost my way now- haven't forgotten my way home." -lifehouse

Awesome night= good music, good fellowship, good coffee, good movie, good friends, good food, good weather, and GOOD conversation centered on GOD.

the good music was all thanks to James & James, the good fellowship came from spending quality time with Laura and all the other Salt go-ers who came to support James Squared, and the good coffee was compliments of Cafe Diem. The good movie was IRON MAN and I recommend it to anybody who likes action, comedy, and heroes. The good friends came from getting to spend the night around Zach, Aubrey, Steve and Mike. The good food came from deciding to go to Angie's Kitchen, this cute little breakfast place, at 2 a.m. and eating all the delicious breakfast foods you could think of (sausages, hash browns, eggs, omeletts, toast, french toast, etc.), and the good weather because it was a clear, pleasant evening- not too cold, not too hot, summer almost blowing into the midwest. the good conversation was the best part of the night. Zach, Aubs and I talked for what started out to be a little 10-minute thing, then turned into an hour and a half thing. The three of us have always had something special when we sit down and put our guards down and talk about what's going on and what's beneath the surface. It has been a while since all three of us had been able to do so, especially with me moving all over the place and changing locations and not being in school. But God brought us together again, and it was incredible what came from it. It pushed me to think about my goals for the next few months to come, and what I need to be working on and how I need to go about doing it. I honestly couldn't have gotten to this point of clarity amidst all the chaos in my life without the Lord speaking through Aubrey in such an encouraging, non-judgmental, loving way, and using Zach to really understand me and help me see the big picture and tell me I *CAN* do it. There's strength behind his words, and redemption behind Aubrey's. And that's all I really needed.

"I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive."

These are things I love:
Paramore, my chiropractor Kory, seeing friendships last 4 years already and continuing, the musical Wicked, smelling summer in the air, learning patience, learning how to say "No, I'm not going to do it your way just because you tell me to and expect it," designing a line of clothes inspired by Hayley Williams, and last but not least... Scrubs. yup.

I was thinking before I fell asleep last night about who of my friends are going to be where for the summer. We're getting older. Moving away and moving on with our lives is a natural part of growing up. Most of the original posse is going to be in or around the Des Moines area. But several people whom I love very much are going to be far away. We've got Jamie at Eagle Lake in Colorado, Foster in Colorado as well, Austin in Missouri for Kanakuk, my darling Bekah is in Chicago as well as Steve, Kiki and Rhonda. Bryce is also in Missouri. Mel will be moved to her dad's in Florida. Brek will be in Wisconsin. Adam is still in North Carolina. Other friends are spread around Iowa, like Laura back in her hometown, Scott and Angie in Dubuque, Austin and Noel in Muscatine, Andrew B. and Alex S. in Clarinda. My sister, Adam H., Lindsey, Josh & Steve, and Mac are all in Ames. I think that's everybody who's not in the Des Moines area for the summer.

I am definitely thankful that Aubrey, Cort, Zach, Sam, Jared, James, Mitch, Matt, Brian, Kayla, Mike & Sarah, Tim, and JR will all still be around (I believe that's correct). Maybe more, it's hard to remember everybody. I really do have a lot of friends. A lot of good, good friends.

I am ecstatic for B Barker's Westwind church to start up in June! Seriously ecstatic. I see good things coming from this church plant.

Time to go lay around and be lazy on a raindy day. Peace and love!

Day6//2WeeksAnd1Day

I love when things turn out so much better than you could have ever thought they would turn out. I love that people we meet at the beginning surprise us in the middle and end up nowhere near what you thought of them at the beginning.

My college fling during my freshman year was with a boy that seemed perfect for me at first, but it didn't end up working out. I was very heartbroken over this (but in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been AS hurt). For many months I was heartbroken... but I knew God had more in store for us, I just knew in my heart I had to just endure the heartache for the time being and wait for what's next. So, we continued being friends and grew closer over the months after we decided not to be boyfriend-girlfriend, even through the 3 months of summer break when he went back to his home in Chicago and I was in West Des Moines. And when we came back to ISU in the fall, it was like we picked up right where we left off and grew even closer. Over the past 6 months, we went through that whole thing where.. some rough things are going on for one of the friends, and the other friend is there for the struggling friend.. and by doing that the two friends have an even closer bond because of what they went through together.

The thing about this guy is that he is one of my friends that doesn't really choose to follow Christ. He believes in God and grew up going to church with his family and has good foundational beliefs, but anything beyond that is non-existent. He is also one of those guys that watches ESPN all day every day and knows every football and basketball player's names and stats and everything in the sports realm. Not exactly my cup of tea. I play sports vigorously and have always been a natural athlete, but that's all. He isn't loud and dominating. He sometimes is surprised when I go in for a hug. He doesn't get upset often, he doesn't show much emotion...ever, and we can go hours of sitting on the futon together watching a movie or tv and not say a word to each other.. but that's just how we are. that's just how HE is. talking about what's going on in our lives comes in small bursts, slowly. he's very even-tempered. knows how to fix just about anything. sharp as a nail. but laughs at the silly, stupid things i say and do and sarcastically jokes back and forth with me at every chance he can get. you might say we are polar opposites with a couple things in common. and somehow, he is one of my best friends i count extremely important and would do just about anything for.

And I never would have thought one year and 6 months later, we would be how we are.

"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go..."

Wilson is a black and white furry little thing... the cutest little cat you'll ever meet. He loves to be hugged and held. He loves jumping from the ledge onto my shoulder and hanging out there for a while, purring as I scratch his fluffy little head. He likes to jump and climb up Bekah's leg into her arms. Wilson is a nice cat. Wilson is the best. Wilson warms my heart.

Chastity is a vibrant 4-year-old girl. She is a little angel, so innocent and so pure, a mini version of myself, blonde-haired child full of adventure and a love to snuggle. Full of creativity and already something special inside of her to express- she already has began making pottery and painting them with fantastic colors. They are exquisite.

Remington is the cutest 6 year old boy ever, with a smile that will break your heart, eyes so wide and open to learning about the world around him. He has such an imagination and such energy. We talk about our favorite Airhead flavors and he brings out his Pokemon card collection to show me what he has. Rem is the big bro to his little sisters. He is so fun and expressive.

Hope is a little baby, almost 1 year old. She's this little thing that cries a lot and is really loud, but most the time she just fascinates me. Her smile is so goofy and alluring all at the same time. She's learning how to high-five. She's this tiny angel staring up at me wondering who I am and I just feel a great desire rise up inside of me to show her how to live in this world the best I can. Babies freak me out initially, but Hope is inescapable- she draws me towards her every time, and I just want to see what she's going to do next.

Chief is an old, old, old dog. A rottweiler. he's big. He's got the cutest, old, wrinkly looking face and snout... SO cute. but this bellowing bark he feels the need to let us know he is still fierce and young and able to scare people away if he had to. silly Chief. First time I met him, thought I was going to lose my hand when he snapped at me and barked viciously. Now, I walk by him and it's like he has no power over me- I'm the master. it took a couple days, but he really is just a gentle giant dog that's really old and turned senile. Like your grumpy grandpa. yeah.

5 reasons I have been so filled with JOY this week. Every moment that comes, I'm seeing God pouring out His love for me all around me in every little thing. It's absolutely amazing and overwhelming to be so blessed and to see His love for me in the sweet little angels the kids I'm now living with are and Wilson the cat and Chief the dog. I just love the whole bunch. God is so good.

Darling, it's you I'm without

Change is your best and worst friend all at once. If you find a balance, things are ok.

I showered for the first time in my new shower today. I was unpleasantly surprised to discover a daddy-long-leg spider hanging out on the ceiling, far too close to where I was showering. I decided to be-friend him instead of be scared of him though, and named him Tyrone. He stayed in his place and I stayed in mine- the world was at peace. I hope I see Tyrone tomorrow. Otherwise, I might miss him a little.

I found out something last night. First off, three weeks or more worth of laundry takes FOREVER to dry. That's not the something I was going to share but it was worthy of mention and I'm a spaz. Anyway, the thing I found out last night besides the annoying side of laundry. Talking to my far-away friend on the phone, I found out the condition of a beautiful painting I painted and sent him for his 18th birthday (2 years ago). We had been dating for a long time, but broke up because the long-distance thing wasn't working. He then started dating another girl and had some rough times with her, resulting in the complete destruction of their relationship because this girl turned out to be a total psycho b-word... seriously. psycho. According to my old boyfriend and dear friend, she saw my painting in his room and went ape-mad and PUNCHED the canvas so that it was ripped from the staples holding it to the wooden frame, but thankfully the canvas was tough so it didn't rip where she punched it in. She did also throw it and it hit something sharp, so there is a small tear on the right upper side. Adam and his dad reconstructed it so it looks almost good as new, and he sent me a picture of what it looks like now.. and I must say, it looks just the way I sent it to him except for the tear in the canvas. :(

I was kind of shocked and frightened by the story, and I felt bad because I worked so hard on that painting and to find out someone had so much disrespect for a gift I made... it kind of hurts! but at least it looks pretty much the same. and at least I'm not the psycho girl. Mmhmm.

I have a nasty cold and it is beating me up :( I'm going to finish my tea and facebook some more.............

"I try to be delicate... then crash right into it."

If you were the most difficult person to love in this entire world with more problems than the worst i could ever imagine- i KNOW that i would do ANYTHING to help you and NEVER stop loving you. I don't know much about life, but I do know that I would keep loving you and never run out, never run dry inside.

People hit rock bottom in many different ways. From one perspective, someone else's idea of rock bottom may seem like actually being far from the bottom, from the pit. but for them, it's rock bottom. for you, rock bottom is something else. everybody hits rock bottom sometimes. you may not even know it, or it may be totally obvious.

If I thought about it... I guess the hardest person for me to love would be someone like Hitler or Charles Manson or some other famous person that brought devastation and murder and pain to humanity to some extent. But I can sit here and say in my heart and mean it-- I love them. I still love them. They were still human beings just like you and me- they had lives, they had problems, they had goals and aspirations, they were hurt, they might have been in love- whatever... they were humans. They experienced something that me being another human being can relate to in SOME way. And in no way do I condone what they did as being right and ok and tolerable, but I still love them. So how can I find it so hard to love the people that are my friends that I have great affection for and want to see happy and enjoying their lives, how can it be so hard? Exactly- it's not hard. No matter what problems I may have or had with you, it could be the worst problem EVER, but I still love you just the same. THE END- period.

What's your philosophy on love?

Did something happen in your life that changed it? Drastically, even? Were you one way a year ago and a completely different way right now? Were you let down? Were you hurt? Were you heartbroken? Did somebody gain your trust then throw it in your face and betray you? All of the above? At least one of the above? Whatever it may be for you, it's a shame to let the happenings of life tear down the meaning of love for you. No matter how many people break my heart, no matter how many people walk out on me that I poured myself into and gave everything to- I will NEVER stop loving, caring, feeling. I want to sometimes just because I get worn down from things just like everybody else- but at the end of the day... I can't imagine living without loving the way that I do, so unconditionally and exceptionally.

Am I the only person that thinks like this? That loves like this? Cause right now I feel like I am and it's the most depressing thing to ever realize. Especially when the one person you want to love you the most, can't. because they let something in the past alter their philosophy of love so much, they think it can't ever be the same (or more, BETTER) again. Shame. Damn shame. Breaks my heart.

"you can climb a ladder up to the sun..."

So, being on a bunch of medicines really opens your eyes up to how different drugs work in your body, and how amazingly helpful they can be, and how amazingly sucky they can be too. After my car accident, my doctor put me on an anti-anxiety medicine at a super low dosage (cause I'm such a skinny little girl...) and it definitely helped stop me from having anxiety attacks from nightmares of the crash, when I would be in a car and when I'd have flashbacks and things like that over the course of 10 days I think. Well now that I'm off of it, I noticed on the little packet of information on the drug that it says not to go off of it cold-turkey and just stop taking it. But I didn't know that and no one really told me about it and I didn't think anything of it especially with all the chaos that's been going on in my life.. just didn't cross my mind. Yeeeeah. Now I'm having all these things happen to my body like tremors in my hands and fingers that's.. actually really noticeable, and this crappy dry-mouth feeling and some other crappy things. But the tremors are the crappiest, my hands just shake and shake and shake. Ugh!!!!! And I guess when I was telling my mom the situation, she told me that's pretty much my body reacting to a physical addiction to the medicine because it's a "habit-forming" drug. Well shoot. I didn't know that. That's lame and I hate that my hands shake all the time.

Well that's my lame story of the day. My awesome story of the day is that Zach and I had a really great lunch together just the two of us at the MU today. We had an awesome talk and got a lot of things out in the open and stuff like that. I love Zach very, very much! :)

I'm excited for Salt tonight, and EXTREMELY nervous :( at the same time.....

go see The Bucket List it's SO SO SO good!!!!!!

Great things that happened today:

-saw the movie The Bucket List with Aubrey, James and Zach
-Aubs came over and we talked forever like old times
-We ate together at the udcc... I had 2 chocolate brownies and a bowl of ice cream!
-Brek and Steve saw us and sat down at our table and ate with us.. totally love 'em
-Duke played the NC tar heels in basketball tonight
-I found out Mac watches Curious George the cartoon on tv AND Arthur...who KNEW?!
-my best friend came back to me, and it makes me so happy
-today was Day 2 of living a renewed life in Christ
-Discovered that Aubrey has the new single by Miley Cyrus... we're obsessed with it.
-I felt so, so loved
-I made my mom cry tears of joy

Not so great things that happened today:
-unrequited love.....story of my life it seems.
-I already miss him.

The End!

He is my light, my strength, my song

Over the past week, I have gone through an immense amount of TRAUMA.

1. Severe bodily injury, as from a gunshot wound or a motor vehicle accident.
2. Psychological or emotional injury caused by a deeply disturbing experience.
3. A serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident.
4. An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person, often leading to neurosis (neurosis: any of various mental or emotional disorders involving symptoms such as insecurity, anxiety, depression, and irrational fears).

If I were to drive past the exact sight of where my car accident took place RIGHT this instant, I would have a panic attack and hyperventilate. My body is in a state of shock, in which it completely shuts itself down to protect itself after undergoing the intense collision from the semi-truck hitting my car. This causes my limbs to go numb and leaves me temporarily paralyzed and hard to catch my breath.

The first few days after the crash were the worst, where I could hardly sleep I was having such frequent nightmares of the semi-truck coming at me and hitting me. I haven't been able to write about the crash until recently, because I couldn't get the motivation inside- the memory was still too fresh. Now I can write about it. Now I can think about it and not break down into jelly.

My initial thoughts, besides sheer unbelief that I was alive and walking, were consumed with confusion and muddied with things I probably shouldn't have been thinking, but did anyway. Not like I was wishing I would have died, not at all, but just... this huge disbelief that I made it out alive, that God still had more for me to do on earth and I'm here for a reason. It was a wake-up call to my faith for sure.

My current thoughts are now surrounded and influenced by the post-affects of the accident... the trauma and what the shock did to my body. I have physical therapy for a month now, to help rebuild the ability to use my muscles properly and for them to heal appropriately. Also, to prevent them from healing the way that they currently are now-tight, basically on lock-down, and hard to move.

I have an amazing support group to do just that-- support me. Especially in these hard times of my life. In one of my many conversations about the crash and how I was doing, my sister encouraged me to focus on a specific command in the Bible- to be joyful even amidst great pain and suffering. That has been turning the wheel in my mind constantly since we had that talk, and I've been trying my hardest to follow the Word of God. Every muscle in my body is crying out "stop! it hurts! don't move!" but my heart is telling me to keep going, that no matter how much it hurts I can overcome, and to keep moving because someday I will be healed again- all in the power of Jesus Christ.

The past week, I've been in and out of doctor's offices, getting examined and X-rayed for hours and hours, getting expensive CT-scans and MRIs of my neck, brain and spinal cord, I've been strapped down to a solid plastic board for over 2 hours, I've been temporarily paralyzed for almost 3 hours at one time, I've been wheelchaired around hospitals because I couldn't walk, I've been undressed and naked in front of nurses because my arms couldn't move, I've been carried down 5 flights of stairs by Mark and Nick, I've been carried out to Melanie's car by Brek, I've had friends slap my face to wake me up when I stopped breathing, I've been more afraid for my own life than the last 18 years I've lived put together. But NO MATTER WHAT happens, NO MATTER WHAT I have to get through, i WILL NOT stop fighting, and i WILL NOT stop hoping and trusting in JESUS CHRIST-- my sole source of strength, my identity, my purpose, my EVERYTHING. Long enough I listened to, dwelled on, believed in, and acted on lies from the Devil- LONG ENOUGH. Freedom came through listening to, dwelling on, believing in, and acting on TRUTH. This song shows exactly what I'm talking about:

"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."
-In Christ Alone

LOVE<3

friendship at its best

I get great joy from observing friendship at its best with all kinds of people. I love the variety of friends I am blessed to know. I love seeing people exemplify the kind of love that comes from friendship that makes me think of how Jesus treated people. I love knowing that I have treated my friends the way that Jesus teaches us to treat people. But lately, with all the circumstances that have come up in my life, I've been the one on the receiving end of such wonderful treatment by friends. I get such warmth in my heart when I think about the actions of the people that I have come to know as great friends, but have not known as long as other friends. They are "newer" friends, but they are just as important and special to me. I just have more memories and even MORE closeness with my older friends.

It makes me feel good inside, thinking about Mel dropping everything she was doing and walking in the snow storm all the way to Campus Ave to get her car and take me to the hospital when I couldn't move nor walk yesterday.....wheeling me around in a wheelchair all over the hospital and helping me get dressed after my MRI (i was still temporarily paralyzed).......Her text that awoke me this morning saying that she was thinking about me and she loves me and hopes I feel better.....Steve and Brek, being at my side when i became numb again and making sure i didnt pass out..... Brek carrying me out to Mel's car, Steve on his crutches holding my purse.....the two of them checking up on me later and letting me sleep in their room to make sure nothing happened to me in the middle of the night and that I wasn't alone during this scary time in my life..... Steve texting me a few hours after I woke up asking me how I was doing and if I was ok....

All these little things that friends do (those are just a few examples fresh on my mind, so many others have come to my aid and done tons for me) and so often they go unnoticed by our human eyes- but they are of heavenly worth... I see Christ in them, even if they don't know themselves that's who they are exemplifying. I love my friends so much and could not get through this stuff without them.

the status of my health, still pending.

I was in a bad car accident on Wednesday, January 16th. This is what happened:

I merged onto the interstate, hitting a speed of about 55 mph, as traffic was moving slower due to the snowy weather. I was positioned in the middle lane, and began moving over into the far left lane. As I began shifting over into the lane, I felt my tires lose all traction and felt my adrenaline pump harder as I realized I was sliding and couldn't control it nor stop it. My first thought was that I didn't want to smash into the cement guardrail separating the two sides of the interstate at 55 mph. My car was shaking and sliding every which way, and then the back end of my jeep swung me around, spinning my car in a 360 degree turn so that I was sliding backwards, facing incoming traffic head on at an almost straight angle. Next, I saw the semi-truck coming at me and the only thing going through my mind was, "No...no..." and then it smashed into me, trying to swerve, and I don't remember what my car did after the hit- but it slid to a stop just a foot shy of the cement guardrail. As I saw the truck coming at me, I thought I was going to die for sure. I don't remember much besides that. I don't remember what my body did when the semi-truck collided with my jeep- all I remember is sitting there in the car on the shoulder by the guardrail in complete shock, stunned to be alive and breathing. I sat there in silence for a minute, then the inevitable happened- and I burst into tears and wailed and screamed.

Waiting for the cops to come was the worst. And not being able to get ahold of anyone to come to me was almost just as bad. I finally got in contact with my sister and Nick, and then my mom. I remember sitting there, shivering from the frigid cold air sinking into my skin while watching the snow fall around me. I remember when my mom finally pulled up, and I got out of my car and ran into her arms and cried. Everything after that seemed to move in slow motion, like I was in an unshakable daze. My neck felt stiff and tight, but other than that I was seemingly fine. 2 and a half hours later, I was back in Ames. The entire night I just felt like somebody had stunned me. I went to sleep, but woke up only a few hours later in the middle of the night with tears in my eyes and visions of the semi-truck coming at me and the crunching sound of my car when it hit. I tried to go back to sleep, but kept waking up time and time again from the same visions and I became hysterical from them. I also kept waking up with muscle pains all over my body. It was horrible. I prayed for Jesus to take away those visions. I fell asleep eventually but woke up not much later, having missed my first class already and decided I needed to rest and give myself a day to re-cooperate. I called the health center here on campus and explained I was in a bad car accident and wanted to get checked out. I was limping on my left knee and my neck and back were aching painfully, with headaches coming and going. I spent the next 3 hours getting examined by my doctor there and getting x-rays taken. No fractures were discovered after looking at the x-rays, but i was given a muscle relaxant to take at night and a soft neck brace to help support my neck and help with the pain.

I am now having other troubles with my body, as a result of the crash last Wednesday. It's scary and perplexing. All my limbs will suddenly go numb and I'm completely unable to move my arms and legs, hands and feet. I get these prickly tingles that radiate out to my fingers and down my legs to my toes until i can't feel them at all. Sunday night was the first time it occurred, and my sister and Nick took me to the ER after Nick and our friend Mark carried me down 5 flights of stairs and out to my sister's car. It was really frightening to not be able to move, and have to be in a wheelchair because I couldn't use my legs. I had to be "immobilized" which to the ER it means strap me down on this big, long board thing and have all these straps holding me snugly to it- I felt like a mummy all wrapped up, and it was extremely uncomfortable after I had been strapped to that flat, hard surface for 2 hours or so... my head felt like it was being smashed and my back hurt after they finally let me out of it. They had to make sure there wasn't something wrong with my spinal cord, and they took a CT-scan, which apparently didn't show anything was wrong. At first the neurologist wanted to admit me to the hospital and stay for a few days, but shortly after he examined me I began to get feeling back in my arms and legs. After that I was free to go since I wasn't "in danger" as he put it.

Well, today things got worse. After spending the night with my sister at her apartment, I arrived back to my dorm feeling tired, weak and overall fatigued, but otherwise I felt fine and normal. I was just doing little things in my room, I was on my laptop, got dressed for the day and everything, and made lunch plans to meet my friend Steve at the udcc at 1 pm. About 12:30 pm, I was lying down on my futon just resting before going to lunch, and all the sudden the numbness started doing the same thing it did last night, and i was completely paralyzed again. I tried with all my might to move my hand, or just a finger, ANYTHING, to reach for my phone, but I couldn't. Somehow I used my head and my mouth and pried open my cell phone with my tongue and pushed the most recent call button to get help. About 30 minutes later, I got feeling back in all my limbs and I could walk again. Weird, right? So I went to lunch and came back to my room afterwards to work on homework. Well, at about 2:30 I got a call from the hospital saying I needed to go there as soon as possible to get an MRI of my neck ordered by the neurologist. So I go down to Steve and Brek's room to borrow Steve's car since I didn't have any other way of transportation. I'm feeling kind of numb and dizzy and faint, and Steve didn't want me to drive myself if I wasn't feeling alright and he couldn't do it because he's on crutches from his leg surgery he had.... so I got ahold of our friend Mel to drive me and she just says she'll take me in her car, but she had to walk to Campus Ave to get it so it'd take about 20 mins. I sat down with Steve and Brek while I waited for Mel to pull up outside Friley. I was just SITTING there on the futon next to Steve... and all the sudden I lost all feeling again in my limbs and couldn't move for the life of me. I was just gonna wait it out, and I was able to wiggle my toes and feet after a little bit, but then my face got tingly and started to go numb as well and I felt my head roll down and I blacked out for a minute. I could hear Steve and Brek whistling and saying my name and I could lightly feel Steve touching my face trying to wake me up, but I couldn't open my eyes, and then I gasped for air and realized I hadn't been breathing and opened my eyes, but could hardly hold my head up I felt so weak and numb all over. Steve (on his crutches, mind you) got up and held all the doors so Brek could carry me out to Mel's car. Mel drove me to the hospital, I had to be wheeled in a wheelchair everywhere because I couldn't walk or move at all still, and they did the MRI of my neck. It had been like an hour, and I could walk on my legs at that point but they weren't very strong and it was extremely difficult. Mel did everything for me and she was such a good friend to me, ugh I just love her to death. She helped me back up to my room, it was 5 or something by then. Since then I've been in my room lying down mostly, just trying to not worry about anything and just focus on my body and do everything i can to be relaxed and just trust in God through this whole thing. I'm not worrying about the classes I'm going to miss (the doctor ordered me not to go anywhere tomorrow, especially not until he's called me and talked to me about the results of my MRI). I'm very, very scared... but I know this is all apart of God's plan for my life and I know He will never leave me or forsake me.

My body goes in and out of numbness. My neck hurts in the back pretty badly and my upper back has shooting pains at times too. I feel fatigued overall, and short of breath sometimes. Right now, all I can do is pray that the doctor will have answers for me tomorrow. I don't know if I will have to be hospitalized or not. At this point, I'm leaving it up to God and whatever happens I will get through it, I know I will. Please pray for the healing of my body and peace of mind. <3

the coffee shop owner told me I have a great smile. :-)

I can feel my heart speeding up and speeding down, over and over again. I feel reality hit me in the face and I get mad at it, I want to stomp all over it, I resist it, I hate it, I let it burn my eyes with all the tears spilling out, and then... I know everything is going to be ok someday. And I spend time not thinking about what my heart wants to think about. I spend time being around people who make me smile, and cuddle with me and make me feel warm and content even when things seem icy and chaotic. Sam, Aubrey, Caely, JR, James, Tim, Foster, and Rob come over to my house... and the entire time the boys whine about the tv show we were watching- "Say Yes to the Dress"- a show about women from all over the place coming to this one wedding gown store in New York to find their perfect wedding dress and what goes on between the buyers and the sellers...haha, the girls were loving it OBVIOUSLY, and the boys just thought it was ridiculous (and it was, in some ways, I admit). I got to see my best friend and have her walk over to me and command me to hug her and tell me how much she missed me. I just love these people with all that is in me, and it meant so much to me that they came over to my house to be with me when all I really felt like doing was exactly what I shouldn't be doing- hiding in my bed with the covers over my head.

New Years Eve. Everyone makes such a big deal about it, but I've learned that it's really not. I've never gotten a big new years kiss, I've never had some amazing revelation that comes directly from the clock turning midnight and changing to a new year, and I've never gotten wasted and partied til 6 in the morning or anything like that. Though my heart was someplace else entirely, I pushed myself to make the drive back to my home- Ames, to be with my darling sister. I arrived at her apartment and we sat and watched Project Runway until deciding to go grocery shopping, since Erin was pretty much out of everything. Grocery shopping might sound boring, but not with The Sexton Sisters... haha. We started our grocery shopping adventure and went up and down the aisles, me pushing a messed up cart that only wanted to go to the right, grabbing this and that and throwing it in the cart. After a very tall man helped us get something off a very high shelf, and getting a nice bottle of red wine to have with our dinner (grilled chicken italian panini!! awesome find on my part if I do say so myself!), we headed home grooving to old-school Lifehouse tunes (so good). Back at the apartment, we got our dinner ready and had a glass of wine with it :). Then we cuddled on the couch together watching Project Runway until it was party time! We both got dressed in our gorgeous outfits, took pics, and headed over to this lady's house that Erin and Jamie know. There were tons of people there and it was a warm, happy environment that I loved immediately. I got to see JAMIE!!!!!!!!!!! which was the best ever. So Erin, Jamie and I hung out and talked for like an hour and I got to try Erin's cup of Sangria and Jamie's Blue Moon beer, haha. Then the three of us drove back to their apartment to see Austin, Bry, and Foster and hang out at Meg's part there for a bit. After the boys left, the three of us went BACK to the other party for the official turn of the new year. Arriving back at the house, we all were in a circle yelling jovially in a heated game of Catchphrase.. hahah, so awesome. People were being hilarious and it didn't even matter one bit that I knew no one except for 4 of the people in the room of like 20 or 25 people. About 10 seconds before the new year, somebody turned on mtv just as the ball dropped and hit 2008, and everyone had a cup of champagne and yelled CHEERS! and Happy New Year! haha. i must say, champagne is one of my favorites for sure. After finishing the champagne, Erin and I left for the apartment and crashed. All in all- it was great. I had moments of brokenness, but always forced my head up high and let myself enjoy the night with Jamie and Erin.


THe next day, I headed over to Zach's dorm to spend some time with him. We talked for about an hour and a half in his room, and it was just what I needed. I love Zach sooo much :). Then we went and got Randy, ate at Arby's, and the two of them left to get Randy to the airport for his flight to New York. I went back to my sis's apartment and hung out with her and showered. I ended up driving back to WDM around 8:30 that night and joined all my friends at James' house for a fun evening of hilarious-ness... haha.

First we all just sat around and talked, then we decided to play the game Pit. hahaha, it was crazy. the 9 or 10 of us sitting in a circle yelling our heads off in this game. It was mass chaos. Then we decided to play the game Spoons, which turned into everyone getting violently mad at each other to get a spoon haha. So then we decided to play a more organized game, so we pulled out the game Cranium. After discovering that people couldn't sketch things to save their lives when we kept getting blue cards, we found out that organized board games are not possible for 10 people who are talking and yelling and laughing all at the same time... lol. so THEN the people who were still remaining- Aubrey, Zach, Kate, me, Stevie, James, Sam, Emily, and Ryan.... played Charades. oh geez. That was just ridiculous. haha. Besides Zach's decision to write "poop" on one of the sheets of paper to choose from, some of them were really good and really entertaining to guess. After playing for a few rounds, everyone left except for me, Zach, James, Kate, and Ryan. Kate watched while Zach, James, Ryan and I played the game of Risk. eventually Kate left and it was just the four of us........and the game lasted THREE. AND. A. HALF. HOURS. hahahaha. It was the most intense, hilarious game of Risk that will probably ever be played. There were heated words exchanged, smack-talk up the wazoo, egos busted down, and beloved countries were raped and ravaged. My best moment was having conquered ALL of Asia and holding on to it as long as I could, then my worst moment came when Ryan completely ravaged and took over the entire continent leaving me with barely any guys left.......then when it was my turn, I promptly took the entire continent back and completely ravaged him out of MY continent. haha. SEe? very intense. But Ryan and I were no match for James and Zach's huge masses of armies.... we were both obliterated off the face of the earth :(. It came down to a huge attack between James' Northwest Territory and Zach's Alaska. Sooo intense. The dice rolling took 8 minutes but felt like forever. In the end, James beat down Zach and won the game of Risk. Ugh...... he would. It was 3:30 in the morning by this time, haha, and it was definitely worth it.


So here I am at Java G's. My heart is sore, but I feel better after writing about my fun adventures. I'm going out to dinner with my mom in a couple hours at The Olive Garden (i've never been there before). later gators.
Love. <3

I see your heart...... it's beautiful.

heyyyyyyyyyy.

So. I have had SO much fun this weekend, it's been amazing! Both Friday and Saturday nights were spent dancing the night away (seriously!) in the official "frat house" of Friley... the one and only Niles-Foster.

It's like a frat, except no creepers, and it's not lame. I love the whole group! I've met so many people and made really good friends through spending so much time with Nick and all the guys on his floor, and the other girls that call Niles-Foster their home pretty much. We kinda feel like one big family. When you put your arms around each other and make one big circle, yelling in chorus "I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys at 2 a.m.... you kinda find yourselves closer than you were before... haha. it's friggin' awesome!

I've been trying my hardest to not dwell on the things going on with my parents, or any other stress-causer in my life that I cannot control. I'm just focusing on myself. I'm focusing on getting through finals week and that's IT. that's all I can do. then it's time to get my wisdom teeth out and I'm not gonna worry about it until December 17th comes around.

I was inspired to paint yesterday, so I painted while Nick recorded in his room, and the creative juices were allowed to flow and it was FANTASTIC! I am so satisfied with the result... I seriously love this painting.


I did all sorts of new, fun techniques, which I love about the arts... really gets me pumped up! Then today, Nick recorded a part he wrote for me to sing in this new song he's recording... it's a pretty acoustic song, not really like his other stuff. I was surprised how shy I was to sing in front of him, and I don't know how many times I had to do it.. over and over and over and over and over again, but I got it pretty perfect and it sounds super good......I can't believe it's me singing! wooo! way fun.

I'm not getting stressed about it being dead week. I love dead week, actually. Even though I have very tough tests to prepare for... being anxious and stressed about tests is not the way to be successful, I've definitely learned that. Just relax and have fun- watch movies while it's cold and snowy outside, drink tea and hot cocoa, and just make sure to study a little every day and you'll be just fine- at least, just do the best you can do, and that's all you should worry about.



P.S. Anybody else TOTALLY EXCITED to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie coming out!?!?! it looks freaking HILARIOUS!!! :)

"take these broken wings and learn to fly"

It's been a different kind of Thanksgiving Break for me this fall. Although the circumstances around me have changed, being thankful stays the same. I'm still extremely thankful for the life I have and the people in it. I'm so thankful for my God looking out for me and never leaving me alone during a time of great need and also during times of no particular need at all. I'm so grateful for His love, always flowing down to me, always being revealed to me in the people who care about me.

I can't lie- this has been a really hard day. It's been very depressing. I have to try with every fiber in my body to not let it get me down. I feel trapped in this house, suffocating from the tension and the restraint and the suppressed emotions that just want to burst out of me. I look outside and watch the snow blow around and settle down into the thick blanket of white freezing the ground and killing the plants underneath it. And it makes me think of the reality going on around me right now. Family hasn't been my definition of family for 5 or 6 years, but this time the meaning of family really isn't from my own "nuclear family" at all. If my "nuclear family unit" or whatever you like to call it, were the only sense of family I knew, I certainly wouldn't be the warm, friendly, loving person that I am right now. The portrait of the family has changed over time for me. Family in the sense that I know and love, comes from my "family" of friends that I am so blessed to have. The people that cook fettucini alfredo or macaroni n cheese and sit around watching The Office and drinking tea, that's my family. The people that I laugh with after a good "That's what she said" joke. The people that make me warm and happy on the inside, the ones that, no matter what I may be going through, can make me smile and feel good. THAT'S my family. The ones that I know are praying for me, are thinking about me, are caring about me by just one look into their eyes or one hug into their open arms. I love my family.

You know you have it good when you can sit and literally DO nothing, but feel in your heart a happiness and a joy just to be in the presence of people who reciprocate love and friendship. I have it better than most, I'd say.

It's hard to have this sudden (it may not seem sudden, but it feels that way to me) void in my heart, where I'm just very AWARE that I don't have a real family to go home to... not the kind of family that all my other friends talk about when they are getting ready to leave college for break to go back home to and celebrate a holiday with. But that's what it is, it's a void. It's this empty, blank spot in my heart. But it gets filled up in various ways.... like, Tuesday night when I drove out to Nick's dad's house and watched random tv shows with Nick and his dad, and then when his sisters and stepmom got home they were all there too. It felt like a family. Just sitting there on the couch, watching The Office and Dancing With The Stars, sipping hot cocoa and listening to Barb try to help Nick's little sister Megan with her school project. THe fire place was on. It was warm. It made me happy to see a real family and be around it for a while. That fills my void for the time being. Last night when Nick, Sam, Michelle, Scott, Caleb and I went to Immersion... that did it too. Looking down the row we filled, I felt like I was with my family. Then afterwards, we all went back to Scott's and went on an adventure to make the perfect dinner by getting a bunch of food at Wal-mart... we made fettucini alfredo with chicken, and had apple pie and pumpkin pie with ice cream for desert. Nick and Scott played the piano and me and Michelle sang and hummed, Scott and I "broke into" the Laugerman's house (don't worry James... Stevie gave me permission) to get all of Scott's food that he left over there, and everyone laughed when they found out the cd that is stuck in my now BROKEN cd player is The Freedom Project and it's the only music I can listen to while in my car except for crappy radio stations.

I guess The Beatles got it right when they wrote, "oh I get by with a little help from my friends."
-------------------------------------------

It's uncomfortable here
frozen hearts grow mute
the lights are on but we can't see
the music plays but it's just a dream
cause nothing really works the way it should
when everything that's real is broken.

"This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world..."

well I don't think I drowned the whole world, but I probably have cried a river over the past 2 weeks. I probably cried a small creek just last night at Salt Company.

The whole night overwhelmed my heart. The minute I started singing in the first set of worship songs, I started tearing up. When we sang my favorite song of all time (From the Inside Out), it made a steady flow of tears begin to fall. When the woman got up and shared a little bit of her story and that the night was going to be about trials and suffering, I couldn't believe the timing of this message. Right in the midst of my biggest trial, my most suffering, we're going to talk about it at Salt. Oh geez. I needed kleenex very badly at this point, but Erin had none in her purse. I just had to use my sleeves. Then she sang a song that made me flat out start bawling. The words about going through the fire but not going through it alone, it was like God was speaking to me and only me. I cried the entire time Mark gave the message. My eyes were absolutely burning at that point.

I'm not being persecuted for being a Christian and suffering because of that, but I am suffering and it is a kind of suffering that God chose for me to go through and live through and use as a testimony to show others my faith and show God's glory. When Mark said one of his main points was that suffering doesn't make sense without God, that one really got to me. Because these past 2 weeks, I tried to make sense of how much pain I was constantly in... but the truth was it never made sense. Feeling the kidney stone pain frequently all day long, being unable to stand at night when it hit countless times up in Nick's room, having to explain time after time again to every professor what was going on with me... it accumulated to WAY too much pain for just one person, in my head. But then last night at Salt, it forced me to look at my suffering through the cross-lense, as Mark called it. I saw it God's way, not just my human way. And I was determined to not miss this opportunity to use my suffering as a tool to strengthen my own faith and maybe even the faith of others, maybe others who don't know about Jesus yet.

I thought I was done with the tears, but they started up again during the last set of worship songs. And then when we were free to leave, I turned to Erin and I just LOST it. And she hugged me and held onto me. And then I felt someone else surround me and my sister in a hug. For a brief second I opened one blurry eye and saw a charcoal gray-colored sleeve and I knew it was Nick. And then the three of us broke apart, and Nick just pulled me in again and held me while I continued to cry and cry and cry, and Erin got me napkins to blow my nose....finally. It was like I was crying all the pain out, releasing it all.

Last night was... exhausting.

"there's nothing you can make that can't be made, there's no one you could save that can't be saved..."

After spending so much time looking inward, and reflecting, and evaluating... I start to look outward with great fervor and passion. I've focused a lot on myself because I had to, whether it was dealing with my sickness and my feelings with all of that and my strength, whether it's looking inside myself and figuring out what needs to be done to get back on track with God, or whatever.. I've just had to spend a lot of time dealing with myself, definitely limiting how much I am able to focus on others, to focus outward. I think both are important, but I know that they can't always be balanced perfectly in life too. That's kinda just how it is.

So I'm really paying attention to what's going on with the people surrounding me, and I just really care about them. A lot. I care so freaking much, it hurts. I want to help so bad, but I know I can't do anything and I shouldn't because it's not my job to fix everyone else's problems- I know that. But I still care so much. Like I wish I could fix what's going on at my home, I wish I could make depressed people not as depressed, I wish I could help an off-tracker get back on track, I wish I could change what happened to make a cheery girl so dreary and different now, I wish I could help a lost soul get found, I wish I could fix everything so that the people I care about could not feel down or hurt or discouraged. I just want everybody to feel good and have no problems. But of course, that's not how humanity is supposed to be. I still find myself wanting it though, I can't help it. I just hate seeing others stumble, fall, cry, and hurt. Maybe it hurts me so much because I know how much it hurts, to whatever extent. I may be only 19, but I've got a lot of experiences under my belt thus far. I wouldn't say my life is anything close to pain-free or easy or un-burdened. I also wouldn't say it's sooooooo unbearably hard and bad all the time, but I have definitely seen a lot and felt a lot that gives me insight into other people's problems.

I just really, really care. It breaks my heart.