be of good cheer!

These are some things I am thinking and praying about this week... good things to keep close to your heart:


"Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep."--Romans 12:15

Galatians 5:16-25~

16 I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. 17 For the flesh lusts against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; and these are contrary to one another, so that you do not do the things that you wish. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.
19 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery,^[a] fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, 20 idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, 21 envy, murders,^[b] drunkenness, revelries, and the like; of which I tell you beforehand, just as I also told you in time past, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control. Against such there is no law. 24 And those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. 25 If we live in the Spirit, let us also walk in the Spirit.

Philippians 3:12-14 ~

12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.

1 John 2:15-17

15 Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16 For all that is in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—is not of the Father but is of the world. 17 And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever.

John 16:33 ~

"These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world."
----------------

Amen.

adversity

"Then all his brothers, all his sisters, and all those who had been his acquaintances before, came to him and ate food with him in his house; and they consoled him and comforted him for all the adversity that the Lord had brought upon him. Each one gave him a piece of silver and each a ring of gold. Now the Lord blessed the latter days of Job more than his beginning; for he had fourteen thousand sheep, six thousand camels, one thousand yoke of oxen, and one thousand female donkeys. He also had seven sons and three daughters. And he called the name of the first Jemimah, the name of the second Keziah, and the name of the third Keren-Happuch. In all the land were found no women so beuatiful as the daughters of Job; and their father gave them an inheritance among their brothers. After this Job lived one hundred and forty years, and saw his children and grandchildren for four generations. So Job died, old and full of days."--Job 42: 11-17
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Psalm 35:

1 Plead my cause, O LORD, with those who strive with me;
Fight against those who fight against me.
2 Take hold of shield and buckler,
And stand up for my help.
3 Also draw out the spear,
And stop those who pursue me.
Say to my soul,
“I am your salvation.”

4 Let those be put to shame and brought to dishonor
Who seek after my life;
Let those be turned back and brought to confusion
Who plot my hurt.
5 Let them be like chaff before the wind,
And let the angel^[a] of the LORD chase them.
6 Let their way be dark and slippery,
And let the angel of the LORD pursue them.
7 For without cause they have hidden their net for me in a pit,
Which they have dug without cause for my life.
8 Let destruction come upon him unexpectedly,
And let his net that he has hidden catch himself;
Into that very destruction let him fall.

9 And my soul shall be joyful in the LORD;
It shall rejoice in His salvation.
10 All my bones shall say,
“LORD, who is like You,
Delivering the poor from him who is too strong for him,
Yes, the poor and the needy from him who plunders him?”

11 Fierce witnesses rise up;
They ask me things that I do not know.
12 They reward me evil for good,
To the sorrow of my soul.
13 But as for me, when they were sick,
My clothing was sackcloth;
I humbled myself with fasting;
And my prayer would return to my own heart.
14 I paced about as though he were my friend or brother;
I bowed down heavily, as one who mourns for his mother.

15 But in my adversity they rejoiced
And gathered together;
Attackers gathered against me,
And I did not know it;
They tore at me and did not cease;
16 With ungodly mockers at feasts
They gnashed at me with their teeth.

17 Lord, how long will You look on?
Rescue me from their destructions,
My precious life from the lions.
18 I will give You thanks in the great assembly;
I will praise You among many people.

19 Let them not rejoice over me who are wrongfully my enemies;
Nor let them wink with the eye who hate me without a cause.
20 For they do not speak peace,
But they devise deceitful matters
Against the quiet ones in the land.
21 They also opened their mouth wide against me,
And said, “Aha, aha!
Our eyes have seen it.”

22 This You have seen, O LORD;
Do not keep silence.
O Lord, do not be far from me.
23 Stir up Yourself, and awake to my vindication,
To my cause, my God and my Lord.
24 Vindicate me, O LORD my God, according to Your righteousness;
And let them not rejoice over me.
25 Let them not say in their hearts, “Ah, so we would have it!”
Let them not say, “We have swallowed him up.”

26 Let them be ashamed and brought to mutual confusion
Who rejoice at my hurt;
Let them be clothed with shame and dishonor
Who exalt themselves against me.

27 Let them shout for joy and be glad,
Who favor my righteous cause;
And let them say continually,
“Let the LORD be magnified,
Who has pleasure in the prosperity of His servant.”
28 And my tongue shall speak of Your righteousness
And of Your praise all the day long.
---------------------
Psalm 94:

1 O LORD God, to whom vengeance belongs—
O God, to whom vengeance belongs, shine forth!
2 Rise up, O Judge of the earth;
Render punishment to the proud.
3 LORD, how long will the wicked,
How long will the wicked triumph?

4 They utter speech, and speak insolent things;
All the workers of iniquity boast in themselves.
5 They break in pieces Your people, O LORD,
And afflict Your heritage.
6 They slay the widow and the stranger,
And murder the fatherless.
7 Yet they say, “The LORD does not see,
Nor does the God of Jacob understand.”

8 Understand, you senseless among the people;
And you fools, when will you be wise?
9 He who planted the ear, shall He not hear?
He who formed the eye, shall He not see?
10 He who instructs the nations, shall He not correct,
He who teaches man knowledge?
11 The LORD knows the thoughts of man,
That they are futile.

12 Blessed is the man whom You instruct, O LORD,
And teach out of Your law,
13 That You may give him rest from the days of adversity,
Until the pit is dug for the wicked.
14 For the LORD will not cast off His people,
Nor will He forsake His inheritance.
15 But judgment will return to righteousness,
And all the upright in heart will follow it.

16 Who will rise up for me against the evildoers?
Who will stand up for me against the workers of iniquity?
17 Unless the LORD had been my help,
My soul would soon have settled in silence.
18 If I say, “My foot slips,”
Your mercy, O LORD, will hold me up.
19 In the multitude of my anxieties within me,
Your comforts delight my soul.

20 Shall the throne of iniquity, which devises evil by law,
Have fellowship with You?
21 They gather together against the life of the righteous,
And condemn innocent blood.
22 But the LORD has been my defense,
And my God the rock of my refuge.
23 He has brought on them their own iniquity,
And shall cut them off in their own wickedness;
The LORD our God shall cut them off.
--------------------

Psalm 5:

1 Give ear to my words, O LORD,
Consider my meditation.
2 Give heed to the voice of my cry,
My King and my God,
For to You I will pray.
3 My voice You shall hear in the morning, O LORD;
In the morning I will direct it to You,
And I will look up.

4 For You are not a God who takes pleasure in wickedness,
Nor shall evil dwell with You.
5 The boastful shall not stand in Your sight;
You hate all workers of iniquity.
6 You shall destroy those who speak falsehood;
The LORD abhors the bloodthirsty and deceitful man.

7 But as for me, I will come into Your house in the multitude of Your mercy;
In fear of You I will worship toward Your holy temple.
8 Lead me, O LORD, in Your righteousness because of my enemies;
Make Your way straight before my face.

9 For there is no faithfulness in their mouth;
Their inward part is destruction;
Their throat is an open tomb;
They flatter with their tongue.
10 Pronounce them guilty, O God!
Let them fall by their own counsels;
Cast them out in the multitude of their transgressions,
For they have rebelled against You.

11 But let all those rejoice who put their trust in You;
Let them ever shout for joy, because You defend them;
Let those also who love Your name
Be joyful in You.
12 For You, O LORD, will bless the righteous;
With favor You will surround him as with a shield.
-----------------
John 14:23-24

23 Jesus answered and said to him, "If anyone loves Me, he will keep My word; and My Father will love him, and We will come to him and make Our home with him. 24 He who does not love Me does not keep My words; and the word which you hear is not Mine but the Father's who sent Me.
-----------------
James 1:2-3


2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience.
-----------------

Amen.

tuesday and wednesday happiness.

Tuesday:

the tuesday lunch bunch (for once all 4 of us were present! cort, erin, jamie, and me) had some good laughs and good conversations once again. random snippings:

to me: "why wont you just walk me to class!" --cort
"cort i have a question for you." --erin
**theoretical discussion on anti-semitism**
to cort: "so when do you want me to come over, 2:30?" --me
"i'm gonna go to class... then take a shower." --cort
"is that a yes?" --me
**just looks at me**
"ok i'm just gonna be over at 2:30 then, whether you want me to or not." --me
**cort says goodbye to us all, walks away to take his lunch tray and leave**
**all the sudden, he's standing next to our table again**
"so i have a theory. and this is going to make me late for class, but...." --cort
**we listen**
**we laugh**
the end.

that was funny to me, but probably not to anyone else. :-)

the rest of my Tuesday was great. Cort and I did our Library 160 hmwrk on his couch for about an hour and 15 minutes. He admitted he probably wouldnt have gotten the motivation to do it himself if i hadnt come over to do it with him, haha. We got a tonnn done! Then he checked his email and was on his computer for awhile, while i sprawled out on the couch and read The New York Times. JR woke up from his nap and left, then all the sudden I was sound asleep! I woke up at 5:30 and Cort was asleep in his loft with his Bible next to him. I guess the library homework pretty much sedated us or something... yeah. So I played super mario for 15 minutes, left sleeping Cort a note, and left to eat dinner at the udcc with Jamie! That night, all I did was study and work on hmwrk.... like for hours and hours! ugh. it was yucky. I studied for my geology midterm for over an hour, then gave up and decided i was not going to stress out about it at all. it felt good to just be calm and feel peaceful, even with a yucky test looming over my head. i credit God with pretty much all of my peace as of late. i have been reading so much of the Word and praying much more than usual, and i am finding it makes life so much better. i feel so close to Him.

Wednesday

Erin and I had our sister dinner night together at the udcc. It is still quite painful for me to eat and drink, with my awful cankor sores :-( but I think it's slowly getting less painful.. very slowly. anyway, we had a wonderful talk and caught up on our weeks. I helped her a little with some issues that had been going on earlier that day with her, and it made me feel happy to know I helped out my sister. Even though she's older than me, sometimes I feel like I can fill that older-sister role when she's having a hard time. We have each others backs, when one is down the other helps bring you back up :-). Her boyfriend, Brian, surprised her from behind and also made her feel a lot better about things, it was really cute. Erin and I decided to go to the Lied rec center later and play raquetball and soccer! yay! we took the bus at like 7:30, so from 7:45 til 9 we had some fun at the rec center. we were doing so well at raquetball, seriously we were rocking that court! haha.

afterwards, erin went back to friley and i stopped in at birch to see Mike and Zach! i watched laguna beach, haha, and mike kinda watched it with me... he was trying to act like he wasnt wanting to watch it.. but i think he kinda did... lol. then zach got back from dodgeball. so the rest of the night we hung out together. i hung out with them and josh, and mike thomason, and duncan. at one point, i played this cool basketball video game with mike thomason in his room, haha, first against mike, and then against duncan. i was pretty good, and its kind of an addicting game! well it was late, very late, haha, so yeah i said goodbye to everyone and walked out the side door of birch to walk home. duncan saw me and was like 'hey, are you leaving?' i said yes, then he said, 'well i'll walk you back!' :-) haha so he walked me home!!!!!!! and we talked the whole way back about swimming and soccer and stuff. it was cute. :-) he is so easy to talk with. it was a nice night to take a walk. it made me happy.

that's all i had to write about. i think i'm going to take the rest of this day and just relax, and do homework, maybe curl up later and watch a movie or tv. yeahhh. love! <3

is He in you?

Have you ever just sat down and read through the book of Proverbs? I suggest you do it sometime. I got so much out of it, I'm not done yet with the whole book, but I am just learning so much. It's really interesting for me to read through these Proverbs and get to one that totally relates to my life situation right now. Like...

"One who turns away his ear from hearing the law, even his prayer is an abomination."

do you have people in your life you really care about who are aware that they're living in sin, but just keep doing it? have you ever done that before? i know i have before many times, since I am no where close to being perfect, and reading that proverb just hits me hard and helps me to want to get back on track with God. and for people i love who do it, i just want to pray for them even more than before. that word 'abomination' just gets to me!

oh i love this one...

"As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend."

I remember talking about something along these lines in Barnabus Team last year sometime... about how we sharpen each other as Christians, and how important it is to hold each other accountable, because otherwise we will just be dull and weak. but by sharpening each other, we are stronger and less susceptible to evil.

I think this one is so, so true in our daily lives:

"The beginning of strife is like releasing water; therefore stop contention before a quarrel starts."

This one helps encourage me to pick my close companions very carefully:

"The righteous should choose his friends carefully, for the way of the wicked leads them astray."

This one makes me think of the difference between how humans think and how God thinks:

"Every way of a man is right in his own eyes, but the LORD weighs the hearts."

This one just confuses me in a way that... i just cant fathom it, i dont know:

"A man's steps are of the Lord; How then can a man understand his own way?"

This one is something I have known of since I was very little, it's a verse my parents taught me I think, or it's written on something we have had in our house since I was little, yeah thats right:

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."

Here is a great one:

"Evil men do not understand justive, but those who seek the LORD understand all."

Ok, well, I have just been very enlightened tonight and thought I would share what stood out to me. I don't have a daily devotional or weekly devotional book, or whatever. I learned when I was very young that I didn't learn well in a structured format, but rather when I feel convicted or prompted by the Holy Spirit to dig into the Word. THat may sound like the wrong way to do it, but, the important thing is that I developed a habit of doing it. I dont think there are right or wrong ways to spend time with God alone, or meditate on His Word, or do a devotional (whatever you choose to call it, it's all the same). I think as long as you do it habitually, and are getting a consistent filling of the Word, then you are ok. Pastor Dan Wentworth said it best one hot morning during a group devotional in Belize in Summer 2005... we are like oranges. when we are squeezed, whatever is inside of us will come out. If we fill ourselves with God's Word, when we are squeezed, God will come out of us. That way, we show others the love of Jesus Christ. That's why it's important to get a consistent filling from the best book out there- The Bible.

I don't know why I have written so much lately, I suppose I am just having one of my inspired impulses... after all, that's what my ENFP type says about me! haha. :-)

oh and sorry I didn't put any of the references after the proverbs, maybe I will come back and edit this post with all the references at a later time. but right now... i'm too lazy and want to go to bed. :-)

am I the center of my life?

I'm sitting here on my futon, absorbing my daily dose of news from The New York Times. My room smells of lemon-lavender. The space heater is humming as it oscillates and warms my room. I am nice and toasty. It is cold and uncomfortable outside. This is when I just love being in my room.

"The conflict in Darfur began when black African rebels took up arms in early 2003, accusing the government of neglect. Khartoum responded by arming and financing Arab militias who conducted a campaign of violence against civilians that the United Nations has called ethnic cleansing and the Bush administration has called genocide."

You can read more about Darfur here.

As I read this, in one of the many articles in today's New York Times about Darfur, it hit me that when this conflict began, I was in my freshman year of high school. Now I am a freshman in college. In 2003, I was worried about a number of things being a 14 year old girl... like what I was going to wear that day to school to make people like me more, whether or not I was going to choke giving my speech in my speech class where I met my first real high school boyfriend, and if I was going to be good enough to play soccer on the Valley soccer team with all these other girls who played Select all their lives, unlike me. See, I was a very preoccupied girl. I had lots on my mind, didn't I? I remember being very obsessed with what other people thought of me. I was learning that my behavior and choices could either make or break my reputation. I was mad I wasn't in the popular crowd, I was sad that I had to be in the hospital for 3 days because of kidney stones, I was scared to be myself around almost everyone at school, I was proud of my 4.0 at the end of the year, and..... I was completely oblivious to affairs having to do with anything or anyone other than myself.

It's true. I didn't know anything about Darfur then. I barely do now, but I at least have some knowledge about what's going on.

I guess I am just a little astounded that 4 years ago all of these problems started in Africa, and I was concentrated on... my problems. Not that it's bad to deal with the stuff that's going on in your own life, but, I just feel like that's ALL I did. And, some of the things that happened in 9th grade were kinda big deals, like my hospitalization, but... most of them were not. Most things were just stupid. But that is to be expected when you're 14, is it not? well I'm 18 now, and I just think that if I'm still acting the same way I did when I was 14, something needs to change. I definitely pay attention to world affairs more, I mean heck, I'm going to minor in Political Science and I'm currently taking a class in International Politics. A lot of the time, we spend the class period discussing current events like things having to do with Iraq, Iran, North Korea, Darfur, and Hezbollah. Anyway, so I don't think I still have the perspective of a 14 year old, but I think there are still days that go by where all I do is think of myself.

When I read about these things in the news, I guess I just realize how important it is to open your eyes. But, I don't know... I think caution is necessary too. Like, for example... it's good to not be sheltered and naive... if I'm hanging out with people and some of them or most of them are going to start drinking, I can stay and hang out with them and still not drink, but if I know that it is really hard for me to say no and I feel tempted very easily, then I should probably leave. I would exert caution in a situation like that, it's necessary. Otherwise, I could end up making a bad choice because I didn't remove myself from a tempting situation. I have to KNOW that going into it though. You have to think about those things before you just dive in. I think it's kind of a spiritual maturity issue. Jesus hung out with prostitutes and drunkards, didn't he? Yeah, true, but that's not an excuse for us to do the same and then use it to justify our sins when we fall into temptation.

So, basically... I think it's important to open your eyes to what's going on in our world. Read the newspaper, watch the news on tv, listen to the radio, whatever you do to get your news. BUt just do something. How can we pray for all the nations of the world when we don't even know what's going on in them? I think the deeper we understand the conflicts and problems of countries like Sudan and Chad, the more we can spread our knowledge to others and help to further the love of Christ. Maybe by knowing of these things, people will be spurred on to be missionaries in some of these places, maybe we can start a revolution. I know I want to go to China someday. I really, really do. and I felt it in my heart when I was at Salt one night, when they had a bunch of people talking about their experiences going to places in East Asia and such. so maybe that will turn into something, maybe it will bring more opportunities, i don't know. I think if you truly seek to spread the love of Christ to all ends of the earth, God will get you there. He's in control.

Just a few things on my mind today. Erin and I are going to play some soccer at the Lied rec center in a little bit, YAY! :-)

THIS is the life...

oh my. so, i had another amazing weekend with my friends and family!

Friday night, most of "the crew" (kayla, mitch, bry, james, matt, zeb, aubs, caely), came to Ames... plus those of us already in Ames (Austin, Zach, Cort, Tim, JR, Mike, me), and so we spent many hours together doing lots of fun things. Let's see... we went to Old Chicago for pizza, chilled at the hookah bar, walked around campustown, made a pit stop at kum n go, enjoyed some chips & salsa while we hung out in zach & mike's room, visited andy & austin's dorm, ran in the freezing cold + rain away from a scary man who wanted caely, aubrey and me to "come with him", watched the movie Tommy Boy with everybody in zach & mike's, and aubs and cae slept the night in mahh roooom! basically, it was a grrrreat night.

Saturday, after Caely and Aubrey left to go back home, I spent the afternoon with the fam, well, my momma and my sista. We had lunch together at the udcc, had delicious coffee at Santa Fe, and then froze our butts off at the ISU vs. Texas Tech football game! It was fantastic! in a cold...sort of way! haha. We had a blast, and like I told them, there's no one else I'd rather freeze all afternoon with than them. We lost, obviously, but we had some quality time together and I loved it. After the game, my mom and I went back to West Des Moines for the rest of the weekend. yay! That night was the best night ever. After ATA's show in Winterset, everyone met at James' house at 10 to celebrate his birthdayyyy. There were so many people there, it was a ton of fun seeing everyone! We ate cheesecake and talked a while sitting in James' kitchen, then moved the party downstairs for the rest of the evening. They put a movie on, but I didn't feel like watching a movie at ALL. Haha, ok so some very funny things happened throughout the night. First off, Zach is crazy. He not only did his monkey impression, but he became a sphinx and it made lindsey, kayla and i crack up for like an hour or something! I found out Caely is amazing at ping pong, she even beats her gym teachers! hahaha. Luke, on the other hand, is not. heh heh. Ummm.. oh yeah! Zach and I found out we are pretty much the equivalent of a brother-sister relationship without that whole biological factor...thanks to Aubrey, and, well, ourselves. We fight and bicker and pick on each other (him verbally, me nonverbally), but... according to Aubrey from her own experiences with her real bros, "yeah you do all that stuff, but you never stop loving 'em." I got all mad, and Zach got mad because I was mad, haha, and so for a good 10 minutes we stood and yelled at each other in the middle of James' basement... but then all the sudden, we were laughing, and didnt care. I dont even know, i honestly cant explain it except what Aubs said. haha, oh goodness.

Most people started to leave around midnight, but as always... James, Kayla, Zach, Mitch, and I stayed til like 2 a.m. After realizing it was absolutely freezing outside, and James decided he was too tired to stand up and went to bed, the those of us remaining drove to my house. We hottubbed and it was absolutely amazing! Soo relaxing, there was so much steam coming off our bodies haha, because it was sooo cold out but we were sooo hot from the water. Well, after about an hour, we all got out, and Kayla and I decided to have some fun in my room before we changed back into our clothes.. so we took about 30 pictures with her digital camera and i think every one of them made us crack up until we fell to the floor and rolled around. It was HILARIOUS, let me tell ya. So i think the four of us parted ways at about 3:30 a.m.! man I was tired! but those amazing times with my friends are worth not getting much sleep.

Today, I devoted a bajillion pictures that had been on my camera since August up until now, ate some Panera, and hung out at home with the fam. I even got to see my Nana today unexpectedly! :-) Zach and I drove back here to Ames at about 4, and so i've been hanging out in my room ever since. I did some homework, had two cups of hot tea, ate a lot, taken a shower, watched tv with catherine, aaand.... now I am very tired. so now I am going to bed.

All in all, excellent weekend. :-)

Love.

lovely reunions, wonderful friends.

written thursday night--

Last weekend was AMAZING. It was a huge reunion for me and all of my friends back home. and I mean huge! It started off Friday afternoon when Zach and I drove back, went to James' and dropped off Zach's car/stuff, then the three of us went to the mall. From that point on, it was pure joy for me I think... honestly, just pure joy. i love my friends. Highlights on Friday.....

Aubs and I met up with Caely, Tim and Austin... Aubs, Caely and I proceeded inside Valley Stadium to watch the Valley-Waukee football game.....Natalie!!!!!....haha, um....cheering for my old high school team (it doesnt seem to right to say "old" yet, but might as well start), loved it!....yay football.....saw lots of familiar faces, weird yet cool.....saw Corey from K-life, freaking awesome, I really miss him!!.....got Austin's birthday present ready, then got him to come over to the stands and we sang him Happy Birthday and gave him cheesecake from the cheesecake factory!!!... he loved it!.....we crushed waukee.....5th quarter began outside Valley Church!.....reunited with all members of ATA, YAY!!!!....... had the most fantastic hug i've ever had with one named Mitch Tisl, i love him so much.....Kayla, Blake, Lindsey :-)...... lots and lots of hugs with everyone.... Brandon Barker, Travis, R-Tow and Ben Anderson......ATA played their show.......James and I made fun of all the hardcore dancing, it was hysterical.....lots of fun.... afterwards, everyone came back to my house.....food, lots of it.....massage trains.....Bry sleeping on the couch.....stayed at my house til 2 a.m., awesome.... took Aubs home, GREAT NIGHT :-).




























Saturday was very busy for me. Went shopping with my momma, saw the movie THE DEPARTED with most of the gang, and it was the most amazing move everrrrr!!!! umm..... Aubs and I went to Nobbies and I got my Halloween costume (greek goddess....duh)......quick dinner at home......then headed to Waukee!......ATA and Fileo played at the waukee community center with 3 other bands..... long, but fun......lots of cigar walks....pictures, pictures, pictures!.....Luke got me, Genya and Sarah ice cream :-).......Blake, Mitch, Zach, Kayla, Aubs and I took a trip to McDonalds, yum.......Rob......Hay, hahahha....... phone call from far away......devastation, a little bit..... i had a little breakdown but Aubs took care of me....back to friends, i decided to just let go and ENJOY my time with them......everyone drove back to James' house towards the end of the show..... Halo, lol......HOT CHOCOLATE!!!.....popcorn, yummyy!.....PING PONG.......lots of people left around 12/12:30.......Bry asleep on the floor..... haha..... James kicked the rest of us out at 1:30 a.m., but did we go home? ohh no..... Mitch, Zach, Kayla and I took a walk down James' street, but stayed outside (mind you, it was very cold that night!), just being completely RIDICULOUS and crazy in the middle of James' street until 4:30 in the freaking morning!.....it was just insane.... but, pretty much the most amazing night/morning ever! hahaha......it was GREAT... said goodbye to everyone.....





























Sunday..... Zach and I had a very exciting excursion at super target in which he left his wallet in the car on accident, so I had to pay for all of his groceries!.......then we picked up Mike and headed back here to Ames.

This week has been long, rough, tiring, and busy.

Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday nights... I basically lived at Zach and Mike's dorm, lol, i would stay there until 1 or 1:15 a.m. and then walk home and not go to bed til either 3:30 or 2:30 haha.... i dont even know, but it has just been crazy this week. I really wanted to spend time around those guys, it helped keep my mind off of other things. Today was great, after my meeting w/ my advisor within the Greenlee School of Journalism, I watched a movie with Cort and Catherine in Cort's room over in Birch... we watched 10 THings I Hate About You, and it was fantastically funny.. haha....then Catherine left around 6:30, and the next 2 hours Cort and I just hung out in his room. he played guitar and sang, i drew, we were on our computers, we watched a little of Parental Control on mtv which was absolutely ridiculous.... oh gosh, it was just fun. I love my brothaa Cort! Then Austin picked me up and we went to SALT together! i didnt feel like going... because the freezing cold weather makes me lazy and apathetic.... but, I went... and I'm so glad i did... Paul, the youth pastor there, gave a really good talk on sexuality immorality. no joke, it was very good. I saw lots of great people that I'm slowly getting to know from Salt, like Aidan and Nick, so thats exciting.

anyway. its time for me to go to bed, darn it! I have to wake up early tomorrow and drive back to Des Moines with my sis to attend my Grandpa's funeral. it is very bittersweet. i cant wait to see all my cousins/uncles/aunts, especially Uncle Clair, Aunt Sue and my SAWEEEETT cousin Brandon from Florida! i havent seen them in forever! it will be very sad and probably a little depressing just doing the whole funeral thing, but very happy at the same time. it will be ok. we have each other, family is family, and you have to stick together in these times. then i will be home for the remainder of the weekend. the end.

long blog. GOODNIGHT. <3

it's a bittersweet symphony, this life.

Two very "big" things happened this past weekend, and both have affected me immensely. Sometimes I think I just sit there and stare out at empty space in front of me, and I don't even realize it. In a way, emptiness comes from lacking something that you've either had and lost, or have never had but always wanted or needed. I think in my case with these two "big" things, both explanations are present... well, basically.

My grandpa is dying, and I have a feeling he will pass away this week. He's been holding on forever it seems, at the ripe old age of 90. Unlike my grandpa on my dad's side of the family, who did not remember me the last time I saw him before he died, my grandpa on my mom's side of the family, the one who is dying right now, is someone with whom I actually have memories. Maybe it is because of that fact, that when he does pass on (to be with our Father in heaven, praise God), I will have lost someone whom I love very, very much and will be very, very sad. Maybe that's why I seem kind of sad now even, because I know it's going to happen.

The other thing is hard to understand for most people, but oh well. Who else can say they've been in love with someone they met on a cruise ship their freshman year of high school and who happens to live 1200 miles away? Furthermore, who else can say they traveled to see this person on two seperate week-long occasions and stayed with their family, and that person also traveled to see me... all in the span of the past 3, almost 4 years. You mean you've only technically been in the presence of this person for approximately 30 days out of those 4 years? Yep. And you loved them with all of your heart and thought you were going to marry them? Yep.

But i'm learning that I don't choose the course of my life, it has already been chosen and laid out before me to follow, all I have to do is... follow. So I think I am. The past week was a rollercoaster. let's just say the Holy Spirit was not silent, oh no. and it hurts to understand the heaviness of the situation. it hurts to think about letting go and staying here, rather than holding on and moving to be there with him. but it's the right thing. oh, and guess what? I was taken care of the entire weekend, because the friends God has put in my life to stand by my side... stood by my side. Their loving embraces and empathetic smiles make me hope for something more, instead of succombing to emptiness, which, I think happens a lot in situations like this. I don't want to be empty though. Plus, I know how to NOT be empty inside - living for Jesus Christ and following Him, I know of the joy and the unconditional love... how could I just turn from that? How can one consciously come to the decision to choose emptiness rather than hope, joy and fulfillment? Anyway, I just wonder about that sometimes...

On a different note, I got four hours of freaking sleep last night!!!!!!!!!! I am a flippin' ZOMBIE! I mean, it was nice to actually feel like a real college student, staying out til 1:15 with my friends on a school night, haha... but then I felt like a REAL, REAL college student when I suddenly remembered that I had a paper due this morning in my 9 oclock class and I had not began to write it yet.......... hahahahahha. ok. panic? heck no. i was enjoying myself. but, arriving back in my room, I got to work and finished it by 3:15 a.m.... so.... I got four hours of sleep. nice. no, not nice at all, it sucks, and i feel like crappola! lol. but oh well :-)...

I have a lot more to write about, more specifically about my weekend and how stinkin' awesome The Posse is. hey I'll do this, 'cause I know people love it when they read blogs that name off a bunch of people like it's some kind of shout out of sorts... yeah... so: Sam, Aubrey, Caely, Nat, Zach, Austin, Mitch, Kayla, Blake, Lindsey, Bryan, Luke, Mike, Alex, Danielle, James, Tim, Rob, Cort, and everybody else I spent time with this weekend......I love you. thats all. oh, and seeing some of my favorite "old" people was nice too: Brandon, Ryan, and Travis, oh and my freakin' wonderful parents... Love you too.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age."
--Matthew 28:20

p.s. I got a new Bible finally, in the New King James version, it's fantastic. I'm so excited. YAY! :-)

"i'd rather run the other way than stay and see the smoke and who's still standing when it clears..."

i'm in over my head.

for once, i'd like to just be able to decide something and think about something without tapping into my feelings. anyone who knows me at all, knows that i'm a feeler. i feel a lot, and thats just how i am. i feel things deeper than others, i feel things longer than others. my feelings affect what i think to a great extent. and for once, i wish i didnt feel so easily. i wish i could just decide something based on logic, and facts, and concrete things. not abstract things, not optomistic, unrealistic dreams based on emotions and feelings.

what if i'm sick of playing it safe all the time? maybe i need to seriously consider changing around my life so that i'm not so safe and comfortable all the time. maybe it's time for me to really grow up, to be catapulted somewhere where i'm not constantly surrounded by known and familiar things and people. but i'm so scared of the unknown, and i'm so scared of letting go. i'm scared of giving up my comfort to gain something else, no matter how great the gain. i cant decipher my path, my brain cant wrap itself around the mysteries of life. i need God, my Father in heaven to guide me and show me the way. if nothing else, i pray He would make my path straight and clear, and that He would make it known to me. because I'm just wandering around aimlessly, confused, when I try to decide myself what i'm supposed to do and where i'm supposed to go and which path is my own.

maybe right now, all i'm doing is doing what everyone else thinks i'm supposed to do. and honestly, i couldnt tell you what *I* think about what I should do and where I should go. *I* dont even know where to begin. I follow my heart and my head follows, trying to come up with reasonable excuses and explanations for my actions. I need direction and I need affirmation, I need a committment before I completely change the course of my path... i need a promise. will it be given to me?

i cant put blind trust in someone if i'm making such big changes in my life, that affect my entire future. but what if thats the problem? i cant, but, maybe i can? or maybe im just supposed to try.

i'm lost.