"I put my faith in you, so much faith, and then you just threw it away!"

This is where I'm at.

I'm on a teeter-totter. Arriving at the pretty park, I let go of mom's hand. I saw it and I ran to it. Reminiscing back to my happy childhood, I climb on and my imagination soars. I'm flying up and down, dodging clouds and pretending I'm a bird. The child in me is full of glee. I am not full of any cares whatsoever. Something changes in the air around me. It's cold. It gets dark outside. The teeter-totter is big and scary. I know I can't get off yet. I'm too scared to move. I'm in shock from such rapid change. My mom is no where to be seen. All I know is that I am not enjoying being on the teeter-totter anymore.

College has turned into a big, scary teeter-totter sitting in a pretty park I couldn't wait to arrive at and enjoy to the fullest. The playground is a canvas of bright colors and covered with shiny toys that sparkle in the sunlight, but the teeter-totter is anything but pretty to me. The up-and-down motion doesn't make me feel like I'm soaring amongst white, puffy cloud shapes that taste like cotton candy. It makes me sick. It's jerking me around and having its way with me. I have no parent to run to. And it's funny, there have been MANY (count them, many) moments throughout my freshman year alone, that I have realized this. I'm getting older, I'm a sophomore now. But I still have moments where I realize it, and it makes me lose my breath if just for that moment. I point to my place in the family growing up once again, and I will do it probably for the rest of my life, not as an excuse but as an explanation for why I am the way I am... I am the baby. My friend Zach loves to mock me and yell, "OH WAHH! you baby." And you know what I have to say to that? You're right. You got me. Yep. I am the baby. I will always be the baby. I will always look to someone else to take care of me before I just do it myself, maybe it will get easier for me later on, but I'm finding that it doesn't matter how many years I add on, I still have the tendency to look up and hope someone else is there to help- a big sister of some sort, in metaphorical sense, and sometimes, in a literal sense.

I'm sure I can think of times in my life where I wasn't the youngest child, I wasn't acting that role. But for the most part, I am the young one with wide eyes and arms reaching out for someone to catch me before I fall. I trust that someone else will always be there for me. I rely on myself for things, but right now this is just how I feel, and I can't stop thinking about how on so many things, I don't or I can't rely on myself. And it's frustrating.

On another note,

I've begun another "wait, what do I want to do with the rest of my life again?" phase. It leads to other questions like, "wait, what am I doing here?" or "wait, why am I doing this, and why am I not over there doing THAT?" Among other things of that kind. You could call it internal mind freak-out mode. Does everyone have a billion interests and things they have passion for? Or is it just me? If you just blurted out a bunch of "things someone might want to do in their life"- for like every one of them, except maybe 2, I would say YES I WANT TO DO THAT, YES THAT INTERESTS ME, YES, YES, YES!!! Well, because of this, I have one question for you "all-knowing career guidance counselors"..... WHAT KIND OF MAJOR DO YOU MAJOR IN AT A RESPECTABLE, 4-YEAR COLLEGE IF YOU LOVE TO DO LIKE A BAJILLION DIFFERENT THINGS!? I would seriously love to know the answer to that.

I want to go to New Zealand, I want to travel everywhere.... Barcelona, Florence, Ireland, Venice, London, Greece, Austria, Rome, Berlin, Sydney.... you name it, I want to travel there. I want to study art and make art. I want to sing and dance for millions of people. I want to build a house. I want to paint and be a struggling artist with no money. I want to touch my foot in every ocean. I want to do missions work in Africa or South America or China, or ALL OF THE ABOVE. I want to write for a magazine. I want to be a lawyer, maybe. I want to be a fashion model and walk the runways of Paris. I want to learn how to play the guitar, and re-learn how to play the drums. I want to take a road-trip across the United States. I want to go to Boston. I want to teach English to 3rd world countries. I want to be a Spanish translator for missionaries. I want to study poetry and all the great poets of the world, I want to be published EVERYWHERE. I want to counsel other people with sicknesses and diseases that affect their every-day life and share my story and touch someone's life. I want to be an intern at a church youth group and work with high school or junior high students. I want to write movie reviews. I want to be in a movie. I want to be a mother and wife. I want to write books. I want to own my very own coffee shop and have local musicians play at it. I want to live at sea for a couple months.

Seriously, that's just the top of the iceberg.

I'm on a teeter-totter.

Sophomore year at ISU begins

So many things to write about! So many!

I've been back in Ames for almost a week now, and today was the official first day of classes. Being a sophomore is different than being a freshman (imagine that). The second time around is different. And it's good, because I have some knowledge that helps me in adjusting back to the school routine and living here on my own once again. But I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed, just like last year. It's still a change. It's still an adjustment period. And this time I'm in my own room without a roommate, so I really am by myself, and this time my sister isn't living in the dorms with me, she's in her own apartment. It's just different. This time I have a boyfriend, and that's just a whole different category in and of itself, which I could discuss in length how good of an influence it is in my life right now.... but anyway, college.

I only had two classes today. Usually I will have 3 on Mondays, but I didn't have my Astronomy 120 recitation this week. Instead, I just had Psych 280- Social Psychology, and Poli Sci 319- Law & Politics. I have Psych with my friend Ben, which is very exciting, and I have a good feeling about the class overall. I think it will be very challenging though. I had an awesome lunch with Nick, Charles, Eric, Brian Smith, and his roommate, and 2 girls I met from Nick. We just laughed a lot and it was a nice break in my day from the heat and the humidity, and walking and sweating, and focusing on syllabuses. I can definitely say my Law and Politics class is going to be absolutely AMAZING. I could not be more excited to start learning about and reading the court cases and talking about them. My professor is this old, frail-looking woman with gray hair and a broken arm... but she is a freakin TOUGH cookie...umm, she's just very strong in her speech. She is very articulate and easy to listen to, even though what she says is very harsh and honest and intelligent. She had a nice schpiel (sp anyone?) on how none of us should give the slightest care as to what her politics are and whether she's liberal, conservative, whatever, that it doesn't matter and she plans it so that at the end of the semester we still will have no idea what her personal opinions are. I liked that. I hate when professors push their beliefs on their students just because they are in a position of authority. So anyway, I am WAY beyond excited for this class. And way scared, haha... it's gonna be my hardest class I think. I'll do my best, and that's all I can do!

Oh my gosh, Aubs and I had some time together tonight that I needed for SURE. It was so great being with her. I just needed my best friend. :)

THere's an awesome storm going on outside.

This is my focus right now:

"There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the LORD'S counsel-- that will stand." -Proverbs 19:21

In my next post, I'll write more about what God's doing in my life and my thoughts on this past Sunday morning's sermon at Cornerstone Church (which was absolutely incredible!). Just incredible.

ok love you bye! <3

"...then ask me what it's like to have my self so figured out. wish I knew."

This is one of those days, or, rather... one of those WEEKS, where all I want to do is sit somewhere and drink coffee, or tea, all day long (forget food!). And watch the weather, and think about life, and talk about the things that really matter. I feel like I'm spinning.

I wish I were in Paris, or Rome, or Florence... sitting in a quaint cafe, discussing the beauty of the city and art and favorite poets and authors. I could sit on a dock overlooking the sea and write about people as they walk by and somehow write an amazing piece that links humanity with beautiful metaphors like gardens and the ocean, just from my observations, and learn about life and teach others about it.

If I were moved back into my dorm at ISU, I would have my room dimly lit with soft background music playing (Brand New, "Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't"). I'd be bumming around in my blue wangsta (gangsta + wigger) warm-up pants, a large valley soccer sweatshirt from many years ago, big fluffy slippers, and I'd be typing this from my spot on my futon as a storm brews and blows against my window facing Lincoln Way, making me feel safe and warm.

I'm spinning. There's an orbit in my head, and I'm riding the line in-between planet carefree fun and planet responsible reality. The latter is much bigger, scarier, and closer. But I'm excited, oh so excited for what is to come. I have no fear. Just promises of living for something real, something more than just this world.

Does anyone really know what they want to be? Am I not already who I am going to be, because I am being right now? Am I not this person that lives every day out- will I not be this person someday later on because I attended a 4-year university and have accreditation to my name that I don't have just yet? I know not my course, but Somebody does. That's all I care about.

And to end this entirely strange collection of thoughts...

"Oh we're so c-c-c-controversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth.
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down,
This is the way you wish your voice sounds,
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue’s the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
And it’s all from watching TV,
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn’t stop if I could.
Oh, it hurts to be this good.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh, it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
Oh, so let it go."
--Brand New

Lots of Love <3>

one ring to rule them all

[free from one heartache, yet enslaved to another
i don't think it will ever end, really.]

it's just interesting how much you want something to stick around, but at the same time, you want it to go away. life is full of paradoxes like that.
---

I'm watching "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" right now.... it's at the part where Aragorn bids adieu to Frodo as Frodo realizes he can't trust anyone and must make his way to Mordor solo. Sooo good. I haven't watched LOTR in quite a while... but I can still quote almost every line of it. I know, I'm a big nerd.

I began reading a book today that was a gift from my lovely sister. It's called, "The Gospel According to Tolkien"... and it's freaking awesome so far. I've been a fan of Tolkien ever since I read the LOTR Trilogy, starting when I was in 8th grade. Then I obviously saw all of the movies multiple times (and by multiple... I mean... probably more than 50 times), and I also read The Hobbit, then The Silmarillion. Next I began reading "The Lost Books" by Tolkien, which consists of I think 6 books that he wrote all about Middle-Earth, and I'm still only on the first one. Anyway, I think Tolkien was a genius. I love his views on Christianity and learning about his friendship with C.S. Lewis (who I also love to read and read about). Anyway, this new book I started reading today is all about how Tolkien clearly centered LOTR around Christianity with all of its symbolism, yet purposefully wrote the story to be without religion and only indirectly points to Christian theology and ideas. It's fascinating. You should read it if you have an interest in Lord of the Rings and/or Tolkien (umm, how could you not...).
---

I hate knowing that I NEED to do something, yet not wanting to do that something at all.
I hate that the way I am makes it such a struggle for me to do certain things that I would consider most people perfectly capable of doing with no struggle at all.
---

I am going to change my major at ISU. I'm going to change it from Journalism & Mass Communication to a major in English with a concentration in Rhetorical Studies, and have a double minor in Psychology and Political Science. Complicated? Of course, it's me. What else would you expect? seriously.
---

Well my movie is over, so I'm going to bed now. Peace out.

uncertainties of life!

Yep... I'm writing again for this evening. I need to get my mind away from studying Developmental Psych for a while. I've been at it for...... a little over 3 hours. crap.

I changed my "study music" to my "non-study music".... death cab for cutie is now a large mix including jimmy eat world, yellowcard, the format, OAR, acceptance, red hot chili peppers, the wedding, and countless others. music affects my mood greatly. or... my mood greatly affects my music. it goes both ways!

I am once again unsure of proceeding in my goal to receive a bachelor's degree in Journalism here at Iowa State. I don't know. There are so many factors contributing to my constant change in educational direction. I reflect on all of the classes I took this year:

-jlmc 101 mass media and communication (entertaining, interesting, good)
-jlmc 110 orientation to journalism at isu (made me want to jump off a building sometimes because it made me plan every inch of my future all at once).
-geology 100 most worthless class ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE ROCKS!!!!
-engl 105 (i suppose it's now engl 250) (loveddddd itttttt, duh). :-)
-university studies 111 hixson scholars (only thing i got out of it was being able to stare at a certain boy during recitation...) hehehe
-poli sci 251 international politics (very difficult class, extremely stimulating, well worth the crappy grade earned b/c the tests were amazingly hard).
-soc 134 intro to sociology (aka lots of crap and full of mostly relativistic and cynical views on society that completely eradicates truth from the world, seeing as "everything is a perspective!"....).
-music 102 music listening (but should be called boring history of music aka put me to sleep 101).
-psych 230 developmental psychology (besides english, my FAVORITE class, soooo my thing... i love everything i will take away from this class).
aaand, -poli sci 215 american gov't (which shouldn't be a pre-req to other law and politics classes b/c i learned the exact same material in my high school gov't class, aka- lame).

All the sudden, I'm just in a whirlwind of what I think I want, what I know I want, what I should do, what I shouldn't do, what is best for the type of person I am, what will make me happy, what is a smart decision for my future......... ummm, yeah. I've completed (pretty much) a whole year at college, and I still stand here feeling very uncertain about the path I've decided to put myself on (Journalism). It goes without saying that I am a writer. I love writing. I have a passion to write... to express, to communicate, to dig deep with the art of the written word. I think there is so much more to life than just existing and living from day to day, and I plan on finding out what the "more to life" part is through writing to my heart's desire, which, will be until the day I die. If someone decided to completely erase my ability and freedom to write- I would literally die. haha. extreeeeeme. but true!

But.... I don't know. This is what I struggle with when I think about the Journalism department... the career-driven part of it, the necessity for networking, the reporting part of it.... not sure it's my cup of tea. I've said it before, but I would love to be a free-lance writer... and just make money by writing piece after piece and being in charge of myself basically. Something about me and my writing is just not something that fits into working with a corporation, or a business, but being my own business in a way... writing more and more and sending it in on my own time, on my own inspiration, on my own sudden desire to get published. of course, this is not me being naive about money and everything... i know that in order to be financially able to be a free-lancer, I would have to be in a situation where I'm not the primary financial supporter for myself. But. I don't know. I'm just so conflicted about where my path will take me and when and how I get there. I would love to write a novel someday. I would love to publish my own poetry book. I would love to change just ONE person's life with something I wrote..... I would die an accomplished, satisfied, happy woman if I could reach others through my writing. That's my "American Dream" (haha...notice no need for big fat paychecks, fancy mansions, luxurious cars...). maybe that makes me not as American, but, whatever.

I know what I want. But I don't know what to do to get it. And which path to go down in order to know what to do to get what I truly want- to be a free-lance writer... to write for a living... what a passion-filled life I would have! ohhh goodness, it sounds wonderful to me. absolutely wonderful.

So I had this random thought- what if I changed my major to Psychology? and took a bunch of writing classes of course, and minored still in political science. Hm? maybe? maybe not? just throwin' it out there. to myself. throwin' it to myself... yep.

Enough thinking for tonight. I've had a smoothie and a 16 oz. caramel macchiato... I have to release some fluids!!!! I'm done studying for psych for now..... HA, FOR NOW, that's for sure. I'll be studying pretty much all day tomorrow, since I still have about 60% of the study guide to go through. I made a lot of progress tonight though, so that's good.

I'm so glad I don't have to wake up earlyyyy for a final tomorrow!! yay!

Peace Outtt. <3