slow motion

I got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that told me I'd get hurt again.
So I hung up the phone
and I screamed out loud
I felt so alone, I should have said the things I'm thinking now

Ohh never thought it'd be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know

Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I cant forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.

I pretend I'm ok
But it aches inside
There's got to be a way that's better then just getting by

Ohh never thought it be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know

Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I can't forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.

My heart is speeding up and slowing down to know I know it's over, it's over
And can you die of heartbreak to die for love lost young I pray to find it again, oh again

Got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that hurts again.
~I Nine

merry Christmas

"So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The Only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..."
-taylor swift

"is this everything that you've hoped for, is this everything you've dreamed..."

I can't help but think that I (mostly) failed myself this semester. It's probably something I shouldn't be thinking, but it just seems like that's what happened and if I don't say it, I'm lying to myself a little bit. I know I probably don't know very much when it comes to that idea thrown out there we quote as "the real world", and what it's like to pay a mortgage and have credit card bills and manage a household, but I have gone through more stuff this fall semester of my sophomore year of college than I could have ever imagined. I feel a little betrayed for being thrown into a grown-up world I wasn't ready for, but I guess if I were ready for it in the first place, I probably wouldn't have had the same experience that I did. I can't really put my finger on it, but there's this older feeling inside of me. I just sense it. It feels different. It's not a good different nor a bad different, just different... like if I had a weighing device inside me, it would be tipped a little more to the "adult" side rather than the "kid" side now.

But I seem to be talking like I'm out of the haze, and I'm actually not. I'm still very much in the problems that have been surrounding me all semester. I can't write some of the things that have been apart of my battle, but it's a battle with myself that is like no other battle I've ever had to endure before. It's one where there is no way I can come out of it unchanged, or indifferent. I have bad days and good days. And it's the bad days that get me into trouble. I can't keep wondering when my next trouble day will be, I just have to live today and think about today and have a victory TODAY.

I've had a hard time bringing myself to write, and I'm not exactly sure why. It could be a bunch of things, or maybe just one. Not sure, but I'm trying to write again. I found it helps to pray and meditate on God and His love for me, then something inside of me prompts me to write. I can't really explain it.

On another note entirely, I seem to be falling, and I do not mean the bad way.

xoxo, Em

of the rise and fall, i could sing songs capturing it all

i'm sending you a love letter
i hope it gets to you safely
within it are words so lovely
you will be blinded by them
they will shine through the pain
they will burst through your shell
like stars they will burn
with brilliance and magnificence
my love for you is so great
it will be like nothing you've seen before
all the stars of the galaxy
could crash down into the sea
and the only thing remaining
would be the love that you will see
when you open up my letter
you won't need anything else
your eyes will only gaze at one thing
and that one thing is me
i understand you may not see it now
i know every weight holding you down
i've been carrying you this whole time
but only when you let me does it lift you up
i've seen every demon that has torn you apart
i've been keeping you together
and i know you haven't noticed yet
but that's why i'm sending you my letter
you won't know what to look for
when you search through your mail
but i know just how to get through to you
and you'll be surprised to find
that my love letter has always been there
it has been surrounding you forever
their hands are my hands
their hearts are my hearts
i know you may not understand just yet
and that's ok, my dear one
but this letter is so urgent
you must realize it's already been sent
you haven't been listening to me, child
your heart and mind have grown wild
but i'm sending you this love letter
over and over and over again
until you finally decide to open it
until you finally decide to read it
i'm giving you all my love, daughter
for you are mine and you are loved.

"...is it a bit much to ask for the snow to come down and cover my tracks?"

hey fun girl, where did you go
did you get swept away
even though you swore
the wind would never take you
hey beautiful girl, where did you go
your heart made you so pretty
not just your temporal smile
but neither one can be found
hey joyful girl, where did you go
why are you hiding your best aspect
did you get swallowed up by your pain
until there was nothing left
hey strong girl, where did you go
your strength has wained before
but never as absent as it is now
just open your eyes and you will see
hey fearless girl, where did you go
i thought i saw you the other day
but it was just my eyes playing a trick
i'm still looking for you

you're still there, i know you are
every part of you
waiting to be put back together
what are you waiting for, amazing girl?

"every line is about who i don't want to write about anymore."

will this ever end..................? i have so much going on... and i know i can get through it all and i have hope and faith- but oh, how weary i am. how weary my heart is. every day is a battle. every day i have to walk up a hill. and it just seems to be getting bigger each time. will this ever end?

I see your heart...... it's beautiful.

heyyyyyyyyyy.

So. I have had SO much fun this weekend, it's been amazing! Both Friday and Saturday nights were spent dancing the night away (seriously!) in the official "frat house" of Friley... the one and only Niles-Foster.

It's like a frat, except no creepers, and it's not lame. I love the whole group! I've met so many people and made really good friends through spending so much time with Nick and all the guys on his floor, and the other girls that call Niles-Foster their home pretty much. We kinda feel like one big family. When you put your arms around each other and make one big circle, yelling in chorus "I Want it That Way" by the Backstreet Boys at 2 a.m.... you kinda find yourselves closer than you were before... haha. it's friggin' awesome!

I've been trying my hardest to not dwell on the things going on with my parents, or any other stress-causer in my life that I cannot control. I'm just focusing on myself. I'm focusing on getting through finals week and that's IT. that's all I can do. then it's time to get my wisdom teeth out and I'm not gonna worry about it until December 17th comes around.

I was inspired to paint yesterday, so I painted while Nick recorded in his room, and the creative juices were allowed to flow and it was FANTASTIC! I am so satisfied with the result... I seriously love this painting.


I did all sorts of new, fun techniques, which I love about the arts... really gets me pumped up! Then today, Nick recorded a part he wrote for me to sing in this new song he's recording... it's a pretty acoustic song, not really like his other stuff. I was surprised how shy I was to sing in front of him, and I don't know how many times I had to do it.. over and over and over and over and over again, but I got it pretty perfect and it sounds super good......I can't believe it's me singing! wooo! way fun.

I'm not getting stressed about it being dead week. I love dead week, actually. Even though I have very tough tests to prepare for... being anxious and stressed about tests is not the way to be successful, I've definitely learned that. Just relax and have fun- watch movies while it's cold and snowy outside, drink tea and hot cocoa, and just make sure to study a little every day and you'll be just fine- at least, just do the best you can do, and that's all you should worry about.



P.S. Anybody else TOTALLY EXCITED to see the new Alvin and the Chipmunks movie coming out!?!?! it looks freaking HILARIOUS!!! :)

if I could just breathe......

The second I got back to Ames, I felt like I could breathe again. It felt like being home, for real.

I OFFICIALLY passed that darn kidney stone that has been causing me THE WORST PAINS EVER for like the past 4 weeks.... I passed it today at about 2 oclock, precisely during my english class (the one with the biotch teacher who doesn't give a rat's behind whether i'm in pain or not). I felt like I had died. But, of course, I was alive and breathing, but in quite a lot of pain still because of the terrible muscle spasms I'm getting in my kidneys from passing the stone. Nick held me in his arms while I cried and yelled the pain out until the ibuprofen started working and i got weak and tired from the whole ordeal I had just been through.

I've been learning so much about life, and if I wasn't such an insomniac that was aware of said insomnia problem and aware of sleep being what I must do even though I am an insomniac.... then I would keep writing about what I've learned and what I am currently learning about life. however, i AM such an insomniac. so I'm taking my sleeping pill and calling it a night.

tomorrow's a big day for me. peace.

"take these broken wings and learn to fly"

It's been a different kind of Thanksgiving Break for me this fall. Although the circumstances around me have changed, being thankful stays the same. I'm still extremely thankful for the life I have and the people in it. I'm so thankful for my God looking out for me and never leaving me alone during a time of great need and also during times of no particular need at all. I'm so grateful for His love, always flowing down to me, always being revealed to me in the people who care about me.

I can't lie- this has been a really hard day. It's been very depressing. I have to try with every fiber in my body to not let it get me down. I feel trapped in this house, suffocating from the tension and the restraint and the suppressed emotions that just want to burst out of me. I look outside and watch the snow blow around and settle down into the thick blanket of white freezing the ground and killing the plants underneath it. And it makes me think of the reality going on around me right now. Family hasn't been my definition of family for 5 or 6 years, but this time the meaning of family really isn't from my own "nuclear family" at all. If my "nuclear family unit" or whatever you like to call it, were the only sense of family I knew, I certainly wouldn't be the warm, friendly, loving person that I am right now. The portrait of the family has changed over time for me. Family in the sense that I know and love, comes from my "family" of friends that I am so blessed to have. The people that cook fettucini alfredo or macaroni n cheese and sit around watching The Office and drinking tea, that's my family. The people that I laugh with after a good "That's what she said" joke. The people that make me warm and happy on the inside, the ones that, no matter what I may be going through, can make me smile and feel good. THAT'S my family. The ones that I know are praying for me, are thinking about me, are caring about me by just one look into their eyes or one hug into their open arms. I love my family.

You know you have it good when you can sit and literally DO nothing, but feel in your heart a happiness and a joy just to be in the presence of people who reciprocate love and friendship. I have it better than most, I'd say.

It's hard to have this sudden (it may not seem sudden, but it feels that way to me) void in my heart, where I'm just very AWARE that I don't have a real family to go home to... not the kind of family that all my other friends talk about when they are getting ready to leave college for break to go back home to and celebrate a holiday with. But that's what it is, it's a void. It's this empty, blank spot in my heart. But it gets filled up in various ways.... like, Tuesday night when I drove out to Nick's dad's house and watched random tv shows with Nick and his dad, and then when his sisters and stepmom got home they were all there too. It felt like a family. Just sitting there on the couch, watching The Office and Dancing With The Stars, sipping hot cocoa and listening to Barb try to help Nick's little sister Megan with her school project. THe fire place was on. It was warm. It made me happy to see a real family and be around it for a while. That fills my void for the time being. Last night when Nick, Sam, Michelle, Scott, Caleb and I went to Immersion... that did it too. Looking down the row we filled, I felt like I was with my family. Then afterwards, we all went back to Scott's and went on an adventure to make the perfect dinner by getting a bunch of food at Wal-mart... we made fettucini alfredo with chicken, and had apple pie and pumpkin pie with ice cream for desert. Nick and Scott played the piano and me and Michelle sang and hummed, Scott and I "broke into" the Laugerman's house (don't worry James... Stevie gave me permission) to get all of Scott's food that he left over there, and everyone laughed when they found out the cd that is stuck in my now BROKEN cd player is The Freedom Project and it's the only music I can listen to while in my car except for crappy radio stations.

I guess The Beatles got it right when they wrote, "oh I get by with a little help from my friends."
-------------------------------------------

It's uncomfortable here
frozen hearts grow mute
the lights are on but we can't see
the music plays but it's just a dream
cause nothing really works the way it should
when everything that's real is broken.

"I'm afraid you sparked a nerve in me"

I still feel like I'm in the middle of a deadly storm, but I feel like I can see the end of it now. Somewhere off in the distance. It isn't close, but it isn't out of sight.

I've gone through more trials and suffering in the past month than I think I have ever gone through the past 18 years of my life. I've had it harder than ever before. I think I can say I've had it a lot harder than a lot of people around me. In hindsight, I still believe that everything I've been dealing with has happened for a reason and God chose this path for me and so I will walk it faithfully. But it has not been without struggle. It has not been without brokenness. I dealt with it the way I always deal with things. I go through it kicking and screaming, fighting and resisting like a stubborn mule. I go through it thinking, "how will I ever overcome this? why me? this isn't fair. i can't do this." I feel hopeless, I feel low. I feel dark, lonely, and all alone. But God doesn't give up on me, and neither do my friends and the people who love me. Above all, though, God keeps calling to me to come out of my pain and the darkness and into His arms. And finally, I'm answering. There is always that moment, that day when you realize you have to respond, you can't ignore it any longer and keep living the way you are, dependent on things that won't fix you like God can.

I'm starting to feel like I'm being me again, like I'm being Emily. I'm smiling up at the cloudy sky and it isn't closing in on me making me feel small and insignificant. I'm happy. :)

Citrate is my new best, and worst, friend.

After my appointment today with a Urologist at McFarland Clinic, I am now taking 6 pills of Potassium Citrate a day (2 pills 3 times), every day, forever. and they are horse pills. they are not easy to swallow one bit. they make me gag a little. they taste bad. I have never been prescribed 500 pills before for one prescription filling, ever.

This is going to change my life.

I hope it fixes my kidney stones issue. Because Dr. Milleman said, after all, I may just be un-fixable.

I'm overwhelmed.

p.s.- I have insomnia!

"...every plan is a tiny prayer to father time"

Oh, how life has changed. Honestly... I wish I could be 9 again for the time being. I wish my parents took me to Disney World and all I had on my mind was to decide between going on Space Mountain or Splash Mountain. That's it. Nothing else. But wishing is silly.

I just feel so adult-like. Well, I feel like I've been thrusted into adult-like circumstances, forcing me to act like an older, adult-like figure rather than the still-learning-how-to-be-mature 19 year old that I truly am.

The day I had to be rushed off to the Emergency Room changed my entire life around. It was instantaneously rearranged in every aspect. I can't believe I spent 7 or 8 straight days drugged up on vicodin to get at least some pain relief from the excruciating pain I felt radiating in both sides of my abdomen area. I can't believe how fast I spiraled into depression. how exhausted I was at every moment of every day, never hoping to wake up the next morning with happiness in my heart because I couldn't see any hope. Any hope of becoming better and getting healthy and pain-free again was slashed every moment I felt a tiny, jagged stone moving through my body making me wish I were dead... causing weariness and suffering that I would never wish upon anyone else...never.

The struggle I have faced and am still facing to be a college student while dealing with this sickness almost made me just one to give up and drop out. To be completely honest, I was so close to wanting to just leave. And I still wonder if I would have been better off if I had... just for the semester... I don't know. I am currently seeking help from my Hixson scholarship program head, Debra Sanborn, to see what she can do to help me with my situation. I also contacted my Adviser, well, my old Adviser but the one that knows me personally and knows my past struggle with this sickness from last year. I'm learning that asking for help is not as easy as you think it would be. But I'm learning that it is necessary at times, especially a time like this. I am seriously so anxious to see what's going to happen these next few days, next couple weeks... I need help, and I am just praying they have mercy on me for this being such a horrible sickness I can't control, and give me some kind of break. I need something to help me out here, desperately.

In a conversation with Nick just the other day, I told him how I came to a place in my heart where I can seriously profess I wouldn't have things any other way. No matter how much physical pain I've foregone, no matter how weary I have become, no matter how much it sucks and I hate it... I cannot say I wish it were different. Not really. I know this is what God has chosen for me to go through, and I know I am not alone. I know my faith will get me through all of this, God never fails us. I know that in my heart. I trust that.

I had an ultrasound today at McFarland Clinic with a nice lady named Wendy in the Radiology department. No... I don't have a bun in the oven. My doctor ordered the ultrasound to check what is going on inside of me, see if I have anything else going on besides kidney stones, possibly gallstones or other things of that nature. She took tons of photos, it took a good half an hour, longer than any other ultrasound I've had (this was my fourth). Usually I've just gotten my kidneys and bladder looked at, but she looked at a ton of organs, some that I can't even remember. I do remember pancreas, gallbladder, and kidneys... but yeah, I don't know there were a lot. Nick came with me to the appointment and it helped calm my nerves. Being around doctors and anything medical makes me uneasy and nervous because I have a great distrust in doctors that goes very far back in my past.

I have an appointment with a Urologist tomorrow at 2:30. I am looking forward to the possibility of actually DOING something about my kidney stone problem, but I am also not looking forward to this meeting at all. I am going to it alone and I have never done that... ever. I don't know this doctor and they don't know me. So I have to tell them the ENTIRE story beginning from when I got my first stone attack at the age of 13. I am afraid I won't sufficiently explain my story or that I'll forget things or accidentally leave something out. It's hard to remember everything that has happened. I basically have no idea what's going to happen at this appointment and that makes me nervous.

All of these things just make me feel like I am much older than I really am. And I'm not sure I like that. Not yet. Alas, that is where I find myself.

unity

I could lay with you forever
just to never live a moment
without you by my side

I could sing with all my lungs
if only you would sing with me
and our voices become one

I could fall asleep in your arms
as long as you want me to
please say you want me to

may we remain side by side
may our voices unify
may we sleep until the world ends

as long as I'm with you.

"This is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world..."

well I don't think I drowned the whole world, but I probably have cried a river over the past 2 weeks. I probably cried a small creek just last night at Salt Company.

The whole night overwhelmed my heart. The minute I started singing in the first set of worship songs, I started tearing up. When we sang my favorite song of all time (From the Inside Out), it made a steady flow of tears begin to fall. When the woman got up and shared a little bit of her story and that the night was going to be about trials and suffering, I couldn't believe the timing of this message. Right in the midst of my biggest trial, my most suffering, we're going to talk about it at Salt. Oh geez. I needed kleenex very badly at this point, but Erin had none in her purse. I just had to use my sleeves. Then she sang a song that made me flat out start bawling. The words about going through the fire but not going through it alone, it was like God was speaking to me and only me. I cried the entire time Mark gave the message. My eyes were absolutely burning at that point.

I'm not being persecuted for being a Christian and suffering because of that, but I am suffering and it is a kind of suffering that God chose for me to go through and live through and use as a testimony to show others my faith and show God's glory. When Mark said one of his main points was that suffering doesn't make sense without God, that one really got to me. Because these past 2 weeks, I tried to make sense of how much pain I was constantly in... but the truth was it never made sense. Feeling the kidney stone pain frequently all day long, being unable to stand at night when it hit countless times up in Nick's room, having to explain time after time again to every professor what was going on with me... it accumulated to WAY too much pain for just one person, in my head. But then last night at Salt, it forced me to look at my suffering through the cross-lense, as Mark called it. I saw it God's way, not just my human way. And I was determined to not miss this opportunity to use my suffering as a tool to strengthen my own faith and maybe even the faith of others, maybe others who don't know about Jesus yet.

I thought I was done with the tears, but they started up again during the last set of worship songs. And then when we were free to leave, I turned to Erin and I just LOST it. And she hugged me and held onto me. And then I felt someone else surround me and my sister in a hug. For a brief second I opened one blurry eye and saw a charcoal gray-colored sleeve and I knew it was Nick. And then the three of us broke apart, and Nick just pulled me in again and held me while I continued to cry and cry and cry, and Erin got me napkins to blow my nose....finally. It was like I was crying all the pain out, releasing it all.

Last night was... exhausting.

bring back the sun

I can't even explain it. I'm fighting something, but it's not what I normally would be fighting against. Usually I'm fighting against some bad situation and the things it makes me feel, some uncontrollable force outside of me that is hurting me and trying to bring me down, but this time on top of that I am fighting against myself. I don't know if anyone can relate, but you have some inner desire to do something that your logic and reason tells you is actually harmful and destructive, yet you want to do it anyway because you are so far down it's the only thing you care about doing- despite all the warnings, despite the tears of loved ones, despite the pleading of a mother, a sister, a friend.

I want to hide it, but it's not really possible. Not when your eyes are staring into mine knowingly, looking through me as if you see through the facade I wear. It's weird to know of something from the outside perspective for so long, like you've always stood so far away from actually being in the situation you've seen other people on tv and movies find themselves in... but all the sudden, I found myself in the situation and I got lost in the spiral just like everyone else seemed to do.

I'm trying to fight it. I'm not winning and I'm not losing, I'm just struggling somewhere in the middle. Your prayers and your hugs and your caring eyes are all that keep me from running away.

I'm not ready to give up on myself. Please don't give up on me yet.

Aubrey is right. the only pain medicine I need right now is God.

scream until the microphones are gone...

I am loved.

I am taking this one day at a time.

God is in the people who take care of me.

He has not abandoned me.

I am not alone.

I am loved.

And then everything changed

Psalm 103
Of David.
1 Praise the LORD, O my soul;
all my inmost being, praise his holy name.

2 Praise the LORD, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits-

3 who forgives all your sins
and HEALS ALL YOUR DISEASES***,

4 who redeems your life from the pit
and crowns you with love and compassion,

5 who satisfies your desires with good things
so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

6 The LORD works righteousness
and justice for all the oppressed.

7 He made known his ways to Moses,
his deeds to the people of Israel:

8 The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.

9 He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;

10 he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.

11 For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;

12 as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

13 As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

14 for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

15 As for man, his days are like grass,
he flourishes like a flower of the field;

16 the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

17 But from everlasting to everlasting
the LORD's love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children's children-

18 with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts.

19 The LORD has established his throne in heaven,
and his kingdom rules over all.

20 Praise the LORD, you his angels,
you mighty ones who do his bidding,
who obey his word.

21 Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,
you his servants who do his will.

22 Praise the LORD, all his works
everywhere in his dominion.
Praise the LORD, O my soul.

***thank you Erin, my amazing sister, for this Psalm, and for hope.

just waiting to drown

I am freaking out.....

I'm so sick of living this life of... sickness. I'm sick of living like this, with an inability to go out and do anything fun, having to depend on other people completely, being a damn burden to the people i depend on, always trying to remember what doses of medicine i still need to take and what i've already taken, just not being able to DO much of anything. I hate having to depend on medicine to take away physical pain, because it takes away the pain, but it leaves you completely lifeless. And being lifeless like that eats away at my spirit. My joyful, happy, bubbly, spunky, cheery, energetic, vivacious spirit. I no longer feel like I am Emily, I don't feel like myself. And I hate that there's nothing I can do about it. Because, if I don't take the drugs they prescribed me to help me, then I'm not going to get better. But while I'm on the road to "getting better," basically I'm just this blob of cells lying in the dark in a bed, alone, feeling nothing but feeling everything all at the same time. Feeling nothing, being numbed up so nothing hurts while 2 tiny little stones move down through a tiny tube inside my body, but my heart hurts, my mind hurts- these medicines give me headaches, they make me dizzy, they make me nauseous, they make me sleepy and loopy, I act retarted in front of Nick and I'm glad he's patient because honestly I would get so sick of me.

Here's the thing about strength. There are two kinds, there's inner strength, and there's outer strength. Being strong doesn't mean you have either of these during a time of great trial and hardship. Being strong doesn't mean I can be in the middle of passing a kidney stone and i'm crying and then all the sudden because I'm such a strong person I can make that kidney stone fall right out of me, or that I can sit up in the middle of all that pain and say praise God I am in all this pain right now. No. That is NOT what being strong is about. Being strong comes from after all the pain has run its course. It comes when the hardship is overcome, and it comes through when I can say I knew inside my soul that all along I would come out alive after all of this pain and suffering, and I did. It comes through when I can get myself out of bed and feel the strength in my bones and my muscles and tendons as I start doing physically active things I couldn't do when my body was passing these stones. It comes from attitude. It comes from being a survivor. It comes from my testimony after my suffering has subsided for the time being. Pain is pain. Some people tolerate more pain than others, but I guarantee any person out there, no matter if they're a body builder or a thin, little college student like myself, or a mountain climber, or whatever- this pain would bring them to their knees, crying. And that doesn't make a person not strong. It makes them a person who is in pain. And that can't be helped. There are a lot of sicknesses out there that honestly can be prevented and shouldn't be that hard to prevent and a lot of it is common sense... but then there are things like kidney stones. My ER doctor from Monday said it the best: "sometimes you just can't beat genetics." And they asked me question after question about all kinds of stone-related prevention techniques, and every one of them I could tell them yes I do that, yes I drink that, yes I tried that. But I still have 2 kidney stones inside of me. You do the math- it's genetics. Can't be helped.

Strength is not tested by pain and suffering, it comes OUT of it and FROM it. It comes after the fact. There is no question I am super weak right now. But I am a strong person- ask anyone and they'll vouch for me on that one. I am a strong person because of the way I come out of these periods of pain and suffering. I'm so weak right now, in every way possible. And it's driving me crazy. I want to jump out of bed and go walk around campustown with my friends and go out to a movie and go do this and go do that, but I can't. I can hardly walk to the bathroom right across the hall without almost falling over from dizziness and faintness. I'm angry- angry at genetics. I'm pissed off. I'm depressed I have done nothing but struggle this week to get to class, which I rarely accomplished, and to make it to meals. I'm ashamed that I have depended on Nick for almost everything this week, that he has seen me high on vicodin and helped me to the bathroom to throw up, that he has been forced to hold onto me so that I don't fall over walking me back to my room at night. I'm embarrassed, I'm upset, I'm so frustrated with this disease. I'm mad that people think that I should just stop whining already and get on with my life- anyone out there who thinks that should probably get a kidney stone and tell me how you feel, and then try having them for 6 years and realize you will have them until you die, THEN come to me and tell me to stop whining.

the end.

misery

I feel like a vegetable. Always needing to just sit or lay down and do nothing. I basically never feel good. I mostly either feel pain, sad, numb, weak, and/or miserable. If I don't feel feverish from my kidney stone infection, then it's my hacking cough that won't ever stop and causes my throat great discomfort. If my cough is suppressed for a little bit, then I get drowsy, dizzy and weak from my pain meds so if I'm walking or out somewhere I'm basically gonna collapse unless someone is with me to walk me back to my room to lie down. Thank the Lord for Nick Brannen. If I'm not having any of those problems, I am nauseous or maybe even feel more kidney stone pain as I pass my stupid stones. I AM COMPLETELY MISERABLE. I am not afraid to say that I am completely depressed right now too. I obviously am not my normal, happy self- OBVIOUSLY, I mean come on... anybody in my shoes would be depressed.

I am afraid to try to go to sleep. Because immediately when I lay down and get comfortable, I get bronchial spasms and hack my brains out and wake up all of Friley probably with how loud my cough is. Once I calm down from that, I am all nauseous and dizzy from all the movement from hacking and sitting up and doing my inhaler. So I know I'm not gonna get any good sleep. ONce again. For the past like 3 nights. Tonight isnt gonna be any different.

Basically, I am a mess. a complete mess. just shoot me now.

all we know is falling

I can't tell you how fast life can change. But at the same time, I feel like I've been building up to this moment for the past month... like I should have expected it. But I guess you can't really expect something so unpredictable, just the fact that something you can't control and can't predict is going to happen probably- eventually, at some point. There's something crazy about the moment when I realize a difference between something I can handle and something I need major help with. I honestly cannot explain it in words... all I can say is, it's very memorable. That moment I realize I'm not just crying because it hurts, but I'm screaming and wishing I were dead because it unbearably hurts. Now I will tell you why I wrote all of that. I wrote that because of this:

Over the weekend, I became progressively more and more ill with a cold. It turned into more than just a stuffy nose and a sore throat... it became a bronchial spasming cough that left my throat shredded that left me with no voice and kept me from sleeping more than a couple hours for the entire night. Last night was the worst, nothing I tried would help me stop coughing every time I began to fall asleep. Since I didn't get any sleep, I didn't wake up for my 11 oclock class, so I roused myself a little after noon and made it to lunch with Nick. THe entire lunch I just felt like crying because my throat hurt so bad and I still had no voice and coughed like a barking dog mixed with a hacking smoker of 50 years, which all is very depressing because I feel like I am just ALWAYS sick. Nick tried to help me not think about it so I wouldn't get more depressed, and tried to help me focus on one thing at a time.

I had an exam in my law class this afternoon, so after lunch, he bought me a smoothie and we walked to the book store to get me some blue books for my exam. On the way back to Friley, I felt kidney pain, and it was getting more and more painful the more we walked. He supported me and watched how I progressed into a complete mess because the pain was so bad. When we made it back to my room, I collapsed onto my futon cushion and then that moment came- that moment I was talking about before. All the sudden, I had flashes in my head back to my freshman and sophomore years of high school, the two instances I experienced excruciating kidney stone pain that I absolutely could not bear and had to be rushed to the Emergency Room by my mom. I was having that pain, and I might even say it was WORSE than the other 2 times. I was screaming (of course it was a wheezy scream because I still had barely a voice), and I was telling Nick that I just wanted to die, it hurt that bad. I frantically got ahold of my mom and through my screaming and crying, we decided Nick would drive me to the ER, and my mom would leave immediately from her job and get to Ames as fast as possible. Once at the ER, after filling out ridiculous paperwork and signing all sorts of crap while I was freaking in pain, I finally got back into a room. I gave a urine sample. It hurt. I undressed and got into the stupid hospital gown. Honestly those things are the worst invention ever- why don't they have a hook in the back!?!? Anyway... they got all sorts of information from me, took my vitals, the nurse took a blood sample and stuck me with an I.V., finally giving me pain medicine. Ahh. Pain relief at once. Then they attached the fluid bag and flushed me with 500 mL of fluid through the IV. I asked Nick to come back into the room and be with me til the doctor came. Shortly after, my mom and sister rushed into the room to be at my side. I joked with them about random things (I find that I do that in tense situations whenever I am hospitalized) until someone came to take me to the radiology room for a wonderful CAT-scan. Nick wheeled me in my wheel chair with the lady pulling my fluid bag pole attached to my IV, and I did the CAT-scan. I've done many of them before, but still I felt like I was in a space ship the whole time and it was kind of entertaining. I was very relaxed from the pain medicine they had given me, so things were pleasant. back in the room, we waited for results. I was so glad to have my mom and my sister with me, and Nick too. They helped me so much just by being there.

So the results. Cat-scan showed I have 2 stones waiting to pass. One is high up, one is at the bottom of the ureter ready to drop into the bladder. They are both very small, so no blockage problems or anything, no need for surgery (I suppose that's a good thing). But at the same time, it means I have to pass them naturally... and just deal with the pain, whenever it chooses to strike. I also have a urinary tract infection from having the stones, which is very common and I am no stranger to having trust me. But the infection is causing me to feel very nauseous and feverish all the time, it caused me quite a lot of problems last night trying to sleep. ugh. umm.. what else. Oh, they gave me an inhaler for my cough thank the LORD, so that's helping a lot. They also gave me these pearl drops that help numb my chest and hopefully help suppress the cough as well. So I have an antibiotic for my infection, which makes me very nauseous if I don't have enough food in my stomach when I take it. They also gave me Vicodin for my pain as I pass the stones hopefully sometime this week. I had to be on the Vicodin last night because I got a lot of pain again, and then all throughout the night I was nauseous... I don't think I had enough food in me when I took it, I dont know, I have a sensitive stomach to all these medications. So this morning sucked, I didn't make my 9:30 class being drugged up on Vicodin, having to use my inhaler 3 or 4 times in the middle of the night and waking up every few hours feverish and sick to my stomach. It's just not fun. Not fun at all.

I almost started crying when I opened up my e-mail this morning, and had an e-mail from my hardcore law professor, Dr. Waggoner, in response to my e-mail to her yesterday as I was screaming in pain before Nick took me to the ER... she told me her "hubby" had kidney stones so she understood how much pain I was in, and to not worry about class at all, and to just "give her a holler" when I am well again. She's awesome. Kindness from professors never goes unnoticed by me... because I've had so many experiences with them being absolutely mean and very unhelpful.

I know God is with me through all of this, I know He is my strength, I know that I can deal with this and overcome all the pain. It's just very painful and very hard on my spirit, not just my physical body. I need all the prayers I can get. I am very weary.

Love, Em

"there's nothing you can make that can't be made, there's no one you could save that can't be saved..."

After spending so much time looking inward, and reflecting, and evaluating... I start to look outward with great fervor and passion. I've focused a lot on myself because I had to, whether it was dealing with my sickness and my feelings with all of that and my strength, whether it's looking inside myself and figuring out what needs to be done to get back on track with God, or whatever.. I've just had to spend a lot of time dealing with myself, definitely limiting how much I am able to focus on others, to focus outward. I think both are important, but I know that they can't always be balanced perfectly in life too. That's kinda just how it is.

So I'm really paying attention to what's going on with the people surrounding me, and I just really care about them. A lot. I care so freaking much, it hurts. I want to help so bad, but I know I can't do anything and I shouldn't because it's not my job to fix everyone else's problems- I know that. But I still care so much. Like I wish I could fix what's going on at my home, I wish I could make depressed people not as depressed, I wish I could help an off-tracker get back on track, I wish I could change what happened to make a cheery girl so dreary and different now, I wish I could help a lost soul get found, I wish I could fix everything so that the people I care about could not feel down or hurt or discouraged. I just want everybody to feel good and have no problems. But of course, that's not how humanity is supposed to be. I still find myself wanting it though, I can't help it. I just hate seeing others stumble, fall, cry, and hurt. Maybe it hurts me so much because I know how much it hurts, to whatever extent. I may be only 19, but I've got a lot of experiences under my belt thus far. I wouldn't say my life is anything close to pain-free or easy or un-burdened. I also wouldn't say it's sooooooo unbearably hard and bad all the time, but I have definitely seen a lot and felt a lot that gives me insight into other people's problems.

I just really, really care. It breaks my heart.

let's be more than this

What a crappy week in the life of Emily Sexton. I've probably had 10 + hours of killer kidney stone pain, I think I have an infection with it which is common but of course will be gone before my doctor sees me (that's how it always goes I swear...), I honestly couldn't go to a ton of my classes this week because I was in pain and couldn't walk, and I just feel like everything is falling to pieces. My body is weak, I can't sleep at night and in the morning I have no strength, I'm trying to stay on top of my education and it's almost virtually impossible when I have the burden of a frickin disease hurting me over and over again, never letting me catch a break or stop to relax. The only moments of relief I get have been the times I hung out at night before bed up in Nick's room, helping him write his rhetorical analysis, studying for tests, drinking tea, and him making me laugh and feel happy for once. THis week has sucked. I have a cold on top of it now, my throat hurts and my nose is plugged.

At least my Health Studies 215 instructor was extremely kind and gave me her home phone number to call this weekend and set up a time for me to make up the exam I missed one of the mornings I was writhing in pain in my bed.

At least I got to eat dinner with my favorite youth pastor ever, yes, Mr. Brandon Barker, with my sister, Jamie, and Laina at Laina's apartment before he spoke at Salt last night.

At least I got to be lifted up at Salt last night by thinking about my home waiting for me in heaven and the living hope I inherited from God that is the one thing in this world that won't fade away and die.

At least I am registered for my spring '08 classes and that's done with, and I am officially an English major concentrating in Rhetorical Studies.

At least I had Nick to come to my room and sit with me and keep me company for an hour and a half while I lied knocked out from pain medication and felt completely miserable from kidney pain.

At least I got to make it to Wednesday TV night with the girls and hang out with Zach too.

At least I was told my memoir was the best thing I've ever written. That makes me happy. Thank you.

As always, I will conclude that the positive far outweighs the negative. But the negative still hurts a lot. And the truth is, I am physically very weak and unstable. It takes everything in me to muster up strength to walk out the door and go to class.

<3

my memoir:

Emily Sexton
Engl. 305
10/22/07
Word count: 3,732

Looking Good, Feeling Pain

It’s a lot like knives. It’s like a bunch of knives piercing your most delicate skin. It’s like the stabbing of a wound over and over again in the same spot. These knives move as one element, like a wave of sea water crashing upon edgy rocks. But it’s all going on inside of you, in the tiniest parts of you. You wonder how such a small thing could cause such devastating consequences. But there was no questioning once it hit. Once it hit, I was down for the count. Once it hit, I was uncomfortably aware that my body was under attack, and like a best friend I would do anything to fight for and protect, I would do anything I could to get rid of the pain, to rid my poor, defenseless body of such horrible affliction. My body became so much more precious to me than ever before. So I wiggled and twisted and inhaled and exhaled and squeezed and yelled. Still losing the fight. Pain still unbearable. And so I took my first trip to the emergency room, and so I began walking the path to discovering the cause of all this sudden pain… I was diagnosed with Renal Stone Disease. I was in the 8th grade.

It’s not fair, really. “Isn’t this an old-person’s disease, mom?” I was only thirteen. I started going to see a kidney specialist to figure out the course of action we were going to take to deal with my disorder. There are pills. There are surgeries. There are metal objects that poke and prod and go places I would never say out loud. There are lasers. There are shock waves. There are special diets. There are more tests, more ultrasounds, more x-rays, more radiation. A few days before Christmas, I had another stone episode and ended up in the emergency room for the third time in two weeks. My mom carried me down the three flights of snowy stairs from our apartment to get to the car. “How bad is it, honey?” “Oh Mom… please, make it stop, mom! Just let me die.” Christmas goodies didn’t seem so great, they began to lose their glitter when my immature mind was cluttered with fear and paranoia of the next kidney stone attack.

“A kidney stone is a hard mass that occurs when calcium oxalate or other chemicals in the urine form crystals that stick together. These crystals may grow into stones ranging in size from a grain of sand to a golf ball… Some one million Americans--the majority between the ages of 20 and 40--are treated each year for kidney stones. Kidney stones are more common in men, who account for about four out of five cases.” –The National Kidney Foundation

Over the winter months and into spring, the paranoia consumed me completely. I was always wondering if I would feel that first little pang… if I got a hunger pain or a cramp or anything that might turn into the hours of excruciating kidney stone pain, I was always conscious. Always aware. It might happen at ANY TIME… and there’s nothing I could do to know when. I get dropped off at soccer practice and hear, “drink, drink, drink, Em! Gotta flood out those kidneys!” None of the other kids are thinking about their kidneys as they get out of the car to go play soccer. I end up crying and writhing around in the nurse’s office at school one afternoon. It was the big mile-run day at Indian Hills Jr. High School. The intense heat dehydrated me, as I’m sure it did my classmates also, but my body reacts a little differently than most. I have been a runner all my life, an excellent sprinter. My long legs give me an advantage, and I always ran a successful mile time just a little above average compared to my classmates… until this. I couldn’t finish the mile-run. The knives were back and worse than ever… and I had to explain to the nurse that I had kidney stones. “Really, now that’s interesting… kidney stones in a young thing like you? That’s almost unheard of, isn’t it?” None of the other kids were unable to finish the mile-run in gym that day due to their kidneys. So I spent the rest of the day knocked out from pain medication.

“Stones form twice as often in men as women. The peak age in men is 30 years; women have a bimodal age distribution, with peaks at 35 and 55 years. Once a kidney stone forms, the probability that a second stone will form within five to seven years is approximately 50%.” -Parmar

I entered high school like any other 14-year-old girl. I didn’t know who I was, but I was excited to start a new chapter in my youth. I had a new best friend every month, crushes on all the popular boys, I found out I thrived in my English class and dived in my algebra class. I was a healthy, skinny, athletic blonde with a new haircut and a summer tan. Things change fast though, and they appear differently than they really are. It was a Sunday night in early October, and I fell asleep at 11 o’clock, thinking the next thing I was going to be doing was getting up to go to school. That’s not what happened at all. An hour after falling asleep, I felt my world crash down around me as I realized the pain in my lower-abdomen was not going away and only getting stronger. More knives piercing me over and over again. More waves crushing me. Bricks were piling on top of the knives pushing them harder and harder into my little body. It’s hard to even put the pain into words. After lying in my bed trying to suppress my screams for half an hour, I crawled on my hands and knees in the dark up the stairs to get to my parents’ bedroom. My tears were enough to clue them in on what was going on, so they pulled me into bed with them and tried everything in their power to make me feel better, even though nothing could. I vomited my pain medication back up not even five minutes after I swallowed it, I couldn’t stand nor sit up, I was crying, and all my mom could do was lay next to me and let me squeeze her hand. It was now 4 a.m. and I had had no relief. I had never been in that much pain for that long EVER… I had never imagined it either. It was completely surreal.

“…Usually, the symptom of a kidney stone is extreme pain that has been described as being worse than child labor pains. The pain often begins suddenly as the stone moves in the urinary tract, causing irritation and blockage. Typically, a person feels a sharp, cramping pain in the back and in the side of the area of the kidney or in the lower abdomen, which may spread to the groin.” –The Urology Center of Florida

I had also never been on morphine before. But then again, you would assume most 14-year-olds hadn’t experienced a major narcotic like that. It’s too bad my experience with it almost killed me. I think if I ever did drugs, the way I felt as the nurse stabbed the I.V. into my hand would probably have the same effect. That’s because they mistakenly overdosed me, a lot. We’re talking three milligrams they were supposed to inject versus the ten milligrams they actually gave me. On the bright side, the six hours of straight pain I had gone through by the time I was lying in the emergency room, completely subsided in a matter of seconds. In fact, I felt nothing, absolutely nothing. People were swooping in and out of and around the room in blurs, my mom’s words of worry were muffled and slurred, everyone was on edge and their faces were tense, but I was in another world in my mind. I closed my eyes and thought opening them again might be a little too hard to manage. My body tingled slightly and then it was like a soft darkness veiled over it, like I was covered in a black shroud floating in the sky in some far-off galaxy.

After that, I don’t remember much. I awoke in another room, a real hospital room, the room I would remain for the next three days. I didn’t know why I was awake, it was still very early in the morning… then I found my answer. This is when the vomiting began. If anyone gives you morphine, just remember that it takes away the pain, but it will make your stomach very upset. Don’t ask me why, but I counted… and the official count stopped at twenty-five. Once you vomit twenty-five times, there is obviously no food left in your stomach, so you start to throw up a disgusting substance I learned was called “bile”, a bitter alkaline fluid that comes from your gallbladder. If the hours of leaning over bedpans weren’t bad enough… I got no sleep, I was lonely, I hated the cheery nurses that came in to take my blood pressure and check my I.V., the stench I associate with hospitals made me feel sicker than I already was, I couldn’t hold my head up longer than two seconds, and every now and then I felt waves of kidney pain start and stop like a big tease.

Serious side effects of morphine:
• shallow breathing, slow heartbeat;
• seizure (convulsions);
• cold, clammy skin;
• confusion;
• severe weakness or dizziness; or
• feeling light-headed, fainting.
Less serious side effects are more likely to occur, such as:
• constipation;
• warmth, tingling, or redness under your skin;
• nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, diarrhea, loss of appetite;
• dizziness, headache, anxiety;
• memory problems; or
• sleep problems (insomnia).

It was the longest and cruelest day of my life. I felt like I had the body of an 80-year-old. And when I was finally freed from the cage that hospital had become to me, I NEVER wanted to smell that hospital stench EVER again. Back at home, all I did was lay around. That’s all I really could do. I couldn’t eat, sleep, or walk further than the bathroom without needing someone to help me. My body was going to take a while to adjust back to normal after such a painful experience… and especially because of the heavy use of narcotics I had been exposed to. “Give it a couple weeks, Em… you’ll gain your strength back, just give it time.” But it was too much. I was too young to feel like this, too weak to want to try to get better, and I slipped into a three-fold state of depression: physically, psychologically, and spiritually. I couldn’t look at my dad because I was mad at him for giving me bad genes and looking at him made me want to yell and punch him for the pain he caused me. I couldn’t walk up the stairs without a wave of exhaustion washing over my body, forcing me to grasp the railing like a feeble, old grandmother. I hated God and turned away from Him because He let it happen to me. I stopped praying, I stopped reading my Bible, I stopped going to youth group and church, I stopped everything. I hated anyone I passed by that wasn’t breathing heavily from just walking and moving around. Anyone who was happy and healthy. I looked at them and thought how I used to be just like them before December of my 8th grade year.

The worst was people’s reactions when they found out why I hadn’t been in school for a week. They couldn’t believe I was ailed by such a serious thing. They had no idea what the pain was like. And you could see it on their faces, like when you reveal something really significant to someone and they just sort of take it like they would the weekend gossip. And then after about a week, everyone around you starts to treat you like you’re just fine. Because you’re walking, you’re sitting in class, you’re talking by the lockers with your friends. But inside… inside you’re weak and dead. You have so much healing left to do. So much strength left to gain back. But to the human eye, you look completely normal. I wanted people to understand, I wanted them to know. And I also didn’t want them to know… I wanted to hide it. I struggled with that for a very long time, long after I had gained back most of my physical strength… which took a good two months. When the spring soccer season rolled around, it was time for me to try out for our high school’s team… my first real tryout for a competitive high school sport. After my hospital stay, my visits with my kidney specialist left me with an order to try to “treat” my kidney problems by making sure I was always staying hydrated. Once soccer season arrived, this got much harder. Every time I had to stop and grab an extra drink, I wished I could go back to the careless days at soccer practice when I didn’t once think about preventing such a thing as kidney stones. I performed to my best ability, but sometimes my best wasn’t as good as everyone else because of kidney stones. Sometimes I had to sit on the side lines. Sometimes I had to leave early. Sometimes I couldn’t finish the drills. All because of something inside of me that no one could see. Soccer coaches are accustomed to seeing twisted ankles and torn ACL’s, not kidney stones. They only knew by my facial expression that I was in pain.

“A number of risk factors play major roles in stone formation. The first is loss of body fluids (dehydration). When one does not consume enough fluids during the day, the urine often becomes quite concentrated and darker. This increases the chance that crystals can form from materials within the urine, because there is less fluid available to dissolve them.”

On a steaming day later in the summer, I found myself sitting in the familiar small office of my kidney specialist. I walked through the familiar hospital filled with familiar faces all from sad, tired, weak, old men and women hobbling into the elevators and sitting in their wheelchairs in the waiting rooms. Their silver hair and wrinkled hands looked nothing like my long, blonde hair pulled back in a sporty pony-tail and my athletic little legs in my white soccer shorts, no wrinkles to date. Test results had revealed my fatal flaw. I cocked my head and narrowed my eyes at this peculiar discovery. My body doesn’t produce as much citrate as it should be producing. Therefore, I have the tendency to form kidney stones from the lack of kidney stone inhibitors, which comes from citrate. I have a “metabolic abnormality”.

I glanced back and forth between my doctor and my mom for answers to questions I haven’t formed just yet. I figured out that what he was saying was that this isn’t just a momentary problem. My doctor looked at me when he spoke to me, which was weird because I usually had very little understanding of anything he said… I was just a kid; I kind of wished he would just look at my mom instead. This was all very foreign to me. My mind was probably distracted thinking about when my next soccer game was. But when the words ‘citrate’ and ‘metabolic abnormality’ kept flying out of his mouth, I was hooked. Then I looked to my mom for some kind of assurance that everything was going to be ok no matter what words were coming out of his mouth. “There is a medication we could put you on. It has a good success rate. I hesitate though… you’re extremely young to be worrying about taking a pill twice a day for the rest of your life. Discuss it with your mom, don’t feel rushed, we’ve got plenty of time. I’ll see you guys in a few months.” I listened to my mom tell me she agrees that I am too young to start taking such a long-lasting medication. She didn’t promise a solution, because there really isn’t one. But she always hugged me the right way that told me, “I don’t know what’s going to happen, sweetie, but I’m always going to be right here with you to help you through it.”

“…Potassium citrate attaches to calcium in the urine, preventing the formation of mineral crystals that can develop into kidney stones.”

“…About half of children with stones have an identifiable metabolic disorder, which increases their risk of stone recurrence five-fold.”

When the one-year anniversary for my hospitalization came around, I cheered a little inside. I got on with my sophomore year of high school, feeling older, cooler, and healthy again. And I wish with all of my heart I could end the story here and conclude that I lived happily ever after, but I went down the other path, the path to inexplicable pain. I began making weekly trips to the nurse’s office. They saw me so much that year they told me I was kind of like a daughter to them. They got used to my half-bent over posture walking weakly through the wooden door, continuing on to the back room where the lights remain off and I can lie down for one class period or however long it took. They provided me with a heating pad to hold on my back to help with the frequent muscle spasms I was now getting from my disorder… they didn’t hurt as bad as kidney stones themselves, but felt very similar.

One night in February, I awoke to a horrifying sense of deja-vu. “No, no, no… this cannot be happening again. No, please, not again.” I started begging and pleading with God. I wanted Him to reach out and just suck the stone or stones right out of my body with His own two hands. When I made it upstairs and woke my mom up, it was like I was experiencing the October stone attack all over again, but somehow it was worse, somehow it was even more painful. My mom was so cautious to drive me to the hospital. But I knew what was going on inside of me. I knew it wasn’t going to stop anytime soon. And it didn’t. It went on for three more hours… and I threatened to drive myself to the hospital if she wouldn’t do it, I was so desperate for pain relief, I felt like I could just die from the pressure of the knives. I lay crumpled in the passenger seat as my mom drove at the speed of light to get me to that emergency room. I was wailing and screaming my head off. When they got me into a bed, my body started to convulse uncontrollably from all the pain. They rolled me into the x-ray room as fast as they could, promising pain relief in just a couple more minutes… those minutes felt like hours. At last, they covered me with a heated blanket to help with my convulsions, and they gave me an I.V., carefully checking my wristband the emergency room attendant had attached specifically warning NO MORPHINE, so I didn’t find out until later what narcotic they put me on that time. When I was roused sometime in the afternoon from my sleep, my mom mentioned it was some narcotic called Newbane that doctors said they give to women who are in labor. I was just glad it didn’t make me throw up twenty-five times. I lied in that hospital bed for three days, barely moving, speaking, or existing really. It was depressing.

“Some people are more susceptible to forming kidney stones, and heredity certainly plays a role. The majority of kidney stones are made of calcium, and hypercalciuria (high levels of calcium in the urine), is a risk factor. The predisposition to high levels of calcium in the urine may be passed on from generation to generation. Some rare hereditary diseases also predispose some people to form kidney stones. Examples include people with renal tubular acidosis and people with problems metabolizing a variety of chemicals including cystine (an amino acid), oxalate, (a type of salt), and uric acid (as in gout).”
--eMedicineHealth

One year following my February hospitalization, my mom and sister presented me with a single yellow rose. That rose represented so much to me. In its petals, I saw the pain of my past woven into the pain of my present, and inevitably the pain of my future. But it was yellow, like the sunshine. It was hope. Smelling its sweet fragrance made me calm. I think with every long-lasting problem you are forced to deal with in your life, you have to accept it as being a part of who you are. I don’t like having a kidney stone disease. I don’t wish it upon anyone else. I don’t like that it stained all four years of my high school career with tears and sweat and anger. But it also made me stronger, and without that strength, I wouldn’t be the girl I am today. My friends look at me and envy my slender body and my toned stomach. But there’s so much more to me than that. And people recognize that too, which is all that really matters. They recognize my strength and perseverance that comes from my struggle with renal stone disease. They witness my exuberant joy that results from taking full advantage of healthy, happy times after years of suffering and pain. I may appear to have a great body, but my confidence comes more from overcoming time after time after time of painful kidney stone episodes than people complimenting how good I look in my skinny jeans and fitted t-shirt. I live a life of pain, and out of it I am blessed. I will continue a life of pain until the day I die, and I will still try to wiggle and twist and inhale and exhale and squeeze and yell… but I will also smile, because I will overcome.

All you need is love, love is all you need

I loved my weekend. It entailed celebrating a friend's birthday, seeing a visiting friend I rarely get to see and miss dearly, viewing an incredible movie with a bunch of my friends back in the WDM, and working on writing my memoir.

Sometimes there are movies that come along and inevitably rock my world. Across The Universe is one of those movies. It had all the components of a good movie, in my opinion, at least for the kind of movie you would categorize it as. The music was fabulous, obtaining the soundtrack for it was essential. It was artistic, and it blew me away. It was weird. It was about a different culture, it was about a time in our history when our country was at war in Vietnam and young people everywhere wanted to be radical and revolutionary. They wanted love and peace in true hippie fashion. One of the main characters was burdened with getting drafted and having to go to war, one was an artist who falls in love with another main character, and then there are all these other characters that make up this odd yet unified group of people all on their own journeys to find love, try to make a difference in the world, and bring peace to a troubled nation. The character portraits are fascinating. Jude and Max's voices are absolutely amazing in every song, I just want to listen to them all day and all night. The trippy-ness (trippiness?) is apparent throughout, and it brings comedy to an otherwise dark era filled with student protests ending in beatings and other violent measures by the police. There's a lesbian, there's a jimi hendrix guitarist representation, there's Bono playing a doctor with some weird trippy bus that drives around the country looking for hippies to join the movement for whatever his teaching was, there's the horror of discovering your son died at war and won't be coming home.

My absolute favorite scene (I have several...), was one in which Jude is in his "studio" office whatever you want to call it in the apartment, and Strawberry Fields plays while the movie flashes back and forth between his stabbing of strawberries and sticking them to the wall and watching the red juice run down the wall, to pictures of Vietnam and war devastation. It's outstanding. Then I also love one of the beginning scenes when Jojo is walking through the subway and the streets of New York with his guitar and you see all the people and the representation of the culture back then, and the pimp old man is singing "Come Together"... it's awesome. Then of course I loved the very climactic scene when Jude sings "Across the Universe" while he runs to find Lucy at a war protest after they had an argument, and the police come and start beating people and they get ahold of Lucy and Jude both and they try to grab for each other's hands, all the while flashes of Max in Vietnam come up, and then Jude ends up in jail.

Ugh and I LOVEEEE the scene where Jude sings "I've Just Seen a Face"... Lucy, Max, and him are bowling one night having fun before Max and Jude leave for New York, and Jude sings the song about falling for Lucy and the shots of people sliding down the alleys are just awesome... and I love scenes in movies where you see two people and realize they are going to end up together, so yeah, it made me happy. and I LOVED also the scene towards the end when Max is in a bar in New York and Jude is in a bar in Liverpool, and the mirror makes them appear to be sitting right next to each other and Max starts to sing "Hey Jude" and it's as if Jude hears Max singing to him, and so he gets up and leaves the bar and travels back to New York through the immigration center so he can find Lucy, the love of his life. AHHH, it's so great.

The only scene I really hated was the awkward water scene with all the naked yet not completely appearing naked asian women swimming around. It was very artistic, but very awkward. and I just really hate boobs in the movies!!!!!!! cause they're everywhere these days.

It's controversial, it's an important time of our history, it's an artist's dream come true. I loved it!

Run to you

when I read these lyrics, I thought of them as words in a letter from me to God, maybe you will too...

"turn look, look out and see
do you see me cause i think i see you
i've been some other place
the wind that i chase
it all just leads back to you
oh how i'm still, so still
its sobering, but still i ran
i knew you when i was young
but where am i now that i'm a man

run to you, i will run, i will run
i will move right on through all these things that i have done
and you'll take me back, i don't know why
i wanna say i'll never do it again
but i can't, but i will try

turn look, look and see
do you see me cause i think i see you
i've been some other place
the wind that i chase
it all just leads back to you
oh how i miss what you miss
but i will fall time and again
and i will say that i'm true to you
but i'm a cheat, i don't understand

so i'll run to you, i will run, i will run
i will move right on through all these things that i have done
and you'll take me back, i don't know why
i wanna say i'll never do it again but i can't
i wanna say i'll never do it again but i can't
i wanna say i'll never do it again but i can't
but i will try."
-the rocket summer

<3

I will run to Him. I am running to Him.

are you listening?

I miss the summer sunshine shining down on me and my friends. I miss bike rides with Aubrey. I miss my Trop Sno family. I miss spending every night with all the people I love. I miss sitting at the end of the Laugerman's driveway on humid nights. I miss the deep talks. I miss the Harry Potter excitement. I miss listening to The Rocket Summer's newest album every day because it sounds like summer and made driving with my windows open that much more exciting. I miss beaching it up. I miss bible study with the girls. I miss having full days that aren't bogged down with sickness. I miss making money. I miss Thursday nights at Immersion, and mac 'n tea fun times that followed. I miss sleepovers. I miss sitting outside of the Starbucks on University Ave. and taking a hundred stupid pictures. I miss the time when making lists wasn't a necessity. I miss hanging out in Kate's tent on a lazy summer day. I miss summer storms that don't leave you freezing and grumpy, but warm and happy inside. I miss having a window that keeps cold air out. I miss being able to go buy a new outfit just to give myself a little boost. I miss the bonfires.

But right now, I would go without all of those things ever again if I could just have you back in my arms, because I miss you most of all.

so strong...

And yet, I feel my heart being pulled apart. Right now I just want to be held in his arms. I've been so strong this past week, I don't feel bad for breaking down a couple times when I want to feel what I've been missing so much. It doesn't make me weak, it makes me human. It doesn't mean Satan's winning, I'm still doing what is right. I don't break down anymore when I'm actually around him. but when I sit here at my desk before I turn off the lights, I feel my heartstrings tense up. When I am with him, I'll glance down at his hands every now and then and I just want to feel them enclose in mine. So I think about moments like that hours later in my solitude, because that's the only time I can. When I'm actually around him I remain strong and don't cry when someone awkwardly finds out we aren't together anymore, I don't fall apart when we watch a movie and he doesn't sit close to me, I don't stall at the door for a goodnight kiss when we part, I let the 5 or 10 second hug suffice and pray to God I can keep this up. Everything changed during a tense moment between us last week, when I got extremely mad at him for being so strong whenever he was around me... I never saw him struggling like I was, I was always falling apart when I was around him it seemed. Every night ended in me crying. But when he said these words- "Emily, if I'm not gonna be strong, then who will? obviously not you, and that's ok. so I have to be strong." It changed everything, because I knew he was right, and I knew I had to be that way too. So I tried, and I kept trying, and then it got easier, and now I am strong every time I'm around him. I still don't like it. But I'm doing it.

It's just hard right now. Really hard.

Trust.

There's nothing more to ask of you. That's why it's so awesome and so hard at the same time. I ask myself at the end of the day what could have made things better, and the answer is nothing. You are giving all that you can, and it's exactly what you need to give. Everything is exactly how it ought to be. I wouldn't have it any other way. Yes I can dream and hope and imagine when I go to sleep at night and slip into my unconscious, but the truth is I trust my God. He does not fail us nor disappoint. I wouldn't have it any other way because God chose things to be this way, and I'm sticking with God. How else have I sustained these past two weeks? How did I get to this point, where I can say with confidence He is my God who loves me and the One I trust. At the end of the day, I know there's nothing more to say and nothing more to be asked of you. Our God is faithful to those who believe. You're believing, and I am believing, and together that's enough... that's enough for me to keep going. That's enough for me to keep trusting.

But don't believe for one second that I don't wish to wrap my arms around you longer and harder every time we hug goodbye.

"and in the time it took to write you this song..."

I couldn't sleep last night. I had things swirling around in my head that wouldn't stop swirling. Eventually they did, but I think I laid in bed for 2 hours in the dark trying to will them out of my head so I could sleep for a few hours. To compensate, I slept until noon today.

This is a story I will call, "Not Anymore."

The pairing of the words 'not' and 'anymore' together do not seem very threatening or bad. I can think of many examples of the pairing that come in response to questions that are very harmless. Such as, "hey are you still hungry?" -"Not anymore, I ate a huge flying burrito for dinner." Or, "do you still want to go to the party?" -"not anymore, I feel like watching a movie instead." Or even, "do you go to valley high school?" -"not anymore, I am a sophomore at Iowa State now."

But my experience with those two words was much more unpleasant. It left a bad taste in my mouth. Let me show you why. Instead of questions that deal with how you feel, or what you want to do, or location or the like, he was asked the question that dealt with my precious heart. I saw the whole thing come together, and finally he asked, "wait, are you guys still dating?" -"not anymore," he responded. But the way it felt was more like, "NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!" It was like someone turned on a florescent light above us when he said it. It was like the questioner might as well have asked the question into a megaphone. And then I watched the respondent struggle for a quick second before relaying said response. His lips parted and I swear I saw the words in all caps scream out for the whole world to hear. So then I just hated everything and everyone for a moment as the feeling seeped in and spread throughout my vessels. Then, everything was awkward. Like all the sudden I was aware that my legs are too long and too skinny and pointing out in strange angles. Then I was aware that my arms were crossed and maybe that said to everyone in the circle that I was mad or, the truth be told, I might be uncomfortable... gasp! And then I was aware that I didn't know where to place my gaze. Don't look down Emily, everyone might think you look sad or forlorn, don't look up Emily, everyone might think you're trying not to cry, don't look at him too long Emily, he's not going to look back.

That is why I do not like the words 'not' and 'anymore' paired together any longer. I'm done with that coupling.

On another note,

THE ENVY CORPS played an AMAZING show last night at House of Bricks!!!!!!!
Every song was just so good, I can remember most of the set, but not completely and not the exact order...
Wires and Wool
You Look Good In Wings pt. II
Sylvia (the Beekeeper)
Rooftop
Ninety-Nine One-Hundred
Pip Pip
an 80's cover
Baby Teeth
Party Dress
Rhinemaidens
Story Problem

... ahh, so good. They're so fun on-stage and I just love every one of them. Rhinemaidens and Story Problem were definitely the most energetic, and that's expected since they were the last 2 songs and obvious crowd favorites. I loved the contrast between playing Sylvia which I was moving and dancing to and then slowing things down with Rooftop to a little sway. I loved it every time Brandon the guitarist grabbed his mic and held it out for the audience to sing into. I loved watching Nick obsess over their top-notch equipment the whole time. I loved watching the drummer Scott... I always get a kick out of watching drummers at shows :) he was hilarious, and what a look he has, goodness. When they started Party Dress I went crazy and the entire front part of the crowd that I was apart of was just dancing like crazy, and when they got to my favorite part of the song with the line about saying off with your head and Luke just belted it, oh man that was awesome for me. Baby Teeth was definitely one of my favorites, I love the build-up and the huge sound at the end and it's just so beautiful. The end of Story Problem when they had the crowd sing the 'ohs' and everything was incredible. Ugh, it was just so good. Definitely awaiting their next album.

I love going to good shows.
--------------------------------------------
I just noticed this very large woman sitting at the table over from me in the Barnes & Noble cafe has been looking at the screen of my laptop like she's trying to see what I'm typing. Ha. See if she can see me write this about her! HA. thought that was kinda funny.

well I wanted to get a lot of work done on my Law & Politics class and possibly construct my proposal for my english class on a memoir topic, but... not much has been done. Instead, I wrote this blog and I've been watching the Envy Corps videos and listening to their stuff. I have no idea when Nick's going to want to go back to Ames, but, oh well. I'm pretty much done here anyway. I've gotten out what needed to be said. :)
<3

sometimes I spend my time just trying to escape

this is all I have to say right now.

"sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
to hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
this version of myself
i try to hide behind
i'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

and sometimes i'm so thankful for your loyalty
your love regardless of the mistakes i make will spoil me
my confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
and i'm satisfied to realize you're all i'll ever need

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

and sometimes i spend my time
just trying to escape
i work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to create space
cause i want distance from the utmost important thing i know
i see your love, then turn my back, and beg for you to go

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

you're the only one who understands
completely
you're the only one who knows me yet still loves completely

and sometimes the place i'm at is at a loss for words
if i think of something worthy, i know that it's already yours
and through the times i've faded and you've outlined me again
you've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
let me embrace
let me embrace salvation." -Relient K "I Am Understood"

I cannot guess what we'll discover...

With all the stuff going on in my life, I don't want to forget to "smell the roses" as the old saying goes. On my way to class this afternoon, I walked through central campus and it was just absolutely beautiful. My eyes beheld startling colors of red and gold amongst the trees, the sky a perfect deep blue with soft, white clouds. Everything was just lovely. And God made it all for us to enjoy. I love all of our human senses, but sight is special isn't it? Colors warm my soul. They please my eyes when I see them. The air was crisp, but not unpleasantly cold. I appreciated the nature all around me. I love this campus. When I first came to Iowa State, I recognized it for its beauty immediately. I just love it. God really cares about us to give us such beauty to be surrounded by all the time, even beauty in the changing of the seasons. Thinking about it just makes me sigh and get into a dreamy state where nothing can really go wrong, everything is just sort of in its rightful place.

this I promise you

I'll be the first one in a room full of people to admit I don't do the right thing all the time. I'll also be the first one to say, but I try... I try my hardest. I think it's impossible to not pay attention to my feelings and emotions, but I think it is possible to not let them win over the intention to do what is right. God doesn't look at us without looking at our hearts. Our hearts matter. The whole issue is that we are human, limiting our understanding of the heavenly realm, of God. But we strive always to not let our humanity pull us downward and further away from God. Because... let's be honest, the fact is that humanity is full of a bunch of people who sin day in and day out, so that sin is going to ultimately widen the gap between us and God. I think the biggest thing that makes humans human is our ability to feel, because it is unlike any other creature on this planet. The center of our brain is the limbic system, which is all about emotions, and also in the very center of our brain is the thalamus, which is all about pain and pleasure. That's my point. God made it that way. But he also made us so that our heart is in our chest and it is separated from the brain that is in our head.

I have to make an effort to go with my head and not JUST my heart. Zach, we've had this conversation many times over I feel. I struggle with it. I just do. I'm a human AND I'm a girl, that's two strikes against me already. I have to separate the two. I can feel and be emotional and also be rational and think clearly, and remember all the wonderful things I know to be true that I learned so that when these situations come up that test me, I can use that knowledge and fight off the attack on my heart... because that is my weak point. I know God's promises are true. I know my worth. I know my strength. I know my faith is going to get me through this. Now all I have to do is choose to believe these things and incorporate them into my heart so that I don't remain a complete emotional mess. the END.

psych test now. bye.

insecure.

I don't trust him right now
some kind of sixth sense inside of me is sounding an alarm
I can't trust him now
I TRUSTED him to be someone I could count on
someone I could take a risk with
because relationships are always risks
giving time, alone, is enough to raise the stakes
not to mention everything else you give
and I trusted him through it all
I could count on him in what he said and did
but he busted up my trust
when he busted up our relationship
now I have thoughts of insecurities
now I wonder if he thinks about someone else
now I don't know if he misses me at all
will he go back to her
if he gets the chance
I'm forgetting everything he used to say
about how I'm so much better
if I'm so much better
why was it still not enough
to keep you?

I can't explain it
something just stirred inside of me.
I don't trust him.

"If I ever make a mess, I'll do anything for you..." -Sufjan

I think a part of the reason why I have the internal conflicts and struggles that I have in my life, is because I suck at Pulling Back. I'm a really bad puller-backer. It's a root in the very depths of my soul, it's intertwined in my personality, just who I am. I am great at taking it to the next level though. So that works in positive ways for me when the opportunity comes around for such an act... but pulling back? Not so much my forte. Giving slack. Letting some things slide. Taking it DOWN a notch.

Of course everyone knows I'm loud. I laugh loud, I talk loud, I'm too loud most the time. I like when dramatic things happen that seem like they only happen in movies. I've always been a very good actress because of my facial expressions and animations which are LOUD in non-verbal ways. But there are other times in one's life that one must pull back. This is when I go, oh darn. Crap. Frick. Dang it. Because I know I have a hard time doing this. I'm like.. oh here we go again. How do you pull back exactly? My difficulty with such a thing comes from my abundant desire to please people and my huge heart that I have that makes me care SO much... about everything! I just care. I couldn't try to NOT care, it's basically impossible. If it's not the person that I care about, it's the situation, the ideas and principles behind the person and the situation, the underlying form, the analysis of what is at stake, the value, the root of my cares is love. I just have so much love... I feel like sometimes I have too much love and I have nothing to do with it! That's why I treat people the way I do. Which, hopefully, makes people think of me in a positive way. I know I obviously have treated people badly, but I would also like to think that I realize my way of error and correct it showing that I really do love after all, even if I was being stupid for a while.

Anyway, commitment and loyalty are two big issues I have with "pulling back". I think the two go hand in hand, so I can't really say the other without putting an 'and' and the other with it. Once I am grounded in strong commitment for something, or someone, I am flat-out loyal to it, or them. It never really goes away. But then the situation changes and I am forced to cut back a little. I was used to the level of commitment I was at. I was used to the loyalty that makes me do other things that also increase that commitment... like doing nice things for a person, serving them, making them feel good, cheering them up, treating them like a treasure.

Um... so anyway, I just have a hard time lessening that sense of commitment and loyalty. How do you pull back? I suck at it. And my writing reflects this! Yeah! My english prof here wrote all these comments on my first essay for her class saying that I was "overwriting", that sometimes if I just pulled back a little it would actually make it better writing. And I was just like ugh, you've got to be kidding me! It's just not me, pulling back and all. It's not me. And when I did pull back in my writing for our latest paper, I felt like it was terrible because I knew I would have much rather taken it to a higher intensity... I dunno... I wouldn't have "pulled back" so much.

I really do suck at pulling back. This is kind of a problem at times! like now.

should I stumble again, I'm caught in Your grace

man oh man oh man oh man. one more, oh man. k.

oh my gosh I am dying to be creative and artsy right now, but I have academics taking over my life right now and limiting my "leisure time" to the max. Poo on that. My sadness and frustration last week suppressed my desire to draw and fill up white pages with beautiful, bright colors. As the lyric goes, "it's not the colors that matter, just that they all fade away..." and so they did fade for a little. but now I thirst for color once again. The same way I thirst for my God to fill my cup day in and day out. I need Him so much right now.

Today, I was ok. Today... I was good. I've been very strong. Last night before going to sleep, I had a very good conversation with God. It started out with me being the resistant child... as usual, but ended with me surrendering everything to Him and letting go. It was very emotional. There was some crying (some? how about buckets...), there was some singing, there was some burying of the head, and then there was freedom.

I went to the hospital after my last class today. I was nervous. I set out to accomplish the one task I told myself I needed to do first and foremost, and I did it. I found the hospital, I used the free valet parking service, I sat down with the lab registration lady and gave her my insurance card and allllll the main digits every human must have embedded in their minds to prove their identity and get medical care (social security, phone number, address, you know all that good stuff), then I sat and waited a while, then they gave me my jugs for my two 24-hour urine labs I have to do sometime this week... oh the joy..... and then I went in with the doc and actually got the bloodwork done. I looked away and it didn't hurt at all (it never does... maybe I'm just really, really used to it...), she asked me if I had any questions and I replied no I do not... and then I left. The end. Check that off the list. Next task to tackle? Changing my major.

Every time I think about him (which is so very, very often...sigh...), I start thinking about God. I start to pray. I start to recite the words of a worship song in my head. I start to not hurt as much. The sting goes away for the time being. I don't like occupying my life and my mind with the things I know I don't REALLY want to occupy my life and mind with, but... that's just natural. I know I must. I know God has this all planned out. I know He's holding me in His hands.

Do I sound strong? I am.

But I really want to see him right now, I really want to be next to him RIGHT now...

I give you control...

forget everything I said
I'm lost inside my head
the key to this is clear
my Father draws near

surround me, surround me
like flames in a garden
burn me down and watch me grow
it's all for you, it's all for you

forget everything I wanted
you're all I want now
I fell for him, I'm sorry
pick me up and hold me close

remember my cries Father
the darkness makes me unsure
take him from me, take him
he's all yours, I know now

I'm losing myself
to gain it all
this loss will flourish
into everlasting gain.
---

ouch.

the art of losing myself

I'm not ok with being ok with the way things are. Understand? It makes perfect sense to me.

I cannot just... SETTLE, for the lackluster conversation and the lack of eye contact that makes me feel like he just doesn't care. I know he does. I just have to keep telling myself he cares. Even though he doesn't look at me the way he used to, the way I want him to. I hate not feeling his hand close in to mine. I hate walking next to him but feeling 20 feet away from him. I hate holding my heart at a distance because I have to. I hate that he is acting like everything's fine and dandy, even though that's what he should be doing, I hate that he's doing what he should be doing- because it makes it more obvious that I'm not doing what I should be doing... acting the same way. It's all just an act though, isn't it. It's all for him though. I wouldn't be doing it if I just cared about myself, or cared about myself more. I don't. I care about him more. I'll do anything to help him. If that means being frustrated every second of the day and hurting every time I hug him goodnight and that's all it is- a goodnight, then it will be done.

I'm not ok with being OK. I'm not ok with sitting down and having a conversation about life with him, the same way we would converse before this all happened, but it's completely different. Furthermore, I'm not ok with getting up to leave and realizing that just happened, and I couldn't feel more desperate to just be held by him again. The feeling sets in of "this is the new routine" - and I know I must get used to this change, but why? Why get used to something I can't stand? Simply to cope... that's all. Not because that's what I really want, not because that's how I truly feel. Just because I have to, to get on with life, to move on with the day. Nothing more. So really, I will never be used to this "new routine" - this heartless, seemingly empty act of solely friendship. whatever that means. I don't even know.

I'm not ok with being ok, because if I am being ok with everything- I'm afraid that's all it will ever be between us. It will never go back to what we once were. My biggest fear. I see it flying around us, and I just want to grab it and stomp on it and kill it so it can never be a possibility. If it flies over to him and his heart is open enough, and it flies in, honestly I don't know what I'd do if it became a reality. I don't want to think about it, but it's hard not to.

I don't want to be "ok". Right now, I hate "ok". I choose being true to my heart and true to myself. I will never choose the other. So I guess I choose to hurt then. What a fantastic week this is going to be..... oh goodness.