you make this all worthwhile... you get better by the mile.

yeah and the truth is, I would do anything for you. I would go through the worst pain. I would hurt and hurt and hurt. I would suffer. I would do it all. You're more important than my own life, because you're my friend, and I mean that in the deepest way you can mean it. And you can say what you want to me, you can push me around, beat my heart up a little. I love you the same if you do it and if you don't. That's why it's so hard right now. Maybe other people just don't understand the depth of love in my heart for you. It can outlast the pettiest of fights, the longest freeze-outs, the most painful exchange of words. If there was only one drink of water left and we were both dehydrated, you get the drink. No matter what circumstances surround us, all I think about is how much I love you and how I would do anything for us to be ok again. Right and wrong aren't in the issue. Let me explain that. You can be wrong, but I'm still going to be by your side and I'm still going to jump in front of bullets for you. I know you're going through stuff. I know what you're going through. I know you're slipping a little. I know you're not being yourself because you're learning how to deal with all of this change, and it affects how you treat the people closest to you, like me. I know these things. I know. I was angry at first. Now I'm just tired of being separated from you, even though I've cried at least 3 times on your account this week. You've hurt my heart so much, but I know things are going to be ok. I just love you and love your friendship. No questions asked.

love.

the greatest of these is love
the most painful of these is love
dost love not trap us all
dost love not hold us captive
love's seasons change faster than autumn's leaves
love's strings strain harder than tendons to bones
love hath power to destroy us in one breath
love hath mystery to entice us in one kiss
dost love not keep us apart
dost love not push further away
thy flame burns out and will fade
thou art a spark waiting to evade
thy garden dries up and dies
thou art a weed twisting in lies
I bid thee love to be fairest of them all
I admit thee love to be scariest of them all
thou art far easiest to enthrall
thou art thy lover's worst fall.

speak up, I want to hear your voice

My first assignment for my English 305-Creative Nonfiction class. We had to write a paragraph about our voice, and where it came from.

Emily Sexton
Engl. 305
8/27/07


My voice has been performing ever since I can remember. If there are people present, I have an audience, and my voice wants to be heard. My older sister has always been ambitious, smart, and, well, older… so I grew up in her shadow. My voice learned how to compensate for being number two in the family by being loud, funny, and animated. If I wasn’t singing, I was laughing, if I wasn’t laughing, I was retelling a dramatic event, if I wasn’t doing that, I was using my voice to entertain or receive a reaction one way or another. My voice can never be boring, so it must be exciting, passionate, and vivacious. My voice cannot be lost in someone else’s wake, so it always screams, always responds, always makes noise of some sort… and always finds ways to please whoever may be listening. I am the energetic one, with the ever-changing voice.

disconnected

it hurts to see you standing there
holding on to someone other than me
i thought we were together
the closest, until the end
it hurts to feel your words
cut up my face, my hands
when all i've done is reach out
when i've done all i can
it hurts to look at you now
so unreceptive, so cold
i know you've got a lot going on
but so do i, so do i.

i've been where you are
i've done what you're doing
what will break this barrier
that's keeping you from me

it hurts to stand here without you
will you please come back
can we get through this
can we make it out alive

remember what friendship is
remember what love means
remember we both fall sometimes
remember that together we are the best

it hurts to feel shut out
i yearn for reconciliation
can you put aside the errors
and find love in this, for us?

remember.
-----------------------------------

I know some may say I'm being too hard on myself, but this is how I feel right now. I am the biggest disappointment. I cause strife and pain for the people I love the most. I constantly fail to meet your expectations. I fail to be the friend I should be. I make stupid mistakes that add up and look like one big ink blot that has bled over every centimeter of white on the page. I say too much, I don't say enough, I can't make enough time for you, but I make too much time for someone else. I do one thing right, but you have a problem with my happiness because it changed things and now we have to deal with the change. Things get difficult, and it ends up being Emily's fault and Emily's issue and Emily's mission to fix and overcome. The blame falls on me. You've disconnected yourself from me, but apparently it's my job to bridge the gap you've failed to make. It's all my fault things are falling apart. It always is. That's how I feel. Now it's time to write about my "voice" in an English paper and read my Drug Education book before falling asleep, if I can even do so with such a heavy heart. the end.

this doesn't even feel like a weekend

"Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the life
To my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
(Ahh Yeahhh)

You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
And you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Would you take me deeper, now

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything, everything..."--Lifehouse

Thank you, Lifehouse, for putting it beautifully and simply.

I've definitely renewed my love for their music, it even made it into my playlist to go to sleep to because their songs calm my soul.

After sitting in training early this morning for 4 hours, I have come to a joyful realization. I think my purpose this semester, though consisting of many things, will be found in my job as a tutor for America Reads/America Counts. Like Troy's message last Sunday morning at Cornerstone church, I am where I am because I'm going to be used to influence others for the Gospel, for the Kingdom of God. What better influence do I have on young, impressionable people than being a teacher, helper, listener, and supporter to them and to their education? The second I walk in that classroom, I'm going to be their hero probably just because they hear the word "college" and think WOW she's in COLLEGE.... and from there, I've got these little souls under my influence. I can really make a difference in somebody's life. Maybe this will be the time. Maybe this will be it!

<3

Did you know how you would move me? well, I don't really think so

It's amazing to me to step outside of myself now and see what a difference there is between living for God and living for yourself. Selfishness is a choice and it's always a struggle for me. But it's freeing to give yourself up completely to someone who won't ever disappoint or let you down, who won't ever stop loving you, who offers promises of hope and strength, who is with you at all times and knows you deeper than any human could possibly dig, and who made you and created you bearing their beautiful and perfect image. not bad, I guess.

I've re-entered a very dangerous world this week. It's dangerous for so many reasons. You could say it's dangerous because of its many temptations and lusts, or because of its potential abuse of freedom, its pressures and stresses, its filthiness. Because of its invincible attitude, its reckless behavior, its ever-increasing responsibility looming overhead, its financial burden, its false teachings, its endless escapes from reality, and its harsh reality.

But I think Jesus Christ is on this campus, and I think He's at work in every inch of it.

I'm so excited for Salt this year. I'm so excited to cook dinner at my sis's apartment this Sunday night.

I'm so not excited for training tomorrow (Friday) night and Saturday morning. I'm so scared to be a tutor to kindergarten-aged kids, or 3rd graders, or 5th graders- all looking at me and waiting to see how I act and what I say. I don't know how I'm going to balance my time, energy, and resources this semester. I'm being challenged already to fail like I did last semester, and I'm scared to fail again, because I know I'm better than that. I'm worried my illness will kick-start a fall, because it always does it seems. Every phone call, text or e-mail from my mom pleads with me to be taking care of myself, to do all that I can to stay healthy. and I am, but it's when things get out of my control that cause so many problems. I just trust that whatever happens, I can have enough strength to rise above it. I feel so much pressure, mostly from my own standards, to score high and impress and succeed and achieve.

All of these things fell so heavily on my heart last night, that tears just started pouring down my face and I sat face-down at my desk just feeling like a train wreck waiting to happen. Aubrey reminded me to listen to my own advice that I gave her just the other day, and to read the verses I gave her as well, which are encouraging and comforting. Nick came over and held me til I stopped crying, looked me in the eyes and told me I can do anything, and that he believes in me and why don't I? Eventually, everything started to not feel so heavy, and it got better from there. All I can do is take everything one by one, step by step down the road. And when I need a rest, I know I can cast my cares upon the Lord and renew my strength for a new day.

My English 305 class (Creative Non-Fiction Writing) is incredible already.
My Pol. S. 319 class (Law & Politics) is kicking my butt already.
aaaaaaand The End.
<3

Sophomore year at ISU begins

So many things to write about! So many!

I've been back in Ames for almost a week now, and today was the official first day of classes. Being a sophomore is different than being a freshman (imagine that). The second time around is different. And it's good, because I have some knowledge that helps me in adjusting back to the school routine and living here on my own once again. But I'm still feeling a little overwhelmed, just like last year. It's still a change. It's still an adjustment period. And this time I'm in my own room without a roommate, so I really am by myself, and this time my sister isn't living in the dorms with me, she's in her own apartment. It's just different. This time I have a boyfriend, and that's just a whole different category in and of itself, which I could discuss in length how good of an influence it is in my life right now.... but anyway, college.

I only had two classes today. Usually I will have 3 on Mondays, but I didn't have my Astronomy 120 recitation this week. Instead, I just had Psych 280- Social Psychology, and Poli Sci 319- Law & Politics. I have Psych with my friend Ben, which is very exciting, and I have a good feeling about the class overall. I think it will be very challenging though. I had an awesome lunch with Nick, Charles, Eric, Brian Smith, and his roommate, and 2 girls I met from Nick. We just laughed a lot and it was a nice break in my day from the heat and the humidity, and walking and sweating, and focusing on syllabuses. I can definitely say my Law and Politics class is going to be absolutely AMAZING. I could not be more excited to start learning about and reading the court cases and talking about them. My professor is this old, frail-looking woman with gray hair and a broken arm... but she is a freakin TOUGH cookie...umm, she's just very strong in her speech. She is very articulate and easy to listen to, even though what she says is very harsh and honest and intelligent. She had a nice schpiel (sp anyone?) on how none of us should give the slightest care as to what her politics are and whether she's liberal, conservative, whatever, that it doesn't matter and she plans it so that at the end of the semester we still will have no idea what her personal opinions are. I liked that. I hate when professors push their beliefs on their students just because they are in a position of authority. So anyway, I am WAY beyond excited for this class. And way scared, haha... it's gonna be my hardest class I think. I'll do my best, and that's all I can do!

Oh my gosh, Aubs and I had some time together tonight that I needed for SURE. It was so great being with her. I just needed my best friend. :)

THere's an awesome storm going on outside.

This is my focus right now:

"There are many plans in a man's heart, nevertheless the LORD'S counsel-- that will stand." -Proverbs 19:21

In my next post, I'll write more about what God's doing in my life and my thoughts on this past Sunday morning's sermon at Cornerstone Church (which was absolutely incredible!). Just incredible.

ok love you bye! <3

"cause I'm learning to breathe"

it's finally here. The day of getting everything ready because tomorrow I move back to ISU. ahhhhh, finally.

Yesterday was a really awesome day. Nick and I spent the entire day together pretty much, and in Ames. so that's like a double whammy.

We started out our adventure eating lunch at Subway in the jordan creek mall because he had to get a new cell phone plan, his step-mom Barb joined us and then we spent a lot of time in the verizon wireless store... a lot. hah. then we drove to Ames, and the drive there was like a breath of fresh air, it felt like I was going home. Traffic was kinda crazy at times, but we made it there in one piece. We parked in the Martin/Eaton lot, went up to his room and saw it, tried to set up his internet, had an awkward encounter with his roommate and his roommate's gf, and took the last couple of his things up to his room like the tv and his ladder. Then we walked around Friley and found our way over to my side, where I'll be living, and my CA was there so I got her to let me into my room to see it! It'll be a tight squeeze, but I get it all to myself... I'm pumped. The no air-conditioning is gonna be a killer though. But I got through it last year, I can do it again. Then we drove to Erin's apartment and hung out with her for a little bit. Nick and I decided we both want to move into our own apartments after seeing Erin's... seriously sign me up! We drove back to Friley, made another stop in Nick's room to get his guitar, and then we drove downtown to find Keeper's guitar shop so he could get his guitar fixed. Whenever we drove somewhere I pointed out where all the good stuff in Ames is... you know, Cafe Diem, Hy-vee, Target, Pancheros, Jimmy Johns, etc. After getting the guitar business all figured out, I drove Nick to Stomping Grounds :). I got a rootbeer, my favorite kind of rootbeer EVER is from Stomping Grounds and it felt so great to taste it again... and to be inside Stomping Grounds cause I just LOVE it there. Then we had to make another stop back in Friley because Nick forgot his wallet. I went down to the 2nd floor and saw my friends Steve and Brek's room, and I got really excited to see them in just a few days. I also ran into 2 people from the Helser gang- Renee and Mike! After Nick got his wallet, he took me out to dinner at Hickory Park (my first time EVER) for my birthday dinner :). It was AMAZING. I got this Hickory barbecue chicken, with a salad and fries, and then we split a chocolate chip sundae and had the servers sing happy birthday to me. haha. Dinner was fabulous. Good conversation. Good food. what else is there? Afterwards we drove back to Friley, and I finally ran into Nick Howard, who is Nick's CA and a good friend of mine from Salt Co.! We chatted for a little while. It was so nice to see him! Then Nick and I watched tv, X-Men 2 was on and I had never seen it so that was pretty exciting. He has no seating in his room because there's seriously no room for anything, so we laid on the floor it was really cute haha.

That was pretty much my day! Today I'm going to be busy getting all of my crap ready to take to Ames tomorrow... woooo!! lataz. <3

it's my birthday!!!!!!!!

so far today....

Nick was the first person to wish me a happy birthday, he kept checking his phone for the time and right when it turned midnight he came over to me, gave me a hug and said happy birthday.

Michelle, Caleb, Bobby and Kathleen were among the first to wish me happy birthday as well, as I was with them all at Michelle's house right when midnight struck.

I got a birthday text from Kayla

Every time I check my facebook, I have more birthday wishes

I woke up and walked upstairs to behold a brand new, beautiful, black and silver bike that my parents got me! I've wanted a bike for so long and especially to have one in Ames, I'm so excited.

Tommy Ogden just called me personally to wish me happy birthday

Aubrey texted me happy birthday and is getting home tonight :)

and it's only 2 oclock in the afternoon.
I feel so special <3<3<3

"From the inside out, Lord my soul cries out..."

If anybody would ask, I'd tell them that I had an amazing day today. I really did. It started out being a lot less than amazing, but then it turned out to be amazing.

Almost immediately after thinking and writing about how much I want to just sit and talk about important things, things that matter in life and are worth talking about, I received a phone call from my friend Lindsey to join her at Panera for food and good conversation. I was amazed. We talked about so many things... all of the stuff going on in our lives that is truly affecting us and truly important right now. I love those one-on-one talks, and I loved this one because I could see Lindsey's heart through all that she was saying. And there's something special about not just connecting on an intellectual level, or an emotional level, or just any kind of relational level in general- but a spiritual connection in conversation. It makes God that much more real to me, when I get to see His work through the communications that go on between me and my friends. I'm going to be a sophomore in college, and Lindsey will be a senior in high school, but her maturity really shone through when I was sitting there with her. And it made me feel good, because growth is good and change is good... and when I see people I love dearly growing in their walk with the Lord, it makes me feel unified with them and whole inside.

After driving to Trop Sno with her, briefly saying hi to Zach and James, I drove to Barnes & Noble and bought 5 amazing books that I cannot wait to read this year:
1. Mere Christianity -C.S. Lewis
2. Sex God -Rob Bell
3. Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance -Robert M. Pirsig
4. The Bell Jar -Sylvia Plath
5. Brand New World -Aldous Huxley
6. and, the 3rd Harry Potter movie soundtrack (i'm pushing up my glasses as I type this...)

so that was amazing for me. Ugh, I love books.

Then Immersion tonight..... was awesome. I can't remember the last time I prayed that much, and for so many people, and so thoroughly, and deeply. And when we sang, "From The Inside Out," I totally forgot that I was in a room full of other people- it was just me and God, child and Father. I released so much, and gave, and took, and received... I haven't felt this whole in a long, long time. So one with the One who made me. It's amazing.

It was our last after-party at Scott's house. Our Thursday night ritual has come to an end as we all go our own ways for the school year, some of us clustered at Iowa State and U of Iowa, some at UNI, some in Missouri, some in Ohio... we're all heading off somewhere. I'm so glad I got to know everyone I didn't know until this summer, like Nick and Scott and Michelle. It's amazing how God brings such great people into your life. I love thinking about that. I, for one, will surely miss our Mac 'n Tea nights at Scott's after Immersion. :(

It's just been an amazing day after all of that. Nothing to complain about. Not even Zach slapping me in the eye numerous times.

Hey. I turn 19 in one day! :)
<3 the end

"...then ask me what it's like to have my self so figured out. wish I knew."

This is one of those days, or, rather... one of those WEEKS, where all I want to do is sit somewhere and drink coffee, or tea, all day long (forget food!). And watch the weather, and think about life, and talk about the things that really matter. I feel like I'm spinning.

I wish I were in Paris, or Rome, or Florence... sitting in a quaint cafe, discussing the beauty of the city and art and favorite poets and authors. I could sit on a dock overlooking the sea and write about people as they walk by and somehow write an amazing piece that links humanity with beautiful metaphors like gardens and the ocean, just from my observations, and learn about life and teach others about it.

If I were moved back into my dorm at ISU, I would have my room dimly lit with soft background music playing (Brand New, "Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't"). I'd be bumming around in my blue wangsta (gangsta + wigger) warm-up pants, a large valley soccer sweatshirt from many years ago, big fluffy slippers, and I'd be typing this from my spot on my futon as a storm brews and blows against my window facing Lincoln Way, making me feel safe and warm.

I'm spinning. There's an orbit in my head, and I'm riding the line in-between planet carefree fun and planet responsible reality. The latter is much bigger, scarier, and closer. But I'm excited, oh so excited for what is to come. I have no fear. Just promises of living for something real, something more than just this world.

Does anyone really know what they want to be? Am I not already who I am going to be, because I am being right now? Am I not this person that lives every day out- will I not be this person someday later on because I attended a 4-year university and have accreditation to my name that I don't have just yet? I know not my course, but Somebody does. That's all I care about.

And to end this entirely strange collection of thoughts...

"Oh we're so c-c-c-controversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth.
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down,
This is the way you wish your voice sounds,
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue’s the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
And it’s all from watching TV,
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn’t stop if I could.
Oh, it hurts to be this good.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh, it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
Oh, so let it go."
--Brand New

Lots of Love <3>

"...my soul has never had this feeling, and it feels like gold"

I'm just EXCITED to get back to school!
To give you a picture of what I mean...
When I'm just sitting at home, I probably walk downstairs to my basement at the least 5 times a day just to walk by and get a glimpse of all my bins and things that will finally be transferred to my new room in Friley in just a little over one week. I can't wait to get out of here. Here. It's abstract. I can't wait to get out of this place- not a specific place, just this place that I'm in right here, right now. I can't wait to be somewhere new again, to change. I can't wait to pack up the last few things in my room here in my parent's house, and just fly the coop. I get a sick feeling in my stomach just thinking about it, about all the anxiety and all the feelings swirling around because I'm looking forward to it so much and I don't think the move can come soon enough! Some moments I'm overwhelmed because it seems like there's so much more I have to do and things I have to accomplish and tasks I must finish before I move back in to college next Wednesday, but other moments I'm just dying to be there RIGHT this second and it seems like time is moving so slowly ughhhhh. You know? To be honest, I'm not eating that much. and I think it's because I'm SO eager and SO anxious and SOOO looking forward to next week that I can't find the appetite inside of me to eat food.... seriously. I eat maybe one and a half meals per day. ahh.

I'm excited for so many different reasons:

-seeing and reuniting with friends I made last year, all of the Helser gang, eating meals with Mel, Brek and Steve, tennis with Andrew, mountain dew drinking aplenty with Pitz and Andrew, Mario Party/Mario Kart with everyone, Disney movies with Bryce.
-being a sophomore, having some experience (some).
-being up in Ames with Aubrey (together again!), Caely, Natalie, James, and Nick :)
-having my sister's apartment to go to
-having my own room, hopefully being able to deal with my disease and sickness more easily
-changing my major
-being involved in the Salt Co., Thursday nights!!!
-weekends out at parties, still not drinking.
-Fat Night!!!!
-more new people I will meet, from my new House and dorm and stuff
-being away from mom and dad's problems
-the freedom, of course
-just being back in a place that is now a real home to me!
---------------------------------------------------
I was doing a devotional yesterday afternoon after I opened at Trop Sno, and I read from this book called Promises, Promises, Promises. It takes verses from The Message version of the Bible and has them categorized in every life situation you can imagine being in, and all it does is encourage and fill you up with the promises of God's Word. It's all so simple and easy to understand too, just black and white, and I like that. Anywayyyy, so these are kind of some main things I was pondering and praying about and writing about:

~Colossians 3:16-17... 'Let the Word of Christ - the Message - have the run of the house. Give it plenty of room in your lives. And sing, sing your hearts out to God! Let every detail in your lives - words, actions, whatever - be done in the name of the Master, Jesus, thanking God the Father every step of the way.'

~on ANGER... 'A gentle response defuses anger, but a sharp tongue kindles a temper-fire.' --Proverbs 15:1

~'Don't hang out with angry people; don't keep company with hotheads. Bad temper is contagious- don't get infected.' --Proverbs 22:24-25

~on BELIEF... 'Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute.' --1 Corinthians 16:13

~relating to Justin's talk last Thursday at Immersion... James 2:14-17... essentially: 'God-talk without God-acts is outrageous nonsense!' (like the shell of a locust...... get the connection?)

~Dimensions of good character:
Spiritual understanding, alert discipline, passionate patience, reverent wonder, warm friendliness, generous love..... develop and build on these.
----------------------------------------------------

I'm learning how to be content with what God gives me. The end! <3