"I try to be delicate... then crash right into it."

If you were the most difficult person to love in this entire world with more problems than the worst i could ever imagine- i KNOW that i would do ANYTHING to help you and NEVER stop loving you. I don't know much about life, but I do know that I would keep loving you and never run out, never run dry inside.

People hit rock bottom in many different ways. From one perspective, someone else's idea of rock bottom may seem like actually being far from the bottom, from the pit. but for them, it's rock bottom. for you, rock bottom is something else. everybody hits rock bottom sometimes. you may not even know it, or it may be totally obvious.

If I thought about it... I guess the hardest person for me to love would be someone like Hitler or Charles Manson or some other famous person that brought devastation and murder and pain to humanity to some extent. But I can sit here and say in my heart and mean it-- I love them. I still love them. They were still human beings just like you and me- they had lives, they had problems, they had goals and aspirations, they were hurt, they might have been in love- whatever... they were humans. They experienced something that me being another human being can relate to in SOME way. And in no way do I condone what they did as being right and ok and tolerable, but I still love them. So how can I find it so hard to love the people that are my friends that I have great affection for and want to see happy and enjoying their lives, how can it be so hard? Exactly- it's not hard. No matter what problems I may have or had with you, it could be the worst problem EVER, but I still love you just the same. THE END- period.

What's your philosophy on love?

Did something happen in your life that changed it? Drastically, even? Were you one way a year ago and a completely different way right now? Were you let down? Were you hurt? Were you heartbroken? Did somebody gain your trust then throw it in your face and betray you? All of the above? At least one of the above? Whatever it may be for you, it's a shame to let the happenings of life tear down the meaning of love for you. No matter how many people break my heart, no matter how many people walk out on me that I poured myself into and gave everything to- I will NEVER stop loving, caring, feeling. I want to sometimes just because I get worn down from things just like everybody else- but at the end of the day... I can't imagine living without loving the way that I do, so unconditionally and exceptionally.

Am I the only person that thinks like this? That loves like this? Cause right now I feel like I am and it's the most depressing thing to ever realize. Especially when the one person you want to love you the most, can't. because they let something in the past alter their philosophy of love so much, they think it can't ever be the same (or more, BETTER) again. Shame. Damn shame. Breaks my heart.

Undeniable

These passages mean so much to me right now:

"Therefore let those who suffer according to the will of God commit their souls to Him in doing good, as to a faithful Creator." 1 Peter 4:19

"Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter." 1 Peter 4:16

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you." 1 Peter 5:8-10

"For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God." 1 Peter 2:20


God is so mighty and worthy of our praise. Through the good and the bad, He is faithful always. My purpose is so clear and so simple- to live according to God's will, to bring glory to Him in everything I do, to spread the gospel to those who do not know Him yet, to worship, love, and follow the Lord with all of my heart- chasing after Him with all that I've got.
<3 He is holy.

go see The Bucket List it's SO SO SO good!!!!!!

Great things that happened today:

-saw the movie The Bucket List with Aubrey, James and Zach
-Aubs came over and we talked forever like old times
-We ate together at the udcc... I had 2 chocolate brownies and a bowl of ice cream!
-Brek and Steve saw us and sat down at our table and ate with us.. totally love 'em
-Duke played the NC tar heels in basketball tonight
-I found out Mac watches Curious George the cartoon on tv AND Arthur...who KNEW?!
-my best friend came back to me, and it makes me so happy
-today was Day 2 of living a renewed life in Christ
-Discovered that Aubrey has the new single by Miley Cyrus... we're obsessed with it.
-I felt so, so loved
-I made my mom cry tears of joy

Not so great things that happened today:
-unrequited love.....story of my life it seems.
-I already miss him.

The End!

"for all that we knew, you were safe home"

why did he scribe his name on my heart
when he looks at me i see crystal stars
he pulls me in and i'm twirling in the clouds
weightless i'm spinning tirelessly in his arms

why did he scribe his name on my heart
he looks my way and i freeze to stop the tears
he sits across the table and i'm in another world
pained i try not to forget to keep breathing

why did he scribe his name on my heart
his eyes are dancing erupting with life
he moves with the music conducting his soul
why won't he reach out and take my hand

why did he scribe his name on my heart
my eyes scream to behold his angelic face
i find it hard to move when he walks in the room
no matter how much he tries to stay away
my heart is scribed with his precious name
and it does not want anyone but him.

friendship at its best

I get great joy from observing friendship at its best with all kinds of people. I love the variety of friends I am blessed to know. I love seeing people exemplify the kind of love that comes from friendship that makes me think of how Jesus treated people. I love knowing that I have treated my friends the way that Jesus teaches us to treat people. But lately, with all the circumstances that have come up in my life, I've been the one on the receiving end of such wonderful treatment by friends. I get such warmth in my heart when I think about the actions of the people that I have come to know as great friends, but have not known as long as other friends. They are "newer" friends, but they are just as important and special to me. I just have more memories and even MORE closeness with my older friends.

It makes me feel good inside, thinking about Mel dropping everything she was doing and walking in the snow storm all the way to Campus Ave to get her car and take me to the hospital when I couldn't move nor walk yesterday.....wheeling me around in a wheelchair all over the hospital and helping me get dressed after my MRI (i was still temporarily paralyzed).......Her text that awoke me this morning saying that she was thinking about me and she loves me and hopes I feel better.....Steve and Brek, being at my side when i became numb again and making sure i didnt pass out..... Brek carrying me out to Mel's car, Steve on his crutches holding my purse.....the two of them checking up on me later and letting me sleep in their room to make sure nothing happened to me in the middle of the night and that I wasn't alone during this scary time in my life..... Steve texting me a few hours after I woke up asking me how I was doing and if I was ok....

All these little things that friends do (those are just a few examples fresh on my mind, so many others have come to my aid and done tons for me) and so often they go unnoticed by our human eyes- but they are of heavenly worth... I see Christ in them, even if they don't know themselves that's who they are exemplifying. I love my friends so much and could not get through this stuff without them.

"take a sad song and make it better"

I'm just going to be super honest....... I am scared out of my FRICKIN' mind for starting this spring semester. So many things I wish I could know before diving in. I wish I could know if I'm going to get hit with kidney problems and other sickness issues some point during the semester. I wish I could be prepared for whatever ends up happening. I wish I could know what my heart really needs and wants. I wish I could know if he still wants me. I wish I could know how I'm going to deal with temptation to resort back to old habits when the temptation arises. But the thing is, we are never prepared for anything really. Everything is unknown. And everything is scary. That's just human nature though, to be afraid of the unknown. The thing that sets me apart is that my fear is expelled because of God's perfect love. I can't make the reference... but it says somewhere in the Bible that "perfect love expels all fear." That's really powerful.

I'm seeing that all I can do to "prepare" for whatever may come my way, is to equip myself with the Armor of God explained in Ephesians 6, and to just have faith in my Creator.

Job said in Job 2:10, "Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?" And these past few months for me have been all about learning the truth of that in my own reality.

My mom had lunch with me today on her break at Jason's Deli, and first of all it was amazing to have real food and have an appetite for it for the first time in 3 weeks WOOO!!!! um, but second of all, my mom asked me how I was feeling about going back to school right now, and I expressed how nervous and scared I am. She cares so much about me and just started encouraging me and telling me, "Em you can do it, you know you can," and all sorts of things to lift my spirits. I appreciate my mom so much. For all her faults, she makes up for it with all her love and encouragement.

Now I end with a beautiful song:

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude refrain
don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na na na
na na na na

Hey Jude don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
then you can start to make it better."
--The Beatles
<3

merry Christmas

"So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The Only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..."
-taylor swift

"take these broken wings and learn to fly"

It's been a different kind of Thanksgiving Break for me this fall. Although the circumstances around me have changed, being thankful stays the same. I'm still extremely thankful for the life I have and the people in it. I'm so thankful for my God looking out for me and never leaving me alone during a time of great need and also during times of no particular need at all. I'm so grateful for His love, always flowing down to me, always being revealed to me in the people who care about me.

I can't lie- this has been a really hard day. It's been very depressing. I have to try with every fiber in my body to not let it get me down. I feel trapped in this house, suffocating from the tension and the restraint and the suppressed emotions that just want to burst out of me. I look outside and watch the snow blow around and settle down into the thick blanket of white freezing the ground and killing the plants underneath it. And it makes me think of the reality going on around me right now. Family hasn't been my definition of family for 5 or 6 years, but this time the meaning of family really isn't from my own "nuclear family" at all. If my "nuclear family unit" or whatever you like to call it, were the only sense of family I knew, I certainly wouldn't be the warm, friendly, loving person that I am right now. The portrait of the family has changed over time for me. Family in the sense that I know and love, comes from my "family" of friends that I am so blessed to have. The people that cook fettucini alfredo or macaroni n cheese and sit around watching The Office and drinking tea, that's my family. The people that I laugh with after a good "That's what she said" joke. The people that make me warm and happy on the inside, the ones that, no matter what I may be going through, can make me smile and feel good. THAT'S my family. The ones that I know are praying for me, are thinking about me, are caring about me by just one look into their eyes or one hug into their open arms. I love my family.

You know you have it good when you can sit and literally DO nothing, but feel in your heart a happiness and a joy just to be in the presence of people who reciprocate love and friendship. I have it better than most, I'd say.

It's hard to have this sudden (it may not seem sudden, but it feels that way to me) void in my heart, where I'm just very AWARE that I don't have a real family to go home to... not the kind of family that all my other friends talk about when they are getting ready to leave college for break to go back home to and celebrate a holiday with. But that's what it is, it's a void. It's this empty, blank spot in my heart. But it gets filled up in various ways.... like, Tuesday night when I drove out to Nick's dad's house and watched random tv shows with Nick and his dad, and then when his sisters and stepmom got home they were all there too. It felt like a family. Just sitting there on the couch, watching The Office and Dancing With The Stars, sipping hot cocoa and listening to Barb try to help Nick's little sister Megan with her school project. THe fire place was on. It was warm. It made me happy to see a real family and be around it for a while. That fills my void for the time being. Last night when Nick, Sam, Michelle, Scott, Caleb and I went to Immersion... that did it too. Looking down the row we filled, I felt like I was with my family. Then afterwards, we all went back to Scott's and went on an adventure to make the perfect dinner by getting a bunch of food at Wal-mart... we made fettucini alfredo with chicken, and had apple pie and pumpkin pie with ice cream for desert. Nick and Scott played the piano and me and Michelle sang and hummed, Scott and I "broke into" the Laugerman's house (don't worry James... Stevie gave me permission) to get all of Scott's food that he left over there, and everyone laughed when they found out the cd that is stuck in my now BROKEN cd player is The Freedom Project and it's the only music I can listen to while in my car except for crappy radio stations.

I guess The Beatles got it right when they wrote, "oh I get by with a little help from my friends."
-------------------------------------------

It's uncomfortable here
frozen hearts grow mute
the lights are on but we can't see
the music plays but it's just a dream
cause nothing really works the way it should
when everything that's real is broken.

unity

I could lay with you forever
just to never live a moment
without you by my side

I could sing with all my lungs
if only you would sing with me
and our voices become one

I could fall asleep in your arms
as long as you want me to
please say you want me to

may we remain side by side
may our voices unify
may we sleep until the world ends

as long as I'm with you.

scream until the microphones are gone...

I am loved.

I am taking this one day at a time.

God is in the people who take care of me.

He has not abandoned me.

I am not alone.

I am loved.

"You can get all the love that you need once you give it away." -Mae

Well. I'm sitting here in my room, on my futon cushion on my floor (because the actual futon broke), listening to the amazing voice of Hayley Williams from Paramore and the sounds of the rain outside. I just finished my last sip of hot tea in my favorite mug- yellow and white, from Starbucks, with a cute little stamp picture of a brew. My throat started hurting today, and tonight it is just hurting worse and worse... I'm hoping the tea shall remedy temporarily. I've gotten really lucky with my allergies and being back here at ISU this year, because last year... oh man... it was absolute misery. But, still. When allergies hit at all, they hit all the same.

I went over to Aubrey's this afternoon, and we finally talked about what's been going on for the past two weeks. Oh my gosh it was so good to just TALK. Ugh. Everything is ok now, everything turned out to be just misconstrued and it got dragged out into this big thing that wasn't a big thing at all. I needed to hear her side, I needed my best friend to tell me things that I can't see about myself sometimes. After we talked, everything seemed so clear and obvious, like it all made sense and of course things got messed up for a while there. I'm just so glad that burden is off my shoulders now!

I just feel like pieces of my life that were sharp and detached are now coming back together with a new smoothness to them. It makes me feel so good inside, like all the pain and strife is worth it to get to this point.

In my Creative-Nonfiction writing class today, we were put into small groups and given an exercise that had to do with writing metaphors. Each group was given a sort of common abstract idea, and we had to come up with metaphors for what that abstraction smells like, how it looks, and how it sounds. Out of all of the words, my group was assigned 'love'. Oh, goodness. Here we go. I began thinking wow, this is so easy for me, I write about love all the time and think about it all the time too- all of the different kinds of love, not just romantic. But we had to do it collectively with the other members of our group. So we started talking about what to put, and that's when it got messy. It was so strange to me for some reason. My group had SUCH a difficult time coming up with the sounds, smells, and sights for love. And, I realized it towards the end of class, that it was so difficult because love means so many different things to every person. People base it off of experience, or lack of experience so maybe from what they have seen in movies, or read about, or dreamed about. People personalize the word love by how it has affected them, their definition comes from their stories, their home-life, the way they were raised, the people they have experienced in their lives. It was actually frustrating, kind of. The guy in my group, Nate, kept trying to get us to use "Love sounds like the thunder of an approaching storm"... and that just didn't make sense to me, because love doesn't give me that sound when I think about it... at all. The best I came up with was that it sounds like glass shattering because of the pain that comes from love, or maybe it sounds like rain falling- soft, beautiful and unstoppable. The only thing we all agreed on was that love smells like a hot cup of coffee on a cold winter's night. Because love brings warmth to to the soul, and it can comfort. The other girl in my group, Heather, kept saying that all of her metaphors have to do with bad relationships because of her past experiences, so nothing she said really connected with me. Love is so sacred to me, I understand that pain and heartache comes from love and there is an ugly side to the beautiful side of love, but overall love is amazing and should be considered to be dream-like, surreal, and the best thing to ever happen to a person. I dunno, it's just how I think of it. For the "looks like", I did- Love looks like sunshine streaming through your bedroom window, gently waking you for a new, precious day. I dunno. There are so many dynamics of love, maybe my perspective right now is just very happy and cozy and positive and that's why I had a hard time with this exercise. The whole thing was just very weird to me the entire time, and I had to restrain myself at times from exclaiming- What are you people saying!? this is LOVE we're talking about!!

well, I think I'm going to try to fall asleep soon here.... <3

you make this all worthwhile... you get better by the mile.

yeah and the truth is, I would do anything for you. I would go through the worst pain. I would hurt and hurt and hurt. I would suffer. I would do it all. You're more important than my own life, because you're my friend, and I mean that in the deepest way you can mean it. And you can say what you want to me, you can push me around, beat my heart up a little. I love you the same if you do it and if you don't. That's why it's so hard right now. Maybe other people just don't understand the depth of love in my heart for you. It can outlast the pettiest of fights, the longest freeze-outs, the most painful exchange of words. If there was only one drink of water left and we were both dehydrated, you get the drink. No matter what circumstances surround us, all I think about is how much I love you and how I would do anything for us to be ok again. Right and wrong aren't in the issue. Let me explain that. You can be wrong, but I'm still going to be by your side and I'm still going to jump in front of bullets for you. I know you're going through stuff. I know what you're going through. I know you're slipping a little. I know you're not being yourself because you're learning how to deal with all of this change, and it affects how you treat the people closest to you, like me. I know these things. I know. I was angry at first. Now I'm just tired of being separated from you, even though I've cried at least 3 times on your account this week. You've hurt my heart so much, but I know things are going to be ok. I just love you and love your friendship. No questions asked.

love.

the greatest of these is love
the most painful of these is love
dost love not trap us all
dost love not hold us captive
love's seasons change faster than autumn's leaves
love's strings strain harder than tendons to bones
love hath power to destroy us in one breath
love hath mystery to entice us in one kiss
dost love not keep us apart
dost love not push further away
thy flame burns out and will fade
thou art a spark waiting to evade
thy garden dries up and dies
thou art a weed twisting in lies
I bid thee love to be fairest of them all
I admit thee love to be scariest of them all
thou art far easiest to enthrall
thou art thy lover's worst fall.

it's my birthday!!!!!!!!

so far today....

Nick was the first person to wish me a happy birthday, he kept checking his phone for the time and right when it turned midnight he came over to me, gave me a hug and said happy birthday.

Michelle, Caleb, Bobby and Kathleen were among the first to wish me happy birthday as well, as I was with them all at Michelle's house right when midnight struck.

I got a birthday text from Kayla

Every time I check my facebook, I have more birthday wishes

I woke up and walked upstairs to behold a brand new, beautiful, black and silver bike that my parents got me! I've wanted a bike for so long and especially to have one in Ames, I'm so excited.

Tommy Ogden just called me personally to wish me happy birthday

Aubrey texted me happy birthday and is getting home tonight :)

and it's only 2 oclock in the afternoon.
I feel so special <3<3<3

"you mean more to me than I could ever tell, so sorry that I'm taken aback, but I just can't help it!"

Here are some things from this past week:

Zach and I were working the night shift at Trop Sno, and we found ourselves with some time to kill. Hmm what could we do? Well...... we could take shots of straight flavor from the bottles? yes, let's do that. Zach took a shot of cinnamon, then we decided to pick a flavor for each other to do next. Of course I picked Cantaloupe for him, and he made me do Papaya. SICK!!!!! Then we picked for each other again, so I made him do Honeydew Melon, and he made me do Pink Grapefruit. Agh, blah, ew, uggh, yechhh. He said the Honeydew Melon was the worst, and for me it was definitely Pink Grapefruit... it burned our throats and actually made me feel kind of sick, the sourness was overwhelming and lasted long after I swallowed. But NOTHING compared to the ridiculous thing that James, Zach and myself decided to partake in next....... yes, we each took a shot of the Chocolate flavor. You may be thinking to yourself- chocolate? chocolate is good! yes, my friends, NORMAL chocolate is great. this chocolate though, mixed with shaved ice, tastes much like a nasty, old, tootsie roll combined with a turd for good measure. but the straight shot? it was like death moving down my throat. UGH!!!!! it was the nastiest thing ever, for sure. But it was funny.

Aubrey and I went 3 whole days without really talking about stuff and hanging out..... worst 3 days of my life probably, haha, no but seriously. It's ridiculous because it was only 3 days, but with it being summer you have to understand that we seriously are with each other every day.. and plus I had some very important life occurrences to inform her on, and waiting 3 days to do so was murder for us both!! So Aubs, her momma Karin, my momma and myself went out to lunch yesterday at Z'Mariks and finally reconnected :).

Immersion was good. It was centered on the isolation of groups of people and how we let our fear, pride, and apathy get in the way of reaching out and fulfilling our need to be unified as a community and to have friends, which is the way God made us to be. I'm finding more and more that I really love the style of worship music they do at Lutheran Church of Hope, it just fits me.

A certain somebody and I had a Harry Potter movie night last Tuesday, and it was one of the best nights of the summer for SURE! :) I couldn't be happier.

So... people from my church have been bringing my family meals, and seriously every time the person leaves after bringing something over I cry. I'm so grateful for people who reach out to my family, especially for my mom and my dad, and help us in these troubled times. The extent of my gratitude is inexpressible. I'm literally tearing up as I type this, just thinking about it.

My friends Mitch, Zach, and Josh came over Wednesday afternoon and spent an hour in the hot sun cleaning out our disgusting, dirty, nasty hottub that has needed to be cleaned for over 2 months I think... my dad couldn't do it because of his broken arm, then the hospital thing happened and it was just always there waiting to be done but it never got done, so my mom asked the boys to come over and do it. THey worked so hard and it smelled absolutely terrible, but they made it completely spotless and gorgeous. I cried a little in the car on the way to working at Trop after they did it, because my friends are so amazing and I take them for granted all the time. I love them so much.

I've almost completed reading a really sweet book, so I'll write about it probably in my next post. Lataaaa.
<3

"Jesus, Jesus, there's something about Your name... Master, Savior, Jesus."

"Does not wisdom cry out,
And understanding lift up her voice?
She takes her stand on the top of the high hill,
Beside the way, where the paths meet.
She cries out by the gates, at the entry of the city,
At the entrance of the doors:
'To you, O men, I call,
And my voice is to the sons of men.
O you simple ones, understand prudence.
And you fools, be of an understanding heart.
Listen, for I will speak of excellent things,
And from the opening of my lips will come right things;
For my mouth will speak truth;
Wickedness is an abomination to my lips.
All the words of my mouth are with righteousness;
Nothing crooked or perverse is in them.
They are all plain to him who understands,
And right to those wo find knowledge.
Receive my instruction, and not silver,
And knowledge rather than choice gold;
For wisdom is better than rubies,
And all the things one may desire cannot be compared with her.'"
-Proverbs 8:1-11

"It's true I failed, but Your love covers me."

Today I awoke to a surge of creativity inside of me. The artistic vibe flourished and I found myself painting on my deck, listening to The Almost.

This lyric: "It's true I failed, but Your love covers me"
was the inspiration for my painting. This is how I would explain it more...

dirtiness of sin in our lives
we fail all the time
we're constantly sinning
but that is not the end
no, God gives us
new beginnings
hope for life
His sacrificial love
covers every mistake
wiping us clean of all the
dirt, grime, and ugliness
making us white as snow
His blood covers us
His love saves us

He LOVES us!
<3

So I felt those words and I turned them into colors. It's a more simple, abstract piece. Not much technique nor compositon considered, but emotion and color dominate the overall look... and a little bit of movement. I have limited supplies too, so, that kind of stinks. It took many layers to finally feel right to me, and I kept adding washes on top to polish it off. It's nothing amazing, but I like it. It'll do for now. I've been walking around my empty house singing worship songs out loud to God, well at least I hope no one was around because I'd be a little embarrassed... but uhh, I'm really focused on God today, and I feel good about that.

Love, Emily.

"hey there delilah, i've got so much left to say, if every simple song i wrote to you would take your breath away, i'd write it all..."

ok, so, last night was the coolest night of my life. Wanna know why it was so cool? Because Scott had a Tea Party, and so we sat around and watched The Office while drinking all kinds of teas for about 3 hours. I believe I had four mugs of Vanilla Almond flavored tea, and I even got Aubrey (who is not a tea drinker at all) to get addicted to it and have like 3 cups. We also watched the most random show on earth, called Stella, and I about died from how much I laughed at it. There were a ton of people who showed up too, let's see if I can get everyone... Scott, Aubrey, Zach, Sam, Michelle, Josh, Steve S., Kayla, Mitch, Bryan, Linds, JR, Rob, Pete, Sarah, Mike, Kate, Nick, aaaaand of course myself. Goodness! So anyway, it was tons of fun, and I woke up today craving some vanilla almond!

Here is something that I love: finishing my shower, walking into my room to see Aubrey asleep on my bed and listening to my Lord of the Rings soundtrack. seriously how cute is that, I just loveeee her.

I am working on my pride, and today was a great opportunity for me to do so. Aubs and I got in a little fight, and both of us sat inside Tropical Sno saying nothing to each other and sitting there awkwardly fuming, poor Zach had to be there throughout the tension-filled 15 minutes or so, and then I put my pride aside and told her I was sorry for getting so angry, and then she told me she was sorry for coming off as a jerk and explained what she really meant by her comment, and then we hugged and it was over. So it's little things like that that are helping me cut down my pride, so hopefully I can get better and better.

Tonight we are going to light off a bunch of Stevie's fireworks and go crazy, woooo!!!

So this is my favorite song at the moment... just look at these lyrics:

Hey there Delilah,
What’s it like in New York City?
I’m a thousand miles away,
But girl tonight you look so pretty,
Yes you do,
Time Square can’t shine as bright as you,
I swear it’s true.

Hey there Delilah,
Don’t you worry about the distance,
I’m right there if you get lonely,
Give this song another listen,
Close your eyes,
Listen to my voice it’s my disguise,
I’m by your side.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
What you do to me.

Hey there Delilah,
I know times are getting hard,
But just believe me girl some day,
I'll pay the bills with this guitar,
We'll have it good,
We'll have the life we knew we would,
My word is good.

Hey there Delilah,
I’ve got so much left to say,
If every simple song I wrote to you,
Would take your breath away,
I’d write it all,
Even more in love with me you’d fall,
We’d have it all.

Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me,
Oh it’s what you do to me.

A thousand miles seems pretty far,
But they’ve got planes and trains and cars,
I’d walk to you if I had no other way,
Our friends would all make fun of us,
And we'll just laugh along because,
We know that none of them have felt this way,
Delilah I can promise you,
That by the time that we get through,
The world will never ever be the same,
And you’re to blame.

Hey there Delilah you be good,
And don’t you miss me,
Two more years and you’ll be done with school,
And I'll be making history,
Like I do,
You’ll know it's all because of you,
We can do whatever we want to,
Hey there Delilah here's to you,
This one’s for you.
--Plain White T's
<3

I wrote these words cause I love you!

AHHHHHH! new favorite song!!!! get ready for a long post.

"This One Is For You" by The Wedding.

you got to get, get over yourself a little
to see the grass is green
you got to get, get over yourself a little
to see the grass is green

you make this all worthwhile
you get better by the mile
even when it tears you apart
you do your best not to show it

it's me that you can do without
but you choose to stick it out
and without you there is no doubt
i would break under the burden

just try love

and i am so self-involved
yeah i am so typical
you could call my every move now baby

but you're a mid summer's dream
yeah you are so pristine
and in the end everything you do
is just for me

just try love
why do you even bother with me
please, tell me what it is you see
just try love
why do you even bother with me

and it's the least I could do
after what we've been through
I wrote these words CAUSE I LOVE YOU
only you!

just try love.

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The art of music can have my affects. Typically, when I find myself playing a song over and over again driving in my car, getting ready in my room after I wake up, or before I go to bed at night... it has consistent components. First, it makes me feel something when I listen to it. The way this affects me is dependent upon my mood at the time I hear it. Second, it makes me think about how I relate to the lyrics of the song. Not only am I emotionally tied to the music now, but I am psychologically tied as well. Once that happens, I usually begin thinking about lots of other things that branch off of that main scope of thoughts. It's kinda crazy. Third, it makes me want to write out what the lyrics say. This is kind of unique to me because of my love for writing. I love writing things that are important to me so that they are documented. It makes me feel like they are more set in stone, more real almost, permanent. Usually this action of writing leads to other artistic intentions, I start drawing and doodling and coloring... writing out the words in funky letters, moving on from there until I am satisfied. Lastly, I write about them. and that's kind of where I'm at right now. I definitely don't fulfill all of these parts every time I discover how much I love a certain song... sometimes I can't get to the third or fourth parts, maybe because of time restraints, or other hindrances, or sometimes I just can't put into words what I want to say- very typical. hate it. but, it happens. what can you do.

This song makes me think of all my friends who surround themselves around me and associate with me time and time again, after all that I've put them through just being who I am- a person who makes mistakes ALL the time, a person who doesn't always think with her head and with logic, a person who can explode sometimes, a person who falls, a sinner.

I'm so prideful, I have to be reminded over and over again to GET OVER MYSELF, like the lyrics say. I grew up being the baby of the family, always being spoiled and given special treatments for being the youngest. I have taken leaps and bounds to overcome the effects of being a spoiled person, but I feel there are so many more leaps to go. I love attention, I love having the spotlight on me. For most of my life I just wanted to be famous- my dream was to be a famous singer and dancer, like Selena. I wanted to perform and I wanted people to watch me and love my performance and look at me and go, wow she is so talented. I have let go of that performer dream, long ago it seems, but I am still a performer in my daily life. I am still that girl who loves the spotlight. I wouldn't say I live for it, but I sure do love it.

I'm selfish. We're all pretty selfish. I found that when I stop reading my Bible and being fed by the Word of God consistently, I grow more and more selfish. This is not good for anyone. I am trying so hard to think of others before myself, on everything. I love my friends and family and because I care for them so much I have always tried to think of them above myself, but lately I felt like I fell away from that. I'm reading my Bible again now, and I can already see change. I just hope I can keep growing and changing so that others see it too. I want to be that selfless woman of God that I grew up always wanting to be, before I strayed so much.

I could probably assume that many people who know me very well.. could very easily predict my every move when it comes to my pride and situations that arise from it. I'm very competitive, very, very, VERY competitive. I want to blame playing competitive soccer at Valley High School for that mostly, but, of course for REAL the blame lies with me and me alone. All Zach had to do was look at me and quietly say, "Emily... pride..." when I was playing mario kart to get me to realize what I was doing and that I needed to calm down. Ughhh. I need my friends to do that, as much as I hate it- I need it.

So when the lyrics say, "why do you even bother with me, please tell me what it is you see"- it's basically what I feel like saying to my friends, the ones who put up with me. And then I want to say this to let them know I love them so much for being by my side amidst my crazy antics, prideful heart, and selfish desires.

This part:
it's me that you can do without
but you choose to stick it out
and without you there is no doubt
i would break under the burden

...is humbling to me. it's so true...

so basically, the end sums up how I feel ultimately...
"it's the least I could do, after what we've been through
I wrote these words cause I love you, only you."

See, that's the best thing about ART. Art causes things to happen inside of you, it makes you face yourself, it makes you feel. Life is nothing without feelings. Life needs art, I need art in my life. Music, sculptures, paintings, carvings, prints, photographs, dance... it's all apart of an endless circle of creativity, growth, and emotion. I LOVE IT.

a poem and a prayer...

pull and pull until she breaks in half
push and push until she falls to her knees
love and love until she loves you back

summer skies reveal summer secrets
purple sunsets uncover golden sunrises
love and love until she loves you back

painful resistance transforms her heart
fearful insistence consumes her soul
love and love until she loves you back

love never felt so unlovely before.
---------------------------------------


Father, my God, You are the Magnificent Creator
You provide no matter what
You love unconditionally
You sacrificed yourself to save us
You are beautiful and amazing
can we ever fathom Your ways?
Your Holy Spirit flows everywhere
filling every empty space in our hearts
You know us completely
because You made us
You always understand
our pain is Your pain
You hold us in Your arms
like a little child in the arms of their Father
You are just and righteous
You are perfect
I love you with all of my heart. <3
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