"I'll never let go Jack, I'll never let go..."

Wilson is a black and white furry little thing... the cutest little cat you'll ever meet. He loves to be hugged and held. He loves jumping from the ledge onto my shoulder and hanging out there for a while, purring as I scratch his fluffy little head. He likes to jump and climb up Bekah's leg into her arms. Wilson is a nice cat. Wilson is the best. Wilson warms my heart.

Chastity is a vibrant 4-year-old girl. She is a little angel, so innocent and so pure, a mini version of myself, blonde-haired child full of adventure and a love to snuggle. Full of creativity and already something special inside of her to express- she already has began making pottery and painting them with fantastic colors. They are exquisite.

Remington is the cutest 6 year old boy ever, with a smile that will break your heart, eyes so wide and open to learning about the world around him. He has such an imagination and such energy. We talk about our favorite Airhead flavors and he brings out his Pokemon card collection to show me what he has. Rem is the big bro to his little sisters. He is so fun and expressive.

Hope is a little baby, almost 1 year old. She's this little thing that cries a lot and is really loud, but most the time she just fascinates me. Her smile is so goofy and alluring all at the same time. She's learning how to high-five. She's this tiny angel staring up at me wondering who I am and I just feel a great desire rise up inside of me to show her how to live in this world the best I can. Babies freak me out initially, but Hope is inescapable- she draws me towards her every time, and I just want to see what she's going to do next.

Chief is an old, old, old dog. A rottweiler. he's big. He's got the cutest, old, wrinkly looking face and snout... SO cute. but this bellowing bark he feels the need to let us know he is still fierce and young and able to scare people away if he had to. silly Chief. First time I met him, thought I was going to lose my hand when he snapped at me and barked viciously. Now, I walk by him and it's like he has no power over me- I'm the master. it took a couple days, but he really is just a gentle giant dog that's really old and turned senile. Like your grumpy grandpa. yeah.

5 reasons I have been so filled with JOY this week. Every moment that comes, I'm seeing God pouring out His love for me all around me in every little thing. It's absolutely amazing and overwhelming to be so blessed and to see His love for me in the sweet little angels the kids I'm now living with are and Wilson the cat and Chief the dog. I just love the whole bunch. God is so good.

"it seems like I'm getting closer somehow..."

Walking, waiting
look up
stop--
awkward
pause...
flash a smile
blinking, caution
heavy breathing
heart beating
faster
do I risk it
do I dare
anticipating, dread
glance up
eyes meet
lock on target
heart drops
emotionless stare
...not like I care
hands shaking
hesitation
words flow
wish I could go
dart
dash away
my heart at my feet
tears spill to the street
stop
look back
frown
walking, wilting.
------------------

Darling, it's you I'm without

Change is your best and worst friend all at once. If you find a balance, things are ok.

I showered for the first time in my new shower today. I was unpleasantly surprised to discover a daddy-long-leg spider hanging out on the ceiling, far too close to where I was showering. I decided to be-friend him instead of be scared of him though, and named him Tyrone. He stayed in his place and I stayed in mine- the world was at peace. I hope I see Tyrone tomorrow. Otherwise, I might miss him a little.

I found out something last night. First off, three weeks or more worth of laundry takes FOREVER to dry. That's not the something I was going to share but it was worthy of mention and I'm a spaz. Anyway, the thing I found out last night besides the annoying side of laundry. Talking to my far-away friend on the phone, I found out the condition of a beautiful painting I painted and sent him for his 18th birthday (2 years ago). We had been dating for a long time, but broke up because the long-distance thing wasn't working. He then started dating another girl and had some rough times with her, resulting in the complete destruction of their relationship because this girl turned out to be a total psycho b-word... seriously. psycho. According to my old boyfriend and dear friend, she saw my painting in his room and went ape-mad and PUNCHED the canvas so that it was ripped from the staples holding it to the wooden frame, but thankfully the canvas was tough so it didn't rip where she punched it in. She did also throw it and it hit something sharp, so there is a small tear on the right upper side. Adam and his dad reconstructed it so it looks almost good as new, and he sent me a picture of what it looks like now.. and I must say, it looks just the way I sent it to him except for the tear in the canvas. :(

I was kind of shocked and frightened by the story, and I felt bad because I worked so hard on that painting and to find out someone had so much disrespect for a gift I made... it kind of hurts! but at least it looks pretty much the same. and at least I'm not the psycho girl. Mmhmm.

I have a nasty cold and it is beating me up :( I'm going to finish my tea and facebook some more.............

"we've still got time..."

"A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

She said if we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together

I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes."
--Lifehouse


"I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along."
--Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova

be the one.

"When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump i'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump i'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart."
-Savage Garden.

maybe.

should I just wear a big sign across my chest that warns: CAUTION. HARD TO LOVE. TOO HARD TO HANDLE. EASY TO LEAVE.

...???

"I crossed the desert to be with you, I need you, I need you next to me."

I don't know how to describe life as of late. That's kind of saying a lot, since I am pretty good at describing things being a writer and an English major and everything......

Hm. I don't know. It's important to get out what is inside of you, because if it stays there you can never be certain what affect it will have on you. No matter what it is, I think it's better to get it out and feel free than keep it in and let it sit and stew until things just boil over everywhere. It's also important to have discretion. I find myself very uninhibited most of the time, so sometimes discretion is not my first thought... or my second... or third...you get the picture. But it is also very important to not let the fear of imposing yourself on other people keep you from doing what is best for you. Thoughts that go through your head might be- "but what will they think? what if this causes them to be angry at me? what if they think poorly of me afterwards?" but, it's very important to push those thoughts aside if it is in your best interest. I'm trying to take these three points and shake them up and somehow live a balanced, reasonable, and right way. It's not easy and it's not too hard, so somewhere I'll get it right.

Also. Isn't it funny how the things we try to control in this world really end up controlling us? Maybe not funny, to some extent... but interesting nonetheless. Maybe the solution isn't what you'd think it to be, even if it seems totally right and you've "thought it through" (like you think about something and magically end that issue in your mind as if it never comes up again..? yeah right). Sometimes what actually happens is we try to fix our problem area SO much, we end up right where we started off. Let me explain. We keep ourselves messed up the more we continue trying to UN-mess up our lives. Every problem area we have, every part of ourselves we need and try to fix, is like a box we're stuck in. And the more we try to fight out way out of the box, the longer we're going to stay stuck in that box. If I have a problem with being self-controlled maybe, to change that I would think I need to try to have more self-control... more control of myself. And what actually ends up happening, is eventually I get to a point where I'm not really controlling anything, I'm being controlled by myself without even knowing it and it leaves me exactly where I was before- out of control, lacking self-discipline, whatever you would like to call it. So maybe the solution is not really GETTING OUT, GETTING AWAY from that problem, from that box. Maybe the solution to your problem is to explore it a little, or a lot. Accept it. Accept that you have something you need to better, to work on, and that you're still ok no matter what that problem is. You're not bad. After acceptance, you feel empowered and free to fix your eyes on the positive place you want to get and not the negative place you're sitting in at the moment. Only then can problems begin to get fixed. Recovery isn't a day-long process, but I think it should be recognized that my faith in Jesus Christ is the kind of faith that believes in miracles. I believe that Jesus could take away every bad thing in my life in the matter of a second because I have faith in His great and mighty power. But you still have to understand, problems can go deeper than you think, and they will take time to recover from and to fix.

I just think it's time we start thinking about things differently than before. Or maybe, just be more aware that the way we think about things might not actually be the way things really are.

"I try to be delicate... then crash right into it."

If you were the most difficult person to love in this entire world with more problems than the worst i could ever imagine- i KNOW that i would do ANYTHING to help you and NEVER stop loving you. I don't know much about life, but I do know that I would keep loving you and never run out, never run dry inside.

People hit rock bottom in many different ways. From one perspective, someone else's idea of rock bottom may seem like actually being far from the bottom, from the pit. but for them, it's rock bottom. for you, rock bottom is something else. everybody hits rock bottom sometimes. you may not even know it, or it may be totally obvious.

If I thought about it... I guess the hardest person for me to love would be someone like Hitler or Charles Manson or some other famous person that brought devastation and murder and pain to humanity to some extent. But I can sit here and say in my heart and mean it-- I love them. I still love them. They were still human beings just like you and me- they had lives, they had problems, they had goals and aspirations, they were hurt, they might have been in love- whatever... they were humans. They experienced something that me being another human being can relate to in SOME way. And in no way do I condone what they did as being right and ok and tolerable, but I still love them. So how can I find it so hard to love the people that are my friends that I have great affection for and want to see happy and enjoying their lives, how can it be so hard? Exactly- it's not hard. No matter what problems I may have or had with you, it could be the worst problem EVER, but I still love you just the same. THE END- period.

What's your philosophy on love?

Did something happen in your life that changed it? Drastically, even? Were you one way a year ago and a completely different way right now? Were you let down? Were you hurt? Were you heartbroken? Did somebody gain your trust then throw it in your face and betray you? All of the above? At least one of the above? Whatever it may be for you, it's a shame to let the happenings of life tear down the meaning of love for you. No matter how many people break my heart, no matter how many people walk out on me that I poured myself into and gave everything to- I will NEVER stop loving, caring, feeling. I want to sometimes just because I get worn down from things just like everybody else- but at the end of the day... I can't imagine living without loving the way that I do, so unconditionally and exceptionally.

Am I the only person that thinks like this? That loves like this? Cause right now I feel like I am and it's the most depressing thing to ever realize. Especially when the one person you want to love you the most, can't. because they let something in the past alter their philosophy of love so much, they think it can't ever be the same (or more, BETTER) again. Shame. Damn shame. Breaks my heart.

Undeniable

These passages mean so much to me right now:

"Therefore let those who suffer according to the will of God commit their souls to Him in doing good, as to a faithful Creator." 1 Peter 4:19

"Yet if anyone suffers as a Christian, let him not be ashamed, but let him glorify God in this matter." 1 Peter 4:16

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith, knowing that the same sufferings are experienced by your brotherhood in the world. But may the God of all grace, who called us to His eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you." 1 Peter 5:8-10

"For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God." 1 Peter 2:20


God is so mighty and worthy of our praise. Through the good and the bad, He is faithful always. My purpose is so clear and so simple- to live according to God's will, to bring glory to Him in everything I do, to spread the gospel to those who do not know Him yet, to worship, love, and follow the Lord with all of my heart- chasing after Him with all that I've got.
<3 He is holy.

current mood: angry

Wow, I'm amazed at how many assholes there actually are here at Iowa State. And I'm referring to its professors. They may have credentials and brains and titles, but they are jerks who treat students like numbers that they are forced to shove information in our faces and give us exams for good measure that really make them delighted in their own intelligence that is far above ours, proven time and time again by all the "numbers" that walk through their door- faceless and insignificant.

I'm just going to take this opportunity to say- Screw You, Iowa State professors who fall under the asshole category, may you rot in hell someday after putting me through hell just because I want to get an education and be successful in life. THE END!

"you can climb a ladder up to the sun..."

So, being on a bunch of medicines really opens your eyes up to how different drugs work in your body, and how amazingly helpful they can be, and how amazingly sucky they can be too. After my car accident, my doctor put me on an anti-anxiety medicine at a super low dosage (cause I'm such a skinny little girl...) and it definitely helped stop me from having anxiety attacks from nightmares of the crash, when I would be in a car and when I'd have flashbacks and things like that over the course of 10 days I think. Well now that I'm off of it, I noticed on the little packet of information on the drug that it says not to go off of it cold-turkey and just stop taking it. But I didn't know that and no one really told me about it and I didn't think anything of it especially with all the chaos that's been going on in my life.. just didn't cross my mind. Yeeeeah. Now I'm having all these things happen to my body like tremors in my hands and fingers that's.. actually really noticeable, and this crappy dry-mouth feeling and some other crappy things. But the tremors are the crappiest, my hands just shake and shake and shake. Ugh!!!!! And I guess when I was telling my mom the situation, she told me that's pretty much my body reacting to a physical addiction to the medicine because it's a "habit-forming" drug. Well shoot. I didn't know that. That's lame and I hate that my hands shake all the time.

Well that's my lame story of the day. My awesome story of the day is that Zach and I had a really great lunch together just the two of us at the MU today. We had an awesome talk and got a lot of things out in the open and stuff like that. I love Zach very, very much! :)

I'm excited for Salt tonight, and EXTREMELY nervous :( at the same time.....

go see The Bucket List it's SO SO SO good!!!!!!

Great things that happened today:

-saw the movie The Bucket List with Aubrey, James and Zach
-Aubs came over and we talked forever like old times
-We ate together at the udcc... I had 2 chocolate brownies and a bowl of ice cream!
-Brek and Steve saw us and sat down at our table and ate with us.. totally love 'em
-Duke played the NC tar heels in basketball tonight
-I found out Mac watches Curious George the cartoon on tv AND Arthur...who KNEW?!
-my best friend came back to me, and it makes me so happy
-today was Day 2 of living a renewed life in Christ
-Discovered that Aubrey has the new single by Miley Cyrus... we're obsessed with it.
-I felt so, so loved
-I made my mom cry tears of joy

Not so great things that happened today:
-unrequited love.....story of my life it seems.
-I already miss him.

The End!

rough draft

so hard to concentrate
hard to keep holding on
if I could focus for just one moment
maybe I'd stop noticing that you're gone

so hard to catch my breath
hard to keep moving forward
if I could throw aside these thoughts of you
maybe I'd stop hearing the same sad chord

so hard to carry this weight
hard to live with a tired soul
if I could glue the pieces back together
maybe I'd stop longing to be whole

so hard to celebrate
hard to live with these scars
if I could feel your loving embrace
maybe I'd stop wishing on shooting stars

so hard to count the days
hard to be without you
if I could erase all of these if's
I'd start living a life renewed.