Friday, December 19, 2008

"Oh the only one I come undone for is you-u-u-u-u..."

After saying goodnight to each other, I was ready to fall asleep and have wonderful dreams. But just as I reached to turn off the light, my phone rang again and it was him. I wondered what could possibly be the reason, seeing as we had been on the phone for hours and had talked about everything that two people can talk about. "Yes?" I said. And then he said those words. Those words we always long to hear in the deepest threads of our heart. Those words that change everything in an instant. The ones that our softest, sweetest dreams are created from. And he said them to me.

I feel that if I had heard this from him a year ago or some other previous year, my reaction would be predictable and assumed. But my life has changed so much in the past year. So many things are different. I'M different. I couldn't answer the same way I would have back then.

My heartbeat was suddenly beating out of my chest and I could hear it as if someone was playing a base drum in my ear. My eyes searched the room to look for some assurance that this was indeed reality and not just a dream. My mouth was moving, but no words were coming out, they were stuck in my throat. I was a deer stuck in the headlights. I felt so many things all at once that I couldn't possibly choose just one of them to express, so my brain opted to give up and express nothing. I wanted so badly to say the words back to him, that was absolutely clear. But I was frozen. I sputtered out a few words of explanation, but mostly left him hanging there in his vulnerability.

My heart was yelling, "Say it Say it Say it!!" but my head was screaming back, "No, I can't!" and it was then I realized how utterly frightened I was of what had just been said to me. Not because I didn't feel the same way. Not because I didn't want this to happen. But because I knew how strongly I felt the same way, and how devastating it would be if this didn't work out someday. Right when he said those words to me, I was afraid he was going to vanish in an instant and be gone forever and I would be left alone. I was horribly scared to lose him. Because I know how hard this will be. Once we admit this, there's no going back. And I'm not completely sure that I have it in me to go all the way. That's what scares me the most. And that's why I couldn't say the words back to him. I am 100% stupid and 100% chicken.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Changes.

There is a lot going on in my life right now. It's crazy! I'm proud of myself for managing everything the way I have.... even though I wish I could manage it all better, I know I'm still learning. Always learning. That never changes.

In the past couple months, a lot has changed. I've leaned a lot less on some people that are in my life, and leaned a lot more on others. I've become a die-hard Scrubs fan, nay- FANATIC, pretty much, and watch every season over and over again. I've even begun to apply certain episodes to what's going on in my own life and thinking about how J.D. and the rest of the hospital gang get through the tough times of life. Though it is just a tv show, it is a lot more to it underneath all the quirky jokes. I've had a variety of sicknesses, including the current one that is starting to go away finally- my lovely bronchitus/asthma. I attended the 2008 Snowball with Salt Company, which reminded me how much I miss high school homecoming and prom dances and refueled my love for the art of dance.

I have shied away from any and all opportunities to get anywhere NEAR dating a new boy. Literally I have kept it from even entering the door to my mind... and the few times someone has tried to creep in there, I get so scared about just THINKING about being in a relationship I absolutely FREAK out and try to remind myself to keep breathing steady, deep breaths...otherwise I'd probably faint. Yeah. That's new for me. I was always miss boy crazy, miss always-wanting-to-be-in-a-relationship. Ya not so much.... not since, well, we'll just say not since what happened last year with a certain boy. Speaking of which, is in a new relationship which totally confuses me and creeps me out actually....it's just really weird to me, not in a i-still-care kind of way, just a how-can-you-not-notice way. best of luck to them.

There is, however, a boy that is always on my mind, of course. The one that lives 1200 miles away from me and always has! Apparently no guy in Iowa deserves me. I'm going to be on a plane in exactly 7 days flying to the beautiful state of North Carolina to spend 10 days with him, his friends, and his family. I don't think I've ever been MORE excited to see someone in my entire life. And for once... we are oddly both single. We talk.... preeetty much every single day, sometimes twice, sometimes three times on the phone. I am still in shock that I am actually going to be in his presence after 2 years and 5 months. That's a long time people! in March, it will be 7 years since that fateful day we met on the cruise ship. Unbelievable. I have imagined the moment we see each other at the Raleigh-Durham airport in my head, over, and over, and over again. Every time is different. But every time is the same. I am always happy in every dream that I have, always euphorically....happy.

I met and started hanging out with a new friend named Blake, that's actually on the ISU track team with all my other guy friends. We became buds really fast. I'm so comfortable around him and there's no "tension" with him regarding that always-there feeling guys and girls have around each other when they first become friends that makes them wonder if they'll ever be more than friends. It's nice. Very odd, but really nice. I can always count on him to pick me up from right outside my dorm and take me home at a second's notice, to be playing gangsta rap and hip hop whenever we drive somewhere, and to do something spontaneous with me at ridiculous hours of the night. It's awesome!

I've had interesting sleep patterns in the past month. It's been horrible, but at the same time, enlightening. With all my sicknesses, medicines, side effects of medicines, and trying to keep up with school and work which is exhausting when you're already sick and tired anyway.....well, my body clock has been WAY off. So there have been many times I would be asleep during the day and wide awake at night. Or sleep extra long, like for 15 hours. Or be wide awake and unable to fall asleep for 32 hours straight. All I can say is that it's been... quite an experience.

I'm glad to announce I have finally found my calling in my Fashion Design major here at Iowa State. However, it has not been an easy semester. Somehow I couldn't escape the clutches of sickness again, and it has caused a bunch of problems for me.... again.... right at the end of the semester... it's been quite the struggle. I hope things work out. That's really all I can say at this point.

Love always.

Sunday, November 23, 2008

"DECODE" - Paramore.

How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind
I can't win your losing fight all the time
Not gonna ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No not this time
Not this time

How did we get here?
When I use to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out on my own
On my own ("I'm screaming I love you so")
On my own (My thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here?
When I use to know you so well, yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves

Yeah
How did we get here?
When I use to know you so well, yeah yeah
How did we get here?
Well, I use to know you so well

I think I know
I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me I want it to be true.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

this is what I pray.

In my life, be lifted high
in my world, be lifted high
in my love, be lifted high
higher, higher

i call, You answer
and You came to my rescue
and i want to be where You are.
-------------------------------

show me Your heart
show me Your way
show me Your glory

Your fire fall down
fire fall down
on us, we pray
we'll never be the same again
fire fall down
fire fall down
on us, we pray
as we seek You, Lord.

------------------------

I am once again quite ill. I have an infection that spread to both my kidneys and now I have a nasty kidney infection. I'm very scared it won't get better from the medicine I was put on, because then I will have to be hospitalized and I really don't need the stress of all of that. I'm already stressed and down as it is. I got to go to Salt tonight though, which gave me a little boost in my spirit and my emotional/mental state. I am praying so hard that my infection clears up. I know God will take care of me, no matter what happens.

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Loosening the grip.

It's sad that one day can unravel months, even years, of growth in a friendship. There are some disappointments in life you just can't ever be prepared for, and seeing someone for who they really are is one of them. Especially when you see them in a light you wish had never been turned on... because it's ugly.

One thing I have learned about living is that you can't fix your friends. Along with that, you have to weigh the mistakes and the consequences and their impact on you, and figure out what's best for yourself- not them. Otherwise, it's just not healthy.

All people have patterns. Most of life contains cycles that we fall in and out of. When you start seeing a bad pattern in someone you have always held in high opinion, things can get a little difficult and complicated. You have an attachment to the past of this person, but you have a "detach button" ready to be hit for the present, because you look out into your future and you see them continuing their patterns over and over and over again, and it's just too much to ask yourself to overlook all the hurt and all the problems it's going to cause you later on... not to mention what it's already caused you at the present moment.

I never used to be able to detach myself from anybody. Even the most destructive of relationships. But I can now. The question now is, how do I know which function to practice, and to what extent? I am at a loss for words at this point.

Monday, October 27, 2008

"I don't really miss it all that much..."

I've decided to begin every train of thought with the word "As." Because I can.


As I sit here alone, with no roommate to quietly whisper a goodnight to just across the room from where I lie, I sort of wish I wasn't such a people person. Like life would be so much easier if I was totally ok with being an introvert all the time..... because I find myself alone for a large portion of my life. Or, rather, those periods of time just stick out... because I do really love being around people that much. Either way, since my roommate had to move out because of her health issues with the mold in our room, I am still upset about getting all familiar with living with another person and making a new friend, then having it all ripped away from me in a matter of 2 days. The ironic part is that I know exactly what it feels like to be her and have to choose your health over what you wish you could do. That's really why we made such a strong bond so quickly.... and it's still there, but I can't wake up with it there or go to bed knowing it's there either.

As I think about the person I'm avoiding currently, I wonder if they're starting to wonder if I'm avoiding them. It's not that I'm immature and don't want to own up to something I did. I really have not had 30 minutes to myself the past 2 days. All of my time and energy goes to my schoolwork and classes, or work these days. To be honest, I don't think a lot of people who know me pretty well actually get how busy I actually am and how demanding my major actually is.......they're probably used to me being the girl that always had time for everyone else, but that was before I got my life in order and figured out I have to stop giving away all my time to other people and other things.... and finally give myself the time of day to do what I want and what I need. And what I want and need right now is to succeed in school and get my GPA up and focus on learning everything I need to learn to practice my passion for fashion one day... and be happy with what I do and who I am. That's the ultimate goal. And the only way I'll get there is by being a little selfish. Note: I use the term selfish in a way you probably won't really understand. It's a little complicated. And I'm not going to elaborate.

As I recall going to work last night, I was very much dreading it... as usual. Sunday nights are usually so bland at the C-store. I have to be in the back cooler, stocking all the milk and drinks and frozen snacks in the 40 degree temperature. Granted, I get to look like an eskimo (eskimos are cool) with multiple big puffy coats covering my little frame as I grab more crates of Powerade and Mountain Dew and stumble into the freezing cold death chamber (I just came up with that name for it!!). Anyway, the thing is it's the people I work with on said night that usually give me no reason to look forward to it. However, last night my team was all in such good moods that everyone had a lot of fun practically the entire time. I let my charming personality and silly humor get me in with the 2 cool black dudes I work with, and made the cheese dish for the deli look so pretty my supervisor said she'd write about it and put it in the comment box. BAM!!! But the icing on the cake is that my boss (who I was full and ready to walk up to and rant for 10 minutes about how smiling is good for the soul if the opportunity came), spoke more than 2 sentences to me (first surprise), AND (second surprise), said aforementioned sentences in a kind tone of voice. BAHH!! I sensed a hint of a smile on her face too...... incredible. So I didn't get to say my awesome speech about smiling and laughter and how being a nice person in general is a good thing.....and how if she wanted to work in the food industry she probably should have realized it's about dealing with people, both employees and customers, ALL THE DANG TIME, and brushed up on her people skills and maybe gotten some counseling on how to JUST BE A NICE PERSON.... but if I would have gotten to give my whole rant, I probably would have gotten fired. so. I guess my own boss kinda saved my butt in an ironic twist. :)

As I was typing up my resume down in the good ol' Friley computer lab just about 45 minutes ago, I couldn't help but get a little down on myself. The education section that I needed to list out made me ponder my life more than I would have liked to at the moment. My instructor gave us a little outline that basically wrote our resume for ourselves, but it was supposed to be a guide, and prompted us to list academic awards, honors, art show awards, scholarships, our GPA, and other such things. After getting out the major things like what my major is and my emphasis and that I am a Hixson Scholarship Recipient........I realized that is my only pride and joy that matters to the outside world and the academic world of Iowa State University. The fact that I have yet to graduate with anything official from this lovely university, and I am a member of a scholarship group (which is very honorable, but... that's all). As far as anyone is concerned, I am about as valuable of a potential employee as a homeless man off the street........ well, you know what I mean. My GPA is sub-par after all the crappy health problems and personal situations that have interfered with my past semesters. I have never made the Dean's List. I have not won any awards in my 2 and a half years of attending, I have not even been put in any leadership positions in any clubs, groups, or activities, and my main activity within this university is a Christian Youth Group. Wow. I sound just AMAZING to an designer who needs an intern to come help design and work in their store. Note: Sarcastic tone.

As I continued sitting in the Friley computer lab thinking about how pathetic and troublesome my college years have been, I began to feel my blood temperature rise a little bit... as I questioned, 'how about in the Experience section i include that i've passed probably 10 kidney stones known to date?' or perhaps, 'for one of my many Key Skills, what about putting down- 'should have died from car accident but has great skills in not dying even though all odds are against me''.....better yet, 'activities: telling myself that i love myself and i'm worth living, every day. because if i dont, i might not believe it.' eh? do those things matter on frickin Resumes?! no. no they dont. all the life experiences I have that matter in my heart and my soul.... don't matter at ALL to the world outside of my college shelter. they dont care that i've overcome pain after pain after pain and learned how to cope with immense stress and become a strong, stable woman. But they do care that my GPA is not a 3.0 or a 4.0. And they do care that I've never been on the Dean's List and I'm a junior in college at major university. Awesome. I am just set, aren't I? :(

Resumes suck.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

when it rains...

Life is hard.

some people just let you down, all the time, and you should probably get used to it.

Fear is a trap. Don't fall into it.

there are just some things that you can't fix.

brokenness is a lonely tunnel with no light at the end.

if you don't show someone that you care, how do they know that you care?

if you get the opportunity to let someone know you care, don't pass it up. if enough opportunities go by unnoticed, eventually you send a very clear message that is very hurtful.

oblivious is not an excuse.

if you don't have time for me, i'm not going to give you my time.

when it rains on this side of town, it touches EVERYTHING.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

There are some people I never want to be like.

So I recently had an experience with some people, in particular some people of the female species. And as most people know, I shy away from hanging out with girls unless they are my very good friends or are truly great people that do not belong in the general stereotype of the female population. We all know girls like this. They are almost everywhere. You just can't seem to get away from them. I do not think of myself to be better than these girls in any way, shape, or form. However, I have very strong beliefs when it comes to how I act and how I represent my gender when I act a certain way. This being said, I just want it to be clear that I am not saying I am better than anybody, but I am saying I do not think of myself as the stereotypical girl of Generation Y. And that is very important to me.

A lot of these girls actually think of themselves the same way I think of myself. Not like "them." But I assure you, they are sadly mistaken. It is a sad thing that we even have this stereotype about being a young female that has presented itself as something girls must fight against for much of their young lives. But the reality of things is that it exists. So deal with it. You can only pretend so long.

I have been thinking a lot about this over the weekend, because of what happened a couple nights ago when I was out and about. I remember retelling the story of events that night to my lovely roommate just the other day, and she was listening to my every word as if she were watching a suspenseful movie just about to reach its climax and change the world we know forever. Dripping with drama.

I arrive at my really good guy friend's place. I found him and we hugged and said salutations, the usual. Then he told me to go set up for a game we were going to play and he'd be there in a minute to join me. So I'm waiting. Then I look over and I see this random girl walk up to him and start doing what can only be described as a desperate attempt to get a guy's attention and somehow fulfill her slutty quota for the night. Ew. The only thing is, he's not stopping it. Cool. A girl that I only assume is a friend of said desperate girl comes over to me and asks me, "hey are you and that guy together?" I look at her. I make up my mind very quickly to not be THAT GIRL that thinks she possesses something that she really doesnt. I say, "no we are not together. I don't want her dancing with him though." I felt it was a good representation of my complicated thoughts at the moment. She walks away. My guy friend finally snaps out of it and walks over to join me at our game. We're getting things ready, when all the sudden said desperate dancing girl pushes me out of the way and stands inbetween me and my guy friend so that we can't stand next to each other. I kindly say, "excuse me, this is my friend, we're playing right now." She turns to me and shoves me further away and goes, "He's MY partner. GO AWAY." She literally shoved me. I want to explode, but I try to kindly tell her to move away so we can play our game and she can play next, and she grabs my guy friend and nuzzles close to him as she forcefully tells me that she is playing with him, not me. My guy friend says and does nothing.

This does not make me feel good. I hold back tears, and walk into my friend's room and shut the door so I can be alone because I feel like I'm about to cry. A second later, all the sudden the door is flung open and in walks in another girl. She stands very close to me and yells, "HEY, what's the problem?!" I tell her very calmly, "there's no problem, a girl was not being very nice to me and shoved me and it was very rude." The girl then explains to me that that's her best friend and somehow felt the need to assure me several times that she's "NOT A SLUT" and that I need to keep my mouth shut(uhh?). This is perplexing, stupid, and annoying to me. I tell her calmly, "That's fine. But your friend shoved me out of the way and it was just really uncalled for and unnecessary." Apparently that just set her off. Apparently she doesn't respond well to calm, chill, laid-back, nice girls. Because, next thing I know, this girl GRABS my chin and pulls me close to her face (what?!), yells some garbage at me about being a b*tch, then PULLS MY PONYTAIL HAIRBAND OUT OF MY HAIR and THROWS IT ON THE GROUND. I look at her and I'm like, "excuse me?! get away from me!" and I walk out of the room and back to where everyone else is. I pull my guy friend aside and try to explain to him what just happened, and I'm holding back tears again, and he is completely belligerent and just looks at me and goes, "Emily. You need to leave. Just leave." I grab my purse and I am out of that place faster than you can say "Unbelievable."

The worst part is when I am walking out of the door, I turn back as it opens again and the mean girl who pulled my hair out is standing at the door, waving at me, and says, "Bye!!!"

I wrote about this because this is something I have never experienced before. I have never felt what I felt on this night after having these random, slutty, disrespectful, gross, b*tchy girls attack me when I did absolutely nothing to provoke them, nothing wrong, and pretty much nothing at all but come over to MY friends of 2 and a half years and hang out.

So I stand strong on what I put as the title of this blog: There are some people I never want to be like. And those girls are those people. Unbelievable. UNBELIEVABLE.

crown me nothing.

What constitutes a validated meltdown exactly?

where is my God and Savior in these dark times?

I choose not to respond to the prodding questions and condescending remarks.

this year, I have a backbone.

when did marriage become a fad?

every day I live, I gain a deeper understanding of the expensive world we live in, and every day I hate it even more than the day before.

What makes money the god of this underworld and how do we stop it?

who decided money is enough to destroy lives of beautiful people?

I say, hell no.

No, I do not want to leave my home here and go where you are and where you now are calling "home", because it is not MY home and it never will be. It will always be the place you now stay, just a place, nothing more nothing less. Never home.

bye.

Monday, September 15, 2008

"you caught me off guard, now i'm running and screaming."

this is the point where I have to re-group, evaluate, and re-strategize... using all the tools I became equipped with over this past summer. Life is moving very fast, and has been for a while now. The constant high speed has been manageable, but I'm running out of gas. So now I need to fill back up, before I get to empty and hit rock bottom again. I never want to hit rock bottom again! That's why I have preventative measures up my sleeves that I will now pull out and use.

I will never get used to taking all of my medicines and pills. Especially my kidney stone disease medicine. I absolutely hate having to take 6 pills every single day, knowing that if I don't, it could cost me a lot of pain and a lot of problems I definitely don't need on my already full plate right now. And it's worse, because I faithfully take my medicine, but I still already have been passing several stones over the past couple weeks. Last night was the worst... I thought I was going to have to go to the ER, but I just toughed it out for 3 hours total of constant pain. It forced me to take my prescribed pain medication, which I hate doing because it knocks me out so I am like a vegetable pretty much and can't do a thing. But I really couldn't take any more pain... it was just draining me and draining me. The pain med knocked me out so much I did have to miss my early morning class, but I tried with all my might to get out of bed and move on with my day and go to my other 3 classes. It was so hard walking to class, when I just wanted to fall over and sleep for like an entire DAY, but I reached deep inside myself and pulled out the strength that God fills me up with when I am so weak and frail. He is my everything. I couldn't get through these days without Him and without the strength he lets flow through my fragile human body.

I'm just starting to feel really weary from moving at such a fast pace for a while now.... I want things to slow down, but I can't change what happens around me. All I can do is change how I react to them and how I manage it all.

So that's exactly what I'm going to do. And no one can bring me down. I'm doing my best and I'm doing all I can to stay on top of things, and that's all I can ask of myself and all anyone else can ask of me. I'm not worried about what other people think and what other people say about me-- that's their problem. I can only control my own behavior and speech. Otherwise, you end up being controlled by everyone and everything around you.... and that is not a good thing- trust me I know this.

that's the update as of right now. Rock on.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

"You are the strength that keeps me walking."

things going on in my life are still just as hard and just as bad. but you know what? my life is great right now. it's great because i'm learning that the stuff that happens to us is not what defines how we live our lives. it's how we manage the bad stuff. you can have tons of crappy circumstances and situations hitting you hard all at once for year and year after year until the day you die, but the second you begin to know how to manage it, even though the situations and problems themselves do not go away or change, suddenly life is so much better!

divorced parents? check
losing the house i grew up in? check
therapy? check
depression? check
addictive tendencies? check
chronic kidney stone disease? check
broken relationships? check
best friend moving away? checkkk
co-dependency issues? check

it's all there, it's all going to be there, it all sucks and it's painful, it lasts a long time, it all happens at once, it's crushing! but the Lord never gives us more than we can handle. He has given me so much strength! I feel so, so strong. I feel strong and confident as I move back to Ames and begin a tough semester of school and work and all the stress that comes with it.

:) and most of all, I am happy.

Saturday, August 09, 2008

to live is to learn.

"Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same."

Sometimes the best thing to do about something is to do nothing.

"You don't know me, and you don't wear my chains."

Sometimes people will just never understand what you're going through. After all, we are a flawed human race, and if we understood EVERYTHING then we'd by just like God.

"There are certain people you just keep coming back to."

It's ok to keep caring for someone, but removing them from your life at the same time.

"I would've stayed up with you all night, had I known how to save a life."

We can't save the people around us. We can only influence. The rest is God's job.

Some people get to a point where they literally cannot go on caring and watching someone they love go through painful things. I think these people are people that have not experienced extremely painful things themselves. That's why there are other people to lean on that do know what it's like.

"and when it rains on this side of town, it touches everything."

some people go through storms all their lives. some people will only feel a light sprinkle their whole lives.



--just things i've found to be true.

Saturday, August 02, 2008

Let Go.

lately i've found myself thinking, "why are they doing that!? why are they acting like that?!!!" and being really perplexed trying to understand why one of my friends is doing this and why another is doing that. it's frustrating when you really can't understand no matter how hard you try. i guess i try to do it because i want to be able to relate and learn more about relationships. but i must say, i think it's weird how much thought goes to wondering about other people...wondering about things i see... wondering about what goes on between people around me. it's weird because i just flipped my perspective around and realized that people do the same thing to me. they look at me acting a certain way and just go, "what??????" and don't get why i do this or why i say that. and i would tell them, hey if you don't get it, that's ok. but don't stay up at night thinking about how frustrating MY life may be in your mind. you obviously don't think the same way i do in ALL issues of life. duh. even if we're really good friends, and we have a connection, and we've been through lots of stuff together, and have a great relationship.... that doesn't mean everything is always going to be understood between each other.

for the first time ever in all my 19 (almost 20!) years of existing, i've learned how to let go of someone. i've actually been able to let go. that's... HUGE, for me. I always let the people around me control the way i think and act and speak. like with my parents, usually i let them walk all over me because i really am respectful towards them with my attitude and i really want to honor God's commandment to honor my parents. but i've had a lot of practice lately in balancing a respect and honor for my parents, with being brave and standing up for myself, and being able to be an adult and an individual. that's just been a crazy roller-coaster ride. but, back to the letting go thing. actually, i've let go of 2 people. 2 really big people. one, an ex-boyfriend that cheated on me and honestly controlled everything i did and said and felt. man i needed to break those chains off SO BAD! and they're finally broken. the other, a good friend who is always critiquing me and advising me, but never takes a dose of his own medicine. these are very important steps in my process of getting back to a healthy state of mind and successful person. all of the credit goes to my Lord, my Father in heaven, my Savior, Jesus Christ.

the nature of sin, ever since the fall of Adam and Eve, has been our sinful desire to be independent from God and do things our own way. I really let that sink in the past few weeks. How do I try to be independent from God in my own life, right now? well, for the longest time, I've tried to let go of these painful relationships with my own strength, with my human mind, my own free will. and it's great to know i have the free will to choose whether to follow myself or follow the God who made me, but i choose to give it all up to God and let Him control my life- since He's the one who knows what's best for me and knows the plan for my life, why would I take the reigns and do it myself, when me taking the reigns ALWAYS ends up in turmoil. ALWAYS. God is trying to restore my life to what He designed it to be. Why do I try to get in the way all the time? He is the ALMIGHTY GOD! ugh! it's infuriating thinking of my own crazy logic sometimes..... how I think I am just SO smart and so capable of being the god of my own life. I carry the generational sin that came to be with Adam and Eve. I know it, and this is what I'm choosing to do about it. What about you?

I've had such an awesome last couple of weeks, deepening my relationship with God. Tim spent a lot of time talking with me about a lot of stuff, many times over the past weeks, and it charged me up inside. I believe God used Tim to help spur me on in my spiritual awakening. He is such an amazing guy. Anyway, it's been awesome! I've been given such clarity in things that were so cloudy and foggy to me before. I know spiritual peace like I've never known before. With all the craziness in my life, there is no way I could ever say that with confidence without some kind of insanely magical thing helping me- aka Jesus Christ and his Holy Spirit working inside of me. blahhhhh. i cant even begin to explain it. God is just da bomb.

it's finally August........ oh my gosh. 15 days til I move back to Ames. PLEASE PRAY I CAN LAST. i'm serious.

Friday, August 01, 2008

Part 1 of spiritual growth.

I've been reading this book that Tim recommended, and it's called "God's Big Picture," by Vaughan Roberts. Basically, it is amazing. I am learning so much and growing deeper in my relationship with God, as I seek to know Him more and know His Word better. I wake up every day thirsting to know more about my Creator. I have read about 80ish pages so far, and this is what I've gotten from it so far:

-The Old Testament
1. the pattern of the kingdom
2. the perished kingdom
3. the promised kingdom
4. the partial kingdom
5. the prophesied kingdom
-The New Testament
6. the present kingdom
7. the proclaimed kingdom
8. the perfect kingdom

-the kingdom of God= God's people in God's place under God's rule and blessing.

-The Bible...
contains 66 books written by about 40 humans authors over nearly 2,000 years
has 2 main sections... Old and New, written in 2 main language... Hebrew and Greek
includes mixture of types of literature
39 books in Old, written 3rd century B.C.
27 books in New, written 1st century A.D.
Gospels are four accounts of the birth, life, teaching, death and resurrection of Jesus.
Acts, written by Luke, records the spread of the good news of Jesus after his ascension into heaven.
The Epistles are letters written mainly by Christ's chosen apostles.
Paul wrote Romans to Philemon.
but New Testament also contains letters from Peter, John, James, and Jude.
No one knows who wrote to the Hebrews.
Revelation is John's vision described.

-Just as the Lord Jesus was both fully human and fully divine, so the Bible is both a human and a divine book.
-it is united by ONE author= GOD.
-ONE subject= Jesus Christ and the salvation God offers through him.

-God's plan
-Old Testament: Promise
-New Testament: Fulfillment

-the way you read a book depends on the kind of book you think it is.
-the Bible is ONE book.
does not contain isolated sayings
each verse needs to be understood in the context of the chapter in which it appears
God's kingdom is the binding theme of the whole Bible
God's covenant promises ARE kingdom promises (some people think they are separate)

-There has never been a time when God, the three in one, was not.
-the Bible never allows us to rank the spiritual above the physical. Matter matters because God made it; it is 'good'.

"Human beings are animals. They are sometimes monsters, sometimes magnifcent, but always animals."
-but... WE alone, of ALL God's creation, have been made IN HIS IMAGE.
-we are made BY God and made LIKE God.

-'Rest' is the goal of creation.
-God's law is not oppressive; it is for our good.
-Man is created first, then the woman as his helper. Man is the LEADER in the relationship, but his authority is not ABUSED and the woman doesn't RESIST it. They enjoy marital bliss. They have complete intimacy WITHOUT fear or guilt.
-part of the purpose of the Sabbath law was to remind the Israelites that that is ultimately what life was designed for, rather than the concerns of the present world.
-we can experience something of that rest even in this fallen world.

-Satan is powerful, but not equal to God.
God alone is eternal
Satan is therefore a created being, but then must have rebelled against God.
-it doesn't matter whether or not we understand where evil comes from, but it is important that we know if its existence.

-Adam and Eve's FALL:
their sin is that of law-making, not just law-breaking.
they were saying, "from now on, God, we want to be the law-makers in the world, setting the standards by which we live."
usurping His authority and establishing their independence from Him
this has been the nature of sin EVER SINCE.
relationships between men and women is forever broken... the perfect trust and intimacy have now gone.
God tells the woman of sexual desire and a longing to take control over her husband
she will no longer submit willingly to his lead and he will no longer exercise it in the loving, self-sacrificial way that was God's design
the old innocence is gone... and by nature when he calls us back into fellowship with him, we always run away.
God's warning was not a mere THREAT. he carried out their spiritual death just like he said would happen to them.

once the vertical relationship with God has been broken, it is inevitable that horizontal relationships with one another will be broken as well.
so it is not a surprise that the first murder happens shortly after the fall
-Cain kills his brother Abel
-so the Lord created the great flood
it was a reversal of creation, a return to chaos
-then the Tower of Babel was built
it was a symbol of our sinful desire to exalt ourselves and be independent of God
-so God scatters people throughout earth and gives them different languages-- DIVISION among people, not just between us and God.

-God's motivation for rescuing the world was not, first and foremost, to make us happy -- although that is certainly one final result.
-rather, He is seeking to restore thing to the way they should be.

-God is in the center of the world that he has made
-but since the Fall, humans have refused to accept his right to be there and have tried to depose him.
-the results have been catastrophic
-when the King is in the middle, everything else falls into place.

SIN ---------> JUDGMENT-------------> GRACE.

-After killing Abel, Cain is driven into exile. But God does not completely abandon him. He places a protective mark on Cain and promises that anyone who kills him will himself be judged.

-Covenant= a binding agreement
-'testament' is another word for covenant
-a solemn committment
-appears 285 times in Old testament, 33 times in New.

Noah Covenant. sign= a rainbow
Abrahamic covenant. sign= circumcision
Mosaic covenant. sign= the Sabbath
New covenant. sign= baptism

-The promises Abraham received: people, land, and blessing.
people: "I will be your God, and you will be my people."
land: the promised land, Canaan.
blessing: through Abraham's descendants, "all people on earth will be blessed."
-the curse of the fall would be replaced by the blessing of salvation
-Abram ('exalted father') changed to Abraham ('father of a multitude').

-the history of Israel from Abraham until the high point of the monarchy under Solomon
-period of over 1,000 years
Genesis 12-Exodus 18
the 'people' promise
Exodus 19-end of Leviticus
the 'rule and blessing' promise
Numbers-Joshua
the 'land' promise
Judges-2 Chronicles
the 'King' promise

the patriarchs: Abraham and Sarah, then Isaac and Rebekah, sons are Esau and Jacob. Jacob has 12 sons, one being Joseph.

Ephesians 2:8-9
"it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God-- not by works, so that no one can boast."

'Isaac'= "he laughs"

-God tells Abraham to sacrifice Isaac
-Abraham, full of grief, but obeys and has faith.
-God provides him with a ram at last minute to sacrifice instead of Isaac.
*Trust in the gospel promises EVEN WHEN we cannot understand what God is doing in our lives.

-Jacob tricks father Isaac into giving HIM his blessing instead of older son Esau
-God does not choose people on merit.

-Jacob has 12 sons
Joseph is his favorite, and all other brothers are jealous
brothers sell Joseph as a slave and tell Jacob that he is dead
Joseph ends up in Egypt and in prison for something he did not do
-Is God really in control????????? YES!
Joseph interprets the Pharoah's dreams and he is released and made Prime Minister of Egypt
Canaan is threatened by famine and so Joseph's brothers go to Egypt for help... and run into Joseph!
Joseph helps them, and it results in the preservation of God's people
***God always overrules to ensure that his gospel promises are protected.
-we may not always understand how he does that.

Monday, July 28, 2008

I love listening to Explosions in the Sky ALL THE TIME. :)

It is amazing how much you can learn in just a few short days. I actually credit most of my enlightenment to the books I have been reading and am reading currently. Which, of course, is driven by my desire to seek God. Because anything else would, in the end, be worthless and meaningless. But seeking God...and seeking Him first, well that's just everything in this life. I love the gift of literature to this world. I love that it can be used as a tool to deepen our understanding, appreciation, and knowledge of God and His Word.

In opening my eyes to see what God wants to reveal to me, I'm finding I ask the question, "why?" less and less. Why me, Why did this happen, Why is this person doing this to me, Why did you let this continue, Why? Instead, more and more, I say, "ok this is happening or this happened, and that is ok. This is how I am going to choose to respond and react."

If you are an alcoholic or a cocaine addict or a sex addict or a cutter or WHATEVER......When asked who you are, do not answer "I am an alcoholic." Because you are not an alcoholic. That is not who you are. That does not define you. Who you are, is who GOD SAYS you are. God says you are His chosen ones, His child, His son or daughter, His beloved. God's truth says who I am and who you are. Not your best friend, not your enemy, not your parents, not your professor, not your roommmate, not your boss, not your boyfriend or girlfriend or latest crush. GOD'S WORD says who you are.

Sometimes I don't even realize that I have begun to let the world around me TELL ME who I am. I listen to the world, and the world says, "if you mess up, you are bad, you are a failure." my dysfunctional family legacy has taught me, "if you disappoint someone, then you are a disappointment, and you must punish yourself for that." And I don't even think about the millions of times I have read the same verses in the Bible OVER and OVER again that tell me, "You are the daughter of the King," and, "you are a child of Light," and, "you are not an orphan because God has adopted you into His family and You are loved, every part of you, all of you, He loves you." Because if I really believe what I believe, then I will not do the things I have been doing whenever something hard in my life hits me, even when something not so hard happens.

So many times.....scratch that- almost EVERY time the opportunity arises for me to choose how to react to something that happens in my life (anything, just anything), I go from the activating event straight to my reaction. Sure, I think about things. Some more than others, some less. But my emotions override my thoughts almost 100% of the time. I think I'm thinking, but I'm really just feeling and thinking about how I feel. I never stop to think about WHAT I BELIEVE, and how that is what I should base my reaction off of.

We act the way we act because of how we believe what we believe.

Faith is how I live, it is what I do. I live by faith because I believe in God's truth, I trust in His promises, I hope for an intimate relationship with Him to keep growing and to continue deepening. I love the people around me the way that I love them because God loves me and I believe that. I truly, truly believe that. I believe that God has given me the gift of joy. So why have I let Satan stifle my amazing gift of laughter and smiling and zeal for life and people? Maybe because I really haven't believed it all this time. Maybe I'm starting right now.

Romans 12:1-2 says to not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. For the past year, I have had horrible, disgusting, painful lies swarming around in my mind, and they have tried to overcome my faith in Jesus Christ. Satan has been twisting the truth in my head for far too long. It has caused so much destruction and devastation in my life, and I've had enough. It is time to change the lies in my mind from the world and from Satan to God's truths. And there is no better place to look for God's truths than in His Word, the Bible. And thus, the renewing of my mind journey begins.

So far, it's going great.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

injury update.

Collisions that occur during sporting events, slips, falls or automobile crashes can all have a damaging effect on your neck and back. These types of collision-related injuries are often called a "whiplash."

The resulting instability of the spine and soft tissues can contribute to headaches, dizziness, blurred vision, pain in the shoulders, arms and hands, reduced ability to turn and bend, and low back problems. As the body attempts to adapt, symptoms may not appear until weeks or even months later.

A common result of acceleration/deceleration injuries is the loss of the normal forward curve, causing chiropractic, orthopedic or neurological examination findings.

When the head is suddenly jerked back and forth beyond its normal limits, the muscles and ligaments supporting the head and spine can be stretched or torn. The soft, pulpy discs between spinal bones can bulge, tear, or rupture. Vertebrae can be forced out of their normal position, reducing range of motion. Even though the car may have received little damage, occupants can suffer serious spinal injuries.
-------------------

My neck injury from my car accident is getting increasingly worse. I hope it can be fixed.

Friday, July 25, 2008

You are the best one, of the best ones. We all look like we feel."

he sees himself so righteously
a diamond in an emerald sea
but while he's playing power chords
true love will pass him by.

he knows exactly what he wants
his charm deceives and taunts
but while he whispers in your ear
true love will pass him by.

he has the gifts and talents
but uses them for accomplishments
while he twists and manipulates
true love will pass him by.

he weakens for the pretty girls
and plays with their fancy curls
while darkness pulls his desire
true love will pass him by.

he takes everything that they had
enjoying them just like a fad
while he feeds upon her innocence
true love will pass him by.

he knows just what you want to hear
he knows how you want him to appear
and while he lies and smiles
true love will pass him by.

how many times do you have to slam
straight into a brick wall
over and over and over again
before you make a change.....

Thursday, July 24, 2008

yeah, this really happened.

This is my Scrubs moment of the day. You know how J.D. ends every episode with some kind of inner monologue reflection, usually with flashbacks or showing the scene while his voice continues... hahahaah, yeah this is mine.


the chasm that is great disappointment opens up and grabs me. is it over? is that it? and you're supposed to be the one i can count on? but then my friend showed me exactly why we have held onto each other all these years. in one moment, i knew why i loved her so much and cared so intricately for her.

I'm SO sorry. -Apology.

You didn't deserve that at all. -Compassion.

I am so, so, so sorry I didn't say anything. -Affirmation.

I hated every second of it, sitting in the back that whole time I just wanted to vomit. -Mutual Pain

I b*tched her out when we got in my car. I seriously yelled at her, you NEVER talk to my friend like that. Never. -Justice

I am so, so, so, so sorry. -Reaffirmation.
---

A picture of standing up for what's right. That's why I love her.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

more.

aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


is it all just about making plans and having a fun time? is life just what you DO? and how much FUN it was? It that what makes it all worthwhile. Huh.

maybe i'm a little tired of "making plans". maybe it all seems so superficial and empty and disgusting.

i'm a hermit sometimes.

life is more.

Monday, July 21, 2008

"...could you show me dear, something i've not seen, something infinitely interesting?"

"A Boy, Part I"

sometimes i cry so hard for you
and as the tears fall, i'm angry
angry that you aren't here to catch them
confused that i still want you here now

i shouldn't wish for you to wipe away the pain
shouldn't wait for these things to change
but here i lie in bed...
here the endless cycle begins

now that it's been a while
i'm writing letters to you again
letters that will never reach you
no, never will i reach you

now that it is certainly over
i wonder how it all happened
how did i push you so far away
while you were holding me so close?

sometimes it hurts me still
how hard i fell for you...
when in the end it was nothing
in the end it was less than nothing.

----

"A Boy, Part II"

do you see the trail you've left behind
what a legacy, oh what a life
strong debut for the opening show
bright lights, fireworks, you had it all

i'm afraid the impression you made is lasting
pressing down upon me for all this time
like a drug you remained deep within my blood
long after the beautiful trip had even begun

your premiere was undoubtedly impressive
yet lost its luster in the brewing storm
like the caffeine pulsating in my vessels now
you gave it your all just to let it all crash down

do you see the way you left me behind
what an epic fall, oh what a twist
thunderous applause and i'm at the door
glancing up at the man i thought you were

as you bow for the final curtain call
you look towards the audience with a smile
but i'm already gone, i figured it out
i know i'm better off without you after all.
----

the end for now.

Friday, July 11, 2008

opinions.

i'm being a bit opinionated today. i don't care....


first of all, i really want EVERYONE to STOP talking badly about Bekah towards me. She is not a perfect person but i'd be really surprised if anyone else on this PLANET would call themselves perfect. i'm seriously sick of people bringing up past mistakes she and i have made together and not believing that i am a strong enough person to change. i am extremely protective of that girl for a lot of really good reasons, and i won't let one more person attack her name. she has been a friend to me when literally no one else would be, tried to be, or cared to be, and no matter what your opinion of her is, i love her and accept her for who she is, flaws and all. that's the picture of Christ's love for us. PERIOD.

secondly, i'm sick of girls being slutty. i'm sick of ex-girlfriends trying to get to me. i'm sick of girls named Rachel. i'm sick of Christian girls who parade their bodies around even though they claim to follow God and His Word, yet don't think the way they dress themselves is specifically targeted in the Bible even though it is. or they do know it's in the Bible, yet continue to dress with the attitude 'hey boys come and get me, but i'm a nice Christian girl". i'm sick of seeing hypocrisy and immodesty and immorality within the Church.

thirdly. i do not think it is right for others to expect recovery in any way, shape, or form from a person who can hardly manage their day-to-day life. are you that selfish, naive, or idiotic to not see when a person is truly struggling just to LIVE? and how dare anyone spend their time pointing out this struggling being's flaws when you have heard from their very mouth the pain they are in EVERY DAY. honestly how self-centered can you be.

i'm realizing that, in discovering what i truly believe as an individual, i have very different views on the things of life than a LOT of people. i'm confused because what i believe really does seem RIGHT to me, based on what I read in the Bible. and i'm confused that other Christians do not share these views with me if they are reading the same Bible as me.

i'm frustrated.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

W.I.P. = work in progress.

gnawing at the heart on which you tread
a silent killer chains me to my bed
rigorously clawing until blood be shed
i'd rather sleep on than recall what you said

if malice were gentler and lesser in weight
it would still my blood the same at any rate
though death be not the most troubling fate
the pain in love is an overwhelming trait

words that drown out every breath i take
haunting me in my sleep and when i wake
i swallowed them numbly oh what a mistake
now they control me and deepen my heart's break.

... that's all. blah.

Thursday, May 29, 2008

"...water's getting harder to tread, with these waves crashing over my head..." -lifehouse

The place we are at right now in our lives is exactly where we are supposed to be. Sometimes that's hard to swallow. It doesn't go down so easy. It gets stuck in your throat and tightens up. It hurts. What if the place you're at is totally awful? How can that be the way your life is meant to go? A few tears every now and then never hurt anybody, and everybody knows deep down inside that the hard stuff in life only makes you stronger and better.

The thing is, sometimes a few tears turn into a flood. A flash flood. And it's apart of an even bigger storm. With crashing waves and slicing wind and crushing hail. So once you start to let it sink in that this storm that has taken over your life is actually not a detour from "The Plan", an off-road accidental short cut that took you off the REAL road you're supposed to be driving down, but it is actually 100% right where you are supposed to be. You're supposed to fall down hard and cut your knee and cry because it hurts. You're supposed to get angry at a loving God who seems so bent on hurting you. You're supposed to feel. You're supposed to sit alone at night and hate what's happening.

But, you see, there's so much more. And we spend so much time neglecting that. I look at life and think: More. Because if you think of it any less of a way, what's the point? you're hurting and you're miserable and you hate your life- then just end it. what's the point of getting up in the morning if life is just life and you're just existing because you happen to be here and you might as well get what you can out of it while you're here.

I don't know how long I'll be in this storm. I can't see God's purpose for all of this pain being thrust upon me time and time again. I know it's there- I know He's got something in store for me... but I don't know when and I don't know what. I just know He's here with me through it all. That's faith, and that is something I have never lost and never will. Because it is a choice. And it is a practice. And no matter how close I get to death with all the mistakes I make and wrong turns I take, I choose life and freedom through the Son. I may lose my sanity at times, I may lose control of my actions, I may lose my good judgment, I may lose my zest for life, I may lose my joy..........but I will never lose faith. I believe in MORE.

Growing up is interesting when it comes to me in particular... because I am not necessarily the most independent 19-year-old you'll meet, and I am not by any means even close to being wise and mature like the people you look up to in your life, perhaps your parents, a pastor, a friend..whatever. But, for some reason, I find myself thinking and writing about "growing up" a lot. I talk about my "growing up"-ness all the time. I wonder if it's because certain people's words left me broken over their perception of my behavior, and I'm still trying to pick up the pieces by proving them all wrong. Somebody very close to me once told me I don't know anything about what it means to be an adult. And that hurt me very, very deeply for some reason. This was recent, by the way. The truth is, I was forced to grow up in certain ways before I was ready. And that left me very confused and very broken.

How does a 14-year old girl live with a disabled father? I mean...how does a *20* year old girl live with her disabled father? How?? They function like a 5 year old yet have the body of a 50 year old. Life like this forces one to grow up in ways they should not have to grow up in yet. But there's no stopping it and there's no going back. Ever.

My life for the past 6 years or so has brought me to where I am now- wondering so many things... so many questions. Important questions.

How do you not let your parents' disintegrating marriage get you down and keep you down? How do you stop it from ruling your thoughts on love and marriage and commitment and promises? How do you guard your heart from the despair of seeing your parents interact with utter hate? Love is.... my whole WORLD summed up in one word. Love is ALL that matters. Love is where peace and kindness and joy and friendship and trust and humility and hope flow from. God is love. And yet, the most sacred love of all between a married man and woman, is thrown to the wind before my very eyes. It's terrifying. It rips me apart every day and every night I live. Honestly.

How do you trust someone who lied to you and broke your heart? How do you trust men in general with your heart and your thoughts and feelings ever again, after someone you thought would never hurt you... goes and emotionally cheats on you and thinks he can get away with the lies and the deceit without getting caught?

How do I accept the shortcomings of others, while I have so many of my own, yet not let them own me and push me around?

How do I get you to listen, to really.. listen?

Growing up and becoming an adult isn't about knowing what to do when trouble erupts. Being an adult is about understanding that you may not have the answers or the ability to resolve the hard things that come our way... but striving to do the right thing, always. Being an adult doesn't mean your life appears perfect to everyone else. It doesn't mean you don't have a drinking problem, or an addiction, or broken relationships. It's about an understanding of life that only comes from living, from time, from trial and error, from our experiences, from making decisions and making choices. That's what being an adult means. I may be 20, but I've been through more than most 20-year-olds... I'd put money on that for sure. I used to not be ok with that. But I am now. Why? Because this storm is right where I'm supposed to be.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

"it's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah"

my dog of 13 years is dying and is being put to sleep in a couple weeks. sometimes when i come home at night and hear her tail wag against the carpet where she's lying, i just lay next to her and hug her and cry until my eyes dry up. i can't imagine her being gone. she's been the most loyal companion. ugh it kills me just thinking about it.

i just found out one of my best friends and my planned roommate for this fall isn't coming back to ISU because her parents won't let her. it's a total shock and neither of us saw this coming. now i'm roommate-less and wont have my best friend in my same major to be with me every day like we planned and were so excited about. i'm so upset, i haven't even begun to let it sink in completely.

my best friend here in wdm might be moving out to Colorado in the fall and living there. anybody else dear and special to me want to leave me? i mean, geez. i know this is just the kind of stuff that happens in life when you grow up and get older and friends get separated. all it means is you figure out ways to remain close even when far apart. ive had a lot of practice pretty much for the past 6 years of my life with that... doesnt make it any easier really, but, at least i know what to expect. i'm just really sad right now about everything.

not to mention i'm moving into a small apartment with my mom in a couple weeks, so my parents are actually separated pretty much and ill do the whole divorced kid thing now. even though theyre not officially divorced, it's basically the same situation.

I just don't know why God is letting all of this happen to me right now. I'm just gonna pray about it and trust in His will... i know everything will be ok... i'm just feeling all the sadness from it all, and i'm not sure how to go on like this. i have hope though.

"Well baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor, you know,
I used to live alone before I knew you
And I've seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It's a cold, it's a broken hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Well there was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show that to me, do you?
I remember when I moved in you
And the Holy Dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Hallelujah, hallelujah

Maybe there is a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew you
And it's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah..."

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Learning is not for the faint of heart.

I've been thinking, a lot. Here's the kind of stuff I've been throwin' around inside my brain.

do I feel like I'm behind because I dropped out of school for the semester? yes. am i still angry and bitter about my car accident happening the first week of classes? yes, i am still angry about the timing and bitter about how up in the air my injuries were following the wreck...because that's what caused me to have to withdrawal. If I could go back and change that, yes I would. I would have continued my education and already gotten a semester of classes in my new major under my belt. But now, I have to start this fall. That's ok though. I was refunded all of my money for the semester as of this week- and I can't tell you how amazing it felt to hold that piece of official paper from ISU in my hands, telling me all of the $2500 was my parent's money again. After so much crap I went through, I hated doing it, i absolutely HATED doing it...all the running around and getting these medical documents signed and seeing this doctor to get an official letter and having to explain over and over again what happened in the accident, and it finally paid off. All my hard work finally gets rewarded. Thank you God.

I may not have been studying for exams and writing essays and papers these past 4 months, but I have been learning about life. What is more important in the long run? Education, or Life? My answer is life, although education is very far up there. I have been taking tests of my own and writing important papers and seeing what grades I get for my work. I have failed several tests. I was surprised by some of these failing grades, I was hurt, I was upset. But in school, whenever I didn't do as well as I thought I would, I went through a short "grieving" process, then moved on and just tried to do better the next time. Thus is the way I must deal with life's failures. I've realized that just because things are not the way they OUGHT to be, in some perfect world with no sin and no pain and no shame, that it does *NOT* lessen my worth and value as a member of the human race and most importantly as a child of God. People like to think how things SHOULD be. How we OUGHT to act. That 2 + 2 ALWAYS equals 4 and if it doesn't, the world has ended. That not being where we think we're supposed to be, no matter what drives us to where we think we should be, somehow means we are inadequate, that we are the opposite of good, that we are in need of being rescued. Well, my journey through life has brought me to believe these are futile thoughts, aimless roads, and vain directions. There are no equations or formulas or scientific methods to get us to where we all desire to be and need to be.

Maybe this is easier for me to understand because of the way my mind works. My brain is heavily creative, artistic and abstract in its thought-process. I don't think in charts and graphs, or numbers and analytical geometry.

I've been failing a lot of tests lately, but unlike the Iowa State students who already had their final exams, MY final exam isn't set in stone yet. I still have time. I still have time to do extra credit and get more points and get my grade up to where I want it to be. Of course, I dont have all the time in the world... it's inevitably coming for me. But, I'm not going to freak out like I used to about these things. Maybe I am actually becoming an adult. That's my biggest test, if you haven't figured it out yet. And I'm trying to prepare for my final exam the best I can.

Sunday, May 04, 2008

"I may have lost my way now- haven't forgotten my way home." -lifehouse

Awesome night= good music, good fellowship, good coffee, good movie, good friends, good food, good weather, and GOOD conversation centered on GOD.

the good music was all thanks to James & James, the good fellowship came from spending quality time with Laura and all the other Salt go-ers who came to support James Squared, and the good coffee was compliments of Cafe Diem. The good movie was IRON MAN and I recommend it to anybody who likes action, comedy, and heroes. The good friends came from getting to spend the night around Zach, Aubrey, Steve and Mike. The good food came from deciding to go to Angie's Kitchen, this cute little breakfast place, at 2 a.m. and eating all the delicious breakfast foods you could think of (sausages, hash browns, eggs, omeletts, toast, french toast, etc.), and the good weather because it was a clear, pleasant evening- not too cold, not too hot, summer almost blowing into the midwest. the good conversation was the best part of the night. Zach, Aubs and I talked for what started out to be a little 10-minute thing, then turned into an hour and a half thing. The three of us have always had something special when we sit down and put our guards down and talk about what's going on and what's beneath the surface. It has been a while since all three of us had been able to do so, especially with me moving all over the place and changing locations and not being in school. But God brought us together again, and it was incredible what came from it. It pushed me to think about my goals for the next few months to come, and what I need to be working on and how I need to go about doing it. I honestly couldn't have gotten to this point of clarity amidst all the chaos in my life without the Lord speaking through Aubrey in such an encouraging, non-judgmental, loving way, and using Zach to really understand me and help me see the big picture and tell me I *CAN* do it. There's strength behind his words, and redemption behind Aubrey's. And that's all I really needed.

Friday, May 02, 2008

"I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive."

These are things I love:
Paramore, my chiropractor Kory, seeing friendships last 4 years already and continuing, the musical Wicked, smelling summer in the air, learning patience, learning how to say "No, I'm not going to do it your way just because you tell me to and expect it," designing a line of clothes inspired by Hayley Williams, and last but not least... Scrubs. yup.

I was thinking before I fell asleep last night about who of my friends are going to be where for the summer. We're getting older. Moving away and moving on with our lives is a natural part of growing up. Most of the original posse is going to be in or around the Des Moines area. But several people whom I love very much are going to be far away. We've got Jamie at Eagle Lake in Colorado, Foster in Colorado as well, Austin in Missouri for Kanakuk, my darling Bekah is in Chicago as well as Steve, Kiki and Rhonda. Bryce is also in Missouri. Mel will be moved to her dad's in Florida. Brek will be in Wisconsin. Adam is still in North Carolina. Other friends are spread around Iowa, like Laura back in her hometown, Scott and Angie in Dubuque, Austin and Noel in Muscatine, Andrew B. and Alex S. in Clarinda. My sister, Adam H., Lindsey, Josh & Steve, and Mac are all in Ames. I think that's everybody who's not in the Des Moines area for the summer.

I am definitely thankful that Aubrey, Cort, Zach, Sam, Jared, James, Mitch, Matt, Brian, Kayla, Mike & Sarah, Tim, and JR will all still be around (I believe that's correct). Maybe more, it's hard to remember everybody. I really do have a lot of friends. A lot of good, good friends.

I am ecstatic for B Barker's Westwind church to start up in June! Seriously ecstatic. I see good things coming from this church plant.

Time to go lay around and be lazy on a raindy day. Peace and love!

Monday, April 28, 2008

The world is not enough for me.

"You can take the world..... just give me You."

that's what I'm trying to live by every day. Because the world swallowed me up this semester, and let me tell you it is not the way to go. God is the only one we can count on NOT to let us down, not to hurt us, not to abandon us, not to damage us.

I didnt realize it, but I was living every day based on the acceptance of other people- even my very best friends. I wanted to be accepted and taken care of and loved, and that was it. Anything else went.

but the TRUTH is... I can still want those things- those are just universal things that all humans desire and need to live... but my ULTIMATE decision is to live every moment based on obeying, praising, glorifying, and living for the One who gave me life and has kept me alive this long, the One who loves my very inmost being and knows me more than anyone ever could.. my SAVIOR, my FATHER. Jesus Christ.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

my heart will go on and on

Cool. I'm just sitting here in my bed watching Titanic as my neck is numb and immobile at the time being because I am icing it. After seeing my Chiropractor today, I now must ice my neck every day and increase water intake to flush out toxins in the body. and I have the next 3 or 4 weeks already set up with weekly appointments with my chiropractor to get my back adjusted, to get muscle stem therapy, and have them monitor my neck and back trauma i received from my car accident back in January.

I'm also sitting here with this weird little mouth splint thing in my mouth, called an Aqualizer. My dentist gave it to me to wear for a couple hours at a time every day until my jaw pain stops. I have been having major, major jaw pain on my right side, horrible soreness all the time in the joint.. whenever i open my mouth to eat or yawn it just kills. So this splint they gave me is supposed to help with the soreness, because it makes it so my teeth are resting on these two little pillow-like bubbles, which decreases the pressure in my jaw and the pain. I hope that and taking advil three times a day like he told me to will do the job.

Oh, so. I've decided, that... I am probably never going to gain weight until I am pregnant. Seriously- me trying to gain weight is like trying to unite Democrats and REpublicans- it just won't happen. I have gotten smaller in like every area you can get smaller by losing weight, and I was already a toothpick to begin with. Blahhhh. Legs, stomach, arms, hips, blah. all of it.

i had a gift card for jordan creek town center that i got over Christmas, and I finally used it up today when I was back in West Des Moines! It was SO wonderful trying on billions of things and shopping and looking around and just being able to do something I havent been able to do for a very long time.... and still won't be able to do after this. I got 2 dresses from Forever 21 and a new hippie headwrap, a denim skirt, new sunglasses, and a really cute summer shirt from Delia's, and 2 new pairs of shoes from Payless. and i LOVE everything I got. And i really do look stunning wearing the stuff. yay. fashion! <3

im about to conk out. blah. night.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air...

I'm just gonna throw some questions out there.


...do our scars ever go away? i mean, really?

...how do we keep trusting when doing just that leaves a person hurt over and over again?

...how do you just STOP feeling a certain way? like trying to stop a powerful waterfall from rushing down a mountain the way it naturally always has... is it even possible?

...why do we judge other people when we KNOW as Christians it says in the Bible only GOD can judge us?

...why did God make guys and girls SO different from each other?

...how do you trust men after being cheated on, lied to, and torn down? honestly.....how.

...when do you know who your soulmate is, and what if you already think you know who it is? do you keep it to yourself? do you wait? do you tell them? do you let it pass you by? do you do nothing? how do you know it won't change someday?

Ok enough questions for now.

My neck is in bad shape again from car accident trauma. It's amazing how by not dealing with the emotional pain, it physically affects you so many weeks after you think you're done dealing with it. but really, by pushing it out of your mind and not processing it completely, you're just putting off the total recovery and total healing process. So I have weekly chiropractor appointments now back in West Des Moines when I go back for my other appointments every week. I can't wait to see my chiropractor tomorrow and start working on recovering fully!

blah.

call me a little angry, whatever.

"Hi, my name is ____ _______. I like to pretend I have your best interest in mind, but really I am just covering up how messed up my own life is and don't care one bit about yours. I also like to pretend I am one of the most righteous guys you'll ever come across, but really I am just a judgmental, narrow-minded LIAR who cheats on beautiful girls in order to assure myself that I am the shiz and they can't get enough of me, therefore I am in control and I get my way- which is really all I want. Do I feel bad about ruining their ability to trust men ever again? Most people probably would, but I am different, I am above all the rest, so no, I don't feel bad. I also really love to hear myself talk and, above all, be right. If someone interrupts me, I basically go ape-crazy on them and lose my temper and all gentleness I let you believe I have inside of me. Mostly, I just like to lead you to believe all these things I really am not, so when you figure out the truth, your life will pretty much be damaged forever and you're on your own to put it back together because I will somehow spin everything around to be ALL YOUR FAULT. I am one amazing guy, that's for sure. Have a great day. Love, ____ _______.

Monday, April 14, 2008

I'm alive

Random thoughts:

I've never loved a job or group of people at a job more than I do at the Ames Express. and I also never thought I would ever truly get to this point, but I find myself increasing in my love and passion for fashion and being an associate with Limited Brands. It's so awesome!!!

I always enjoy getting my haircut, and not just like trimmed or barely cut.. but like going from really long to a lot shorter and what not, just to change things up! So that's what I did a couple weeks ago w/ Bekah, butttttt I already want my hair to be the long length it was before.. I miss it and can't wait for it to grow out again!

I'm kind of becoming a hippie with my style. Basically all of Veishea week, I was dressed all hippie-ish, it was awesome haha.. I love the vibe and people come up to me and ask me about it- it's sweet.

I had an Associate Observation Assessment today at work and it went super great, and I'm learning even more about managing a business like Express. It's amazing to me how much goes on and how awesome it feels to be apart of something so special.

I'm really stressed out about things back in West Des Moines. Our glen oaks home is in foreclosure and we'll lose it in a few months, but we need to be out as soon as possible pretty much. It's not so much a sentimental attachment to the physical being of the house itself, more so just the fact that I will once again be living in a new place and the instability is kind of getting to me. I've pretty much given up on "living comfortably" as I used to know it.. I mean I wouldn't say I'm living UNcomfortably, but I'm definitely not living like I used to. I just wish I could know right NOW where I will actually be living come May. I pray my mom finds an afforadable appartment... ugh.

I've decided that after slipping on some responsible and good decisions this past week, I'm going to change that immediately and not go back to it again. I just came to this point, driving back to my house at like 5 am, exhausted, where I literally asked out loud- "what am I... doing?!" I believe that's what you call conviction from the Holy Spirit, and I'm glad that my God cares for me enough to get through to us in those ways. Anyway, the partying life is STRESSFUL and EXHAUSTING. My life is stressful and exhausting enough already- I can have fun without drinking, I did it for 19 years of my life and proved it.

I had a really helpful talk with Shelli tonight after I got home from work. She really, really, really helped me put something into perspective that has been hurting me a ton lately. It still hurts a lot, but at least I know I will be ok someday.

Withdrawing from this semester at ISU was the best choice I've ever made. I've really been learning how faithful God is in taking care of His children, and taking care of me. Broken, messed up, disastrous ME. I've seen how obeying His will and trusting in Him really does make everything fall into place just how it's meant to. Like how withdrawing allowed me to focus on recovering from my car accident, and learning how to spend time taking care of myself and grow, and how to be free from the chains of lies that were holding me down in darkness. Withdrawing also led to freedom from a destructive relationship, as well as finding an amazing new friend and sister and future roommate. Withdrawing ALSO led to me discovering a new career direction and educational path- the fashion design industry.

basically, i love life.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

fourweeks.

And here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back
These words and hold our breath
Forget the things we swore we meant

I'll write you just to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

And here we go again
With all the things we did
And now I'm wondering
Just who would I have been
To be the one attached at all time to your hip
Forget the things we swore we meant

I'll write you just to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

I'll write you to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

Here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back...
-Paramore




Yeah.

Friday, April 04, 2008

threeweeksandoneday

I usually remember dreams and nightmares in vivid detail, ever since I was just a wee little Emily. I wouldn't say any of my nightmares were "night terrors" or anything of that sort. I know I went through a phase growing up in which I was deathly afraid of our basement downstairs (in our old house) and I thought there were monsters whenever the lights were turned off in my room. However, I would conquer those fears by changing which bunk I slept on. Yeah. I had a sweet red bunk bed when I was little. And I geniously thought, that if I slept on the top bunk the monsters wouldn't be able to reach me- so I was in the clear and could sleep soundly. When I got a little older, I reasoned that monsters are actually very tall creatures and therefore would not see me if I were to sleep on the BOTTOM bunk, so I switched and eventually got over the fear of the dark and pretend monsters.

I've never really had that dream where you're falling. I've never had the dream when all your family members die. I've never had violent, bloody nightmares really.

But the past two nights, I have experienced the most terrifying nightmares I've ever had. Wednesday night, I actually woke up several times from the nightmares- one time I had tears flowing down my face. Another time I actually YELLED "no!!!!!!" really loud and then quickly realized it wasn't just in my sleep, but I had actually yelled out loud in terror, then I tried to fall back asleep. Then another time I awoke in a cold sweat. Over and over again, I dreamt of my car accident that occurred on January 16th this year.

Starting with the initial realization and feelings of your motor vehicle sliding out of control and fishtailing back and forth on a snowy interstate going 55 m.p.h. Then the wave of momentum that spun my car in a 360 degree turn, staring out my windshield at the semi-truck coming straight at me. 2 seconds later, the crunch, the deafening sound of metal on metal and seeing car parts flying off the front of my car. My car sliding to a hault right before smashing into the concrete guardrail in the middle of the interstate. Not being able to move for a minute, because I thought I had died. Then screaming and crying at the same time, becoming totally aware I was all alone. Somebody running over to my car. Not being able to open my driver's side door more than an inch because of the damage. This guy asking me over and over again if I was ok. Me looking at him and not really being aware that I kept saying, yeah, yeah i'm fine, i'm ok. Looking at this person and realizing he was not my sister or a friend or my mom and then immediately reaching for my cell phone to call them. My heat didnt work. The snow was falling outside and I began to shiver and didn't have anything for extra heat. I saw the semi-truck about a fourth of a mile down the interstate on the shoulder. I thought, did that thing just hit me? Traffic had slowed and cars were moving past me on the interstate, staring in at me as they passed, and I thought back to all the times I've driven by a car wreck and been the slowly moving car peering at the car wreck victims wondering what happened and if they were going to be ok.

The semi-truck moving fast. Trying to slow down. the hit. the sound. the silence and blur of what happened exactly after the collision. I have no idea what my body did or any memory whatsoever of the moment after it happened. I don't remember how my car slid from point A in the far left lane to point B on the median shoulder 30 feet ahead. Somewhere in there, my muscles tightened and didnt release until 1 month of physical therapy went by.

The past two nights I've been suffering in my sleep from these visions of terror. I woke up last night actually gasping out of fear of thinking a truck was actually going to smash into me in my sleep. I've been having pounding, migraine-like headaches and neckaches that might make me have to get more physical therapy. I guess trauma can come back to the body after it's "gone away" for a while.

I want my nightmares to stop. :(

Friday, March 28, 2008

Day6//2WeeksAnd1Day

I love when things turn out so much better than you could have ever thought they would turn out. I love that people we meet at the beginning surprise us in the middle and end up nowhere near what you thought of them at the beginning.

My college fling during my freshman year was with a boy that seemed perfect for me at first, but it didn't end up working out. I was very heartbroken over this (but in retrospect, I probably shouldn't have been AS hurt). For many months I was heartbroken... but I knew God had more in store for us, I just knew in my heart I had to just endure the heartache for the time being and wait for what's next. So, we continued being friends and grew closer over the months after we decided not to be boyfriend-girlfriend, even through the 3 months of summer break when he went back to his home in Chicago and I was in West Des Moines. And when we came back to ISU in the fall, it was like we picked up right where we left off and grew even closer. Over the past 6 months, we went through that whole thing where.. some rough things are going on for one of the friends, and the other friend is there for the struggling friend.. and by doing that the two friends have an even closer bond because of what they went through together.

The thing about this guy is that he is one of my friends that doesn't really choose to follow Christ. He believes in God and grew up going to church with his family and has good foundational beliefs, but anything beyond that is non-existent. He is also one of those guys that watches ESPN all day every day and knows every football and basketball player's names and stats and everything in the sports realm. Not exactly my cup of tea. I play sports vigorously and have always been a natural athlete, but that's all. He isn't loud and dominating. He sometimes is surprised when I go in for a hug. He doesn't get upset often, he doesn't show much emotion...ever, and we can go hours of sitting on the futon together watching a movie or tv and not say a word to each other.. but that's just how we are. that's just how HE is. talking about what's going on in our lives comes in small bursts, slowly. he's very even-tempered. knows how to fix just about anything. sharp as a nail. but laughs at the silly, stupid things i say and do and sarcastically jokes back and forth with me at every chance he can get. you might say we are polar opposites with a couple things in common. and somehow, he is one of my best friends i count extremely important and would do just about anything for.

And I never would have thought one year and 6 months later, we would be how we are.

Saturday, March 22, 2008

"With my wide eyes, I've seen worlds that don't belong... Tell me why we live like this."

So Jenny helped me figure out a really big part of who I am. First off, I fall perfectly into a category that is very common to youngest children who have or have had an alcoholic parent while growing up- always feeling like I have to help, always feeling like everyone else’s burdens are MY burdens. This is held ever so true for me, all my life. I never thought about how having an alcoholic parent when I was so young actually affected who I am to this day. It’s amazing how the way I am fits EXACTLY the characteristics that studies have found to be true over and over again with kids like me.

Then we talked about molds. Jenny told me that just by hearing me speak and talk to her, she can tell I’m an intelligent person (phew! good to know), she said that’s very evident. But she then said that whenever I’ve been talking about school things, it seemed very, very… forced. And she asked me why and what I thought about that. In my head at first I was like, pshh.. forced? whatever i'm a total school nerd... and then I realized that was totally false. I answered, “because I want to please other people.” She said, “it seems you try to fit into this certain mold that you really don’t fit into at all.” I’ve always thought that I had to be the A and B college student that breezes through school and excels in mostly everything and stays on track the whole time, stays clean and organized and always has an ambitious direction in mind. But you know what? That isn’t me at all. This whole time I’ve been disappointed in myself for failing a test or having a hard time in classes, and it’s because I was trying to be somebody I’m actually not. My whole life I have tried to fit into my sister’s mold, the way she’s always been with her place in our family- she, being the oldest, was thrust into the successful, achieving, independent, moving on with her own life type of mold. While I, as the youngest, am really not like that at all, but thought I had to be like that too… I thought I SHOULD be, and if I’m not like that I’m just a disappointment and have no worth.

That ties into the biggest thing I discovered. I have certain patterns in my life that have to do with disappointment. In my relationships with people especially, but also with all other aspects of my life. When I feel someone is disappointed in me, I take it in such a way that makes me get upset and overwhelmed, maybe angry, and ultimately I take ACTION and DO something as a result of feeling the weight of that disappointment. The same goes when I am disappointed in myself. I feel like I let people down and so I have to take the responsibility of punishing myself- that’s where my extreme behavior from the past 6 months came in and took over. I also have patterns of taking ownership of things I am not meant to own. When I know that somebody is upset or angry with me, or if something is wrong between us, I completely take it as my own failure, and it’s all my fault, it’s something I did and that’s all. I take full ownership of those problems ALL on my own shoulders. But the truth is, it’s not all my fault. Relationships are two-way streets and there is never an instance where I’m supposed to own everything that’s wrong and take it in and fix it myself.

This is the most interesting part.

Jenny asked me what do I value, and she was going to write down and just make a list of what I said. So, I told her these exact things- trust, honesty, love, faithfulness, joy, laughter, truth, kindness, loyalty, humility, hope, generosity. Then she asked me to think of instances in my life where I feel that heavy disappointment, things other than just in my relationships with people. So I used an example of getting a bad grade on a test or in a class, or even… having to drop out of college for this semester. (Months ago when problems first began, Jenny asked me what would be the worst thing that would happen. I said, "having to quit school." Look what happened.) I feel like I disappointed my parents, and myself. Like… I’m such a failure. And after listing off my values, she then asked me, “ok now where in your values does a bad grade or not being in school fit in?” And I thought for a moment…. Then it hit me, and I said, “it doesn’t.” So every time I hit a speed bump in life, particularly when I go through times of being physically sick and unwell, and I am lying in bed thinking, “I can’t get out of bed today,” or when I feel depression consuming who I am- I have to remind myself what my values are. Hope. Trust. Love. And then turn them into sentences-- I’m going to LOVE myself by getting up and making breakfast. I’m going to HOPE that if I just keep going things will get better. I’m going to TRUST myself that I AM capable of taking care of myself, I’m NOT helpless and powerless and going to let other people dictate my life for me... like I have for mostly all of my teenage and young adult years so far. Get it????

Another huge part of who I am. Because of these patterns I have, this makes me prefer the “beginnings” of things in my life, not necessarily the middles or ends. Because there’s no disappointment at the start of something new for me- I feed off of the challenge and the risk and the high energy and excitement that exist in the beginnings of things in my life. That is why all my life I jump from thing to thing, whether it be a job or where I live or what I do, or whatever. When I no longer have what I had in the beginning, especially when disappointment and those associated feelings enter in, I either quit and say no I’m done with this, or I go and withdrawal and isolate myself to kind of get me prepared to go back into it, but eventually…… I will change things… eventually it makes me ACT… and this makes me constantly want to be in another place in my life, so that I can have those “starts”, those “beginnings”, the freshness that comes along with it.

With my relationships though, those are very different. Because of what I value most about myself (trust, honesty, love, joy, laughter, loyalty, etc), this makes my interactions and relationships with people around me the most prominent part of what makes me who I am. Nowhere in what I listed as my values does it say “success” or “achievements” or “money” or “career” or “education” or anything like that. But in the ways that I love, share laughter, show loyalty to friends, am honest and trustworthy with people, that’s where I find value and worth in myself and my life. I think that’s why I will pretty much do anything to stay committed to people whether a boyfriend or a friendship or whatever…. And that holds true even if they don’t deserve my commitment. Does that make sense? I’m saying, sometimes I do it at the cost of… myself. Like if I’m in a bad relationship, I will hold onto it even when it’s destructive to my own life. I was explaining to Jenny how I just hate having tension between people, like it seriously makes me physically cringe knowing that someone might be angry or upset with me. And she let me say that and then quietly stopped me and said, “Emily. Sometimes people don’t deserve you to fix the relationship.” And I didn’t get it at first. I was like, no, I want to try my hardest to make sure things are good and sustained. And she was like, “ok. But, sometimes it’s best to just cut something off for good- because that person does not deserve you.” That was eye-opening for me. I will do anything to keep the peace and harmony in my relationships with people, anything to NOT disappoint, anything to help (characteristics of children with alcoholic parent). I will do anything to keep it together (so I do not get abandoned, my biggest fear, and so I do not lose value and worth in myself from not being loving, not being loyal, not being joyful, not being faithful in my relationships).

It’s crazy to me how this is all coming together in my mind, and my heart. I thought I had myself figured out so many times prior to this, and here I am still learning so much more than I ever imagined. There will be so many times in the future I will learn more about myself too, I’m finally letting that sink in. It’s great to know yourself the way you were made to be. It isn't pretty all the time and a lot of the times it's pretty messy, but hey at least i'm not boring. To keep increasing in knowledge of who you are, it brings great peace to one’s soul.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Restoration.

Thank you Jared White for showing this to me-

Psalm 71

1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame.

2 Rescue me and deliver me in your righteousness;
turn your ear to me and save me.

3 Be my rock of refuge,
to which I can always go;
give the command to save me,
for you are my rock and my fortress.

4 Deliver me, O my God, from the hand of the wicked,
from the grasp of evil and cruel men.

5 For you have been my hope, O Sovereign LORD,
my confidence since my youth.

6 From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.

7 I have become like a portent to many,
but you are my strong refuge.

8 My mouth is filled with your praise,
declaring your splendor all day long.

9 Do not cast me away when I am old;
do not forsake me when my strength is gone.

10 For my enemies speak against me;
those who wait to kill me conspire together.

11 They say, "God has forsaken him;
pursue him and seize him,
for no one will rescue him."

12 Be not far from me, O God;
come quickly, O my God, to help me.

13 May my accusers perish in shame;
may those who want to harm me
be covered with scorn and disgrace.

14 But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise you more and more.

15 My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of your salvation all day long,
though I know not its measure.

16 I will come and proclaim your mighty acts, O Sovereign LORD;
I will proclaim your righteousness, yours alone.

17 Since my youth, O God, you have taught me,
and to this day I declare your marvelous deeds.

18 Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
till I declare your power to the next generation,
your might to all who are to come.

19 Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
you who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like you?

20 Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
you will again bring me up.

21 You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

22 I will praise you with the harp
for your faithfulness, O my God;
I will sing praise to you with the lyre,
O Holy One of Israel.

23 My lips will shout for joy
when I sing praise to you—
I, whom you have redeemed.

24 My tongue will tell of your righteous acts
all day long,
for those who wanted to harm me
have been put to shame and confusion.