"Hey my friend, it seems your eyes are troubled
care to share your time with me?
would you say you're feeling low and so
a good idea would be to get it off of your mind?
see you and me have a better time than most can dream
have it better than the best
so can pull on through
whatever tears at us, whatever holds us down
and if nothing can be done
we'll make the best of what's around.
turns out not where but who you're with that really matters, that really matters
and hurts not much when you're around, when you're around
and if you hold on tight to what you think is your thing
you may find you're missing all the rest.
She ran up into the light. Her mind's eye is
seeing things from a better side than most can dream
on a clearer road I feel, oh you could say she's safe.
hold on..... we'll make the best of what's around."
--Dave Matthews Band
Friday, March 30, 2007
I hate this.
I’ve been sitting here for 10 minutes, just staring at the screen in front of me. I can’t think of words to use for this situation. All I can think of is how I feel. And I don’t feel good. I feel pain, deep inside my heart. I feel pain for their family. The pain stretches throughout my entire body it seems like. I can’t really feel my legs or my arms right now, they’re kind of numb. Everything around me is still and quiet, even with Guster blaring from my laptop as I type this. My eyes are heavy, and they burn every now and then as tears brim over at random times. I feel trance-like. My brain seems to be processing at a slower pace than normal. I’m breathing steadily, but my breaths feel shallow.
At dinner tonight, I felt like everyone was moving in slow motion around me. I was just sitting there, but I didn’t feel like I was actually there. I watched people walk by my table and walk through the lines in the UDCC, gathering food for their meals. I watched them sit at their tables and talk to their friends. Every time I saw a person walk by, I wondered if they would someday decide to end their lives like he did. I wondered if they were depressed right now. I wondered if they felt hopeless enough to bring death upon themselves, to bring pain upon their bodies, unnecessary and terrible pain. With each person who passed by, I wondered if their smiles were hiding something, or if their smiles were just smiles. I wondered if their eyes always looked so empty, so lifeless. I felt better when I saw eyes full of life and hope every now and then. But some people made me wonder. I wondered if their eyes were true reflections of their hearts, or if they were misleading. Suicide is just another statistic now that we have to grow up being aware of, and it’s another statistic we have to stand up to and beat down. I just couldn’t stop thinking if the person I just watched walk away would wake up tomorrow and decide life wasn’t worth living. I couldn’t stop thinking if the person I just watched get ketchup for their fries would be a wife to her husband and a mother to her kids one day, and then wake up one day at the age of 55 and just end it all. I wondered if she would shoot her brain stem out, and die from suffocation, or hang herself, or overdose on pain medications, or (insert way of killing yourself here).
Suicide makes me sad. I am overcome with sadness right now. You could almost call it sorrow. I feel so much pain for them. I’m mad. I’m mad that people give up when there's still hope but they just can't see it. I’m sad. I’m so sad it happened. I’m frustrated no one prevented this from happening. I hate suicide. I hate it. I'm so, so sad.
At dinner tonight, I felt like everyone was moving in slow motion around me. I was just sitting there, but I didn’t feel like I was actually there. I watched people walk by my table and walk through the lines in the UDCC, gathering food for their meals. I watched them sit at their tables and talk to their friends. Every time I saw a person walk by, I wondered if they would someday decide to end their lives like he did. I wondered if they were depressed right now. I wondered if they felt hopeless enough to bring death upon themselves, to bring pain upon their bodies, unnecessary and terrible pain. With each person who passed by, I wondered if their smiles were hiding something, or if their smiles were just smiles. I wondered if their eyes always looked so empty, so lifeless. I felt better when I saw eyes full of life and hope every now and then. But some people made me wonder. I wondered if their eyes were true reflections of their hearts, or if they were misleading. Suicide is just another statistic now that we have to grow up being aware of, and it’s another statistic we have to stand up to and beat down. I just couldn’t stop thinking if the person I just watched walk away would wake up tomorrow and decide life wasn’t worth living. I couldn’t stop thinking if the person I just watched get ketchup for their fries would be a wife to her husband and a mother to her kids one day, and then wake up one day at the age of 55 and just end it all. I wondered if she would shoot her brain stem out, and die from suffocation, or hang herself, or overdose on pain medications, or (insert way of killing yourself here).
Suicide makes me sad. I am overcome with sadness right now. You could almost call it sorrow. I feel so much pain for them. I’m mad. I’m mad that people give up when there's still hope but they just can't see it. I’m sad. I’m so sad it happened. I’m frustrated no one prevented this from happening. I hate suicide. I hate it. I'm so, so sad.
Monday, March 26, 2007
Mama said think before speaking...
So let me tell you something else that I'm "finding."
I have a big mouth. I do. And a lot of times it's even a big, stupid mouth. Everyone who would call themselves a friend of mine, or, anyone who knows me, can all agree that I'm a generally loud person. Well.. let me clarify. I'm loud in social situations. Like when I'm with a big group of people and/or participating in a social activity, or whatever you'd like to call it. But not only am I just loud. I was walking up the stairs to get back to my room tonight, and the entire climb I was thinking about how much of a big mouth I have. A big, loud, stupid mouth. I don't think before I say things. I just say it. I don't think at all, I just want to get the sentence out of my mouth and out of my head the second it enters, without any processing. And it's not like I say mean things when I blurt things out without thinking. No, that's not my problem. I KNOW some people who have a problem with that and that's not me. I am totally aware of people's feelings when I say something, but, I always seem to say something at the wrong time or to the wrong person or whatever, and it's always because I don't think about it before I say it. OR, I think way, way, WAY too much about something before I say it, and then it all comes out totally not the way I originally intended it to come out because my original thoughts get all skewed and messed up when I over-think things. So, I either don't think at all, or I think way too much, therefore I end up saying something completely stupid, ridiculous, or just something that I don't really mean at all. It's vicious. Gets me every time it seems..
One of my favorite oldies of John Mayer's Room For Squares album can pretty much explain my thoughts right now.
I have a big mouth. I do. And a lot of times it's even a big, stupid mouth. Everyone who would call themselves a friend of mine, or, anyone who knows me, can all agree that I'm a generally loud person. Well.. let me clarify. I'm loud in social situations. Like when I'm with a big group of people and/or participating in a social activity, or whatever you'd like to call it. But not only am I just loud. I was walking up the stairs to get back to my room tonight, and the entire climb I was thinking about how much of a big mouth I have. A big, loud, stupid mouth. I don't think before I say things. I just say it. I don't think at all, I just want to get the sentence out of my mouth and out of my head the second it enters, without any processing. And it's not like I say mean things when I blurt things out without thinking. No, that's not my problem. I KNOW some people who have a problem with that and that's not me. I am totally aware of people's feelings when I say something, but, I always seem to say something at the wrong time or to the wrong person or whatever, and it's always because I don't think about it before I say it. OR, I think way, way, WAY too much about something before I say it, and then it all comes out totally not the way I originally intended it to come out because my original thoughts get all skewed and messed up when I over-think things. So, I either don't think at all, or I think way too much, therefore I end up saying something completely stupid, ridiculous, or just something that I don't really mean at all. It's vicious. Gets me every time it seems..
One of my favorite oldies of John Mayer's Room For Squares album can pretty much explain my thoughts right now.
My stupid mouth has got me in trouble
I said too much again
To a date over dinner yesterday
And I could see she was offended
She said well anyway..
just dying for a subject change.
Oh, another social casualty
Score one more for me
How could I forget?
Mama said think before speaking
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do?
I guess he better find one soon
We bit our lips
She looked out the window
Rolling tiny balls of napkin paper
I played a quick game of chess
with the salt and pepper shaker
And I could see clearly
An indelible line was drawn
Between what was good,
what just slipped out,
and what went wrong
Oh, the way she feels about me has changed
Thanks for playing, try again
How could I forget?
Mama said think before speaking
No filter in my head
Oh, what's a boy to do?
I guess he better find one
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
Starting now
One more thing
Why is it my fault?
So maybe I try too hard
But it's all because of this desire
I just wanna be liked, just wanna be funny
Looks like the joke's on me
So call me Captain Backfire
I'm never speaking up again
It only hurts me
I'd rather be a mystery than she desert me
Oh I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
I'm never speaking up again
Starting now
Starting now
---
pick me up, love
3/24/07
I am finding that it doesn’t matter where you are when it comes to dealing with life and people and things. It doesn’t matter what city you’re in, what state you’re in, or even what country you’re in. The thing that does matter is that you’re the one who is living in that city, or residing in that state, or within that country’s borders. Where you are doesn’t change what’s going on in your life. It doesn’t change the fact that there are difficult people you’re going to have to deal with, or the fact that there are going to be hard issues that come up, forcing you to make big decisions and think much more than you’d really like to. Your location is temporary, really. Just like most relationships and friendships, jobs, and other things of this world that all people have, naturally. Locations change, people change, your situation changes- but you’re always going to have relationship problems, and hopefully, resolutions that come after the problems. You’re always going to have hard situations come up. Maybe it’s a health disorder, maybe it’s a career decision, or maybe it’s a moral issue. Whatever it is, it will stay with you no matter how many places you move, no matter how many cities you leave, and no matter how many new cities you arrive in. It doesn’t matter how many “vacations” you take, whether it be a cruise out of the country, or just a couple hundred miles away from your place of residence at that time. You can try to escape your problems, you can try to get away from certain people, you can try to move on from reputations you want to leave in the past… but you can never really escape, you can never really get away for good, and you can never truly move on and leave things in the past. Unless… YOU make a change, on the inside. It’s not the places you go to solve an issue, it’s not where you are when problems arise, it’s what goes on inside of your head and inside your heart that matter. Because, the fact is, you can never really escape yourself. You are you, and you’re always going to be you. Things about you can change, of course, but at the end of the day you’re still you. You are the one that’s in one city today and you’re also the one in the next city tomorrow- the common factor in all of these is the “you.” It’s not what goes on around you that matters in the end, it’s you. It’s what is going on inside of you. Your surroundings have significant affects on your life, as well as the people you surround yourself with, and what you do with your surroundings. They all affect you somehow. But I’m finding that, in the end, none of those things truly change you without something inside of you changing first. Maybe changing your location is something that gives you a fresh perspective. Maybe you spend most of your life in the
Thursday, March 22, 2007
i will stand, i will stand, when everything falls away
Yesterday was wonderful, for these reasons:
1. lunch with Ben, and smoothie time before class
2. class with Kate and Ben
3. soccer with my sista outside by college of design
4. gilmore girls and white cheddar cheese popcorn
5. dinner with Jamie
6. running into Mel, Steve and Brek
7. Sam spontaneously driving up to Ames and visiting me
8. working out at the rec for an hour and a half with Kayla!
9. haha, the steam roooooom
10. running into JR, Ben, Carl, and Derek all at the rec
11. Kayla and I's attempt to throw stuff at Zach's window and run away...
12. getting caught
13. hanging out with Zach in his room, listening to Haste the Day
14. Sam came by, JR cooked a pizza, and we all enjoyed Duncan's brownies.. freakin delicious.
15. checking out JR's piranhas in his room- Giovanni, Gumby, and Bryan (hahahaha)
16. Zach made me give him a piggyback ride... I only made it 10 feet down the hallway.
17. then he gave me a piggyback ride, down the four flights of stairs all the way back to his room haha.
18. the walk home, vanilla cloves- my asian friend giving me his last one. aww.
and good news, Kayla and I are working out again tonight. CAN'T wait! :-)
1. lunch with Ben, and smoothie time before class
2. class with Kate and Ben
3. soccer with my sista outside by college of design
4. gilmore girls and white cheddar cheese popcorn
5. dinner with Jamie
6. running into Mel, Steve and Brek
7. Sam spontaneously driving up to Ames and visiting me
8. working out at the rec for an hour and a half with Kayla!
9. haha, the steam roooooom
10. running into JR, Ben, Carl, and Derek all at the rec
11. Kayla and I's attempt to throw stuff at Zach's window and run away...
12. getting caught
13. hanging out with Zach in his room, listening to Haste the Day
14. Sam came by, JR cooked a pizza, and we all enjoyed Duncan's brownies.. freakin delicious.
15. checking out JR's piranhas in his room- Giovanni, Gumby, and Bryan (hahahaha)
16. Zach made me give him a piggyback ride... I only made it 10 feet down the hallway.
17. then he gave me a piggyback ride, down the four flights of stairs all the way back to his room haha.
18. the walk home, vanilla cloves- my asian friend giving me his last one. aww.
and good news, Kayla and I are working out again tonight. CAN'T wait! :-)
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
march madness indeed
Well, I think an update is in order. I've been terrible at writing in this thing lately... oops.
In the health category, the past month has not been my favorite, to say the least. I had "early-on insomnia" (what my doctor called it) for about 3 weeks. When I finally began to get that under control, my kidney stone problems decided to act up quite a bit and have been going on for 2 weeks now or so. I went to the doctor over my spring break (last week), and ended up getting 2 shots- meningitis (should have gotten this last summer), and gardisil (for cervical cancer prevention.. gotta love being a girl). I also had blood drawn and, my favorite, gave a nice little urine sample. I was sort of hoping one of those results would explain my constant pain from kidney problems and such, but, that all came back COMPLETELY normal (whatever...). However, I get back to ISU and my first day back I get a call from my doctor with my lab results, saying that I might have something called "Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome"-- which made my day for sure. No.. on the contrary, I almost had a meltdown when I found out. Like I really need some other medical condition on my plate right now- it's already full as it is, do I really need another disorder dealing with "down there", which is oh so pleasant let me tell you, and do I really need another reason to get more tests... which means more doctors... more uncomfortable prodding and poking... more ultrasounds... more pills... more decisions that will affect the rest of my life and my well-being!
it's all too much. certainly too much for me to handle right now. but this is the reality of life for me right now, i have to deal with this stuff. so i'm going to, and i'll try to do it with a perspective that when this is all done and over- all the pain and the stress will be forgotten and i will be better because of the strength it took me to get through it all. There's only thing that REALLY bothers me about the possibility of having PCOS. How can I explain this... ok.. I'm young and I'm one of the few young adults out there who is not sexually active and will remain that way until i'm married, which means there really is NO need for me to get a "pap smear" (seriously... why) , or go see a gynecologist, have doctors "all up in my grill" (if you know what i'm sayin) and make sure i'm "OK" down there. Of course I'll understand when I need to do these necessary things when I'm ready to have kids- but right now? freshman in college? i don't think so. And why I'm bothered, is because the only way to know if I have PCOS is to do exactly what I just told you I don't want to do. Lame. At the end of this phone call from my doctor, she was kind of like- so what do you want to do?..... haha, I was like "well i'm still kind of taking this all in, so.. uh, I'm gonna talk to my mom and figure this out."
I'm trying to stay light-hearted about it. I use humor as a defense mechanism whenever I feel like there's a possibility I might be "attacked" about any of my "health problems"... and attacked can be used loosely- meaning, questioned about it in any way, or even worse- when i'm talking to someone and they DON'T ask me about it. I feel uncomfortable, so, in defense, I humorously mention something regarding my disease, disorder, condition- whatever. It's weird. I've recently realized that I do this, even though I've been doing it now for 5 years or so.. ever since the kidney stone disease was first diagnosed. So i'm trying to stay light-hearted about this new syndrome, as well as with the others, but, I can't say right now that I'm content. I'm just not. And... that's just me being honest. I'm not in a place right now where I can say that amidst all these health problems that affect me emotionally and psychologically, as well as physically, I'm ok with everything. because... darn it, I'm just not. But i'm trying to not complain. I'm trying soooooooooo hard. Usually it just ends up in me not saying ANYTHING. which, in the end, just doesn't work for me, because then I feel like I can't express myself, and I get all in a tizzy about that because i'm all about expressing myself, especially through using words whether in speaking or writing. In conclusion, I don't know, I guess I just need to talk to God about all this because I haven't lately and so I don't have much clarity about the situation and I feel all messed up inside because of it. So, that's where I'm at right now.
I got a job yesterday. WOOO! Seriously- big answer to prayer for my family. I am a tutor for America Reads/America Counts, so I will help elementary kids learn how to read and do math :-). I basically walked into the interview feeling very prepared and confident, and answered all her questions perfectly and with ease. It was great, really. It's because this job is seriously the most perfect job in the world for a person like me. I absolutely LOVE kids, I love to help them and I have a huge heart for them. I have a great passion for being a good role model to younger kids, I love to read, I'm patient with kids, and I have a huge desire to help kids learn how to believe in themselves- so they think they CAN achieve something, and so they WILL achieve it. I definitely believe that's a huge part of learning. Having someone believe in you and help you along the way is a great way to help secure a better future for someone who may not think they can get there.
I'm gonna go play soccer with Erin outside for a little.... it's so nice out, i just have to get out and enjoy it. I'll write more later. Lots to catch up on.
In the health category, the past month has not been my favorite, to say the least. I had "early-on insomnia" (what my doctor called it) for about 3 weeks. When I finally began to get that under control, my kidney stone problems decided to act up quite a bit and have been going on for 2 weeks now or so. I went to the doctor over my spring break (last week), and ended up getting 2 shots- meningitis (should have gotten this last summer), and gardisil (for cervical cancer prevention.. gotta love being a girl). I also had blood drawn and, my favorite, gave a nice little urine sample. I was sort of hoping one of those results would explain my constant pain from kidney problems and such, but, that all came back COMPLETELY normal (whatever...). However, I get back to ISU and my first day back I get a call from my doctor with my lab results, saying that I might have something called "Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome"-- which made my day for sure. No.. on the contrary, I almost had a meltdown when I found out. Like I really need some other medical condition on my plate right now- it's already full as it is, do I really need another disorder dealing with "down there", which is oh so pleasant let me tell you, and do I really need another reason to get more tests... which means more doctors... more uncomfortable prodding and poking... more ultrasounds... more pills... more decisions that will affect the rest of my life and my well-being!
it's all too much. certainly too much for me to handle right now. but this is the reality of life for me right now, i have to deal with this stuff. so i'm going to, and i'll try to do it with a perspective that when this is all done and over- all the pain and the stress will be forgotten and i will be better because of the strength it took me to get through it all. There's only thing that REALLY bothers me about the possibility of having PCOS. How can I explain this... ok.. I'm young and I'm one of the few young adults out there who is not sexually active and will remain that way until i'm married, which means there really is NO need for me to get a "pap smear" (seriously... why) , or go see a gynecologist, have doctors "all up in my grill" (if you know what i'm sayin) and make sure i'm "OK" down there. Of course I'll understand when I need to do these necessary things when I'm ready to have kids- but right now? freshman in college? i don't think so. And why I'm bothered, is because the only way to know if I have PCOS is to do exactly what I just told you I don't want to do. Lame. At the end of this phone call from my doctor, she was kind of like- so what do you want to do?..... haha, I was like "well i'm still kind of taking this all in, so.. uh, I'm gonna talk to my mom and figure this out."
I'm trying to stay light-hearted about it. I use humor as a defense mechanism whenever I feel like there's a possibility I might be "attacked" about any of my "health problems"... and attacked can be used loosely- meaning, questioned about it in any way, or even worse- when i'm talking to someone and they DON'T ask me about it. I feel uncomfortable, so, in defense, I humorously mention something regarding my disease, disorder, condition- whatever. It's weird. I've recently realized that I do this, even though I've been doing it now for 5 years or so.. ever since the kidney stone disease was first diagnosed. So i'm trying to stay light-hearted about this new syndrome, as well as with the others, but, I can't say right now that I'm content. I'm just not. And... that's just me being honest. I'm not in a place right now where I can say that amidst all these health problems that affect me emotionally and psychologically, as well as physically, I'm ok with everything. because... darn it, I'm just not. But i'm trying to not complain. I'm trying soooooooooo hard. Usually it just ends up in me not saying ANYTHING. which, in the end, just doesn't work for me, because then I feel like I can't express myself, and I get all in a tizzy about that because i'm all about expressing myself, especially through using words whether in speaking or writing. In conclusion, I don't know, I guess I just need to talk to God about all this because I haven't lately and so I don't have much clarity about the situation and I feel all messed up inside because of it. So, that's where I'm at right now.
I got a job yesterday. WOOO! Seriously- big answer to prayer for my family. I am a tutor for America Reads/America Counts, so I will help elementary kids learn how to read and do math :-). I basically walked into the interview feeling very prepared and confident, and answered all her questions perfectly and with ease. It was great, really. It's because this job is seriously the most perfect job in the world for a person like me. I absolutely LOVE kids, I love to help them and I have a huge heart for them. I have a great passion for being a good role model to younger kids, I love to read, I'm patient with kids, and I have a huge desire to help kids learn how to believe in themselves- so they think they CAN achieve something, and so they WILL achieve it. I definitely believe that's a huge part of learning. Having someone believe in you and help you along the way is a great way to help secure a better future for someone who may not think they can get there.
I'm gonna go play soccer with Erin outside for a little.... it's so nice out, i just have to get out and enjoy it. I'll write more later. Lots to catch up on.
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