The world is not enough for me.

"You can take the world..... just give me You."

that's what I'm trying to live by every day. Because the world swallowed me up this semester, and let me tell you it is not the way to go. God is the only one we can count on NOT to let us down, not to hurt us, not to abandon us, not to damage us.

I didnt realize it, but I was living every day based on the acceptance of other people- even my very best friends. I wanted to be accepted and taken care of and loved, and that was it. Anything else went.

but the TRUTH is... I can still want those things- those are just universal things that all humans desire and need to live... but my ULTIMATE decision is to live every moment based on obeying, praising, glorifying, and living for the One who gave me life and has kept me alive this long, the One who loves my very inmost being and knows me more than anyone ever could.. my SAVIOR, my FATHER. Jesus Christ.

my heart will go on and on

Cool. I'm just sitting here in my bed watching Titanic as my neck is numb and immobile at the time being because I am icing it. After seeing my Chiropractor today, I now must ice my neck every day and increase water intake to flush out toxins in the body. and I have the next 3 or 4 weeks already set up with weekly appointments with my chiropractor to get my back adjusted, to get muscle stem therapy, and have them monitor my neck and back trauma i received from my car accident back in January.

I'm also sitting here with this weird little mouth splint thing in my mouth, called an Aqualizer. My dentist gave it to me to wear for a couple hours at a time every day until my jaw pain stops. I have been having major, major jaw pain on my right side, horrible soreness all the time in the joint.. whenever i open my mouth to eat or yawn it just kills. So this splint they gave me is supposed to help with the soreness, because it makes it so my teeth are resting on these two little pillow-like bubbles, which decreases the pressure in my jaw and the pain. I hope that and taking advil three times a day like he told me to will do the job.

Oh, so. I've decided, that... I am probably never going to gain weight until I am pregnant. Seriously- me trying to gain weight is like trying to unite Democrats and REpublicans- it just won't happen. I have gotten smaller in like every area you can get smaller by losing weight, and I was already a toothpick to begin with. Blahhhh. Legs, stomach, arms, hips, blah. all of it.

i had a gift card for jordan creek town center that i got over Christmas, and I finally used it up today when I was back in West Des Moines! It was SO wonderful trying on billions of things and shopping and looking around and just being able to do something I havent been able to do for a very long time.... and still won't be able to do after this. I got 2 dresses from Forever 21 and a new hippie headwrap, a denim skirt, new sunglasses, and a really cute summer shirt from Delia's, and 2 new pairs of shoes from Payless. and i LOVE everything I got. And i really do look stunning wearing the stuff. yay. fashion! <3

im about to conk out. blah. night.

tell me how I'm supposed to breathe with no air...

I'm just gonna throw some questions out there.


...do our scars ever go away? i mean, really?

...how do we keep trusting when doing just that leaves a person hurt over and over again?

...how do you just STOP feeling a certain way? like trying to stop a powerful waterfall from rushing down a mountain the way it naturally always has... is it even possible?

...why do we judge other people when we KNOW as Christians it says in the Bible only GOD can judge us?

...why did God make guys and girls SO different from each other?

...how do you trust men after being cheated on, lied to, and torn down? honestly.....how.

...when do you know who your soulmate is, and what if you already think you know who it is? do you keep it to yourself? do you wait? do you tell them? do you let it pass you by? do you do nothing? how do you know it won't change someday?

Ok enough questions for now.

My neck is in bad shape again from car accident trauma. It's amazing how by not dealing with the emotional pain, it physically affects you so many weeks after you think you're done dealing with it. but really, by pushing it out of your mind and not processing it completely, you're just putting off the total recovery and total healing process. So I have weekly chiropractor appointments now back in West Des Moines when I go back for my other appointments every week. I can't wait to see my chiropractor tomorrow and start working on recovering fully!

blah.

call me a little angry, whatever.

"Hi, my name is ____ _______. I like to pretend I have your best interest in mind, but really I am just covering up how messed up my own life is and don't care one bit about yours. I also like to pretend I am one of the most righteous guys you'll ever come across, but really I am just a judgmental, narrow-minded LIAR who cheats on beautiful girls in order to assure myself that I am the shiz and they can't get enough of me, therefore I am in control and I get my way- which is really all I want. Do I feel bad about ruining their ability to trust men ever again? Most people probably would, but I am different, I am above all the rest, so no, I don't feel bad. I also really love to hear myself talk and, above all, be right. If someone interrupts me, I basically go ape-crazy on them and lose my temper and all gentleness I let you believe I have inside of me. Mostly, I just like to lead you to believe all these things I really am not, so when you figure out the truth, your life will pretty much be damaged forever and you're on your own to put it back together because I will somehow spin everything around to be ALL YOUR FAULT. I am one amazing guy, that's for sure. Have a great day. Love, ____ _______.

I'm alive

Random thoughts:

I've never loved a job or group of people at a job more than I do at the Ames Express. and I also never thought I would ever truly get to this point, but I find myself increasing in my love and passion for fashion and being an associate with Limited Brands. It's so awesome!!!

I always enjoy getting my haircut, and not just like trimmed or barely cut.. but like going from really long to a lot shorter and what not, just to change things up! So that's what I did a couple weeks ago w/ Bekah, butttttt I already want my hair to be the long length it was before.. I miss it and can't wait for it to grow out again!

I'm kind of becoming a hippie with my style. Basically all of Veishea week, I was dressed all hippie-ish, it was awesome haha.. I love the vibe and people come up to me and ask me about it- it's sweet.

I had an Associate Observation Assessment today at work and it went super great, and I'm learning even more about managing a business like Express. It's amazing to me how much goes on and how awesome it feels to be apart of something so special.

I'm really stressed out about things back in West Des Moines. Our glen oaks home is in foreclosure and we'll lose it in a few months, but we need to be out as soon as possible pretty much. It's not so much a sentimental attachment to the physical being of the house itself, more so just the fact that I will once again be living in a new place and the instability is kind of getting to me. I've pretty much given up on "living comfortably" as I used to know it.. I mean I wouldn't say I'm living UNcomfortably, but I'm definitely not living like I used to. I just wish I could know right NOW where I will actually be living come May. I pray my mom finds an afforadable appartment... ugh.

I've decided that after slipping on some responsible and good decisions this past week, I'm going to change that immediately and not go back to it again. I just came to this point, driving back to my house at like 5 am, exhausted, where I literally asked out loud- "what am I... doing?!" I believe that's what you call conviction from the Holy Spirit, and I'm glad that my God cares for me enough to get through to us in those ways. Anyway, the partying life is STRESSFUL and EXHAUSTING. My life is stressful and exhausting enough already- I can have fun without drinking, I did it for 19 years of my life and proved it.

I had a really helpful talk with Shelli tonight after I got home from work. She really, really, really helped me put something into perspective that has been hurting me a ton lately. It still hurts a lot, but at least I know I will be ok someday.

Withdrawing from this semester at ISU was the best choice I've ever made. I've really been learning how faithful God is in taking care of His children, and taking care of me. Broken, messed up, disastrous ME. I've seen how obeying His will and trusting in Him really does make everything fall into place just how it's meant to. Like how withdrawing allowed me to focus on recovering from my car accident, and learning how to spend time taking care of myself and grow, and how to be free from the chains of lies that were holding me down in darkness. Withdrawing also led to freedom from a destructive relationship, as well as finding an amazing new friend and sister and future roommate. Withdrawing ALSO led to me discovering a new career direction and educational path- the fashion design industry.

basically, i love life.

fourweeks.

And here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back
These words and hold our breath
Forget the things we swore we meant

I'll write you just to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

And here we go again
With all the things we did
And now I'm wondering
Just who would I have been
To be the one attached at all time to your hip
Forget the things we swore we meant

I'll write you just to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

I'll write you to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

Here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back...
-Paramore




Yeah.

threeweeksandoneday

I usually remember dreams and nightmares in vivid detail, ever since I was just a wee little Emily. I wouldn't say any of my nightmares were "night terrors" or anything of that sort. I know I went through a phase growing up in which I was deathly afraid of our basement downstairs (in our old house) and I thought there were monsters whenever the lights were turned off in my room. However, I would conquer those fears by changing which bunk I slept on. Yeah. I had a sweet red bunk bed when I was little. And I geniously thought, that if I slept on the top bunk the monsters wouldn't be able to reach me- so I was in the clear and could sleep soundly. When I got a little older, I reasoned that monsters are actually very tall creatures and therefore would not see me if I were to sleep on the BOTTOM bunk, so I switched and eventually got over the fear of the dark and pretend monsters.

I've never really had that dream where you're falling. I've never had the dream when all your family members die. I've never had violent, bloody nightmares really.

But the past two nights, I have experienced the most terrifying nightmares I've ever had. Wednesday night, I actually woke up several times from the nightmares- one time I had tears flowing down my face. Another time I actually YELLED "no!!!!!!" really loud and then quickly realized it wasn't just in my sleep, but I had actually yelled out loud in terror, then I tried to fall back asleep. Then another time I awoke in a cold sweat. Over and over again, I dreamt of my car accident that occurred on January 16th this year.

Starting with the initial realization and feelings of your motor vehicle sliding out of control and fishtailing back and forth on a snowy interstate going 55 m.p.h. Then the wave of momentum that spun my car in a 360 degree turn, staring out my windshield at the semi-truck coming straight at me. 2 seconds later, the crunch, the deafening sound of metal on metal and seeing car parts flying off the front of my car. My car sliding to a hault right before smashing into the concrete guardrail in the middle of the interstate. Not being able to move for a minute, because I thought I had died. Then screaming and crying at the same time, becoming totally aware I was all alone. Somebody running over to my car. Not being able to open my driver's side door more than an inch because of the damage. This guy asking me over and over again if I was ok. Me looking at him and not really being aware that I kept saying, yeah, yeah i'm fine, i'm ok. Looking at this person and realizing he was not my sister or a friend or my mom and then immediately reaching for my cell phone to call them. My heat didnt work. The snow was falling outside and I began to shiver and didn't have anything for extra heat. I saw the semi-truck about a fourth of a mile down the interstate on the shoulder. I thought, did that thing just hit me? Traffic had slowed and cars were moving past me on the interstate, staring in at me as they passed, and I thought back to all the times I've driven by a car wreck and been the slowly moving car peering at the car wreck victims wondering what happened and if they were going to be ok.

The semi-truck moving fast. Trying to slow down. the hit. the sound. the silence and blur of what happened exactly after the collision. I have no idea what my body did or any memory whatsoever of the moment after it happened. I don't remember how my car slid from point A in the far left lane to point B on the median shoulder 30 feet ahead. Somewhere in there, my muscles tightened and didnt release until 1 month of physical therapy went by.

The past two nights I've been suffering in my sleep from these visions of terror. I woke up last night actually gasping out of fear of thinking a truck was actually going to smash into me in my sleep. I've been having pounding, migraine-like headaches and neckaches that might make me have to get more physical therapy. I guess trauma can come back to the body after it's "gone away" for a while.

I want my nightmares to stop. :(