Why does everything in my life seem like such a battle? I don't think there is one thing going on in my life right now that doesn't require me to fight with all of my might. I do not ask out of complaint, but I ask out of pure wonder. It's not all bad I suppose, but it is tiring! I know very well that the life of a follower of Christ comes with risks, persecution, and hardship. It is not something you choose to live your life by if you want life to be easy. I don't want my life to be EASY. But shouldn't some things be a little easy...? Because it seems like nothing is easy anymore, nothing. Not one bit. I'm fighting for friendship and humanity, I'm fighting for love, I'm fighting for the principles and the people, I'm fighting for morals and ethics, I'm fighting for trust and respect. I'm fighting against consumerism, against hate and torture and murder and doubt, I'm fighting against lies and disease and emotion. Everything I'm fighting for and everything I'm fighting against leads me to one very weary road of exhaustion. But I won't stop, I swear. Nothing will ever make me stop. Maybe. Maybe except death... that would probably make me stop..... only probably, though.
It's funny how someone who really hates dissent and arguing and battles and war pretty much deals with it all on a daily basis. I never really feel the peace and harmony and love that I believe in so much. Sometimes I get glimpses of them. But they never last long. I guess that's why true faith is believing in the unseen.
I want a gentle revolution. I want a worldwide transformation. I want to disturb the order of society and infect the world with God's love. I want pop culture to suck it. I want a lifetime of love for others and ourselves. I want to give and not receive and be satisfied with that. I want unity and interdependence to outshine survival of the fittest. I want to love the hard people, the child molesters and the physically deformed and the Hitlers and the Osama Bin Ladens of the world. I want to know what makes the USA the best country in the world and why people are so proud to wear red, white, and blue while we murder and torture humans just like us. Sometimes I lie in bed in the middle of the night and get the urge to purge my entire wardrobe and live in the same outfit every day if it will help clothe people who have nothing. Other times I think I would miss my pretty dresses, though. I want to be pure in thought and body and soul. Sometimes I wonder if that is possible. I want people to come first, not profit. I want to never sell anyone anything ever again. I want one man to show me the way God says men should treat women and to stick around. I want to honor my husband someday and never stray from the sanctity of marriage. I want reconciliation to overcome all the brokenness. I want people to know that no one is beyond redemption. I want to get inside your head and rearrange all your doubts and perceptions so that things would make sense and this would work out between us. I want to close my eyes and not be afraid to open them up to see what is in front of me. I want to love people until the sun dies.
I don't feel like I fit into this lifetime, this world. I feel like a circle that is supposed to be a square. I don't want to live the American Way. Sometimes I think capitalism makes sense, and other times it makes me cringe. I wonder how some people have so much while other people have so little. Sometimes I cry about it, thinking about the weight of the world on my shoulders like I somehow manage to do way too much of the time. I'm no Jesus, but sometimes I feel like your suffering is my suffering along with my own suffering, and then I feel that all of that suffering doesn't even come close to the amount of suffering that's going on all over the world. Maybe I don't belong in America. America is eating me alive along with all the fried food it can produce. I feel like my body is here on earth, but my soul is somewhere very distant. My soul faints and cries out for heaven. I am really feeling the weight of the part in the Bible (if I had my Bible in front of me I could say where exactly it says it, but I don't), where God says this is not our home, we are foreigners in this world because our real home is with Him. So we should feel strange living here. Oh, please bring me home, Lord.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
it's true I failed, but Your love covers me.
I write with love
and I write for free
this way is death
please come with me
my words are true
and my eyes are soft
this is your chance
come with and see
thy worth is great
thy heart is pure
my arms stay open
so please be sure
I wait for you always
and offer you my love
but the only love you know
left you pain to endure
this world is death
this world is black
you choose your way
and never turn back
your heart is empty
your soul is dark
you see the light
and ignore the spark.
----------------------------
A mother that loves her own
but she cannot plainly see
the death in her mouth
rotting root and tree
of sky and earth
so spreads the dark
it leaks from her face
always finding its mark
oh mother, oh mother
your love is like no other
it slaps the face of who you love
it takes and takes and takes and takes
oh mother, sweet woman
do you know what you do
your arm a fine lover
your hand waiting to smother
oh mother, my mother
it was me you were loving
it was me you were loving.
------------------------------
and I write for free
this way is death
please come with me
my words are true
and my eyes are soft
this is your chance
come with and see
thy worth is great
thy heart is pure
my arms stay open
so please be sure
I wait for you always
and offer you my love
but the only love you know
left you pain to endure
this world is death
this world is black
you choose your way
and never turn back
your heart is empty
your soul is dark
you see the light
and ignore the spark.
----------------------------
A mother that loves her own
but she cannot plainly see
the death in her mouth
rotting root and tree
of sky and earth
so spreads the dark
it leaks from her face
always finding its mark
oh mother, oh mother
your love is like no other
it slaps the face of who you love
it takes and takes and takes and takes
oh mother, sweet woman
do you know what you do
your arm a fine lover
your hand waiting to smother
oh mother, my mother
it was me you were loving
it was me you were loving.
------------------------------
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Love until it HURTS.
Some of the best stuff I've read in a long time, highlights from the book "Irresistible Revolution" by Shane Claiborne.
"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian Scholarship. Christian Scholarship is the church's prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament." -Soren Kierkegaard.
"We are not a voice for the voiceless. The truth is that there is a lot of noise out there drowning out quiet voices, and many people have stopped listening to the cries of their neighbors. Lots of folks have put their hands over their ears to drown out the suffering." -Shane
"It is a beautiful thing when folks in poverty are no longer just a missions project but become genuine friends and family with whom we laugh, cry, dream, and struggle." -Shane
"Charity wins awards and applause, but joining the poor gets you killed. People do not get crucified for charity. People are crucified for living out a love that disrupts the social order, that calls forth a new world." -Shane
-I want to live out a love that disrupts the social order. And there is never a better time to start doing so than right now. :)
..."But today people crave the spectacular. People are drawn to lights and celebrities, to arenas and megachurches. In the desert, Jesus was tempted by the spectacular, to do big, miraculous things so people might believe, but Jesus has called us to littleness and compares our revolution to the little mustard seed, to yeast making its way through dough, SLOWLY INFECTING THIS DARK WORLD WITH LOVE." -Shane
-I love using disgusting words to illustrate something beautiful. What would the world look like if everybody woke up every morning and thought, "how can I infect this dark world with love today?" I think it'd be pretty amazing.
"...We've just fallen in love with God and our neighbors, and that is transforming our lives." -Shane
"We are the richest and most miserable people in the world." -Shane
-we have the highest suicide rates and depression and yet we keep our misery around our wrists like handcuffs, this is probably the most true thing I've thought about it a long time. And we love staying miserable. Time to break the cycle, America. Time to break hearts, followers of Jesus.
"I feel sorry that so many of us have settled for a lonely world of independence and riches when we could all experience the fullness of life in community and interdependence. Why would I want a fancy car when I can ride a bike, or a TV when I can play outside with sidewalk chalk? Ok, sometimes I still want the hottub on the roof, but the rest I can live without. And I mean LIVE without." -Shane
-This is the epitome of what I think about on a daily basis, haha.
[Referencing Matthew 11:28-30] "...One of the things I think Jesus is doing is setting us free from the heavy yoke of an oppressive way of life. I know plenty of people, both rich and poor, who are suffocating from the weight of the "American Dream", who find themselves heavily burdened by the lifeless toil and consumption we put upon ourselves. This is the yoke we are being SET FREE FROM." -Shane
-Matthew 11:28-30 is my "life verse"... for so many reasons. But it's interesting how the deeper reasons are becoming more and more apparent to me the older I get and the more I keep coming back to what Jesus tells us in this passage.
Mother Theresa: "Following Jesus is simple, but not easy. Love until it hurts, and then love more."
Dorothy Day: "Love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it is the only answer."
"This love is not sentimental but heart-wrenching, the most difficult and the most beautiful thing in the world." -Shane
"There are plenty of people who are miserable in their jobs, for they have not listened to God's call. And I would add there are many Christians who are not fulfilled in their spiritual lives because they have no sense of their gifts or purpose, and they just run to the mission field to save souls rather than transform lives and communities using their gifts and those of the people they live among. Both lead to EMPTINESS and BURNOUT." -Shane
"Some may leave their jobs. Others will redefine them. Many of us feel an inner collision between the old life and the new one." -Shane
In relation to the fuller awareness of notorious human rights abusers (Coca-Cola, Nestle, Disney, Gap, etc)... "Not everyone responds in the same way, BUT WE MUST RESPOND."
Over 20,000 children die each *day* from curable water-borne disease because of the problem for access to clean water.
"Jesus was crucified not for helping poor people, but for joining them. That is the Jesus we follow." -Shane
"We've got to unite ourselves as one body. Because Jesus is coming back, and he's coming back for a bride, not a harem." -a gospel preacher.
My mind is spinning, kids.
"The matter is quite simple. The Bible is very easy to understand. But we Christians are a bunch of scheming swindlers. We pretend to be unable to understand it because we know very well that the minute we understand, we are obliged to act accordingly. Take any words in the New Testament and forget everything except pledging yourself to act accordingly. My God, you will say, if I do that my whole life will be ruined. How would I ever get on in the world? Herein lies the real place of Christian Scholarship. Christian Scholarship is the church's prodigious invention to defend itself against the Bible, to ensure that we can continue to be good Christians without the Bible coming too close. Oh, priceless scholarship, what would we do without you? Dreadful it is to fall into the hands of the living God. Yes, it is even dreadful to be alone with the New Testament." -Soren Kierkegaard.
"We are not a voice for the voiceless. The truth is that there is a lot of noise out there drowning out quiet voices, and many people have stopped listening to the cries of their neighbors. Lots of folks have put their hands over their ears to drown out the suffering." -Shane
"It is a beautiful thing when folks in poverty are no longer just a missions project but become genuine friends and family with whom we laugh, cry, dream, and struggle." -Shane
"Charity wins awards and applause, but joining the poor gets you killed. People do not get crucified for charity. People are crucified for living out a love that disrupts the social order, that calls forth a new world." -Shane
-I want to live out a love that disrupts the social order. And there is never a better time to start doing so than right now. :)
..."But today people crave the spectacular. People are drawn to lights and celebrities, to arenas and megachurches. In the desert, Jesus was tempted by the spectacular, to do big, miraculous things so people might believe, but Jesus has called us to littleness and compares our revolution to the little mustard seed, to yeast making its way through dough, SLOWLY INFECTING THIS DARK WORLD WITH LOVE." -Shane
-I love using disgusting words to illustrate something beautiful. What would the world look like if everybody woke up every morning and thought, "how can I infect this dark world with love today?" I think it'd be pretty amazing.
"...We've just fallen in love with God and our neighbors, and that is transforming our lives." -Shane
"We are the richest and most miserable people in the world." -Shane
-we have the highest suicide rates and depression and yet we keep our misery around our wrists like handcuffs, this is probably the most true thing I've thought about it a long time. And we love staying miserable. Time to break the cycle, America. Time to break hearts, followers of Jesus.
"I feel sorry that so many of us have settled for a lonely world of independence and riches when we could all experience the fullness of life in community and interdependence. Why would I want a fancy car when I can ride a bike, or a TV when I can play outside with sidewalk chalk? Ok, sometimes I still want the hottub on the roof, but the rest I can live without. And I mean LIVE without." -Shane
-This is the epitome of what I think about on a daily basis, haha.
[Referencing Matthew 11:28-30] "...One of the things I think Jesus is doing is setting us free from the heavy yoke of an oppressive way of life. I know plenty of people, both rich and poor, who are suffocating from the weight of the "American Dream", who find themselves heavily burdened by the lifeless toil and consumption we put upon ourselves. This is the yoke we are being SET FREE FROM." -Shane
-Matthew 11:28-30 is my "life verse"... for so many reasons. But it's interesting how the deeper reasons are becoming more and more apparent to me the older I get and the more I keep coming back to what Jesus tells us in this passage.
Mother Theresa: "Following Jesus is simple, but not easy. Love until it hurts, and then love more."
Dorothy Day: "Love is a harsh and dreadful thing to ask of us, but it is the only answer."
"This love is not sentimental but heart-wrenching, the most difficult and the most beautiful thing in the world." -Shane
"There are plenty of people who are miserable in their jobs, for they have not listened to God's call. And I would add there are many Christians who are not fulfilled in their spiritual lives because they have no sense of their gifts or purpose, and they just run to the mission field to save souls rather than transform lives and communities using their gifts and those of the people they live among. Both lead to EMPTINESS and BURNOUT." -Shane
"Some may leave their jobs. Others will redefine them. Many of us feel an inner collision between the old life and the new one." -Shane
In relation to the fuller awareness of notorious human rights abusers (Coca-Cola, Nestle, Disney, Gap, etc)... "Not everyone responds in the same way, BUT WE MUST RESPOND."
Over 20,000 children die each *day* from curable water-borne disease because of the problem for access to clean water.
"Jesus was crucified not for helping poor people, but for joining them. That is the Jesus we follow." -Shane
"We've got to unite ourselves as one body. Because Jesus is coming back, and he's coming back for a bride, not a harem." -a gospel preacher.
My mind is spinning, kids.
Sunday, May 17, 2009
The lion lays down with the lamb.
What if we all realized what this toiling and consuming is doing to our world? It won't ever happen unless we stop covering our ears to drown out the screams of our neighbors, and it won't happen unless we open up our eyes, and I mean really open them. We all see what we want to see. People don't want to see people suffering. Because it might make us feel really guilty and it might make us have to change the way we live our lives. People don't want to see death and they don't want to see poverty, they don't want to see people naked and hungry and crying.
Maybe love doesn't mean happiness. Maybe it means you're going to hurt. There is so much more to happiness than just feeling good. More than not feeling bad. What if happiness isn't all there is to strive for on this earth? What if it isn't about making it to the next and higher level of happiness. What if we all stopped trying to become higher. Higher in our statuses, our wealth, our contentment, our security, our jobs, our place in society, everything. Haha, what if happiness really is a warm gun? ...kidding.
Maybe love doesn't mean happiness. Maybe it means you're going to hurt. There is so much more to happiness than just feeling good. More than not feeling bad. What if happiness isn't all there is to strive for on this earth? What if it isn't about making it to the next and higher level of happiness. What if we all stopped trying to become higher. Higher in our statuses, our wealth, our contentment, our security, our jobs, our place in society, everything. Haha, what if happiness really is a warm gun? ...kidding.
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