"DECODE" - Paramore.

How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind
I can't win your losing fight all the time
Not gonna ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No not this time
Not this time

How did we get here?
When I use to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it's hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood,
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are
If you're a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out on my own
On my own ("I'm screaming I love you so")
On my own (My thoughts you can't decode)

How did we get here?
When I use to know you so well, yeah.
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know

Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves
Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves

Yeah
How did we get here?
When I use to know you so well, yeah yeah
How did we get here?
Well, I use to know you so well

I think I know
I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me I want it to be true.

fourweeks.

And here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back
These words and hold our breath
Forget the things we swore we meant

I'll write you just to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

And here we go again
With all the things we did
And now I'm wondering
Just who would I have been
To be the one attached at all time to your hip
Forget the things we swore we meant

I'll write you just to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

I'll write you to let you know
That I'm alright
Can't say I'm sad to see you go
Cause I'm not (No I'm not)
Well I'm not

Here we go again
With all the things we said
And not a minute spent
To think that we'd regret
So we just take it back...
-Paramore




Yeah.

Heart.

"Whatever It Takes" by Lifehouse:

"A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

She said if we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together

I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes."

"we've still got time..."

"A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes

She said if we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see
She said like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together

I know you deserve much better
Remember the time I told you the way that I felt
And that I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together
Whatever it takes."
--Lifehouse


"I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along."
--Glen Hansard & Marketa Irglova

be the one.

"When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump i'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump i'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

'Cause there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart."
-Savage Garden.

He is my light, my strength, my song

Over the past week, I have gone through an immense amount of TRAUMA.

1. Severe bodily injury, as from a gunshot wound or a motor vehicle accident.
2. Psychological or emotional injury caused by a deeply disturbing experience.
3. A serious injury or shock to the body, as from violence or an accident.
4. An emotional wound or shock that creates substantial, lasting damage to the psychological development of a person, often leading to neurosis (neurosis: any of various mental or emotional disorders involving symptoms such as insecurity, anxiety, depression, and irrational fears).

If I were to drive past the exact sight of where my car accident took place RIGHT this instant, I would have a panic attack and hyperventilate. My body is in a state of shock, in which it completely shuts itself down to protect itself after undergoing the intense collision from the semi-truck hitting my car. This causes my limbs to go numb and leaves me temporarily paralyzed and hard to catch my breath.

The first few days after the crash were the worst, where I could hardly sleep I was having such frequent nightmares of the semi-truck coming at me and hitting me. I haven't been able to write about the crash until recently, because I couldn't get the motivation inside- the memory was still too fresh. Now I can write about it. Now I can think about it and not break down into jelly.

My initial thoughts, besides sheer unbelief that I was alive and walking, were consumed with confusion and muddied with things I probably shouldn't have been thinking, but did anyway. Not like I was wishing I would have died, not at all, but just... this huge disbelief that I made it out alive, that God still had more for me to do on earth and I'm here for a reason. It was a wake-up call to my faith for sure.

My current thoughts are now surrounded and influenced by the post-affects of the accident... the trauma and what the shock did to my body. I have physical therapy for a month now, to help rebuild the ability to use my muscles properly and for them to heal appropriately. Also, to prevent them from healing the way that they currently are now-tight, basically on lock-down, and hard to move.

I have an amazing support group to do just that-- support me. Especially in these hard times of my life. In one of my many conversations about the crash and how I was doing, my sister encouraged me to focus on a specific command in the Bible- to be joyful even amidst great pain and suffering. That has been turning the wheel in my mind constantly since we had that talk, and I've been trying my hardest to follow the Word of God. Every muscle in my body is crying out "stop! it hurts! don't move!" but my heart is telling me to keep going, that no matter how much it hurts I can overcome, and to keep moving because someday I will be healed again- all in the power of Jesus Christ.

The past week, I've been in and out of doctor's offices, getting examined and X-rayed for hours and hours, getting expensive CT-scans and MRIs of my neck, brain and spinal cord, I've been strapped down to a solid plastic board for over 2 hours, I've been temporarily paralyzed for almost 3 hours at one time, I've been wheelchaired around hospitals because I couldn't walk, I've been undressed and naked in front of nurses because my arms couldn't move, I've been carried down 5 flights of stairs by Mark and Nick, I've been carried out to Melanie's car by Brek, I've had friends slap my face to wake me up when I stopped breathing, I've been more afraid for my own life than the last 18 years I've lived put together. But NO MATTER WHAT happens, NO MATTER WHAT I have to get through, i WILL NOT stop fighting, and i WILL NOT stop hoping and trusting in JESUS CHRIST-- my sole source of strength, my identity, my purpose, my EVERYTHING. Long enough I listened to, dwelled on, believed in, and acted on lies from the Devil- LONG ENOUGH. Freedom came through listening to, dwelling on, believing in, and acting on TRUTH. This song shows exactly what I'm talking about:

"In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Till on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No power of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Till He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."
-In Christ Alone

LOVE<3

"take a sad song and make it better"

I'm just going to be super honest....... I am scared out of my FRICKIN' mind for starting this spring semester. So many things I wish I could know before diving in. I wish I could know if I'm going to get hit with kidney problems and other sickness issues some point during the semester. I wish I could be prepared for whatever ends up happening. I wish I could know what my heart really needs and wants. I wish I could know if he still wants me. I wish I could know how I'm going to deal with temptation to resort back to old habits when the temptation arises. But the thing is, we are never prepared for anything really. Everything is unknown. And everything is scary. That's just human nature though, to be afraid of the unknown. The thing that sets me apart is that my fear is expelled because of God's perfect love. I can't make the reference... but it says somewhere in the Bible that "perfect love expels all fear." That's really powerful.

I'm seeing that all I can do to "prepare" for whatever may come my way, is to equip myself with the Armor of God explained in Ephesians 6, and to just have faith in my Creator.

Job said in Job 2:10, "Shall we indeed accept good from God, and shall we not accept adversity?" And these past few months for me have been all about learning the truth of that in my own reality.

My mom had lunch with me today on her break at Jason's Deli, and first of all it was amazing to have real food and have an appetite for it for the first time in 3 weeks WOOO!!!! um, but second of all, my mom asked me how I was feeling about going back to school right now, and I expressed how nervous and scared I am. She cares so much about me and just started encouraging me and telling me, "Em you can do it, you know you can," and all sorts of things to lift my spirits. I appreciate my mom so much. For all her faults, she makes up for it with all her love and encouragement.

Now I end with a beautiful song:

"Hey Jude, don't make it bad
take a sad song and make it better
Remember to let her into your heart
Then you can start to make it better

Hey Jude, don't be afraid
You were made to go out and get her
The minute you let her under your skin
Then you begin to make it better

And anytime you feel the pain
Hey Jude refrain
don't carry the world upon your shoulders
For well you know that it's a fool
who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder
Na na na na na
na na na na

Hey Jude don't let me down
You have found her, now go and get her
Remember to let her into your heart
then you can start to make it better."
--The Beatles
<3

slow motion

I got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that told me I'd get hurt again.
So I hung up the phone
and I screamed out loud
I felt so alone, I should have said the things I'm thinking now

Ohh never thought it'd be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know

Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I cant forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.

I pretend I'm ok
But it aches inside
There's got to be a way that's better then just getting by

Ohh never thought it be so hard to let you go
I just want you to know

Tell me how I'm gonna make it when youre the one I can't forget
It's like I'm running in slow motion in a nightmare that never ends
When I try to face it when I wake up I hate the way reality sets in
God I wish you could hold me, through the seven days of lonely.

My heart is speeding up and slowing down to know I know it's over, it's over
And can you die of heartbreak to die for love lost young I pray to find it again, oh again

Got a call today
At 3 AM
It's what you didn't say that hurts again.
~I Nine

merry Christmas

"So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight
He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The Only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing don't know why I do
He's the time taken up but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..."
-taylor swift

"and in the time it took to write you this song..."

I couldn't sleep last night. I had things swirling around in my head that wouldn't stop swirling. Eventually they did, but I think I laid in bed for 2 hours in the dark trying to will them out of my head so I could sleep for a few hours. To compensate, I slept until noon today.

This is a story I will call, "Not Anymore."

The pairing of the words 'not' and 'anymore' together do not seem very threatening or bad. I can think of many examples of the pairing that come in response to questions that are very harmless. Such as, "hey are you still hungry?" -"Not anymore, I ate a huge flying burrito for dinner." Or, "do you still want to go to the party?" -"not anymore, I feel like watching a movie instead." Or even, "do you go to valley high school?" -"not anymore, I am a sophomore at Iowa State now."

But my experience with those two words was much more unpleasant. It left a bad taste in my mouth. Let me show you why. Instead of questions that deal with how you feel, or what you want to do, or location or the like, he was asked the question that dealt with my precious heart. I saw the whole thing come together, and finally he asked, "wait, are you guys still dating?" -"not anymore," he responded. But the way it felt was more like, "NOT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!" It was like someone turned on a florescent light above us when he said it. It was like the questioner might as well have asked the question into a megaphone. And then I watched the respondent struggle for a quick second before relaying said response. His lips parted and I swear I saw the words in all caps scream out for the whole world to hear. So then I just hated everything and everyone for a moment as the feeling seeped in and spread throughout my vessels. Then, everything was awkward. Like all the sudden I was aware that my legs are too long and too skinny and pointing out in strange angles. Then I was aware that my arms were crossed and maybe that said to everyone in the circle that I was mad or, the truth be told, I might be uncomfortable... gasp! And then I was aware that I didn't know where to place my gaze. Don't look down Emily, everyone might think you look sad or forlorn, don't look up Emily, everyone might think you're trying not to cry, don't look at him too long Emily, he's not going to look back.

That is why I do not like the words 'not' and 'anymore' paired together any longer. I'm done with that coupling.

On another note,

THE ENVY CORPS played an AMAZING show last night at House of Bricks!!!!!!!
Every song was just so good, I can remember most of the set, but not completely and not the exact order...
Wires and Wool
You Look Good In Wings pt. II
Sylvia (the Beekeeper)
Rooftop
Ninety-Nine One-Hundred
Pip Pip
an 80's cover
Baby Teeth
Party Dress
Rhinemaidens
Story Problem

... ahh, so good. They're so fun on-stage and I just love every one of them. Rhinemaidens and Story Problem were definitely the most energetic, and that's expected since they were the last 2 songs and obvious crowd favorites. I loved the contrast between playing Sylvia which I was moving and dancing to and then slowing things down with Rooftop to a little sway. I loved it every time Brandon the guitarist grabbed his mic and held it out for the audience to sing into. I loved watching Nick obsess over their top-notch equipment the whole time. I loved watching the drummer Scott... I always get a kick out of watching drummers at shows :) he was hilarious, and what a look he has, goodness. When they started Party Dress I went crazy and the entire front part of the crowd that I was apart of was just dancing like crazy, and when they got to my favorite part of the song with the line about saying off with your head and Luke just belted it, oh man that was awesome for me. Baby Teeth was definitely one of my favorites, I love the build-up and the huge sound at the end and it's just so beautiful. The end of Story Problem when they had the crowd sing the 'ohs' and everything was incredible. Ugh, it was just so good. Definitely awaiting their next album.

I love going to good shows.
--------------------------------------------
I just noticed this very large woman sitting at the table over from me in the Barnes & Noble cafe has been looking at the screen of my laptop like she's trying to see what I'm typing. Ha. See if she can see me write this about her! HA. thought that was kinda funny.

well I wanted to get a lot of work done on my Law & Politics class and possibly construct my proposal for my english class on a memoir topic, but... not much has been done. Instead, I wrote this blog and I've been watching the Envy Corps videos and listening to their stuff. I have no idea when Nick's going to want to go back to Ames, but, oh well. I'm pretty much done here anyway. I've gotten out what needed to be said. :)
<3

sometimes I spend my time just trying to escape

this is all I have to say right now.

"sometimes it's embarrassing to talk to you
to hold a conversation with the only one who sees right through
this version of myself
i try to hide behind
i'll bury my face because my disgrace will leave me terrified

and sometimes i'm so thankful for your loyalty
your love regardless of the mistakes i make will spoil me
my confidence is, in a sense, a gift you've given me
and i'm satisfied to realize you're all i'll ever need

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

and sometimes i spend my time
just trying to escape
i work so hard, so desperately, in an attempt to create space
cause i want distance from the utmost important thing i know
i see your love, then turn my back, and beg for you to go

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

you're the only one who understands
completely
you're the only one who knows me yet still loves completely

and sometimes the place i'm at is at a loss for words
if i think of something worthy, i know that it's already yours
and through the times i've faded and you've outlined me again
you've just patiently waited, to bring me back and then

you looked into my life
and never stopped
and you're thinking all my thoughts
are so simple but so beautiful
and you recite my words right back to me
before i even speak
you let me know, i am understood

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

the noise has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation

your voice has broken my defense
let me embrace salvation
let me embrace
let me embrace salvation." -Relient K "I Am Understood"

Music and leaves.

It's so weird how music affects your mood, and your mood affects your music, and how they collide into one. When things happen, you change what you listen to. When you listen to something, sometimes you feel something and something happens because of it. Music for me right now is the only thing besides God that fills the silence in my room and in my heart, whether in-between classes, in the morning when I wake up to another sad day, or at night when the walls shrink in around me as I get ready to sleep after long hours and tense moments. For whatever reasons, all I can listen to from my music collection are certain songs from Lifehouse and certain songs from Acceptance. Nothing else. Any other song is either too depressing, too happy, too upbeat, too angry, or too sad. I can't expand what I listen to right now- I want to keep it a small list of songs that I listen to over and over again... a playlist that's consistent, when nothing in my life is consistent right now. I can count on the music to be there for me. I turn up the volume of the music and the screams from inside my heart subside for a while.

If I were able to write a song, I would write a song right now. It would embody all of my emotion better than anything else could, because I seem to find that my words even fail me at times in expressing what's inside of me... but a melody? a pitch? a note? a song? put together, it's sufficient. If I could write a song today, it would be a sad song. The key would be in the minor key and the notes strung together would become a sad repetition... the sound would be beautiful, but terrible. There would be no build-up, no climax, no sight of an end. It would just keep playing on in the same sad pattern. Nobody would like my song because anyone who listens to it would immediately feel sad. But it's my song.

I couldn't help but empathize with the leaves lying dead and scattered on the ground as I walked to and from class this morning. They used to be so green and fresh and alive up in their strong, sturdy trees. Then the seasons changed. Something happened to make their colors turn into something else, and they dried out, and the wind came along and one blow is all it takes- they fall slowly but surely to the ground. Some land in the pathway of many bustling college students walking to and fro. And as I walked one of those sidewalks today, I looked down and saw all the brown, crumpled, torn, broken up leaves just lying there, after being stepped on by people who are just doing what they have to do. It made me sad for the leaves. I felt like one of them. I feel like it was just a week ago I was a beautiful, green leaf up in my tree where I belonged and thrived. Things change fast. Too fast.

"Nick is never ready..." - James. "Shut up!" -Nick

Wow. The Freedom Project played an amazing show last night at the Bali Satay. I was excited so many of our friends came to support them. Of COURSE the best song of the night was "Tell The Ones You Love"... but that was obvious. And I'm super excited to hear Josh and Steve play tonight with their band Adelynne. The last time I saw them was earlier in the summer down in Des Moines, and this'll be their first show back in Ames since they recorded in Chicago this summer. Last night, I was happy to be back in "the music scene" like the days of all the ATA shows. I looked at Kayla though and told her I felt like it should be ATA playing :( cause we miss going to their shows. Nick melted everyone's faces off with his guitar playing, and I knew every girl in the audience wanted to be his girlfriend after seeing him like that... haha. But that's too bad, he's mine :). haha come on I get to do that sometimes, just let me. I can be proud of my babe.

Nick asked me why I gave the show a 9 instead of a 10, and I said because Scott wasn't there. True story. I can't wait til he gets back from Ohio! And Pete! Aw, Pete. But Danny and Isaiah did a great job, and it was so awesome of them to learn all the music so quickly for the guys.

Well I'm heading to Des Moines right now... goodbye!

"...and I'll take the truth at any cost."

"I am outside
And I've been waiting for the sun
With my wide eyes
I've seen worlds that don't belong
My mouth is dry with words I cannot verbalize
Tell me why we live like this...

Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again cause we just wanna be whole."-Paramore


Gosh, I'm saddened by some things. It just kind of hits me some moments more than others, and this is one of those head-on collision moments. How do I say this and tell you how I feel without sounding like a complete hypocrite? I am not perfect. Neither are you. I have my battles, you have yours. But one battle in particular just makes me sad, and confuses me...

I just don't get it. Aren't we supposed to set ourselves apart from the rest? Don't we believe in a God who asks us to be different than everyone else, no matter how good everyone else looks doing it, or how much fun they look like they're having? You know these things, you believe in these things, you go to church and learn about these things every week, you love our heavenly Father and want to follow Him.... and yet, you get to college, and...? You do it, you try it. Why do you drink? Why do you take the cup? Just a one time thing? We can hope, right? But chances are, you'll be doing it again sometime soon. Curiosity? Curiosity will never be satisfied. We will always be curious, so if your reason is because of your curiosity, good luck cutting that habit. Especially if you weren't one of those high school drinkers, why do you get to college and all the sudden feel like it's ok? Like you're not still underage, like you're not still under the commandment to resist temptation the way you did all throughout high school. I feel like going hey here's a high-five you made it through the high-school drinking scene, now welcome to the college drinking scene and... oh, uhhhh I take back that high five. Eh? That's my confusion with the whole matter. If you're gonna drink now, what was the big deal with not doing it throughout high school? Don't you wanna do the BEST you can for the God who loves you so? So you lasted 2 years or so, but now you're gonna throw in the towel- it's just too hard? If you're gonna take a drink now, why did you resist for 4 years or however long alcohol was apart of your social environment? Isn't it kind of all for nothing then?

The thing about morals, to me, is not just about HAVING them. Ask a bunch of people, ask a bunch of non-Christians or non-religious people and they probably have morals too. It's not just about having them, it's about KEEPING them. It's about keeping them even when it's hard, it's about not throwing them out the window for a fun weekend at college parties. Or whatever reason you come up with to justify the fact that you drank when you're not legal. Did you know that the age-limit for legal drinking is the age it's set at because the brain is still developing up til the age of 25, and in special areas that can be hurt and ravaged by alcohol? Our precious, precious brains that let us feel pleasure and pain and control everything our bodies do and feel and think! Yeah, it's not really the government just trying to make young people angry, it's actually for our own good- crazy idea, right? I like rebelling against "the man" and authority every now and then just like anyone does, but I know laws are made to protect us and they're made for the good of humanity.

Why do I get the feeling that people, CHRISTIANS, are just dropping like flies when they stand up to alcohol in the college setting? I don't know. One soul... is a SOUL. So one is enough to make my head spin, but any more than that and I'm in tears over this. I'm not even kidding... I'm really saddened by this. It breaks my heart to see lost people lose themselves even more and cover it up with vodka and beer. It breaks me to see a broken generation break themselves over and over again, weekend after weekend, until they're out of control.

Set yourselves apart.

Something to believe in

My favorite song, hands down, from the "Memory Man" album by Aqualung. Don't these lyrics give you chills? Because I think it captures the essence of lost people. Especially my generation. Check these out-

"You talk too much
Maybe that's your way
Of breaking up the silence
That fills you up
But it doesn't sound the same
When no one's really listening

We stumble into our lives
Reach for a hand to hold
Any wonder we need to find
A certain something certain

Turn out the light
And what are you left with
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty
Press my face to the ground
I've got to find a reason
Just scratching around
For something to believe in

You have too much
And spending all your time
Collecting and discovering
It's not enough
And no matter how you try
You never find the one you want

We stumble into our lives
Without a hand to hold
Any wonder we need to find
A certain something certain

Turn out the light
And what are you left with
Open up my hands
And find out they're empty
Press my face to the ground
I've got to find a reason
Still scratching around
For something to believe in
Something to believe in."

kidney stones, ISU football, my hero Nick, me= zombie thanks to Darvocet, and critique I just can't accept about my writing... whoaaaa!

I look back on the past few days, and I just don't know what to say about it all. I have so many things floating around in my head right now. I'm having trouble separating it all out and focusing on them one at a time. Instead, everything is just one big blur.

Saturday started out bad the MOMENT I woke up. Seriously. I'm climbing down my ladder from my loft, and the kidney pain hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm just like, are you kidding me? Come on. The rest of the day was off and on, it came in waves, but it was constant. I tried to mask it most the time, but sometimes you just can't. It's never a good day to have kidney problems, but that day was particularly annoying to have to deal with it because I just wanted to have a good time at the ISU football game with friends and have fun and laugh... halfway through the 2nd quarter, I couldn't even hold my self up without someone supporting me, my body was just giving up and I couldn't see straight I was so dizzy and nauseous. I was so desperate to catch a Cy-ride bus to get back to Friley, but none of the buses were coming for at least 15 minutes and I couldn't wait that long... pain was starting to radiate again. We couldn't get ahold of my sister to pick me up and drive me back, so there was nothing to do but just tough it out and try to walk. I walked about half of the journey from Jack Trice Stadium with Nick supporting me and making sure I didn't fall over, stopping every few minutes so I could sit down and regain a tiny bit of energy.. and the other half Nick actually carried me the rest of the way because the pain was so bad, I was crying, and I was exhausted. I don't know how he did it, but somehow we got back to my room and I took my pain medicine.

Oh, the pain medicine.... it's a love-hate relationship let me tell ya. Darvocet is your friend, and your enemy at the same time. It's a narcotic and it helps my body deal with the pain from kidney stones, but it also has the power to completely sedate me, cause extreme dizziness and vomiting, nauseousness, drowsiness, and other things... trust me the list doesn't get any better. It also makes me completely loopy and do things I seriously don't remember and lose a lot of my inhibitions. My sister came and sat with me and Nick for a couple hours, then she left and Nick just stayed with me the entire night, helping me whenever I needed something and just being an amazing support system for my weakest moments. Oh my gosh, if everyone I knew saw me the way Nick saw me Saturday night, I would flip out. I'm too vulnerable, too weak, too helpless, and too needy. I hate it.

Sunday was the after-effects of the pain medicine.... if I wasn't sleeping at my sister's apartment for 3 hours, I was confined in the quarters of Friley not doing anything at all, just kind of sitting there. existing. but not really with it. Later in the evening I felt a little more alive and hung out with Bri, Nick, Eric and Scott up on 5th floor and had some laughs, but then I took two steps back and couldn't walk back to my room without Nick holding me up and coaching me as I took each step almost fainting at times. I hate the picture these occurrences paint of myself, but I can't change them, I can't control them! And I know that I can't help the fact that the pain and the side-effects make my body act the way it does, I can only be as strong as my body lets me be.... and when I have kidney problems, that's not much strength at all. Monday was unpleasant at best, I made it to one meal at least. I slept and rested most of the time if I wasn't making it to two of my three classes (one just couldn't be achieved). I broke down in tears several times because of my frail state, and had to be pep-talked into just being able to walk to Kildee for my psych class. I was afraid of the unpredictability of my disease, and the fear drives me to tears sometimes. The kidney monster can hit whenever it chooses, and I will be helpless no matter where I am and no matter who I'm with.

Walking down the hall to go to the bathroom makes my body gasp for breath, because it feels like I just ran a marathon. Going up a flight of stairs makes me lose my sense of balance and makes the room start spinning until I can't stand up straight. Last night, I got sharp knife-life kidney pains in my OTHER flank, confirming I have problems with both kidneys and not just the left, and it hurt so bad I couldn't walk at all and Nick carried me to my room.

If I didn't have Nick here in Friley to help me do the simple things that kidney problems make so difficult for me to accomplish, like walking to the bathroom or getting up to go eat a meal at the udcc..... I seriously don't know what I would do. I suppose I could recruit Brian or Eric or even Nick Howard to help me, but they'd probably get freaked out by it and that in turn would make me freak out because I hate making people uncomfortable more than anything else. I could call my sister, but honestly with her schedule I don't know how she would ever have the TIME to help me do those simple things like walk down the hall, plus she'd have to drive 10 minutes every time and that's just not even feasible, not with how frequent the problems happened the past few days. Bottom line, Nick has been my hero, and I couldn't be more grateful for someone to take care of me when I can only do so much to take care of myself.

Guess what? I'm friggin dropping Astro.120, THAT'S WHAT!

My allergies have turned into a full-fledged cold I think.... or just really, really bad allergies. The kidney pain exits, and something else enters- that's how it always is with me, you just learn to deal with it.

I got a B on my first essay in my English 305 class, and it pissed me off more than anything because of the comments I got from my teacher.... I could go into it more in another post, but I'm seriously upset. I'm definitely going to talk to her about it, because it's kind of ridiculous. I know that piece was an A. And her comments about my writing are just unsettling, really unsettling. There's no other way to describe it. It made me think... huh... maybe I should find something else to be my NUMBER ONE PASSION IN THE ENTIRE WORLD that I can actually BE REALLY GOOD AT, gosh dang it. Don't mess with my passions. I'm unsettled.

I'll end with these impeccable lyrics from Copeland's "Love Is a Fast Song"-

You dont have to be ashamed
because youre a miracle through and through
you dont have to be ashamed
of the miracle inside of you

what has love become
its not like we used to hear in those old songs
and its not like yours
what has love become

your love is in motion
and its spinning me around
my heart is in motion
for the movement thats in you

you should not be angry
if all she wants is your money
you should not be angry
because all you want is her body

what has love become
its not like we used to hear in those old songs
and its not like yours
what has love become

your love is a fast song
and im dancing because im loved again
my heart is in motion
for the rhythm inside you
your love is a slow song
its resounding through my world again
my heart is in motion
for the song inside of you

your love is in motion
and its spinning me around again
your love is a fast song
and im dancing because im loved again
your love is a slow song
its resounding through my world again
my heart is in motion
for the song inside of you

"You can get all the love that you need once you give it away." -Mae

Well. I'm sitting here in my room, on my futon cushion on my floor (because the actual futon broke), listening to the amazing voice of Hayley Williams from Paramore and the sounds of the rain outside. I just finished my last sip of hot tea in my favorite mug- yellow and white, from Starbucks, with a cute little stamp picture of a brew. My throat started hurting today, and tonight it is just hurting worse and worse... I'm hoping the tea shall remedy temporarily. I've gotten really lucky with my allergies and being back here at ISU this year, because last year... oh man... it was absolute misery. But, still. When allergies hit at all, they hit all the same.

I went over to Aubrey's this afternoon, and we finally talked about what's been going on for the past two weeks. Oh my gosh it was so good to just TALK. Ugh. Everything is ok now, everything turned out to be just misconstrued and it got dragged out into this big thing that wasn't a big thing at all. I needed to hear her side, I needed my best friend to tell me things that I can't see about myself sometimes. After we talked, everything seemed so clear and obvious, like it all made sense and of course things got messed up for a while there. I'm just so glad that burden is off my shoulders now!

I just feel like pieces of my life that were sharp and detached are now coming back together with a new smoothness to them. It makes me feel so good inside, like all the pain and strife is worth it to get to this point.

In my Creative-Nonfiction writing class today, we were put into small groups and given an exercise that had to do with writing metaphors. Each group was given a sort of common abstract idea, and we had to come up with metaphors for what that abstraction smells like, how it looks, and how it sounds. Out of all of the words, my group was assigned 'love'. Oh, goodness. Here we go. I began thinking wow, this is so easy for me, I write about love all the time and think about it all the time too- all of the different kinds of love, not just romantic. But we had to do it collectively with the other members of our group. So we started talking about what to put, and that's when it got messy. It was so strange to me for some reason. My group had SUCH a difficult time coming up with the sounds, smells, and sights for love. And, I realized it towards the end of class, that it was so difficult because love means so many different things to every person. People base it off of experience, or lack of experience so maybe from what they have seen in movies, or read about, or dreamed about. People personalize the word love by how it has affected them, their definition comes from their stories, their home-life, the way they were raised, the people they have experienced in their lives. It was actually frustrating, kind of. The guy in my group, Nate, kept trying to get us to use "Love sounds like the thunder of an approaching storm"... and that just didn't make sense to me, because love doesn't give me that sound when I think about it... at all. The best I came up with was that it sounds like glass shattering because of the pain that comes from love, or maybe it sounds like rain falling- soft, beautiful and unstoppable. The only thing we all agreed on was that love smells like a hot cup of coffee on a cold winter's night. Because love brings warmth to to the soul, and it can comfort. The other girl in my group, Heather, kept saying that all of her metaphors have to do with bad relationships because of her past experiences, so nothing she said really connected with me. Love is so sacred to me, I understand that pain and heartache comes from love and there is an ugly side to the beautiful side of love, but overall love is amazing and should be considered to be dream-like, surreal, and the best thing to ever happen to a person. I dunno, it's just how I think of it. For the "looks like", I did- Love looks like sunshine streaming through your bedroom window, gently waking you for a new, precious day. I dunno. There are so many dynamics of love, maybe my perspective right now is just very happy and cozy and positive and that's why I had a hard time with this exercise. The whole thing was just very weird to me the entire time, and I had to restrain myself at times from exclaiming- What are you people saying!? this is LOVE we're talking about!!

well, I think I'm going to try to fall asleep soon here.... <3

this doesn't even feel like a weekend

"Find me here
And speak to me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place
Where I find peace again

You are the strength
That keeps me walking
You are the hope
That keeps me trusting
You are the life
To my soul
You are my purpose
You're everything

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this
(Ahh Yeahhh)

You calm the storms
And you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won't let me fall
You steal my heart
And you take my breath away
Would you take me in
Would you take me deeper, now

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be
Any better than this

Cause you're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
You're everything, everything
You're all I want
You're all I need
Everything, everything..."--Lifehouse

Thank you, Lifehouse, for putting it beautifully and simply.

I've definitely renewed my love for their music, it even made it into my playlist to go to sleep to because their songs calm my soul.

After sitting in training early this morning for 4 hours, I have come to a joyful realization. I think my purpose this semester, though consisting of many things, will be found in my job as a tutor for America Reads/America Counts. Like Troy's message last Sunday morning at Cornerstone church, I am where I am because I'm going to be used to influence others for the Gospel, for the Kingdom of God. What better influence do I have on young, impressionable people than being a teacher, helper, listener, and supporter to them and to their education? The second I walk in that classroom, I'm going to be their hero probably just because they hear the word "college" and think WOW she's in COLLEGE.... and from there, I've got these little souls under my influence. I can really make a difference in somebody's life. Maybe this will be the time. Maybe this will be it!

<3

"...then ask me what it's like to have my self so figured out. wish I knew."

This is one of those days, or, rather... one of those WEEKS, where all I want to do is sit somewhere and drink coffee, or tea, all day long (forget food!). And watch the weather, and think about life, and talk about the things that really matter. I feel like I'm spinning.

I wish I were in Paris, or Rome, or Florence... sitting in a quaint cafe, discussing the beauty of the city and art and favorite poets and authors. I could sit on a dock overlooking the sea and write about people as they walk by and somehow write an amazing piece that links humanity with beautiful metaphors like gardens and the ocean, just from my observations, and learn about life and teach others about it.

If I were moved back into my dorm at ISU, I would have my room dimly lit with soft background music playing (Brand New, "Okay I Believe You, But My Tommy Gun Don't"). I'd be bumming around in my blue wangsta (gangsta + wigger) warm-up pants, a large valley soccer sweatshirt from many years ago, big fluffy slippers, and I'd be typing this from my spot on my futon as a storm brews and blows against my window facing Lincoln Way, making me feel safe and warm.

I'm spinning. There's an orbit in my head, and I'm riding the line in-between planet carefree fun and planet responsible reality. The latter is much bigger, scarier, and closer. But I'm excited, oh so excited for what is to come. I have no fear. Just promises of living for something real, something more than just this world.

Does anyone really know what they want to be? Am I not already who I am going to be, because I am being right now? Am I not this person that lives every day out- will I not be this person someday later on because I attended a 4-year university and have accreditation to my name that I don't have just yet? I know not my course, but Somebody does. That's all I care about.

And to end this entirely strange collection of thoughts...

"Oh we're so c-c-c-controversial.
We are entirely smooth.
We admit to the truth.
We are the best at what we do.
And these are the words you wish you wrote down,
This is the way you wish your voice sounds,
Handsome and smart.
Oh my tongue’s the only muscle on my body
that works harder than my heart.
And it’s all from watching TV,
And from speeding up my breathing.
Wouldn’t stop if I could.
Oh, it hurts to be this good.
Holding on to your grudge.
Oh, it hurts to always have to be honest
with the one that you love.
Oh, so let it go."
--Brand New

Lots of Love <3>

it all seemed so real

Do you ever listen to the words of a song, and think to yourself that you wish someone had said those words to you? Like if everything went the way you wanted it to, that person would have said exactly the words that you now hear every day in that song? Sometimes songs come along like that, and it makes me think about all of that stuff. All of the distance references in the song, "Hey There Delilah" can only make me think of a certain somebody who lives 1200 miles away and used to have my heart, but never loved me enough to do anything to be with me. Time has passed, but I'll never be able to deny how much I wish he would have found it in him to speak such lovely words of assurance and commitment (emphasis on past tense). I'm fine with everything now, because everything happens for a reason. I wouldn't be where I am today if that whole thing hadn't gone down, so I am content knowing that I'm where I'm supposed to be. God really does take care of everything, in the end. I'd rather Him hold my heart for the time being.

Also, I just re-discovered some of my old, old, old CD's that were hidden away in a drawer in my room, and I popped one of them in and I'm seriously loving it. Partly because it brings me back a little to those careless days before high school and jobs and responsibility... but partly because I really do like the particular album or song(s). For instance, I am listening to Vanessa Carlton's first album- Be Not Nobody, and I feel like I'm back in 8th grade again. I am usually pretty outspoken about my dislike for female vocalists, but lately I've widened my range because I'm finding there are definitely some female singers who can REALLY sing. Anyway, Vanessa Carlton's voice is kind of weird and so I kind of like it. I am a sucker for pretty piano songs though, so that probably has a lot to do with it too.

I went through an awkward stage where I thought I was too old and too cool to admit anymore that I still liked boy bands like Backstreet Boys and Nsync, but now that I'm a sophomore in college I think it's pretty safe to say I'll always like the catchy little tunes from good ol' Backstreet and N*sync, or N*suck as I used to call them because you couldn't be a fan of both while they had their prime reign over pre-teen girls around the world.

That's all I've got for now. Goooooooooodnight.