Monday, April 30, 2007

uncertainties of life!

Yep... I'm writing again for this evening. I need to get my mind away from studying Developmental Psych for a while. I've been at it for...... a little over 3 hours. crap.

I changed my "study music" to my "non-study music".... death cab for cutie is now a large mix including jimmy eat world, yellowcard, the format, OAR, acceptance, red hot chili peppers, the wedding, and countless others. music affects my mood greatly. or... my mood greatly affects my music. it goes both ways!

I am once again unsure of proceeding in my goal to receive a bachelor's degree in Journalism here at Iowa State. I don't know. There are so many factors contributing to my constant change in educational direction. I reflect on all of the classes I took this year:

-jlmc 101 mass media and communication (entertaining, interesting, good)
-jlmc 110 orientation to journalism at isu (made me want to jump off a building sometimes because it made me plan every inch of my future all at once).
-geology 100 most worthless class ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE ROCKS!!!!
-engl 105 (i suppose it's now engl 250) (loveddddd itttttt, duh). :-)
-university studies 111 hixson scholars (only thing i got out of it was being able to stare at a certain boy during recitation...) hehehe
-poli sci 251 international politics (very difficult class, extremely stimulating, well worth the crappy grade earned b/c the tests were amazingly hard).
-soc 134 intro to sociology (aka lots of crap and full of mostly relativistic and cynical views on society that completely eradicates truth from the world, seeing as "everything is a perspective!"....).
-music 102 music listening (but should be called boring history of music aka put me to sleep 101).
-psych 230 developmental psychology (besides english, my FAVORITE class, soooo my thing... i love everything i will take away from this class).
aaand, -poli sci 215 american gov't (which shouldn't be a pre-req to other law and politics classes b/c i learned the exact same material in my high school gov't class, aka- lame).

All the sudden, I'm just in a whirlwind of what I think I want, what I know I want, what I should do, what I shouldn't do, what is best for the type of person I am, what will make me happy, what is a smart decision for my future......... ummm, yeah. I've completed (pretty much) a whole year at college, and I still stand here feeling very uncertain about the path I've decided to put myself on (Journalism). It goes without saying that I am a writer. I love writing. I have a passion to write... to express, to communicate, to dig deep with the art of the written word. I think there is so much more to life than just existing and living from day to day, and I plan on finding out what the "more to life" part is through writing to my heart's desire, which, will be until the day I die. If someone decided to completely erase my ability and freedom to write- I would literally die. haha. extreeeeeme. but true!

But.... I don't know. This is what I struggle with when I think about the Journalism department... the career-driven part of it, the necessity for networking, the reporting part of it.... not sure it's my cup of tea. I've said it before, but I would love to be a free-lance writer... and just make money by writing piece after piece and being in charge of myself basically. Something about me and my writing is just not something that fits into working with a corporation, or a business, but being my own business in a way... writing more and more and sending it in on my own time, on my own inspiration, on my own sudden desire to get published. of course, this is not me being naive about money and everything... i know that in order to be financially able to be a free-lancer, I would have to be in a situation where I'm not the primary financial supporter for myself. But. I don't know. I'm just so conflicted about where my path will take me and when and how I get there. I would love to write a novel someday. I would love to publish my own poetry book. I would love to change just ONE person's life with something I wrote..... I would die an accomplished, satisfied, happy woman if I could reach others through my writing. That's my "American Dream" (haha...notice no need for big fat paychecks, fancy mansions, luxurious cars...). maybe that makes me not as American, but, whatever.

I know what I want. But I don't know what to do to get it. And which path to go down in order to know what to do to get what I truly want- to be a free-lance writer... to write for a living... what a passion-filled life I would have! ohhh goodness, it sounds wonderful to me. absolutely wonderful.

So I had this random thought- what if I changed my major to Psychology? and took a bunch of writing classes of course, and minored still in political science. Hm? maybe? maybe not? just throwin' it out there. to myself. throwin' it to myself... yep.

Enough thinking for tonight. I've had a smoothie and a 16 oz. caramel macchiato... I have to release some fluids!!!! I'm done studying for psych for now..... HA, FOR NOW, that's for sure. I'll be studying pretty much all day tomorrow, since I still have about 60% of the study guide to go through. I made a lot of progress tonight though, so that's good.

I'm so glad I don't have to wake up earlyyyy for a final tomorrow!! yay!

Peace Outtt. <3

I should be studying for Psych right now...

things are much better in my life right now, for starters.

my best friend and I resolved our issues. she called me on friday afternoon and we agreed the whole thing was stupid and then proceeded in having an amazing conversation, one that I desperately needed to have with her. i needed that encouragement. i needed it bad. Everything is better when you have someone who shares and understands what's going on- no matter what it is.

i'm spending every single day with the helser gang, as much time as possible... before we say goodbye for 3 months until next fall (which is gonna rock, when it gets here!). i'm bummed out. well, more like MAJORLY bummed out, but I've already gone through the emotional stage with all of that, so no need to cry about it now and get all worked up.

i had an amazing weekend with them, full of studying, movies, working out at the rec, playing tennis, just hanging out, relaxing in the sun, not stressing.

i don't get stressed about tests, or even the big final exams anymore. i just study, hope for the best, and get on with life. no need to get all anxious and crap beforehand. it's better this way, i've noticed.

walking back from the rec and tennis last night with steve and mel, i had kidney stone pain :( it was only a level 4 or 5 and never got worse than that, so that was good. they walked a lot slower because of me, but they were awfully nice about it and tried to take my mind off of it as we walked back to helser. i was almost in tears having to walk up all the stairs to my room, but steve slowed way down (i'm talking very noticeable change in pace) for me and we took it one step at a time.. haha. it's weird having new friends who have never seen my kidney pain happen, until last night of course... but anyway, i showered and wrote for a while then went to bed and the pain decreased rapidly when i got back to my room (i had been drinking about 5 gallons of water, that's why!). besides the kidney pain, it was a fantastic night.. we played tennis for almost an hour and a half, and we were all playing really well so it was more fun than if we were sucking, hah.. then we went to the rec, steve lifted, mel lifted and did the eliptical (sp?), and i ran a mile on the track. it feels so great to exercise, especially after all the studying we've had to do. :)

today- 2 finals done. I already found out I got a B on my poli. sci. 215 final, wooo! but the Soc 134 exam kicked my butt... seriously.. lamesauce. i don't like sociology. i liked learning about modern vs. post-modernism.... and understand the two in comparison to each other, but everything else i learned i just feel is pretty much worthless pieces of crap. oh well. he was a cool teacher at least.

one more final on Wednesday, then I'm done with my freshman year of college. yeahhh!!! i knew i could make it :). ha. there were definitely times i thought i would never get to this point, but... here i am i guess.

i'm not really ready to go "home" to west des moines. i mean i'm ready for the city, for the people, and for getting a job and working this summer. but i'm not ready to be in a house with parents for 3 months. it's just going to be a weird adjustment I think. the college life is THE life, pretty much. so we'll see how this goes. plus, my sister is gonna be out of the country and gone working at camp in Missouri for pretty much all summer- which i don't like at all! i don't know what i'm gonna do without her in my life for those months. i guess i'll deal.

i'm at the library right now.......... and this might be the first time i've been in the library allllllll year. yep. this past weekend and today i've done a lot of studying outside, and i studied with steve, bryce, and andrew in Howe Hall, and a little in my room (hard, distracting)... but this is the first time i'm studying in the good ol' library. so I should probably focus on studying my Psych 230 stuff instead of typing this. yeahhh. probably. i'm only writing this blog right now because i never get wireless in my room anymore. it's lame. really lame. soo..

byeeeeee!

Friday, April 27, 2007

cool

so it really sucks when your true friends who are supposed to be there for you, are really crappy friends and couldn't care less about you and your life. they should make a friend school and teach people how to be good friends. one of the classes should be "learn how to NOT be a stupid idiot and hurt your friends in the process." kind of a long title for a class, but, it'd work.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

"it's not the colors that matter, just that they all fade away"

you know the saying...

when it rains, it pours?

that explains everything.

Monday, April 23, 2007

"i'm afraid we've lost the way..."

it's funny... you don't really know what it feels like to be financially insecure and desperate for money until it actually happens to you. until your main provider of the family really is unemployed for a year and a half. until every situation in your life somehow ends up being connected to your money problem. It's like, somehow, the financial issue consumes every part of your life... because you can't "conquer" money - money conquers us. we NEED it to survive, literally. and I hate that. I finally understand what it's like to be on "the other side" of the wealth fence. It's truly affecting my life.

I will keep it in perspective though, that I am still far from being as financially insecure as some people I know, and, many people I don't know. All I know is that money is running out in my family. And because of it, I am now constantly fearful of what's going to happen next. I don't know if we can keep our house in Glen Oaks. I don't know how much longer we can pay the mortgage to be in such a nice house when everything else is so tight. I don't know how much longer my mom's 2 paychecks coming in can keep us able to pay all the bills. I'm always fearful of spending the tiniest amount of money. I won't go see a movie. Movies are out. Being raised the way I was makes this change in spending money a huge deal. I was never afraid of running out, but suddenly I'm always scared and aware of the risk of buying that cup of coffee putting me $4 less than if I didn't buy it at all.

I grew up having lots of "material" things in my life. I grew up having "nice" things. I don't care about having nice things now, I don't care about material things of life. There are certain things I cannot live without that I suppose are luxury items for lots of people, like a digital camera and a cell phone.. but for America those things are average. But honestly I get kind of mad when I hear people getting all concerned about having the nicest of this item, and the nicest of that. I don't know, I'm just sensitive I guess. I don't expect anyone to understand what I've written here unless they have experienced what I've experienced, so don't try to understand because it will probably just make me upset. Because there are just some things certain people can never truly understand.

Life goes on.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

violence, terror, death, it's everywhere...

So much going on around us… sometimes I feel like I’m in a tiny bubble that’s keeping me from knowing what’s going on in the world outside of my bubble. I’ve been glued to my t.v. this week, watching news of what’s going on, stepping outside of my comfortable little bubble. And it’s scary. This mass shooting at Virginia Tech is disturbing and alarming and.. just absolutely terrible. You don’t wake up and think that you might be at risk of some kid going on a killing rampage on your college campus, a place where you just naturally trust is a safe place for you to live and to go to your classes. You just don't think about that. And nobody thinks it will happen to your college campus, until it does. I cannot imagine the pain the students, faculty, victims, and parents of the victims of this massacre are feeling now. When Pres Bush addressed the nation on Monday about the shooting, he mentioned how every person in America who is apart of a community and apart of an educational institution feels affected, and feels their safety is violated when these things happen. It's so true. It's awful. My mom called me in tears that night just wanting to hear my voice because it's so scary to her that it could've happened to her kids, it could've happened at the campus of Iowa State University- you just never know.

In other news...

Nancy Pelosi and other lawmakers met with President Bush today to discuss a bill congress is working on regarding the war in Iraq. According to Pelosi and majority leader Harry Reid (is that his name?), they had a good discussion with Bush and things seem to be on track to hopefully getting troops out of Iraq, holding the Iraqi government responsible, and funding the war, along with other such issues that Democrats and Republicans alike are aiming to resolve. In my opinion, I think we should forget what a liberal thinks versus what a conservative thinks about this war, and be pro-active in keeping the nation's security in mind as we decide what actions to take in getting troops out of Iraq and continuing to fight against terrorism. I know it's complicated, but, that's what I think.

More news...

A bomb threat at the University of Minnesota at Minneapolis happened just a couple hours ago…. Ridiculous. How can anyone make a bomb threat in the wake of such a tragedy like the one at Virginia Tech? It’s beyond me. Also, Lawrenceville Prep School in NJ was put on lockdown today as a student was arrested for possible possession of a weapon….turns out it was a pellet gun, so that situation is over now. And apparently, there were incidents in 7 states yesterday with lockdowns and heightened tensions following the Virginia Tech massacre… it's all crazy.

So, there was also a big issue with a Supreme Court decision today regarding abortion...

Today, with a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court upheld the ban on what is called a late-term abortion or a partial abortion. They’re saying that Justice Alito, who replaced Sandra De O’Connor (who was usually the swing vote in support of abortion), voted in the majority to make this way of abortion illegal. This is definitely a victory for the Bush administration. Personally, I am definitely in support of this decision. I don't think it goes against the Roe v. Wade decision, because it deals specifically with a type of abortion not just the issue of abortion itself, which in the Roe decision focuses on the constitutional right that a woman has to privacy and to her own body. I will stand by my personal opinion that the Constitution is the law of the land and should be respected, but I hold that abortion is wrong because it is murder- black and white, very simple. But I don't want to get into that... pretty much, the Supreme Court decision today was big!

More news...

Over 180 people were killed by a car bombing in a central Baghdad market today, mostly women and children. Amazing how much death we're surrounded by...

“bad guys do bad things.”- a reporter. I just thought that was an interesting statement.

That's all I've got for now. Shalom.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

when I'm with you there's no point in breathing!

[Scene: in the laundry room]
[Music: "What Would You Say" --Dave Matthews Band]


I'm sitting here
just killing time
listening to the hum and buzz
of life around me, oh life
it grabs and pulls
at the threads of my heart
so delicate

I'm killing time
but time may kill me first
'cause I'm so out of breath
I need a rest
while time has this uncanny ability
to keep going on forever
no stopping or resting
so cruel to my heart.
---------------------------------
[Scene: laying out in the grass, central campus Sunday afternoon]
[Music: "Big Eyed Fish"-Dave, "Give It Up"-The Format, "Tie The Rope"-TF]

Here's what's frustrating to me right now. When it comes to liking someone of the opposite sex... there are so many dimensions of how two people connect, and so many different levels of those dimensions. And so many intensities of each. You start with the three broadest dimensions of course-- Physical, Emotional, and Spiritual. You need all three to work. Then those three each branch off into other dimensions and levels, like with Emotional... you've then got aspects of...

Intellect- do your minds think alike? do they think differently? do you connect in intelligent conversation with one another? is one of you much smarter than the other? do you each have a willingness to learn, problem solve, etc?
Common interests/likes & dislikes- do you share some? what are they? do your interests contradict one another, or provide opportunity to grow closer? can you have fun together?
Personality- do your personalities mesh with each other? is one dominant, one submissive, or both of the same? do your personalities compliment the other? do you bring out the positive or negative in the other?

See what I mean? Those are just a few sub-dimensions of the Emotional dimension that I could think of. Then, with all of those sub-dimensions, there are different levels of intensity with each. Like, do you have so much in common that you can share together that you connect at an incredibly deep level, so much that it turns into romance and not just platonic relations? With different levels of these dimensions, it plays a part in deciphering friend vs. more than friend, especially with, say, the Physical dimension.

My frustrations come from a situation where "the big 3" aren't ALL there... but I really, really WANT them to be there. No matter what I do, they're just not. And I'm left here kind of thinking... I'm hopeless. Like no matter what, I'll never have that one guy that connects with me in all 3 dimensions and to the fullest extent. I feel like I can keep meeting new guys and maybe have more relationships with them, but I'll never find that one guy that loves me in all 3 ways and a guy that I love in all 3 ways. One guy will have the physical and the emotional aspect, but no spiritual- and that just kills it for me completely. One guy may have the emotional and the spiritual- but no physical attraction or chemistry WHATSOEVER. One guy may have the physical and the spiritual- but can't connect with me on an emotional level at all. Do you see what I mean...?? So many possibilities, but it seems so impossible to find a complete combination. So you see.... I'm frustrated. I'm frustrated to a point where I am contemplating how freaking impossible it seems to find a person you have a connection with in all the necessary dimensions, sub-dimensions, and with enough intensity to stay... as well as enough intensity to have the capacity to love forever.

Sometimes I think about how much I really just want to skip the whole "dating" part and go straight to freakin' marriage. Not even kidding. But right now, I'm honestly scared out of my damn mind that I might never find true love, and never even get to marriage. It all just seems so impossible, and that overwhelms the crap out of me!

Friday, April 13, 2007

stay or leave, I want you not to go, but you should.


I love best friends.

I love having that one person that just understands you, no matter what.

I love having someone who always knows how to lift you up, no matter what situation or mood you're in.

I love that we literally cannot go more than 2 weeks without seeing each other... if we don't, we both go crazy.

I love that I can't even explain what she means to me, and I know I mean the same to her.

I love that she's with me at the beginning of a risky adventure, stays with me for the climax, and is still with me at the end when everything falls apart.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note.

My words on a certain matter, straight from my moleskine:

In that moment...

I was thinking so much
because I was feeling so much
I was feeling every word that escaped from his lips
and feeling them sink into my skin

But nothing could come back out
I could not speak

There I was, there you were
thinking, feeling
overwhelmed
unable to coherently speak anything

My defeated words
stuck in my throat
and my weary heart
beating so hard and so fast
I thought it was trying
to jump right out of me

The air seemed thick
making it harder to breathe
but I kept breathing
I was trying to be steady
I was trying to stay calm
trying my best to be strong.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

all the colors mix together to grey, and it breaks her heart

I didn't mean for this to happen.
I didn't want to get so wrapped up.
I didn't intend to get so attached.
I didn't try to feel for you the way that I do.
It just happened.

It's like.... I know in my heart, deep down, that he's not the guy for me.. he's not the right one. But, I cannot express how much I WANTED him to be that guy for me! Gosh, I wanted that so much! I wanted that guy to come into my life, and I wanted it to be HIM. I wanted him to be the right one. I wanted him to be that guy. SO bad. But I know it's not right. If it were right, things would have gone differently tonight.

I'm too conservative for him? Ok... that's just too bad I guess... because I would think anyone would want a girl with values like mine...... that's just what I think though.... and that hurts, hearing that you're too "conservative" for a guy? What does that even mean? I'm sorry but there are just things I won't back down on, like values and morals. like the fact that I have them, that's enough to make a guy not want to be in a relationship with me? That's just not right... I know what that means.... I don't want that to be what it means, but it is.

That makes me want to scream profanities, but I will refrain. because I hate profanities. Oh wait, darn it, I believe that makes me really conservative............

Anyway. I'm sorry it ended like this. I'm sad. I'm disappointed. And I feel like lately, my life has just been one disappointment after another.. like a chain reaction of some sort. It comes to a point, where I can't take another disappointment! I honestly can't! Take away my hope, take away my fun, take away my joy, take away my love, take away my strength, take away my money, take away my trust, and give me pain, and heartache, and brokenness. Go ahead. There's a point where all you can do is break down.

I don't know when I'll get over him. But I'm going to have to do it somehow, just like I got over the other one, and the other one...... it's an endless cycle. It's cruel and it's ruthless. But that's life. And I have to move on. Gotta keep moving along, just like the song says. That's all life is to me right now. Being disappointed and hurt, then trying to move on from that point, so that I get to the next disappointment and start hurting again, and try to move on from that point like I did before.

My heart = weary.

the end.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

stay beautiful baby, I hope you stay American baby

I'm feeling very opinionated right now. I don't know why. I've been reading lots of people's blogs lately, the world of blogging has gotten very big it seems. And of course, that makes me form my own opinions and think my own thoughts about things. I don't like arguing, so lots of times I don't take the opportunity when I'm with people to get into an argument if I disagree with them on something. I'll say what I think, but I usually don't want to take it any further and step on any toes. That's just kinda how I am. Haha, call me a hippie or whatever, but I am usually just like hey let's just get along, and hey can't we all just be friends and love each other and live in harmony... hahahaha seriously that's the most hippie thing I've ever said and I'm super embarrassed by that. But oh well! It's true.

I don't care what anyone else says, I will always love certain reality tv shows. I don't like them all.... heck, there are so many now it's impossible to even know what they are all about even. I think the Real World is freakin' hilarious and downright entertaining. Watching other people's drama makes me laugh. Of course it's ridiculous, of course it's totally edited to come off as a much bigger deal than things really are, but it's t.v.! it's supposed to be entertaining. So of course I'm going to turn on I Love New York and watch it.... it's highly amusing because it's so dang dramatized and ridiculous. Yes I love Laguna Beach and The Hills... I've pretty much spent all of my high school years plus one year of college watching those girls on tv, so it's kind of like growing up with them haha, which is super lame! But of course I'm going to keep watching those shows! if you want to watch something intelligent and meaningful, you know, things with purpose, watch the history channel or the discovery channel (two channels I also really like, in case you didn't know). But if reality tv, or most of mtv and vh1, bothers you...... I say don't get so annoyed, I say just whatever man... everybody has their way of escaping. Everybody has a way they stay sane, and relax, and just stop thinking about their own issues and problems going on..... reality tv is definitely a way I do those things.

I don't think YouTube is all it's cracked up to be. Sure, there are some incredibly hysterical videos out there, and SWEET sports cuts from some amazing games (like Detroit Pistons shooting from past the half-court line and making it right when the buzzer ended the tie-game and winning it... amazing), but I will never get over the fact that watching t.v. is something that should be done while sitting on a couch or futon or bed, and should be done watching an actual television set.... I just won't ever change my ways. It's just not going to happen.

If someone is going to complain about a church making a "performance" out of a worship service because of it's production style, music style, lights, etc.... then fine, complain all you want. But you know what I think? I think the people who make that "performance" possible spend a lot of their time and energy to make our worship experience as awesome as it can be. I honestly don't think the people singing on stage and playing the instruments are up there because they don't love Jesus and don't want to have a meaningful worship experience for our Father. I mean, unless you know the person... you don't have an absolute way of knowing, but I'm PRETTY sure we can all come to the conclusion that people who lead other people in worship are also worshipping in their leading... so maybe the way they do it comes off too production-ish and too stage-like, but, honestly who cares? As long as we're singing to our God and enjoying fellowship with one another.... I don't see why it's a big deal. I have definitely heard a lot of critiques about my church, Valley Church, saying that the service has become too much of a production and what not. But this is what I say to you who think that.... do we have a people leading us in worship that is centered on worshipping our Father in heaven? Do we have a pastor who tries to get all sorts of people with all sorts of learning styles (visual, verbal, etc) to be engaged in what he is teaching us about? With that, do we have a pastor who teaches from THE WORD and delivers a message on how you might possibly go about applying it to your own life? Then what is the problem? I think that's all that matters. I am a little biased maybe, because I am completely and 100% loyal to Valley Church, but bias or no bias- that church is a body of believers in our Lord and they all have a heart and a passion to lead us in worship and help us learn about the Bible so that we can grow in our relationship with Christ.

I think everyone should be required to work out at least once or twice a week. Everyone. Everyone in the whole wide world (who has work-out facilities available i suppose). I think it does wonders for the human body and for your health and general well-being. You always hear about how obesity is taking over America and what not, and all these diet videos and strategies and books...... I think there is nothing better than just going to a gym and working out. All body shapes and sizes should do this. I just think a regular, consistent work-out for your body is vital and crucial to well-being, and that of course affects your happiness and other things in your life. It makes you feel good. You don't have to be an athlete to work out. You don't have to be super skinny to work out. You don't have to be incredibly obese to work out. Everyone can do it, everyone can spend a little time every week just being good to their body. I definitely stand by that.

ok that's enough of sharing my opinions. Gilmore Girls is on! :)
<3

Monday, April 09, 2007

there's no beautiful in this letdown.

is it possible to get a headache just from crying?


because I think that's what happened to me.

sucky day. sucky, sucky day.

I can always think of something positive in the unfortunate situations of life, but right now....well I've got a big fat pot of nothing.

...we'll make the best of what's around!

This past weekend made me realize how much I don't really want this year at Iowa State to end. When I wasn't eating or at church with my sister, I was pretty much with Steve, Brek and Mel. We weren't ever actually "doing" anything interesting... just sitting in Steve's room, watching movie after movie on tv, listening to Dave and our other favorites. That's just it. It doesn't matter where we are or what we're doing. What matters is that I was with them. Some of my favorite memories of my freshman year at ISU are of the four of us, just laying on the futon in Steve's room. Doing nothing. But I'm gonna remember it. They're special to me.

I honestly don't want this school year to end. I mean... I want the SCHOOL part to end, for sure.. but not everything else about being up here.

I'm really, really, really going to miss being only ONE floor away from Steve, Brek, Andrew, Bryce, and all the Livingston guys. I can't believe we only have 3 or 4 weeks left here, together. Gosh, that's just killing me right now. I can't believe I'm going to be separated from all of them for 3 months this summer. It's just hard to think about at the moment... I know I'll be reunited with them next fall- we're all living in Friley.. me on the side by arches, the guys on the opposite side. But still... I just don't want this to end. And I didn't think this would happen. I thought that since I had all my great friends from Des Moines up here at ISU with me, I wouldn't find another group of people so special and dear to my heart. But it happened, I don't know how, but it did. It all started when Steve randomly showed up at my door that one night in December- I never would have met all the guys on 3rd floor without him asking me to go to that track meet with him. That's so crazy!!!!

Man, I'm just drinking it all in. All the things that happened. All the people I let into my world without even knowing it, and all the people that I slowly let into my heart. I can't even think right now about being back home, and not being able to walk down one floor and just slip into Steve and Chris's room and end up staying for hours... watching Andrew and Steve play NBA Street....yelling Hot Sauce!!! and Big Fatty!!!.... and Bryce coaching Steve on how to finish The Lion King levels on his ancient sega genesis.. hahaha. I can't imagine not seeing them in the dining center every single night at approximately 6:15 pm.... or getting a call from Brek to come down and sit in-between him and Steve on the futon and help them take out all of their "to be" verbs in their english papers. After every "break" we had this semester, I would be so eager to go down to 3rd floor and see "my bros" haha, cause I couldn't help but miss them, even if it was just for a week like Spring Break. I never would have gone to a single party this year if it hadn't been for Brek, Mel and Steve. I never would have experienced that scene, which is a part of college that I can stay away from, but still be apart of (does that make sense hopefully?).

Memories are just flowing uncontrollably right now. I guess this is just another year that must come to an end.... which, is sad, yes. But, I am happy to have made so many memories with new friends, and to have had so many new experiences because of them. I can always hold onto the fact that... everything happens for a reason. And just leave it at that. <3

"...turns out not where but WHO you're with that really matters, that really matters..."
-dave matthews band

Thursday, April 05, 2007

sneaky webCT, you fooled me again.

so guess what happened today? I woke up at 8, thought for a moment I was going to sleep through my first class, which is my Poli Sci class, then grudgingly climbed out of bed because I knew I should go to class. I was getting ready, sitting at my desk on my laptop, and decided to check webCT and look over my syllabus... just in case. It was about 9 at this time (my class is at 9:30) and to my horror, the syllabus read that I was having a test in my class this morning. Hm. Interesting. I had not studied oneeeee bit. I didn't know that we were having a test. I hadn't looked at the syllabus all week. Wow, sweet. I just kind of shrugged it off, hustled across campus to my class, took about 7 minutes to skim over my notes on my laptop, then I took my test. And, not gonna lie, I think this will be my highest grade ever. Don't ask me how I could think that to be true, I just have a feeling. I honestly think I missed.. maybe 5 questions, tops. I'm not even kidding- I'm finding that the less I study (in this case, not study at all), the better I do on my tests. What the heck, I know.

So, interesting morning.. let me tell you. And, I just received a call from my wonderful friend Jared, and he's gonna be in Ames in a little bit so he's gonna chill in my dorm for a while. Haha, gotta love random stuff like that. Ohh goodness.

P.S. I have a NEW FAVORITE BAND! The Faint. They're freakin' awesome, I've been listening to them alllllllll day! It just makes me wanna DANCE! :)

P.S.S. I'm definitely feeling the weight of stress from stupid grades and stupid classes, like my stupid music 102 class. And for some reason, I have a feeling it's all my fault. And that makes me feel like... I suck at school. Ehh, which is probably because IT'S TRUE.

yeah, that's all for now. <3

Monday, April 02, 2007

better to have loved and lost?

Even science agrees.

"It is better to have loved and lost, however, than never to have loved at all, say studies of infants who grow up in deprived institutional settings and never form attachment..."

My developmental psychology textbook goes on to explain a situation where children from deprived institutions in Romania were adopted into homes in the US, United Kingdom, and Canada after the fall of the Romanian government in 1990.

"Infants who spent 8 months or more in deprived orphanages displayed eating problems and medical problems; many were withdrawn and seemed overwhelmed in interactions with their new siblings and peers. For a substantial number, physical, cognitive, and social-emotional development were compromised..."


We've always known the famous quote: "Better to have loved and lost, than never love at all."
But even science agrees.
Love must be really important... <3