I love listening to Explosions in the Sky ALL THE TIME. :)

It is amazing how much you can learn in just a few short days. I actually credit most of my enlightenment to the books I have been reading and am reading currently. Which, of course, is driven by my desire to seek God. Because anything else would, in the end, be worthless and meaningless. But seeking God...and seeking Him first, well that's just everything in this life. I love the gift of literature to this world. I love that it can be used as a tool to deepen our understanding, appreciation, and knowledge of God and His Word.

In opening my eyes to see what God wants to reveal to me, I'm finding I ask the question, "why?" less and less. Why me, Why did this happen, Why is this person doing this to me, Why did you let this continue, Why? Instead, more and more, I say, "ok this is happening or this happened, and that is ok. This is how I am going to choose to respond and react."

If you are an alcoholic or a cocaine addict or a sex addict or a cutter or WHATEVER......When asked who you are, do not answer "I am an alcoholic." Because you are not an alcoholic. That is not who you are. That does not define you. Who you are, is who GOD SAYS you are. God says you are His chosen ones, His child, His son or daughter, His beloved. God's truth says who I am and who you are. Not your best friend, not your enemy, not your parents, not your professor, not your roommmate, not your boss, not your boyfriend or girlfriend or latest crush. GOD'S WORD says who you are.

Sometimes I don't even realize that I have begun to let the world around me TELL ME who I am. I listen to the world, and the world says, "if you mess up, you are bad, you are a failure." my dysfunctional family legacy has taught me, "if you disappoint someone, then you are a disappointment, and you must punish yourself for that." And I don't even think about the millions of times I have read the same verses in the Bible OVER and OVER again that tell me, "You are the daughter of the King," and, "you are a child of Light," and, "you are not an orphan because God has adopted you into His family and You are loved, every part of you, all of you, He loves you." Because if I really believe what I believe, then I will not do the things I have been doing whenever something hard in my life hits me, even when something not so hard happens.

So many times.....scratch that- almost EVERY time the opportunity arises for me to choose how to react to something that happens in my life (anything, just anything), I go from the activating event straight to my reaction. Sure, I think about things. Some more than others, some less. But my emotions override my thoughts almost 100% of the time. I think I'm thinking, but I'm really just feeling and thinking about how I feel. I never stop to think about WHAT I BELIEVE, and how that is what I should base my reaction off of.

We act the way we act because of how we believe what we believe.

Faith is how I live, it is what I do. I live by faith because I believe in God's truth, I trust in His promises, I hope for an intimate relationship with Him to keep growing and to continue deepening. I love the people around me the way that I love them because God loves me and I believe that. I truly, truly believe that. I believe that God has given me the gift of joy. So why have I let Satan stifle my amazing gift of laughter and smiling and zeal for life and people? Maybe because I really haven't believed it all this time. Maybe I'm starting right now.

Romans 12:1-2 says to not conform to the patterns of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. For the past year, I have had horrible, disgusting, painful lies swarming around in my mind, and they have tried to overcome my faith in Jesus Christ. Satan has been twisting the truth in my head for far too long. It has caused so much destruction and devastation in my life, and I've had enough. It is time to change the lies in my mind from the world and from Satan to God's truths. And there is no better place to look for God's truths than in His Word, the Bible. And thus, the renewing of my mind journey begins.

So far, it's going great.

injury update.

Collisions that occur during sporting events, slips, falls or automobile crashes can all have a damaging effect on your neck and back. These types of collision-related injuries are often called a "whiplash."

The resulting instability of the spine and soft tissues can contribute to headaches, dizziness, blurred vision, pain in the shoulders, arms and hands, reduced ability to turn and bend, and low back problems. As the body attempts to adapt, symptoms may not appear until weeks or even months later.

A common result of acceleration/deceleration injuries is the loss of the normal forward curve, causing chiropractic, orthopedic or neurological examination findings.

When the head is suddenly jerked back and forth beyond its normal limits, the muscles and ligaments supporting the head and spine can be stretched or torn. The soft, pulpy discs between spinal bones can bulge, tear, or rupture. Vertebrae can be forced out of their normal position, reducing range of motion. Even though the car may have received little damage, occupants can suffer serious spinal injuries.
-------------------

My neck injury from my car accident is getting increasingly worse. I hope it can be fixed.

You are the best one, of the best ones. We all look like we feel."

he sees himself so righteously
a diamond in an emerald sea
but while he's playing power chords
true love will pass him by.

he knows exactly what he wants
his charm deceives and taunts
but while he whispers in your ear
true love will pass him by.

he has the gifts and talents
but uses them for accomplishments
while he twists and manipulates
true love will pass him by.

he weakens for the pretty girls
and plays with their fancy curls
while darkness pulls his desire
true love will pass him by.

he takes everything that they had
enjoying them just like a fad
while he feeds upon her innocence
true love will pass him by.

he knows just what you want to hear
he knows how you want him to appear
and while he lies and smiles
true love will pass him by.

how many times do you have to slam
straight into a brick wall
over and over and over again
before you make a change.....

yeah, this really happened.

This is my Scrubs moment of the day. You know how J.D. ends every episode with some kind of inner monologue reflection, usually with flashbacks or showing the scene while his voice continues... hahahaah, yeah this is mine.


the chasm that is great disappointment opens up and grabs me. is it over? is that it? and you're supposed to be the one i can count on? but then my friend showed me exactly why we have held onto each other all these years. in one moment, i knew why i loved her so much and cared so intricately for her.

I'm SO sorry. -Apology.

You didn't deserve that at all. -Compassion.

I am so, so, so sorry I didn't say anything. -Affirmation.

I hated every second of it, sitting in the back that whole time I just wanted to vomit. -Mutual Pain

I b*tched her out when we got in my car. I seriously yelled at her, you NEVER talk to my friend like that. Never. -Justice

I am so, so, so, so sorry. -Reaffirmation.
---

A picture of standing up for what's right. That's why I love her.

more.

aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


is it all just about making plans and having a fun time? is life just what you DO? and how much FUN it was? It that what makes it all worthwhile. Huh.

maybe i'm a little tired of "making plans". maybe it all seems so superficial and empty and disgusting.

i'm a hermit sometimes.

life is more.

"...could you show me dear, something i've not seen, something infinitely interesting?"

"A Boy, Part I"

sometimes i cry so hard for you
and as the tears fall, i'm angry
angry that you aren't here to catch them
confused that i still want you here now

i shouldn't wish for you to wipe away the pain
shouldn't wait for these things to change
but here i lie in bed...
here the endless cycle begins

now that it's been a while
i'm writing letters to you again
letters that will never reach you
no, never will i reach you

now that it is certainly over
i wonder how it all happened
how did i push you so far away
while you were holding me so close?

sometimes it hurts me still
how hard i fell for you...
when in the end it was nothing
in the end it was less than nothing.

----

"A Boy, Part II"

do you see the trail you've left behind
what a legacy, oh what a life
strong debut for the opening show
bright lights, fireworks, you had it all

i'm afraid the impression you made is lasting
pressing down upon me for all this time
like a drug you remained deep within my blood
long after the beautiful trip had even begun

your premiere was undoubtedly impressive
yet lost its luster in the brewing storm
like the caffeine pulsating in my vessels now
you gave it your all just to let it all crash down

do you see the way you left me behind
what an epic fall, oh what a twist
thunderous applause and i'm at the door
glancing up at the man i thought you were

as you bow for the final curtain call
you look towards the audience with a smile
but i'm already gone, i figured it out
i know i'm better off without you after all.
----

the end for now.

opinions.

i'm being a bit opinionated today. i don't care....


first of all, i really want EVERYONE to STOP talking badly about Bekah towards me. She is not a perfect person but i'd be really surprised if anyone else on this PLANET would call themselves perfect. i'm seriously sick of people bringing up past mistakes she and i have made together and not believing that i am a strong enough person to change. i am extremely protective of that girl for a lot of really good reasons, and i won't let one more person attack her name. she has been a friend to me when literally no one else would be, tried to be, or cared to be, and no matter what your opinion of her is, i love her and accept her for who she is, flaws and all. that's the picture of Christ's love for us. PERIOD.

secondly, i'm sick of girls being slutty. i'm sick of ex-girlfriends trying to get to me. i'm sick of girls named Rachel. i'm sick of Christian girls who parade their bodies around even though they claim to follow God and His Word, yet don't think the way they dress themselves is specifically targeted in the Bible even though it is. or they do know it's in the Bible, yet continue to dress with the attitude 'hey boys come and get me, but i'm a nice Christian girl". i'm sick of seeing hypocrisy and immodesty and immorality within the Church.

thirdly. i do not think it is right for others to expect recovery in any way, shape, or form from a person who can hardly manage their day-to-day life. are you that selfish, naive, or idiotic to not see when a person is truly struggling just to LIVE? and how dare anyone spend their time pointing out this struggling being's flaws when you have heard from their very mouth the pain they are in EVERY DAY. honestly how self-centered can you be.

i'm realizing that, in discovering what i truly believe as an individual, i have very different views on the things of life than a LOT of people. i'm confused because what i believe really does seem RIGHT to me, based on what I read in the Bible. and i'm confused that other Christians do not share these views with me if they are reading the same Bible as me.

i'm frustrated.

W.I.P. = work in progress.

gnawing at the heart on which you tread
a silent killer chains me to my bed
rigorously clawing until blood be shed
i'd rather sleep on than recall what you said

if malice were gentler and lesser in weight
it would still my blood the same at any rate
though death be not the most troubling fate
the pain in love is an overwhelming trait

words that drown out every breath i take
haunting me in my sleep and when i wake
i swallowed them numbly oh what a mistake
now they control me and deepen my heart's break.

... that's all. blah.